family help after delivery??
sl...@cc.usu.edu
have answers. Oh well. Here's another:
Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same. But I would
rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
our new addition. Another problem, our apartment isn't that big and
I think that all the extra bodies would cause more stress than
anything. I would feel like I had to play hostess to them.
And this may sound dumb/selfish/crazy, but I also am worried that
I won't get a chance to hold my own child (except when he/she cries
or needs to be fed). I appreciate all the help the families are offering but
I could use some advice from you all as to how much help is really necessary
during that first week after bringing the baby home. Would it be
rude to tell my family and in-laws to stay away for a little while?
(In nicer words, of course). I know it will cause some hurt feelings
and both my mom and my MIL are really good at making me feel guilty, but
well...I don't know.
My husband says I stress too much. Does it show? :)
Thanks,
Melanie (due 5/30)
Christine Huda Dodge
>Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
>you immediately after the birth of your child?
Hi - let me tell you my experience with this. I'm mom to Anisah, born
on this past New Year's Eve (she's now 2 months old!). My family all
live out-of-state, and my parents told us that they would like to come
up 1-2 weeks after the birth, because they were sensitive to us having
time alone to adjust before being bombarded with visitors (that's how
they put it). I appreciated that.
However, my husband's family is more spontaneous. They also live out
of state. His parents called us a week before my due-date - on a Friday
night - and told us that they would be at the airport at 10:30 Saturday
morning - could we come pick them up? We've had these kinds of things
happen before, so I grinned and bore it - that's just the way they are.
His folks are older than mine (mother 59, father 70), and there's also
a cultural difference, so I was polite. Please don't get me wrong - I
*love* his parents, and we hadn't seen them in a year and a half, so I
was happy they came. *But* I would have appreciated more warning.
They stayed for the week before the baby was born (she was born on her
due-date), and for one week after that. The day after they left, my
parents came for a 2-day visit. All other family is waiting for us to
come to them (probably in March we'll make a trip down). Anway, back
to your questions.
You expressed that your concerns are: time alone with baby and husband,
time with baby (holding, etc.), cramped apartment, pressure to play
hostess to guests.
For that week after the baby was born, I had very mixed feelings about
them being there. On the one hand, our apartment is also small so things
were cramped. And we had trouble breastfeeding at first, and I wasn't
comfortable doing it in front of anyone at first - I really felt I needed
to be alone with her. Also, my father-in-law smokes, and because of his
age (and the weather we were having the first week of January), my husband
didn't feel that he could ask him to go outside. So basically I spent
that first week in my bedroom. Struggling with nursing, trying to sleep,
learning about the baby. I also really missed my husband, because he was
busy playing host to his parents. However, I also really appreciated my
mother-in-law's help around the house - she basically did *everything*.
She cleaned up, brought me all my meals on a tray to my bedroom (I came
downstairs for dinner and some adult company - once a day), stocked our
freezer full of more meals for later, screened my phone calls and visitors,
etc. That was *very* nice. In that way, they did help out a lot. By the
end of the week, I was anxious to get out of my room and feel comfortable
in the rest of my house - nursing in the living room if I wanted, for
example. After *my* parents came and went, my husband and I finally had
some time alone with the baby. My husband felt that he had some catching
up to do with her - after all the time I had spent with her, I had learned
a lot about her likes/dislikes, her moods, etc. and he felt that he was
just starting.
Anyway, to sum up - it did put stress and pressure on us. It made me feel
less comfortable about relaxing in my home, and put pressure on my husband
to be host rather than spend time with us. On the other hand, you really
need some help around the house those first few days. If your husband is
up for it, that's great. Otherwise you might want to have *one* person
or set of parents if you can handle it. But I would advise against *all*
of the people you mentioned coming at the same time. My parents were a
little bit hurt that my in-laws were here for that whole first week, but
they understood that we didn't really have a choice in the matter. I hope
your family is understanding if you choose to have them wait a little
while. The important thing is *your* comfort.
Best wishes,
--
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
C. Huda Dodge | "I can complain because rosebushes have
dod...@ucs.orst.edu or | thorns... or rejoice because the thornbush
dod...@ccmail.orst.edu | has a rose..."
NEWMAN MARY
My parents, too, were both ready to fly to Hong Kong as
soon as Roo came. But they're going through a divorce
from hell, and I wasn't about to play referee. Then
Mom decided she couldn't come because of her high school
teaching commitments. That got Dad all excited because then
he could be here without her.
David and I discussed very carefully who we want here when
Roo comes in May. My mom was out because of her contract.
My Dad wouldn't be very helpful, and David's mom wouldn't,
either. We decided on asking my best friend to come, but
then she got pregnant and doesn't want to trek to HK mid-preg.
So we told our parents and sibs (and everyone else who said
they'd come out to "help") that we appreciated their anticipation,
but that we would have plenty of help from friends who were right
here and that we just wanted to concentrate on being a threesome
before we had people traipsing through our place. It helps, too,
that we're hiring a live-in maid before Roo comes, so I won't
have to deal with household stuff at all.
Luckily, our folks were very understanding. Of course, there's a
huge difference between a 1.5-day trek to HK and a 4-hour drive
to your place. I SUGGEST you NOT call them when labor starts, and
just make it clear that you'll call when you're ready for visitors.
Then be sure to call.
My friend had her first baby at home, but she had to go to the
hospital to get stitched. She, hubby and baby arrived home at 7am
to find hubby's brood on the steps: father, mother, two sisters and
brother. They lived in a mobile home, and the family expected to
stay the week. This was unannounced. The husband finally convinced
the family to leave, but the mom instisted on staying to help out.
They gave in. So as my friend recouped from the birth, the mother did
NOTHING. Tab ended up vacuuming the place and cleaning it two days
after the birth because the mother did ZILCH, even though both Tab and
husband asked repeatedly. I think they ended up TELLING the mother
to leave, and that created longer-term hurt (probably) than telling
well-intentioned visitors to wait until you're ready for them.
I really hope you find a way to work this out. I hope that your
families are understanding enough to keep away until YOU are ready.
EVERYBODY wants to see the newborn when it's still really new, but
it's YOUR comfort and settling into your new role that is important,
not Grandma and Grandpa's "need" to see the baby. Figure out exactly
what you need, and then be firm about it. Maybe they can help in other
ways while you're still settling in (from long distance)? If you ask
them to stay away, be sure to take lots of photos and mail them quickly.
That may be some consolation to keep them at bay!
Mary C. Newman
and Roo (5/20/95)
pane...@usthk.ust.hk
Marion Baumgarten
> I always seem to have more questions for all of you than I ever
> have answers. Oh well. Here's another:
>
> Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
> to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
> packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
> both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
> is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same. But I would
> rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
> our new addition. Another problem, our apartment isn't that big and
> I think that all the extra bodies would cause more stress than
> anything. I would feel like I had to play hostess to them.
>
Ok- I may be unusual, but I actually LIKE my inlaws. Mine came( I think)
the 3rd day after birth (back then you stayed in the hospital two days)
and stayed 2 weeks, My husband took about 4 days off total. Then after
they left, he had planned to take a week, but I didn't need it my then.
They were wonderful and came again a few days before my due date for #2
and also stayed about two weeks. They did hardly any baby care- they
cooked and did the dishes and cleaned and ran to the store.
But if you think they can't behave like this, then you're right.
Marion Baumgarten
mari...@wwa.com
Nancy Milinkovich
Hi Melanie,
I know how you feel - my mother wants also
to "help out" right after the delivery. And
like you I'm afraid I'll be running my life
and my new baby's by her schedule and agenda
rather than mine.
Sooo....here's what I did - I sat down
and had a long talk with my mom. I told
her that I didn't want any schedules set -
no pre-organized "events", no visitors
for the first week or so and after that
I would accept all help cheerfully!!
My mom was a little taken-aback by my
"openness" but she realized that she
had all these "lists of priorities" ready
to go without realizing that they may
or may not be mine. It has worked well,
I now have a great woman who will be
there to help me out and the air is
clear BEFORE the time comes - because
God knows I'll be too tired to argue
with her during!
I would also say that trying to cut down
on the number of helpers is a good idea.
My husband's sister also wanted to come over
and I said no not right away because
I didn't want a lot of commotion. So you may
want to just have your mom or whatever until
a few weeks later.
Good luck - I know its hard, feelings
definitely run high around things like
this.
Nancy M
due May25/95
--
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nancy, mother to human baby in vitro (due May 25/95)
and Tanis the big, beautiful, brindle Bullmastiff
============================================================
Cindy Day
maybe you could get them to stagger their visits, only one or two at a
time. Justify this as being a way of having help for a longer time period.
If your husband can take time away from work, ask that they not stay with
you until he has to return to work. Again, you can justify this as a
practical way of extending the time period you'll have people around to
help.
Believe me, delivery and nursing WILL make you really tired. You will
really appreciate extra hands around to help, and taking naps is a great
way to hint to everyone else to pitch in around the house.
Part of the reason they all want to be there right away is so they can see
this brand new little one as soon as it's born. Think of it as bonding for
them. They'll perhaps feel closer to their grandchild or niece or nephew
because of it. Even if you haven't felt especially close to your family
or your husband's family, a child's birth can enhance your relationship and
help you all to feel closer. Plus, your in-laws can fill you in a little
bit about what your husband was like as a baby. Funny how seeing the
little one initiates all this, but it does help to make those family ties
stronger.
Of course, you know better than I do whether this is likely to work out or
not. But I just wanted you to consider these points.
Cindy
Kathryn McEnery
around the corner from our one-bedroom apartment, so we didn't have to hostess
her. We really needed her! She ran errands, bought us paper plates to use
when she left, cooked lasagne and put it in the freezer, did laundry, etc.
My advice is to have a firm talk with your family/friends/in-laws where you
lay down the rules under which you will have visitors. Give them the "I
expect you to do work and not get in my way" talk. And then practice a
few stock phrases like "I'm sorry I can't offer you anything," "Would you
mind getting me a glass of water? The glasses are on the second shelf" and
"Here, take this garbage out on your way out to the car." So what if they go
home thinking that you are bossy. You're a mother now and you're entitled.
Most important piece of advice: don't change out of your pajamas. If you
have normal clothes on and have your hair brushed, even the most
considerate people will think you have it all together and don't need any
help.
Kristen Birdy
>
> I always seem to have more questions for all of you than I ever
> have answers. Oh well. Here's another:
>
> Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
> Melanie (due 5/30)
Well, it all really depends on your family. I'm not speaking from
experience, but I know what my parents did when my sister had each
of her babies. They both went up right after the baby was born
(a short drive from San Antonio to Austin) and stayed for about a
week. They cleaned, cooked, shopped, supported, and were a
tremendous help.
I'm due in May and am looking forward to my parents help. We live
about a block away from them and I know how wonderful they will be!
Maybe we're not in the norm, because I know plenty of people who
would go insane living that close to their parents! :-)
We're lucky. Now, my in-laws are a different story...
In your case, if you're not sure what it is they have in mind to do
while they're there, talk to them about it. Also, talk to the rest
of your family about who's going to be where and when. Explain how
cramped you think things are going to be and work out some kind of
plan.
Good luck!
Kristen &
Austin (due 5/15)
Petra
Deleted text about family wishing to stay after the birth.
Melanie I had this dilemma with my mum who wants to attend the birth and
stay after at our place. My mum came to look after me once when I had
pneumonia and I had to make her lunch and a cup of tea when I had a 40
degrees celcius fever. So I say bluntly no way everytime she mentions
being there for me. I have also not told her about my gestational
diabetes as I know she will carry on like a pork chop about it and that
stress I can do with out. My husband is taking time off and will help me
just fine.
If your family really want to help suggest that your apartment is too
small for them to stay but any offers to pick up and do your dirty
laundry, drop in meals, whip the vaccuum around will be gratefully
accepted. Sometimes people really do sympathise and want to help but are
just not sure of what help you need.
Remember to make the point that you want to be alone in the first week
clear as relatives do tend to have selective hearing and think it applies
to everyone else except them.
And it is quite ok to be selfish when you are being selfish for two. You
and your baby.
Petra
--
_--_|\ | Launceston
/ \ | Tasmania
\_.--._/ | Australia
v <-- Petra...@admin.utas.edu.au | The World
Suzanne McNeely
My suggestion if is if you think its going to be stressful insist on at
least the first week alone. You may want to strive for two. If your
husband doesn't cook then do as everyone suggests and make casseroles
ahead of time and use paper plates. Don't clean your house. Let your
husband do it or save it for the MIL and SIL. It'll keep them busy.
My daughter was born Jan. 12 and my MIL and SIL arrived the next day. I
tried to be understanding. They are from Oklahoma and were here for only
one week so I let them hold her as much as they wanted. I only got to
hold her to feed her. I would wake up in the middle of the night to feed
her and Granny would have sneaked in in the middle of the night and taken
her to her room. I really feel like a very important time for bonding was
taken away from me. I also had some problems with breastfeeding in the
beginning that required Erika to be hospitalized for one day. We had to
start supplementing and gradually go back to just breastfeeding within a
couple of days. Granny believed that I obviously was not making enough
milk to feed Erika and should always supplement. They stayed for a week
and after that I was able to do as I wanted. Whenever she calls for an
update she'll suggest to my husband that I don't feed Erika enough. Don't
get me wrong, I really appreciated their cooking and cleaning for me but
she really undermined my confidence in myself as a mother. For my next
baby it will be loud and clear that no one is to come out until two weeks
after the baby is born. That way most of the "getting to know each other"
problems will be worked out.
Good Luck,
Suzanne
In article <1995Feb24.1...@cc.usu.edu>, sl...@cc.usu.edu wrote:
Shaleen Botting
>people this sort of thing too.
I was also worried about my MIL visiting after the baby was born. ?Especially
since even after I spent 3 days scrubbing/waxing/cleaning prior to her latest
visit, she still refused to take a shower in my house. So we had a little
talk before she left.
Basically, when she asked about visiting after the baby was born, I made it
know that she was more than welcome (for limited amounts of time) and
proceded to 'ask' her for her help during her visit. By praising her on how
well she cleans and telling her that I 'really' could use her help after the
baby comes. yak yak yak So by making her feel 'needed' and 'wanted', I
feel that it will make her visits pleasent for both of us.
Sure I kissed up a bit, but I felt it was the best way to handle her, in this
situation.
Ofcourse if it were MY mother, the situation would be different. She would
only come if invited, and then do whatever I needed help with, when needed
and other then that stay out of the way. She was a great visitor, one that
could stay weeks, and entertain herself all day while I was at work, and take
turns with the cooking ect. She always gave me enough 'space'...
Unfortunately she passed away, [the evening I concieved mylittle girl, non
the less] for those who believe in reincarnation, it could rise questions. =]
and I miss her during these times.
- shaleen
---
Dept. of Chemistry
Texas A&M University
Elizabeth Zielie-Mcfarland
>
>> I always seem to have more questions for all of you than I ever
>> have answers. Oh well. Here's another:
>>
>> Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
>> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
>> to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
>> packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
>> both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
>> is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same. But I would
>> rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
>> our new addition. Another problem, our apartment isn't that big and
>> I think that all the extra bodies would cause more stress than
>> anything. I would feel like I had to play hostess to them.
>>
>> And this may sound dumb/selfish/crazy, but I also am worried that
>> I won't get a chance to hold my own child (except when he/she cries
>> or needs to be fed). I appreciate all the help the families are offering but
>> I could use some advice from you all as to how much help is really necessary
>> during that first week after bringing the baby home. Would it be
>> rude to tell my family and in-laws to stay away for a little while?
>> (In nicer words, of course). I know it will cause some hurt feelings
>> and both my mom and my MIL are really good at making me feel guilty, but
>> well...I don't know.
>>
Melanie,
Here's my .02 worth. When my husband's family found out we were
expecting they immediately made plans to come spend a couple of weeks
with us around the birth of the baby. They live in Pennsylvania,
we live in Washington. Grandbabies are a big deal to them - they haven't
missed a birth yet (although Katy is only the fourth, and two of
them live in the same town). People kept saying I was crazy to be
"entertaining house guests" around the time I was due, but Bob's
parents are very easy going and I figured it was not "entertaining".
We also have a smallish, two-bedroom apartment (they slept on the
hide-a-bed, since the second room was the baby's).
Well, one of the first things I remember Bob telling me within a
week or so after Katy was born that it was nice to have me "back to
normal again," that I was "pretty anti-social for a while," the
week before Katy was born. So obviously I was expected to do a little
more than I had done (which, admittedly, wasn't very much -- I was
TIRED and worked full-time until the day before I went into labor,
a Saturday).
I also felt guilty about the amount of time Katy spent in
our bedroom, with me, instead of out with the grandparents. It was
clear whenever she was out there that they really relished the
time with her. Unfortunately, the first couple of days I was flat
on my back in bed with a spinal headache from the epidural (that
didn't work, by the way), and getting up to feed Katy was about
all I could manage.
I honestly don't know what I'll do about the next baby if his
parents want to come out again. We're trying right now, and if
we were lucky last week the baby would be due around Thanksgiving.
I think that would make them reluctant to travel out here,
especially since we would be there after Christmas.
My advice would be to find a nice way to keep houseguests away
for the first couple of weeks.
Good luck!
Liz McFarland
liz...@u.washington.edu
Richard P Cornwell
: >> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
: >> to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
: >> packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
: >> both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
: >> is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same. But I would
: >> rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
I have to agree with most of the advice you've been getting here.
If you feel having guests is too much for you or that you won't get the
help you need then you owe it to yourself to tell them to wait a couple of
weeks. Yes, babies grow fast but he/she will still be a newborn at two
wks old.
When I had my first we didn't want anyone to visit (although she
was bor 3 days before Xmas and ended up being a very easy delivery for me
so we drove to family, 2 hr drive at the time, for Xmas). You need time
to get used to being a mom and a family.
With my second my husband had two weeks off so it wasn't necessary.
Also we now live in California and family is in NY.
This time I want my Mom to be here. I would like her to be at the
birth with us and to stay awhile. I know she will be a great help to me
and will also be a great help at keeping my other two out of my hair so
I can rest. But I never would have wanted this with my first although she
would have been just as helpful then. I just wanted it to be me and
hubby with the new baby.
Basically you have to do what feels right for you and your new
family.
Kim
(Mommy to Beth 12/21/89, Matt 11/12/92 and ? due 4/28/95)
==========================================================================
Richard & Kim Cornwell sky...@shell.portal.com
Sky Vision Kites (408) 733-9313
415-112 No. Mary Av. Suite 111 http://www.portal.com/~skyvis
Sunnyvale, CA 94086
==========================================================================
Angela Washelesky
I hear you. I was due 11 days ago. Lots of family who mean well want to know
the moment labor starts in order to come to the hospital. Given the short
stays at the hospital these days, we've been firm about telling family they
aren't welcome--that we just don't know what to expect and don't want to add
any more variables to the equation. Since your family doesn't see you every
day, what difference does it make to them if they visit a week after you've
had the baby? I certainly don't want my mom there in the first week--I want
my husband, but he's in tax season, so he has to work a lot. So I'll invite
over a friend I'm comfortable with if necessary during the day while my
husband is at work--then there's no overnight guests for us to entertain, and
we can bond in peace.
My sister will want to bring her kids over, but they live in town and an
hour or two is understandable and even welcome.
Be firm--it's a time you'll never be able to get back again. Draw the line at
overnight guests.
mad...@cruzio.com
In article <1995Feb24.1...@cc.usu.edu>, <sl...@cc.usu.edu> writes:
> Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
> to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
> packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
> both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
> is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same. But I would
> rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
> our new addition. Another problem, our apartment isn't that big and
> I think that all the extra bodies would cause more stress than
> anything. I would feel like I had to play hostess to them.
I think you've just answered your own question. I, too, like to have
a week or two alone with my husband and children before braving the
relative onslaught. We told the relatives that Garry was staying
home for the first week or so and that we'd love to have them come
_after_ he went back to work.
I think it's great to give yourselves time for a babymoon before
sharing your new little one with all of creation. I love to have my
mother and grandmother come visit; I enjoy them and they're very
helpful. But I don't want anyone those first precious few days of
my new baby's life.
> And this may sound dumb/selfish/crazy, but I also am worried that
> I won't get a chance to hold my own child (except when he/she cries
> or needs to be fed). I appreciate all the help the families are offering but
> I could use some advice from you all as to how much help is really necessary
> during that first week after bringing the baby home. Would it be
> rude to tell my family and in-laws to stay away for a little while?
> (In nicer words, of course). I know it will cause some hurt feelings
> and both my mom and my MIL are really good at making me feel guilty, but
> well...I don't know.
Tell them that you'd love to have them come _after_ your husband goes
back to work. I basically handled this by saying, "Garry will be home
to help me for a week or so, but I could really use some help after he
goes back to work." And, believe me, you will be able to use their
help at that point.
I hope your relatives know that you need help with the house, meals
and laundry, NOT taking care of the baby.
--
Heather Madrone
(mad...@cruzio.com)
Ericka Kammerer
I was so glad Mom, Dad, and my sister all made it up in time for
the birth, and evev more glad Mom could stay for a full two weeks.
Fortunately, Mom's the sort to make herself incredibly useful
and unimposing. She only took Adrian when we offerred or were
tired, and she cleaned like a demon! She even got down on her hands
and knees and scrubbed the floors! She didn't cook (Mom
hates cooking) but she ordered out like a pro ;-)
I don't knowwhat we would have done without her.
Ericka
e...@umich.edu
Nancy Nimmo Thompson
>she and my husband were able to take breaks without leaving me alone.
>And she stayed for a week afterward and was a Godsend (in fact, about
>halfway thru the week I sat bolt upright in a panic realizing she was
>only gonna be there 3 more days! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!).
>
>However, she and I have always been soulmates and she is not the sort who
>requires a lot of hostessing to be done for her. I can well understand
>not wanting family around if you don't think you'd be comfortable. I'll
>deny this if you quote me, but I'm VERY thankful that my OWN mother
>couldn't come!!
I'm so tickled to hear of someone who's close to my situation! My
mom stresses me out. She scheduled her 1 week vacation the week
after my due date and was mad at me when I had not delivered by the
time she arrived! She was good help though during my 6 day stay at the
hospital and for 2 days afterwards...but there was added stress
because of her.
My in-laws came after she left, my MIL stayed 10 days and since I
was very weak recovering from 3 days of attemped induction and a
c-section I told her she could do everything any way she wanted.
She also understood without my having to tell her that this did not
include the baby and was great at only giving advice/ doing things
for the baby when asked. She took over the housekeeping and even
cleaned out the cabinets! I insisted I did not care where she put
the dishes and pots and pans as I was so thankful at being able to
devote myself to getting better and the baby. She really
spoiled us with cooking all meals-waiting on me when I was in bed-
even folding all the laundry!
I was quite panicky when she left and even sent a big bouquet of
flowers with the message Thanks for everything...when are you
coming back?
At a recent visit though, I did find myself resenting her advice
about a few things...funny how things change when you're feeling
better!
Nancy
Mommy to David (8/26/94)
PASCHKE SUZANNE SMIT
: In article <1995Feb24.1...@cc.usu.edu>, <sl...@cc.usu.edu> wrote:
: [parents, sister, MIL, SIL all intend on visiting immediately...]
: >And this may sound dumb/selfish/crazy, but I also am worried that
: >I won't get a chance to hold my own child (except when he/she cries
: >or needs to be fed). I appreciate all the help the families are offering but
: >I could use some advice from you all as to how much help is really necessary
: >during that first week after bringing the baby home. Would it be
: >rude to tell my family and in-laws to stay away for a little while?
: >(In nicer words, of course). I know it will cause some hurt feelings
: >and both my mom and my MIL are really good at making me feel guilty, but
: >well...I don't know.
<Rini's comments deleted - but I agree with her completely!>
With my first, I kept people away for about a week, then my parents
arrived. My mother wanted to hold and feed the baby not cook, do
laundry and take care of everything else. Since I was nursing
exclusively, there wasn't much baby care for her and she did plenty
of whining. Needless to say, she is not being invited back for #2
until it is at least a month old. Partly my fault for not communicating
my wishes ahead of time. Also, my mom and I are not that close.
Anyhow, Paul (my hubby) and I found that we really enjoyed the few days
after Graham's birth just being at home and getting to know our new
baby without outside intervention. I had cooked a few dishes and
pulled them from the freezer as needed.
With # 2, we are planning to stay home together for a week or so. In
the beginning, I just want to recouperate, nurse baby, and relax. My
4 yr old helps and plays independently, so I am really looking forward
to staying at home with my husband and kids. My mom has been laying
on the guilt of "my friends are all asking when if we're coming when
the baby is born". I am not giving in to make her happy. This is my
new baby, and since house guests make me feel the need to play hostess,
I am doing what is best for me and for the new baby.
Ask yourself if you are having help for you or for them? It should be
for you. Some people are more open than I and love having lots of
people around, so will have a different approach.
Sorry, I ramble - have been dealing with this issue a lot this week.
I have actually been tactful with my parents - saying we want to wait
until baby arrives and things settle down to have houseguests. Our
house is also under construction, so we have a good excuse!
Do what's best for YOU!
Suzanne
Happily due 3/21/95 with #2 - but already 2 cm!
PASCHKE SUZANNE SMIT
<other good stuff deleted>
: Most important piece of advice: don't change out of your pajamas. If you
: have normal clothes on and have your hair brushed, even the most
: considerate people will think you have it all together and don't need any
: help.
This is great advice! I read this in "Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" this
week (my first re-reading in 4.5 yrs), and agree completely. I didn't do
this enough with #1 - tried to look "together" and quickly became exhaused.
WAB goes so far as to suggest that if someone calls and is coming to visit
the baby, one should actually change from daytime clothes INTO PJs before
they arrive, so they don't stay too long.
Cheers,
Suzanne
Beth Weiss
>>I think you have cause to stress. I've been stressed about how to tell
>>people this sort of thing too.
>
>I was also worried about my MIL visiting after the baby was born.
I thought I'd give another slant on this one.
Our second child is due the end of May, and I've _asked_ my MIL to
come help out. I'm hoping that the new baby cooperates :-), and our
plan is to have her come before the birth, stay here with our almost-3
year old while I'm in the hospital, and stick around for a few weeks
to help keep the house running smoothly.
However, my MIL is a very low-stress person to be around. We have
a guest room, so she'll have her own room so we won't be too crowded.
Although we don't do everything the same way, she'll keep the house
straightened up (we hire out the cleaning), do the laundry, the
grocery shopping, and the cooking.
She breastfed all four of her children, and isn't going to attempt to
undermine my feeding relationship with my new child. She will be more
than willing to hold the new baby, but also willing to leave me home
with the baby while she takes Jordan to the park.
Yes, she is a perfect MIL, and no, I'm not lending her out!
--
--Beth Weiss
bwe...@cs.arizona.edu
Amy McColl
good solution. My parents (divorced) both live within about 15-20 minutes
of us, and neither one is pushy. In fact, I sometimes wish my mother was
more involved (she's gotten better the further along in pregnancy I am)!
We won't have to worry about either of them staying overnight, and I know
they'll only show up to initially meet the baby and help around the house
(mom especially). I intend to make sure they know they must phone first
before coming over, though. I've already told my mother that we'd LOVE to
get some food, and since she's a great cook that should be a big help.
My in-laws live in Michigan (we're in Philadelphia), and are very anxious
to come see the new baby, but will also only come when asked. I know my
MIL would love to show up the moment after birth, but we've decided to
wait a week before we invite them to visit. We're also lucky (!) that our
apt. is a little too small to accomodate overnight guests (neither set of
parents is the sofa-bed type), so even after the in-laws arrive, they will
be staying in a hotel. And my MIL is definitely a
laundry/cleaning/cooking type of person, so I think I'll appreciate her
being here after the first week. But first thing after birth, we want
some time to adjust to being parents!
--Amy McColl, due 5/23
a...@pobox.upenn.edu
Beth Weiss
>: Be firm--it's a time you'll never be able to get back again. Draw
>: the line at overnight guests.
>
>
>So far as your m-i-l goes, let me tell you what mine did. During my
>pregnacy I had told her that afterwards I would need help w/meals &
>cleaning & *not* help w/the baby.
My brother lives about a 6 hour drive away. Jordan was born on
Tuesday, and Brett and his girlfriend (now wife) drove out Friday
night and stayed with my mother that night. He called Saturday and
asked about coming over. I said sure--and asked if he'd mind stopping
at the store for me.
Well, my little brother not only went grocery shopping for me, he
even bought sanitary pads :-). They came over, admired the baby for a
while and then read some books or something while Jordan and I napped.
(I know this because there are pictures--I was sleeping :-)
After I woke up, I gave them a dinner choice--we could order pizza, or
they could cook. So, they made a wonderful dinner, which we all ate,
they cleaned up, kissed us all good-bye, and then went back to my
mother's to sleep that night before driving home on Sunday.
If your day-time visitors are as wonderful as my brother, you may beg
them to come! :-)
No, this brother isn't for sale. Neither is the one who brought my
husband and me dinner at the hospital at 10:00pm the night Jordan was
born.
--
--Beth Weiss
bwe...@cs.arizona.edu
Susan LoVerso
> Have any of you ever had a family member/s or in-law/s stay with
> you immediately after the birth of your child? My parents want me
> to call them the minute I go into "real" labor so they can get things
> packed and drive up (they're about 4 hours away). My mom and sister
> both say they plan on staying with us for a week or so after the baby
> is born "to help out" and my MIL and SIL say the same.
I had my parents come up for a week, arriving the day we got home from
the hospital. However, I wanted them here, so that my mother could
basically be my maid and cook for the week. We were all in agreement
beforehand that they weren't "guests" (i.e. it wasn't up to me to do
entertaining, meal planning, clean house before arrival, etc).
I adamantly refused other out-of-town company because everyone else
would have been "guests". I needed the time to recover without having
constant responsibility. My parents will also be coming up for a week
after this one is born in June too.
> But I would
> rather have at least a week to spend with just me, my husband, and
> our new addition. Another problem, our apartment isn't that big and
> I think that all the extra bodies would cause more stress than
> anything. I would feel like I had to play hostess to them.
My SIL wanted to immediately come up and was quite resentful when we
told her we didn't want her there. We basically said, "What is your
agenda? If you really want to truly be helpful, you should come up
after Sue's parents leave because she'll be alone and can use the help
with the house, cooking, meals, etc. Or, are you really just jealous
because her parents will see the baby a couple days before you."
That pretty much shut her up - although we knew her motive was the
jealousy part.
Speaking of SIL, we knew her motive, when 8 hours (i.e. the next
morning) after birth, she TOLD us her and FIL wanted to come up and see
the baby now (they live 4 hrs away). My husband said that my parents
were coming to help me out after we left the hospital (2 days later),
and they'd have plenty of time to see the baby (it was clear baby
viewing was their idea, not helping out the family). Her exact words
were, "You wouldn't be doing this if Mom was still alive." It was one
of the very few times we thought "not being on speaking terms" was a
good idea. Angry doesn't begin to describe my feelings toward her that
day. (None of these arrangements were a surprise to any family members
on either side, btw.) We did compromise and allow my FIL to visit
while I was in the hospital, but he left before my parents arrived. He
is a "high maintenance" guest, and I didn't want my parents to feel
they had to host him in my house.
I didn't worry about not being able to hold the baby, etc. My son
(now 3) and I bonded just fine, even with help those first few days.
I think I am better of for being able to give my body the rest and
attention it needed too, to recover quickly. However, my relationship
with my parents is that if I think they are crossing into my
territory, I can just say, "We'd like to do this ourselves, thanks
for your offer," they will back off and not be offended. So, having
them around to help when we do want it is greatly appreciated by us.
--
Susan J. LoVerso ?? 6/14/95
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain
a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty
nor safety." --- Benjamin Franklin
Mary Allison Wu
>After I woke up, I gave them a dinner choice--we could order pizza, or
>they could cook. So, they made a wonderful dinner, which we all ate,
>they cleaned up, kissed us all good-bye, and then went back to my
>mother's to sleep that night before driving home on Sunday.
>No, this brother isn't for sale. Neither is the one who brought my
>husband and me dinner at the hospital at 10:00pm the night Jordan was
>born.
What's this -- I can't have your m-i-l OR your brother.
You are pretty stingy with the relatives there girlfriend
(OH COME ON -- you're due in May and I'm due in November -- they'll
surely have recovered by then -- and Illinois isn't THAT far from
Arizona :^) :^) )
Pretty please -- with FRANGOS on top??
--
There are seven ways to survive February with your sanity
intact....the first is to take a swim in the Caribbean. If you
can afford this, forget the other six. -- Barb Trumpinski
Mary Allison Wu (ma...@eagle.csl.uiuc.edu) Urbana, Illinois
ste...@imap2.asu.edu
that they are both gone (I don't think they read this group). Both are
high need people. My mother, on the other hand, is still here, and she
is just like having a house saint. But she won't move in with us!
Like so many other things, it depends so much on your relationship with
people.
Stefani A-L