(Warning: stop reading if you are offended by gratuitous, though
sparse, profanity.)1) checked bag now. Stupidest business move in
accessible memory (this early, I'll admit that's limited). So I
thinks, "self, let's carry on blue duffel and avoid $25 fee." Impressed
with cleverness, and having located the poorly labeled but shorter line
for self checkin, I checked big bag and proceeded to security with blue
duffel and bright red nerdbag.Guess where I put Buck knife and Swiss
Army pen knife, plus an apparently prohibited socket wrench.Back in
shorter poorly signed self line. Wait. Tell "Severely Stupid Device"
(so pet named by SEA AA agents - corporate probably prefers Self
Service Device) that I'd like to check a bag. Q. Guess how many minutes
before flighttime it has become. (A. 20) I'm checking in too late, it
cheerfully and judgmentally announces. It prints "information" to take
to agent. Walk to agent, stand behind lady he's "helping." She leaves,
and, impressively rapidly, so does he. Chase up and down counter a bit.
Winded, he stops and I pounce, ignoring his attempts to dissuade me by
sticking bag tags to his shirt and studying a computer. "Go talk to
manager". "Ok. Will I have to pay $25 for this? When was that policy
announced?" (I growled, politeness no longer being necessary with this
particular individual, who does not know my name.) "Uhh, only applies
if you bought your ticket after May 12." Very interesting. Wish I
remembered when ticket purchased. Find manager, now completely ignoring
lines, signs, etc. She suggests I have two options: throw bag away
(said straightfaced...most impressive), or...actually, I forget the
other, similarly ridiculous choice. She tires of my staring at her
silently, and suggests I could take a later flight for $35 change fee +
$25 2nd bag fee. I ask when ticket was booked, to which she
replies, "May 3...oh...there's no bag fee." I smile. "So just the
change fee?" She nods, looking nervous that I might actually go for
this and become a satisfied customer. "Let's do it," I say, fetching my
checkbook. Yes, I was going to write a personal check to AA for $35.
I'm sure it would have cost the airline, paragon of efficiency, at
least $100 to process that. "Say, is there a discount since it's my
birthday?" Fee disappears in a "donworryboutit" grumble. For this I
consider nominating her for sainthood. (If I had any idea which Vatican
official to contact.) Apparently she senses this, because she becomes
very friendly, gives me an exit row seat (oooh!) and points out that my
now-nonstop flight gets in earlier. If only that were true...the
nonstop actually gets in 2h later than STL-connected arrangement.Typing
to you having leisurely eaten croissant and sipped coffee. Flight now
leaves at a civilized...oh...SHIT!Gotcha. Ha! Boards in 2 hours, 6
minutes, which is sufficient for me to feel comfortable sipping coffee
in the baggage area, listening to piped in ...huh...I'll be
damned...learned a new artist...the familiar ditty is "Harden my Heart"
by Quarterflash. A band formed in...wait for it...nine motherfuckin'
teen eighty, bitches. (My birth year, yes, now the internet can deduce
my DOB. I've considered that for awhile, but can't summon sufficient
paranoia to change it.)Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

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Posted By Josh Powell to Josh at 6/05/2008 05:51:00 AM