On whether to say "please" to children
Lenona
children need to be taught that no, they can't report a neighbor to
the police just because he gets mean when their ball bounces through
his yard, and yes, they have to help their visiting aunt find her
glasses, "even though it's true she never says please." (MM was
talking about those adults children need to be polite to and those
they don't - such as potential molesters. Unfortunately, the only ones
she referred to were overly friendly strangers, which, as everyone
should know by now, are hardly the most common type of molester.
Anyway, her point was that while there's a time and place for
friendliness, even between adults and children, children shouldn't
expect to be treated like adults' equals, so they can only expect a
certain level of politeness from adults.)
http://www.kansascity.com/2011/04/12/2794481/living-with-children.html
By JOHN ROSEMOND
McClatchy Newspapers
Q: When a parent is giving a child an instruction, like "pick up your
toys," should the parent use "please"? My wife says we should model
the behavior we want from our kids, but I say it's unnecessary.
A: I was surprised to discover, searching back over 35 years of weekly
newspaper columns (approximately 1,750), that I've never answered this
important question. I have said on several occasions that children
should be taught fundamental manners --- including proper use of
"please," "thank you," and "you're welcome"-before they are taught
their ABCs, but never have I looked at this issue from the flip side
of the coin. So it's time that I did, and THANK YOU for asking.
Since there is no research on this matter, I must rely solely on
personal experience and opinion, both of which lead to me answer "it
depends."
Specifically, it depends on the situation. Are you giving an
instruction or are you making a request?
In many instances, tacking "please" onto the beginning or end of an
instruction such as "pick up your toys" may well give the child the
impression that the parent is asking the child to consider whether
he'd like to pick up his toys or not. In that event, the use of
"please" has confused the issue and the child is much less likely to
pick up the toys.
I generally recommend, and especially with young children, that
parents not introduce this potential confusion into their
instructions. Authoritative parent speech (I also call it "leadership
speech" and "alpha speech") greatly increases the likelihood of
obedience, and all of the good research into parenting outcomes
clearly finds that obedience and happiness go hand-in-glove. That's
generally true, by the way, of adults as well as children.
The employee who is constantly pushing against the boundaries,
constantly questioning the authority of his or her boss, is not a
happy camper.
When giving an instruction to a child, I recommend prefacing it with
one of the following: "I need you to...," "I want you to...," "You're
going to...," or "It's time for you to..." Parents who master that
habit invariably report to me that obedience increases dramatically in
a relatively short period of time. That's hardly surprising given that
those prefaces make it perfectly clear that the instruction is not
being thrown out there for the child to think about and/or do in his
or her own sweet time.
But there are situations that merit exception. For example, I
certainly think it's right and proper, when the family is seated at
the dinner table, for parents to use "please" when asking a child to
pass the salt shaker. "It's time for you to pass the salt shaker" just
doesn't fit the occasion. In that instance, the parent uses good
manners (saying "please" and not reaching across the table) in order
to teach by example and cause the child to exhibit good manners in
return. Good manners is not the issue when giving an instruction such
as "pick up your toys."
So, I sorta kinda agree with you, and I sorta kinda agree with your
wife.
In so doing, I hope that I have contributed in some small way to a
long and happy marriage.
(end)
Lenona.