Written by Erik Amonson & Lukas Kaiser
Everything
gets celebrated nowadays…and with that in mind, it's time to celebrate
something IMPORTANT for once:
the greatest advancements in fast food history.
10. McDonald's Monopoly
How do you combine the ruthless consumerism of the fast food industry with a board game about ruthless consumerism? Easily. You put "game pieces" on whatever you're looking to move (large fries and drinks, Big Macs), and then you advertise the holy hell out of it. People like fast food, but people love fast food plus a chance to win a million dollars, or, as was more often the case, "1 sm. fry." Over the years, McDonald's has given out enough prizes to choke an asthmatic baby (read: 1 sm. fry) because, as it turns out, someone high on the game piece totem was siphoning off the rare pieces, giving them to his friends, and sharing in the winnings. Ah, to be possessed by the spirit of Monopoly.
9. Angus Beef
It's delicious and, by now, this high quality meat is an option on everyone's menu. But it wasn't until 1994 that any fast food chain dove head first into Angus. It was Arctic Circle, the Utah-based-and-therefore-little-known burger joint, who first went Angus-only back in 1994; they remain the only fast food restaurant to deal exclusively in Angus Beef today. Though they are alone in the refusal to carry lesser meats, Arctic Circle deserves a sliver of recognition for putting enough regional pressure on the big chains to get them to step up their respective games.
8. McDonald's introduces supersize it
7. Taco Bell stays open late and encourages drunks to eat their "fourth meal"
6. Subway successfully tricks people into thinking they make healthy fast food
5. Wendy's 99 Cent Menu
The
main attraction of fast food was that it was fast. But people kept
coming back in droves for another reason. No, not because it was
delicious. Are you serious? You're gonna get your ass kicked even
suggesting that one. No...not because it was so gosh darned healthy for
you. Look in the mirror--do you look healthy? Do you even look alive?
No...people kept coming back because fast food was CHEAP. That,
unfortunately, stopped being the case. With the advent of McDonald's
meal menu and steady inflation during the 1980s, fast food quietly got
more expensive, sort of like a whore who handcuffs you, gives you a
blow job and then takes your wallet. By 1988, you couldn't get a full
meal at a fast food spot for under three bucks, unless you were an
anorexic girl or a two year old. Enter Wendy's 99 Cent Value Menu. From
1988 until a few years ago, all items on the 99 Cent Menu were...99
cents. The choices on the menu varied--sometimes a baked potato,
sometimes some strange desert item, often times a weird cheeseburger
with bacon that changed its name weekly--but from then on, you knew you
could get full for very cheap. McDonalds soon followed suit with their
dollar menu and Taco Bell and KFC recently introduced their own
versions--but you can thank Dave Thomas for keeping your cheap eats
intact.
4. The Drive-Through (or: The Drive-Thru)
Drive-through service was pioneered by banks who rightly assumed that their customers hated to stand up under any circumstance. But it was long after the frontier had been blazed by banks that fast food restaurants finally took up the standard of the drive-through window. The first drive-through window opened in an Arizona McDonald's in 1975 to help serve a nearby military base, but its popularity was not limited to the army, and so the concept took root and spread. The drive-through is beautiful not only because it allows you to stand up roughly one-less time per trip to a fast food restaurant, it also seriously reduces the amount of interpersonal contract necessary, and excises almost all direct contact. Talk into the speaker, give money, take food, leave. The drive-through is quick and clean and leaves very little opportunity to ruin your day, except when you drive home and realize that your order is so wrong that it makes you want to open up your own fast food place just to see if it's really that hard, Well, guess what? I did, and it isn't.
3. Pizza is Delivered
Sometime after World War Two, soldiers returning from the Italian front opened pizzerias. There were so many, though, that competition was tense, and that competition resulted in one of the finest consumer conveniences ever imagined: hot food brought directly to your door, ready to be served and immediately eaten. I want you to think back, now, on all the nights you've had in which a delivered pizza has saved your lazy ass from actually working to feed yourself in any way. This is nothing to be trivialized. Think about what it must have been like before World War II. You'd call up your local pizza place and ask if you could get a pizza delivered only to be informed that there are no pizzeria's yet -- they largely weren't opened until after the war, remember? -- and you're talking to a guy at the lead paint store and, "Would you like some lead paint?" And, also, your kids act all crazy from the lead paint. Aren't you glad you can get a pizza delivered?
2. Ray Kroc Supersizes McDonald's
Ray Kroc was a 50-something-year-old milkshake machine salesman when he first set foot in a McDonald's restaurant, so he knew he didn't have any more time to waste. He was interested by the quantity of machines the McDonald's wanted (8), and immediately went into business with them setting up a series of their quick-serve burger stops across the state of California. He bought out the McDonald brothers in 1961 and pushed his fast food empire global. Finally, in a move that surprised no one, the McDonald's magnate died of heart trouble. Live by the burger, die by the burger.
1. The Earl of Sandwich puts meat between two pieces of bread