How should I handle this?
Anny Middon
guests at the party.
People insist on bringing food to the party, despite my repeated requests
that they not do so. I enjoy planning and executing the menu for the party,
which includes a buffet dinner. I am generally considered to be a good
cook, and people enjoy the food I prepare. When people bring an appetizer
or dessert there is too much food at the party. Not to mention I don't have
good places to set all this food, and I really don't need people in my
kitchen trying to heat up their sppetizer (when I'm working on heating up
the team-themed appetizers I've planned) or rooting in my cabinets for
serving dishes and the like. The kitchen as you might expect is full of
guests anyway. (Our kitchen overlooks the family room and there's a good
view of the TV with the game.)
Several years ago I put a note on the invitiation asking people not to bring
food. This sort of worked -- a couple of people brought food anyway. Of
course others saw that some had brought food so they did the next year and
it rapidly spiralled way out of control again.
So this year I put a note on the invitation again -- "Please do not bring
any food to the party. We are happy to provide a buffet dinner and plenty
of snacks." If the wording sounds like I'm bit insulted by the fact that
people bring food when I've asked them not to, it's intentional -- I am a
bit insulted.
Three people brought food to this year's party. One said merely that she
knew she wasn't supposed to bring food but she did so anyway. One brought
cheesecake that they had been given and that her family would never eat.
One brought banana bread because the recipe made two loaves and her family
couldn't eat that much and pretzels because she'd bought the wrong kind and
her family wouldn't eat that kind.
I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim to
be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
garbage?
How do I handle this? How do I ensure that they don't bring food to next
year's party? I feel like it wasn't really polite to put the statement I
did on the invitation -- do I really have to say more on next year's invite?
I'm tempted to say, "Pleae don't bring food to the party. Any food brought
by a guest will be promptly discarded."
OK, I'm venting some with this post. But I really am hoping for some
creative solution to this problem.
Anny
Nick Spalding
on Mon, 06 Feb 2006 18:16:43 GMT:
There are three people you needn't invite next year.
--
Nick Spalding
Rose
"Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote in message
news:foMFf.22615$Jd.1...@newssvr25.news.prodigy.net...
> Every year my husband and I host a Super Bowl party. This year we had 30
> guests at the party.
>
nothing will convince him otherwise. What might be the norm in college
doesn't apply to the real world.
>
> Three people brought food to this year's party. One said merely that she
> knew she wasn't supposed to bring food but she did so anyway. One brought
> cheesecake that they had been given and that her family would never eat.
> One brought banana bread because the recipe made two loaves and her family
> couldn't eat that much and pretzels because she'd bought the wrong kind
> and her family wouldn't eat that kind.
>
Say "Thank you". We'll really enjoy this for dessert tomorrow night. And
then put them away in the cupboard.fridge. Those are hostess gifts, to be
enjoyed by you at your convenience. You are under no obligation to serve
them.
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> Every year my husband and I host a Super Bowl party. This year we had 30
> guests at the party.
> So this year I put a note on the invitation again -- "Please do not bring
> any food to the party. We are happy to provide a buffet dinner and plenty
> of snacks." If the wording sounds like I'm bit insulted by the fact that
> people bring food when I've asked them not to, it's intentional -- I am a
> bit insulted.
You're invitie is a tad rude: a reminder that none are needed is just
fine.
> Three people brought food to this year's party. One said merely that she
> knew she wasn't supposed to bring food but she did so anyway. One brought
> cheesecake that they had been given and that her family would never eat.
> One brought banana bread because the recipe made two loaves and her family
> couldn't eat that much and pretzels because she'd bought the wrong kind and
> her family wouldn't eat that kind.
> I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim to
> be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
> Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
> garbage?
Oh the horors of having freinds bringing gifts!
> How do I handle this? How do I ensure that they don't bring food to next
> year's party? I feel like it wasn't really polite to put the statement I
> did on the invitation -- do I really have to say more on next year's invite?
> I'm tempted to say, "Pleae don't bring food to the party. Any food brought
> by a guest will be promptly discarded."
Sheesh. Smile, say thank you, take the gift and put it away. There is
_no_ obligation to share a hostess gift that is brought to the event.
When folks get used to this, they'll either learn or be glad to get rid of
certain food. Still you should be gracious enough to wait untill they're
out of sight before tossing whatever they've thouightfully brought to you
into the trash.
> OK, I'm venting some with this post. But I really am hoping for some
> creative solution to this problem.
First, don't get hung up on it. Second, don't tell you guests what to do,
but instead tell them what to expect: "we'll be providing a full buffet"
for example. Third, don't get snitty with hostess gifts: take them
graciously and squirell them away. If anyone is boorish enough to ask for
the thing they brought, adopt an air of chagrin that you haven't provided
properly for your guests and try to get them the best you can from what
you've already got. Or, if you positively must, simply thank them and
tell them that the food pantry will simply love thier donation.
This is a miss manners favorite and while she often screws up, she's spot
on with this one.
John
--
Remove the dead poet to e-mail, tho CC'd posts are unwelcome.
Mean People Suck - It takes two deviations to get cool.
Ask me about joining the NRA.
Greg Goss
>I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim to
>be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
>Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
>garbage?
I have a problem with this. I prefer that people find a way to share
food that would otherwise become garbage. I'm not sure how to
arbitrate between the two "goods" here.
--
Tomorrow is today already.
Greg Goss, 1989-01-27
Greg Goss
>"Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
>>I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim to
>>be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
>>Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
>>garbage?
>
>
>I have a problem with this. I prefer that people find a way to share
>food that would otherwise become garbage. I'm not sure how to
>arbitrate between the two "goods" here.
I never saw the Miss Manners answer to this one. Raven and Rose had
the right answer. Squirrel the food away and feed it to the dogs
tomorrow.
When my brother brought wine to our open house on Boxing Day, I felt
guilty that I didn't serve it at that party. But thinking of it as a
generic gift to the hostess simplifies that. We enjoyed it at a
different party three days later.
Boron Elgar
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>Every year my husband and I host a Super Bowl party. This year we had 30
>guests at the party.
>
>People insist on bringing food to the party, despite my repeated requests
>that they not do so.
Snip
>
>Three people brought food to this year's party. One said merely that she
>knew she wasn't supposed to bring food but she did so anyway. One brought
>cheesecake that they had been given and that her family would never eat.
>One brought banana bread because the recipe made two loaves and her family
>couldn't eat that much and pretzels because she'd bought the wrong kind and
>her family wouldn't eat that kind.
>
>I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim to
>be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
>Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
>garbage?
>
>How do I handle this? How do I ensure that they don't bring food to next
>year's party? I feel like it wasn't really polite to put the statement I
>did on the invitation -- do I really have to say more on next year's invite?
>I'm tempted to say, "Pleae don't bring food to the party. Any food brought
>by a guest will be promptly discarded."
>
>OK, I'm venting some with this post. But I really am hoping for some
>creative solution to this problem.
>
>Anny
>
Smile, say to your friends, "Thank you, but really, you shouldn't
have."
There are certain people who feel it would be unkind and unmannered to
arrive empty handed. For some, this is cultural. There is little you
can do to prevent this, as you have tried the obvious repeatedly and
it is not foolproof. Either tolerate it or do not invite the offenders
back if it bothers you so much.
A lot of invitations to anniversaries, etc, go out saying "No, gifts,
please," and yet some folks just show up with presents. Gifts happen.
You can try posting at afmm and ask them what they think, too.
Boron
Patrick M Geahan
> People insist on bringing food to the party, despite my repeated requests
> that they not do so.
Is it possible that some of those people are intending the food as a gift
for you, not as eats for the party?
I was under the impression that a 'host gift' was pretty standard in
partygoing circles. And that the gift, such given, was to be enjoyed
by the host in a setting other than the part itself(usually).
--
-------Patrick M Geahan---...@thepatcave.org---ICQ:3784715------
"You know, this is how the sum total of human knowledge is increased.
Not with idle speculation and meaningless chatter, but with a
medium-sized hammer and some free time." - spa...@pffcu.com, a.f.c-a
Boron Elgar
Geahan<pmgeah...@thepatcave.org> wrote:
>Anny Middon <AnnyM...@hotnospammail.com> wrote:
>
>> People insist on bringing food to the party, despite my repeated requests
>> that they not do so.
>
>Is it possible that some of those people are intending the food as a gift
>for you, not as eats for the party?
>
>I was under the impression that a 'host gift' was pretty standard in
>partygoing circles. And that the gift, such given, was to be enjoyed
>by the host in a setting other than the part itself(usually).
It appears from Anny's previous parties, though, that some of the
foods brought were very much intended to be eaten at the party, and
that caused more crowding and turmoil in the kitchen as they needed
heating, serving platters, etc.
Hosts are not under obligation to serve things brought to dinners,
luncheons, or parties of any sort, but I think there is something
about telling folks it's a buffet, that triggers not only the generous
gift ideas, but sends out a subliminal (but truly unintended)
"bring-a-dish" message to some peeps.
Boron
Anny Middon
news:44pk4kF...@individual.net...
> "Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
>>I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim
>>to
>>be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
>>Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
>>garbage?
>
>
> I have a problem with this. I prefer that people find a way to share
> food that would otherwise become garbage. I'm not sure how to
> arbitrate between the two "goods" here.
I agree with you, sort of. It's just that there are plenty of places to
share food -- so why take the food to a place where you've been asked not
to? You can take it to work and put it in the coffee room. You can send it
home with your adult children or to college with your son. You can invite
some neighbors over for coffee and serve the food.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:43e79a08$0$25092$6c5e...@news.westnet.com...
> Anny Middon <AnnyM...@hotnospammail.com> wrote:
>> Every year my husband and I host a Super Bowl party. This year we had 30
>> guests at the party.
> <snip>
>> So this year I put a note on the invitation again -- "Please do not bring
>> any food to the party. We are happy to provide a buffet dinner and
>> plenty
>> of snacks." If the wording sounds like I'm bit insulted by the fact that
>> people bring food when I've asked them not to, it's intentional -- I am a
>> bit insulted.
>
> You're invitie is a tad rude: a reminder that none are needed is just
> fine.
Yes, I know. But I wanted to make the request clear. Even so, several
people asked when they RSVP's whether I really meant it.
>
>> Three people brought food to this year's party. One said merely that she
>> knew she wasn't supposed to bring food but she did so anyway. One
>> brought
>> cheesecake that they had been given and that her family would never eat.
>> One brought banana bread because the recipe made two loaves and her
>> family
>> couldn't eat that much and pretzels because she'd bought the wrong kind
>> and
>> her family wouldn't eat that kind.
>
>> I find myself somewhat insulted by all this. These are people who claim
>> to
>> be our friends, but what we want at our own party means nothing to them?
>> Our party is a place to bring food that they'd otherwise consider to be
>> garbage?
>
> Oh the horors of having freinds bringing gifts!
But they weren't simply gifts -- they were gifts with an obligation to serve
them then and there.
Another guest did bring food -- dried jalapeno flakes and hot spiced peanuts
(they know I'm a chilehead). Harriet couldn't make the party, but Carl her
husband handed me the bag when he arrived and said, "This is for you to
enjoy whenever." There was also a really nice note in the bag.
>
>> How do I handle this? How do I ensure that they don't bring food to next
>> year's party? I feel like it wasn't really polite to put the statement I
>> did on the invitation -- do I really have to say more on next year's
>> invite?
>> I'm tempted to say, "Pleae don't bring food to the party. Any food
>> brought
>> by a guest will be promptly discarded."
>
> Sheesh. Smile, say thank you, take the gift and put it away. There is
> _no_ obligation to share a hostess gift that is brought to the event.
> When folks get used to this, they'll either learn or be glad to get rid of
> certain food. Still you should be gracious enough to wait untill they're
> out of sight before tossing whatever they've thouightfully brought to you
> into the trash.
You seem to be laboring under a misconception -- that these people handed
the plate to me when they came in and said something like, "Here, this is
for you."
This is a Super Bowl party -- everyone arrives pretty much all at once.
It's very chaotic there for a while, and my husband and I are busy trying to
greet everyone and show them where to put their coats and pointing out the
coolers with beers and soft drinks. As soon as I left the door to handle a
request from a guest, more guests let themselves in.
The ones who had brought food were in the dining room, uncovering it and
setting it on the table before I was even aware they had brought food.
>
>> OK, I'm venting some with this post. But I really am hoping for some
>> creative solution to this problem.
>
> First, don't get hung up on it. Second, don't tell you guests what to do,
> but instead tell them what to expect: "we'll be providing a full buffet"
> for example. Third, don't get snitty with hostess gifts: take them
> graciously and squirell them away. If anyone is boorish enough to ask for
> the thing they brought, adopt an air of chagrin that you haven't provided
> properly for your guests and try to get them the best you can from what
> you've already got. Or, if you positively must, simply thank them and
> tell them that the food pantry will simply love thier donation.
>
> This is a miss manners favorite and while she often screws up, she's spot
> on with this one.
>
I wrote Mis Manners about this and she never responded. I'm well aware I'm
supposed to have the perogative to choose whether or not to serve something
a guest has brought, but apparently Miss Manners didn't want to answer how
to handle the situation when guests go ahead and serve the food they
brought.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:h06fu1tltlvrgat5t...@4ax.com...
> Smile, say to your friends, "Thank you, but really, you shouldn't
> have."
>
> There are certain people who feel it would be unkind and unmannered to
> arrive empty handed. For some, this is cultural. There is little you
> can do to prevent this, as you have tried the obvious repeatedly and
> it is not foolproof. Either tolerate it or do not invite the offenders
> back if it bothers you so much.
I do understand that some people feel it would be unking and unmannerly to
arrive empty-handed. I guess I don't understand why this means they have to
bring food when they've been asked not to.
Some people bring wine, others bring beer. This doesn't bother me -- I
don't have to deal with the leftovers and it's not like I've planned the
party to include Amstel Light and sauvignon blanc so that a six-pack of
Fosters or a bottle of chardonnay is a problem.
But when I've planned two special hot appetizers, it does irk me when people
bring and serve their own hot appetizers.
My DH thinks I should just bow to the inevitable and let people bring
whatewver food they want. I could of course do this, but I don't want to.
Why am I not allowed to give the sort of party I want to give?
>
> A lot of invitations to anniversaries, etc, go out saying "No, gifts,
> please," and yet some folks just show up with presents. Gifts happen.
>
> You can try posting at afmm and ask them what they think, too.
Good idea. Thanks.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:jrlkb3-...@www.thepatcave.org...
> Anny Middon <AnnyM...@hotnospammail.com> wrote:
>
>> People insist on bringing food to the party, despite my repeated requests
>> that they not do so.
>
> Is it possible that some of those people are intending the food as a gift
> for you, not as eats for the party?
Not when they uncover the food and put it on the dining room table before I
know they've brought it.
Anny
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> <ra...@westnet.poe.com> wrote in message
> news:43e79a08$0$25092$6c5e...@news.westnet.com...
> > You're invitie is a tad rude: a reminder that none are needed is just
> > fine.
> Yes, I know. But I wanted to make the request clear. Even so, several
> people asked when they RSVP's whether I really meant it.
That's the other thing about such things: they don't work. Better to save
yourself the frustration.
<snip>
> > Oh the horors of having freinds bringing gifts!
> But they weren't simply gifts -- they were gifts with an obligation to serve
> them then and there.
Don't accept them as such. Really. You can do that.
> Another guest did bring food -- dried jalapeno flakes and hot spiced peanuts
> (they know I'm a chilehead). Harriet couldn't make the party, but Carl her
> husband handed me the bag when he arrived and said, "This is for you to
> enjoy whenever." There was also a really nice note in the bag.
See, these folks have some class. Encourage them. Discourage the others
(gently) by hiding thier foods.
<snip>
> > Sheesh. Smile, say thank you, take the gift and put it away. There is
> > _no_ obligation to share a hostess gift that is brought to the event.
> > When folks get used to this, they'll either learn or be glad to get rid of
> > certain food. Still you should be gracious enough to wait untill they're
> > out of sight before tossing whatever they've thouightfully brought to you
> > into the trash.
> You seem to be laboring under a misconception -- that these people handed
> the plate to me when they came in and said something like, "Here, this is
> for you."
> This is a Super Bowl party -- everyone arrives pretty much all at once.
> It's very chaotic there for a while, and my husband and I are busy trying to
> greet everyone and show them where to put their coats and pointing out the
> coolers with beers and soft drinks. As soon as I left the door to handle a
> request from a guest, more guests let themselves in.
> The ones who had brought food were in the dining room, uncovering it and
> setting it on the table before I was even aware they had brought food.
"Ohh, that's lovely! Let me get a container... *reapears with tupperware*
The folks at the shelter are going to love that. *scoops food into
tupperware* there, I'll just pop that in the fridge and get you plate
washed up for you. Oh, It's no touble, please! enjoy the food, did you
try my seahawk wings! I worked _extra hard_ on those!"
> >> OK, I'm venting some with this post. But I really am hoping for some
> >> creative solution to this problem.
> >
> > First, don't get hung up on it. Second, don't tell you guests what to do,
> > but instead tell them what to expect: "we'll be providing a full buffet"
> > for example. Third, don't get snitty with hostess gifts: take them
> > graciously and squirell them away. If anyone is boorish enough to ask for
> > the thing they brought, adopt an air of chagrin that you haven't provided
> > properly for your guests and try to get them the best you can from what
> > you've already got. Or, if you positively must, simply thank them and
> > tell them that the food pantry will simply love thier donation.
> >
> > This is a miss manners favorite and while she often screws up, she's spot
> > on with this one.
> I wrote Mis Manners about this and she never responded. I'm well aware I'm
> supposed to have the perogative to choose whether or not to serve something
> a guest has brought, but apparently Miss Manners didn't want to answer how
> to handle the situation when guests go ahead and serve the food they
> brought.
Miss Manners thinks it's OK to Boo a live performance. SO I don't think
she's defeintive. But she's written before on this subject and I think
that's the sort of thing she'd reccommend.
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> Can't you just ask people to bring beer or wine instead? That way they
> get to assuage their guest instincts, and if you don't need the stuff
> then you can sock it away for later.
> "We've planned the menu; if you would like to contribute to the
> occasion, please bring some beer or wine. Thanks."
Very diplomatic, Mike. I like it.
John Hatpin
>There are certain people who feel it would be unkind and unmannered to
>arrive empty handed. For some, this is cultural.
This is fascinating. It must be cultural..
I've never known anyone bring food to a party here where food was
offered by the host(ess), unless it was by prior arrangement. It
simply isn't done, and I agree with Anny that it's actually quite
insulting - "I don't trust or like your food, so I've brought some
better stuff". Yeach.
It is, however common for people to bring drinks, especially wine.
That's de rigueur with some sorts of party.
With prior arrangement, during the planning stages, it's fine. When
we have a buffet here, one friend always makes and brings a large bowl
of wonderful Greek salad, after offering to do that.
At Xmas, my mother usually offers to make and bring one of her
excellent trifles, which we gladly accept.
Once, when the kids were very young, we invited some neighbours for a
dinner party. The husband, aware that we were busy with the kids, and
loving cooking himself, made most of the meal and brought it round. A
superb Indian spread, including a green chilli curry that was as hot
as it sounds.
Oddest one: a Sri Lankan friend once cooked us an entire SL meal - in
fact there was enough for two meals - and brought it round. He wasn't
able to come in and share it: just handed over the meal, explained
what was what and went on his way. Again, delicious.
But, as I said, these are all offered and arranged beforehand.
Boron Elgar
<no...@nowhere.invalid> wrote:
>Boron Elgar wrote:
>
>>There are certain people who feel it would be unkind and unmannered to
>>arrive empty handed. For some, this is cultural.
>
>This is fascinating. It must be cultural..
>
>I've never known anyone bring food to a party here where food was
>offered by the host(ess), unless it was by prior arrangement. It
>simply isn't done, and I agree with Anny that it's actually quite
>insulting - "I don't trust or like your food, so I've brought some
>better stuff". Yeach.
I don't think people generally bring foodstuffs to a sit-down dinner
or a cocktail party, , but at a large Superbowl party with 30 people
and specified as a "buffet," or the type of party that is known here
as an "open house," I am not surprised people bring food...ok..I am
surprised they do so when the invitation specifically requests it NOT
be done, but it isn't surprising to me that they actually do it.
It has nothing to do with a judgment of the hosts' culinary
capabilities, but thought of as a friendly and helpful thing to do.
Again, if someone shows up for a formal dinner & has brought food
along, hope that they are Celiac or highly allergic to almost all
foods on the face of the earth or just tell them to get fucked, I
suppose. Still, that hosts need to be told ahead of time & asked if
such accommodation could be made.
>It is, however common for people to bring drinks, especially wine.
>That's de rigueur with some sorts of party.
No one seems to turn up a nose at a good bottle of alcohol.
>
>With prior arrangement, during the planning stages, it's fine. When
>we have a buffet here, one friend always makes and brings a large bowl
>of wonderful Greek salad, after offering to do that.
>
>At Xmas, my mother usually offers to make and bring one of her
>excellent trifles, which we gladly accept.
All of that makes sense. We attend my old neighborhood Christmas Eve
party each year for which I am requested to bake a sour cream coffee
cake. That is part of the tradition of the party after so many years.
>
>Once, when the kids were very young, we invited some neighbours for a
>dinner party. The husband, aware that we were busy with the kids, and
>loving cooking himself, made most of the meal and brought it round. A
>superb Indian spread, including a green chilli curry that was as hot
>as it sounds.
>
>Oddest one: a Sri Lankan friend once cooked us an entire SL meal - in
>fact there was enough for two meals - and brought it round. He wasn't
>able to come in and share it: just handed over the meal, explained
>what was what and went on his way. Again, delicious.
You have good neighbors. They can come over to my house unannounced
and unplanned any time they want. My current neighbors would be more
likely provide frozen pizza rolls or store bought cookies.
>
>But, as I said, these are all offered and arranged beforehand.
Remind me next time I stop by, ok?
Boron
Patrick M Geahan
> I've never known anyone bring food to a party here where food was
> offered by the host(ess), unless it was by prior arrangement. It
> simply isn't done, and I agree with Anny that it's actually quite
> insulting - "I don't trust or like your food, so I've brought some
> better stuff". Yeach.
It's only insulting if you choose to interpret it that way. In a lot
of cases, the person is saying *nothing* of the sort.
I was raised(as I'm sure some others were) to bring a hostess gift to
a party. This is *separate* from bringing a dish to pass or something
along those lines. My bringing a bottle of wine or a loaf of
homemade bread is a thank-you, nothing more, and is never an indication
that I think the host's offerings are bad.
I agree that persons bringing food for service can be rude; however, I
think that a lot of these cases, absolutely no rudeness is intended
or can logically be inferred.
chrisgreville
>
> I agree that persons bringing food for service can be rude; however, I
> think that a lot of these cases, absolutely no rudeness is intended
> or can logically be inferred.
>
>
In this case it is totally thoughtless and not caring for the hostess's
feelings, so no matter whether it was thoughtless, it *is* rude to do so,
and so logically rudeness can be inferred. Unintentional maybe, but still
rude.
FWIW, if anyone did that in our house they would not receive an invite
again. And the food would be removed to the kitchen, covered and placed in
the larder out of sight.
Chris Greville
Anny Middon
news:qoehu153skfavhui9...@4ax.com...
>
> Can't you just ask people to bring beer or wine instead? That way they
> get to assuage their guest instincts, and if you don't need the stuff
> then you can sock it away for later.
>
> "We've planned the menu; if you would like to contribute to the
> occasion, please bring some beer or wine. Thanks."
I like this except that it seems to be suggesting that people bring
something. I really prefer that people not bring anything.
My plan now is for next year's invitation to include a section focused on
light humor entitled What to Bring to the Party. This would list such items
as "Team Spirit (if you care what teams wins)", "Sense of Humor (for the
commercials)", and "Betting Money" (we have some betting squares and the
like).
This section would be followed by "What Not to Bring to the Party: Food.
(Food brought by guests will not be served.)"
Anny
Anny Middon
news:p5rhu1do4494asvuq...@4ax.com...
> Boron Elgar wrote:
>
>>There are certain people who feel it would be unkind and unmannered to
>>arrive empty handed. For some, this is cultural.
>
> This is fascinating. It must be cultural..
>
> I've never known anyone bring food to a party here where food was
> offered by the host(ess), unless it was by prior arrangement. It
> simply isn't done, and I agree with Anny that it's actually quite
> insulting - "I don't trust or like your food, so I've brought some
> better stuff". Yeach.
No surprise that I'm with you on this one. But I'm in a minority, at
least in my social circle. Most people don't understand why I don't want
people to bring food, and often tell me how much they like it when people
bring food to their parties.
>
> It is, however common for people to bring drinks, especially wine.
> That's de rigueur with some sorts of party.
>
> With prior arrangement, during the planning stages, it's fine. When
> we have a buffet here, one friend always makes and brings a large bowl
> of wonderful Greek salad, after offering to do that.
>
> At Xmas, my mother usually offers to make and bring one of her
> excellent trifles, which we gladly accept.
>
> Once, when the kids were very young, we invited some neighbours for a
> dinner party. The husband, aware that we were busy with the kids, and
> loving cooking himself, made most of the meal and brought it round. A
> superb Indian spread, including a green chilli curry that was as hot
> as it sounds.
>
> Oddest one: a Sri Lankan friend once cooked us an entire SL meal - in
> fact there was enough for two meals - and brought it round. He wasn't
> able to come in and share it: just handed over the meal, explained
> what was what and went on his way. Again, delicious.
>
> But, as I said, these are all offered and arranged beforehand.
The prior arrangement is key, I think. I have given a few informal dinners
where I've called people and invited them to dinner that eveneing or the
next one. If they offered to bring dessert or a salad, at times I've
agreed.
I typically ask when RSVPing is there's anything I should bring. Typically
I'm asked to bring an appetizer or dessert, which of course I do. But it's
a real luxury to be asked to someone's home for dinner and not be expected
to bring food. (Usually we bring a bottle of wine, and now and then a bunch
of flowers.)
I think the reason no one who brought food to the Super Bowl party offered
ahead of time is that they suspected I would have turned down their offer,
as indeed I would.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:43e8c045$0$25066$6c5e...@news.westnet.com...
>
> "Ohh, that's lovely! Let me get a container... *reapears with tupperware*
> The folks at the shelter are going to love that. *scoops food into
> tupperware* there, I'll just pop that in the fridge and get you plate
> washed up for you. Oh, It's no touble, please! enjoy the food, did you
> try my seahawk wings! I worked _extra hard_ on those!"
>
Indeed, I should have done exactly that. Next year I will.
Anny
Boron Elgar
If you do, I think that makes you the one that crosses the line.
No one who brought food to your SB party did so as an insult to you
or your culinary or entertaining skills. Even with the most kindly,
yet sternly worded mentions on your invitation, there will always be
some guests who feel that their relationship with you is such that the
request not to bring food does not apply to them. It does not make
them mean. It does not make them evil. It does not entitle you to be
rude to them, which the above suggestion really describes.
Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
Though it disturbs you to have to deal with guests who bring food or
drinks, I cannot believe that anything but good intentions are behind
the offerings. These are guests in your home and unless you feel there
is some very deliberate slight or thoughtlessness on their part, they
are to be treated graciously and with welcome. If their behavior
bothers you - and you are certainly entitled to those feelings - don't
invite them back.
It is great to be able to complain on Usenet and get rejoinders and
quips to use next time, but what it really comes down to is trying to
find some way of being gracious under fire. Guests show up with their
own, uninvited guests in tow; show up too early or too late; stoned or
drunk; arguing with a spouse or partner; with an amour, rather than
their partner ...any group of 30 guests will bring along a few
unexpected happenings. It is all part of entertaining and you either
roll with it or seriously winnow your potential guest list.
Boron
Greg Goss
You need more in section B. No WMD. No more than one spouse. No
Drinks. No body paint.
ra...@westnet.poe.com
Hmm, I went to a party where we were extolled not to bring the Dali Lama,
but if you ever manage to make it to one of my parties, please feel free
to bring the WMD, Spare Spouses, Drinks and Body Paint. That all sounds
like fun.
Anny Middon
> On Thu, 16 Feb 2006 18:02:31 GMT, "Anny Middon"
> <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
>><ra...@westnet.poe.com> wrote in message
>>news:43e8c045$0$25066$6c5e...@news.westnet.com...
>>>
>>> "Ohh, that's lovely! Let me get a container... *reapears with
>>> tupperware*
>>> The folks at the shelter are going to love that. *scoops food into
>>> tupperware* there, I'll just pop that in the fridge and get you plate
>>> washed up for you. Oh, It's no touble, please! enjoy the food, did you
>>> try my seahawk wings! I worked _extra hard_ on those!"
>>>
>>
>>Indeed, I should have done exactly that. Next year I will.
>>
>>Anny
>>
>
> If you do, I think that makes you the one that crosses the line.
>
> No one who brought food to your SB party did so as an insult to you
> or your culinary or entertaining skills. Even with the most kindly,
> yet sternly worded mentions on your invitation, there will always be
> some guests who feel that their relationship with you is such that the
> request not to bring food does not apply to them. It does not make
> them mean. It does not make them evil. It does not entitle you to be
> rude to them, which the above suggestion really describes.
I guess I don't see why this would be rude. All the manners mavens suggest
that I do pretty much that. The rule seems to be this -- any food brought
to a party is a gift to the hostess, who can put it away for handling later
or serve it as she sees fit. I probably wouldn't make the comment about the
homeless shelter or put it into containers in front of the guest who brought
it, but I should have removed the food from the table.
I know people don't think they're being rude by bringing food, but they are.
Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to bring food, but I
don't care what she wants."
>
> Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
> guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
> dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
> party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
I'm sure you're right, but honestly I don't understand it. I have said in
writing very clearly that I do not want them to bring food. Why can't they
honor my wishes?
I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they bring
a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be food?
I sometimes wonder if people think, "I'm too busy to host parties. If I
bring something to eat, then this will be partly my party and I won't owe
Anny and her husband an invitation to my house." Or if they think, "I don't
want the work of having my own party and making all that food. I'll make
one thing and then I'll get all the raves over my cooking without all the
hassle of actually entertaining people in my home."
Two of the people who brought food excused it by saying that they couldn't
use it and didn't want it to go to waste. After thinking this over, I'm
sure that this was meant to reassure me that they hadn't gone to a lot of
trouble, as if my request was meant to save them work rather than granting
myself the ability to have the kind of party I want to. But even given
that, why did they not see the rudeness in this? Honestly, Boron, would you
ever invite guests to your home and then put a platter on the table and say,
"I was going to throw this out but decided to serve it to you instead."?
>
> Though it disturbs you to have to deal with guests who bring food or
> drinks, I cannot believe that anything but good intentions are behind
> the offerings. These are guests in your home and unless you feel there
> is some very deliberate slight or thoughtlessness on their part, they
> are to be treated graciously and with welcome. If their behavior
> bothers you - and you are certainly entitled to those feelings - don't
> invite them back.
If I thought not inviting them back would solve the problem, I'd do that.
But there seems to be a cascading effect at work here. If three people
bring food when I've requested they not do so, next year six people will
bring food despite the request, because they'll think I didn't *really* mean
it. (After all, the food others brought was served -- this is why I should
have taken it off the table and put it away.) And the year after that 12
people will bring food. I know because I tried the note on the invitation
a few years back, and that's exactly what happened.
> It is great to be able to complain on Usenet and get rejoinders and
> quips to use next time, but what it really comes down to is trying to
> find some way of being gracious under fire. Guests show up with their
> own, uninvited guests in tow; show up too early or too late; stoned or
> drunk; arguing with a spouse or partner; with an amour, rather than
> their partner ...any group of 30 guests will bring along a few
> unexpected happenings. It is all part of entertaining and you either
> roll with it or seriously winnow your potential guest list.
I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food others
have brought.
Anny
Anny Middon
Great suggestions, Greg. I like it.
But really, body paint is all right with me so long as they don't get any on
my sofa.
Anny
Patrick M Geahan
> I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
> need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they bring
> a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be food?
Because they're not(for the most part) bringing food for the party.
I realize that some of them are bringing food for the party, but it seems
to me that most of them are not. They're bringing food for *you*, as a
gift. They could bring a six-pack, they could bring flowers, they could
bring a pretty t-shirt. They chose food. C'est la vie.
> I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food others
> have brought.
You can. Just don't serve it. If they choose to demand that you serve
it, then yes, they're being rude; but if they arrive with food, I think
it's smarter to give your guests the benefit of the doubt and assume
they meant it as a gift.
David J. Martin
>
> "Boron Elgar" <boron...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:vig9v1d17jq1arlrf...@4ax.com...
lots of snippage
> I know people don't think they're being rude by bringing food, but they are.
> Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to bring food, but I
> don't care what she wants."
> >
> > Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
> > guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
> > dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
> > party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
>
> I'm sure you're right, but honestly I don't understand it. I have said in
> writing very clearly that I do not want them to bring food. Why can't they
> honor my wishes?
>
> I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
> need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they bring
> a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be food?
Perhaps you could give people those options up front: "If you feel you
must bring something, bring sodas or beer. Or flowers and balloons.
Anything but food."
David
Greg Goss
That's what brought it to mind. One of the local furniture stores has
been running a series of sale ads aimed at the Superbowl crowd. In
one of them the guy accidentally rips the arms off the easy chair in
his excitement. In the other, a pair of painted guys stand up to
cheer, leaving images on the sofa.
Bill Turlock
Bravo!
Anny Middon
> Anny Middon <AnnyM...@hotnospammail.com> wrote:
>
>> I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
>> need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they
>> bring
>> a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be
>> food?
>
> Because they're not(for the most part) bringing food for the party.
>
> I realize that some of them are bringing food for the party, but it seems
> to me that most of them are not. They're bringing food for *you*, as a
> gift. They could bring a six-pack, they could bring flowers, they could
> bring a pretty t-shirt. They chose food. C'est la vie.
>
>> I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food others
>> have brought.
>
> You can. Just don't serve it. If they choose to demand that you serve
> it, then yes, they're being rude; but if they arrive with food, I think
> it's smarter to give your guests the benefit of the doubt and assume
> they meant it as a gift.
Well, except three people who brought food did not hand it to me. Instead,
they removed whatever covered it and put it on the buffet. I think this
makes it pretty clear that they didn't mean this as a gift for me and my
husband.
Only one other person brought food, and it was clear that it was a hostess
gift. Others brought beer or wine. These gifts were appreciated.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:43F61376...@tamu.edu...
>
> Perhaps you could give people those options up front: "If you feel you
> must bring something, bring sodas or beer. Or flowers and balloons.
> Anything but food."
>
I wish people would bring beer or wine or a present. My preference is that
they come to the party without bringing anything but basic manners and a
desire to have a good time.
Anny
Anny Middon
> "Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>But really, body paint is all right with me so long as they don't get any
>>on
>>my sofa.
>
> That's what brought it to mind. One of the local furniture stores has
> been running a series of sale ads aimed at the Superbowl crowd. In
> one of them the guy accidentally rips the arms off the easy chair in
> his excitement. In the other, a pair of painted guys stand up to
> cheer, leaving images on the sofa.
I don't hink I'kk have to worry about it unless the Bears actually go to the
Super Bowl. Since they came close this year, I suppose it could be an
issue. Would it be rude to cover the furniture with drop cloths?
I did decide this year that if the Bears went to the Super Bowl, I'd make 2
changes to the party. I'd no longer put up a banner for each team, but
would put up 2 for the Bears. And instead of a hot appetizer themed to each
team, I'd do 2 Bears appetizers.
Oh, I forgot -- I'd make 3 changes: All the Jello Jiggler Football Helmets
would be Orange and Berry Blue.
Anny
Boron Elgar
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>"Boron Elgar" <boron...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
>>
>> If you do, I think that makes you the one that crosses the line.
>>
>> No one who brought food to your SB party did so as an insult to you
>> or your culinary or entertaining skills. Even with the most kindly,
>> yet sternly worded mentions on your invitation, there will always be
>> some guests who feel that their relationship with you is such that the
>> request not to bring food does not apply to them. It does not make
>> them mean. It does not make them evil. It does not entitle you to be
>> rude to them, which the above suggestion really describes.
>
>I guess I don't see why this would be rude. All the manners mavens suggest
>The rule seems to be this -- any food brought
>to a party is a gift to the hostess, who can put it away for handling later
>or serve it as she sees fit. I probably wouldn't make the comment about the
>homeless shelter or put it into containers in front of the guest who brought
>it, but I should have removed the food from the table.
You are under no obligation to serve it. That is true. And you are not
being rude if you do not serve it, but yes, any shelter remarks are
beyond The Pale.
>
>I know people don't think they're being rude by bringing food, but they are.
>Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to bring food, but I
>don't care what she wants."
I would say that is what YOU imagine they think and if you feel that
way about people you have invited, do not invite them again. You
imply that if they bring food they are being uncaring in some way.
(again I am talking SP party, not formal meal) and must be out to get
you or are deliberately mistreating you. I cannot fathom this at all.
The offering of food is the oldest hospitality and kindness gesture
one can make. It is almost universal across cultures. It may piss you
off that people do it, but I really think it's a stretch to think it
is being done as some deliberate slap in the face. I cannot deny that
TWIAVBP and there is always a chance in any group of 30 that 1 or more
could be considered certifiable, but generally, your guests are not
accepting your invitation and bringing food just to do you dirt.
Guests may even be recalling previous parties of yours when others
brought food and think that they should bring some, because they
screwed up last year by not bringing any. Again, you are under no
obligation to serve any of it, but why do you think your guests are
out to insult you in some way?
>> Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
>> guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
>> dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
>> party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
>
>I'm sure you're right, but honestly I don't understand it. I have said in
>writing very clearly that I do not want them to bring food. Why can't they
>honor my wishes?
Because sharing of food in ingrained back from sitting around the cave
firepit. Throw a formal party with dinner at 8 & I bet you won't find
any guests being dip or Buffalo wings.
>I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
>need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they bring
>a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be food?
>
>I sometimes wonder if people think, "I'm too busy to host parties. If I
>bring something to eat, then this will be partly my party and I won't owe
>Anny and her husband an invitation to my house." Or if they think, "I don't
>want the work of having my own party and making all that food. I'll make
>one thing and then I'll get all the raves over my cooking without all the
>hassle of actually entertaining people in my home."
Anny, I swear, if any of these thoughts ever crossed my mind about
people I know, I would NEVER dream of including them on a list of
those I welcome into my home. It makes entertaining to a psychological
whodunit, rather than a pleasure.
>
>Two of the people who brought food excused it by saying that they couldn't
>use it and didn't want it to go to waste. After thinking this over, I'm
>sure that this was meant to reassure me that they hadn't gone to a lot of
>trouble, as if my request was meant to save them work rather than granting
>myself the ability to have the kind of party I want to. But even given
>that, why did they not see the rudeness in this? Honestly, Boron, would you
>ever invite guests to your home and then put a platter on the table and say,
>"I was going to throw this out but decided to serve it to you instead."?
I might give the benefit of the doubt and come to the conclusion you
did first, that they were trying to downplay their efforts and not
being boastful, rather than using you as a trash can.
>
>> Though it disturbs you to have to deal with guests who bring food or
>> drinks, I cannot believe that anything but good intentions are behind
>> the offerings. These are guests in your home and unless you feel there
>> is some very deliberate slight or thoughtlessness on their part, they
>> are to be treated graciously and with welcome. If their behavior
>> bothers you - and you are certainly entitled to those feelings - don't
>> invite them back.
>
>If I thought not inviting them back would solve the problem, I'd do that.
>But there seems to be a cascading effect at work here. If three people
>bring food when I've requested they not do so, next year six people will
>bring food despite the request, because they'll think I didn't *really* mean
>it. (After all, the food others brought was served -- this is why I should
>have taken it off the table and put it away.) And the year after that 12
>people will bring food. I know because I tried the note on the invitation
>a few years back, and that's exactly what happened.
You know......you could save those wonderful talents for those who you
think will truly appreciate them & next year, throw a "bring-a-dish"
for SP.
>
>
>I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food others
>have brought.
Do not serve anything you do not want to.
Boron
Lesmond
"You've all been here before. You understand the effort I make to ensure
that all my guests needs are provided for. I sincerely and firmly request
that you bring nothing with you except your desire to have a good time.
Thank you in advance."
--
I got a feeling something went wrong and now I own a blind camel.
Dana Carpender
ra...@westnet.poe.com wrote:
> Greg Goss <go...@gossg.org> wrote:
>
>>"Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
>
>>>"Mike Koenecke" <mkoe...@spamhole.com> wrote in message
>>>news:qoehu153skfavhui9...@4ax.com...
>>>
>>>>Can't you just ask people to bring beer or wine instead? That way they
>>>>get to assuage their guest instincts, and if you don't need the stuff
>>>>then you can sock it away for later.
>>>>
>>>>"We've planned the menu; if you would like to contribute to the
>>>>occasion, please bring some beer or wine. Thanks."
>>>
>>>I like this except that it seems to be suggesting that people bring
>>>something. I really prefer that people not bring anything.
>>>
>>>My plan now is for next year's invitation to include a section focused on
>>>light humor entitled What to Bring to the Party. This would list such items
>>>as "Team Spirit (if you care what teams wins)", "Sense of Humor (for the
>>>commercials)", and "Betting Money" (we have some betting squares and the
>>>like).
>>>
>>>This section would be followed by "What Not to Bring to the Party: Food.
>>>(Food brought by guests will not be served.)"
>
>
>>You need more in section B. No WMD. No more than one spouse. No
>>Drinks. No body paint.
>
>
> Hmm, I went to a party where we were extolled not to bring the Dali Lama,
>
The Dal-ster comes to town every few years, because his brother and
family live here in Bloomington. Everyone I know who has actually met
him says he's a lovely man, very down to earth, with a terrific sense of
humor. I bet he'd be a real addition to any party.
Dana
Boron Elgar
<dcar...@kivanospam.net> wrote:
>
>The Dal-ster comes to town every few years, because his brother and
>family live here in Bloomington. Everyone I know who has actually met
>him says he's a lovely man, very down to earth, with a terrific sense of
>humor. I bet he'd be a real addition to any party.
>
As long as he doesn't bring any food, of course.
Boron
Dana Carpender
Boron Elgar wrote:
Nah, that would be his brother. He's a restauranteur.
Dana
Anny Middon
>
> I would say that is what YOU imagine they think and if you feel that
> way about people you have invited, do not invite them again. You
> imply that if they bring food they are being uncaring in some way.
> (again I am talking SP party, not formal meal) and must be out to get
> you or are deliberately mistreating you. I cannot fathom this at all.
I cannot fathom at all how, when someone is asked politely not to bring food
to a party, it is not rude to disregard that request.
>
> The offering of food is the oldest hospitality and kindness gesture
> one can make. It is almost universal across cultures. It may piss you
> off that people do it, but I really think it's a stretch to think it
> is being done as some deliberate slap in the face. I cannot deny that
> TWIAVBP and there is always a chance in any group of 30 that 1 or more
> could be considered certifiable, but generally, your guests are not
> accepting your invitation and bringing food just to do you dirt.
Again, it's not the fact that they brought food. It's that I asked them not
to do so and they did it anyway.
I know I'm probably overreacting. But several years ago, a week or so
before the annual SB party, I was out to dinner with a group that included
my sister-in-law and a close friend. The two women started talking about
the food they were bringing to the party. I told them that I didn't want
anyone to bring any food to the party.
They laughed and said, "Oh, we don't care what you want."
OK, they were joking. I know that. It still rankled.
>
> Guests may even be recalling previous parties of yours when others
> brought food and think that they should bring some, because they
> screwed up last year by not bringing any. Again, you are under no
> obligation to serve any of it, but why do you think your guests are
> out to insult you in some way?
Because I have told them repeatedly that I don't want them to bring food.
Why is it so hard for them to accede to my wishes in this?
Suppose instead of the "no food" request I had included on the invitation a
statement that read, "Please do not bring any food or wine to the party. We
are happy to supply an assortment of beers and wines for our guests."
Do you think people would still bring beer or wine to the party? I'm asking
honestly because I really don't know -- I thought that an almost
identically-worded request not to bring food would be honored, and you seem
to be telling me that I shouldn't think my guests would honor such a
request.
My feeling is that people would not bring beer or wine if so requested,
despite that bringing wine is about as old a hospitable gesture as bringing
food, and certainly bringing beer to a SB party is more of a custom than
bringing food.
>
>>> Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
>>> guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
>>> dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
>>> party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
>>
>>I'm sure you're right, but honestly I don't understand it. I have said in
>>writing very clearly that I do not want them to bring food. Why can't
>>they
>>honor my wishes?
>
> Because sharing of food in ingrained back from sitting around the cave
> firepit. Throw a formal party with dinner at 8 & I bet you won't find
> any guests being dip or Buffalo wings.
I think I'll put this to the test. I'm planning a dinner party with a '70s
theme. I will not put any request not to bring food on the invitation,
which will make it clear that it's a dinner party.
If someone brings food, will you agree they are being rude? Or does that
only count when it's a formal party? Do I have to ask guest to dress up
before I can be assured they won't bring food if I don't want them to?
>
>>I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel the
>>need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't they
>>bring
>>a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does it have to be
>>food?
>>
>>I sometimes wonder if people think, "I'm too busy to host parties. If I
>>bring something to eat, then this will be partly my party and I won't owe
>>Anny and her husband an invitation to my house." Or if they think, "I
>>don't
>>want the work of having my own party and making all that food. I'll make
>>one thing and then I'll get all the raves over my cooking without all the
>>hassle of actually entertaining people in my home."
>
> Anny, I swear, if any of these thoughts ever crossed my mind about
> people I know, I would NEVER dream of including them on a list of
> those I welcome into my home. It makes entertaining to a psychological
> whodunit, rather than a pleasure.
It's a pleasure for the 27 people who did not bring food. Later on I may
think it was entirely a pleasure. But right now I'm still pissed off and
hurt that my simple request not to bring food was cavalierly ignore by those
3 guests.
>>
>>Two of the people who brought food excused it by saying that they couldn't
>>use it and didn't want it to go to waste. After thinking this over, I'm
>>sure that this was meant to reassure me that they hadn't gone to a lot of
>>trouble, as if my request was meant to save them work rather than granting
>>myself the ability to have the kind of party I want to. But even given
>>that, why did they not see the rudeness in this? Honestly, Boron, would
>>you
>>ever invite guests to your home and then put a platter on the table and
>>say,
>>"I was going to throw this out but decided to serve it to you instead."?
>
> I might give the benefit of the doubt and come to the conclusion you
> did first, that they were trying to downplay their efforts and not
> being boastful, rather than using you as a trash can.
Oh, I know that's what they meant, and said so. But a comment that is not
intended to be rude can still be rude.
>>
>>> Though it disturbs you to have to deal with guests who bring food or
>>> drinks, I cannot believe that anything but good intentions are behind
>>> the offerings. These are guests in your home and unless you feel there
>>> is some very deliberate slight or thoughtlessness on their part, they
>>> are to be treated graciously and with welcome. If their behavior
>>> bothers you - and you are certainly entitled to those feelings - don't
>>> invite them back.
>>
>>If I thought not inviting them back would solve the problem, I'd do that.
>>But there seems to be a cascading effect at work here. If three people
>>bring food when I've requested they not do so, next year six people will
>>bring food despite the request, because they'll think I didn't *really*
>>mean
>>it. (After all, the food others brought was served -- this is why I
>>should
>>have taken it off the table and put it away.) And the year after that 12
>>people will bring food. I know because I tried the note on the
>>invitation
>>a few years back, and that's exactly what happened.
>
> You know......you could save those wonderful talents for those who you
> think will truly appreciate them & next year, throw a "bring-a-dish"
> for SP.
I absolutely do not want to do that. I want the pleasure of planning the
party and its menu and bringing that plan to fruition. To me, that's much
of the fun in throwing a big party.
>>
>
>>
>>I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food others
>>have brought.
>
> Do not serve anything you do not want to.
Yes. I should not have folded -- I should have taken the food they brought
off the buffet table and put it away out of sight.
Anny
Boron Elgar
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>I cannot fathom at all how, when someone is asked politely not to bring food
>to a party, it is not rude to disregard that request.
You have to make one of two choices:
1. Stop entertaining
2. Try Valium
I'm done.
Boron
mdginzo
>Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to bring >food, but I
>don't care what she wants."
Serving your guests should be about what THEY want.
Dana Carpender
mdginzo wrote:
No, not necessarily. There is absolutely no etiquette requirement, for
instance, to serve your dinner guests something that's simply not on the
menu. If you're serving coq au vin, and someone says, "Gee, I'd really
rather have a hamburger," you have zero obligation to give them a
hamburger. Or, for that matter, to let them sit at the table with your
other dinner guests eating a fast food burger they brought with them.
Dana
Ulo Melton
>On Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:50:20 GMT, "Anny Middon"
><AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
>>I know people don't think they're being rude by bringing food, but they are.
>>Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to bring food, but I
>>don't care what she wants."
>
>I would say that is what YOU imagine they think and if you feel that
>way about people you have invited, do not invite them again. You
>imply that if they bring food they are being uncaring in some way.
>(again I am talking SP party, not formal meal) and must be out to get
>you or are deliberately mistreating you. I cannot fathom this at all.
>
>The offering of food is the oldest hospitality and kindness gesture
>one can make.
I would think respecting your host's wishes is an even older gesture, as
it would have prevented Thag from expressing his displeasure by clubbing
you over the head, back in the day when that was the common approach to
solving disputes. On the other hand, bringing food would have prevented
Thag from eating you when his stomach started to growl. I'm torn here.
Cavewarmings must have been traumatic events for all invited.
--
Ulo Melton
http://www.sewergator.com - Your Pipeline To Adventure
"Show me a man who is not afraid of being eaten by an alligator
in a sewer, and I'll show you a fool." -Roger Ebert
mdginzo
there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
in. If it is a hamburger that you want I will make you a hamburger or
order one in or go and get it.
That being said, maybe a good tactic, if you can't stop people from
bringing food is to control what they bring. Make it clear that you
have all the food, but if they want to bring something they can bring
soda. That way, if you run out you will always have enough soda. If
not, they can take it with them when they leave, or give it to you.
You can always use more soda.
Ulo Melton
>If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
>there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
>in. If it is a hamburger that you want I will make you a hamburger or
>order one in or go and get it.
I fancy a Komodo dragon steak.
Jim Ellwanger
mdginzo <mdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
> If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
> there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
> in.
I want a prostitute. Asian -- Japanese, ideally, but Chinese or Korean
would also be okay. Can we use your guest bedroom?
--
Jim Ellwanger <use...@ellwanger.tv>
<http://www.ellwanger.tv> welcomes you daily.
Greg Goss
>In article <1140328077.6...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
>mdginzo <mdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
>> there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
>> in.
>
>I want a prostitute. Asian -- Japanese, ideally, but Chinese or Korean
>would also be okay. Can we use your guest bedroom?
If I bring one for Jim, will Anny be offended?
Ulo Melton
>Jim Ellwanger <use...@ellwanger.tv> wrote:
>
>>In article <1140328077.6...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
>>mdginzo <mdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>> If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
>>> there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
>>> in.
>>
>>I want a prostitute. Asian -- Japanese, ideally, but Chinese or Korean
>>would also be okay. Can we use your guest bedroom?
>
>If I bring one for Jim, will Anny be offended?
She'll be within her rights to treat it as a hostess gift.
Dana Carpender
mdginzo wrote:
> If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
> there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
> in. If it is a hamburger that you want I will make you a hamburger or
> order one in or go and get it.
>
>
I'd like a winning Powerball ticket, please.
Short of that, since you've invited me over for Friday night chili, I'd
like a 12 course meal, served a la Russe.
Dana
mdginzo
>Short of that, since you've invited me over for Friday night chili, I'd
>like a 12 course meal, served a la Russe.
I thought it would be obvious that I would do anything for my guest
that was within my power. In other words, as a guest in my home, I am
your servant and you are he owner so to speak. That means that if I am
serving chicken and you want a vegetarian meal then I will do what I
can to get you that. That is just how I was raised.
Anny Middon
I guess I get the last word then.
It's really pretty simple: When a person hosts an event, he or she gets to
set the ground rules. If those ground rules are communicated in advance,
the invitee has two polite actions -- 1) to attend the event and comply with
the host's request, even if the invitee finds it misguided or capricious; or
2) to send regrets and not attend the event.
For a guest to decide to attend the event and disregard the stated wishes of
the host -- no matter how that disregard is intended or rationalized -- is
rude.
(Of course, what the host elects to do to prevent future such rudenesses is
a separate issue, and not a factor in determining whether the guest's action
was rude.)
Anny
Dover Beach
>
> Guests show up...with an amour, rather than
> their partner
At one of my old jobs one of the guys stopped showing up at the
(frequent) parties with his wife and instead started bringing his
girlfriend. He wasn't divorced (yet) or even separated. That was very
weird for everyone, though he and his girlfriend both seemed oblivious
to how uncomfortable everyone else was.
--
Dover
Boron Elgar
People are crazy and if one entertains with any frequency, the nuts
will not always be in the nut dish.
I don't entertain at all any more(at least not at home, I do host
friends at restaurants or similarly reciprocate), and I have done
everything from intimate dinners with one other couple to huge open
house-bring-anyone-you-know kinds of parties and though I would stress
myself out wanting to get everyting perfect ahead of time, when the
guests got there, all I wanted to do was make them feel so happy that
they'd love to come back.
I've had people bring kids to an obviously and specifically
adults-only party, bring pets (cat once, a few dogs and once a
parrot). The least of my worries was if anyone brought food.
I once gave a barbecue where a newly converted vegan brought veggie
burgers that had to get grilled along with the beef. They crumbled and
fell through the grill. Utter disaster. I made her a triple decker
tomato sandwich. I've had sick guests, jet-lagged guests, guests in
drag (think La Cage aux Folles type situation). My favorite was when
two friends came with a couch they had picked up on the streets of
Manhattan. So the living room was crowded, but we had a few more seats
that night. After that could I get upset about someone with chips and
dip or chowder?
Should guests behave? Of course they should. Do they behave? Not
always. As long as there is no theft or endangerment of the kids or
the premises, any and all of my friends are welcome and I do my best
to make them feel as relaxed and comfortable as they would feel at
their own homes.
Boron
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> On Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:50:20 GMT, "Anny Middon"
> <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
> >I guess I don't see why this would be rude. All the manners mavens suggest
> >The rule seems to be this -- any food brought
> >to a party is a gift to the hostess, who can put it away for handling later
> >or serve it as she sees fit. I probably wouldn't make the comment about the
> >homeless shelter or put it into containers in front of the guest who brought
> >it, but I should have removed the food from the table.
> You are under no obligation to serve it. That is true. And you are not
> being rude if you do not serve it, but yes, any shelter remarks are
> beyond The Pale.
Not if that's what you're actually going to do with it.
John
--
Remove the dead poet to e-mail, tho CC'd posts are unwelcome.
Mean People Suck - It takes two deviations to get cool.
Ask me about joining the NRA.
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> Greg Goss wrote:
> >Jim Ellwanger <use...@ellwanger.tv> wrote:
> >>In article <1140328077.6...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
> >>mdginzo <mdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
> >>
> >>> If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
> >>> there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
> >>> in.
> >>
> >>I want a prostitute. Asian -- Japanese, ideally, but Chinese or Korean
> >>would also be okay. Can we use your guest bedroom?
> >
> >If I bring one for Jim, will Anny be offended?
> She'll be within her rights to treat it as a hostess gift.
*OOOHHHH* the guys at the homeless shelter _WILL_ be thrilled!
John - But do you have tupperware that'll fit a Japanese Prostitute?
Dana Carpender
ra...@westnet.poe.com wrote:
> Boron Elgar <boron...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>>On Fri, 17 Feb 2006 16:50:20 GMT, "Anny Middon"
>><AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>
> <snip>
>
>>>I guess I don't see why this would be rude. All the manners mavens suggest
>>>The rule seems to be this -- any food brought
>>>to a party is a gift to the hostess, who can put it away for handling later
>>>or serve it as she sees fit. I probably wouldn't make the comment about the
>>>homeless shelter or put it into containers in front of the guest who brought
>>>it, but I should have removed the food from the table.
>
>
>>You are under no obligation to serve it. That is true. And you are not
>>being rude if you do not serve it, but yes, any shelter remarks are
>>beyond The Pale.
>
>
> Not if that's what you're actually going to do with it.
>
Are you suggesting that just because it's the truth, it can't be rude?
Because it certainly can.
Dana
Dana Carpender
ra...@westnet.poe.com wrote:
> Ulo Melton <melt...@sewergator.com> wrote:
>
>>Greg Goss wrote:
>>
>>>Jim Ellwanger <use...@ellwanger.tv> wrote:
>>>
>>>>In article <1140328077.6...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
>>>>mdginzo <mdg...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>If you come to my house for any reason - formal or informal - I am
>>>>>there to serve you whatever you want or need, or else I don't ask you
>>>>>in.
>>>>
>>>>I want a prostitute. Asian -- Japanese, ideally, but Chinese or Korean
>>>>would also be okay. Can we use your guest bedroom?
>>>
>>>If I bring one for Jim, will Anny be offended?
>
>
>>She'll be within her rights to treat it as a hostess gift.
>
>
> *OOOHHHH* the guys at the homeless shelter _WILL_ be thrilled!
>
On the other hand, they're less likely to be happy with the 12 course
dinner a la Russe. Unless they can find proper dinner jackets at the
Goodwill.
Dana
huey.c...@gmail.com
I have a european-label tailored black pinstripe suit, a sharkskin
double-breasted suit, and a nice tweed jacket, all purchased the last
time I was at the Salvation Army store. $50 for the lot.
The pinstripe is badass, and definitely the best $20 I've ever spent.
If I wear a cumberbund and bowtie, the photographer keeps trying to
make me stand with the wedding party. If I slick my hair back and wear
a black tie and sunglasses, people think I'm there to shoot somebody.
--
Huey "...and I ~would~" Callison
bill van
huey.c...@gmail.com wrote:
It makes you look like the photographer?
Dana Carpender
I'm sure I've told you all of my brother's high school friend who
dumpster-dived three hand-tailored wool suits at the dump in the very
upscale town of Lake Forest, Illinois. Took 'em to the tailor, whose
label was in the suits, got them altered to fit him perfectly, and was
an impeccably-dressed young man about town.
Dana
Dover Beach
news:9kPKf.571106$084.75179@attbi_s22:
I miss three-piece suits.
--
Dover
tooloud
<snip>
> I guess I don't see why this would be rude. All the manners mavens
> suggest that I do pretty much that. The rule seems to be this -- any
> food brought to a party is a gift to the hostess, who can put it away
> for handling later or serve it as she sees fit. I probably wouldn't
> make the comment about the homeless shelter or put it into containers
> in front of the guest who brought it, but I should have removed the
> food from the table.
> I know people don't think they're being rude by bringing food, but
> they are.
No, I don't think they are. I think people bringing you stuff is a gesture
of kindness.
> Basically they are saying, "I know Anny doesn't want me to
> bring food, but I don't care what she wants."
I think it's more likely that they're saying "I know Anny didn't want to
bother us to bring food, but we'll do her a favor and do so anyway. It's the
least we can do, what with her hosting the party and all."
>> Again, a SB party is usually pretty causal and you will have some
>> guests who do not feel the restraints they might were this a sit down
>> dinner or even a cocktail party. I think the nature of this sort of
>> party is one of the reasons why people do bring food along.
>
> I'm sure you're right, but honestly I don't understand it. I have
> said in writing very clearly that I do not want them to bring food. Why
> can't they honor my wishes?
Because they think they're doing you a favor. It's done out of kindness.
> I'd really like to know why some bring food. I know that people feel
> the need to bring something, but they know I don't want food -- can't
> they bring a six-pack or a bunch of flowers or something? Why does
> it have to be food?
Because that's what people bring. It's been that way for decades.
> I sometimes wonder if people think, "I'm too busy to host parties. If I
> bring something to eat, then this will be partly my party and I
> won't owe Anny and her husband an invitation to my house." Or if
> they think, "I don't want the work of having my own party and making
> all that food. I'll make one thing and then I'll get all the raves
> over my cooking without all the hassle of actually entertaining
> people in my home."
> Two of the people who brought food excused it by saying that they
> couldn't use it and didn't want it to go to waste. After thinking
> this over, I'm sure that this was meant to reassure me that they
> hadn't gone to a lot of trouble, as if my request was meant to save
> them work rather than granting myself the ability to have the kind of
> party I want to. But even given that, why did they not see the
> rudeness in this? Honestly, Boron, would you ever invite guests to
> your home and then put a platter on the table and say, "I was going
> to throw this out but decided to serve it to you instead."?
No, they're using the "didn't want the food to go to waste" line for the
same reason that you don't tell your grandmother that it was a big PITA for
you to take off a couple hours of work to take her to the doctor. They don't
want you worrying about how much work they put into the food.
>> Though it disturbs you to have to deal with guests who bring food or
>> drinks, I cannot believe that anything but good intentions are behind
>> the offerings. These are guests in your home and unless you feel
>> there is some very deliberate slight or thoughtlessness on their
>> part, they are to be treated graciously and with welcome. If their
>> behavior bothers you - and you are certainly entitled to those
>> feelings - don't invite them back.
>
> If I thought not inviting them back would solve the problem, I'd do
> that. But there seems to be a cascading effect at work here. If
> three people bring food when I've requested they not do so, next year
> six people will bring food despite the request, because they'll think
> I didn't *really* mean it. (After all, the food others brought was
> served -- this is why I should have taken it off the table and put it
> away.) And the year after that 12 people will bring food. I know
> because I tried the note on the invitation a few years back, and
> that's exactly what happened.
>
>> It is great to be able to complain on Usenet and get rejoinders and
>> quips to use next time, but what it really comes down to is trying to
>> find some way of being gracious under fire. Guests show up with their
>> own, uninvited guests in tow; show up too early or too late; stoned
>> or drunk; arguing with a spouse or partner; with an amour, rather
>> than their partner ...any group of 30 guests will bring along a few
>> unexpected happenings. It is all part of entertaining and you either
>> roll with it or seriously winnow your potential guest list.
>
> I think I can be gracious under fire and still not serve the food
> others have brought.
I think that's just setting yourself up for people to talk about why you
didn't serve the wonderful food they brought to your party.
You know what I would do? I'd bite my tongue, smile, and thank my guests for
the wonderful food they brought. I'd stick it on the buffet table and get
over it. Remember, people aren't bringing food to spite you; they're doing
it because they care.
--
tooloud
Remove nothing to reply
ra...@westnet.poe.com
> >>You are under no obligation to serve it. That is true. And you are not
> >>being rude if you do not serve it, but yes, any shelter remarks are
> >>beyond The Pale.
> >
> > Not if that's what you're actually going to do with it.
> Are you suggesting that just because it's the truth, it can't be rude?
> Because it certainly can.
Sure, no argument. But in Anny's case, wehn she's clearly been twigged by
someone bringing in food and setting it up in the middle of her carefully
planned spread? No, so long as the expression is genuine, it's not peyond
the pale.
ra...@westnet.poe.com
<snip>
> I'm sure I've told you all of my brother's high school friend who
> dumpster-dived three hand-tailored wool suits at the dump in the very
> upscale town of Lake Forest, Illinois. Took 'em to the tailor, whose
> label was in the suits, got them altered to fit him perfectly, and was
> an impeccably-dressed young man about town.
And people get all over my case when I have the temerity to mention that
dumpster diving might be a good option for them: Look, it works really
well for those with the gumption/ability.
John
Boron Elgar
<moon.b...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
>I miss three-piece suits.
I have a couple.
I think The Hub has one, though I bet he cannot button the vest any
more.
Boron
Greg Goss
That's why they put so many buttons on the vest. It's really a
girdle.
Dover Beach
> Boron Elgar <boron...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
>>On Tue, 21 Feb 2006 19:49:18 -0600, Dover Beach
>><moon.b...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>>>
>>>I miss three-piece suits.
>>
>>
>>I have a couple.
>>
>>I think The Hub has one, though I bet he cannot button the vest any
>>more.
>
> That's why they put so many buttons on the vest. It's really a
> girdle.
Everyone just looked so sharp in them. I gave a fancy dinner party in
high school once and the guys all wore three-piece suits (one guy had a
brown velvet one -- wowee). The nicest pretty girl (the prettiest nice
girl?) in school had a great three-piece suit in white denim. Sure, it
had culottes instead of a skirt, but she still looked fab in it.
--
Dover
Charles Wm. Dimmick
I have one still left.
No, I can't button the vest.
One too many meals.
chrisgreville
"Charles Wm. Dimmick" <cdim...@snet.net> wrote in message
news:EvNNf.18554$NS6....@newssvr30.news.prodigy.com...
If I button my waistcoat (vest to you furrenners), everybody takes cover.
Them thar buttons are more lethal than Aster's loaded bra.
--
Chris Greville
--
I didn't know I was applying for a sheep-poking job.I simply thought I
was getting a T1 line. Had I known that SBCs headquarters was on
Brokeback Mountain, I would have kept my back to the wall, and snuck
out quietly.
Computype in NANABL