Two cows
Kent Finnell
Two Cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best
looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy! and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
--
Kent Finnell
From the Music City USA
Jeffraham Prestonian
Funny, Kent. Where did that originate?
--
Toucan
Be heard. Spread the word.
http://www.YouSaidit.org
An experiment in hypermedia Democracy
Kent Finnell
news:49OdnaD1uKy...@comcast.com...
talk.politics.guns
Boston Blackie
opinions of TheCapitol.Net.
Many were contributed by visitors to a personal website 1995-1999.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do
anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore
the government.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one.
You ignore the government.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price
or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with
a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover
that he is a Nazi.
ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big
cow - with a pedigree.
ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in
glass display boxes. In London.
BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in
Europe.
BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give
the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from
BSE in your country.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for the missing cows.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms
in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.
BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow,
milks the other and then spills the milk.
BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes
both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to
milk the other.
CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one,
throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy
a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie
rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.
CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle
of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.
CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the
cows.
CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people
to look at them.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
gives you part of the milk.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The
government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the
milk. You wither away.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a
little milk ... once.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you
spoiled milk.
COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a
teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a
joint venture with McDonald's.
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The
government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of
it back (before someone else does).
COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government
launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to
provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that
people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from
your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from
sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded
all expectations. Your neighbors starve.
COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are
F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow,
"White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a
museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations
could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since
1985.
COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover
CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign
disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It
begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.
COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami.
You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.
COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk.
COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully
gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is
more milk for everyone else.
COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to
prison.
COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you
have
four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize
you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while,
you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again
and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the
loss of eleventy four cows.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and
dairy products. You go bankrupt.
DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to
tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat
up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or
so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.
DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government
exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign.
The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives
(elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and
balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three
co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g.,
Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and
with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the
people and the checks and balances mentioned above.
DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains
and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and
drafts you.
EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit
in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam
being required to have at least 45% fruit).
EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system
that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your
carbon allotment, not the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the
government sells it.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it
into military service.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof
and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks
them.
INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out
how to build a milk-factory instead.
LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government
then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.
LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the
government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your
business.
MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the
bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state
with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a
veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value,
exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots
you.
NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government
insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.
PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.
PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to
Mexico.
PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.
PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes
like water. You look for two real cows to milk.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM : You are associated with (the concept of
"ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant
past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of
nonspecified gender.
PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another
country.
REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same
amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends
more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow man!
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives
it to your neighbor.
SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government
took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
eggs as the regulations say you should need.
SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and
requires you to take harmonica lessons.
TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear
burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious
symbols."
UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking
them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New
Zealand abstains.
Mary B
"Kent Finnell" <kent...@bellsouth.net> wrote:
> Copied from the blog at Newsfilter:
>
> Two Cows
>
good to see the list expanding. many chucks.
Mary
--
watch out for spam filter. take my name out of the domain.