humor

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If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner.
--Lynda Montgomery

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead. --Johnny Carson

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
--Dave Barry