When A Mother Enables
Linda
Thamkrabok. I am sure from day one he was planning his escape! He
made it 12 days of the 20+ planned and then left for Bangkok. I was
sure that I would never see him again. NO, he did not use in Bangkok
and came home clean and with a light in his eyes that I had not seen
in years. It did not last of course and he has lapsed. He barely
speaks of his time there, but I know it deeply affected him, good and
bad. I wanted to write today for the families. Yes, I feel that
perhaps this journey was for me, that this was my lesson You want
them back so bad, you will talk yourself into believing just what you
want to, even if it just isn't true. My lesson from this was to stop.
Stop and let go. My son is 30 years old and I treat him like he's
12. He sure figured how to get home from clear across the world, so
it is time for him to recover on HIS terms and his way. I have
decided not to live with him anymore and he has decided that living in
the same town with his dealers and Mexico 15 minutes away is not good
for him either and he is moving away to take a job with his father in
San Francisco. His father left us when he was one year old and was a
huge cocaine addict and dealer. His dad has been clean for a long
time and perhaps now, he can step in and try his hand at this. After
four years of living with an IV heroin user, I must say, that I am a
shell of whom I used to be. I am broke from taking care of him. I am
emotionally bankrupt. Last night I slept two hours and was throwing
up the rest of the time and crying. How could he be using again?
Sound familiar to any parents out there? I love my son so much it has
made me sick. I am letting go of his hand, but I will never stop
believing in him and being there for him. I had a wise recovering
heroin addict tell me that my son was standing in the flames of hell
and if I keep holding his hand, that I am holding him over the flames
and if I don't let him go, how can he ever get to the other side? I AM
HOLDING HIM THERE. Everyone just keeps telling me to get out of the
way and I am.
What have I learned?
That love does not heal everything. You can not love an addict sober.
Heroin = Hell. Addicts don't want to be addicts. Addiction truly is a
disease. Enabling is a disease. That heroin may win. Money won't cure
addiction. Rehab must be the addicts choice. Addicts have a deep, deep
hole in their souls that only they can fix. Never give up hope. A day
alive is another chance.
I was not going to write. I was not going to announce another FAIL,
but I think relapses must be discussed as well as successes.
When the nun asked me why Steve wasn't making his own plans, I just
kept doing what I do best, planning and controlling his recovery.
Just isn't working and never will. Metta to all.
Linda
jonlie....@gmail.com
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Leanne Mifflin
I have read your messages, felt the fear, desperation and the hope in each one. My journey with my son was not long before yours, I had already lost one son to suicide and the fear of losing another consumed me. I understood your depth of fear, desperation and the fire in belly of a mother wanting to save her son. I too fought with that fire to save my son and get him to a safe place, away from any triggers and connection and hoped for some type spiritual connection or simplicity that he would connect with to save him.
I recently did a workshop with a large group of parents, we were all at varying stages of addiction with our loved ones but the one thing we had in common was that genuine desire to have them functioning. The moment I actually allowed myself to accept he might never be drug free was profound for me, that was not how I had ever dealt with his addiction, I did everything but accept it. For me now, I can see his addiction less and him more. I also see how I am a better parent because of all that has gone down. They say let go and hold tight and I embrace that, I have let go of his addiction and his recovery but not him and hope. There is always hope. There a deep scars for me too Linda that I don't know if they will ever quite heal, but I have a future and dreams I need to get on with too. Sleep, precious sleep well I have some better nights, I have just decided to do things differently.
I think you are a good mother, you articulate your feelings and your honesty is amazing. You did the best you could and don't ever discount that truth, only you know if you held your son over the flames, but what ever you did or did not do his life and safety was your motivation. I am glad that his dad has stepped up so you can let go some and hopefully get time to look after yourself and recover. You know when you go on a plane and they do the emergency drill, they always say if you travelling with children to put the oxygen mask firstly on yourself so you are breathing before you tend to your child, it's the same thing I think Linda, its your time to be breathing. Maybe there are parts of us that never quite heal but we do have a future and our dreams for ourselves.
My son was in Thamkrabok and is now resident at New Life in Chiang Rai and it is not without his struggles as he is resistant to participate in activities. To him because he is not doing any drugs that is enough and he is not open to learn much including coping strategies and alternatives. I know it is a day by day and today is a good day he is drug free.
Warm Regards
Leanne
-----Original Message-----
From: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com [mailto:friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com] On Behalf Of Linda
Sent: Tuesday, 17 April 2012 5:49 AM
To: Friends of Thamkrabok Monastery
Subject: [FOTM:3178] When A Mother Enables
What have I learned?
Linda
--
Reme
I am too a mother whose son went to the monastery, as I read these emails I
feel the pain and the fear of your situation as I was there myself, today my
son is free of drugs, and started a new life away from the darkest place
(hell) he was once before. I thank everyone who helped him and had hope and
love for him. The monastery did helped him; but it had to come from himself
the wanting to change his life, he also did not come back home after the
monastery, to the old negatives relationships and the old negative
environment, he is so far away from home!.... but he is free and getting
healthier day by day. Linda, you did what any loving and caring mother will
do and he knows that, you are right of letting him go, at least physically,
you will never stop being his mother, and maybe now his father will help,
your son needs to want it himself. None can help with that. Leanne, your
story is so sad, but you seen well balanced and coping... your advice is
strong and powerful. Thank you both for sharing your situations with all,
positive or negatives outcomes, it remind us of that we aren't alone in the
addiction war and that like Leanne said, is day by day... Best to you,
another mother.
Audrey Delaney
Hi Linda, I feel for you and can relate from both sides. I am a mother of teens but I am also someone who has gone through Thamkrabok four years ago.
An addict does not want to be an addict the same way most suicides do not want to be dead, its all about controlling the pain. Stopping the pain.
A commitment has to come from them and in them. That switch must go of. Support the good choices and walk away from the bad ones.
If you cushion someone to much and catch them every time they fall, they will never feel the full impact of their downward out of control spiral and therefore never feel the full need to recover. They need to hit that fall to make the switch go of in their head.
I valued Thamkrabok because I totally organized it on my own, I paid and sacrificed to go. It is well documented, if you hand a child a mobile phone, they take it for granted, want the next better model once that novelty wears off. If you make them work and pay for what they desire. They treasure their phone (or chosen materialistic item). It has value, something they worked for and contributed to, .
This is the same for treatment, I have plenty of experience with people going into treatment including Thamkrabok. If they are handed it and all taken care of there is no value to it. If they are given ultimatums, or talked into being sent somewhere that will help them or emotionally blackmailed into going, again it is not coming from a deep place within their souls or choices. Some merely accept it as another place or person to fix them. They need to commit and do the work themselves. As you said if he can get to Bangkok and find his way home, he could if he really wanted to, have got himself there and it would have been worth something to him.
You have not failed by any means. You have grown and learned what it takes from trying what you knew, which was a mother protecting and minding her child. Just because this did not work does not mean anything other than you will change your next steps. Like every invention or therapy, there is a lot of different paths, formulas or prototypes before its right. You explored all the options available to you. What you did not have was knowledge and his help. This is only gained with each experience and choices we make.
Love does work. The problem is Loving an addict does not come with instructions. It has different rules. What we think is loving is actually cushioning the addict, it makes it an easier place for them to stay that way. We are afraid of tough love because we would live in fear of them dying.
So my advice as above is Love them all the time, just support only the good decisions, give them valuable information that can help their recovery, like Thamkrabok, provide the seat and the phone for THEM to ring and make enquiries and arrangements. If they can come up with money for drugs and have committed to that, they will find a way to help fund treatment that’s needed and in the mean time cut down on substances to show and prove commitment to themselves before they go.
You loved you son the best way any mother could do. You cannot own their pain or their addiction. When they learn to own that and seek ways to do that themselves with a hunger not just a "want someone or something to fix them". Then your son will recover.
You have done so much for him and he will look back and see that. You could not have done any more. Its just time to change tactics and put yourself first. The stronger you get the easier you will be able to do the next stage in recovery. That’s just be there. Do nothing, just be there.
All my prayers and remember, this intrusion in your life that your son has, never came with a guide in any language. Everyone, that includes you and your son does the best that they can within their capabilities at anyone time. He now needs to do his best on his own. Show him how strong you are because when he reaches that point, if he holds onto the guilt of what he has done to his beautiful mother, its another pain to hold him back. You fix you and it will give him encouragement and strength. Its not easy. You have carried him this far. Now the weight is of. Lighten the load and take care of you.
Warmest thoughts and prayers.
Audrey
-----Original Message-----
From: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com
[mailto:friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com]
On Behalf Of Linda
Sent: 16 April 2012 22:49
To: Friends of Thamkrabok Monastery
Subject: [FOTM:3178] When A Mother Enables
Things certainly did not go as planned for my son when he went to
--
roy 2522
I'm able to understand your situation,don't put anymore stress on
yourself..you done all the best you can.try looking more on positive
side .
Wish you well & healthy
Sent from my Windows Phone
From: jonlie....@gmail.com
Sent: 17/4/2012 8:41
To: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com
Subject: Re: [FOTM:3179] When A Mother Enables
If you love your son so much, you will find a way to cure him. Don't
support addict with money, support him with treatment. If you let go
him, he will feel nobody stand for him it will make it worst. Believe
me that's the way I feel before I married my wife
Sent from my BlackBerry®
powered by Sinyal Kuat INDOSAT
-----Original Message-----
From: Linda <l.je...@yahoo.com>
Sender: friends-of-tham...@googlegroups.com
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:49:17
JAY IN OZ
Makes u think how each family member has sacrificed themselves for you, when dealing with ur issues. Brothers, sisters, parents, kids dealing directly with the pain.
It is no wonder that many loved ones cease their pain by distancing themselves. Whilst I greatly understand distancing oneself from the pain, some of the most favorable experiences in life do come from Holding onto your Hope. But it can be a serious drain to your health and well being.
I do think a person really does need to Hit their own personally Rock Bottom to make a life changing decision especially in terms of seeking recovery. Often the pain u cause others u love can be enough for some, often not.... we each have our own personal rock bottom that some will try to climb out of the self made ditch one day. Until then Hold onto the Hope.... Many have probably seen some remarkable and strong minded recoveries... but u need to reach that v low point before being the journey. Accepting that many do not make it is an unfortunate acceptance we all must reach. You know if you doing all you can do... this is all each of us can.
Carers and Support need to look after themselves also.
V interesting read... Cheers Jay
Leanne Mifflin
Audrey
That was a fantastic email. Thankyou
Leanne
Audrey Delaney
Thank you for acknowledging me Leanne. You have made my day knowing that some of my thoughts and experiences may have helped you. For that I am grateful.
I will say a prayer tonight for you and your son.
Warmest thoughts
Audrey (large writing is for Mae Shee Rambhais as it is easier for her to read)