A revised Crowleyish rendering of Sonnet 97:
1. How like a Winter hath my absence beene
Oxenforde has been away, due to chilly relations with the Queen.
2. From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting yeare?
She is still his pleasure, even though the years are passing and she
isn’t getting any younger. Also, "fleet" sounds remarkably like a
high-pitched fart, giving the sense that Oxenforde has missed his epic
turd dropping fests with his Queen
3. What freezings have I felt, what darke daies seene?
Oxenforde has seen the Queen’s dark orgasms and then been frozen out.
Also, the sense that he's felt her frigid body.
4. What old Decembers barenesse every where?
The Queen’s December is upon us; she’s old and barren, and will never
have an heir. That fact will be having an effect everywhere in the
country. Of course, "bare -ness also refers to the Queen's ("old
December's") aged, naked body.
5. And yet this time remov'd was sommers time,
Not like in the not-so-long-ago past (removed time) when it was
6. And teeming Autumne big with ritch increase,
And Mary QS was big with child and big with tits blowing in the August
7. Bearing the wanton burthen of the prime,
Bearing her child ("burthen" = birth) (the product of her wanton
sexual escapades with Darnley), when still in her prime. Prime also
meaning James "I".
8. Like widdowed wombes after their Lords decease:
England is now like the womb of a widow since its Lord, QEI, can no
longer have an heir (her childbearing years have ceased).
9. Yet this aboundant issue seem'd to me,
Yet Oxenforde had hoped that the Queen would have a child (issue), to
keep the fabric (seem) of the nation tied together.
10. But hope of Orphans, and un-fathered fruite,
But all his hopes have been orphaned, and there will be no fruit of
11. For Sommer and his pleasures waite on thee,
For Darnley’s son, the product of his pleasures (James I), is the one
who will rule England (and will have the people, his servants, waiting
12. And thou away, the very birds are mute.
And, with QEI gone (away) the result will be abhorrent even to nature,
13. Or if they sing, tis with so dull a cheere,
So that England will be rendered dull and irrelevant.
14. That leaves looke pale, dreading the Winters neere.
It will sicken and may possibly die.
It still needs more turds, but I venture it will be pretty close to
his anal analysis.