Cannonical Collection of LB Jokes
Kurt Guntheroth
The WASPs in the following jokes are 'white Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and are
assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose lifestyle people. In
Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are 'Marin
County' residents/housewives.
This file has not been sorted for a few months, and therefore may contain
duplications.
----- The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes -----
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric
Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats not funny!!!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
--
Kurt Guntheroth
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
{uw-beaver,decvax!microsof,ucbvax!lbl-csam,allegra,ssc-vax}!fluke!kurt
Steven Akiba Swernofsky
A: How many can you afford?
-- Steve