Martha Stewart

[PAPACHUBY2]

With autumn nipping at our heels, it seems everyone I know has two things on
their minds -- fun, useful weekend projects, and our drug-addled, corruption
ridden society's imminent collapse.
Fortunately, there's no shortage of economical ideas that speak to both
concerns. Here are a few of them. I hope you enjoy them and remember -- be sure
and destroy this document as soon as you read it, lest the socialist drones
down
at ATF suddenly decide to once again cynically disregard your constitutional
and
God-given rights and confiscate this material as "evidence" in one of
their ruthless witchhunts they pass off as "justice."
Brightly tinted autumnal flower arrangements add a jolt of color to any home
-- and can also cunningly camouflage a Colt 1911 Government issue Auto Pistol.
A
shaggy tuft of water-hued hydrangeas, clipped at the right time, can last for
years -- certainly longer than the crumbling infrastructure of our bleeding
heart courts can stem the tide of psychopathic sludge from engulfing all but
the most heavily armed of us. Ideally, you'll need a double wire frame, as well
as a length of 22 gauge wire to give the flowers added body and to conceal
spare
magazines.
You must make sure to clip the flowers before they reach peak color.
Otherwise, the flora will actually brown -- robbing your bouquet of those
glorious fall hues and making the jet black gleam of your Colt all too obvious
to even the most glazed-over, crack-crazed intruder.
Lay the bouquets against the frame loosely in order to give the colors a
chance to overlap and to allow easy access to your piece. Wrap around the frame
and stems several times with the 22 gauge wire and place another bouquet
against
the stems to suit your personal taste. Indeed, if you place enough hydrangeas
over the wire mesh of your frame, you should be easily able to conceal an
entire
Colt with a basketweave steel-reinforced belt loop with adjustable
screws and built in jacket slot to fit a 2 1/4 inch Sam Browne belt! Flowers do
say so much.
We all know how hard it is to find that perfect little hideaway far removed
from the hustle and bustle of the rat race and those draconian thugs at the
FBI.
Even when we can find one, we all know the trade off -- for every measure of
safety a concrete reinforced steel braided survival fortress affords us from
the
subhuman vermin that infest our every street corner, it loses a piece of down
home, folksy charm.
Well, how about a 40's look? That vintage blond birch look most typified by
classic Heywood- Wakefield pieces will add a sparse beauty to your shelter. In
addition, the furniture's clean, simple lines provide the perfect backdrop for
teaching your little ones about happier times, when long-haired beatniks like
Ralph Nader were far removed from our national landscape and the only time
you'd
be approached late at night in a darkened hall by an immigrant would be when
the
night porter wanted to know if you'd like a scotch to take back to your Pullman
sleeper.
Finally today, I'd like to talk about air freshness. There's no denying
bunkers need them, but store bought ones often smell so antiseptic ( not to
mention that they're often rigged with tiny listening devices and loaded by
the
Trilateral Commission with mind-controlling drugs). Well, the simple,
traditional ways are often the best ( as with everything else in life but
weaponry). It depends on the degree of freshness you'll need. If it is simply
to keep the stench of urban decay and bizarre foreign foods away, a potpourri
filled with baking soda and cinnamon sticks will often do the trick. Keep them
near areas of ventilation, doorways or any other place the flood of detritus
first unleashed by FDR and the New Deal might seep its way into your home.
For larger needs, such as ridding the room of the lingering scent of
gunpowder and assorted nitrates, I've found that dried fruit peels, such as
lemons, oranges and the like do wonders. Even the acrid odor of swarthy
federal marshals or the pungent aroma of sun-bleached, decaying human flesh
that
so often spoils otherwise inspiring victory rallies are no match for these
little sachets of Mother Natures'. It's a Good Thing!

Send your tips to <A HREF="mailto:mar...@angstmag.com">Martha</A>.