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Ask Amy column on dating: Some women haven't gotten the message yet....
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Lenona
Feb 1, 2012, 12:50:58 PM2/1/12
to
70-plus comments so far.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-its-time-for-this-woman-to-say-check-please/2012/01/19/gIQAH3TlfQ_story.html
DEAR AMY: I’m a 50-year-old man and I find myself lost in a difficult
situation. I’d like your unbiased opinion.
I’ve been dating a 50-year-old woman for almost four months. I am
always the one to ask for dates, and she never offers to help defray
any expenses when we go out.
I make more money than she does, and don’t expect her to meet me
anywhere near 50/50, but it would be nice to have her cook me dinner
once in a while, or take me to the movies, or show some small
investment.
I’ve mentioned it, but there hasn’t been any movement toward
reciprocation. I feel unimportant as a result. What are your thoughts?
-- Mike
DEAR MIKE: Your date is enjoying herself enough to accompany you — as
long as you make all the plans, do all the work and pick up the check.
I bet you could find a whole lot of people who would happily accompany
you for all-expenses-paid outings, so her willingness to show up
doesn’t exactly put her in special company.
If this woman were really into you, she would be so-o-o-o on it. She
would demonstrate that she is eager to spend time with you without you
always asking first. If she couldn’t afford to treat you to an
occasional meal, she’d be baking basketfuls of muffins and dropping
them off on your porch.
Regardless of her actions or reactions, you have been a gentleman. You
have also been honest about something that bothers you (good for you!)
and she is disregarding it.
Most important, you feel devalued. When people are a good fit for each
other, the dynamic is joyful, fun and one of mutual respect.
If you want to have a real relationship with someone, you’ll have to
look elsewhere.
(end)
One appalling comment by a reader said that if the woman is having sex
with him, he should stop complaining. Thankfully, another reader
pointed out that that's just prostitution, which, chances are, isn't
the sort of relationship he wants. (Besides, how would that be
"payment" anyway, since women, typically, enjoy sex as much as men?)
Anyway, I think this is the sort of thing that should be resolved by
the third date at the latest. If he doesn't want to dump her if she
keeps refusing to "host," he could take her only to things that don't
cost money, and when she starts complaining about missing the cute
restaurants and theatres they used to go to, he can remind her of what
he expects from a relationship. (Then, chances are she'll dump him,
I'm guessing.) But why drag it out?
Personally, though, I think it's often a good idea to postpone ANY
dates that cost money, just as most people understand the need to
postpone sex. Go for walks in the park and such before deciding to
spend money on the person. By then, you'll have a better idea of
whether or not the person is likely to be a moocher.
Lenona.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/ask-amy-its-time-for-this-woman-to-say-check-please/2012/01/19/gIQAH3TlfQ_story.html
DEAR AMY: I’m a 50-year-old man and I find myself lost in a difficult
situation. I’d like your unbiased opinion.
I’ve been dating a 50-year-old woman for almost four months. I am
always the one to ask for dates, and she never offers to help defray
any expenses when we go out.
I make more money than she does, and don’t expect her to meet me
anywhere near 50/50, but it would be nice to have her cook me dinner
once in a while, or take me to the movies, or show some small
investment.
I’ve mentioned it, but there hasn’t been any movement toward
reciprocation. I feel unimportant as a result. What are your thoughts?
-- Mike
DEAR MIKE: Your date is enjoying herself enough to accompany you — as
long as you make all the plans, do all the work and pick up the check.
I bet you could find a whole lot of people who would happily accompany
you for all-expenses-paid outings, so her willingness to show up
doesn’t exactly put her in special company.
If this woman were really into you, she would be so-o-o-o on it. She
would demonstrate that she is eager to spend time with you without you
always asking first. If she couldn’t afford to treat you to an
occasional meal, she’d be baking basketfuls of muffins and dropping
them off on your porch.
Regardless of her actions or reactions, you have been a gentleman. You
have also been honest about something that bothers you (good for you!)
and she is disregarding it.
Most important, you feel devalued. When people are a good fit for each
other, the dynamic is joyful, fun and one of mutual respect.
If you want to have a real relationship with someone, you’ll have to
look elsewhere.
(end)
One appalling comment by a reader said that if the woman is having sex
with him, he should stop complaining. Thankfully, another reader
pointed out that that's just prostitution, which, chances are, isn't
the sort of relationship he wants. (Besides, how would that be
"payment" anyway, since women, typically, enjoy sex as much as men?)
Anyway, I think this is the sort of thing that should be resolved by
the third date at the latest. If he doesn't want to dump her if she
keeps refusing to "host," he could take her only to things that don't
cost money, and when she starts complaining about missing the cute
restaurants and theatres they used to go to, he can remind her of what
he expects from a relationship. (Then, chances are she'll dump him,
I'm guessing.) But why drag it out?
Personally, though, I think it's often a good idea to postpone ANY
dates that cost money, just as most people understand the need to
postpone sex. Go for walks in the park and such before deciding to
spend money on the person. By then, you'll have a better idea of
whether or not the person is likely to be a moocher.
Lenona.
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