Philosophy of George Carlin (Patch Adams)
Tiger Lily
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...
A few statements to ponder..George Carlin Quotes
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
speak-ez
>13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
hmmmmmmm....
tough one....
maybe into an immersion tank?
yes/no/maybe? <g>
=====
lotsa thangs in a big forest besides forest rangers.
fer example:
one day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to
a water hole.
this forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal
in all his life. by chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit
to have for dinner. the frog called for the two to stop.
the frog said "Because you are the only two animals i have seen,
i will grant you both three wishes... bear, you go first."
the bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said
"i wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
for his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately
put it on.
the bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting
his wish like that.
it was the bear's second turn for a wish. "well, i wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."
the rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and
gunned the engine. the bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking
for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money
and bought the motorcycle.
for the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "i wish
that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
the rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "i wish that
the bear was gay..."
JoAnne Clark
<kho...@removeme.telusplanet.net> wrote:
>You can always count on George Carlin to get you thinking..
>For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...
>A few statements to ponder..George Carlin Quotes
>4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
>apes?
Ahhh...but man didn't "evolve from monkeys and apes"...man and apes
evolved from a *common ancestor.*
Forgive me, I'm feeling very literal today. Plus, I never pass up the
opportunity to address this common misconception about the Theory of
Evolution.
JoAnne
-------------------------------------------------------
"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."
-Mark Twain
Tiger Lily
bill
--
k t1 13 yrs
now sending as Tiger Lily
speak-ez <bi...@removeme.lafn.org> wrote in message
news:37e69e30...@news.lafn.org...
Darryl
"Tiger Lily" <kho...@removeme.telusplanet.net> wrote:
> You can always count on George Carlin to get you thinking..
> 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
>
> 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
>
> 46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
>
Oh, yeah. He gets me thinking all right.
He reminds me that when people confuse bumper-sticker cleverness with
philosophy, they also confuse charisma with leadership, and scandal
with news.
Laugh at George Carlin. Enjoy his comedy.
But don't try to tell us he's a philosopher.
The "Thinking Man's Jeff Foxworthy"....I'd buy that one....
Darryl
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.
Danieljsza
>From: mjcl...@REMOVEcvip.fresno.com (JoAnne Clark)
>Date: Mon, 20 September 1999 09:29 PM EDT
>Message-id: <37e6deea...@news.fresno.com>
>
>On Mon, 20 Sep 1999 19:09:04 GMT, "Tiger Lily"
><kho...@removeme.telusplanet.net> wrote:
>
>>You can always count on George Carlin to get you thinking..
>>A few statements to ponder..George Carlin Quotes
>
>
>>4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
>>apes?
>
>Ahhh...but man didn't "evolve from monkeys and apes"...man and apes
>evolved from a *common ancestor.*
>
>Forgive me, I'm feeling very literal today. Plus, I never pass up the
>opportunity to address this common misconception about the Theory of
>Evolution.
>
>JoAnne
>-------------------------------------------------------
> "Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."
>
>-Mark Twain
>
>
>
>
>
>
But where i live in kansas the state borad of Education in all their wisdom (
it got stocked with super right republicans) have declared that evolution is
false and creationism shall be taught in the schools here.
AKA dani...@midkan.net T2 14 yrs(orals for 13 1/2) now on insulin(R+N)
WendyH
> Laugh at George Carlin. Enjoy his comedy.
>
> But don't try to tell us he's a philosopher.
>
> The "Thinking Man's Jeff Foxworthy"....I'd buy that one....
Don't confuse Carlin's comedy with a few of his one-liners taken from a
book. IMNSHO, the man's a comic genius. Listen to some of his longer
rants on government and religion. You may not agree with his philosophy,
you may not like his comedy, but the Thinking Man's Jeff Foxworthy he's not.
Wendy