Re: Having more than one child - any regrets?
Ericka Kammerer
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
I would be surprised if anyone here said they
regretted having the number of children they have; however,
more than one survey has shown that a very high number of
people would either not have had kids or would have had
fewer kids if they could go back and do it all over again.
I think few people regret the children they have because
it is inconceivable to wish away a precious child. That's
separate from looking back and wondering whether you'd make
the decision to have another child if you knew then what you
know now. On the other hand, many people find that adding
children is a real blessing and wouldn't have it any other
way.
My personal opinion is that you have to have another
child because both parents really, really want one. It will
be quite a bit more work. Whether it's a lot more money
depends on your situation. In my opinion, babies aren't
all that expensive, especially when you've already got the
big things--and even more especially if you breastfeed
and perhaps cloth diaper. If you need daycare, that's a big
expense, of course. Where I found the expense jumped
significantly is when they were school-aged and getting
into activities. College is another biggie, of course.
As far as workload goes, I do think two are more
work in many ways. On the other hand, they do help entertain
each other. I think it still nets to more work, but I
like it better (if that makes any sense).
I don't think you can have children based on
some notion of how the children will get along. You can
never guarantee that. There is no number of children or
spacing that will guarantee a good sibling relationship.
Maybe they'll be great together and maybe they won't.
I don't think that having another child is *bad* for
the earlier child(ren) as long as the parents have the
wherewithall to care for them (physically, emotionally,
financially, etc.), but you don't get to know how much
of a positive it will be for them, so you can't really
base your decision on that. Some kids are thrilled at the
prospect of a sibling, and others aren't. Some claim to
be thrilled and then don't much like the reality.
Others claim to hate the idea and end up enthralled.
I don't think you can try to sway your partner too
much. I think it's important that both parents really be
interested. If one person is just humoring the other, I
think that's a bad situation. Children require too much
to shortchange them by having one parent who's not in it
all the way.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Sophie
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child?
I have 4 kids and no regrests.
>I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child,
Absolutely! Lots of my friends with only one complain about how hard he/she
is. I tell them that's cos they're everything to that child right now,
including playmate.
>but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
I found having 2 the hardest. Adding #3 and #4 was a piece of cake - they
just fit into what we're doing. The only thing I feel like I have more of
to do with 4 is laundry. Seriously. Personally I don't find more children
expensive cos we already had all the expensive stuff - crib, carseat,
stroller, highchair, etc...And yes, we've used all the same stuff for all 4
children.
We had ours close together - all planned - 16 months apart, 25 months apart,
2.5 yrs apart. I like the gaps cos all the kids were too young to be
jealous IME. #1 and #2 are buddies, #3 is waiting for #4 to be his (#4 is
only 3 months old).
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
We knew (hoped) from the get-go we'd have 4. I would have been very upset
had he not wanted 4. I could have lived with 3, but I really wanted 4.
*He'd* actually have more if he had more time and made more money (he's a
Marine and deploys a lot, like right now). I would *never* have a baby if
my husband wasn't 100% on board.
Good luck deciding :)
--
Sophie
mom of 4
Banty
>
>> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
>> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
>> regretted having more than one child?
>
>I have 4 kids and no regrests.
>
>>I would like honest opinions
>> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
>> child include providing companionship for the other child,
>
>Absolutely! Lots of my friends with only one complain about how hard he/she
>is. I tell them that's cos they're everything to that child right now,
>including playmate.
>
>>but I am
>> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
>> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
>> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
>> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
>
>I found having 2 the hardest. Adding #3 and #4 was a piece of cake - they
>just fit into what we're doing. The only thing I feel like I have more of
>to do with 4 is laundry. Seriously. Personally I don't find more children
>expensive cos we already had all the expensive stuff - crib, carseat,
>stroller, highchair, etc...And yes, we've used all the same stuff for all 4
>children.
That was my sister's experience (she had four within 6 years). The first can be
carried around and fit in. The second tied both parents down. Once she was in
multi-kid mode, going to 3 and then 4 just fit in.
As far as laundry, yes. But when they're teens, they'll do their own laundry,
but that won't make up for the thing that multiplies at that point -
*groceries*!
Banty
Sophie
news:cl0jj...@drn.newsguy.com...
Nice to see soeone else had it the same way. I think people think I'm lying
sometimes when I say 4's not that hard.
> As far as laundry, yes. But when they're teens, they'll do their own
laundry,
> but that won't make up for the thing that multiplies at that point -
> *groceries*!
>
> Banty
Oh and with 3 boys, I'm scared - lol.
Nikki
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child?
I have two, both planned, and we are very happy, no regrets.
I do know one couple that had an unplanned second baby and while they don't
regert the baby, and would never wish her away, would have only had the one
if their perfect life. It has been difficult emotionally coping with two,
and difficult for them financially.
Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third?
No I do not think so. It sort of depends on what you as a parent find
difficult. One child alone can go along on lots of more adult excursions
that would me more difficult to manage with two kids. They interact with
each other and can get more rambunctious. On the other hand, parents tend
to have to work harder to keep single children occupied.
>Is it also much more expensive?
If you use daycare and can be a lot more expensive. If you want to pay for
college - a lot more expensive.
Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
IME, yes.
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea?
I would never have another if my partner wasn't on board.
What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
I haven't had to figure that out yet ;-)
--
Nikki
KD
about whether or not to go for it a 3rd time. No regrets at all. With
the addition of #3 things are definately more hectic! And there's tons
of laundry! Grocery bill seems to be higher but it may be more that
I'm trying to rush through and pay less attention to what I throw in
the cart - #3 isn't eating grocery store food yet and #2 doesn't eat
much at all. ;-) My first two are great at keeping each other occupied
so that makes it easier. They get along really well (when dd isn't
teasing ds mercilessly :-) )
I didn't find the second was all that much more work actually, but #3
has really thrown the house into chaos. Maybe because #2 was such an
easy going, easy to care for baby. #3 is an easy going baby too, but
with the other two, on top of working full-time, it's overwhelming at
times. DH is very helpful (when I ask) and that helps a lot. Without
his help and support it would be 100 times more difficult.
I also expect the chaos to ease a bit once the baby is about 2yo. At
least then I'll have two hands to do things with rather than one hand,
and one armful of baby! I fully expected it to be chaotic for a couple
of years - those first several months just adjusting to the new baby,
and the next year and a half just because babies need a lot of
attention and care. They will need attention and care when they are
older too, but of a different sort.
That said, I'm the kind of person who loves to be busy. I don't mind
the chaos and constant running around (most of the time) because I
like to be up and about. DH is always telling me to just sit down -
you don't need to be doing something if you have 5 spare minutes -
it's a joke that I'm literally doing 6 things at once which often
results in burned cookies, forgotten steaming veggies (mush), and
messes! But I like the chaos (and DH tolerates it) so it works for us.
Hope some of this rambling helps!
Rosalie B.
>Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
>have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
>regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
>please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
No once I had one, the second one was NBD. The first one was the
hardest.
>child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
>worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
>involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
>second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
>appreciate other siblings at a young age?
Not really. In the beginning (depending on the age gap) they really
can't provide much companionship - that comes later on in life. And
if the child is older when the baby is born (like my #2 was 5 when #3
was born - and I didn't ask her whether she wanted a sibling BTW - she
said she did resent not being the baby anymore.
>What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
>partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
>and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
My partner didn't have to be persuaded. And I would not want to try
to persuade him about something like that.
grandma Rosalie
Lenny Fackler
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third?
Much more work. You'll look back and wonder why you ever thought
taking care of one child was difficult at all. Having one changes
your life completely and having another changes it completely again.
>Is it also much more expensive?
Not that much, but they're not applying to college yet.
>Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
You can teach them somewhat. I think they'll appreciate it when they
get a little older.
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
Not sure what you're getting at here. Your partner better be keen
because you're going to need alot of help.
H Schinske
>Nice to see soeone else had it the same way. I think people think I'm lying
>sometimes when I say 4's not that hard.
I don't think you're lying, but lots of it must be personality -- yours and
theirs. After all, having that many kids does mean a higher chance that at any
given time, *someone* is in a bad mood, or not feeling well, or bouncing off
the walls to a maddening extent, or developing a harmless but annoying habit,
or ... you get the idea. My kids are like herding cats. They're just *never*
all the same way at once.
--Helen
Mary Gordon
from a family of two kids, hubby is an only child. Who knew we would
elect to have what has become a bigger than average brood...and lord
knows, if I had started younger we might have had more.
The biggest impact to our lives was #1. #2 much less so, given that
our lives and home were already rearranged to meet the needs of a
child. The only real adjustment was getting used to not being able to
meet everyone's needs simultaneously 100% of the time (when you have
more than one, sometimes a kid has to wait for a while...which is not
necessarily a BAD thing). #3 was totally no biggie, and now I can see
how you could have 4, 5, 6 or more and handle it quite well. Having a
few kids has really improved our organizational skills in terms of how
we run the household. Hubbie and I have learned to row, bail and steer
the boat in unison. LOL! We could pretty much handle an army with the
same methods.
The expenses were increased, but it was incremental, given that we
already had chosen to live in a family type home and neighbourhood due
to #1. We chose in-home child care, so it didn't make much difference
if there was 1 kid or 3 in the house.
The kids totally love each other - which isn't to say they never
fight, but that they have very, very strong bonds with each other and
spend a lot of time playing with each other, helping each other.
Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
and dad. I really notice this with my kids when they are alone without
their sibs vs. when they have each other or other neighbourhood kids
over to play with . When they are bored and have no one to interact
with other than the adults in the house, they are bugging me every 3
seconds about every little thing possible. When they are busy playing
with someone, I hardly see them (i.e. they are in the basement
playroom and happy as clams to let Mummy do whatever).
My advice is to be careful not to harp on the subject of another kid.
Its okay if he knows you would like another, but if you make too big a
deal about it, he'll feel cornered and might dig his heels in.
Sometimes its really hard to see beyond the very high maintenance days
of babyhood and toddlerhood, where you don't necessarily get a lot of
ya-yas for all the work involved. Its hard to imagine that that little
black hole of time and energy is really going to evolve into a
sentient human being you can do things with and enjoy. Took my DH 2
years after #1 to embrace the idea of a second... and more than 3
years after #2 to want a third(the end spacing was 2 years 9 months
between #1 and #2, and 4 years between #2 and #3). During this time I
studiously kept my yap shut and fingers crossed that he would warm up
to the idea on his own...which he did, once he started seeing the kids
as funny, sweet, interesting individuals, rather than just a screaming
bundle who kept us up all night, sucked up all our money, and
prevented him from doing what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it,
including spending time with me!
Mary G.
H Schinske
>Its my observation that when kids have another kid to play with, they
>are much lower maintenance in terms of the demands they make on mom
>and dad.
See, with mine it's the exact opposite. When I've got only one of them around,
it's blissfully easy, because they haven't got anyone to fight with! But I
don't think they'd necessarily have been like that all the time if they hadn't
had siblings -- they're just grabbing a break.
--Helen
Sophie
"H Schinske" <hsch...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20041018141359...@mb-m07.aol.com...
True. They're all different but I like that. I like being busy too.
Marnie
As far as persuading a reluctant partner, a lot of people are saying if you
have to persuade someone, then don't. I don't think this is the case for
everyone.
My DH had to be "persuaded," but he needs to be persuaded towards almost
anything that's not the status quo, that might cost money (and we have
plenty) and/or that might reduce the amount of time on Saturdays he can
spend doing nothing but watching football. He's the type of person for whom
the initial reaction to change is a firm "no" and he always voices his
initial reaction.
So, yes, he requires persuasion. He requires persuasion to try a new
restaurant, to vacation other than to where he's vacationed for the past 15
years, to use butter instead of the margarine he grew up with, to open a
window and, yes, to add children to the family.
I should note that he had to persuade me to marry him, to build our house,
to see a chiropracter, to drive a minivan, to get cable modem, etc.
If someone is really against a plan, so be it. If someone just hasn't
thought about it and needs convincing, that's something else.
Persuasion, discussion, communication -- sometimes the lines blur.
--
Marnie
--
Nikki
Mine are quite a bit of work when they are together. They are much easier
individually ;-) I think this is a bit of an age thing and I hope it gets
better as they get older, lol. I have a hell of a time getting them out
from under my feet. You'd think with each other they would go play but they
don't. They pester and harass each other and me all the time. Alone, they
are still around but not pestering and getting a rise out of one another ;-)
When I have older kids around (7 and up) they do all go off and play
together and it is very nice. Or one will be off playing with the older kid
and the other doing something else - amazingly enough without me!!
--
Nikki
Sophie
news:ftmdnQ-7voz...@prairiewave.com...
I think how an only child is with a parent is not the same as a child with
sibs on their own with a parent. For a child with sibs it's a nice break
and they get the chance to be alone with that parent. For an only, that's
nothing new.
Donna Metler
On one hand, I have a lot of medical advise suggesting that this should be
my last pregnancy-given that I ended up delivering early because of severe
PE/HELLP in the first and that I've been borderline pre-eclamptic from 22
weeks on in the second, and the risk increases with age, it seems likely
that a third pregnancy would be, at best, a repeat of this one. Lots of
stress, lots of doctors appointments, lots of weeks on bedrest, only with a
preschooler at home. And I'm not sure it would be fair to a child at home
to have to deal with mommy on bedrest for months to have a baby-or the
possible loss of a brother or sister. So, it would make sense to go ahead
and get the tubal done with the C-section.
But, my husband and I have always planned on at least two children-and he's
more in favor of larger families than I am (he's the second of 4 children),
so I don't think either of us are completely ready to give up that hope of a
second child-and while adoption is an option, I know my husband, especially,
really is set on that biological link-and I know that while he's been really
trying not to show it, he's a little disappointed about this baby being a
girl instead of the son he wants (and lost last time).
So, do you follow your head, or follow your heart?
Ericka Kammerer
I think you wait until this baby is here and you adjust a
bit to life with baby. Then, think about your options in practical
terms. I think if you have another baby before this one is all
that old, I don't think there will be a huge impact with a possible
loss. I wouldn't worry about the unfairness of bedrest *if* you
were able to provide appropriate care. So, it would seem that
knowing the risks involved, you would want to know going in that
you had the help in place to care for your child and keep your
home on a reasonably even keel if you were on bedrest again.
The biggest thing I'd worry about is the risk to *you*.
I think she'll cope with Mommy on bedrest as long as there's someone
to take care of her and keep the household going, but coping with
losing Mommy is a much bigger problem. I don't know what the
risks are, and maybe they even depend on how the rest of this
pregnancy plays out. If the risks to yourself were significant,
that's the thing that I think you have an obligation to be cautious
about.
If the risks to you are acceptable, then after that it
boils down to how much unpleasantness you want to deal with and
whether you can muster up the help necessary to get through
another extended bedrest, should it happen.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Nevermind
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
As you can see, this is so individual. For me, #1 was a radical
life-changing experience, #2 was really no biggie, and 3# was hard as
hell. For one thing, #1 and 2 were planned, #3 was not. Also, my #2
was a very attached child who was happy as long as she was with me.
Didn't matter, really, what we did. My two oldest were 7 and 4 when #3
came along, and it was very hard to "go back" to life with baby --
even though I had always wanted more than 2 but had decided to stop at
2 for practical reasons. The difficulty of having #3 also had to do
with all the reasons we decided not to have a third: tight finances,
small house, mom already stretched as thin as feasible running a
micro-business from home with 2 kiddies there. Also, #3 is *extremely*
active (I have posted here about concerns about this) and therefore
very high maintenance (to stop her from killing herself or destroying
the property) and hard to take along except in 100% child-friendly
environments, which did not suit my way of being a SAHM, which was to
be out and about a lot, including doing stuff that was fun for *me*,
like art museums and coffee shops, which my older 2 did very well
with.
So, you see, this is all very individual. Are you hoping to travel
with your kid(s) a lot? Do you live in a very small home? Are you
working OH, or hoping to soon? Are you getting old, or can you wait a
few years and decide then? Etc.?
I personally feel siblings are a blessing, though I know that in some
families, they end up not being so. But for most, I do think it is a
great boon to have sibling(s). Some will not feel this way about each
other at every point in their childhoods, but I think most end up
feeling that way eventually, if only because (s)he ends up being
someone you can share taking care of aging parents with. But, again,
this will vary.
If you are *really* on the fence, I would not move forward with
getting pregnant. Best to really desire the baby. However, many of us
have "surprise" babies, and even those of us for whom this is very
hard, for whatever reason, usually end up being so glad. You can't
control everything when it comes to kids!
Donna
"Abi" <earlyco...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
news:7339a91f.04101...@posting.google.com...
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third?
I have two, and have no regrets, but I will say that I'm finding two to be
exponentially more work than just one was. It may be their ages (2 years
and 10 weeks), but I definitely find that I've no longer got the time to
lavish on each kid the way I did for my daughter when she was an only child.
That may not be a bad thing for the kids, mind you. :) Still, life with
two is a lot more pressured than life with only one. (Again, it may be the
ages of my kids, but that's my experience right now).
> Is it also much more expensive?
Well, yes and no. I'm not buying much for my little guy at all, but day
care will be twice as expensive, when both my husband and I are working.
College will be twice as expensive, sports teams, summer camp, etc. But
everything but food, shelter, day care and college is discretionary
spending.
> Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
That's purely individual. My daughter loves her little brother right now,
but that may or may not be the case when he's teething on her barbies. :)
You can't predict whether kids are going to like each other.
>What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
See, I would never do this. It sounds like a recipe for severely stressing
one's marriage. Kids put enormous pressure on the most solid of marriages,
I can't imagine how much more stressful it would be if one partner had not
wanted the new baby to begin with.
Kind regards,
Donna
Clisby
Abi wrote:
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please!
I have 2, and haven't regretted it at all. However, mine are 5.5 years
apart, and I'd be willing to bet that made adding #2 a whole lot easier
than if I had ended up with a toddler and a baby.
I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it.
We had the 2nd because we wanted 2, not to provide companionship for our
first child. Given the age difference, it'll probably be quite some
time before they could really be "companions."
Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
I didn't think adding a 2nd was much extra work, but again - I'm sure
the age gap had a lot to do with that. By the time #2 was born, #1 was
pretty self-sufficient. As far as appreciating other siblings: my
little one adores his big sister. She appreciates him sort of like
she'd appreciate a puppy.
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
I wouldn't even consider having a child if my husband wasn't 100% behind
the idea, too.
Clisby
Irrational Number
> What do you do if you're not sure?
>
> On one hand, I have a lot of medical advise suggesting that this should be
> my last pregnancy-given that I ended up delivering early because of severe
> PE/HELLP in the first and that I've been borderline pre-eclamptic from 22
> weeks on in the second [...]
Not the same problems, but this current pregnancy
(second one) will be my last. For my physical and
mental health, this is it.
> , and the risk increases with age, it seems likely
> that a third pregnancy would be, at best, a repeat of this one. Lots of
> stress, lots of doctors appointments, lots of weeks on bedrest, only with a
> preschooler at home. And I'm not sure it would be fair to a child at home
> to have to deal with mommy on bedrest for months to have a baby
Well, that will happen to us. My obgyn has already
stated I shall be put on bed rest. My goal is to delay
that until the third trimester, and Pillbug will be about
19 months old then. I don't think of it as "fair" or not;
it's not really the Pillbug's decision whether or how I
have another child.
> [...] I don't think either of us are completely ready to give up that hope of
> a
> second child-and while adoption is an option, I know my husband, especially,
> really is set on that biological link-and I know that while he's been really
> trying not to show it, he's a little disappointed about this baby being a
> girl instead of the son he wants (and lost last time).
Oh, just wait 'til he holds her in his arms!! She'll
own his heart in no time!
> So, do you follow your head, or follow your heart?
If I want a third, we will adopt. DH and I have discussed
this in detail and it's basically set. We'll see how we
feel after having two in the house...
-- Anita --
jojo
another one, and I don't.
Other couples in our play group have 2 or more. One is at playgroup while
the other is at soccer practice.
We decided not to live that way. We are not very well off, and feel we can
give more financially to one child.
We also feel that we don't want to be split up all the time. We adore and
enjoy doing everything together as a family of 3.
Now, if I were 10 or 15 years younger, I can say that my opinion might be
different, but I can only go with what I know.
Luck to you,
jojo
"Abi" <earlyco...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
news:7339a91f.04101...@posting.google.com...
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
Karen Ray-Stewart
"Abi" <earlyco...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
news:7339a91f.04101...@posting.google.com...
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> regretted having more than one child?
Only when they fight..when they play good together..I wish I would have
had that as a kid myself..I was an only child
I would like honest opinions
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> second or third?
Not much harder work..just more work..I found that my DD was helpful when
DS was a baby..she would get diapers..entertain him..... she enjoyed him to.
And if you are a stay at home mother... it's good to have a couple
together... they grow up closer.
Is it also much more expensive?
Not really..baby clothes are not to bad.. you can usually use the same
ones..you hav to go through diapers, formula.... all that again... but
they are as expensive as the first one... after they get old enough to not
be able to wear hand me downs unless they are the same gender... then it
stays cheap for a while.
Do children
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
Yes.... some do..some don't ..my DD did. She loved helping with the baby
( she was around 2 when he was born)
> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
> partner wasn't too keen on the idea?
We had said we wanted more then one as we were both only children frowing
up and both hated it..we were both loners and still klind of are today. I
don't think it is something you can do if you don't agree on it. I mean it
can just happen ut it is better if you both want it and have good reasons
for wanting and not wanting another child. Discuss openly your ideas and
feelings about it.
What did you do to persuade him
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby? can't answer this as
it doesn't apply...but I can say that right now my kids are both in school
( one only ever other day) and I am looking forward to finding work out of
the house soon. If it happend we would both be ok with it..but it would be
a financial downfall for us as we are in the position where I need to be
helping with the bills now.... and I would like to have money of my
own..that I earned.
Karen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pete
"Abi" <earlyco...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
news:7339a91f.04101...@posting.google.com...
> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
Anyone that tells you that having 2 is anything like having one is lying!!
We had another DD when DS was 3. It was a total nightmare ( and still is) I
look at my buddy who has an only child of 5 and am green with envy. No
screaming and arguing at his house. When his DS is in bed or at grandmas,
that's it "time off". When my DD is at grandmas we still have DD and visa
versa. Twice the Christmas gifts, double the saving for college, Quadruple
the time and stress.
My wife was the one who wanted another. I was more than happy with one. (I
am an only and LOVED it) Would I turn the clock back? ..hell no! I love my
DD to pieces, but I would advise anyone to think VERY carefully about a 2nd
child, it is a whole new ball game and MORE than double the work and stress.
The sibling rivalry almost breaks my heart at times. The way DS looks at me
sometimes when I am holding DD is a killer. Life is certainly a lot more
noisy and stressful at home with 2 that I remember growing up as an only. We
WILL NOT be having anymore!!! LOL
1 is stressful
2 is VERY stressful
anyone who has 3 or more MUST be crazy or totally selfless and enjoy having
NO life of thier own.
Pete
"Sophie" <Sop...@fakeaddress.com> wrote in message
news:10n7ni3...@corp.supernews.com...
> Nice to see soeone else had it the same way. I think people think I'm
> lying
> sometimes when I say 4's not that hard.
You are lying. ONE is hard.
Denise Anderson
"Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> 1 is stressful
> 2 is VERY stressful
> anyone who has 3 or more MUST be crazy or totally selfless and enjoy
> having NO life of thier own.
>
I think you're a troll but here's my response. 1 is stressful if you make
it stressful. If you already get stressed out with 1, then yes, 2 will be
very stressful. But the amount of stress doesn't increase exponentially
with each child you have. For me having 2 kids meant child 1 had someone to
entertain her for a while, so I wasn't her sole playmate all day. After 2
adding another was no big deal, she just fit into the routine, and with 4,
we hardly notice a difference. There's not much more noise than I had with
2 and there's definitly no more stress, especially now that 2 of them are in
school at least half the day. I have plenty of hobbies outside of my
children and last time I checked, I wasn't crazy.
Denise
Nan
scribbled:
Hmmm..... I wonder if this is the same "Pete".
Anyway, I never found ONE hard at all, not even when I was a single
mom.
Nan
Pete
"Nan" <nl...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:j37dn01sko76u72li...@4ax.com...
We must be wired differently. Being a single parent for me would be too
tough. I am glad I am the one who goes out to work all day. My wife just got
a part time job (kids are 8 and 5 now) and I find it tough having to do
laundry and help with the housework more as my wife is at work till 3 every
day. When I come home from work I want to rest, but in between kids
activities, dinner, housework I don't get to sit down till 9pm and I am
bushed.
I never seem to have any time to do anything thesedays. I go to my buddies
once a week to play playstation, but that's it.
Pete
"Denise Anderson" <ander...@nospam.net> wrote in message
news:d0xdd.3606$7d7.3276@trnddc04...
What kind of hobbies do u have outside your kids? I get to play playstaion
with my buddies once a week. That is IT. The rest of the week I am in bed by
10pm and don't even ask about the weekend. I seem to spend it all washing
the car, fixing stuff or shopping. Do you work at all??? I work full time
including saturdays. I hardly have time to blink.
Nan
scribbled:
>We must be wired differently. Being a single parent for me would be too
>tough. I am glad I am the one who goes out to work all day. My wife just got
>a part time job (kids are 8 and 5 now) and I find it tough having to do
>laundry and help with the housework more as my wife is at work till 3 every
>day. When I come home from work I want to rest, but in between kids
>activities, dinner, housework I don't get to sit down till 9pm and I am
>bushed.
IME, it's only hard if you *make* it hard. As a single mom I was
certainly more busy, but I didn't find it hard. I've found it more
difficult with a partner, truth be told. That's an additional person
to consider or take care of. When I was single, it was just me and my
ds.
>I never seem to have any time to do anything thesedays. I go to my buddies
>once a week to play playstation, but that's it.
You get a lot more than my dh gets. Also IME, it seems when someone
has difficulty caring for their kids, they tend to expect more for
themselves than is feasible or realistic.
But at least you're not accusing anyone of lying because they don't
find it as hard as you do.
Nan
Denise Anderson
>
> What kind of hobbies do u have outside your kids? I get to play playstaion
> with my buddies once a week. That is IT. The rest of the week I am in bed
> by 10pm and don't even ask about the weekend. I seem to spend it all
> washing the car, fixing stuff or shopping. Do you work at all??? I work
> full time including saturdays. I hardly have time to blink.
>
I worked up until a couple months ago. I'm going back to school next
semester. I play paintball at least 2 weekends a month. I moderate an
online paintball forum. I play computer games. My husband and I definitely
find time to play playstation games whenever we feel like it... I bike, I
walk, I find time to work out. 80% of the time I'm a single parent because
my husband is deployed and I *still* have time to do what I want to do, I
did even when I worked full time, and we have 4 children. Its only as
stressful as *you* make it. As a single mom with 1 child, I found time to
work and go to school full time, and I did ok.
Denise
Welches
Debbie
Ericka Kammerer
> What kind of hobbies do u have outside your kids? I get to play playstaion
> with my buddies once a week. That is IT. The rest of the week I am in bed by
> 10pm and don't even ask about the weekend. I seem to spend it all washing
> the car, fixing stuff or shopping. Do you work at all??? I work full time
> including saturdays. I hardly have time to blink.
Hmmm...let's see...I have three kids (9, 7, and 15 months). I
work anywhere from 20-30 hours a week (mostly telecommuting, no
childcare other than occasional babysitters). I chair a preschool
committee. I do most of the organizing for our neighborhood playgroup
(including getting out to Mom's Night Out once a month). I'm active
in my church. I schlep my kids around to quite a few activities (two in
dance 2xweek each plus performances, one in soccer 3xweek, one in soccer
2xweek, two in chess 1xweek, 1 in piano 1xweek plus performances). I
help out at their school on occasion and do most of the household
management stuff and my share of the cleaning and other household
chores. I still have time to go out with friends, family, and husband
and I still have time for hobbies (mostly stitching and reading and
music).
I am tired sometimes, especially with a baby who still
interrupts my sleep or when work puts in more demands than usual.
Right now is one of those times and I'm not getting as much "me time"
as usual. But it'll pass and things will get on a more even keel
again. And even when I'm not getting as much time as usual, I'm
still getting out some (went out to Mom's Night Out last night,
in fact, and DH and I are going away for the weekend this weekend
sans kids). Life is busy, sure, but a lot of what we do is
discretionary. The kids certainly wouldn't have to have all those
activities. I wouldn't have to work. I wouldn't have to be
involved in the community. We choose those things because we
think they're worthwhile, even if they make us busier. We still
have family time and eat dinner together every night (except for
Fridays, when we each take one of the older two out separately
for some one-on-one time). If we cut out the discretionary stuff,
I can't imagine being totally harried despite having three kids.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Banty
Well, here's my theory, and I've seen more than one case to bear it out:
If both parents are active in childrearing for young kids, then 1 feels like 2,
alhtough going to 3 is a change (as one dad put it: "we had to go to zone
defense"). So the big change is going to kid-mode for number one.
If the mom (usually) was pretty much the one who did most of the interaction for
the first child, the second is a big change. Because then *she* goes to "zone
defense", but its Dad that starts really dealing with babies/little kids for the
first time.
That you weren't so much into the second kid, and liked your quite life as an
only (I'm not knocking that At All - *my* only loves being an only!), fits into
this.
Banty
Banty
Banty
Welcome to parenthood. Sorry it cramps your style.
Banty
Banty
You need to avail yourself of automatic car washes and handymen. And you need
to sit down with your wife, list out chores and resonsibilities, and divide
them. And choose certain ones to hire out.
Two parent families with two kids normally manage their hobbies and other
interests just fine. It isn't like pre-marriage pre-kids, but it isn't a life
of drudgery either.
Unless you have some special difficulty, such as a special needs child, you're
either managing things poorly or holding on to unrealistic expectations.
Banty
Banty
Pete
> On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 18:54:50 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
> scribbled:
>
>>We must be wired differently. Being a single parent for me would be too
>>tough. I am glad I am the one who goes out to work all day. My wife just
>>got
>>a part time job (kids are 8 and 5 now) and I find it tough having to do
>>laundry and help with the housework more as my wife is at work till 3
>>every
>>day. When I come home from work I want to rest, but in between kids
>>activities, dinner, housework I don't get to sit down till 9pm and I am
>>bushed.
>
> IME, it's only hard if you *make* it hard. As a single mom I was
> certainly more busy, but I didn't find it hard. I've found it more
> difficult with a partner, truth be told. That's an additional person
> to consider or take care of. When I was single, it was just me and my
> ds.
>
>>I never seem to have any time to do anything thesedays. I go to my buddies
>>once a week to play playstation, but that's it.
>
> You get a lot more than my dh gets.
How does your DH cope with that then?? He doesn't get ONE night out a week
with the boys? How often do you go on dates? How do you have any fun in your
life if it is all work, kids and chores?
I need me time, so does my wife. Probably why we find it more difficult than
some as we don't get enough.
Also IME, it seems when someone
> has difficulty caring for their kids, they tend to expect more for
> themselves than is feasible or realistic.
How much "me" time IS realistic with 2 kids? 1 night per week - I am not
asking much. In an ideal world I`d like 2 nights with my wife, 2 with my
buddies and 3 for family. But my kids will be grown before i get that again!
:-)
Pete
"Banty" <Banty_...@newsguy.com> wrote in message
news:cl6c2...@drn.newsguy.com...
Cramps my style? LOL I am not out partying till 3am, I am home by 11!! Jeez
is a few hours a week too much to ask?
Pete
I cant afford to hire out chores. You may live in your big castle where
your bank balance is always full, but I don't. I work 6 days a week, my wife
works 5. We haven't been on holiday for 7 years. We have one car (wife cant
drive we cant afford lessons) Sure we don't starve, bills are paid, we have
no debt, kids aren't wearing rags, Christmas is manageable, but there are
very few luxuries. Handymen?? You live on a different planet.
Ericka Kammerer
> How much "me" time IS realistic with 2 kids? 1 night per week - I am not
> asking much. In an ideal world I`d like 2 nights with my wife, 2 with my
> buddies and 3 for family.
When you say "night" do you mean the time between coming home
from work and going to bed? If you mean that much, then I think that
expectation would be way out of line.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Sara
"Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> I cant afford to hire out chores. You may live in your big castle where
> your bank balance is always full, but I don't. I work 6 days a week, my wife
> works 5. We haven't been on holiday for 7 years. We have one car (wife cant
> drive we cant afford lessons) Sure we don't starve, bills are paid, we have
> no debt, kids aren't wearing rags, Christmas is manageable, but there are
> very few luxuries. Handymen?? You live on a different planet.
>
But have you considered letting your 8-year-old pour his own juice in
the mornings?
--
Sara,
accompanied by her traveling companion
Pete
"Ericka Kammerer" <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:srKdndOBxdV...@comcast.com...
Yeah, I mean 6pm till 11pm. That was in an ideal world! I only get one night
per week (Go straight to buddies house from work, pizza, playstation, beer,
usually home between 11-12, about once every 6 months we have an "all
nighter" and I come home at 12pm the next afternoon) My wife doesnt get out
as often as most of her friends have kids and the husbands dont like the
wives going out so much. Which is a shame. She goes about about 1 night a
month with an old, single school friend and stays out all night, so that
makes me feel a little less guilty.
My wife is really interested in this thread too!!
Denise Anderson
"Sara" <que_sara_sara@hotmail.c> wrote in message
> But have you considered letting your 8-year-old pour his own juice in
> the mornings?
>
Funny he doesn't age, no?
Denise
Pete
"Sara" <que_sara_sara@hotmail.c> wrote in message
How the hell would that help my financial situation?
toto
wrote:
>The sibling rivalry almost breaks my heart at times.
>The way DS looks at me sometimes when I am holding
>DD is a killer. Life is certainly a lot more noisy and
>stressful at home with 2 that I remember growing up
>as an only.
Sibling rivalry *is* hard, but you can tone it down if you
change *your* reactions and how you speak to your
children.
Try reading Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish. It's a very good book and can help
you find things that work for your family.
If you like it, you might want their other books as well
How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids
Will Talk is very good.
--
Dorothy
There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
The Outer Limits
toto
wrote:
>We have one car (wife cant drive we cant afford lessons)
You can't teach her? Or if it's too much for you, can't you
ask one of your buddies or her girl friends to teach her?
toto
LOL. But wasn't he an only?
Pete
"toto" <scar...@wicked.witch> wrote in message
news:rkhdn01svs6g5ultp...@4ax.com...
> On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 20:36:05 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>>We have one car (wife cant drive we cant afford lessons)
>
> You can't teach her? Or if it's too much for you, can't you
> ask one of your buddies or her girl friends to teach her?
I need the car for work (7am - 6pm Mon - Sat) so it wouldnt be much use to
her anyway even if she could drive. Besides, who is going to have the kids
whilst I teach her to drive 2 nights a week?
Pete
"toto" <scar...@wicked.witch> wrote in message
> On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 19:54:56 GMT, "Denise Anderson"
> <ander...@nospam.net> wrote:
>
>>
>>"Sara" <que_sara_sara@hotmail.c> wrote in message
>>> But have you considered letting your 8-year-old pour his own juice in
>>> the mornings?
>>>
>>
>>
>>Funny he doesn't age, no?
>>
>>Denise
>>
> LOL. But wasn't he an only?
>
Yes I am an only.
Circe
> How does your DH cope with that then?? He doesn't get ONE night out
> a week with the boys?
My husband certainly doesn't "go out with boys" on a weekly basis. Last
night, he went out with some friends after a planning committee meeting that
he had to go to and didn't get home until after 10pm, but that's a rare
occurrence. The thing is, he copes with it fine because he doesn't WANT to
"go out with the boys" on a regular basis. He spends enough time away from
us between his commute to his office and being at the office all day. He'd
RATHER come home and be with his wife and kids.
Now, I'm not saying it makes you a bad husband or father that you'd like to
spend one night per week with your buddies, but do recognize that not ALL
men (or women) feel that need and that some folks are just homebodies and
get their relaxation and emotional sustenance from the time they spend with
their families. My husband and I definitely fall into that category, which
is probably one of the reasons that having three kids doesn't seem like a
horrendous amount of work to us.
> How often do you go on dates?
Hey, there, fella, I'm married. I *never* go out on dates <g>!
I know what you're asking, though. You know, my husband and I don't go out
very often without the kids--maybe once every couple of months. We used to
eat lunch together almost every day (that was when I worked in the office
instead of at home as I do now), and I definitely miss that. But by and
large, we feel we have pretty ample time as a couple without going out
without the kids.
> How do you have
> any fun in your life if it is all work, kids and chores?
>
Well, I guess it depends on what you think is "fun". We think that doing
stuff with and for our kids *is* fun! My husband is my son's soccer coach
and Cub Scout den leader. I think he thinks that's "fun", but for you, that
might qualify only as "kids" (or work, or both!). That's cool; it's not for
everyone and I'd never suggest that it is. I'm going to be starting as my
daughter's girl scout leader soon, and I expect I'll think that's fun
(though also work!). On weekends, we usually go out together on a family
outing. Sometimes, it's a bike ride or a visit to a museum or something like
that. Other times, it's something a little different--like last weekend we
went out to a farm to buy our Halloween pumpkins. We go out to dinner as a
family fairly frequently. We have a swimming pool we spend a lot of time in
during the late spring and early summer months. We do *lots* of things that
*I* think are fun; it's just that they usually tend to include the kids!
> I need me time, so does my wife. Probably why we find it more
> difficult than some as we don't get enough.
>
I absolutely think this is the case. For those who really need their
personal time and space, parenting can be a pretty tough slog. That said,
I'd never have thought I'd have as *little* need for personal time and space
as I do now that I have kids. I wonder to what extent that's because my
husband and I waited more than seven years after we got married to have our
first child and therefore had lots of both "me" and "together" time before
we embarked on the whole parenting thing.
>> Also IME, it seems when someone
>> has difficulty caring for their kids, they tend to expect more for
>> themselves than is feasible or realistic.
>
> How much "me" time IS realistic with 2 kids? 1 night per week - I
> am not asking much. In an ideal world I`d like 2 nights with my
> wife, 2 with my buddies and 3 for family.
I don't think you're asking for too much FOR YOU. One night per week is
pretty reasonable when you have kids. I will say that I wouldn't want to
marry a guy who felt he had that much need to spend time with his buddies
and without me, but as long as your wife is cool with it, more power to ya!
> But my kids will be grown before i get that again! :-)
Nah! By the time your youngest reaches the teen years, you'll discover that
not only do you have more time to hang with your buddies, your kids have
*much* less time (and interest) in hanging with you and you might have
trouble getting the 3 nights with your family that matches your ideal <g>!
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 5), and the Rising Son (Julian, 7)
"Bush didn't pee his pants or kill anyone, so my guess is that people will
say [the third debate] was a tie."--Jessi Klein
(http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/blog/10/13/klein.blog/index.html)
All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman
Circe
> It wasn't humorous hyperbole.
>
Banty
Heh. I'm a single mother of one living in a 1500 ft. ranch, but whatever ;-)
There still has to be some things you can do to manage things better. As far as
hiring certain things out, consider the large value you obviously put on your
time vs. what else you might scrimp on. And there has to be other potential in
your days/evenings. If your seventh day is chore-filled, take a close look at
those chores. And look honestly. There may be a lot of vegging in front of the
telly that can be converted to more fun things.
Since you say "on holiday", I do think I live in a different *country*.
Cheers,
Banty
Circe
> Since you say "on holiday", I do think I live in a different
> *country*.
Sounding more and more like "Ian", I think.
Circe
I believe.
Ericka Kammerer
I'd be unhappy if my husband was out once a week like that.
I think once you have kids, you have to work your pursuits around
the needs of the family. With kids, I think the critical hours
are largely 4-8pm (after school, dinner, and bedtime). I think
parents should be around for that as much as possible and that
families should have dinner together as much as possible. Someone
who goes out straight from work on a regular basis without even a
token family stop just wouldn't meet my idea of what's appropriate.
(Obviously, not everyone would agree, and not everyone has the
option to be together as a family every night either. Just my personal
opinion for situations where it is possible.) Instead, if my husband
wants to go out with his friends, he usually goes after dinner so that
he can spend some time with his kids first. Same with me. When we go
out together, we usually schedule a late dinner or a late movie so that
we spend time as a family first and we leave at or after bedtime. We'll
each sometimes take time during the weekend, but in a way that doesn't
wipe out the entire day for the rest of the family. You could probably
manage two nights a week if you went out *after* the kids' bedtime.
Same with your wife. You still get your time, just in smaller chunks.
To me, that doesn't seem too high a price to pay.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Banty
Is this a case of deja vu all over again??
Banty (I don't feel like googling.....)
Nan
scribbled:
Hehe, you just saved me from responding to your other post <G>
Nan
Banty
Your buddies.
Then when you're done, open a driving school. Set your own hours.
Banty
Banty
>
>Banty wrote:
>> Since you say "on holiday", I do think I live in a different
>> *country*.
>
>Sounding more and more like "Ian", I think.
Yup.
Banty
Banty
>
>Denise Anderson wrote:
>> "Sara" <que_sara_sara@hotmail.c> wrote in message
>>> But have you considered letting your 8-year-old pour his own juice
>>> in the mornings?
>>>
>> Funny he doesn't age, no?
>>
>Actually, I think he's gotten younger. The poster in that thread had a 9yo,
>I believe.
Well, have some sympathy, then. Obviously he has a special-needs kid..
Banty
Nan
scribbled:
>
>"Nan" <nl...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
>news:k49dn0tdjttcppd92...@4ax.com...
>> On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 18:54:50 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
>> scribbled:
>>
>>>We must be wired differently. Being a single parent for me would be too
>>>tough. I am glad I am the one who goes out to work all day. My wife just
>>>got
>>>a part time job (kids are 8 and 5 now) and I find it tough having to do
>>>laundry and help with the housework more as my wife is at work till 3
>>>every
>>>day. When I come home from work I want to rest, but in between kids
>>>activities, dinner, housework I don't get to sit down till 9pm and I am
>>>bushed.
>>
>> IME, it's only hard if you *make* it hard. As a single mom I was
>> certainly more busy, but I didn't find it hard. I've found it more
>> difficult with a partner, truth be told. That's an additional person
>> to consider or take care of. When I was single, it was just me and my
>> ds.
>>
>>>I never seem to have any time to do anything thesedays. I go to my buddies
>>>once a week to play playstation, but that's it.
>>
>> You get a lot more than my dh gets.
>
>How does your DH cope with that then??
Just fine, obviously.
> He doesn't get ONE night out a week
>with the boys?
No. He might go to his friend's house once every couple of months and
play Xbox, poker, or darts (or all 3). Since my second daughter's
birth on March 31, he's done this *once*.
He knows I wouldn't put up with him going out for hours on end once a
week. He's free to go to his (unmarried, I should mention) friend's
house more often, but he chooses not to.
>How often do you go on dates?
We have Saturday night movie night at home.
>How do you have any fun in your
>life if it is all work, kids and chores?
Well, I'll not be working any longer in a week, but I always
considered my job fun. It got me out of the house, and adult
interaction. When you say "life is all work, kids and chores" you
make it sound like a prison sentence. It may seem that way for you,
but not for us. We're also in our early 40s so we may be seeing life
differently than you.
>I need me time, so does my wife. Probably why we find it more difficult than
>some as we don't get enough.
We both get me time. It just doesn't happen to consist of needing to
go out, or running around to get that.
>Also IME, it seems when someone
>> has difficulty caring for their kids, they tend to expect more for
>> themselves than is feasible or realistic.
>
>
>How much "me" time IS realistic with 2 kids? 1 night per week - I am not
>asking much. In an ideal world I`d like 2 nights with my wife, 2 with my
>buddies and 3 for family. But my kids will be grown before i get that again!
>:-)
If you wanted one night a week with me, you and I wouldn't be together
very long. My ex-dh wanted to go out every week. Note, we're no
longer married.
IMO, when you choose to have a family, the rules change. You don't
get the luxury of only committing your time to your family 3 days a
week.
Nan
Nan
scribbled:
>Cramps my style? LOL I am not out partying till 3am, I am home by 11!! Jeez
>is a few hours a week too much to ask?
Obviously your wife is okay with it. I wouldn't be.
Nan
Welches
in uk newsgroup and hasn't (yet).
We seem to have also had more than one of the "I want a second child but my
#1 doesn't want me to" sort of posts that I did wonder whether he was
rearing his head again?
Debbie
Welches
Also I notice he wants 2 nights with his wife, 2 nights for himself (which
means his wife dealing with kids entirely on his own) and 3 nights for
family (all staying in), which means his wife gets no time to herself.
Debbie
Nan
>I cant afford to hire out chores. You may live in your big castle where
>your bank balance is always full, but I don't. I work 6 days a week, my wife
>works 5. We haven't been on holiday for 7 years. We have one car (wife cant
>drive we cant afford lessons) Sure we don't starve, bills are paid, we have
>no debt, kids aren't wearing rags, Christmas is manageable, but there are
>very few luxuries. Handymen?? You live on a different planet.
Uhm, we hardly live in a castle, but we have a neighborhood kid that
mows our lawn in the summer, rakes/bags our leaves in the fall, and
will shovel snow in the winter. One hardly needs a massive bank
balance to afford this.
Nan
Nan
scribbled:
I wonder.... but Ian did post to alt.support.marriage that his gf
finally left him.
Best thing she's ever done, imo.
Aley
having a family is a big joy for me and a challenge to raise good
citizens.
Nan
Recant! Here I'm thinking of the one who wanted kids and his fiancee
didn't.
Carry on ;-)
Nan
Nan
scribbled:
>
>"toto" <scar...@wicked.witch> wrote in message
>news:rkhdn01svs6g5ultp...@4ax.com...
>> On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 20:36:05 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>>>We have one car (wife cant drive we cant afford lessons)
>>
>> You can't teach her? Or if it's too much for you, can't you
>> ask one of your buddies or her girl friends to teach her?
>
>I need the car for work (7am - 6pm Mon - Sat) so it wouldnt be much use to
>her anyway even if she could drive.
Bull. She could take you to work and have the car for the day.
>Besides, who is going to have the kids
>whilst I teach her to drive 2 nights a week?
Friends?? Family??
Nan
Denise Anderson
I learned how to drive with my sister in the car.
Denise
Jan Silbermann
Ericka Kammerer <e...@comcast.net> wrote:
>Pete wrote:
>> What kind of hobbies do u have outside your kids? I get to play playstaion
>> with my buddies once a week. That is IT. The rest of the week I am in bed by
>
>work anywhere from 20-30 hours a week (mostly telecommuting, no
Wonderful answers so far. I have enjoyed reading them.
Five kids here. I work 43 hours a week at a job I love (I am a
teacher- I must really like kids). I exercise two hours a day,
read, sing, run a Yahoo group for parents of kids with
Infantile Spasms, am setting up a foundation, go to my women's
study group.
Nevermind
> Well, here's my theory, and I've seen more than one case to bear it out:
>
> If both parents are active in childrearing for young kids, then 1 feels like 2,
> alhtough going to 3 is a change (as one dad put it: "we had to go to zone
> defense"). So the big change is going to kid-mode for number one.
>
> If the mom (usually) was pretty much the one who did most of the interaction for
> the first child, the second is a big change. Because then *she* goes to "zone
> defense", but its Dad that starts really dealing with babies/little kids for the
> first time.
Oh, I think you're definitely onto something here. I know that in my
household, once I had my first, I was already devoting most of my
waking, non-paying-work hours to the baby, one way or another. Not
quite so with DH. When we had 2, he had to do a lot more. Now that we
have 3, we're truly partners at last. : %
> That you weren't so much into the second kid, and liked your quite life as an
> only (I'm not knocking that At All - *my* only loves being an only!), fits into
> this.
>
> Banty
toto
A babysitter? They aren't toddlers.
--
Dorothy
There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
The Outer Limits
toto
wrote:
Yes, but I meant your kid. Don't you have 2 kids now?
toto
Hey. I live in a castle.. <g>
>Nan
Nan
scribbled:
>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:55:42 -0500, Nan <nl...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 20:36:05 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
>>scribbled:
>>
>>>I cant afford to hire out chores. You may live in your big castle where
>>>your bank balance is always full, but I don't. I work 6 days a week, my wife
>>>works 5. We haven't been on holiday for 7 years. We have one car (wife cant
>>>drive we cant afford lessons) Sure we don't starve, bills are paid, we have
>>>no debt, kids aren't wearing rags, Christmas is manageable, but there are
>>>very few luxuries. Handymen?? You live on a different planet.
>>
>>Uhm, we hardly live in a castle, but we have a neighborhood kid that
>>mows our lawn in the summer, rakes/bags our leaves in the fall, and
>>will shovel snow in the winter. One hardly needs a massive bank
>>balance to afford this.
>>
>Hey. I live in a castle.. <g>
Yeah, you and that Banty person. Go on with yourselves and live in
those castles. We peasants don't care <EG>
Nan
toto
Ya mean you aren't coming to visit me in Oz?
Nan
scribbled:
>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:57:16 -0500, Nan <nl...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 21:58:14 -0500, toto <scar...@wicked.witch>
>>scribbled:
>>
>>>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 16:55:42 -0500, Nan <nl...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>>On Wed, 20 Oct 2004 20:36:05 +0100, "Pete" <pete19...@hotmail.com>
>>>>scribbled:
>>>>
>>>>>I cant afford to hire out chores. You may live in your big castle where
>>>>>your bank balance is always full, but I don't. I work 6 days a week, my wife
>>>>>works 5. We haven't been on holiday for 7 years. We have one car (wife cant
>>>>>drive we cant afford lessons) Sure we don't starve, bills are paid, we have
>>>>>no debt, kids aren't wearing rags, Christmas is manageable, but there are
>>>>>very few luxuries. Handymen?? You live on a different planet.
>>>>
>>>>Uhm, we hardly live in a castle, but we have a neighborhood kid that
>>>>mows our lawn in the summer, rakes/bags our leaves in the fall, and
>>>>will shovel snow in the winter. One hardly needs a massive bank
>>>>balance to afford this.
>>>>
>>>Hey. I live in a castle.. <g>
>>
>>Yeah, you and that Banty person. Go on with yourselves and live in
>>those castles. We peasants don't care <EG>
>>
>Ya mean you aren't coming to visit me in Oz?
Only if I can take whatever it is that makes one see that horse of all
those purty colors ;-)
Nan
Donna
"Nevermind" <ohgos...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:8718f4ed.04102...@posting.google.com...
> Banty <Banty_...@newsguy.com> wrote
>
>> Well, here's my theory, and I've seen more than one case to bear it out:
>>
>> If both parents are active in childrearing for young kids, then 1 feels
>> like 2,
>> alhtough going to 3 is a change (as one dad put it: "we had to go to
>> zone
>> defense"). So the big change is going to kid-mode for number one.
>>
>> If the mom (usually) was pretty much the one who did most of the
>> interaction for
>> the first child, the second is a big change. Because then *she* goes to
>> "zone
>> defense", but its Dad that starts really dealing with babies/little kids
>> for the
>> first time.
>
> Oh, I think you're definitely onto something here. I know that in my
> household, once I had my first, I was already devoting most of my
> waking, non-paying-work hours to the baby, one way or another. Not
> quite so with DH. When we had 2, he had to do a lot more. Now that we
> have 3, we're truly partners at last. : %
I have to agree. With only one child, I did most of the tending, but with
two, DH has taken on a nearly equal role in childrearing. (now if I could
only get him to nurse.... )
I imagine this may be what the OP is experiencing.
Donna
Banty
Well, *I* evicted Scrooge McDuck and live in his mansion.
Banty
Banty
Yep.
Too often here and in IRL I hear the *dad* saying that one was 'not bad' but
going to two which is haaard, while his wife is saying the first was a big
change. It turns out IRL that he perceived two as hard because that's when he
got involved because then it was really necessary.
Banty
Ericka Kammerer
> Too often here and in IRL I hear the *dad* saying that one was 'not bad' but
> going to two which is haaard, while his wife is saying the first was a big
> change. It turns out IRL that he perceived two as hard because that's when he
> got involved because then it was really necessary.
Perhaps those who found going from 1-2 harder than 0-1 were
those who had more equal parenting from the start.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Rosie
> LOL I am not out partying till 3am, I am home by 11!! Jeez is a few hours
> a week too much to ask?
I think that's fine if you're prepared to give each other some 'free time'
... me and my DH both get a few hours a week to ourselves. At the weekend
he goes out for a few hours (gym/sports) and I go out for a few hours
(gardening, shopping). I also go out once or twice a month with my
girlfriends for dinner/drinking. He doesn't have that kind of social
circle, but he goes out once or twice every few months. That's not to say
that I don't find family 'fun' but it's very different to have time to
myself to relate to other adults on a one-to-one basis, or to become
absorbed in a hobby.
It means we both get a break. Works for us.
ROSIE
Sue
Jeez
> is a few hours a week too much to ask?
I personally don't think so. I don't agree with the other wives that they
wouldn't be married to their husbands if they wanted a few hours to
themselves once a week. It's not too much to ask. I personally would like it
to have an evening to myself once the kids were in bed and hubby was gone.
It is very nice. Although, the only problem I see with it is that your wife
may require a few hours to herself once a week.
I'm with you Pete. I find parenting stressful and extremely busy and hairy.
And I also don't think because I make parenting stressful, it's just the way
our lives are running at the moment. I have one high needs child that takes
all my energy away from me and she only needs to be around me for five
minutes before I start feeling stressed out. My kids are very independent.
They do just about everything for themselves, except laundry. But, I don't
have time for hobbies, or to do things that I want to do for the most part.
I work 40 hours a week, I have three kids and a house and a husband. I find
it very stressful.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
LisaBell
wrote:
>
>"Ericka Kammerer" <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
>news:srKdndOBxdV...@comcast.com...
>> Pete wrote:
>>
>>> How much "me" time IS realistic with 2 kids? 1 night per week - I am
>>> not asking much. In an ideal world I`d like 2 nights with my wife, 2 with
>>> my buddies and 3 for family.
>>
>> When you say "night" do you mean the time between coming home
>> from work and going to bed? If you mean that much, then I think that
>> expectation would be way out of line.
>
>Yeah, I mean 6pm till 11pm. That was in an ideal world! I only get one night
>per week (Go straight to buddies house from work, pizza, playstation, beer,
>usually home between 11-12, about once every 6 months we have an "all
>nighter" and I come home at 12pm the next afternoon) My wife doesnt get out
>as often as most of her friends have kids and the husbands dont like the
>wives going out so much. Which is a shame. She goes about about 1 night a
>month with an old, single school friend and stays out all night, so that
>makes me feel a little less guilty.
>
>My wife is really interested in this thread too!!
I can't imagine having a DH who wants to go out socially straight from
work, on a regular basis, ie without even coming home to say hi to the
kids. Fortunately, neither DH nor I would think of doing this except
in unusual and infrequent circumstances. If we want social time in the
evening, we go out after the kids are in bed, or at the very least
after having dinner with them. I spend one such evening a week with a
girlfriend - DH prefers to spend his me time at home on the computer.
We have friends who have bigger social needs, but most make an effort
to get some family time in every day, and spend most of their
socializing evenings together as a couple.
--Lisa bell
Mom to Gabriella (6) and Michaela (4.5)
Nan
scribbled:
>Too often here and in IRL I hear the *dad* saying that one was 'not bad' but
>going to two which is haaard, while his wife is saying the first was a big
>change. It turns out IRL that he perceived two as hard because that's when he
>got involved because then it was really necessary.
I've seen that as well. Thankfully my dh has always been a very hands
on dad, and happy to do more than his fair share, so I've not noticed
him having any trouble making a transition.
Nan
Nan
scribbled:
>Well, *I* evicted Scrooge McDuck and live in his mansion.
Let's go swimming in your money vault! I want to do that before you
have to pay out the nose for all those handymen <G>
Nan
Nan
<sburk...@wideopenwest.com> scribbled:
>I personally don't think so. I don't agree with the other wives that they
>wouldn't be married to their husbands if they wanted a few hours to
>themselves once a week. It's not too much to ask. I personally would like it
>to have an evening to myself once the kids were in bed and hubby was gone.
>It is very nice. Although, the only problem I see with it is that your wife
>may require a few hours to herself once a week.
For me, it's not a matter of my dh wanting a few hours to himself once
a week. It's about needing to run over to a buddy's house for 5 or 6
hours, blowing off the family entirely for that day. "Pete" said he
wants 2 days to himself, 2 days with his wife, and 3 with his family.
IMO, his expectations are unrealistic in that he's not allowing his
wife to have *her* 2 days.
My dh gets his few hours every single day. He works nights, so coming
home and early morning is his time to use the computer, or play his
xbox.
Nan
Banty
Banty
Ericka Kammerer
For me, going to 2 was harder than going to 1, but then again,
DH is very involved, so I had a lot of help. With two of us and only
one kid it was relatively easy to get personal time for either of us.
Once there were two kids, we were *both* on duty all the time, rather
than just one on duty at any given time (if you see what I mean--
obviously, that's a bit of an exaggeration). So, with a less involved
spouse, you go to full-time parenting with only one kid, but with
a very involved spouse, you don't really get to "full-time" parenting
until two kids. And the way my husband saw it, I was doing the
primary parenting the whole time he was at work, so he did the
primary parenting pretty much all the time he was home (which is
not to say I didn't help, but just that he was taking the lead).
Now, especially with the activities and such, there's a lot of
divide and conquer going on, which translates to less personal
time while the kids are awake.
So anyway, I think your observation is probably quite
true when Dad isn't as involved/doesn't choose to change his
lifestyle much at one kid. In cases where Dad *does* choose
to make a lot of changes and get more heavilly involved at
one kid, it may be that Mom gets hit harder by the transition
to two. Clear as mud? ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
Circe
> Banty wrote:
>> In article <xJOdnbPaPan...@comcast.com>, Ericka Kammerer
>> says...
>>> those who had more equal parenting from the start.
>>
>> How does it work in your view?
>
> For me, going to 2 was harder than going to 1, but then again,
> DH is very involved, so I had a lot of help. With two of us and
> only one kid it was relatively easy to get personal time for either
> of us.
I agree with your assessment. In our case, 1-2 was more difficult than 0-1
as well, and I think for exactly the same reason. 2-3 was a piece of cake.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 5), and the Rising Son (Julian, 7)
"Bush didn't pee his pants or kill anyone, so my guess is that people will
say [the third debate] was a tie."--Jessi Klein
(http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/blog/10/13/klein.blog/index.html)
All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman
Nikki
But, I don't have time for
> hobbies, or to do things that I want to do for the most part.
Oh Sue, I was beginning to think I was the only one in that boat. I'm glad
you posted!
I have no idea how people fit all those personal hobbies in!! There are so
few hours in the week that are not work, sleep, or family. I do
participate in things I enjoy (gardening in the summer etc.) with the family
and enjoy my family time but there are very few things that I do alone. I
can't carve time from work, can't whittle any more off my sleep so that
leaves cutting into family time and I just don't think that is right, and
don't even really want to do that. My time comes after 9pm and there is
only so much that can be done and I'm a bit less motivated by then as well,
lol.
I can't say I'm particularly stressed right now but I have been in the past
and I'm sure I will be again. Dh isn't working though so that really helps
relieve a lot of stress, and adds some in other areas, lol.
--
Nikki
Ericka Kammerer
> I have no idea how people fit all those personal hobbies in!!
It's a lot easier if your hobbies are solo, can be done at
home, and can be done anytime of day or night.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Circe
Well, I have to say that I don't have any time for personal hobbies (beyond
posting to Usenet anyway), but I didn't really *have* many personal hobbies
before the kids were born other than reading and watching TV (both of which
I do a lot less of these days, though I still find time to read a fair bit).
Other than that, the only thing I ever really did with my personal time was
to swim seriously, and that's something I definitely miss but can't see
being able to do on a regular basis again for quite a while.
The reason I can't swim any more it that I use my own pool (too small for
serious lap swimming and too cold for 6-8 months of the year) and there's
just no time when I can go to another pool and do it. I can't do it during
my work hours because then I'd have to work longer. I get off at 2:45 or so,
but then I'm by myself with the kids and have to take care of them, help my
school-aged kids with their homework, etc. I can't do it after my husband
gets home because he gets home at 6:30-7:00 each night and then it's time
for dinner, baths, and bedtime in quick succession. I can't do it in the
early morning before work because 1) I start working between 6:00 and 6:30
and 2) my husband gets up and goes for his walk between 5:30 and 6:30, so
who'd be home with the kids if I went swimming then?
If anyone can see a way for me to squeeze in an hour of lap swimming
somewhere, I'd love to hear it. Although my weight's not a concern, it
definitely worries me that I haven't been exercising regularly since my
oldest was born. I know it's not good for my bones or heart to be so
sedentary, but I can't see a way around it right now.
KD
wrote:
>
>"Abi" <earlyco...@yahoo.co.uk> wrote in message
>news:7339a91f.04101...@posting.google.com...
>> Hi, - I am in the process of deciding whether to have another baby - I
>> have a daughter already. Has anyone who has had two or more kids
>> regretted having more than one child? I would like honest opinions
>> please! I think one of the main advantages of having more than one
>> child include providing companionship for the other child, but I am
>> worried about the disadvantages - the amount of work that would be
>> involved and the expense of it. Is it really much harder work having a
>> second or third? Is it also much more expensive? Do children
>> appreciate other siblings at a young age?
>> What if you had decided to go ahead and have another child but your
>> partner wasn't too keen on the idea? What did you do to persuade him
>> and was he eventually glad to have another baby?
>
>Anyone that tells you that having 2 is anything like having one is lying!!
>We had another DD when DS was 3. It was a total nightmare ( and still is) I
>look at my buddy who has an only child of 5 and am green with envy. No
>screaming and arguing at his house. When his DS is in bed or at grandmas,
>that's it "time off". When my DD is at grandmas we still have DD and visa
>versa. Twice the Christmas gifts, double the saving for college, Quadruple
>the time and stress.
>
>My wife was the one who wanted another. I was more than happy with one. (I
>am an only and LOVED it) Would I turn the clock back? ..hell no! I love my
>DD to pieces, but I would advise anyone to think VERY carefully about a 2nd
>child, it is a whole new ball game and MORE than double the work and stress.
>The sibling rivalry almost breaks my heart at times. The way DS looks at me
>sometimes when I am holding DD is a killer. Life is certainly a lot more
>noisy and stressful at home with 2 that I remember growing up as an only. We
>WILL NOT be having anymore!!! LOL
>
>1 is stressful
>2 is VERY stressful
>anyone who has 3 or more MUST be crazy or totally selfless and enjoy having
>NO life of thier own.
>
That reminds me of when I brought ds home for the first time. For at
least a month my heart broke everytime I saw dd looking at me holding
him. It was one of the hardest things - watching her try to deal with
the new baby and the time he took from her. But it was over in a month
or so and everyone adjusted. But man! was it hard!
Adding #3 I didn't notice that. #1 and #2 were used to sharing my time
and #2 wasn't nearly as 'clingy' as #1 had been. There was an
adjustment period, but it wasn't nearly as difficult.
And yes, at times I think must be crazy, but I have no regrets.
However, 3 is it, I don't want another. I do have a life of my own but
it is limited. I work full-time outside the home and that is my
'other' life. The rest of my time is centered completely on my kids -
I don't go out and do 'things' other than work unless my kids come.
And for now I accept that thats the way things are - that's the choice
I made and I'm very happy with it.