OT Sorta: Dealing with People's Comments, etc.
JC
to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
people- namely family members/in-laws.
So many scenarios pop into my head about people overstepping boundaries when
it comes to how I am raising my son, and I really don't want to spend his
infant years arguing. Of course, the first thing that I would do is not
necessarily broadcast our choices to others but some choices are going to be
pretty obvious- for example- circumcision. DO NOT MAKE MY THREAD INTO A
CIRC debate!
Anyway, how do you handle naysayers and the like to your parenting method
without "raising the stakes?" The people who would be the most outspoken
are also the most bullheaded (go figure) so trying to educate them or cite
statistics is really a mute point- it has been tried in other circumstances
to no avail. What I need are practical ways to say "It is not OK for you
to be criticizing me, my choices, etc." I don't want to get into an
argument or stoop to their level with rude comebacks- I just want to
effectively put them in their place which I guess sounds mean, but their
comments are usually mean and backbiting.
This has really been worrying me as of late- I would just as soon avoid
these people than try to justify my choices to them. What generally
happens is that one person will make a negative comment, and then another
person will make a joke and then they are laughing about it. (the scenario
this often occurs with are my two doofus brothers whom I love dearly but we
are SO different)
Nothing has happened recently, but I am just steeling myself for "attitude"
after my son is born. Is it too late to move out of state???
JC
Esther Paris
honestly say that no one has asked me whether my
son is circ-ed or intact. It's no one's business
but mine, my husband's, my son's, and the pediatrician's.
Should there be a problem, these would be the only folks
involved. So these are the only people who have a
"need to know".
Never forget that it takes TWO factors before you
give out information. Does the asker have the 'right
to know' AND the 'need to know'. If either of these
is negative, then don't give out the information.
My mother has no need to know if my son is circed
or intact. So, I don't give out the information.
My father has no need either. So, I don't give out
the information. Nor do my son's paternal grandparents
have a need to know. Nor aunts, uncles, cousins,
neighbors, school teachers, etc.
Keep private business private and then you won't
have any battles.
Esther's Advice Du Jour
Ignore it at your will
hamilton
"JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> I don't know why this has been such an issue lately or why it has caused me
> to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
> increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
> people- namely family members/in-laws.
>
> So many scenarios pop into my head about people overstepping boundaries when
> it comes to how I am raising my son, and I really don't want to spend his
> infant years arguing. Of course, the first thing that I would do is not
> necessarily broadcast our choices to others but some choices are going to be
> pretty obvious- for example- circumcision. DO NOT MAKE MY THREAD INTO A
> CIRC debate!
>
> Anyway, how do you handle naysayers and the like to your parenting method
> without "raising the stakes?" The people who would be the most outspoken
> are also the most bullheaded (go figure) so trying to educate them or cite
> statistics is really a mute point- it has been tried in other circumstances
> to no avail. What I need are practical ways to say "It is not OK for you
> to be criticizing me, my choices, etc." I don't want to get into an
> argument or stoop to their level with rude comebacks- I just want to
> effectively put them in their place which I guess sounds mean, but their
> comments are usually mean and backbiting.
people can't argue with people who won't argue back -- DO NOT EXPLAIN
anything more than once -- if an in law say 'oh, are you still breast
feeding?' simply say 'oh my doctor suggests that a year is minimum' and
then NEVER AGAIN discuss it. [don't assume the first question is hostile
-- but later ones are] If it is brought up, change the subject, listen
but don't comment, leave the room [to get something, do a chore, go to the
bathroom etc] Just don't rise to the bait.
And don't flounce out of the room, stomp around or acted upset -- just be
bored by it, or have other things to do, or faintly amused by it.
Adopt a general demeanor of amusement when the carpers begin. Use neutral
comments like 'oh,' or 'we'll have to think about that' or 'well, this is
the way we have decided to do it' --- and then change the subject or
absent yourself. YOU do NOT need to 'explain' that 'this is my baby and
my choice' Explaining is a sign of weakness and insecurity. A secure
adult Mom just does what she thinks is right and pretty much let's
busybodies stew in their own juices. And if you can manage it, it doesn't
hurt to laugh when fun is being made of some choice you have made --
And remember, that some of these folks may have helpful advice -- nothing
wrong with listening or even asking for points of view -- every relative
is not necessarily an enemy because you feel insecure about child
rearing. You need not DO anything you are not comfortable with -- and you
DO NOT need to explain your choices. Certainly not more than once.
>
> This has really been worrying me as of late- I would just as soon avoid
> these people than try to justify my choices to them. What generally
> happens is that one person will make a negative comment, and then another
> person will make a joke and then they are laughing about it. (the scenario
> this often occurs with are my two doofus brothers whom I love dearly but we
> are SO different)
>
> Nothing has happened recently, but I am just steeling myself for "attitude"
> after my son is born. Is it too late to move out of state???
also not a bad idea LOL -- seriously -- find the doofuses mildly sad and
amusing -- who cares what they think? don't play their game as 'victim'
Esther Paris
cloth versus disposable, and any other issue you can
name.
If they care enough, they'll find a way to find out.
If they do, call them "nosey" and say "MYOB NYAH NYAH
A BOO BOO" and walk away.
The way I raise my kids only applies to my kids,
my self, my husband, and the pediatrician. Eventually
some of it influences school, if you go the public
school route (versus home school).
My mom knows some of our choices. No one but
those directly involved (see list above) know the
other choices.
Good luck.
Esther
Jane Elizabeth
"Esther Paris" <par...@home.com> wrote in message
news:3B66C40C...@home.com...
Yeah, keep "privates" private! ;-)
I'd have to agree, for the most part, and add that what I *thought*
would be an issue with certain people turned out to be a non-issue.
Friends and family who've watched my son (changed his diapers, etc.)
have never brought it up. I've never felt the need to justify my choice
to anyone I know.
My only *issue* is with pediatricians who seem poorly informed on how to
care for the penis in its natural state!
Jane
mom to Zeff (10/27/99) and edd 10/01/01
T68b
>
i agree.....
but, when you're with family(sisters, brothers, parents etc) does no one else
change your baby's diaper??????
i know when we all get together, everyone helps with everyone else's kids.....i
cant imagine keeping a baby's penis "private" forever!!!! ;)
kathi
Ericka Kammerer
JC wrote:
> Anyway, how do you handle naysayers and the like to your parenting method
> without "raising the stakes?" The people who would be the most outspoken
> are also the most bullheaded (go figure) so trying to educate them or cite
> statistics is really a mute point- it has been tried in other circumstances
> to no avail. What I need are practical ways to say "It is not OK for you
> to be criticizing me, my choices, etc." I don't want to get into an
> argument or stoop to their level with rude comebacks- I just want to
> effectively put them in their place which I guess sounds mean, but their
> comments are usually mean and backbiting.
Well, it kind of depends on the person. There are two kinds
of people who criticize choices (for the most part). One kind
of person is usually a pretty nice and reasonable person who just
feels *very* strongly about a particular issue. I find that the
fastest way to keep these people all over your case is to get
defensive with them. If you do that, they'll stop at nothing
to try to win you over to their side. However, if you listen
politely to the short version, and then say something like,
"Thank you for that information, and we'll be sure to take it
into consideration/discuss it with our pediatrician when we're
making our decision," they usually back down. If they keep
bringing the subject up, just keep changing the subject, or,
if need be, walk away. They can't natter on forever without
your cooperation.
The other kind of person is the control
freak who will always find *something* to criticize and who
will always say something about it. Those people, you just
have to train to stay off your back. Don't ever engage them.
Pay as little attention as you can, and don't respond, or
respond only with non-responses ("I'll keep it in mind." "That's
interesting."). Change the subject. Walk away. If you're
in their home, leave as soon as they start with criticisms
you can't stop with a change of subject or a non-response.
You can't beat them at their own game, but you can make
the game unproductive
> This has really been worrying me as of late- I would just as soon avoid
> these people than try to justify my choices to them. What generally
> happens is that one person will make a negative comment, and then another
> person will make a joke and then they are laughing about it. (the scenario
> this often occurs with are my two doofus brothers whom I love dearly but we
> are SO different)
With someone as close as brothers, I'd start by telling
them that it hurts your feelings when they do that. After that,
just leave if it starts up. If it's an interfering mother
or mother-in-law, I'd start by saying you value their input
and are interested in hearing their views, and you'll take
them into consideration, but you need them to respect that
the child-rearing choices are ultimately yours and that it
is hurtful if they are constantly criticizing your decisions.
And, again, if they can hear that and still make a deliberate
choice to keep beating up on you, then you remove yourself
from the situation whenever the ugliness crops up.
You can't change other people, and you generally
can't win by trying to get them to change their minds
(which really is just as arrogant as them browbeating
you to change your mind anyway). What you *CAN* do is
refuse to allow them to treat you disrespectfully, because
they can't do that without your cooperation. Most people
learn very quickly if the price of your company is for
them to lay off. It also works much better if you can
go in each time with a willing spirit--happy to see them,
and happy to be there as long as they behave themselves.
And, of course, that's easier to do when you know you have
an exit strategy and that you're not going to just sit there
and let them beat up on you. If you go in expecting trouble,
you're going to find it for sure.
The bottom line is that you just need to be secure
in your own choices. When you are, you can listen to other
people's input and consider it faithfully and keep it in
perspective. When you do that, you project an entirely
different attitude, and pretty soon, people stop messing
with you. They know you're going to hear their piece,
weigh it fairly, and then you're going to do what you feel
is best and that's that.
Good luck,
Ericka
--
The return address on this message works, but it goes to an
account I weed out only on occasion. To send me email, send to
my first name dot my last name at home dot com
and watch the spelling ;-)
Sophie
>adult Mom just does what she thinks is right and pretty much let's
>busybodies stew in their own juices
Bingo. Yep the more you explain the more it looks like you're trying to
convince yourself. :) If you're secure in what you're doing, just do it.
As for the c*rc issue, Patrick is done, however I have several English
friends and one Kiwi friend (they all have boys) and I've asked them if
their sons were and *no one* was offended and it turned into a really
fascinating discussion. Don't assume that cos someone asks something it's
to be offensive or to criticize. They could just be genuinely interested.
--
Sophie
mom to Charlotte (6/98)
Patrick (11/99)
#3 due 12/20
See us at www.mcgehees.com
Tara Danielle
I compare them to somebody they do not like
If my mom says I should do X, I say Oh you sound like "despised persn's
name"
Passive aggressive but it helps :-)
I also say "You got to choose everything for me, and we get to choose
everything for Zander."
They're very insulted because we're OK, no food allergies, no SIDS, didn't
have car seats , and we want everything done the "New Mother" way.
Tara
JC
: My mother has no need to know if my son is circed
: or intact. So, I don't give out the information.
: My father has no need either. So, I don't give out
: the information. Nor do my son's paternal grandparents
: have a need to know. Nor aunts, uncles, cousins,
: neighbors, school teachers, etc.
How often do you see your family though? Despite them being boneheads
(mainly b/c they are older and hate to see little sister be a "rebel"), we
are pretty close to my family and also see creepy in-laws often. My mom
will not be a problem at all! ;-) Although I am sure others might help
change diapers, etc. which is where I would be worried. I agree with you
on keeping private business private- how do you deflect questions though?
JC
Jane Elizabeth <sieg...@nospam.texas.net> wrote in message
news:PDz97.47865$Cu6.3...@bin3.nnrp.aus1.giganews.com...
: Yeah, keep "privates" private! ;-)
:
: I'd have to agree, for the most part, and add that what I *thought*
: would be an issue with certain people turned out to be a non-issue.
: Friends and family who've watched my son (changed his diapers, etc.)
: have never brought it up. I've never felt the need to justify my choice
: to anyone I know.
That is great! Keep your fingers crossed for me that will be my secenario.
How do you think you would have handled a comment if one was made?
: My only *issue* is with pediatricians who seem poorly informed on how to
: care for the penis in its natural state!
:
I interviewed one pediatrician and asked him about circumcision. His reply
was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
Sophie
His reply
>was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
I understand what you're saying (that's not the Dr for you). But I still
find that weird. Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
JC
hamilton <hami...@dnvln.com> wrote in message
news:hamilton-310...@host-209-214-112-169.bna.bellsouth.net...
: In article <qhz97.10414$0w3.1...@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net>,
: "JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
:
:
: people can't argue with people who won't argue back -- DO NOT EXPLAIN
: anything more than once -- if an in law say 'oh, are you still breast
: feeding?' simply say 'oh my doctor suggests that a year is minimum' and
: then NEVER AGAIN discuss it. [don't assume the first question is hostile
: -- but later ones are] If it is brought up, change the subject, listen
: but don't comment, leave the room [to get something, do a chore, go to the
: bathroom etc] Just don't rise to the bait.
: And don't flounce out of the room, stomp around or acted upset -- just be
: bored by it, or have other things to do, or faintly amused by it.
Good suggestion! Usually I am so flabbergasted about how invasive people
can be- (I am always biting my tongue when others talk about their choices
that I don't agree with) that I am totally blown over when it happens to me.
You think I would be used to it!
: Adopt a general demeanor of amusement when the carpers begin. Use neutral
: comments like 'oh,' or 'we'll have to think about that' or 'well, this is
: the way we have decided to do it' --- and then change the subject or
: absent yourself. YOU do NOT need to 'explain' that 'this is my baby and
: my choice' Explaining is a sign of weakness and insecurity. A secure
: adult Mom just does what she thinks is right and pretty much let's
: busybodies stew in their own juices. And if you can manage it, it doesn't
: hurt to laugh when fun is being made of some choice you have made --
:
Exactly. I don't want to go into explanation.
And remember, that some of these folks may have helpful advice -- nothing
: wrong with listening or even asking for points of view -- every relative
: is not necessarily an enemy because you feel insecure about child
: rearing. You need not DO anything you are not comfortable with -- and you
: DO NOT need to explain your choices. Certainly not more than once.
: >
Aboslutely! What I am talking about are comments like, "OH-don't buy into
that crap that you aren't a real woman unless you nurse." "Don't you know
an episiotomy is to prevent hemmrhoids?" I am not kidding! Neither of
these times was I volunteering info- well, nursing I was. That was an
exchange with my brother whose wife had little success with #1 and nursing,
and she did try with their twins as well. I think it had a lot to do with
their frustration of it not working combined with the fact that I honestly
think he was worried about me flashing my boobs out all the time! LOL! Our
cousin did that to him, and he was mortally uncomfortable. Ok- enough of
an aside.
Anyway, I think a good option would be for me to ask whomever to elaborate
on why they feel how they do and really try to understand- foster a
discussion not me explaining just a "Wow! I never thought of that." I think
most people want to feel validated for their choices- I know I do so unless
I know they are just being catty, I might try to assume that they have our
best interests at heart.
: > This has really been worrying me as of late- I would just as soon avoid
: > these people than try to justify my choices to them. What generally
: > happens is that one person will make a negative comment, and then
another
: > person will make a joke and then they are laughing about it. (the
scenario
: > this often occurs with are my two doofus brothers whom I love dearly but
we
: > are SO different)
: >
: > Nothing has happened recently, but I am just steeling myself for
"attitude"
: > after my son is born. Is it too late to move out of state???
:
: also not a bad idea LOL -- seriously -- find the doofuses mildly sad and
: amusing -- who cares what they think? don't play their game as 'victim'
:
:
I will. I think I am desperate for approval being the youngest, etc. that I
open myself up for their advice, etc. Then, I feel victimized when I put
myself out there in the first place!!!
Ruthie
his birth. Maybe it's just a regional thing.
--
Ruthie, mom of:
Rachel - January 22, 1998 http://fade.to/rachelbaby
Zach - arriving early on 9/04/01
http://cirrus.spaceports.com/~journey/zach.html
"Sophie" <fakea...@home.com> wrote in message
news:tmdl5i8...@corp.supernews.com...
JC
Ericka Kammerer <eek...@home.com> wrote in message
news:3B66CCBF...@home.com...
:
:
: Well, it kind of depends on the person. There are two kinds
: of people who criticize choices (for the most part). One kind
: of person is usually a pretty nice and reasonable person who just
: feels *very* strongly about a particular issue. I find that the
: fastest way to keep these people all over your case is to get
: defensive with them. If you do that, they'll stop at nothing
: to try to win you over to their side. However, if you listen
: politely to the short version, and then say something like,
: "Thank you for that information, and we'll be sure to take it
: into consideration/discuss it with our pediatrician when we're
: making our decision," they usually back down. If they keep
: bringing the subject up, just keep changing the subject, or,
: if need be, walk away. They can't natter on forever without
: your cooperation.
: The other kind of person is the control
: freak who will always find *something* to criticize and who
: will always say something about it. Those people, you just
: have to train to stay off your back. Don't ever engage them.
: Pay as little attention as you can, and don't respond, or
: respond only with non-responses ("I'll keep it in mind." "That's
: interesting."). Change the subject. Walk away. If you're
: in their home, leave as soon as they start with criticisms
: you can't stop with a change of subject or a non-response.
: You can't beat them at their own game, but you can make
: the game unproductive
So how do you make the graceful exit? What if you have only been there 30
minutes, etc.- how do you get away? With my MIL and SIL (BIL's wife), I
might be "Captive" in some such situations like Christmas although we are
getting a hotel room this year, but we can't leave before dinner. I would
leave to leave as soon as the criticisms start but MIL is SO passive
aggressive, she will start saying "Is something wrong? Why are you leaving
so soon?" Then, she will deny, deny, deny that she said anything.
: The bottom line is that you just need to be secure
: in your own choices. When you are, you can listen to other
: people's input and consider it faithfully and keep it in
: perspective. When you do that, you project an entirely
: different attitude, and pretty soon, people stop messing
: with you. They know you're going to hear their piece,
: weigh it fairly, and then you're going to do what you feel
: is best and that's that.
:
I need to be secure that is for sure! I am going to have to fake it until I
feel it. I am also going to try to avoid acting defensive because that
isn't going to work at all! Thanks for the advice!
JC
Esther Paris
I see some of them several times a year. The ones who
live far away I see less often. They just don't ask.
They see me nursing Baby, so they know I'm nursing.
Maybe they have questions along the lines of "do you have
to have a special diet to nurse a baby?" but don't
ask "why don't you go the easier route with formula?"
No, no one else changes diapers on my son. Just
hubby and I do it so far. I'm at home at the time.
And he can be tough to change, so I don't inflict
that on others.
Those who've seen him don't ask how we came to
the choice we did about his privates.
And in our area, the OBs do the circs unless it's
a religious circ. Don't ask me why. I don't know.
I guess it's because the pedi's aren't licensed
to do surgery in the women's hospital? I have no
idea.
No one asks about bed sharing versus Ferber. No
one asks about home schooling versus public school.
They mainly want to know when/if I'm going back to
work.
Esther
hamilton
> And remember, that some of these folks may have helpful advice -- nothing
> : wrong with listening or even asking for points of view -- every relative
> : is not necessarily an enemy because you feel insecure about child
> : rearing. You need not DO anything you are not comfortable with -- and you
> : DO NOT need to explain your choices. Certainly not more than once.
> : >
> Aboslutely! What I am talking about are comments like, "OH-don't buy into
> that crap that you aren't a real woman unless you nurse." "Don't you know
> an episiotomy is to prevent hemmrhoids?" I am not kidding! Neither of
> these times was I volunteering info- well, nursing I was. That was an
> exchange with my brother whose wife had little success with #1 and nursing,
> and she did try with their twins as well. I think it had a lot to do with
> their frustration of it not working combined with the fact that I honestly
> think he was worried about me flashing my boobs out all the time! LOL! Our
> cousin did that to him, and he was mortally uncomfortable. Ok- enough of
> an aside.
how about 'I am sorry nursing didn't work out for you, but I love it' [a
little passive aggressive but it does confront them with why they are
attacking you]
the episiotomy question just begs for a 'well, no I didn't realize that'
with a laugh at so silly an idea. but it is also a classic -- who cares
what they think -- how exactly is your A****** any of their concern?
JC
circumcision.
: His reply
: >was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
:
: I understand what you're saying (that's not the Dr for you). But I still
: find that weird. Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
: did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
:
: --
mur...@my-deja.com
>I don't know why this has been such an issue lately or why it has caused me
>to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
>increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
>people- namely family members/in-laws.
>
>So many scenarios pop into my head about people overstepping boundaries when
>it comes to how I am raising my son, and I really don't want to spend his
>infant years arguing. Of course, the first thing that I would do is not
>necessarily broadcast our choices to others but some choices are going to be
>pretty obvious- for example- circumcision. DO NOT MAKE MY THREAD INTO A
>CIRC debate!
>
>Anyway, how do you handle naysayers and the like to your parenting method
>without "raising the stakes?" The people who would be the most outspoken
>are also the most bullheaded (go figure) so trying to educate them or cite
>statistics is really a mute point- it has been tried in other circumstances
>to no avail. What I need are practical ways to say "It is not OK for you
>to be criticizing me, my choices, etc." I don't want to get into an
>argument or stoop to their level with rude comebacks- I just want to
>effectively put them in their place which I guess sounds mean, but their
>comments are usually mean and backbiting.
>
I am continually amazed at the number of people (not you, just a
general comment) who give out incredible amounts of personal
information, and then complain because everyone is commenting on or
criticizing them. I think the people making the announcements think
they're providing information, and the listeners think they're being
invited to comment or "help." Unless you choose to give out the
information, there really is no need for everyone to know exactly when
you got pregnant, your due date, what you plan to name your child, how
you plan to deliver, and how you plan to care for your children.
Believe it or not, these are all optional.
Forewarned is forearmed, so you are smart to be anticipating answers.
There really is no need for you to defend anything you do (unless it's
something really blatant), and if you act confident you are much more
likely to either get people to back off or not to start in on you in
the first place. You also don't have to respond to goofy comments;
that's just setting yourself up. (And people will point out that your
child is too big, too small, too bald for a girl, too curly headed for
a boy, or whatever. What are you supposed to do about that? You
probably should also practice not rolling your eyes!) Neither do you
have to respond to naysayers; they are entitled to their opinions, but
you don't have to be drawn into arguments with them.
The general comments other posters have suggested are great; an
indication that you are willing to listen (at least to a certain
extent) but a vague statement that doesn't commit you to anything is
usually a good way of getting people to leave you alone. If you make
speeches you are just likely to make yourself look unsure of what you
are doing; better to quietly do what you think is best. By all means
stop people who attempt to do things you strongly disagree with. If,
for example, your mother insists on trying to feed your 1-month-old
cereal and you disagree with it, just say, "she's not getting solids
before 6 months. Doctor's orders." End of discussion. (That's the hard
part -- just refusing to be drawn into anything).
Lynne
JC
See there is the difference- family members will be the main baby-sitters of
our son. It may not be a problem at all. I will be a SAHM, but when DH and
I have an event or want a date night, my mom or SIL will probably be the
ones called to duty, and neither of them are the potential problems.
However when one of my nephews was born, my brother actually asked my SIL
(other brother's wife) when he was getting his "little snip." I guess
nothing is sacred in my family! LOL!
Naomi Lynne Pardue
> I don't know why this has been such an issue lately or why it has caused me
> to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
> increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
> people- namely family members/in-laws.
Don't assume the worst. While we get a lot of stories posted here about
people overstepping boundaries, it is not guaranteed to happen. FWIW, I
can't recall a SINGLE critical comment from family or friends or strangers
about how I chose to raise my daughter. At most I got the occassional
question ("Is she on cereal yet?" at 2 months, "Are you sure she's warm
enough?" from strangers concerned about her lack of shoes/hat in
mid-spring.) While we didn't do much that was too far out of mainstream
(didn't co-sleep, didn't bf much past one year), we never heard any
critical comments.
Naomi
Circe
>
>JC said: >I interviewed one pediatrician and asked him about circumcision.
>His reply
>>was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
>
>I understand what you're saying (that's not the Dr for you). But I still
>find that weird. Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
>did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
Well, the OB did Julian's circumcision, for what that's worth. Some of the peds
do 'em and some don't; I guess it's just a division of labor that our medical
group has worked out for whatever reason. It also wasn't done until he was 14
days old. The conventional wisdom around here now seems to be that it's best to
wait until the baby is a bit older, feeding is well established, and baby is
obviously healthy.
If Gamma's a boy, we *won't* be circumcizing him. I no longer believe it's
necessary or desirable and the circ rate is so low here now (37%) that circ'ed
boys are actually in the minority.
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [7/22/97], Aurora [7/19/99], and Gamma's [EDD: 3/7/02] mom)
Sophie
>his birth. Maybe it's just a regional thing.
Hhmm, would it depend on your insurance or something too?
hamilton
"JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
sometimes you just have to put up with a certain amount of crap -- but it
is easier if you don't respond -- and even in someone's home like this,
you can get up and go to another room [they may think you have a bladder
infection but a pregnant woman and a new mother can always head for the
bathroom to absent themselves] And if the MIL is on your case, you can go
watch football with the men. And two can play the passive agressive game
-- she wins if you have to start explaining why you are leaving earlier
than expected -- you can just keep blandly saying 'oh of course not -- we
just need to be getting home'
a technique I used with a particular passive agressive Aunt was to put in
words what she implied e.g. 'are you STILL nursing that child' = 'oh you
think it is dangerous for a baby if his mother nurses him longer than 6
months?'
'why some people think they have to work these days when they have
children'= 'you think I am a bad mother because I teach?' Passive
aggressive people often don't like to confront themselves and a little of
this tends to assist these twerps in repressing their hostility.
I watched a cousin respond to her mother who said for the zillionth time
'that little apartment you and Paul had could have been so cute' with =
'you think I divorced Paul because I was a bad housekeeper?' [exactly
what she was implying i.e. that somehow their marriage had broken up
because she wasn't the perfect housewife her mother had been -- but of
course nonsensical since it was my cousin who had ended the marriage]
JC
:
: > And remember, that some of these folks may have helpful advice --
That is good!
: the episiotomy question just begs for a 'well, no I didn't realize that'
: with a laugh at so silly an idea. but it is also a classic -- who cares
: what they think -- how exactly is your A****** any of their concern?
:
Can you believe that one? I was at a complete loss in the face of such
ignorance. LOL!
:
Sophie
>probably should also practice not rolling your eyes!
LOL. Love it.
Mom2Many.com
> Explaining is a sign of weakness and insecurity. A secure
> adult Mom just does what she thinks is right and pretty much let's
> busybodies stew in their own juices.
Getting defensive is a sign of weakness and insecurity. There's nothing
wrong with explaining if it might enlighten, especially if you hope for
support or favors from them, like babysitting.
Anita
JC
<mur...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:3b66d40e...@news.supernews.com...
: On Tue, 31 Jul 2001 14:29:42 GMT, "JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
:
: I am continually amazed at the number of people (not you, just a
: general comment) who give out incredible amounts of personal
: information, and then complain because everyone is commenting on or
: criticizing them. I think the people making the announcements think
: they're providing information, and the listeners think they're being
: invited to comment or "help." Unless you choose to give out the
: information, there really is no need for everyone to know exactly when
: you got pregnant, your due date, what you plan to name your child, how
: you plan to deliver, and how you plan to care for your children.
: Believe it or not, these are all optional.
I ABSOLUTELY agree! I should have made it clear in my post- that I am not
going to be volutneering any information for that reason- people think that
gives them a say. I used to be a "sharer," but I learned my lesson. My
worry is about people who ask really personal questions, etc. like, "Are you
having him circumcised?" or " What do you plan to do about....<insert some
controversial topic which you know the questioner has an opposite view."
: Forewarned is forearmed, so you are smart to be anticipating answers.
: There really is no need for you to defend anything you do (unless it's
: something really blatant), and if you act confident you are much more
: likely to either get people to back off or not to start in on you in
: the first place. You also don't have to respond to goofy comments;
: that's just setting yourself up. (And people will point out that your
: child is too big, too small, too bald for a girl, too curly headed for
: a boy, or whatever. What are you supposed to do about that? You
: probably should also practice not rolling your eyes!) Neither do you
: have to respond to naysayers; they are entitled to their opinions, but
: you don't have to be drawn into arguments with them.
:
: The general comments other posters have suggested are great; an
: indication that you are willing to listen (at least to a certain
: extent) but a vague statement that doesn't commit you to anything is
: usually a good way of getting people to leave you alone. If you make
: speeches you are just likely to make yourself look unsure of what you
: are doing; better to quietly do what you think is best. By all means
: stop people who attempt to do things you strongly disagree with. If,
: for example, your mother insists on trying to feed your 1-month-old
: cereal and you disagree with it, just say, "she's not getting solids
: before 6 months. Doctor's orders." End of discussion. (That's the hard
: part -- just refusing to be drawn into anything).
:
Thank for you advice! I definitely don't want to play the "defend your
choices" role.
JC
Naomi Lynne Pardue <npa...@steel.ucs.indiana.edu> wrote in message
news:9k6liu$rrb$1...@jetsam.uits.indiana.edu...
Thanks for a positive spin on this Naomi! I really hope people can keep
their boundaries, but I think some are just going to need those boundaries
better defined for them.
Sophie
peds
>do 'em and some don't; I guess it's just a division of labor that our
medical
>group has worked out for whatever reason.
That's interesting. I assumed Julian wasn't done.
>It also wasn't done until he was 14
>days old. The conventional wisdom around here now seems to be that it's
best to
>wait until the baby is a bit older, feeding is well established, and baby
is
>obviously healthy.
Didn't know that.
>If Gamma's a boy, we *won't* be circumcizing him. I no longer believe it's
>necessary or desirable and the circ rate is so low here now (37%) that
circ'ed
>boys are actually in the minority.
>Be well, Barbara
I agree with that. I think when our kids are in school there will be as
many boys who are done as not done. Also we're a pretty international bunch
(my friends in real life I mean) so we might even have more that *aren't*
done.
Jkknfollett
You sound just like I did before my son was born. I was worried about the
breasfeeding in front of people (family mainly) because I was the first in my
family to breastfeed. Also the circ topic too -- we knew we weren't having it
done and I DID tell my mom and dad ahead of time. My dad got on the phone and
tried talking me out of it! I was SO mad but calmly explained that I wasn't
changing my mind and he never said another word about it. He's the only one to
verbally disagree with me.
As far as family members, friends, etc. The topic of all my parenting choices
have come up more than once. IT seems that I tend to do things differently than
most I know. :) Not just breasfeeding, and leaving Noah intact but we co-slept,
I carried Noah ALL the time, Im really picky about what goes in my kids mouths
(no junk!) And some people think its weird but aren't rude about it.
It used to bother me but I got over it real quick. If you are secure with your
decisions and choices, that will come across to others andafter awhile they
will get the hint. Maybe question at first, but tell them the truth, WHY you
made that decision and that should be the end of it. At least thats the way it
is for me and my family.
I hope that helps :) Good luck!
Kari
mom to Kaylie (5) and Noah (2)
hamilton
"Mom2Many.com" <sah...@SENDNOSPAMhome.com> wrote:
and you snipped the part in the same post about not explaining MORE THAN
ONCE because? it IS defensive if it is repeated.
JC
: sometimes you just have to put up with a certain amount of crap -- but it
: is easier if you don't respond -- and even in someone's home like this,
: you can get up and go to another room [they may think you have a bladder
: infection but a pregnant woman and a new mother can always head for the
: bathroom to absent themselves] And if the MIL is on your case, you can go
: watch football with the men. And two can play the passive agressive game
: -- she wins if you have to start explaining why you are leaving earlier
: than expected -- you can just keep blandly saying 'oh of course not -- we
: just need to be getting home'
:
: a technique I used with a particular passive agressive Aunt was to put in
: words what she implied e.g. 'are you STILL nursing that child' = 'oh you
: think it is dangerous for a baby if his mother nurses him longer than 6
: months?'
: 'why some people think they have to work these days when they have
: children'= 'you think I am a bad mother because I teach?' Passive
: aggressive people often don't like to confront themselves and a little of
: this tends to assist these twerps in repressing their hostility.
:
is, "Oh you seem to have an issue with <insert whatever comment they just
made>. Why don't you tell me about that?" The problem is that MIL will
deny, deny and if pressed will run away i.e. leave the room. She does NOT
like to be confronted. My DH agrees with an approach similar to what you
said- he said that if she goes off and cries that is HER problem, and he
said it might take several times of doing this, but that it is NOT ok for
her to keep treating me this way. It is nice to have the support of your
husband with stuff like this- it is rare I know!
OK- good tools, I am filing them away!
JC
hamilton
"JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote:
and remember that often people ask questions to 'show interest' or make
conversation -- nothing wrong with discussing choices as long as it
doesn't lead to argument or hassling that you aren't comfortable with.
strangers or casual acquaintances who ask about cereal, or breast feeding
or whatever ar just relating to you with what they know -- I found that
many would comment 'well, they just do new things all the time -- it was
certianly different when my babies were small' without rancor or criticism
-- just amusement at how these fads change from generation to generation.
JC
Jkknfollett <jkknf...@cs.comfake> wrote in message
news:20010731123214...@mb-mh.news.cs.com...
: JC --
:
: You sound just like I did before my son was born. I was worried about the
: breasfeeding in front of people (family mainly) because I was the first in
my
: family to breastfeed. Also the circ topic too -- we knew we weren't having
it
: done and I DID tell my mom and dad ahead of time. My dad got on the phone
and
: tried talking me out of it! I was SO mad but calmly explained that I
wasn't
: changing my mind and he never said another word about it. He's the only
one to
: verbally disagree with me.
Kari,
Thanks for your input! That did help!
JC
Ericka Kammerer
JC wrote:
> So how do you make the graceful exit? What if you have only been there 30
> minutes, etc.- how do you get away?
"I'm so sorry, but we have to leave now. See you soon!"
You don't have to make excuses. You just leave. If they press
you on the issue, you just repeat that you have to go. The moment
you cave and give an explanation, you're sunk.
> With my MIL and SIL (BIL's wife), I
> might be "Captive" in some such situations like Christmas although we are
> getting a hotel room this year, but we can't leave before dinner. I would
> leave to leave as soon as the criticisms start but MIL is SO passive
> aggressive, she will start saying "Is something wrong? Why are you leaving
> so soon?" Then, she will deny, deny, deny that she said anything.
That's why you *can't* give a reason. If you're going
into a situation where you're going to be captive, plan your
strategy in advance. Arrive as late as you can get away
with so you minimize the time before dinner. If it gets
really bad, plan an excuse--someone doesn't feel good,
emergency pager goes off, emergency phone call, whatever.
An ear-splitting headache that requires you to go back
to the hotel room will do, if necessary. Yes, it might
start to look odd if you develop a bad headache within
the first hour every time you visit them, but if they
see through it, all the better ;-) If MIL starts up with
asking questions, DON'T FALL FOR IT! Simply keep repeating
that you have to go and leave. And, of course, it goes
without saying that DH needs to be in on the plan and
working it with you (and definitely NOT giving in to
his mother). Just move fast. You need to be out the
door before she can work up serious histrionics. If
you know you can't leave, don't threaten it. Have a
backup plan. Maybe you can have a headache that requires
you to lie down in a back bedroom and leave DH to deal
with his mother and keep her away from you.
> : The bottom line is that you just need to be secure
> : in your own choices. When you are, you can listen to other
> : people's input and consider it faithfully and keep it in
> : perspective. When you do that, you project an entirely
> : different attitude, and pretty soon, people stop messing
> : with you. They know you're going to hear their piece,
> : weigh it fairly, and then you're going to do what you feel
> : is best and that's that.
> :
> I need to be secure that is for sure! I am going to have to fake it until I
> feel it. I am also going to try to avoid acting defensive because that
> isn't going to work at all!
That's the key! And as you go further down the pike,
you'll find that you are *more* open to hearing other people's
opinions *because* you are confident in your choices AND
confident in your ability to change your mind and do something
different if you hear a better idea--because you won't feel
like changing your mind is a sign of weakness. Just keep
in mind that no matter what they say or do, YOU are in control
of this. YOU are making the decisions. THEY have no power
over your son, and they don't get to make any of the
decisions. You hold all the cards here, so you can afford to
be generous. All they can do is bug you about it, but between
being willing to listen to them as long as they don't overstep
their bounds, and leaving when they *do* overstep their bounds,
you have totally de-fanged them.
Good luck,
Ericka
--
The return address on this message works, but it goes to an
account I weed out only on occasion. To send me email, send to
my first name dot my last name at home dot com
and watch the spelling ;-)
hamilton
jkknf...@cs.comfake (Jkknfollett) wrote:
> JC --
>
> You sound just like I did before my son was born. I was worried about the
> breasfeeding in front of people (family mainly) because I was the first in my
> family to breastfeed. Also the circ topic too -- we knew we weren't having it
> done and I DID tell my mom and dad ahead of time. My dad got on the phone and
> tried talking me out of it! I was SO mad but calmly explained that I wasn't
> changing my mind and he never said another word about it. He's the only one to
> verbally disagree with me.
I think parents are perfectly entitled to try to persuade their adult
children on such matters -- what is not acceptable is that they keep
nagging continuously -- your Dad felt strongly and clearly made his case
to you -- that is both his right and probably his obligation -- and then
he shut up -- which is also what you have a right to expect.
Doulamom
wrote on 7/31/01 11:11 AM:
> JC said: >I interviewed one pediatrician and asked him about circumcision.
> His reply
>> was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
>
> I understand what you're saying (that's not the Dr for you). But I still
> find that weird. Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
> did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
>
Because OB's are surgeons and cir*umcision is surgery. IME, I've had one OB
do it and one FP doc. It is regional also. I have friends in certain areas
of the country where all the ped's do it and in others where only OB's do.
Karen
C & C
People have mostly said this already, but no matter what *someone* whether its
family, friends, strangers, will always have something to say about your
parenting choices...of course its worse when family are harping on you and being
critical, and thats when its the hardest to stay neutral. So I think the main
thing is to get very comfortable and set with your decisions and then stay as
polite, but firm in your ways as possible. Then when people have comments about
the way you're doing things, you can politely say 'oh, thats a good point,'
'hmmmm', 'I'm pretty happy with my decision to do ______, but thanks for the
info.' etc. Now if/when people start getting *really* adamant about certain
things, you can then engage them in the topic in a non-threatening way, such as
'oh, so you have strong feelings about 'circ, breastfeeding, whatever the
issue'? Did you read 'x book'? I found it really interesting that 'whatever
interesting point made in book that reinforces your view'.' That way you act
like you're interested in the topic too, and then politely show that you've done
a ton of reading and research on it and in that sense you beat them at their own
game because you'll out-smart them. You'll know all the pros and cons about the
topic in question while they will probably have no *facts* to back up their
statements, just silly criticism.
cara
Esther Paris
>
> "Don't you know
> an episiotomy is to prevent hemmrhoids?"
I wish!!!!
Esther
Kay Connelly
C & C wrote:
> Now if/when people start getting *really* adamant about certain
> things, you can then engage them in the topic in a non-threatening way, such as
> 'oh, so you have strong feelings about 'circ, breastfeeding, whatever the
> issue'? Did you read 'x book'? I found it really interesting that 'whatever
> interesting point made in book that reinforces your view'.' That way you act
> like you're interested in the topic too, and then politely show that you've done
> a ton of reading and research on it and in that sense you beat them at their own
> game because you'll out-smart them. You'll know all the pros and cons about the
> topic in question while they will probably have no *facts* to back up their
> statements, just silly criticism.
Yup, and they may STILL disagree with you (in a nasty way). I think
most of the advice given about this topic has been great. And for that
one person who is happy with nothing less than you changing your ways,
(and you're evil incarnate if you don't), forget about them. We have one
relative with whom we are not on speaking terms because she simply
won't speak to us with any degree of civility, and gets mad when we show
that we have done a lot of research about our choices. Funny too, she
is child-free and plans to stay that way. But somehow, she is positive she
knows what is best for our son. Oh well. Life goes on :)
Kay
Sophie
>do it and one FP doc. It is regional also. I have friends in certain areas
>of the country where all the ped's do it and in others where only OB's do.
>Karen
Ah okay. Thanks. Also I forget it might also be a military hospital thing
to have pediatricians do it too.
T68b
>did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
An OB is considered a surgeon. Here, either or both can do it--depending on if
the pedi wants to......
kathi
Mary S.
> : Friends and family who've watched my son (changed his diapers, etc.)
> : have never brought it up. I've never felt the need to justify my choice
> : to anyone I know.
> :
> That is great! Keep your fingers crossed for me that will be my secenario.
> How do you think you would have handled a comment if one was made?
I've been able to squelch my parents quite easily (on a variety of
issues) with a polite and pleasantly disdainful, "Oh, they don't do that
anymore."
Maybe if someone puts up an argument or starts to give counter-reasons,
you could give a surprised, "Wow, don't you ever read Dr. Dean Edell?"
and say no more. Either of these comments puts the "proof" burden on
some other authorities' shoulders, so it's not like this is all your
idea and you have to defend anything. You're just following orders, so
to speak. It also gets you out of having to reply with any substantive
argument, because if they continue to give reasons, you can just say,
"Go read his web site -- it's a real eye-opener," or, "Nope, the
hospital said not to," etc.
In other words, don't reply to the arguments, and don't get into the
"why" debates -- just reply such that they would have to go to the
sources themselves to continue the discussion. Maybe you can cultivate
the amused, "Wow, it's so cute that your generation/family/area of the
country still believes those old myths" facial expression as you say
it.
Mary S.
--
Mary Sweathe
San Francisco, CA
H Schinske
>Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
>did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
>
Because they have way more surgical training. Obstetrics is a surgical
specialty, pediatrics isn't.
--Helen
Sophie
>specialty, pediatrics isn't.
>--Helen
I personally had no problem with Patrick's pediatrician doing it but can you
say no, that you want the OB to do it, even if the OB isn't the one who is
supposed to do it?
H Schinske
>>specialty, pediatrics isn't.
>>--Helen
>
>I personally had no problem with Patrick's pediatrician doing it but can you
>say no, that you want the OB to do it, even if the OB isn't the one who is
>supposed to do it?
I *think* it depends on their contract with the hospital. I don't know for
sure, but I bet their malpractice insurance is set up so that if they practice
outside the scope of what they contract to do with the hospital, they might not
be covered. Or the regular insurance might kick up a fuss about their doing it
and not reimburse them.
--Helen
Sophie
>sure, but I bet their malpractice insurance is set up so that if they
practice
>outside the scope of what they contract to do with the hospital, they might
not
>be covered. Or the regular insurance might kick up a fuss about their doing
it
>and not reimburse them.
>--Helen
Ah okay. Makes sense.
Julii Brainard
> but, when you're with family(sisters, brothers, parents etc) does no one else
> change your baby's diaper??????
> i know when we all get together, everyone helps with everyone else's kids.....i
> cant imagine keeping a baby's penis "private" forever!!!! ;)
Yeah, but I can't imagine anyone asking why I didn't circ the kid. I
can't imagine anyone caring or even noticing!! And yes, I am American
even if I live in the UK, my family have mostly seen DS's uncirc'd willy
and noone said a thing; I've no idea what the norm, if any, is in my
(vast) family, though.
My MIL sometimes makes comments to the effect that she's read somewhere
that newborns & babies sleep best in their own rooms from birth, that
she did that, that her babies slept great. She never says it directly,
but I presume she found it bizarre that we co-slept. I know I was so
exhausted my newborn would have starved if I had to get up and go to
another room in the middle of the night to feed the poor thing, so it's
pretty easy to say as much and that kind of shuts MIL up.
As for advice from my own mother -- my mom spouts so much rubbish on
other topics I can't take her childcare perspectives seriously, either.
There's so much advice on offer to new moms, you really have to develop
poor hearing to stay sane.
--
Julii, Mum to Daniel (b. 2 Nov. 99) and EDD 1.10.01.
Cheryl S.
worry about. I hope the same happens for you. All of both our
families have been great and there has been no need to defend
anything we have done. Try not to worry about it now (easier said
than done I know) and just deal with it as you think best in the
actual situation if it comes up. There's always the old stand-by,
smile, nod, and say "thank you, that's an interesting idea", and
then completely ignore whatever they just said. Eventually they'll
get the hint.
Cheryl S.
mom to Julie 3/19/01
JC wrote:
>
> I don't know why this has been such an issue lately or why it has caused me
> to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
> increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
> people- namely family members/in-laws.
...
> Nothing has happened recently, but I am just steeling myself for "attitude"
> after my son is born. Is it too late to move out of state???
>
> JC
H Schinske
>Yeah, but I can't imagine anyone asking why I didn't circ the kid. I
>can't imagine anyone caring or even noticing!!
I can remember vividly the first time one of my unmarried sisters opened our
nephew's diaper, and said with great surprise, "Oh, he's not circumcised!" She
didn't criticize the choice, in fact she said she thought circumcision was
barbaric. She'd just forgotten the whole issue and was completely *surprised*,
is all.
It is an issue, too, if it turns out that people who may be taking care of him
think they have to force the foreskin back for cleaning, which you NEVER do
(just wipe off the outside).
--Helen
Jackie M.
when it comes to parenting advice from my family... namely a sister who
still lives with my mother, has never held a true 9-to-5 job, doesn't have
to pay rent or utilities, doesn't have children...... YET... she knows it
all! <biting down REALLY hard on my tongue!>
When others begin to comment, I just tune them out (unbeknownst to them)
nod, wait for a break in their spewing, then thank them for sharing their
thoughts and ideas. That's it. I don't even comment anymore (as much as I
could get on a soapbox about it) when they're done. Thanks. That's all.
After a couple of times of doing this with the same folks.... they pretty
much get the hint (except for my 43 year old sister! LOL)
--
Jackie M.
SAHM to four wonderful kids:10 (girl), 8 1/2 (girl),
2 (boy), and 7 months (boy)!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
"JC" <whatr...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:qhz97.10414$0w3.1...@newsread2.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> I don't know why this has been such an issue lately or why it has caused
me
> to say up late losing sleep, but for some reason, I have been growing
> increasingly apprehensive about defending my parenting choices to other
> people- namely family members/in-laws.
>
> So many scenarios pop into my head about people overstepping boundaries
when
> it comes to how I am raising my son, and I really don't want to spend his
> infant years arguing. Of course, the first thing that I would do is not
> necessarily broadcast our choices to others but some choices are going to
be
> pretty obvious- for example- circumcision. DO NOT MAKE MY THREAD INTO A
> CIRC debate!
>
> Anyway, how do you handle naysayers and the like to your parenting method
> without "raising the stakes?" The people who would be the most outspoken
> are also the most bullheaded (go figure) so trying to educate them or cite
> statistics is really a mute point- it has been tried in other
circumstances
> to no avail. What I need are practical ways to say "It is not OK for you
> to be criticizing me, my choices, etc." I don't want to get into an
> argument or stoop to their level with rude comebacks- I just want to
> effectively put them in their place which I guess sounds mean, but their
> comments are usually mean and backbiting.
>
> This has really been worrying me as of late- I would just as soon avoid
> these people than try to justify my choices to them. What generally
> happens is that one person will make a negative comment, and then another
> person will make a joke and then they are laughing about it. (the
scenario
> this often occurs with are my two doofus brothers whom I love dearly but
we
> are SO different)
JC
Jackie M. <pleas...@snet.net> wrote in message
news:iwM97.1984$TI6.1...@typhoon.snet.net...
: I'm sitting here with four kids and trying to find a way off this PLANET
: when it comes to parenting advice from my family... namely a sister who
: still lives with my mother, has never held a true 9-to-5 job, doesn't have
: to pay rent or utilities, doesn't have children...... YET... she knows it
: all! <biting down REALLY hard on my tongue!>
: When others begin to comment, I just tune them out (unbeknownst to them)
: nod, wait for a break in their spewing, then thank them for sharing their
: thoughts and ideas. That's it. I don't even comment anymore (as much as
I
: could get on a soapbox about it) when they're done. Thanks. That's all.
: After a couple of times of doing this with the same folks.... they pretty
: much get the hint (except for my 43 year old sister! LOL)
I have a sister who is very similar to that except that she has two young
adult children from her first marriage, and one 8 yr. old from her second
marriage (she knew the guy a week before marrying him and he turned out to
be a child molester and was convicted as a sex offender). Guess who wants
to give advice on marriage???? Her two oldest children barely speak to
her and refuse to live with her, and the youngest child is constantly
exposed to R rated movies- sexually explicit, violent, whatever, by my
sister who just takes her along when she wants to see something. Guess who
wants to give parenting advice? To her credit- her advice is often opposite
of what she has done, but the advice is unwarranted, unneeded and totally
out of context. I barely have a relationship with her as it is- major age
difference and she is too busy being a freak to have normal relationships-
her latest tantrum was screaming at my brother via phone (he is 38, she is
42) because she was having a fight with her son, and when she called him to
complain, he told her that he wasn't interested, that he had his own kids to
worry about it and that he couldn't help her. What a mean brother? My
brother has spent hours and hours equaling thousands in his billable time
helping her with legal work to straighten out her messes, etc. and she
still plays these emotional blackmail games. Giving advice to her when she
calls and acts like she wants it is useless because she does her own thing
anyway. For her only, the second she starts giving unwanted advice, I plan
on telling her to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself
because I am not interested. I don't care if she gets pissed and leaves-
that would be a blessing.
Cheryl S.
your baby's diaper if it's only wet. If they poop, you get the baby
back pronto. :) Unless you ask them to, they probably won't be
changing diapers for you. If they have such strong expectations
regarding circumcision they may just assume you have done it their
way and not even ask. No need for you to bring up the subject.
Really, I think every time I have worried in advance about how to
handle potential confrontations, either the confrontation never
occurred or the person was much more agreeable than I expected.
Remember, it's *your* son, so your decisions are of monumentally
more importance to you than to anyone else. Not saying they don't
care, just that they are not going to care as much as you do. And
that's how it should be.
Cheryl S.
mom to Julie 3/19/01
JC wrote:
... Although I am sure others might help
> change diapers, etc. which is where I would be worried. I agree with you
> on keeping private business private- how do you deflect questions though?
Cheryl S.
question. Maybe he never realized before that it's optional! All
you say is "when and if he decides he wants to" or "never" or some
other such answer.
mom to Julie 3/19/01
JC wrote:
...
> However when one of my nephews was born, my brother actually asked my SIL
> (other brother's wife) when he was getting his "little snip." I guess
> nothing is sacred in my family! LOL!
JC
attorney." I love him to death, but he gets very freaked out when things
happen that aren't the "norm" in his thinking. You are right though- he
probably won't even ask that. I am not as worried about the circ as much
as that whole having your judgment questioned as a new mom, but a lot of
people have given me some good advice (you included) on this, and I realize
now that I just have to be confident in my decisions.
Cheryl S. <spamf...@address.com> wrote in message
news:3B67EC9C...@address.com...
: I don't see that as anything to get worried about. He just asked a
:
Ann
>Is it too late to move out of state???
That's the advice my brother-in-law gave me when we told him we were
expecting! First tip was: Don't listen to anyone's advice, Second was:
Move away and don't tell anyone where you're going!
But then three months later, when hubby told him that we were
considering cloth he said, "Diapers?!" and started cracking up. Then he
shouted to his wife that we wanted to do cloth and SHE started cracking
up. Sheesh.
I think that's going to be the hot button issue with our families.
Ann
JC
: IME, it never even occurs to other people (except my mom) to change
: your baby's diaper if it's only wet. If they poop, you get the baby
: back pronto. :) Unless you ask them to, they probably won't be
: changing diapers for you. If they have such strong expectations
: regarding circumcision they may just assume you have done it their
: way and not even ask. No need for you to bring up the subject.
I have a pretty tight knit family- lots of nephews and neices. I can see
people changing his diaper when they are baby-sitting, but we aren't going
to make an issue of the whole circ thing and they probably won't either. I
will probably say something though to the sitter just so they know not to
try and force back the foreskin but that would be as we are walking out the
door, etc. I never planned on bringing up the subject say at a family
get-together or anything, but I see your point!
JC
Jessica Lavarnway <j...@lavarnway.mv.com> wrote in message
news:fu5fmt43g4cn5gutc...@4ax.com...
: >Nothing has happened recently, but I am just steeling myself for
"attitude"
: >after my son is born. Is it too late to move out of state???
:
: You think that moving out of state will save you from daily phone
: calls telling you what you're doing wrong with their grandchildren?
:
That was a joke, Jess. I would never move away from my intrusive, obnoxious
family- what would I complain about and who would I have fun with! LOL! I
have 8 nephews and nieces who at times I have been "surrogate" mom to- major
day to day care/help while their moms have been traveling, sick, etc. I
have had excellent examples to draw from- I am not some naive child about to
give birth who thinks all will be peachy. I have lived and seen enough of
the world to know that there are many different philosophies on parenting,
etc. Unfortunately, my family is of the school of ONE methodology and that
is my problem; howver, I am not going to be walked on, abused, criticized,
etc. for my choices. Most of the people (including you) gave me good ways
to handle the invasive questions, etc.
I frankly think most of this drama that I am creating in my mind is from my
horomones getting ready to give birth and the overwhelming need to protect
my child kicking into higher gear than it already was.
Thanks for your thoughts! You really should craft some of that into an
article on new mom strife or something! I thouroughly enjoyed it!
JC
Laura M
delivery.
--
Laura M
step-mom to tommy (8/88), mommy to rebecca (11/94) and jeff (10/00)
"Sophie" <fakea...@home.com> wrote in message
news:tmdl5i8...@corp.supernews.com...
> JC said: >I interviewed one pediatrician and asked him about
circumcision.
> His reply
> >was, "Oh the OB does that." LOL! Never mind then....
>
> I understand what you're saying (that's not the Dr for you). But I still
> find that weird. Of everyone I know whose sons are done, the pediatrician
> did it before they left the hospital. Why would an OB do that?
>
Cheryl S.
hamilton
<pleas...@snet.net> wrote:
> I'm sitting here with four kids and trying to find a way off this PLANET
> when it comes to parenting advice from my family... namely a sister who
> still lives with my mother, has never held a true 9-to-5 job, doesn't have
> to pay rent or utilities, doesn't have children...... YET... she knows it
> all! <biting down REALLY hard on my tongue!>
> When others begin to comment, I just tune them out (unbeknownst to them)
> nod, wait for a break in their spewing, then thank them for sharing their
> thoughts and ideas. That's it. I don't even comment anymore (as much as I
> could get on a soapbox about it) when they're done. Thanks. That's all.
> After a couple of times of doing this with the same folks.... they pretty
> much get the hint (except for my 43 year old sister! LOL)
>
good for you -- the right idea -- but I fear that if I had to put up with
this regularly 'yeah, like you have a clue?' would probably eventually
leap from my lips
we did have ours years before my husband's sibs -- and they generally
didn't hassle us -- but I know that there was a certain amount of
criticism of our parenting [you know how things get back] Now they have
kids and we just smile [especially since ours were nicer and easier to
live with than most of theirs and some of theirs are a real handful] It
looks so much easier to parent at a distance. LOL
Jackie M.
LOL) and have a child (or better yet... twins or more! LOL) and see how
quickly all of her knowledge deflates like a balloon!
--
Jackie M.
SAHM to four wonderful kids:10 (girl), 8 1/2 (girl),
2 (boy), and 8 months (boy)!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
"hamilton" <hami...@dnvln.com> wrote in message
news:hamilton-010...@host-209-214-118-25.bna.bellsouth.net...
Barbara Foster Williams
I know it is with ours. My mom thinks I'm weird for cosleeping, my MIL
thinks bfing longer than a year is weird, but they both agree that cloth
diapering is BEYOND weird.
The two of them get along so well it's scary. When Jamie was born, my
mom was here (staying at our house) for 3 weeks, and my MIL lives here
in town. Not a fight among any of the four of us the whole time (mom,
MIL, me and DH). Truly frightening.
Barbara, mommy to Jamie (7/5/01)
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------
| Barbara Foster Williams |
| bafo...@mindspring.com |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|I wanted a perfect ending..... Now I've learned, the hard way, that |
|some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear |
|beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to |
|change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without |
|knowing what's going to happen next. -Gilda Radner |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ranee Mueller
> My mother has no need to know if my son is circed
> or intact. So, I don't give out the information.
> My father has no need either. So, I don't give out
> the information. Nor do my son's paternal grandparents
> have a need to know. Nor aunts, uncles, cousins,
> neighbors, school teachers, etc.
Here's my question: Do you ever leave your child in their care?
Because if you do, they will know.
Regards,
Ranee
--
Destashing now, e-mail for details.
See my family and some of my finished objects (E-mail me for password to
boys' album) http://albums.photopoint.com/j/Albumlist?u=971548
Ellen Hrebeniuk
> I'm sitting here with four kids and trying to find a way off this PLANET
> when it comes to parenting advice from my family... namely a sister who
> still lives with my mother, has never held a true 9-to-5 job, doesn't
> have to pay rent or utilities, doesn't have children...... YET...
> she knows it all! <biting down REALLY hard on my tongue!>
Long, long ago, I would have told her to give me advice *after* she gets
the experience. But I'm mean :-)
--
Chookie
Sydney, Australia
Mr Prosser... would have a nice little cottage at point D, with axes over
the door... His wife of course wanted climbing roses, but he wanted axes.
-- Douglas Adams, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Ellen Hrebeniuk
hsch...@aol.com (H Schinske) wrote:
> It is an issue, too, if it turns out that people who may be taking care
> of him think they have to force the foreskin back for cleaning, which
> you NEVER do (just wipe off the outside).
Force it back? I can't even see it yet, and DS is nearly 5 months!