George W. Bush and the Bilderbergs destroyed a movie script I wrote
Mark Gerard Miller
door neighbor Keith Bilderberg, American Nazi Party chairman George W.
Bush, Dick Cheney, Henry Kissinger, Alberto Gonzalez, George Tenet and
infant-skull-copulator specialist Donald Rumsfeld, child torturers and
murderers all, "cut and pasted and chopped and skrewed" a movie script
I wrote. I wrote about 65 pages of it earlier this year. I was reading
it today, and it is defanged and declawed and defunnied, etc. I am
going to copy and paste it right here to preserve what remains:
[Begin material pasted from my own movie "E. Goatman," much falsified
on and stolen from my own computer, another vicious hate crime by
people with eensy teensy little penises and even smaller minds]
ACT
Scene I
EXT. ALICE'S RESTAURANT'S PATIO. E. GOATMAN APPARENTLY SITS ALONE AT A
TABLE. SEEN ONLY BY E. GOATMAN ARE A PACK OF ANGEL FAIRIES, SOME MALE
SOME FEMALE, FLOATING AROUND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. A FEW OTHER
CUSTOMERS ARE PRESENT. - EVENING
E. GOATMAN (speaking telepathically)
You guys settle down now. You've already driven that elderly
gentleman with the young girl whose body won't quit insane.
BOMB AND BASTIC (SIMULTANEOUSLY)(speaking telepathically)
Good!
E. GOATMAN (speaking telepathically)
Enough! Sit there and be good!
BOMB AND BASTIC (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Yo' mama is good!
E. GOATMAN (HAPPILY)(speaking telepathically)
Thanks!
BOMB AND BABSTIC
We didn't mean it nice.
E. Goatman frowns. Then he seems to listen. The angel fairies come
to attention and salute.
E. GOATMAN
Danky says you guys better behave or, "I'll bequim your monstrous red
bumphumpers!"
(speaking telepathically)
Sili, you're the only one who's good. Please get these guys under
control.
Sili Veshti, the most beautiful of the angel fairies, a young woman in
leotards and yet no larger than a sprite, with beautiful, iridescent,
purple wings, flies down to E. Goatman's left ear.
SILI VESHTI (SINGING THE BOB DYLAN SONG IN THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL)
I want you, I want you, yes I want you sooo bad, honey I want you ...
E. GOATMAN (HISSING TELEPATHICALLY)
Stop it! They'll never let us in here again!
(As if listening)
Danky says, "Pipe down, me sweet calumniator."
SILI VESHTI
Oh, they can't hear me.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
We did. Now shut up! Arsen't ye gamboled the family jewels?
A fat, blonde waitress with dead eyes, who would be beautiful if only
she would lose weight, walks up to the table of the elderly gentleman,
Chester Bilder, the chairman of Exxon-Mobil, C.E.O. of Texaco and
director of a number of large insurance companies, and sets a plate
down.
FAT WAITRESS
Mr. Bilder, your burger.
She glares at the black teen-age girl, whose name is Aldah Mawuka, who
smiles at her.
FAT WAITRESS
Your lobster is delayed.
ALDAH MAWUKA
Good! So was the onset of Mensa because of malnutrition. I never eat
anything, anyway. He wouldn't date me if I did!
Chester Bilder throws his head back and laughs lustily. Then he
glares at the fat waitress, who fusses with her hair and leaves.
CHESTER BILDER (WATCHES TILL THE WAITRESS WALKS AWAY)
Listen you little guttersnipe, you're eating that whole lobster
because of your little wisecrack, and if you don't, I'll call out the
film crew. Do you know whom you're dealing with? I bribed the U.S.
Supreme Court into screwing the people of Alaska out of any money at
all after my company destroyed the entire state, the largest in this
nation, with the oil spill of the Exxon Valdez in Prince William
Sound. I sodomized Prince William when he was Butt, a Lad. We did
that on purpose just as a warning to the Indians! Are Crumb pops a
big-eyed doe in the boojeebus!
ALDAH MAWUKA
(Trembling)
I'm so sorry, my darling. Let's just go home and make wild,
passionate love instead of eating.
CHESTER BILDER (ANGRY)
I haven't filled my prescriptions for Viagra, Cialis and the other
one.
ALDAH MAWUKA
It's OK, hon. I love lobster! Um, did you spill oil to scare the
Indians or sodomize Butt?
Bomb and Bastic, invisible to all but E. Goatman, fly over and yank
off Chester Bilder's toupee and put it on the girl's head.
CHESTER BILDER
Listen, you little ragamuffin, we're going home, and then you're going
home, you little tatterdemalion.
ALDAH MAWUKA
(Screaming)
Arrggh! Get this filthy thing off of me!
(Flings the wig across the room.)
I didn't steal your toupee! Are you sending me home to Africa?
CHESTER BILDER (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Is Africa your eternal reward, to use a euphemism?
ALDAH MAWUKA
What the hell is a euphemism, you fat, old, stinking son-of-a-bitch?
CHESTER BILDER
Sweetie! Not here! Burble my busskunkle, darling, burble it!
ALDAH MAWUKA
I'll kick you right square between the busskunkles!
CHESTER BILDER
Oh, how vulgar!
ALDAH MAWUKA
Quit using those big words, you impotent fool!
CHESTER BILDER
(Pulling out his cell phone)
Listen, you went too far this time, you destitute little Auntie
Jemimah! No one has ever called me impotent and gotten away with it!
ALDAH MAWUKA
But, sweetie, I asked you to take me home and make love, and you said
you didn't get those pills that are the most delicious candy to my
innocent, tender places. I am cooing and billing with the finest
Danish butthugger, my dumpling.
CHESTER BILDER
(Crying)
My mother was the only one who was ever innocent!
(Speaking into the phone through gritted teeth)
Have the film crew ready when I get home.
He hangs up.
E. Goatman and gang are listening in disbelief. Sili Veshti flies in
front of E. Goatman's face.
SILI VESHTI
Are you going to just sit there? He's taking her home to snuff her.
Blast the comebuggler out of his ears, you blue grominets!
Another angel fairy, Fine Feathered Friend (Bobcat Goldthwaite), flies
up and knocks Sili Veshti out of the way. Sili pulls out a magic wand
and turns him into an angel-fairy Chester Bilder with wings.
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
Ack. You little bitch! Change me back!
E. GOATMAN
(Hissing telepathically)
One more word out of you two and it's into the sweat box for a year!
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
(Imitating a scared little boy)
Yes, Pa, I feel you. I feel you, Pa. Please don't do it no more, Pa.
TONY JOE WHITE
(An angel fairy resounding from the ninth level of hell)
Listen you ungrateful little punk, you ever tell that joke again, and
I come up there and teacha' whatcha' don't know how.
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
You already done that, Pa.
TONY JOE WHITE
Ha! I taught your ma!
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
Ever' man in Jackson 'ceptin you taught ma, 'cluding me, you big-
talkin' man.
TONY JOE WHITE
Least I'm a man, you fem.
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
Ma said I'm the only man she ever knew!
TONY JOE WHITE
Yer ma is also yer grandma, you inbred little puke!
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
You fum Memphis?
TONY JOE WHITE
You know damn well I'm fum Montgomery.
FINE FEATHERED FRIEND
I didn't know you was black!
Tony Joe White turns red in the face, which expands like a rapidly
inflating balloon. Cut to his body and the face and head of a bald
Don King strapped into an electric chair. Frankenstein him and let
his hair grow out. Then let him slump over and die a happy man.
SILI VESHTI
Listen, you idiots! Auntie Jemimah needs help! He's not only a
Bilderberger, he's also a racist!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
We hatesss him, preciousss!
E. GOATMAN
Are you guys ever original?
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
J.R.R. Tolkien is a god!
E. GOATMAN
(Speaking telepathically)
I agree. Now get over there and help Aldah. Turn into demons and
scare the bejesus out of Chester Bilder and rescue Aldah!
The angel fairies, male and female, metamorphose into tiny, hideous,
mighty cyclopean, male demons, each one more ugly than the last,
dressed only in cache-sexes and brandishing Smith and Wesson .45-
caliber semi-automatic handguns, including the alleged Indian
Xaybichek of the movie Dead Man, the only one who wasn't black. Their
wings disappear with a puff of smoke, and they march on thin air over
to Chester Bilder and point their weapons at him.
CHESTER BILDER (SCARED)
You fellas know what you're doing with those guns?
ALL OF THE DEMONS
(Alternately pointing their guns up and down with each verse)
These are our weapons; these are our guns; these are for shooting;
these are for fun!
CHESTER BILDER
(Laughing nervously)
Are you here visiting me for fun?
ALL OF THE DEMONS
Three guesses.
CHESTER BILDER
(Hopeful)
Fun, fun, fun?
ALL OF THE DEMONS
We're here to take your daddy's T-bird away.
Chester Bilder throws his head back and laughs way too hard. The
demons stare. Chester Bilder stops laughing and works his Adam's
apple furiously.
ALL OF THE DEMONS
You gonna let her go?
CHESTER BILDER
(Laughing nervously)
Can I make her eat her lobster?
The demons are stonefaced.
CHESTER BILDER
How about rock lobster? Ha ha. Just kidding, boys. Honey, you are
free to go with these gentlemen. Blood the momentum, me dangy.
The demons cross their arms.
CHESTER BILDER
What?
ALL OF THE DEMONS
Money.
CHESTER BILDER
(Outraged)
Nothin'!
The demons cock and point their weapons at him.
CHESTER BILDER
(Desperate)
How much?
ALL OF THE DEMONS
Every last cent. Our lawyers will take the rest of your portfolio.
Chester Bilder gulps, gets out his checkbook and writes. Sobbing,
tears fall from his face onto the tablecloth. The fat waitress
arrives with the lobster and sets it in front of Aldah Mawuka, who
smiles, crosses her arms and sits back in her chair.
ALL OF THE DEMONS
Give this nice waitress lady all of your cold, hard cash from your
wallet.
The fat waitress gives a hint of a smile like Sister Death.
ALDAH MAWUKA
There is nothing hard about him!
ALL OF THE DEMONS
Thank God for that!
Chester Bilder blushes furiously and gives Aldah Mawuka the stink
eye. The black, male Sili Veshti, the ugliest, fiercest demon, fires
her .45s at him and gives him the opposite of a Mohawk hairdo. He
falls to his knees before Aldah Mawuka.
CHESTER BILDER
My darling, I am so very sorry I gave you a dirty look.
ALDAH MAWUKA
You are dirtier than your mother! You are the filthiest piece of
cockroach dung that has ever lived. Now eat that lobster!
Chester Bilder faints, and all of the demons cheer. Aldah Mawuka
stands up and sashays over to E. Goatman, who pulls out his magic wand
and turns her into a beautiful, nubile angel fairy with electric blue
hair and dressed in a tutu and toe shoes. She does a ~plie.
ALL OF THE DEMONS NOW TRANSFORMED INTO ANGEL FAIRIES
(Incredulously)
A tutu?
E. GOATMAN
(Speaking telepathically, sheepishly)
I like dancers.
All of a sudden it's noon on a bright day, and all of the angel
fairies turn into beautiful black women (those who already weren't)
dressed in gold lame leotards under white, diaphanous dresses and
shuck and jive to Elvis Presley's Shake, Rattle and Roll. The record
skips where Elvis sings, "You're wearing those dresses, sun comes
shining through," and it repeats several times.
E. GOATMAN
OK, OK, you weisenheimers. Let's go home. Danky, let's teach these
girls what they don't know how! What?
(As if listening)
Danky says: "Burble the plank, me dimplegoil, burble the plank!" S'ank
ya', sweetie!
Scene ii
EXT. E. GOATMAN AND EDNA STIKELEATHER (MALE) ARE ON A PLATFORM HIGH IN
A LIVE OAK TREE. - AFTERNOON
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Pointing toward the horizon)
Cripes! What the hell is that!?
E. GOATMAN
(Pointing toward the other horizon)
Whoa! Here comes my dream girl!
EDNA STIKELEATHER
What are you talking about?
E. GOATMAN
Looks like a fairy or something.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
I too see one. This is too good to be true.
E. GOATMAN
Boing!
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Laughing)
I haven't heard that since fifth grade.
E. GOATMAN
(Lifting a small telescope)
Who said it?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Sister Faustina!
They both laugh heartily.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
What is yours wearing?
E. GOATMAN
(Peering)
Looks like a flesh-colored leotard. She has green wings!
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Awesome! How old is she?
E. GOATMAN
Old enough!
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Mine too, it looks like.
E. GOATMAN
What, Danky?
(As if listening)
"Dimpled rear behind the glistening crike of dunsillity?" Oh, how
naughty!
Edna Stikeleather and E. Goatman fall out laughing and do those black
athletes' hand-bump shakes. The angel fairy that E. Goatman had his
eye on arrives and hovers about 15 feet away and crosses her arms
under her ample breasts. The angel fairy, Luna, is stonefaced.
EDNA STIKELEATHER AND E. GOATMAN
Hi!
She stares at them. Their smiles fade. The two men cross their arms
and lift their eyes from her breasts. The other angel fairy, Mirka
Vater, arrives from the other way and stops beside Luna. She crosses
her arms underneath her ample breasts.
MIRKA VATER
There will be trouble.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Who are you? Cassandra?
MIRKA VATER AND LUNA
(Mirthlessly)
Ha ha.
Edna Stikeleather and E. Goatman laugh long and hard.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
What is long and hard and full of semen?
Long, hard stare from the angel fairies.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Unsurely)
~Er ... a submarine.
The angel fairies smile.
LUNA
And what would you know about it?
The angel fairies laugh long and hard and fly around in loops as
whirls as sparks and stars fly off their wings. They turn into putti
and shoot arrows at the men, who change colors. Edna Stikeleather
becomes white, and E. Goatman becomes black. They look down at each
other horrified and then down at their hands. They look up at each
other and the light dawns on their faces and they start laughing in
glee. The putti deflate, throw their bows down and turn back into
angel fairies and fold their arms, staring at the two men. Edna
Stikeleather and E. Goatman do the hand jive while singing "Willie and
the Hand Jive." Then Edna Stikeleather dances around like a gay white
man, and E. Goatman does a dance from Soul Train on the platform in
the tree.
MIRKA VATER AND LUNA
Are you done?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
You ladies want to go for a ride?
MIRKA VATER
Why would we want to go for a ride with you?
E. GOATMAN
Yo' mama was too busy.
MIRKA VATER
My mother, may God bless her, would nick your jugular so fast if you
said that to her that you would immediately turn into a little girl
and beg for mercy on your knees for 2 seconds and then you would fall
over dead.
E. GOATMAN
(Happily, imitating an ebonics speaker)
I loves her!
LUNA
Enough!
The sky darkens and lightning crashes all around and huge claps of
thunder boom out. Angel fairies Judy Garland and Mahalia Jackson fly
up and begin singing the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
JUDY GARLAND AND MAHALIA JACKSON
(Singing as loud as Krakatoa on crack)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord; He is
trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored. He
hath loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword.
E. GOATMAN
(Singing like a little girl)
"He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are
stored."
E. Goatman and Edna Stikeleather laugh out loud.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
I was an English major. I knew nothing. I know how to do nothing.
MIRKA VATER
There will be trouble.
E. GOATMAN
We are happier than pigs in clover to see you two and Judy and
Mahalia. How the heck are you?
(As if listening)
Danky says, "Pump the gift of the Magi into the tramp's reticule, me
dingo!"
LUNA
We'll pop a cap on your butts if you don't listen.
EDNA STIKELEATHER AND E. GOATMAN
We're all ears.
JUDY GARLAND
(Chanting an incantation)
Pull the dunderblote out of the pig's tinkler and give it a pimp's
funjob~!
Edna and E. Goatman turn into giant ears.
MIRKA VATER
Your angel fairies are in trouble. You will win the day.
Mirka waves her baton and returns them to their original shapes and
colors. The four of angel fairies disappear, and the clouds
dissipate.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Oo, foreshadowing! I am all ears.
E. GOATMAN
I am the man from Nantucket.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
S'ank ya', sweetie.
E. GOATMAN
You are a sicko. I have never aspired to be a black man.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
You weren't. You just looked like one.
E. GOATMAN
So does your mother.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
What shall we do?
E. GOATMAN
Let's go to my house and see what's happening.
Scene iii
INT. E. GOATMAN AND EDNA ARE SEATED ON PORTABLE, ONE-LEGGED FIELD
STOOLS IN A LARGE, OPULENT LIVING ROOM. ANGEL FAIRIES ARE RECLINING
ALL AROUND ON TINY LAZY BOY RECLINERS. - EVENING
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Lazy Boys are declasse.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES EXCEPT ALDAH MAWUKA
(Turning into black angel fairies and simultaneously, imitating an
Ebonics speaker in an exaggerated manner)
Lazy Boys is downright declasse.
Aldah Mawuka rips off a string of curses in some incomprehensible
language of sub-Saharan Africa. Everyone laughs heartily.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES EXCEPT ALDAH MAWUKA
'Sank ya', sweetie!
Everyone returns to their original forms. A fat, old, ugly, maudlin
angel fairy, Professor Pinkle, greases one. All of the angel fairies
rise up and turn into Cherubim and begin raining fire and brimstone
down on him.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
I ain't a sodomite!
Everyone laughs.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(sighs)
I have to go't the bathrum.
CHILD OF JOY
Nice to say. Why don't you get a megaphone and announce it to the
neighborhood?
(Producing a huge megaphone and blasting her voice)
Excuse me, I have to take a dump! Pull the dumpling out of the
boohumpus and give it a doink!
Professor Pinkle flies wearily across the room, red in the face.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Chanting simultaneously)
Professor Pinkle! Professor Pinkle!
The angel fairies fly over to the bathroom door and put their ears to
it.
E. GOATMAN
Oh, you little sickos! Get over here and behave.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
You are sick. You are a sicko. Sick, sick, sick. You are so sick.
(Shouting at the bathroom door simultaneously)
Lave your meathooks, you pugnacious racist.
A loud explosion of muffled gas explodes the door open. The angel
fairies are knocked backwards. Professor Pinkle flies out red in the
face.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Stuck! I couldn't make it come out.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
Go to a urologist, you old pervert.
E. GOATMAN
Knock it off, youse!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Imitating Lenny, the biggest, dumbest angel fairy of them all)
Da' bote of 'em! Da' bote of 'em!
LENNY
(Sputtering)
Knock it off, youse! Did I ever tell you my pa worked in a meat-
packing plant. A lady he worked with had a pony tail. She was near a
couple of big rollers and tossed her pelt to the side. It got caught
in the rollers and she was scalped. That's what I will do to everyone
in all of your clans!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
(On their knees, in a mocking tone of voice)
O, Lenny, nooooooooooo! Please!
Lenny's face turns blue and he puts his thumbnail on his front tooth
and flips it at them. Edna Stikeleather and E. Goatman fall out
laughing.
EDNA STIKELEATHER AND E. GOATMAN
(Simultaneously faking fear)
Ooo, Lenny is a Mafia don.
Lenny breaks down crying. All of the angel fairies pull out big red
bandannas and honk into them noisily.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Singing)
We love you, Lenny, yes we do ...
E. GOATMAN
(To Edna Stikeleather)
Listen, my friend. I have to go on a trip, and I can't take the
kids. Can you stay here and look after them?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Crestfallen)
I can't.
E. GOATMAN
Why?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
I, too, have to go on a trip.
E. GOATMAN
When?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Soon, and for a while.
E. GOATMAN
Where?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
If I told you I would have to kill you.
They laugh.
E. GOATMAN
Do you want to go down to the Prancing Damsel and see if Sulami is
working?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Sure.
Scene iv
INT. GLITTERING TITTY BAR. NO NAKED WOMEN. TWO DOZEN, FLAT-CHESTED,
18-YEAR-OLD WOMEN ALL AROUND IN LACY BRAS AND PANTIES LIKE THE YOUNG
TEENAGE GIRLS ON THE ABC FAMILY TELEVISION CHANNEL WHEN THE GIRLS SIT
IN TEENAGE BOYS' LAPS IN THE GIRLS' BEDROOMS WITH THE DOORS CLOSED
WHILE IT'S STILL DAYLIGHT DURING THE BROADCAST. MUSIC IS PLAYING AND
ONE OF THE WOMEN, SULAMI, IS DANCING LAZILY ON STAGE TO A MELLOW SONG.
SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE AND ALL EYES ARE WATCHING - NIGHT
E. GOATMAN
Uh uh uh uh uh!
EDNA STIKELEATHER
You can say that again, Mr. E. Goatman.
E. GOATMAN
Uh-uh. What does your last name mean? How did you get the name Edna,
anyway?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
I'm not sure what "Stikeleather" comes from. Maybe one of my
ancestors was a tanner. My first name comes from the name "Eden," and
my very religious mother thought it would be a good name for me
especially because she didn't know who my dad was, she was a single
mother, and it would make me tough because other kids would fight me
about it.
E. GOATMAN
A case of a boy named Sue. You're the toughest man I ever knew, after
your mother.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Did you know my mother in the Biblical sense?
E. GOATMAN
Didn't everybody?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Not my dad.
E. GOATMAN
Who was your father?
EDNA STIKELEATHER
Your mother!
They fall out laughing.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
If you would have said that to me in elementary school I would have
sliced your guts out and strangled you with the entrails.
E. GOATMAN
(Stands up and uses his beer bottle as a microphone, imitating an
emcee)
Ladies and gentleman, I give you the only black man in the entire
universe who knows that the word "entrails" means "guts." Give it up
for Edna Stikeleather!
Edna stands up and takes a bow.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Glancing at the stage)
Do you ever tire of looking at that slender, black-haired, fair-
skinned, Spanish-eyed beauty gracing this emporium of abused girl-
children?
E. GOATMAN
Sulami? She's the best, if you're not too particular about the
morality of a young, unmarried woman dancing in a strip club.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
As if it would be OK to dance if she were older and single? I have to
get going. Say hi to Sulami. Say hi to your mom when you get home.
E. GOATMAN
My mom is in Paris with your dad.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
They don't call him the Eiffel Tower for nothing.
E. GOATMAN
You would know.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
You want it. See you later.
E. GOATMAN
Adieu.
Sulami puts on a terry-cloth beach shirt that reaches down to just
below the tops of her panties and walks over to E. Goatman and asks if
she can sit down.
E. GOATMAN
Do you have your straight razor with you, or will I retain my
testicles?
SULAMI
Depends.
E. GOATMAN
I have never wanted anything more than for you to sit with me!
She sits next to him and kisses him on the cheek.
SULAMI
You wanted your mom's tit more when you were a baby.
E. GOATMAN
I still do!
They laugh.
SULAMI
Hey, you're cute.
E. GOATMAN
You say that to all the guys.
SULAMI
Only if they have money.
E. GOATMAN
I'm loaded.
SULAMI
You better change your diapers. Do you need diapers?
E. GOATMAN
Depends.
SULAMI
(Imitating Henry Kissinger)
That is an old joke, and you tell it badly.
E. GOATMAN
Say, when does your shift end?
SULAMI
Depends on how formal the affair is. If I were at your house, my
shift would end about where Joss Stone's shift ended when she sang
Dusty Springfield's Son of a Preacher Man at the U.K. Music Hall of
Fame induction ceremony on November 14, 2006. The only man who could
ever reach me was Joss.
E. GOATMAN
That's hot! But she's not a man.
Sulami smiles seductively.
SULAMI
Quit ruining my fantasy.
E. GOATMAN
Oh, how naughty! Would you like to go out for dinner and then come to
my place and pretend I'm a handsome millionaire?
SULAMI
Let's, go, Speedy.
E. GOATMAN
You say that to all the guys.
SULAMI
Story of my life.
Act 2
Scene I
INT. E. GOATMAN AND SULAMI ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM OF E. GOATMAN'S
HOUSE SITTING ON ONE-LEGGED FIELD STOOLS. SULAMI LOOKS AROUND IN
WONDER AT THE ?? ANGEL FAIRIES, WHO LOOK ON HER IN AWE. - NIGHT
SULAMI
(Glancing at Professor Pinkle, who is floating a few inches away from
her face leering at her)
Uh, where did you get these, uh, beautiful beasties?
E. GOATMAN
God made them.
SULAMI
Why?
E. GOATMAN
(As if listening)
Danky says, "Pudens and dudens my gromino on the split take."
SULAMI
What the hell does that mean? Who's Danky?
E. GOATMAN
He's my imaginary friend.
SULAMI
You have an imaginary friend? How old are you?
E. GOATMAN
I'm as old as Paris and as young as Spain.
SULAMI
That's hot!
E. GOATMAN
S'ank ya', sweetie! Could you baby-sit my angel fairies for a while?
I am going on a trip.
SULAMI
What kind of trip?
E. GOATMAN
Business in Marrakech.
Sulami smiles.
SULAMI
I can't take off work.
E. GOATMAN
I'll throw a sunken galleon-full of doubloons and maravedis at you.
SULAMI
Maravedis? Aren't they almost worthless copper coins?
E. GOATMAN
Not if they're antiques. They were gold for a while there long ago.
SULAMI
Oh, well, in that case ...
E. GOATMAN
I have to tell you two magical spells, one to make the angel fairies
visible to you and another to control them.
EDNA STIKELEATHER
(Incredulous)
Even you can't even control them.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
Calumny!
SULAMI
So sue me.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Simultaneously)
We would settle for a couple of hours in the hot tub with you with
some champagne and strawberries.
SULAMI
Sorry, I like my men big and muscular.
The angel fairies appear apoplectic, and then slowly deflate. Cackles
the Clown, an adolescent angel fairy, slowly stands up, cheers and
pumps her fist.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Imitating Henry Kissinger)
Ve haf da fat, red clown horn!
She blows a few lines of "Bravo pour le Clown" into a red tuba that
she has just made appear and then sings a few lines:
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Un clown est mon ami, un clown bien ridicule; Et dont le nom s'écrit
en gifles majuscules; Pas beau pour un empire; plus triste qu'un
chapeau; Il boit d'énormes rires et mange des bravos! Ton nez qui
s'allume, Bravo! Bravo!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES EXCEPT CACKLES THE CLOWN
(In a French accent)
Bravo! Bravo!
They throw flowers and doubloons and brightly wrapped candies at her
feet and blow kisses and hug each other and weep and do handstands and
flips. Lenny flies over and hands her a bouquet of dandelion puffs.
Cackles bows.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Merci!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
No mercy. We shall tickle you to death!
CACKLES THE CLOWN
French tickler?
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
Oh, how naughty!
E. GOATMAN
All right, you guys. I can't think over your noise. I am taking care
of business!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
So is yo' mama!
The two humans turn to one another and ignore the angel fairies. The
angels all gather around and appear to be listening intently.
Professor Pinkle cuts a loud fart. The rest of the angel fairies fly
around to the other side and glare at Professor Pinkle.
SULAMI
Why did God make the angel fairies?
E. GOATMAN
God made the angel fairies as an answer to the pillage, rapine, war,
terrorism, theft and despoliation of the countries of the poor by the
rich. The angel fairies are the epitome of all that is right and good
and are here to some day lay down the law, take down the monsters who
rule the world and, as they used to say, take back the night from the
vampires. For now they are having fun and japing and jiving, but soon
they will bust out like Mahalia Jackson and go tell it on the
mountain.
SULAMI
What is your role in all of this?
E. GOATMAN
I am the law.
SULAMI
Word.
E. GOATMAN
Now, as to the spells. To make them appear, say, "Chatemmak Bashne
Bala Shamai." To control them, say, "E.I.E.I.O., Io."
SULAMI
OK, can I write it down?
E. GOATMAN
No, memorize it. I will help you. No one else must hear this. I
have to go now.
They give one other a hug and kiss, and E. Goatman leaves. Sulami
walks into the dressing room.
CUT TO:
INT. SULAMI IS TALKING WITH ANGELA CORREIRA, A CO-WORKER IN A MINI
SKIRT AND HALTER TOP, WHO IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR SMOKING AND
BRUSHING HER HAIR.
ANGEL CORREIRA
So what is this guy's name?
SULAMI
E. Goatman.
ANGEL CORREIRA
What a strange name. How do you spell it?
SULAMI
E, space, G, O, A, T, M, A, N.
ANGEL CORREIRA
(Pondering for a minute)
Interesting. You know something? It's an anagram for "ego, atman."
SULAMI
Cool! Self and soul. He's good-looking, too.
ANGEL CORREIRA
How long have you known him?
SULAMI
He's been coming in here for several months. We've had drinks and
talked a lot, but I never went out with him before.
ANGEL CORREIRA
Did he tell you what the spells are to make the angel fairies appear
and then get them under control?
SULAMI
Yes.
ANGEL CORREIRA
Just out of curiosity, what are they?
SULAMI
I'm not supposed to tell anyone.
ANGEL CORREIRA
I wouldn't even remember them if you told me. I just want to hear a
magic spell.
SULAMI
Well, OK. If you want to invoke them, say, "Chatemmak Bashne Bala
Shamai." To control them, say, "E.I.E.I.O., Io."
ANGEL CORREIRA
Oh. That first one is an ancient Coptic spell to invoke Hebrew and
Egyptian gods. I studied linguistics in college. I heard the second
one in my Greek mythology class. It was the punch line to a joke a
wise guy told on the Internet many years ago and was repeated ad
nauseum in university classrooms across the country that no one gave
him credit for.
SULAMI
(Gulping)
I thought you said you wouldn't remember.
ANGEL CORREIRA
Remember ... don't forget.
Sulami winces and walks out the door. Angel continues grooming. A
minute later the owner of the club, Yfel Upelo, walks up to Angel
Correira and begins rubbing her shoulders.
ANGEL CORREIRA
You could have any one of these good-looking young sluts. Why you
coming on to an old bag like me?
YFEL UPELO
I ain't too particular. You putty good lookin'.
ANGEL CORREIRA
(Sarcastically)
Gee, you really know how to treat a girl.
YFEL UPELO
What do you say we go to the zoo and stand in front of the monkey
exhibit for a few hours and watch them humping?
ANGEL CORREIRA
(Perking up)
Ooo la la. You really know how to treat a girl. Who do you want to
watch humping? The security guards? That gorgeous little whore
Sulami told me something interesting.
FADE.
Scene iii
INT. HUGE OFFICE WITH ONE GLASS DESK WITH NOTHING ON IT BUT A PHOTO
SITTING UPSIDE DOWN, THE WHITE BACK SHOWING. BEHIND THE DESK IN A
CHAIR IS CHESTER BILDER. KNEELING IN FRONT OF THE DESK IS THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, O.O. POWERS, WITH HIS HEAD
BOWED.
CHESTER BILDER
O.O. Powers, I think it's time to get serious on this oil law in Iraq.
O.O. POWERS
We're doing our damnedest, Mr. Bilder. It's a tough nut to crack.
CHESTER BILDER
Are you bribing the parliament like I said?
O.O. POWERS
We're trying, but they seem reluctant to betray their country and
humanity so egregiously.
CHESTER BILDER
(Angrily)
What's good for Exxon-Mobil is good for the country, and to hell with
humanity and to hell with the Iraqis!
O.O. POWERS
Yes, sir. To hell with humanity.
CHESTER BILDER
Now, about this other matter. What's the deal?
O.O. POWERS
Well, sir, it seems that we have a situation where one of our
associates has come across a situation where there are some male and
female angel fairies that fly and are about one foot tall.
CHESTER BILDER
You crackin', boy?
O.O. POWERS
Sir?
CHESTER BILDER
What the hell do you mean, angel fairies?
O.O. POWERS
Small, intelligent angel fairies that have wings and can fly. Our
associate says they are delightful and ... and might make good sexual
partners.
CHESTER BILDER
(Blushing)
What are you talking about? One foot tall and good sexual partners?
I have never heard of anything so preposterous! You sicko, O.O. Boys
and girls? Are they good-looking?
O.O. POWERS
Yes. Adults, though.
CHESTER BILDER
(Blushing)
Are they good-looking?
O.O. POWERS
Some are. Some are ... kind of wild and untamed.
CHESTER BILDER
What do you mean?
O.O. POWERS
They pull pranks.
CHESTER BILDER
Such as?
O.O. POWERS
They might pull off a toupee and put it on someone else's head or tip
a drink over into someone's lap.
CHESTER BILDER
(Incensed)
The outrage!
O.O. POWERS
Don't you find it kind of funny?
CHESTER BILDER
Certainly not. I would ruin someone if he did that to me.
O.O. POWERS
For a prank?
CHESTER BILDER
Say, you're getting kind of sassy. Are you growing a pair, O.O.?
O.O. POWERS
Why, no sir. I ... just think pranks like fraternity pranks are
funny.
CHESTER BILDER
Have you ever heard of Amanda Lutz?
O.O. POWERS
(Horrified)
Uh ... why, no! How would I know that name?
CHESTER BILDER
How old was she? Fourteen?
O.O. POWERS
How old was who?
CHESTER BILDER
You know who I'm talking about.
O.O. POWERS
Scout's honor!
CHESTER BILDER
You have no honor.
O.O. POWERS
(Resigned)
Right.
CHESTER BILDER
(Turning over the photo and handing it to O.O. Powers)
Look familiar?
O.O. POWERS
But ... but you knew about this kind of thing before I ran for
office. How do you think I became president?
CHESTER BILDER
Just so we know who's the boss.
O.O. Powers pulls out a video cell phone out of his jacket pocket and
punches some buttons. The phone emits sounds of a young girl
screaming in agony. O.O. Powers hands it to Chester Bilder, who
already has a concerned look on his face.
O.O. POWERS
Look familiar?
CHESTER BILDER
Mexican standoff, sir!
O.O. POWERS
Ole!
They grin at each other.
CHESTER BILDER
Who is this associate who knows about the angel fairies?
O.O. POWERS
Ah, he is the owner of the Prancing Damsel.
CHESTER BILDER
(Eagerly)
The Damsel?
O.O. POWERS
(Slightly surprised)
Ah, yes.
CHESTER BILDER
(Removing the smile from his face)
My granddaughter knew a woman who worked there. We got her to a
pastor and off the crack and into some decent employment.
O.O. POWERS
But not at Exxon-Mobil?
CHESTER BILDER
Certainly not. We wouldn't have human filth like that working here.
Besides, she was rode hard and put to bed wet.
O.O. POWERS
The manager of the Damsel does some work for us from time to time.
He's kind of an idiot. He will steal dirt from constructions sites at
night and steal palm trees from nudist colonies.
CHESTER BILDER
Why on Earth?
O.O. POWERS
Just a way to pick up some extra cash.
CHESTER BILDER
How much is a load of dirt worth?
O.O. POWERS
A few hundred. He also pimps out his danseures.
CHESTER BILDER
What the hell is a danseure?
O.O. POWERS
It's a female dancer in French.
CHESTER BILDER
Salut!
O.O. POWERS
(Country accent, imitating Hee-Haw)
This is going out to Chicken City, Iowa! ~Sa-alute.
They chuckle.
CHESTER BILDER
Let's steal the little fairies.
O.O. POWERS
We're working on it. We're looking into the homosexual black market
to see if there is any interest there in purchasing the boys.
CHESTER BILDER
Hell, there is interest here in the boys!
O.O. POWERS
(Hissing)
Shut up. The Pentagon may be listening.
CHESTER BILDER
(Imitating a French accent)
Oh, don't be stupid, ze Pentagon ees aroused.
Scene iv
INT. A VAN IS SITUATED OUTSIDE A LARGE HOUSE IN A PARTLY RURAL
NEIGHBORHOOD. TWO MEN INSIDE IT, ROY HARICOT AND RAY DE CLAIR, SURVEIL
THE HOUSE. - AFTERNOON
ROY HARICOT
Here comes her car.
RAY DE CLAIR
(Flaming gay)
Good. I hear she's hot.
ROY HARICOT
What would you know about that?
RAY DE CLAIR
Maybe she's a fag hag. I love them.
ROY HARICOT
What the hell is a fag hag?
RAY DE CLAIR
Oh, honey, never mind.
ROY HARICOT
(Perturbed)
Don't call me "honey," bitch.
Dissolve to Sulami getting out of her car and going up to the house.
She unlocks the door and goes inside. Dissolve to the entrance of the
house.
SULAMI
(Chanting)
Chattemok bashne bala shammai!
The angel fairies appear in front of her. The male angel fairies turn
into cowboys, smile warmly and tip their 10-gallon hats, and the
females gleam with joy at seeing her. Professor Pinkle lands on her
shoulder and looks at her with awe and love.
BOMB AND BASTIC
Sulami the Magnificent, salaam.
SULAMI
Salami, salami, baloney.
The female angel fairies metamorphose into a harem of olive-skinned,
veiled beauties with scanty clothing. The males are hashhashin clad
in black, medieval Arabic clothing with long daggers in their hands
and scimitars at their sides. Lenny is a huge eunuch with a big, fat
belly swaddled in a cummberbund. He takes a swig out of a jeroboam
of wine, sighs, wipes his mouth and belches.
SULAMI
(To Lenny)
What a pleasant man.
The angel fairies turn back into their natural selves with a look of
disgust on their faces.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES EXCEPT LENNY
We're sorry, Sulami.
LENNY
(On the verge of tears)
Don't apologize for me! If I'm sorry, I'll apologize for myself.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES EXCEPT LENNY
Aw, did we hurt your feelings, Lenny.
(Singing)
We love you, Lenny, oh yes we do, we love you Lenny ...
The angel fairies trail off.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Folding her arms and turning her back on Lenny)
What's on the agenda?
SULAMI
I want to go out with you guys and witness your japeries and high
jinx.
The angel fairies cheer.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Always close to Sulami)
What has this been, chopped liver?
Bomb and Bastic stand forward in bikinis, with dark tans, glistening
with oil and thrust their bikini tops forward.
BOMB
Show me where da' lifeguards at.
BASTIC
As if they would give you a second glance.
BOMB
Where's your little bathing suit skirt to hide your cellulitis?
The two attack each other physically. Bastic yanks at Bomb's hair and
pulls off some extensions. The two stop fighting and Bastic laughs
uproariously.
BASTIC
(Overwhelmed, ecstatic)
You have hair extensions!
BOMB
You little slut! Why, I oughta' ...
The two start fighting again. Sulami quickly utters the controlling
incantation.
SULAMI
E.I.E.I.O., Io.
The two stop fighting and look at her.
SULAMI
Now knock it off. Get ready for the beach.
Everyone changes to beach outfits and is bristling with umbrellas and
beach chairs and beach balls and whatnot. Sylvia Avery, a nun angel
fairy in full habit, appears puzzled and raises her hand.
SULAMI
What's your name?
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
Sylvia Avery.
SULAMI
Were you named after a song by Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show,
"Sylvia's Mother"?
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
No, but I like that song. I predate it by quite a few years. You're
no older than 21 yourself, how do you know that song? It probably
predates your mother.
SULAMI
I'm a student of 1970s music.
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
Do you know that song "Which Way You Going Billy"?
SULAMI
It's one of my favorites.
The angel fairies turn into a pop band and play it.
SULAMI
Hooray!
After the first chorus of the song is done, the angel fairies get
ready for the beach again.
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
What are japeries and high jinx?
SULAMI
(sighing)
Joking and pranks.
LENNY
(blushing)
I knew what those words meant.
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
(Sternly, slapping a pointer against the palm of her hand)
Repeat them!
LENNY
No! I doan' wanna.
The angel fairies snicker and point at Lenny.
Child of Joy, a beautiful Chinese angel fairy, stands forward and
speaks.
CHILD OF JOY
(Sarcastically)
Lenny, our resident scholar.
(Imitating Professor Henry Higgins in My Fair Ladies)
"And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let
her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a
few days of my sunshine. Very well, let her go, I can do without her.
I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine
fire!"
Everyone applauds except Lenny and Sister Sylvia Avery.
CHILD OF JOY
(Stamping her foot)
I may sound mean, but Lenny is good at stuff. He could catch clean
rainbow trout in the Cuyahoga River when it was on fire. He could fix
a Ford Model T's blown automatic transmission with his eyes closed
even though there was no such thing as an automatic transmission
then. He hauled boulders single-handedly at Giza and invented the
monkey wrench!
UNKNOWN ANGEL FAIRY
Ooo la la, Child of Joy has a thing for Lenny. Capuchin monks, and
monkeys, and capuchin monkeys.
SULAMI
Whales and sharks and whale sharks. Spiders and mites and spider
mites. Clowns and fish and clown fish. Come on. Lets go to the
beach and get some sun.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(To Sulami, pointing and feigning anger)
I ain't yer son!
SULAMI
I didn't say you were.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
I know. I just like that line.
Sulami laughs. The angel fairies titter. Dissolve to van.
RAY DE CLAIR
Did you get that?
Roy Haricot punches some buttons and plays back the incantations out
loud.
ROY HARICOT
(Pleased)
Yup. I bet those little beasties are hot. So is Sulami. Did you
hear or see them?
RAY DE CLAIR
(Dreamily)
No. I wonder what the boys have to work with. Think we'll ever get a
shot at them?
ROY HARICOT
Nah. We would have to be elected to Congress or get a job at the
White House or become a high official at a corporation or become a
television news anchor or commentator or a high-ranking military
officer.
RAY DE CLAIR
(Shuddering)
I'd rather be a stevedore.
ROY HARICOT
That wouldn't be so bad for you. Lots of ... what would you call it?
RAY DE CLAIR
(Slyly)
I could show you.
ROY HARICOT
(Seriously)
Come one inch closer to me and you end up on your keister outside this
van. If we could become full CIA or DIA agents or one of the other
stupidity agencies we might have a shot at them, but as hired guns for
the homosexual black market I doubt it. Maybe I'm better off with my
daughters.
RAY DE CLAIR
Mine are in college.
ROY HARICOT
You have daughters?
RAY DE CLAIR
Seven. Each one sweeter and prettier than the last. Pure as the
driven snow, too.
ROY HARICOT
Why did you have such a big family?
RAY DE CLAIR
I was trying to have sons.
ROY HARICOT
Sicko.
RAY DE CLAIR
Why don't you get a new wife and start a new family?
ROY HARICOT
(Hand on heart)
"To have and to hold." Ugly bitch! Besides, I'm 50. I'd be in my
mid- to late-50s before the kids were in their prime. Hopefully I'll
be a grandfather soon and I can do some baby-sitting. We'll always
have Viagra, Cialis and the other one. Besides, you can't kidnap,
rape, fist, beat, torture, strangle and kill your own children.
RAY DE CLAIR
I wouldn't want to do that anybody's child.
ROY HARICOT
You would never make it in the U.S. intelligence services or in any of
the upper echelons of government, including the courts.
Fade.
Scene v
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Sulami is lying on her back in a one-piece swimsuit. She is wearing
sunglasses, and her long, black hair is scattered around her head on
the towel. A tetrad of short, dark-skinned Central American men in
colorful, long-sleeved shirts; full-length blue jeans; and brogan
shoes is arrayed in a row behind her, talking softly to one another
and admiring her. The surf gently brushes the shore a few feet away.
A skinny, goofy-looking teenage boy with dark hair is sitting in the
surf sifting sand and glancing occasionally at Sulami, perhaps just to
see if she is still there, thinking that it is too good to be true
that she is. It is Professor Pinkle, who has taken the form of a
boy. The angel fairies are arrayed around Sulami on towels and beach
blankets, some under umbrellas, some slathered with zinc oxide sun
screen, unseen to all but she. Sister Sylvia Avery, under an umbrella
and covered from the top of her head to the tips of her toes in
wimple, habit and practical shoes, with just her face and hands
showing, is reading the Book of Lamentations with a joyous look. A
tall, handsome young man, Mark Gerard, walks up and crouches down next
to Sulami a few feet away. Professor Pinkle looks jealous but sits
quietly.
MARK GERARD
(Friendlily)
Hi. Would you like some company?
Sulami gets up on her elbows and looks at Mark Gerard.
SULAMI
Did you know Frank L. Baum was a vicious racist who advocated the
extermination of the American Indians?
MARK GERARD
Yes, but I must confess that I read and enjoyed his books and thrilled
to the film version of "The Wizard of Oz" when I was a lad. I still
think about Judy Garland sometimes. I didn't know that about Baum at
the time, though.
SULAMI
OK. I would like some company.
MARK GERARD
OK, great!
SULAMI
My name is Sulami. What's your name?
MARK GERARD
Mark Gerard. What does "Sulami" mean?
SULAMI
I don't know.
MARK GERARD
(Pointing to "Ka.")
What are you reading?
SULAMI
Roberto Calasso's "Ka: Stories of the Mind and Gods of India." Have
you read it?
MARK GERARD
No, but I loved his "The Marriage of Cadmus and Harmony."
SULAMI
Weren't those Greeks vicious? Zeus and Io and Hera and the gadfly?
MARK GERARD
Greek me no Greeks! What about Herakles and Atlas?
SULAMI
I'm still in therapy over that.
Mark laughs.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
We hatesss Herakleess, preciousss.
MARK GERARD
(Oblivious to the telepathic angel fairies)
Read me a passage, please.
SULAMI
(Picking up the book, turning to a page and reading)
"Daksa and Virini, their faces noble and time-worn, though with
something gloomy about them too, an expression almost of dismay, sat
by the fire after their daughters and servants had gone to bed. Daksa
said: 'This man who has come, this stranger, this woman-stealer, this
enemy of our rules and rites, this wanderer who loves the ashes of the
dead, who speaks of things divine to the lowest of the low, this man
who sometimes seems crazy, who has something obscene about him, who
grows his hair long as a girl's, who bedecks himself with bones, who
laughs and cries for no reason, why should I give my daughter Sati to
him of all men, why should I give She-who-is to someone who, every
time I see him, seems to me the opposite of everything I want life to
be? Why did I compose so many rites, so many signs, so many words,
why did I generate She-who-is, just to have everything stolen from me
one day by the one who is its living negation?'"
Mark Gerard works his Adam's apple a bit and chokes back a tear.
MARK GERARD
Poor guy. Some people are just misunderstood, I guess.
SULAMI
Daksa is just jealous. Sati wants Siva the pariah. Have you heard
about the Lingam?
Mark laughs.
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Singing Phillips, Craig and Dean's "Hallelujah Your Love is Amazing)
Your love is amazing, Steady and unchanging, Your love is a mountain,
Firm beneath my feet, Your love is a mystery, How You gently lift me,
When I am surrounded, Your love carries me
([chorus])
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah Your love makes me sing ...
The angel fairies trail off. Sulami and Mark Gerard continued
speaking unheard while the angel fairies sang the song. When they are
done, the pair's conversation continues.
MARK GERARD
What do you do for a living?
SULAMI
I'm an ecdysiast. But I think I may have found a sugar daddy.
MARK GERARD
Oh? Who is he?
SULAMI
I'm not even sure. He's some kind of a mystery. E. Goatman is his
name.
MARK GERARD
What ethnic background is the name "Goatman"?
SULAMI
Every single one.
Mark laughs heartily. The angel fairies, unseen to Mark, also laugh
heartily. Professor Pinkle/teenager's heart is broken. He wipes the
back of his hand across his cheek and goes for a swim in the Atlantic
Ocean.
MARK GERARD
I bet E. Goatman is just a lamb. What does he do that is so
mysterious?
SULAMI
Well, for one thing, he has this big house with all these fine
furnishings, but you have to sit on these one-legged field stools if
you visit him there. And you know something, they're not that
uncomfortable.
MARK GERARD
How odd. Was he an anthropologist or an ornithologist or something?
SULAMI
I don't know. He seems to know a lot.
MARK GERARD
How old is he?
SULAMI
All he would say is, "I'm as old as Paris and as young as Spain." It
doesn't matter. He's as rich as Croesus and has other ... gifts.
MARK GERARD
Such as?
SULAMI
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Mark Gerard laughs.
MARK GERARD
(Imitating eat-dead-burnt-bodies Henry Kissinger)
Thot iss an old choke, und you dell it bodly.
SULAMI
I hate Henry Kissinger.
MARK GERARD
Were you aware that they gave that mass-murdering Nazi a Nobel peace
prize?
SULAMI
Yes. I was nominated for one, but I told them to withdraw my name
because they gave it to him. I could have used the money, too!
They both laugh.
MARK GERARD
What were you nominated for?
SULAMI
I quelled a riot in high school that started over who got to have a
date with me.
MARK GERARD
Whom did you pick?
SULAMI
The skinny one with glasses.
MARK GERARD
Why?
SULAMI
He had a big ... vocabulary. Where do you work?
MARK GERARD
I'm a lifeguard.
SULAMI
Shouldn't you be guarding the kiddies?
MARK GERARD
I'm off duty.
SULAMI
You're a lifeguard and you come to the beach on your days off?
MARK GERARD
I like to see the pretty girls.
Sulami laughs.
MARK GERARD
Well, I guess I won't get your phone number since you have a sugar
daddy.
SULAMI
What is this, grade school, where we can't be friends?
He laughs.
MARK GERARD
I thought grade school was the only place you could be friends.
SULAMI
(Grinning)
867-5309.
MARK GERARD
S'ank ya', sweetie!
SULAMI
Don't you want me to write it down for you?
Mark taps his temple with his forefinger.
SULAMI
Ooo, a smart guy. I like!
MARK GERARD
I do it in bars, and the women beg me to write their numbers down
because I'm so beautiful and they're afraid I'll forget.
Sulami laughs.
SULAMI
Well, it was great talking to you. Give me a call soon.
MARK GERARD
Thanks, Sulami. Peace.
SULAMI
Vaya con dios.
He gets up and walks away. Sulami watches him.
SULAMI
(To the angel fairies)
Tall drink of water.
CHILD OF JOY
(Belting out the first stanza of Helen Reddy's "I am Woman")
I am woman, hear me roar, In numbers too big to ignore, And I know too
much to go back an' pretend, 'Cause I've heard it all before, And I've
been down there on the floor, No one's ever gonna keep me down again.
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Singing the chorus)
Oh, I am woman, I am invincible, I am strong, I am woman, I am
invincible, I am strong, I am woman.
Sulami and the male angel fairies laugh.
SULAMI
He does have that effect.
(Pouting)
But what about E. Goatman?
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Singing Dusty Springfield's "Yesterday When I Was Young")
Oh, yesterday when I was young, So many, many songs were waiting to be
sung, So many wild pleasures lay in store for me, And so much pain my
eyes refused to see, There are so many songs in me that won't be sung,
I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue, The time has come for
me to pay for yesterday, When I was young.
SULAMI
Oh, he's not that old. Besides, older men know what they're doing
better.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Curiously)
What do you mean?
SULAMI
Never mind, you.
SILI VESHTI
Old men are just as piggy as young men.
SULAMI
You're telling me? Do you know where I work?
SILI VESHTI
I am sorry about where you work.
SULAMI
Thanks. Maybe E. Goatman will rescue me. He said he would throw
doubloons at me and he hasn't even made a pass at me yet.
SILI VESHTI
(Now wearing a long dress with long sleeves, eyeglasses, with her hair
in a snood)
He hasn't?
SULAMI
No. What are you now, a librarian?
SILI VESHTI
I am my own great-grandmother.
SULAMI
Hail to the chief cook and bottle washer.
SILI VESHTI
(Blonde, with scanty animal-skin clothing)
No, my great-grandma didn't have bottles. She ate gristle around a
campfire because the strong men kept the good meat to themselves. She
carried a flint knife that she'd nick your neck with if you looked at
her cross-eyed. Did you ever see Darryl Hannah in "Clan of the Cave
Bears"?
SULAMI
Yes. Do the do the humpty hump.
SILI VESHTI
My great-grandma says what all women have always said since time
immemorial since they were little: Boys are dumb.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Pointing at the Central Americans)
Lets play some high jinx on the peanut gallery.
SULAMI
You just leave them alone. I am flattered by their attention. How
long was Jonah in the belly of the whale? Forty days and 40 nights?
Everyone laughs except Professor Pinkle. He is an angel fairy again,
languishing near the left side of Sulami's face. He is a fat, old,
ugly, maudlin angel fairy again.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Hopefully, pulling out a tiny cell phone)
I remember your phone number, Sulami. 867-5309.
SULAMI
Well, that's great, professor. Do you do taxes?
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Ever the hopeful one)
I am adept at filing income taxes!
SULAMI
Great. This is May 1. Call me next April 14 and we'll see about
getting together over lunch and taxes.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Crying)
May Day! May Day!
JOY FUNCHILD
(In a French accent)
Double entendre! Double entendre!
The angel fairies laugh. Professor Pinkle flies up to Sister Sylvia
Avery with a mad look on his face.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
What the hell are you reading, little miss perfect?
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
The Book of Lamentations.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Hit me!
SISTER SYLVIA AVERY
Chapter 1, verses 8 to 9:
(reading)
Jerusalem has sinned greatly and so has become unclean.
All who honored her despise her, for they have seen her nakedness; she
herself groans and turns away.
9 Her filthiness clung to her skirts; she did not consider her future.
Her fall was astounding; there was none to comfort her.
"Look, O LORD, on my affliction, for the enemy has triumphed."
SILI VESHTI
We hatesss them, preciousss. Remember the 1948 UN Resolution 194,
which
"Resolves that [Palestinian] refugees wishing to return to their homes
and live at peace with their neighbors should be permitted to do so at
the earliest practicable date, and that compensation should be paid
for the property of those choosing not to return ..."
SULAMI
You two are going to call the Anti- §Defamation League down on you.
You think the Spanish were tough on the Indians? Fuhgeddaboudit.
SILI VESHTI
I am woman, hear me roar!
She transmogrifies into the ugliest male demon and pulls out her
Peacemakers, fires all 12 rounds into the air, alternating weapons;
transforms into an Israeli girl child and scrawls the words "To
Lebanon, From Israel, With Love" on the side of a military missile;
becomes the missile itself; and explodes into space as Steppenwolf's
"Born to Be Wild" plays on the soundtrack.
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
Hooray!
Sulami laughs. She sits up and turns around and faces the Central
Americans and chatters at them in nonsense Spanish, friendlily
(subtitled translations in English nonsense). They laugh shyly. She
blows them a kiss, turns back around and speaks to the angel fairies
telepathically, as usual.
SULAMI
You ready to go?
SILI VESHTI
(Flying back down to Earth as the most beautiful angel fairy)
Let's go to Toojay's delicatessen.
SULAMI
Yes! I'm famished.
Dissolve to the surveillance van parked above the beach. The two men
are leaning back against the van with their arms crossed, watching.
ROY HARICOT
Ai yai yai. Who do you think is luckier, the Mexicans or the kid in
the surf?
RAY DE CLAIR
The kid in the surf, hombre. Up skirt! Rope-a-dope!
They snicker.
ROY HARICOT
You're not as bad as I thought you would be. They told me you were a
comebuggler, and I didn't want to do this job with you.
RAY DE CLAIR
(Pretending to wipe a tear)
Aw. Sank ya', sweetie!
ROY HARICOT
(Angry)
Any other ~homo called me sweetie and I'd stick a shiv in his guts!
RAY DE CLAIR
You can stick a shiv in my guts any time, hon.
Roy Haricot laughs in spite of himself.
ROY HARICOT
Are you attracted at all to women?
RAY DE CLAIR
I was. Then I went to a psychiatrist because I was conflicted. He
told me to forget about women. That I would be gay forever, probably
even after died.
ROY HARICOT
Are you serious?
RAY DE CLAIR
You butter believe it. I looked it up in the American Psychiatric
Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.
It says you can never become straight once you go gay, and
psychiatrists should advise their patients such.
ROY HARICOT
Sons of bitches. I don't mean to be indelicate here, but you can
never have any of that sweet poontang if you're gay.
RAY DE CLAIR
You're telling me. But in one way it was good. The battlements of my
daughters' virtues held strong.
ROY HARICOT
You mean they didn't do the mess around, even in high school?
RAY DE CLAIR
I don't think they did. We told them not to, we chaperoned them, we
made them come home by midnight, we refused to give them the pill
though every last one of their friends' parents did so.
ROY HARICOT
I got news for you. That's how it was my entire school career, and we
still ended up getting some. And I went to Catholic school.
RAY DE CLAIR
Come out, Virginia.
Fade.
Scene vi
INT. E. GOATMAN'S HOUSE. - EVENING
Sulami walks up to a comfortable chair and goes to sit down, but
Sister Sylvia Avery flies up and gently shoos her away.
SULAMI
You mean I have to sit on one of the field stools even when E. isn't
here?
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
Yes'm.
SULAMI
What is it with these stools?
UNKNOWN ANGEL FAIRY
E. Goatman is kind of eccentric.
SULAMI
You're telling me. Has he had many girlfriends over the years or has
he been married?
UNKNOWN FEMALE ANGEL FAIRY
He's never been married, but he is a swordsman of great note.
Sulami laughs.
SULAMI
Epee or broadsword?
The female angel fairies blush with eyes cast down toward their hands
folded across the fronts of their laps.
SULAMI
Er, never mind. Should we watch TV?
The entire crowd of angel fairies laughs.
SILI VESHTI
What in the world would you want to watch TV for?
SULAMI
Sports, the arts, science, nature, entertainment, laughs.
SILI VESHTI
(Sheepish)
Well, when you put it that way. I went to Harvard, you know.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
We all audit classes in the finest universities all over the world,
you little braggart.
Sili Veshti puts her thumbnail on her front tooth and flips it at
them.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Sili Veshti, why did you say boys are dumb? You said it again at
Toojay's this evening.
Sili Veshti transforms into the English major again, with her
eyeglasses, snood and long dress.
LENNY
(Cutting in)
Don't get snotty, Sili.
SILI VESHTI
(Superciliously)
Wipe your slimy nose before you talk to me, you lowborn knave.
LENNY
(Now a black angel fairy honking his big scnhoz with a big,
multicolored bandanna)
Knave of spades, I am, and damned proud of it.
Cackles the Clown blows a loud, obnoxious note on her fat, red clown
horn.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Stop it! Why are you all so silly? Sili, answer me.
SILI VESHTI
Sorry, Cackles. You're the Eternal Clown, and you're asking us why we
are silly? Isn't the clown supposed to be the MALE anti-king?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
What is this, a dictionary of symbols? Besides, the clown becomes the
king in the end. Hold up.
(She holds up her hand and tilts her head as if listening)
God says the clown is always the king.
SILI VESHTI
(Cackling)
Silly girl. Well, I'll give you one example as to why boys are dumb.
They own the world and everything in it, and they don't like to
share. Remember the brat who wouldn't let you play with his toys when
you were little?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Girls did that too.
SILI VESHTI
Girls grow up to give life, the least selfish act.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
True dat.
SILI VESHTI
May I continue?
Cackles curtsies and is suddenly dressed in a tutu and plies a few
times.
SILI VESHTI
What is this with dance? Anyway, as I was trying to say, the boys on
the U.S. Supreme Court recently ruled in Ledbetter vs. the U.S.
Chamber Pot of Commerce that women can only sue for pay discrimination
within six months of their hire date if they find out their male
counterparts earn more because of sexual discrimination. Ms.
Ledbetter had worked at Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. for longer than
some of her male co-workers and had more experience than some of them
but got annual raises 15 to 25 percent less than they. She made much
less money even though she deserved it more. In general, women earn
about 80 percent or less of what men do. Black people earn about 64
percent of what whites do, and Latinos do worse than whites, too.
Boys rule the world and hog everything for themselves. White boys.
Boys are dumb.
There is a sustained ovation from the entire angel-fairy assembly.
LENNY
(Wiping a tear)
You may be a snot, Sili, but you are righteous.
SILI VESHTI
You say that to all the girls.
She returns to her usual attire, without eyeglasses and snood, and
winks at him.
SILI VESHTI
(Looking at Lenny, speaking in an exaggerated Southern accent)
You ain't from around here, are ya'? How big a old beau are ya'?
LENNY
(Puffing himself up)
About 13 inches tall!
Sulami tries to suppress laughter but cannot. The crowd glares at
her. Bomb and Bastic are spitting mad. They metamorphose into
boiling, whistling tea kettles, which makes everyone laugh, including
Sulami.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Singing)
I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my
snout. When I get all steamed, up I shout out, Sock it to me baby,
let it all hang out!
The angel fairies cheer.
SILI VESHTI
(Prim again)
Do you know what graffito I saw on a Dumpster? You won't believe
this: "Cody and Katie, sitting in a bush, all they do is push, push,
push." Whatever happened to, "Cody and Katie sitting in a tree, k-i-s-
s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Katie in a
baby carriage"?
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Leering)
Cody and Katie ought to be spanked!~
SULAMI
(Lifting an eyebrow)
Don't push it, professor. I'm going up to bed. What do you all do at
night?
They all turn into vampires and smile malevolently at her. Sulami
laughs. Then they turn back into their usual selves and double over
with laughter.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
I must confess, miss, I fantasize about you.
Sulami blushes.
UNKNOWN ANGEL FAIRY
An ecdysiast who blushes?
The angel fairies glare at him.
UNKNOWN ANGEL FAIRY
All I'm saying is what I'm saying.
SULAMI
It's a fair enough question. I am not a prostitute and I never take
off my top and bottoms.
UNKNOWN ANGEL FAIRY
But don't you do lap dances?
SULAMI
Yes.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Can I have one?
Professor Pinkle pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket and waves it
around.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
One hon'red Amerkan dollah'!
SULAMI
They're worthless.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Drum beat, piano and horn from Otis Redding's "Tramp" plays)
I can buy you minks, rats, frogs, squirrels, rabbits, ... anything you
want, Woman. I'm a lover. Mama was. Grandmama. Papa too.
SULAMI
Tramp!
PROFESSOR PINKLE
S'ank ya', sweetie!
SULAMI
T'aint nothing but a thang. Keep your money. Why don't you
transmogrify into a good-looking young man and come to the Prancing
Damsel and have a dance?
(Shuddering)
But please don't tell me who you are till afterward.
(Pensively)
Maybe E. will come through for me. My knight in shining armor.
BASTIC
Sweetie, you're so sweet and young and good-looking, you could clean
up your act and have a sugar daddy lickety-split. Just go hang out in
a bar on Palm Beach. You'd be snapped up in no time.
SULAMI
Who would want one of those pigs?
BASTIC
How twue, how twue.
BOMB
Tell him who you were married to.
BASTIC
At least I had a decent, Christian marriage bed instead of a string of
wanton huskies since time immemorial.
BOMB
Tell it. I dare you.
BASTIC
(Lifting her chin)
Bautista the Cuban sugar baron.
SULAMI
(Jaw dropping)
Get out of here.
BASTIC
I wasn't even young and foolish.
SULAMI
Were you an angel fairy?
BASTIC
Not around him. He was a comebuggler from the word go. But he was
rich and handsome and had a ... nice singing voice. I wanted to meet
world leaders and diplomats and industrialists and entertainers and
whatnot.
BOMB
Tell who your best friend was at the time.
BASTIC
(Pained)
Do I have to?
BOMB
I will if you won't.
BASTIC
(Resigned)
A y n Rand.
SULAMI
You're kidding. I read "Atlas Shrugged" when I was 12 and
instinctively loathed every word on every page even though I wasn't
even sure what she was talking about all the time. I knew selfishness
and greed when I saw it, though. I later forced myself to read "The
Fountainhead." It was like a train wreck. You couldn't look away.
BASTIC
She was fascinating. And she did give to charity.
BOMB
Tell which one.
BASTIC
You wench. Do you have to ruin everything?
BOMB
She gave $10 mil ...
BASTIC
(Cutting in)
OK. She gave $10 million to build a wing on a local art museum. It
is named for her.
SULAMI
Who did she leave her money to?
BASTIC
Armand Hammer.
SULAMI
The industrialist billionaire?
Bastic nods.
BASTIC
Only Hammer could go to Russia.
SULAMI
You would think she would hate him for it.
BASTIC
She was perverse.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
(Excited)
How do you mean?
Everyone glares at Professor Pinkle.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
I am a social scientist!
SULAMI
What's your field?
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Psychiatry.
SULAMI
How's the old reticule doin', there, Herr Doktor?
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Back atcha'!
Sulami laughs.
SULAMI
That's for me to know and E. to find out.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
What do you mean?
SULAMI
Never mind. Why don't you go practice your tuba?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
It ain't a tuba! It's a fat, red clown horn!
SULAMI
(Taken aback)
Sorry, sorry. Why is there only one clown?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
E.
SULAMI
He's funny, but he's as sober as a judge.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Wait till you get him with Edna Stikeleather.
SULAMI
Is that his biker bitch?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
It's a he.
SULAMI
Edna is a he?
CACKLES THE CLOWN
(Nodding)
Better than Sue.
SULAMI
I'm not so sure about that. I still can't see E. as a clown.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Japeries and high jinx. Big-time wiseacre.
SULAMI
The fastest way to a girl's heart is through her funny bone. He's
shown me his japeries but I have yet to see his high jinx.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Dunno. Maybe he wants to be friends.
SULAMI
I have friends coming out the wazoo.
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
We, too, are your friends.
SULAMI
Aw, shucks. Thanks, fellas. I'm going to call it a night. Where can
I sleep?
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
Come with us.
ALL OF THE MALE ANGEL FAIRIES
We wants her!
ALL OF THE FEMALE ANGEL FAIRIES
Avaunt, ye bloody poot chasers. We'll smite ye with our pumpgoilers.
ALL OF THE MALE ANGEL FAIRIES
(Pretending to quake in fear, then smiling)
Go in peace, then. Sweet gentle the purty decent.
Sulami follows the female angel fairies into a hallway. The male
angel fairies go to the bar and mix drinks.
PROFESSOR PINKLE
Make mine a double.
LENNY
(Perfect French pronunciation)
Double entendre?
Fade.
Act ii
Scene I
INT. E. GOATMAN'S HOUSE. EVERYONE IS ASLEEP EXCEPT SEVEN ANGEL FAIRIES
UNDINES, WHO ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. BRUJA, AN 18-YEAR-OLD FEMALE
ANGEL FAIRY GYMNAST UNDINE, IS SITTING IN THE LIGHT OF THE ONLY
BURNING LAMP IN THE HOUSE, READING LEWIS CARROLL'S "JABBERWOCKY" OUT
LOUD. EIGHT OTHER 18-YEAR-OLD ANGEL FAIRY GYMNAST UNDINES, ALL DRESSED
IN THEIR LEOTARDS, ARE LISTENING INTENTLY. - EVENING
BRUJA
I'm about to read some Lewis Carroll.
(Imitating Clint Eastwood)
Anybody don't want to have an orgasm better clear on out the back.
The undines titter.
BRUJA
(Clearing her throat)
OK, lets have a reading from Jabberwocky: "'Twas brillig and the
slithy toves; did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were
borogroves; and the mome raths outgrabe."
French doors smash open at the one end of the room and a U.S. Central
Intelligence Agency squad of eight black ops agents busts in with guns
drawn. Simultaneously, French doors smash open at the other end of
the room and a squad of eight homosexual black market contract killer/
kidnappers busts in with guns drawn.
A CIA AGENT AND ROY HARICOT
(Simultaneously)
E.I.E.I.O.; Io.
All of the bad guys stand there expectantly, their trembling guns
trained on the undines. Bruja lifts her eyebrow, and the undines
exchange a look of indifference.
BRUJA
And?
ROY HARICOT
(Confused)
We're kidnapping you.
BRUJA
You and who else?
ROY HARICOT
(Motioning toward the CIA black ops squad)
I guess whoever these other guys are.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
These little beasties are ours.
ROY HARICOT
Says who?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
The Bilderberg Society.
Roy Haricot laughs.
ROY HARICOT
We're with the homosexual black market. The gays will strappado you
until you turn into little girls and beg them to be nice to you.
Ray de Clair giggles and nods his head.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Pointing his gun at Ray de Clair)
Is he a fairy?
ROY HARICOT
No.
(Pointing with his gun at the undines)
They are.
Steven Jones chuckles, then turns to the undines.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Get the rest of your crew down here.
BRUJA
Say please and thank you.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Listen, you little bitch, you have 10 seconds to fly your little ass
up there and get the rest of the ... whatever in hell you are ... down
here.
Bruja rolls her eyes and turns to Poulet, an undine angel fairy.
BRUJA
I guess you better do as the ...
(Looks at Jones and runs her eyes up and down his body)
... man? ~says.
POULET
They interrupted Lewis Carroll.
BRUJA
It will be punished. Now go along. They nailed us dead to rights
with the incantation. Tell the others we're being held hostage and
their presence is required. Wake up Sulami, too.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
We get Sulami.
ROY HARICOT
Our business is with the boy angel fairies. You can have any of the
women you want.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Sicko.
ROY HARICOT
Hey, I'm scraight.
(Waving his weapon toward his crew)
These guys are the homos.
The homosexual black market crew glares at Roy Haricot.
RAY DE CLAIR
Oh, calm down, bitches. Roy is OK.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Roy, what do you say we go have a mud bath afterward?
The United States Central Intelligence Agency black operations crew
busts out laughing. Roy laughs too.
RAY DE CLAIR
I'm free for a mud bath!
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Training his gun on Ray de Clair's crotch)
Take one step toward me and you're a transsexual.
RAY DE CLAIR
(Swinging his long black coat aside and swiveling his riot gun up at
hip level, speaking in a Western drawl.)
You a putty good shot with that popgun, pard?
Both parties are visibly angry and anxious when a cloud of angel
fairies led by Cackles the Clown comes flying into the room. Sulami
brings up the rear in a short nightie. Cackles produces her fat red
clown horn and blows a fanfare. Sulami excuses herself and comes to
the fore. She eyes both parties contemptuously and looks at the
undines, who look totally unconcerned.
POULET
Sulami, we were reading Lewis Carroll when these rascals interrupted
us!
SULAMI
(Good natured)
The nerve! What do you have to say for yourselves, gentlemen?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Shut that little bitch up.
SULAMI
(To Poulet)
I guess he doesn't know what an undine is, then?
POULET
Apparently not.
(To Steven Jones, turning on the charm)
Why don't you come up and see me some time?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Hesitates)
Er, we, ah, are here to kidnap you for the people in power. We're
with the CIA. We procure ... well, little folk for the establishment
types to have their way.
POULET
What's your name, darling?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Blushing)
Steven.
Poulet flies toward him, but he quickly raises his gun and stops her
in mid-flight.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
I was born at night, but not last night. You're trying to sweeten me
up and then stick a shiv in my guts.
POULET
You have me all wrong, big boy.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Look, we're taking all of these angel fairies with us.
RAY DE CLAIR
You can have the girls.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
The men in power like boys, too.
RAY DE CLAIR
(Winking)
Are you in power, Steven?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Listen, faggot ...
Ray de Clair makes a show of cocking his riot gun. Jones rips his
shirt open to show his body armor.
RAY DE CLAIR
Nice armor, Steven, but this baby is loaded with slugs.
Jones eyes the riot gun warily.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Are they rifled.
RAY DE CLAIR
I, too am rifled, Steven.
The homosexual black market crew laughs, except Roy.
ROY HARICOT
All right. Knock it off. You can have the girls, we'll take the
boys.
The rest of the homosexuals throw open their long, black coats to
swing up .50-caliber automatic rifles.
CACKLES THE CLOWN
Whoa! Those are .50-caliber! Those babies laugh at body armor.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Scared)
OK, OK. You get the boys. Divvy them and lets get out of here. We
get Sulami.
SULAMI
I'm flattered, Steven. Aren't I a bit long in the tooth for the likes
of O.O. Powers?
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
Watch your mouth when you talk about our dear leader, you little
whore.
POULET
Steven, I'll be your whore.
THE REST OF THE UNDINES
Hi, fellas. What do you say we go down to the Crystal Palace and hang
out for a while?
POULET
It's a real special place, guys. We think O.O. would like it, Steven.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
(Angry)
That's Mr. President to you!
ALL OF THE UNDINES
Yes, Mr. President. We're sorry, Mr. President.
CIA AGENT STEVEN JONES
I'm not the president, you little bitches.
ALL OF THE UNDINES
You have our vote in November!
ALL OF THE ANGEL FAIRIES
Hear, hear!
Tector Crites (Jackson gang: [voice-over] There is nothing worse than
a harlot turned respectable. A reformed anything is bad enough, but a
reformed harlot is the direct wrath of the Devil. Seems that those who
have spent time giving pleasure for profit are all the more zealous
when it comes to dealing out misery.
Wally Chapman
wrote" would make a great name for a rock band.
Wally