I'm so over it
Sue
Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my 10-year-old
to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but nothing we have
done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over it. Help!
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
Ericka Kammerer
> Hi everyone,
>
> Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my 10-year-old
> to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but nothing we have
> done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over it. Help!
Where does she go when she gets out of bed? To your bed?
It would be really, really rough on the parents for a few nights,
but I think my inclination would be that every time she wanders
into the room, I wouldn't let her lie down. I'd get up, take her
somewhere else, have her talk about what's bothering her, and then
tuck her back in bed. Every single time.
In other words, remove the reward. (The talking thing
isn't to help you figure out what's wrong--I think you're right
in implying that this probably isn't so much about her being
actually scared of anything. It's just an excuse to sleep where
she wants to sleep. However, the talking thing is mildly annoying
if the fear is just an excuse, and if there's something else going
on and she really is scared, perhaps this will surface what's
wrong.) I suspect after a few sleepless nights for both of you,
it won't be worth her while to keep getting up, since she's not
getting what she wants.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Nina Pretty Ballerina
"Sue" <sburk...@wideopenwest.com> wrote in message
news:mv-dnTNamNgBpYLa...@wideopenwest.com...
we have this with a five year old, and bribing with a star chart is working,
but your dd is 10, so i dont really know...... i can see how you would be
over it!
Stephanie
"Ericka Kammerer" <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:36udnTCab-T9poLa...@comcast.com...
> Sue wrote:
>> Hi everyone,
>>
>> Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my
>> 10-year-old to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but
>> nothing we have done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over
>> it. Help!
>
> Where does she go when she gets out of bed? To your bed?
> It would be really, really rough on the parents for a few nights,
> but I think my inclination would be that every time she wanders
> into the room, I wouldn't let her lie down. I'd get up, take her
> somewhere else, have her talk about what's bothering her, and then
> tuck her back in bed. Every single time.
Ericka is spot on, in my opinion, though my experience does not extend past
5yos.
chu...@kingcong.uwaterloo.ca
Sue <sburk...@wideopenwest.com> wrote:
>Hi everyone,
>
>Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my 10-year-old
>to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but nothing we have
>done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over it. Help!
>
I think that your first step is to figure out whether this is a "I'm just
looking for comfort in the middle of the night" or whether she is worried
about something specific. The former is along the lines of my tummy feels
funny, the house creaks at night, the shadows in my room are odd type of
fear. The latter is the more "grown up" I'm worried I'll be teased at
school tomorrow, I'm falling behind in math, I heard on the news about
terrorism, type fear. Unfortunately the second type can get described
as the first type if your child doesn't know how to bring up the topic.
For the first type of fear, we had good luck with keeping some of the
stuffed animals in our room and then handing them out as comfort in the
middle of the night as we tucked the child back into bed. The animal
seemed to be an extension of having the parents there with them. (Some
of the animals are, ahem, mine from childhood, and so those ones were
particularly prized for comfort.) After a while we just needed to hand
out an animal, or give one out before bedtime.
For older type fears, you are going to think of how you can have a
discussion at some time other than the middle of the night as to what
might be bothering your daughter. For us, the car, when it is only one
parent and one child, seem to be a good place to discuss the hard
questions of life. Although after school over a snack if the others are
busy elsewhere doe seem to work too. You might want to open with
conversation with things that you worried about as a child. At about
that age my oldest was suprised to learn that her parents didn't have
a perfect childhood :-O (We're past that stage. The ship has sailed.
Nothing we do or have done resembles perfection now....)
Carol
Illiana via FamilyKB.com
>Hi everyone,
>
>Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my 10-year-old
>to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but nothing we have
>done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over it. Help!
>
--
Message posted via FamilyKB.com
http://www.familykb.com/Uwe/Forums.aspx/parenting/200710/1
jane...@gmail.com
Does she sleep by herself in her room or does she share her room with
her sisters? Do all 3 of your kids have their own rooms? Can you put
her bed in the older girls' rooms? You can tell her to talk to her
sisters and see if they'll let her sleep in their room until she gets
over the "fear". And you tell her that she has to negotiate with them
because she's old enough to resolve this without coming to your room.
Another thing that worked for us is, when DD1 (4yo) wakes up in the
middle of night, if it is before 4am, she can ask for a hug but has to
go back to her room. If it's after 4am, she can sleep in my bed until
morning. I told her I'm not going to come to her room to put her back
to sleep (I've done this countless times, believe me)
My kids are much younger (4, 3) but I struggled with the same issue
ever since they were born. Even though I had room to spare, I made
them share a room because DD1 is scared of everything.
Also, some people are scared of sleeping alone. I found it that the
best way to deal with it is, to have them get used to it. Good luck.
Penny Gaines
> Hi everyone,
>
> Does anyone have any words of wisdom or ideas on how to get my 10-year-old
> to stay in her bed at night. She claims she is scared, but nothing we have
> done is getting us any sleep at night and I am so over it. Help!
>
Depending on your religious beliefs, you might find the following prayer
a useful thing to teach her:
From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties, and
things that go bump in the night, good Lord preserve us. Amen.
My mother wrote it out and stuck it by my bed when I went through
a phase of being scared at night.
--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
Beth Kevles
Hi --
I've dealt with this with younger children, but never with 10-year
old. Have you tried teaching her some strategies for dealing with night
fears/fear of the dark? For example:
- She can shut her eyes and concentrate on something cheerful, something
she likes.
- If she has a bad dream she can think of a different way to continue
the dream so that it works out happily.
- She can hug a stuffed animal.
- She can hum a song to herself.
During the day, discuss the problem with her. Explain that you're
getting too tired to be a good parent, and what does she think she can
do to help? She might come up with some good self-comforting ideas on
her own.
And you can reward her for every night she spends the entire night in
her own bed without waking anyone else.
I don't know if any of these will work, but maybe they'll lead to some
ideas of your own that you can use.
Good luck, and sleep well!
--Beth Kevles
bethk...@gmail.PUT-THE-COM-HERE
http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.
NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the GMAIL one if you would
like me to reply.
Sue
> but your dd is 10, so i dont really know...... i can see how you would be
> over it!
I know I feel like I have a very little one again, with all the night
waking. Yeep.
--
Sue
Sue
Yes, that's where she really wants to be.
> It would be really, really rough on the parents for a few nights,
> but I think my inclination would be that every time she wanders
> into the room, I wouldn't let her lie down. I'd get up, take her
> somewhere else, have her talk about what's bothering her, and then
> tuck her back in bed. Every single time
> In other words, remove the reward. (The talking thing
> isn't to help you figure out what's wrong--I think you're right
> in implying that this probably isn't so much about her being
> actually scared of anything. It's just an excuse to sleep where
> she wants to sleep. However, the talking thing is mildly annoying
> if the fear is just an excuse, and if there's something else going
> on and she really is scared, perhaps this will surface what's
> wrong.) I suspect after a few sleepless nights for both of you,
> it won't be worth her while to keep getting up, since she's not
> getting what she wants.
>
> Best wishes,
> Ericka
I have let her lay with me for a bit (until something on me falls asleep,
lol) and then I have her go back to bed. This reminds me of what I did when
she was little and getting out of bed. I will try this because I do think
getting to sleep with me is the reward she is looking for. Thanks Ericka.
--
Sue
Sue
<chu...@kingcong.uwaterloo.ca> wrote in message
> For older type fears, you are going to think of how you can have a
> discussion at some time other than the middle of the night as to what
> might be bothering your daughter. For us, the car, when it is only one
> parent and one child, seem to be a good place to discuss the hard
> questions of life. Although after school over a snack if the others are
> busy elsewhere doe seem to work too. You might want to open with
> conversation with things that you worried about as a child. At about
> that age my oldest was suprised to learn that her parents didn't have
> a perfect childhood :-O (We're past that stage. The ship has sailed.
> Nothing we do or have done resembles perfection now....)
>
> Carol
I think I might be dealing with older fears. Her fears lie with someone
breaking into the house, the house catching on fire, and/or ghosts. I have
tried telling her that we lock the windows and doors. Our windows to our
house are higher than most windows on a house, so it would really be
difficult for someone to break in without making a lot of noise and I have
told her this. But, she is not really good to listening to reason. I have
tried to give her coping skills, but it isn't working. Part of me wants to
just dismiss this as her trying to get her way, but another part of me sees
the terror in her eyes and then it's when I feel I have to protect her or
empathize with her feelings, but this goes on night after night and there
are times when she says that she just wants to lay with me because our bed
is more comfortable :oP So I am really confused on how to deal with this.
--
Sue
Sue
> What is she scared of?
She says she is scared of someone breaking in, the house catching on fire,
and ghosts. My problem is that these fears are legitmate and I can't tell
her that none of these things will happen for certain. I have told her that
we take precautions, but it's not really helping.
Sue
> Depending on your religious beliefs, you might find the following prayer
> a useful thing to teach her:
>
> From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggety beasties, and
> things that go bump in the night, good Lord preserve us. Amen.
>
> My mother wrote it out and stuck it by my bed when I went through
> a phase of being scared at night.
Thank you Penny. I will print this out and see if it will help her.
Sue
> Hi --
> I've dealt with this with younger children, but never with 10-year
> old. Have you tried teaching her some strategies for dealing with night
> fears/fear of the dark? For example:
>
> - She can shut her eyes and concentrate on something cheerful, something
> she likes.
> - If she has a bad dream she can think of a different way to continue
> the dream so that it works out happily.
> - She can hug a stuffed animal.
> - She can hum a song to herself.
> During the day, discuss the problem with her. Explain that you're
> getting too tired to be a good parent, and what does she think she can
> do to help? She might come up with some good self-comforting ideas on
> her own.
>
> And you can reward her for every night she spends the entire night in
> her own bed without waking anyone else.
>
> I don't know if any of these will work, but maybe they'll lead to some
> ideas of your own that you can use.
>
> Good luck, and sleep well!
> --Beth Kevles
Thanks Beth. My instincts tell me that she has not learned coping skills and
this is probably where the problem lies. I will use your ideas and see how
it goes. Thanks so much.
Sue
> Does she sleep by herself in her room or does she share her room with
> her sisters? Do all 3 of your kids have their own rooms? Can you put
> her bed in the older girls' rooms? You can tell her to talk to her
> sisters and see if they'll let her sleep in their room until she gets
> over the "fear". And you tell her that she has to negotiate with them
> because she's old enough to resolve this without coming to your room.
Yes, she sleeps in her own room. Yes, sleeping with a sister would be the
answer to all of our problems, but the sisters don't want her in their room.
We tried that for a while, but sister wasn't happy as she has had her own
room since she was born. I had Kara sleeping on my floor in my room for a
while and I was hoping to have the fear run out and let her make her
decision to go back to her room, but she stayed there for over a month and
my husband doesn't want her in our room (which is another problem).
> Another thing that worked for us is, when DD1 (4yo) wakes up in the
> middle of night, if it is before 4am, she can ask for a hug but has to
> go back to her room. If it's after 4am, she can sleep in my bed until
> morning. I told her I'm not going to come to her room to put her back
> to sleep (I've done this countless times, believe me)
That would be too confusing for her and I really can't have her in my bed.
Our bed is really little and hubby and I barely have enough room for us, let
alone someone else in the bed.
> My kids are much younger (4, 3) but I struggled with the same issue
> ever since they were born. Even though I had room to spare, I made
> them share a room because DD1 is scared of everything.
I have had the girls in the same room, but I had to move them because they
were keeping each other awake and not sleeping. Also, the older girls really
don't want to share a room.
> Also, some people are scared of sleeping alone. I found it that the
> best way to deal with it is, to have them get used to it. Good luck.
Thanks so much.
--
Sue
Ericka Kammerer
> I think I might be dealing with older fears. Her fears lie with someone
> breaking into the house, the house catching on fire, and/or ghosts. I have
> tried telling her that we lock the windows and doors. Our windows to our
> house are higher than most windows on a house, so it would really be
> difficult for someone to break in without making a lot of noise and I have
> told her this. But, she is not really good to listening to reason. I have
> tried to give her coping skills, but it isn't working. Part of me wants to
> just dismiss this as her trying to get her way, but another part of me sees
> the terror in her eyes and then it's when I feel I have to protect her or
> empathize with her feelings, but this goes on night after night and there
> are times when she says that she just wants to lay with me because our bed
> is more comfortable :oP So I am really confused on how to deal with this.
It may be that she started with the fears as an
excuse, but your sympathy may have validated her fears and
now they're more real. Can you give her something that will
give her some control? Obviously, she's a bit old for "monster
spray," but maybe there's something else you can think of that
would allow her to alert you in case something happened, or
something else that makes her feel safe (lock on window or
door or whatever)? Make it something *she* can do, either
each night as part of going to be, or in the event of an
emergency.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Rosalie B.
When our children were sleeping downstairs and we were upstairs, we
put intercoms in their rooms.
I don't know about the ghosts (which is a pretty lame idea IMHO and
sounds to me like she is trying it on - after all she's gotten what
she wanted with being afraid before), but I would be tempted to have a
fire drill in the middle of the night sometime.
I suspect that her initial legit fear and your reaction of allowing
her to sleep on the floor in your room has been overcome and she's
using it now to get back to that place. I might (if I was really
annoyed, which I would be) tell her that she will be better off not in
my room if any of that happened.
Penny Gaines
Apparently it is either an old Scottish prayer, or an old Cornish
prayer. Hope it helps her :-).
Welches
coming!"
Debbie
Pepe Papon
When my 7-year-old was doing this, talking didn't work, and star
charts didn't work. We didn't want her sleeping with us, so, instead,
we allowed her to sleep on an air mattress on the floor in our room.
Eventually, we got her to talk about what was really scaring her.
She still wanted to sleep in our room, so we decided to allow her
until she was ready to go back.
Over time, the air mattress developed a leak. It would be her
responsibility to re-inflate the mattress each night. After awhile,
even after reinflating, the air was all gone in a short time.
Finally, she decided that it would be more comfortable to sleep in her
own bed.
Chookie
Ericka Kammerer <e...@comcast.net> wrote:
> Obviously, she's a bit old for "monster
> spray," but maybe there's something else you can think of that
> would allow her to alert you in case something happened, or
> something else that makes her feel safe (lock on window or
> door or whatever)? Make it something *she* can do, either
> each night as part of going to be, or in the event of an
> emergency.
One of those personal alarm thingies by her bed. Dunno what they're called,
but they are the size of a permanent marker. You press the end and it makes
an extraordinarily loud noise.
Incidentally, it is mandatory to have smoke alarms fitted where I live. Do
you have one in your house?
--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)
Pologirl
> Her fears lie with someone
> breaking into the house, the house catching on fire, and/or ghosts. I have
> tried telling her that we lock the windows and doors.
She may need some control over her fears. Does your family have a
family emergency plan for a house fire? Eg, how would you get out of
each room in the house? Can your children escape out their bedroom
windows? Don't just talk about it, do it too. Try to do it safely,
please!
Eg, have an adult outside to help the child down from the window.
You might also work though some intruder-in-the-house scenarios. Ask
the local police department about their sending an officer or trainer
who
can give you good information about what to do and not do, and look at
your home's physical security. You may be surprised what they have to
say.
Re ghosts, that's a harder proposition. For this, maybe consult a
local
library children's reference librarian? I bet they know some books
about
what to do about ghosts. :-)
Pologirl
2004 Monkey Boy (afraid of the Halloween ghosts in a neighbor's tree)
2006 Hungry Girl (gobbles orange and black M&Ms)
Sue
> Incidentally, it is mandatory to have smoke alarms fitted where I live.
> Do
> you have one in your house?
It's not mandatory, but yes it is highly recommended that every house have
them. We do.
Sue
would help. I do think her having some control might be the issue.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)
"Pologirl" <polo...@att.net> wrote in message
news:1193407736.4...@i13g2000prf.googlegroups.com...