[REPOST] Public transit in 2000
Herc Wad
trip down memory lane with predictions for 2000. Enjoy!
The following are my fredictions for what will probably happen in the world of
public transit in the new year. I wanted to get Conan O' Brien, Andy Richter,
and the band guy to do this like their famous skit, but they jacked up their
prices because it actually was the year 2000. The dastards.
Anyway, here come the predictions:
*Judge Thomas Jackson rules that Laidlaw is a monopoly and by focusing the
company on taking over small contractors and skimping on wages and maintenance
have led to woefully inferior service. The judge also threw out Laidlaw's
defense that they were gobbling up smaller companies in the name of "consumer
innovation".
*Violating the law yet again, Mayor Richard Riordan appoints another L.A. City
Council member to the MTA Board. This time, it's Mike Hernandez. When Daily
News reporter Rick Orlov asked Riordan on his choice, the mayor said, "Now that
Richard Alatorre is gone, I need someone else on the board who has a blow
habit."
*For one week, MTA's contractors fail to pull out a single bus because there
was no equipment that worked. After bombarded by tens of thousands of
complaints, MTA takes decisive action by giving the contractors a 20-year
extension.
*Eric Mann proves that he will do anything for media attention when he leads
the Bus Riders Union to loudly protest the high fares on Commerce Municipal Bus
Lines.
*Cashing in on the popularity of pro wrestling, SMMBL will host a battle royal
between advertisers. The last ad agency thrown from the ring will win the right
to advertise on the back of Big Blue Buses for 20 years.
*The MTA's three unions will strike this summer right around the time the
Democrats' convention is in town. The unions got their members the 25% per year
raise over five years, but were angry that management took away the festive
cookies employees get on holidays.
*L.A. City Attorney (and mayoral candidate) James Hahn will file another
successful injunction against 18th St. Because of this ruling, Foothill
Transit's drivers may no longer interact while on layover at Wilshire & Union.
*The recent problems at the L.A. Times cause many reporters to quit the
newspaper. Jeffrey Rabin leaves reporting behind to become a highly paid PR guy
for the Bus Riders Union.
*The MTA's "fuel of the month club" reconvenes for new ideas to fuel the large
fleet of buses. This time, they are recommending the design of a bus which runs
off the fumes of passengers' body odor.
*Torrance Transit completely cancels lines 1, 2, 3, and 7. With the money and
equipment savings, Torrance will begin 10 minute service on ZEST.
*Following the lead of many cities, OCTA votes to oppose their own Centerline
light rail project, yet still proceed full speed ahead to build the line.
*After APTA dubs MTA "the dirtiest transit system in North America", board
members decide to raise hogs on low-productivity lines in lieu of contracting
out or BDOF.
*The success of TBS's "The Chimp Channel" inspires Laidlaw to begin hiring
chimpanzees as drivers to reduce turnover.
*In relation to the story above, Laidlaw accidentally hires a gorilla for its
OCTA Access operation, who unfortunately proceeds to pummel an elderly
passenger.
*After the Bus Riders Union joins the unionized MTA workers striking during the
summer, they will introduce a new character complementing Super Pasajera. This
time, a BRU member will be dressed up as a masked bus driver named Ralph
Crammed-In.
*At an MTA board meeting, Kym Richards will knock Ralph Crammed-In out cold and
unmask him, revealing him to be Raymond Yu.
"Mmm...snouts."-Homer Simpson
SoCalTIP-http://socaltip.lerctr.org
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic
illness."-President George W. Bush
SoCalTIP-http://www.socaltip.org