joke mania - 78 A4 sider

[salem]

Her er et ton vittigheder

salem

'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system was fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's gas!
well anyway....
I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.
Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
"Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.
I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
he said, "Darn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.
I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.
He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that booty waitin' at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"
-------
(to the tune of "Always Something There to Remind Me"; personally, I
prefer the Dionne Warwick version, but the Naked Eyes version will
work nicely too)
-----
I test the software that you write
I try make it work for me
I read requirements that say
The way the code's supposed to be
Oh, how can I forgive you
When there is always a program that is dying
Always a program that is dying
Your programs are for shit, and you cannot make me see
Why this is such a travesty
When servers fall, I send a small report
To all the managers
And in the meeting later on you start to
Lie and point fingers
Oh, how can I forgive you
When there is always a program that is dying
Always a program that is dying
Your programs are for shit, and you cannot make me see
Why this is such a travesty.
If you should find yourself replaced
By someone who has got a clue
Just go back to a college somewhere
And you might learn what to do
Oh, how can I forgive you
When there is always a program that is dying
Always a program that is dying
Your programs are for shit, and you cannot make me see
when there is, when there is
when there is always a program that is dying.....
-----
So which condom would you use....?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
------
18 Ways To Annoy The Person Sitting Next To You On a Flight
1. Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection
Program too?"
2. Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were
out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a
natural diuretic?" Smile.
3. Call the stewardess "nurse".
4. Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand
held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to
command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
5. Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"
6. Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather
we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
7. Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never
ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it
not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just
because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you
can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece
of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your
throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.
8. Continually offer to share your "Beano".
9. Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet
Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow
passengers in for tea.
10. Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would
mind going back so you can check.
11. Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your
lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few
times. Yell out "Yes! All right! I told them I didn't need a laptop!"
Plug the headphones into your nostril and play DOOM.
12. Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls,
construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft
likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
13. There is no 13. Some think it is an unlucky number. Try taking a bus
instead and annoy the passengers there.
14. Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and
arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and
say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a
person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
15. Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much
clearer up here...."
16. Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person
"mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from
"Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as
"That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at
you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
17. Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single
word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all
incorrectly. "?My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
18. Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim,
"Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
--
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the
workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million
(according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes,
presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about
31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones
and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which
seems logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a
second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the
stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump
into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept
for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78
miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650
miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at
best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly
seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the
monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates
enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same
fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy
per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost
instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating
deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be
vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time
Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing
him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's
dead now.
Merry Christmas....

--------
**A Beary Merry Christmas**
(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)
by BuckcuB
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the lair,
Not a creature was stirring 'cept me and my bear;
Our jockstraps were hung by the chimney -- hard cups,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would fill them up.
The houseguests were spread-eagled, gagged in their beds,
While visions of bear-orgies danced in their heads;
And Daddy in his tit-rings, and I with balls blue,
Had just settled down for a long winter's screw,
When out in the street there arose such a ruckus,
We sprang from our bed and cried, "Hey! what the fuck is...?!"
Away to the sliders we sprang with a roar,
Disabled the alarm, and opened the door.
The moon, on the gray piles of freshly-plowed slush,
Gave a luster of bar-gloom down there in that mush,
When, what did we see parked right next to the pub,
But a black Harley sleigh chained to eight naked cubs!
With a furry old driver, so matted in hair,
We knew it a moment it was Santa Bear.
More rapid than Porsches his cub-pack they came,
And he whistled and whipped them and called them by name:
"Now, Steven! now, Henry! now, Teddy and Ricky!
On, David! on, Jerry! on, Peter and Nicky!
To the top of the bar, to the top of the mall!
Now, dash away, dash away, dash away, all!"
As dry heaves that before the wild hangover roll,
When they meet with the toilet, hurl into the bowl,
So, up to our condo the nude cubs they flew,
With the sleigh full of sex toys -- and Santa Bear, too.
And then in a twinkling we heard on the deck
The tinkle and jingle of each steel-chained neck.
As we drew in our heads and were turning around,
From the rubber sling Santa Bear sprang with a bound.
He was cloaked in white hair from his head to his nuts,
And his fur was all slimy around his big putz.
A bundle of dildos he'd flung on the floor,
And he looked like a polar bear ready to roar.
His piercings, they twinkled! His nipples, how hairy!
His balls were like boulders! His cock was huge -- very!
His full fur-rimmed mouth was drawn up in a scowl,
And the beard on his chin would make any cub howl!
The stump of a stogie he clenched in his teeth,
Macanudo smoke circled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad gut from the booze at the disco,
That shook, when he laughed, like a tubful of Crisco.
He was chubby and pumped -- a real sexy old elf,
And I shot when I saw him, in spite of myself.
The length of his shaft, and the size of the head,
Soon gave us to know we had plenty to dread.
He spoke not a "grr," but went straight to his role,
And he sucked my bear dry, then he porked my cub hole.
Then, laying a finger aside his P.A.,
And roaring a growl, he rose up and away.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his cubs gave a spanking,
(From Steven to Nicky, in order of ranking),
And I heard him roar out, ere they drove out of sight,
"Beary Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
--

A POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS STORY
(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
(*I* like this one!)
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Two women were on a plane..
...one was Jewish and the other was black. The plane started to
have major turbulence and the pilot got on the radio and said that they
had better get themselves ready for a crash landing.
The Jewish lady opened her purse and started to put on rings and
broaches and chains of gold.
The black girl looked at the Jewish woman and asked her why she
was doing that and she replied that they would find her quickly after
the crash as all of her jewelry would shine and they would see her.
The black girl thought for a moment and then started to take all
of her clothes off. The Jewish women asked the black woman why she was
taking all her clothes off. The black woman replied; "well they always
look for the black box first"
--

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope
and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned
House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in
nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or
sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such
time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.
kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur
upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to
said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did
immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the
cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter
"the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that
an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph"may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,
and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys
and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe
in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute
"gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the
U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose
and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House
to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
"lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state
and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Or words to that effect.

--

Mind Teaser: Christmas Songs
These are the names of well-known Christmas songs, rewritten in PC
(pretty convoluted). See if you can decipher them. First one given to
you as an example.
1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas: "Oh, Holy
Night"
2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres
3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous
darling
4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors
5. The apartment of two psychiatrists
6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist
7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis
8. Decorate the entryways
9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element
10. Oh small Israel urban center
11. Far off in a hay bin
12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole
13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season
14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation
15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season
16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully
17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in
the dark hours
18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction
19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe
20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory
sense organ?
21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels
which vibrate and bring forth a ringing
sound when struck
22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster
23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans
24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation,
darling
---
Translations:
1. Oh, Holy Night
2. Jingle Bell Rock
3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
4. All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
5. Nutcracker Suite
6. The Little Drummer Boy
7. Silent Night (Knight= Sir Lancelot)
8. Deck the Halls
9. Silver Bells
10. O Little Town of Bethlehem
11. Away in a Manger
12. We Three Kings
13. 12 Days of Christmas
14. Go Tell It On the Mountain
15. We Wish You A Merry Christmas
16. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
17. As Shepherds Watched Theit Flocks By Night
18. I Saw 3 Ships on Christmas Day
19. Joy to the World
20. Do You Hear What I Hear
21. The Bells of Christmas Are Ringing
22. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
23. God Rest You Merry Gentlemen
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
(knows rain, dear?!)
-----
A man was sitting at a bar...
... enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally
gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man
could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked
directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young
woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100; on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young
woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his
wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he
pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my
house."
--
Who is Sally?
‘
This is the brain-teaser I mentioned. I'm sorry about the length but it is
important to read it carefully, in full.

The game concerns an odd/eccentric person by the name of Sally. She is known
to have rather strong likes and dislikes. The stated objective (maybe goal)
of the game is to establish in your mind a personality profile of Sally,
sufficient to make you able to predict whether or not she would like or
dislike something. That something may be anything in the world.
Once a participant of the game has this ability to predict, she or he should
please refrain from telling others what to watch for, etc. Should just show
(primarily to the Game Master, i.e., myself), by predicting correctly, that
she/he now knows Sally sufficiently well. This takes a great deal of
self-discipline. Those people who want to help others in this, by portraying
Sally too clearly, should consider that the helpee is losing her/his chance
of a lifetime to arrive at the pertinent discoveries herself/himself. (This
inclusive language IS a nuisance.)
That much to think about, not on one's working time.
--------------------------------------
Sally likes messages, doesn't like replying. She prefers to communicate
orally. To my knowledge, this may be the first time that people are invited
to get acquainted with Sally in this way (by e-mail).
Bit of history, not necessarily pleasant: The question of her personal
profile arose first (this is just one version among others) when she got to
be investigated because of a fleeting affair with an SS artillery officer,
way back. She was then approached by some fellows from what then was OSS,
and liked them; some say that is how she got to the Western Hemisphere.
She never liked the FBI, she confided; although she found SOME good in
Hebert Hoover, of all people.
When it comes to seasons of the year, Sally likes the fall, which she
spends, by preference, in Mississippi; in summer, she loves her little
cottage in Connecticut.
Sally does like tennis and jogging. For entertainment, the WWW (and she's
"all for assistance to the cybernetically challenged").
I was asked about Sally's preferences in getting up and going home; some
questions are more difficult to answer than others. Sally loves or would
love to sleep till noon, and to be home for supper. Please realize one
cannot always do what one would "like." (This game is, not quite expectedly,
chockfull of lessons for me, too. At one point I deemed it necessary to
emphasize that Sally does not in any way represent my image of an ideal
woman. And her preferences are not necessarily my preferences; she is
independent.)
A question came about health issues: difficult, and neither you nor I are
apt to be pleased by this information. She likes food, I am sorry to say,
"the fatter the better," and sweets; vegetarian dietary ideas leave her
cold, she likes beef. In fats, butter. I suppose it's good she also likes
running/jogging.
Social attitudes: she supposedly likes, I think platonically (a critical
observer might say she loves to speechify about it), commitment to community
and such stuff (the poor homeless, and see also above, about the
"cybernetically challenged").
Have questioned Sally about her tastes in music. When she said, Beethoven, I
was wondering if it was for the sake of appearances; she certainly likes
jazz. She scoffed when I mentioned Stravinsky, same for minimalist music,
and chant. Additional info, provided by Doug; previously (it's December 13,
1997) unpublicized, and here partly censored by Game-Master no. 1 to avoid
making things too easy (Doug knows Sally, he was the first one to figure her
out): "Sally's musical tastes certainly run the gamut: Besides jazz and
Beethoven, I saw her at Tower Records browsing in the reggae and bluegrass
sections. Then, I saw her purchase Glass' soundtrack to 'Kaanisqatsi'" (I
rather like Phil Glass but haven't yet heard this piece. SSch)
Sally likes books, and among them, I am sorry to say, especially horror and
thrillers. Asked about Shakespeare (this sounds like the protocols from
Inquisition trials), she answered: Othello; and the Sonnets (among them,
like myself, the Sonnet 66; get your Complete Shakespeare if you don't know
that sonnet, it deserves reading).
Now, the original investigators could not, for reasons you will understand,
ask about her religious views, but I have found out that she is partial to
Buddhism; although (to please me, perhaps) she said she was favorably
impressed by a Trappist abbey..
Some new insights about Sally, not NECESSARILY pleasant ones: we went
through the list of our team's members, and she likes Jerry but not most of
the rest; not me, not Jane, not Jacqueline, not Tom; said she sort-of half
likes Mark Chello and Dave Kennaly . In the broader picture of the Library,
i.e. among the higher-ups, she's really fond of Billington, and to some
extent even Winston Tabb. (The copper roofing on Jefferson Bldg she
admires/loves.) If you wish to submit further questions, please do.)
(Some people did.) She does have a definite and woefully limited preference
in colors: green and yellow. For pets, she likes parakeets, not cats or dogs
(kittens and puppies do charm her, like most people).
Got a call from Sally this morning: she had been listening to the Garrison
Keillor reading poetry, as he does every workday on WETA at ca. 7:20 PM;
what he read today was from William Stafford's *Allegiances*, and she was
thrilled, she said.
Please be reminded, or read here amended instructions: When you got, you
feel, the right picture (shades of Derrida, one of her favorite authors: is
anything "right"?) , you check it with me the Supreme Game Master by telling
me, as somebody already has, a couple of things Sally likes and couple of
things she doesn't. I will bow to you, but your real reward is the
accomplishment itself. Please, then, do not take the chance from others by
describing Sally too fully or whatever. You are otherwise free (you would be
even if I didn't say so!) to consider yourselves Associate Game Masters and
exercise your creativity; once I have sorted out the problem how to get the
list of game players out of Groupwise into my PINE, I will send you that
list, if you wish.
Sally told me she generally does NOT care for the Masterpiece Theater, nor
the Mystery (two programs I mostly watch); her favorite channel is the CNN.
But she said that when she occasionally does see one of the programs
mentioned, she likes those made by BBC, in particularly the "Vermeers" in
them. (In case you don't know, the cameraman, or one of the cameramen, of
those BBC shows insists on having in each of them at least one "Vermeer,"
i.e., a shot taken with the lighting and angle of view and other aspects of
the image arranged so that the endproduct resembles Vermeer's paintings;
it's mostly faces, I believe).
Sally likes challenges, so she loves the maddening traffic when it's sleet
and slippery. That is a part of a sort of perverse side of Sally. She may
love her cottage but in the past she was known to embrace rebellion, and she
has no personal dislike of (for?) terrorists. It's hard to understand her
whims when it comes to politics: her favorites among US presidents are
Jefferson and Roosevelt but also, e.g., Coolidge; and she did like Mussolini
(not Hitler, thank goodness). (Maybe she got entranced by some body's
sporting on his car the sticker "Keep cool with Coolidge," in the 1960's)
Svato
Game Masters, having figured out Sally's complex personality. One is Doug,
he was the first, amazingly speedy with his insight. The 2nd, Jacqueline
(who had used the method of keeping silent but collecting all info; I don't
know if she sent it through some kind of personality-profile software,
maybe).
SOME OF MY MESSAGES MAY BE SLYLY MISLEADING; THEIR CONTENT, HOWEVER, IS
INVARIABLY VALID when it comes to Sally's likes/dislikes.
Now that we know who Sally is, we've come to realize that she's not quite so
limited with colors. She hates red but loves maroon. She likes sienna.
More later, Have to get back to talking to you!

A nun and a priest
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this
looks pretty grim."
"I know, father." the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or
two."
"I agree." said the nun.
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you
do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if Imight see
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I
ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he
was sporting an erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell
out of here."
--
Things to get your one-year old nephew this Christmas...
Things to get your one-year old nephew this Christmas...
o Arthritic, easy-to-open Tylenol bottles.
o Plastic bags.
o Matches.
o Anything that comes with lots of small, plastic objects.
o Drain-O.
o Fireworks.
o One-way ticket to Rio.
o Foster parents.

--
True Story: One Families Traditional Christmas Gift
This beats the stories of the same fruitcake(s) being given back and
forth for years... [quote bars removed elsewhere for clarity]
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the
same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time
the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a
car mashed into a 3-foot cube.
The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin.
Now Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.
It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin
trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill.
Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college
student.
He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather
and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.
Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three
times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas
the next year.
The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted
the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube
and gave them back to Kunkel.
The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch
square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.
Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a
2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with
steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were
damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.
Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had
a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them
into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a
5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given
to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound
homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched
Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the
treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting
torch.
Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to
Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it
with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe
shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for
Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south
of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with
95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will
definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January
to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.
"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
--
Its all in the tellin
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?"
asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'' I said, ``No,
sir. I'm too scared.'' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and
took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big
around as a baseball bat! He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door,
or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.''"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

A guy goes into a bar and orders a double. The bartender says, "Man, you
look terrible. What's the problem?" The guy says, "I just caught my
girl friend in bed with my best friend."
Bartender: "That's awful. What did you do?"
Guy: "I threw her naked ass out onto the front lawn, threw her clothes
out after her and told her that we were finished and I never wanted to
see her again."
Bartender: "Good for you - that was pretty tough. What did you do to
your best friend?"
Guy: "I shook my finger at him and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go
to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to
the refrigerator.

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the
side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings
it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What
should I do?"
He says , "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."

One sperm says to the other sperm, "How far is it to the ovary?"
The other sperm says, "Relax. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet."
--

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow
between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in
the sappling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends,
is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
-------------------------------
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted
all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry
to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer
stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes
crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing
down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
--
Tips on love
>From the mouths of babes....
Tips on love. From those that should know (all questions are being
answered by kids 5-10).
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and
you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy,
8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a
big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the
wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody
to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan,
9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN
LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's
in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on
fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"1It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take
out the trash." (Randy, 8)
--

MORE "YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF...."
by wil wolfgang
1. YOU THINK NO ONE WILL NOTICE YOUR CURLERS ON THE BUS.
2. YOUR HONEYMOON WAS AN OVERNIGHT STAY AT "KINGS DOMINION".
3. YOU CONSIDER "GOING GREYHOUND" TRAVELING IN STYLE.
4. YOU KNOW WERE TO BUY CHICKEN FEET.
5. YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK CHICKEN FEET.
6. YOU EAT FISH HEADS.
7. YOU DID ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FROM OUTSIDE VENDERS.
8. YOU HAVE A COUCH ON YOUR PORCH.
9. YOU BOUGHT PLASTIC PATIO FURNITURE FOR YOUR FRONT STOOP.
10. YOU REUSE GARBAGE BAGS.
11. YOU CAN’T GET A CAB IN YOUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD.
12. YOU CAN’T GET A BUS IN YOUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD.
13. YOU WOULDN’T DARE PARK YOUR CAR IN YOUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD.
14. YOU HAVE A CARPHONE IN YOUR YUGO.
15. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THE COPS SINGLED OUT YOUR GOLD RIMMED, WINDOW
TINTED, MIRRORED DOORED, LAVENDER COLORED NISSAN MAXIMA AS A DRUG DEALER’S
CAR.
16. YOUR SEVEN YEAR OLD SON KEEPS A PAGER IN HIS BACKPACK.
17. YOU WASH YOUR CAR AT A FIRE HYDRANT.
18. YOU DRINK FROM A FIRE HYDRANT.
19. YOU OWN A FIRE HYDRANT WRENCH.
20. YOU’VE BEEN USING THE SAME TOOTHBRUSH FOR 2 YEARS.
21. THE SIZE OF YOUR DOG TAKES UP HALF OF THE LIVING ROOM.
22. YOU CONSTANTLY REUSE PLASTIC SPOONS, KNIVES AND FORKS.
23. ON A HOT NIGHT YOU GET TO SIT OUT FRONT WITH ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS.
24. YOUR TEENAGER’S BEDTIME IS 3:00 A.M..
25. YOU BUY YOUR NEAR-SIGHTED TWINS 1 PAIR OF GLASSES.
26. YOUR MOTHER MAKES YOU EAT AN ONION FOR A COLD SO YOU CAN "SWEAT IT
OUT".
27. YOUR GRANDMOTHER MAKES YOU SWALLOW A TEASPOON OF VICK’S VAPORUB FOR A
COUGH.
28. YOU CLAIM THE CHILDREN YOU BABYSIT TO GET EXTRA FOODSTAMPS.
29. YOU HAVE A "PACKETT" COLLECTION (I.E., CATSUP, MUSTARD, SOY SAUCE)
30. IT TOOK ALL 33 PACKETTS OF THE MCNUGGUT BARBECUE SAUCE YOU’VE BEEN
SAVING TO FINISH THOSE RIBS.
31. GROWING UP YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH THELMA FROM "GOOD TIMES".
32. GROWING UP YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH J.J. FROM "GOOD TIMES" (SCARY).
33. YOU AND YOUR FIANCE’ FIRST MET ON THE JOB AT BURGER KING.
34. YOU OWN EVERY SPIKE LEE VIDEO.
35. YOU THINK WHITNEY HOUSTON IS A GREAT ACTRESS.
36. YOU DON’T CARE WHERE YOU PISS AFTER DRINKING A FORTY OUNCE.
37. YOU THINK SPANISH PEOPLE WILL BRING THE QUALITY OF YOUR GHETTO DOWN.
38. YOU BLAME JEWS FOR YOU BEING IN THE GHETTO.
39. YOU ROBBED THE ICE CREAM TRUCK...FOR ICE CREAM.
40 YOU WISH MCDONALD’S WOULD BRING BACK THE "MCRIB" SANDWICH
41. YOU HAVE AT LEAST 5 DIFFERENT WAYS TO PREPARE "SPAM".
42. THE MAJORITY OF THE WOMAN AT YOUR DINNER PARTY HAS TO TAKE THEIR
HUSBANDS, WHO DIDN’T WANT TO ATTEND, A "PLATE".
43. YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO "MOVIN’ ON UP" FROM "THE JEFFERSONS".
44. YOU HAVE A LARGE FLOOR MODEL TV THAT DOESN’T WORK WITH A 13" INCH MODEL
ON TOP THAT DOES WORK IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.
45. YOU USE A BRICK TO HOLD UP YOUR COUCH.
46. YOUR GRANDPARENTS STILL HAVE A 1966 CALENDAR ON THEIR WALL.
47. YOU WERE PISSED WHEN AUNT JEMIMAH’S BANDANA WAS TAKEN AWAY.
48. YOU STILL GET PISSED WHEN "ROOTS" IS SHOWN ON T.V..
49. YOU YELL AT THE MOVIE SCREEN.
50. YOU’VE NEVER SEEN PBS.
51. YOU WEAR CLOTHES TO ACCENTUATE YOUR UNDERWEAR.(E.G., "DAT BOY’S PANT’S
SO BIG, HIS WHOLE ASS IS HANGIN’ OUT").
52. YOU HAVE AT LEAST 4 KOREAN SHOPS ON YOUR BLOCK.
53. YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR HOME 5 MINUTES EARLY IN ORDER TO LOCK ALL
YOUR LOCKS.
54. YOUR HAIRDOO MAKES YOU APPEAR AN EXTRA FOOT TALLER.
55. TRASH PICK-UP IS EVERY 2ND FRIDAY OF THE MONTH.
56. YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND WRITE 56 "YOU KNOW YOU'RE GHETTO IF...."

No place like home...

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer
quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In
the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young
Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away--ka-boom! He threw
another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110
yards away--ka-blooey!
A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the
barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He
has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him
the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the
NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super
Bowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl
XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do
is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the
Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted
us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I
just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle
of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very
moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile
of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight . . . "
The old lady pauses, in tears. " . . . I'll never forgive you
for moving us to Oakland!"
--

Twas the night before Christmas - Version 847?

Twas the night before Christmas, and up in our bunk,
The cats were both sleeping. My lover was drunk.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook.
It was time for some fucking, by hook or by crook.
With him in his jockstrap and I in the nude,
We turned all the lights off and reached for the lube.
When out in the back yard there rose such a noise,
That we ran to the window like two little boys.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer!
The fat little driver had beers in each hand!
As he flew past the window, he barely could stand!
He jerked on the reins and cursed foul North Pole curses
And threatened the reindeer to make them pull hearses.
"Stop Dickbreath! Halt Dumbshit! Whoa, Buttwipe! Hey, Duke!
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause you're making me puke!"
"Whoa, Shithead! Slow, Asshole! Oy, Stupid! Hey, Putz!
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts."
They cleared the old lamppost, knocked over the trash,
And Santa leaned out and threw up in the grass.
And then from the rooftop we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I threw on my bathrobe to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney came Santa at last.
His suit smelled of vomit and two-dollar whiskey.
His hair had gone limp, but his eyes still looked frisky.
"Is this the gay bath house?" he asked with a wink.
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
He pissed on the turkey I'd left to defrost.
Then farted as loudly as a diesel exhaust.
But my lover just smiled as he pointed with glee,
Ol' Santa's dick hung nearly down to his knee!
But, when fatso finally reached into his sack,
He found no toys in there! Here's what he'd packed:
Some handcuffs and tit clamps and black leather paddles,
A Jeff Stryker dildo and penis-shaped candles,
A six pack of KY, a harness of leather,
Some cock rings, a butt plug, a bong, and a feather,
A box filled with condoms of multiple sizes,
And many more odd and surprising surprises.
He filled every stocking and and trimmed every tree
With latex and rubber and then took his leave.
With a bottle of poppers held under his nose,
Up through the chimney like swamp gas he rose.
At last he was seated up high in his sled
With nightmares of Mrs. Claus giving him head.
He swore at the reindeer, and cursed at the light
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!"

----

The 1997 Darwin Award competition

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was great
improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in
1997-- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997
runners-up and winners:
5th runner-up: A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower
at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
removed.
4th Runner-up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St.
Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it into his mouth. and walked out without paying. Police
found him unconscious in front of the store-- paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up: To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on
him.
2nd Runner-up: Man loses face at party. A man at a West Virginia party
(probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace
the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit
down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips. teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It
wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off". "He put
it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and
tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that". Payne said.
1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man
shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last
weekend during an initiation into a mans rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants
Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to
the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have
died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain
with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to
miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull
the
arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said
Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the
Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is
under investigation.
Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when he
attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot
himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the Gorge, Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the
nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck
over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was
100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his
friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,
along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall,
he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr.
Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE
body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated
his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife
penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend
in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to
safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up
truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend
and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver
thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with
scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
Remember, safety first... Remember THE safety question:
"WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IF I DO THIS?"

¨ ---
(I hope I haven't already sent you these!)
Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past
year:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerine pills and a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from
him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerine
explode.
A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the
lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an
X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during
a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old
lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they
be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to
him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while
then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and
her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to
vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
¨ ---
(I hope I haven't already sent you these!)
Here are some highlights of ER admissions to Chicago General over the past
year:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerine pills and a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from
him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerine
explode.
A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately 500 lbs was
dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the
lady, an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an
X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left
breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And last, but not least-- during
a pelvic exam a TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her
crotch. She became known as "The Human Couch".
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the
hospital. After 30 minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old
lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old
daughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they
be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next to
him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he had
injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.
Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while
then said questioningly "You mean like having sex with our dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she and
her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able to
retrieve it with her fingers. She went to the bathroom and "gagged myself to
vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
¨ ---

The Amazing Benny
A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night
and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment.
The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing
Benny tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70 year old man hobbled onto the
stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and
placed 3 walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK,
WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights
went up and the old man hobbled back off stage dragging his card table.
On their 20 year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and
to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20
years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw
this unbelievable act in this bar.
The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here
tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90 year old man hobbled onto the
stage sloooowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table
and placed 3 coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK,
WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the
lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging
his card table.
The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago
when we were here... with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use
walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used
to be..."
--

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went
straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much
he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once
they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he
fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months
ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob
thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug,
kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob
was confused, asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of
my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then,
the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home
drunk!"
It's getting near that time. I'll be on-line around 6 - 12 your time.

Ups jeg var en andelse hurtig, jeg glemte at paste vittighederne :-)
Murphy's laws on sex
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it
is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take
it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will
follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray
for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground
that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a
lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things
worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had
gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog
stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved
at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in
the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love
her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when
they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then
grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool
table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it
whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the customer. He eats
everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball
and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the
bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it
out and ate it!", says the barman.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball,
he measures everything first!"
-----

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six
double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a
day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer
came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
--
Some good advice
One day a young bird delayed flying South for the Winter. When he did
finally decide to join his friends and family he flew into a horrible
ice storm. He tried to carry on but his wings began to freeze.
Finally, frozen and fatigued he plummeted to earth.
He found that instead of hitting the frozen field, he landed in a
newly expunged pile of cow dung. It was warm and thawed the poor
little sparrow. He was so happy that he didn't die that he began to
chirp out a happy little song.
A wolf, passing by, heard the happy chirping of the little bird and
went to investigate. Upon noticing that the little guy was covered in
cow dung, he approached him and said, "Here, let me help you out of
that!" He removed the bird from the dung, cleaned him off and
promptly ate him.
The moral? Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. Not everyone
who gets you out of shit is your friend. And, when you are warm and
comfortable, it pays to keep your mouth shut!
-----

(Embedded image moved to file: PIC10995.PCX)
Jeg har fundet den optimale Julegave til dig, en samling af
bemærkninger fra din gud -- Norm (fra Cheers)
The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"
>_________________________________________________
>
>"What's shaking Norm?"
>"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
>
>"What's new Normie?"
>"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding
>beer."
>
>"What'd you like Normie?"
>"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
>
>"What'll you have Normie?"
>"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes
>out
>of that tap."
>"Looks like beer, Norm."
>"Call me Mister Lucky."
>
>"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
>"Like a baby treats a diaper."
>
>"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
>"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending."
>
>"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
>"I know. If she calls, I'm not here."
>
>"Beer, Norm?"
>"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
>
>"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
>"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
>
>"Whatcha up to Norm?"
>"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
>
>"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
>"Poor."
>"I'm sorry to hear that."
>"No, I mean pour."
>
>"How's life treating you Norm?"
>"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
>
>"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."
>
>"What's going down, Normie?"
>"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
>
>"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
>"Alright, but stop at one....make that one-thirty."
>
>"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
>"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
>
>"What's the story Norm?"
>"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
>
>"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
>"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody."
>
>"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
>"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
>"For a beer?"
>"No, for stupid questions."

Men & Women
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
============================================
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics,
these facts have emerged.
Relationships:
--------------
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He
refers to it as "that time when me and Susie were doing it on a semi-
regular basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are Idiots."
Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup,
at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted
to let
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
you,
and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's
always a
chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken
phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these
classes rarely prove effective.
Sex:
----
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
Maturity:
---------
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function
as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
Handwriting:
------------
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-
scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's"
with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's"
and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
----------
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
----------
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and
buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
'fridge
are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys
everything that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the
checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-
items-or-less lane.
Going out:
----------
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When
a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go
out,
just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her
makeup....
Cats:
-----
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking,
men kick cats.
Offspring:
----------
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of some
short people living in the house.
Low Blows:
----------
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One
of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must
hurt."
The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing Up:
------------
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
for:
(1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals.
David Letterman:
----------------
Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap in his front
teeth
and always has a bad haircut.
Laundry:
--------
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip" about
eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful
women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
---------
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony."
Men talk
about "the bachelor party."
Socks:
------
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women
wear
strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
clouds
on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
----------
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike,
Dave,
Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to
each
other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you on fire and
take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push
On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog.
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.
Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition
Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment.
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn - experienced people.
Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just
left.
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be.
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store: Out for a quick byte
Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed
up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

A confused 9-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or
female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is
both male and female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At
this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

A Greyhound bus full of senior gamblers is wheeling down the freeway,
returning celebrants from two days in Las Vegas. A gal passenger comes
forward and complains loudly to the driver that some male creep is
crawling along the floor and has had the temerity to fondle her. The
driver tells her he'll stop as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
As the driver's searching for a good spot to pull over, another female
passenger comes forward, complaining of being fondled, too. Well, to the
driver's mind, this constitutes an emergency, so he immediately pulls
over onto the shoulder and brings the bus to a screeching halt.
He proceeds to go back to find the culprit and spies this little
baldheaded guy crawling on all fours along the floor of the bus. He
confronts the guy and asks him what he's doing on the floor.
"Well," replies the little glass-domed fellow, "I lost my toupee a few
miles back and I thought I'd found it twice until I realized mine's
parted on the side."
---

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have these two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say
one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have
some fun?'."
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray
and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray
and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with
the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're
prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put
your Bible away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
--.----

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter
at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Ladies, you all led such
wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and
be anyone you want".
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't
ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her
and says, "No, Sister, this says, 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7
days'!"

------
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands
up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard,
r-r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman,
obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya
bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and
two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run
ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he
sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, "He doesn't have to
run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams,
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
-----
So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in
someone's front lawn. "Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs
doing? Are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie
style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool.
Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a
margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the
next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger
asks, "Well. How did it go?"
To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas
just to get her in the front lawn."
-----
Read this sentence carefully:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not
go back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence.
One of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human brain tends
to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".
How'd you do?

-----
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door
bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order
over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses
are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up
and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her
arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and
the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the
table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days,
51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he
walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's
puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit,
the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and
celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set
the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put
it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"

-----
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a
baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his
commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived
just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem,
the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose.
When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down,
nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were
well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go
get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going
on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What
happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came
over and yelled, "Peanuts!"
-----

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go
and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken
runs to find the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So the
chicken drives the farmer's BMW 328 back to the mud hole and ties
some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the
rope to the horse and drives forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
again and this time the chicken fell into a mud hole. The
chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the
farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So
the horse stretched over the width of the mud hole and said "Grab
my 'thingy' and pull yourself up". The chicken did and pulled
himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

----
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the
huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer,
desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a
secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring fed pool,
bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for
hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several
months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on
the cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that
rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the
reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the
south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge able ductile iron. Anyhow,
that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have
you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to
her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of
hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding
stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an
exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit
down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll
throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude
still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and
they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories,
the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until
I ended up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went
upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone and shell
device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to
fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom
-- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully
carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip
into something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a
short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a
revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long
time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been
lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something
that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have
right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness.
"There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island...
all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly:
"You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail
here?"

------
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided that
they wanted to have sex.
Well, the first thing Minnie asks is "Do you have a condom" and Donald
says "No"
Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom then they can't have
sex but suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that
maybe they sell them at the front desk.
Donald proceeds downstairs and, at front desk, asks the hotel clerk if
they sell condoms. The clerk says "Yes we do", pulls one out from
under the desk and gives it to Donald.
The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" and
Donald says, "NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

-----
1. ANYONE can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the
right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the
right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy.
(ARISTOTLE - The Nicomachean Ethics)
2. Shoot for the moon...........even if you miss you'll be among the
stars.
3. A short course in Human Relations:
The six most important words : "I admit I made a mistake."
The five most important words : "You did a good job."
The four most inportant words : "What is your opinion."
The three most inportant words : "If you please."
The two most important words : "Thank you."
The one most important word : "WE"
The least important word : "I"
4. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want
is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks
down.
(OPRAH WINFREY - Talk show host)
5. Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
(FRANK OUTLAW)
6. If you have a penny and I have a penny and we exchange pennies,
you still have one cent and I still have one cent.
But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange ideas,
you now have two ideas and I now have two ideas.
7. If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win but think you can't,
It's almost certain that you won't.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger woman or man,
But sooner or later, those who win
Are those who think they can.
8. IN HIS Creed for Optimists, Christian D. Larsen tells you how you
can be somebody.
Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
Make all your friends feel there is something special in them.
Look at the sunny side of everything.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only
the best.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about
your own.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater
achievements of the future.
Give everyone a smile.
Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left
to criticize others.
Be too big for worry and too noble for anger.
9. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
(MAY V. SMITH)
10.During the devastating earthquakes in Kobe, Japan, an American
newscaster did a short piece on a Japanese woman who set up a
makeshift store out of boxes selling flashlights and batteries.
When the commentor asked why she wasn't selling these essential
items for more than the regular price, the woman answered, "Why
would I want to profit from someone else's suffering?"

¨ ---
I'm trying to get you re-instated into The Joke List. (If you had been able
to keep your original address, there'd be no problem.)
I have a spelling checker I disk covered four my PC. It plane lee marks four
my revue Miss steaks aye can knot see. Eye ran this poem threw it. Your sure
real glad two no. Its very polished in its weigh, My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl
stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays comes posed up on my
screen Eye trussed too bee a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To
cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore wee rote with checkers Hour spelling was
inn deck line, Butt now when wee dew have a laps, Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, There are
know faults in awl this peace, Of nun eye am a wear. To rite with care is
quite a feet Of witch won should be proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee
can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. That's why eye brake in two averse Cuz Eye
dew want too please. Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye This soft wear four
pea seas
One more thing. This is very important, please answer. Are you using MS
Internet Explorer or Netscape Communicator?
I'l' say why I want to know when I get your answer.
C
PS. Nice hairy butt. A little KY on that thing and I could slide right in!!
(Big happy 'feels really good' grin!!)
¨ -----
A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a
cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the
bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in
silence drinking.
A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they
would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured
another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his
head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket
and took out money and paid the bartender.
After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like
another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was
poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued
drinking.
This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat
continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was
required. Finally, with the man in tears, cryng harder each time it was
the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any
longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all
night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the cat's
turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.
"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach,
as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I
thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a
tight pussy."
-----
Women's Advice to Men
· The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually change our underwear.
· The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take
a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
· If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
· If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
· Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie.
· Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
· Please don't drive when you're not driving.
· Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
· Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths
you take.
· If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
· The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
· If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"?
· Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
· When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
· Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll
never see the 'island' coming.
· Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
· Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that "y"
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
· Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
· Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

Thanksh........for the memories
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The
barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves
up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One,
Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman,
"Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them
on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches
loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one
after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
"Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of
him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the
bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass.
The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then
he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less
I drink, the drunker I get..."
I like the orange flashing "hello my friend"? If you made it, I like it even
better
C
¨ -----

Your E address has changed around so much that I forgot to put you
(perminately) back on the list. You're there now. Enjoy!
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the
net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3., and even your night dreams are in
HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW
site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems
before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you
don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new
e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of how she
looks.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them
are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have
neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail
on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to
do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or
higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you
never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the "back" button.
PS. Don't worry about yesterday, hon. It was Saturday, a day of to relax (or
to do all that crap on her list of chores)
-- -----
And then some...
The World's Shortest Books
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette and Fine Dining
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Honorary mentions:
* Good American beers: An overview
* The Ultimate List of Good English Lovers
* The German book of humor
Here are some one-liners to chew on. (The subject was intended.)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste
funny to you?"
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.
When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's. (A furniture
store here, Ethan(?) Allen's)
What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day? A box of farmer's
fannies.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
What is a cannibal's favorite game? Swallow the leader.
Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with
everybody on it.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering
up his teacher?
Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy.
Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.
One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my
mother-in -law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes.
The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The
2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."
One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There,
people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, "How
come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it
is to clean one of those?"
A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and
use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over
and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck
for drinks."
C
¨ ---
It seems this Latino (Mexican, Spaniard, whatever) goes to an employment
agency for work. As part of a battery of questions, he is asked to use the
words green, pink and yellow in a sentence.
He think for a moment and declares, "Oh jes, I know. Las' night I wos een my
apartment and da phone, it goes "green, green, green", so I pink it up and
say "yellow".
2100/3:00
C
PS. Thanks for the offer of the commercial but it would take days to
download. How about sending a tape. I would get it sooner.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Before you
leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her
some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes
were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear
because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new
birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't uit you. Her
slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit
into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
"I'm so very grateful for all that you have done for me. Can I ask, Is
there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
"So, here we are!"
------
Blind Since Birth
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and,
in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are,
so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and
you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement, "Maybe I
could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and
slimy, and you have a forked tongue. I'd say you must be an attorney!"
C

I know you're probibly much better than I am but since I've never had the
priviledge of seeing any of it...
--

A man walks into a building and gets into the lift. He presses the
button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman
he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the
wall.
The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very
nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the
floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this
stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says "Make a woman out
of me".
He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies -
"Iron that"
______________________________________________________________
PLEASE FEEL NO OBLIGATION TO SEND THIS ON...IT'S A JOKE
BUT!!!
YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter,
provided you do send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must
make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to GET LAID within 96 hours.
Do note the following:
* After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control
Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest
series of orgasms of his life.
* John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he
broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched
his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his
neighbors.
* In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an
unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter.
However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms
for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?).
* Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his
secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he
encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every
paid her at work.
* General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he
thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a
beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
* Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the
letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His
wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later,
after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later
he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was
wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
* Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw
the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
* In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was
faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph
applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and
send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with
problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in
her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did
not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found
a man with a 10-inch penis.
* Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent
University, Peterborough, Ont., that sent this letter to himself over
five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a
strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his
pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out.
As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of
spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep
into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange
woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of
exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving
this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.
Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical
devices.
C
-----
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen up__
C. Hung up__
D. Won't work right __
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to
fix it for you?
Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes__
12. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were using it?
______________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'?
No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem?
Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work?
Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on?
Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top?
Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine making strange noises or smoking?
Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me?
Yes__
C
-----
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank
with a big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he
looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed
which instantly makes his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is
a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.
The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster
says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able
to make it to the other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and
jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just
makes it to the the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet
and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in
the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:
For every satisfied cock, there's a wet pussy!
------
Did you hear about the dyslexic Highway Patrolman that spent all night
New Year's Eve handing out I.U.D.s?
------
On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,
12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.
------------

Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage
(As presented on the 12/12/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID
LETTERMAN)
10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange
students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday
Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New
Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because
he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the
elves their morning coffee
2. Stocking aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the
fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants
-----
The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
18 Shaves head and beard, insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
17 Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the
Daisy Air Rifle.
16 Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15 Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the
toddlers.
14 After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice
big bag of clams?"
13 The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack
of medication.
12 Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad
and now you're going down, punk!"
11 Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10 Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9 Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8 "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7 Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6 Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have
never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5 That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4 Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, pee wee!"
3 When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2 Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a
homemade venison pie.
and the Number 1 Sign the Santa at the Mall is Nuts...
1 While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his
tracheotomy hole is scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
-----
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

Automatically thought of you...
A Skier's Dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for
assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate
reply: "What Zermatter?"
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture,
Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious
injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and
on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO
bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling
technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the purchase of costly
lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't skiing. See Cross-Country
Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski
slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through
snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a
deep, wind-sculped drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight
of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis
on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at
the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get
to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they
should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness
within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The
other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force,
which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces
dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these
other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by
side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have
larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if
it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our
universe. * When an irrestible force meets an immovable object, an unethical
lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and
a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the
strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" - which
tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward,
palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and
darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be
mumbling, "Why?"
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
¨ ------
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It
is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and
said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever
you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and
the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening.
All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment
went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for
he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raised his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly
collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
balls right in front of my face. "I thought I had nothing to lose, so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those
babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own nuts!!"

-------

WELCOME ABOARD
The Fabulair experience begins when you call our reservations number,
900-FLY-FABU. We know you can make reservations on other airlines for free.
But our 900 number is only 28c/minute (50% of all proceeds go to the Human
Rights Campaign), and our reservationists are very good on the phone.
Your tickets will arrive in a sleek Diesel leather ticket folio. Your seat
assignment (only aisle or window, no middle) is pre-reserved and your
in-flight menu is included because we know how long it takes some of you to
make up your minds, especially with a menu as fabulous as ours.
When you arrive at the airport, you'll recognize our terminal immediately.
Richard Sabala did the lights. Susan Morabito did the music. Thierry Mugler
did the departure lounge. Outside, we have a specially commissioned
sculpture of Amelia Earhart and Ellen DeGeneres as "traveling companions."
Our sky caps, muscles bulging under their Raymond Dragon uniforms, will
check your luggage. We allow five pieces, not two, and no extra charge for
golf clubs, ladies.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE ARRIVED
Stroll through our luxurious terminal to your gate. We only use walk-through
metal detectors on request; a physical body search is preferred by most of
our passengers. (Body cavity searches are, unfortunately, limited to
international flights.) Follow the red velvet roping up to the plane door.
The gate agent will take your ticket and give you your wristband boarding
pass. Keep it on - it's color-coded to indicate whether you're aggressively
single, possibly available, or married.
On board we have no flight attendants. Just stewardesses. Even the guys.
They're young, tall, thin, gorgeous, dressed by Chanel and trained by
RuPaul - they're gonna work! Butch has no place in our aisles. If butch is
what you're after, lust after our baggage handlers. Hired from Colt and
Falcon Studios, they just can't seem to keep their shirts on. Our cockpit
crew? All gay men and lesbians discharged from the military.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE CAN DO...
Fabulair is bringing style back to air travel. Settle into your seat. What
do you notice? It's comfortable. And it matches your outfit. Overhead,
you'll find reading lights plus tanning lights. The black leather seats
smell as good as they feel. You can't wait to fasten your seat belt low and
tight against your waist. Aaah.
You're ready for takeoff.
You'll never see "Honey, I Blew Up the Kids" on Fabulair. We only show
movies starring Bette Davis, Joan Crawford, Madonna or Jody Foster. Or
movies about women in love... with each other. Care for a magazine? Vanity
Fair... Out.... Curve... Genre?... Sorry, we gave out our last copy of HX,
but our chief purser would be happy to show you around New York personally.
The Airphone at every seat has speed dial for Bill Clinton, Barney Frank,
Elizabeth Birch, Tzabaco, International Male, and J. Crew, for the non-stop
activist and shopaholic. Perhaps you'd like to listen to our specially
selected audio entertainment. Channel 1: KD lang. Channel 2: Pet Shop Boys.
Channel 3: The Indigo Girls. Channel 4: Junior's "Dancing on Air" party mix
(a Fabulair exclusive). Channel 5: Melissa Etheridge. Channel 6: Nothing but
show tunes.
Before you know it, your flight will be over. But don't be sad. You've
earned lots of frequent flyer miles, good towards your next trip on
Fabulair. We regret that they are blacked out for the Black Party, White
Party, Gay Pride, Hotlanta and Halloween, but use them over any of the other
holidays. Bonus miles? Sure. Stay at a gay B&B. Get a Rainbow Card. Use
Community Spirit Long Distance. Take an Olivia Cruise. Subscribe to Out &
About. Triple Miles? Just date one of our employees.
TOO FABULOUS
Our in-flight service is not coach, business or first. It's so fabulous, we
named it Fabulous Class. It may seem like first class on other airlines, but
we never use those words, because nothing we do is second class. We
recognize however, that many of our passengers are too special and
important, even for Fabulous Class.
For those who require the utmost in privacy and luxury we have an exclusive
cabin that we call Too Fabulous Class. Too Fabulous passengers don't need
tickets. We know who you are. Our already generous luggage limit is waived
for you. At boarding time, come right to the front of the red roping. Even
though we have short lines, we kept the roping because we know you like it.
On board, you'll notice the little touches that make a difference. A full
harness replaces the standard seat belt. A stewardess for every passenger.
Marble bathrooms big enough for two. Live entertainment and a personal video
screen with personal video choices. We couldn't improve our service, so we
just added more. Massage. Manicure. Hair styling. Waxing and electrolysis
(LA flights only). And group psychotherapy in our upstairs lounge.
We think you'll agree, It's a fabulous world on Fabulair, the world's first
all gay airline.
I've made my reservations!!

Three cowboys had been riding the range since early in the
morning. One of them was a member of the Navajo Nation. being busy with
herding stray cattle all day, there had been no time for the three of
them to eat. Toward the end of the day, two of the cowboys started
talking about how hungry they were and about the huge meals they were
going to eat when they reached town. When one of the cowboys asked the
Navajo if he was also hungry, he just shrugged his shoulders and said,
"No."
Later that evening, after they had arrived in town, all three
ordered large steak dinners. As the Navajo proceeded to eat everything
in sight with great gusto, one of his friends reminded him that less
than an hour earlier he had told them that he was not hungry. "Not wise
to be hungry then," he replied. "No food."

This little boy goes to his dad...asks dad "What is politics?"....Dad
says, "well Son, let me try to explain it this way". "I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,
she's
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People, the
nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother,
we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that
makes
sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets
up
to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his
diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother
sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good Son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored and the Future ...is in deep shit".

The Difference
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell us how wonderful
we are. Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say;
Everything they do. A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
The Style
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night. When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. A man is
a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman
will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
Love
Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle
instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance. The only way to
understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to
understand her. To women, love is an occupation. To men, a preoccupation. To
be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To
be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry
because they are tired; woman because they are curious. Both are
disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman
will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of
the woman who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Husbands
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her
think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two
people remembering the same thing.
Wives
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. Husbands are
like cars: all are good the first year.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are
represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass
cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
-

For 1 or 2 of these, to 1 or 2 of you, I apologize.
Abusive
What's the matter, stupid, don't you know the answer?
Amnesia
I forget.
Apathy
I don't care.
Bigotry
I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Blasphemous
God Dammit, I told you not to ask!
Compulsive
I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!
Conditional
Well, it depends.
Damnation
You and your questions can go to hell!
Dictator
I'll tell you when you can ask questions!
Dyslexic
Gniees sdrawkcab.
Egotistical
I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive
Have you done your homework today?
Exhausted
I'm too tired to answer you right now.
Flatulent
That question really stinks!
Greedy
What's in it for me if I tell you?
Hemorrhoids
You know, this is a real pain in the butt!
Hostility
If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you!
Ignorance
I don't know.
Indifference
It doesn't matter.
Influenza
You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insensitive
I don't care if you don't know the answer.
Insomnia
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Intoxicated
** BURP **
Irreverent
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Masturbation
I can single-handedly answer that question.
Narcissism
Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Nausea
That question is going to make me vomit.
Nonchalant
It's not important.
Obstinate
I'm not going to tell you.
Over-Protective
I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Over-Sensitive
How could you ask me a question like that?
Paranoid
You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Pessimistic
I'm sure I won't give the right answer.
Procrastination
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive
I already told you the answer once before.
Secretive
I can't tell you right now.
Self-Centered
Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Senile
When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.
Subjective
It's all in how you look at the question.
Suspicious
Why are you asking me all these questions?
Temperamental
What the heck do you want to know that for???
Withdrawn
""

---------------
Some old, some new:
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government worker
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft Rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New classic
"Now then ..."
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
One man crew
...and an all-time favorite:
Microsoft Works

-------------------

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had
been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking
for the first time in his life.
'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came
to a hedge and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of
other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he
called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are
you wild rabbits?
'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It
tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got
carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the
most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again,
'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We
eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a
while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he
asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke
softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're
girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to
the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We
thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the lab. I'm
dying for a cigarette.'

-----

Mischievous Boys
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong
in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys,
the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with
the boys. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy
down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five
minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the
room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where
is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time,
in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put
his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The
boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room
and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He
finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

-----
The Angry Husband
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions,
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while
you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into
this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it
occur and what did his facial expression convey to you?"
"He was looking through the window at us and...boy!,.. he looked
pissed off."
-----
Horses in race are:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey
Shorts and
Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being
pressured. Passionate
Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very
dangerous spot.
At the Halfway Mark:
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom
is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are
working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big
Dick.
At The Stretch:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final
drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady
takes everything
Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick
comes through
with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows.
Thighs weakens
and Heavy Bosom pulls up, ..........Clean Sheets never had a
chance.

-------------
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was
an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty
Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never
knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who
buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model
for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children
and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

-------
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Quasimodo and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo."
"I am the ugliest person in the world," announced Quasimodo.
"No, you aren't," replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they
decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and
decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be
ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he
announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in
first and not a minute later came out beaming.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world. Merlin says so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.
"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
In goes Quasimodo and he stays a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half.
Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering,... "Who the hell is Janet
Reno?"

-----
In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
4004 B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And
when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and
pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks
and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placenta's made he; and
those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work
Day.
And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he
had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided
from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made
in the earth; but not too deep. And God buried all the Things which he
had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
overtime were Tuesday.
And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear;
and that was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the
water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude
oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and
prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous
matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from
the dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long
day; which he called Wednesday.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving
creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without
wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ;
and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever
I like, whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all
creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without
wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.
And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the
earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species
compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the
species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping
things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took the bones from the
dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about
the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not
madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about
likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a
doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And
in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in
another good day's work.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness,
which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make
monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and
ill-formed and hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the
monkeys and the fowl of the air and every species, endangered or
otherwise. So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and
pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.
And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest
it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of
the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for
meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth
that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw;
thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very
good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the
weekend.
-----

How to be annoying (again)
1. Run through the halls in your office building or school with your
arms outstretched
and making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians
and lose a wing.
Spiral to a crash and repeat.
2. Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal'.
3. Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and
claim that you
are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug".
4. Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put
cellophane tape
over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and
reuse them.
5. When someone extends their hand for you to shake hands with them, rub
your runny
nose, scratch yourself in some private area, or otherwise soil
your palm. Most
importantly, do this after they've already extended their hand,
so that they can't
retract it without seeming insulting.
6. Address people as 'buddy' -- particularly those who are not your
buddies.
7. Tape blank pieces of typing paper to your office or dorm door and
leave them up for
ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell
them to please not
deface your property.
8. Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your
hand up to
prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what
you're going to
ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."
9. Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about
everybody else's
fashion sense.
10. Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to
watch where
they're going.
11. Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to
prevent
contamination."
12. Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other
people's vacation
photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send
you a print
when they get them developed.
13. Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the
straightjacket
off you.
14. Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!"
and laugh
evilly.
15. Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely."
16. Remove single socks from laundry machines at public Laundromat's.
Replace them
bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding.
17. Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass.
18. Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering
things about their
mothers.
19. Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell
"Stop, drop, and
roll!"
20. Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane,
and then get up
fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight
complaining that you should
have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff".
21. Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to
you.
22. When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in
the middle of
the table, and blame it on your date.
23. On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there
yet?"
24. Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space."
25. Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them
advice loudly.
"Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a
pair of kings!"
----
Late Breaking News
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a
21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth
to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and
that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of
this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with
the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions
of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegaly funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through
three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has
issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these
allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was
originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In
recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims
that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a
parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest
group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

------
Two for V Day
He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So
he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and
it had arrived in time for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at
the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her
favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the
florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery
ferns left for decoration. In a moment of inspiration, he had the
answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor
instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his
expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his
wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that
she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner
for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the
card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her
eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these,
who needs anemones."
Earlier today, my girlfriend was brushing on some stuff onto her
eyelashes that I never saw her wear before. I asked her if she ever used
it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her
why, and she said... "It's my St. Valentine's day mascara."

--

Thoughts on Children:
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in
your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just
sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when
they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given
birth.
Thoughts in general:
If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not
succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a
positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail."
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you
choose your own form of misery.
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
- M. C. Escher
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence. I never knew what
true happiness was till I got married. And then it
was too late.I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Van Roy's Law
There are two types of people in this world, good and
bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to
enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
"Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the
extra rib."

.--------
Don't Ever...
...try to understand everything- Some things will just never make
sense.
...be reluctant to show your feelings--- When you're happy, Give
into it!! When your not, Live with it.
...be afraid to try to make things better- You'll be surprised at the
results.
...take the weight of the world on your shoulders.
...feel threatened by the future- Take one day at a time.
...feel guilty about the past- what is done is done. learn from any
mistakes you might have made.
...feel you are alone-- There is always someone there for you to
reach out to.
...forget that you can achieve so many of the things you can
imagine-- IMAGINE that!! It's not as hard as it seems.
...stop LOVING,
...stop dreaming your dreams............................
----

A few of Bill Clinton's favorite things...
This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the
movie "The Sound of Music"
The Bill Clinton version:
My Favorite Things
Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things
Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things
Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite thingsJOKE # 1
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to
type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the
computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program,
that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be
bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

JOKE # 2
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic
church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few
minutes. Finally the priest agrees to let them leave the convent for
the weekend. "However," said the priest, "as soon as you get back
Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the
weekend." The four nuns agree and run off.
Monday morning comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to
the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do sister?"
She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven
for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go drink the holy
water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle
quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Okay, what happened?" She says,
"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,
and I hit the dog and killed it." The priest looks up at heaven for half
a minute then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite
audibly.
The third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have
sinned." The priest says, "Ok. Out with it. What did you do?" She says,
"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up
at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you.
Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her
cheeks. The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do this weekend that was
so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
--------

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things
Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things
When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
copyright 1998 Wayne Aaronson
--....----

Superman was bored fighting crime everyday. So, one Friday night he
decided to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman's
house. "Hey Bats", he says "Wanna' go out tonight?" "No, I can't,"
replies Batman,"The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix
it,or else I won't be able to fight crime." "You loser," says Superman,
and he flies away.
He decides to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how
about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he says. "I'd love to,
but I can't," replies Spiderman. "My webshooter is broken and I gotta
fix it to fight crime." Superman, all disgusted, says sarcasticly, "You
loser. Just stay home then on a FRIDAY night and fix your damn
webshooter." So he flies away.
While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked
and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, "Hey, I am
Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and
fly back out and she won't even know what happened." So Superman flies
down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of
light.
Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible man, who was on top of her, says, "I don't know,
but it hurt like hell."
--

Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical
These 2 nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known
as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical
(S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
convent.
S.L. : Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past
half hour ?
S.M. : Yes, I wonder what he wants.
S.L. : It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.
S.M. : Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking
faster.
S.M. : It is not working.
S.L. : Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing
to do. He also started to walk faster.
S.M. : So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less
than 1 minute.
S.L. : The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and
I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not
arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
S.M. : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?
S.L. : The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of
us, so he decided to go after me.
S.M. : So, what happened. Please tell us.
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I
could.
S.M. : So what happened ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as
fast as he could.
S.M. : And what else ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
S.M. : Oh, no. What did you do then ?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.
S.M. : Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
S.L. : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
S.M. : Oh, no ! What happened then ?
S.L. : Isn't it logical Sister ? A nun with her dress up runs faster
than a man with his pants down.
----

Operation??
=========
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to
the corridor.
Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to
go
in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and
starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another
man
in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same
examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows
impatient and says:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you
going
to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."

------

Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!
This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in
New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the
bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here
before," the first guy says.
"Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?", the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you
jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and
you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the
window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs
over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30 ...40...50 feet,
comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back
through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the
window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop,
and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!", he says.
"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and
proceeds to fall out the window.He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...
100... 200... 300... 500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!! He ends up as road
pizza on the sidewalk below.
After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy
casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another
drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know,
Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
-----
What a woman says:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: " Female and Male stages of life "
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
-------------------------
AGE DRINK
at 17 Wine Coolers
at 25 White wine
at 35 Red wine
at 48 Dom Perignon
at 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
at 17 Need to wash my hair
at 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
at 35 Need to color my hair
at 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
at 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
at 17 shopping
at 25 shopping
at 35 shopping
at 48 shopping
at 66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
at 17 "Burger King"
at 25 "Free meal"
at 35 "A diamond"
at 48 "A bigger diamond"
at 66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
at 17 tall, dark and handsome
at 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
at 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
at 48 a man with hair
at 66 a man
HOUSE PET
at 17 Muffy the cat
at 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
at 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
at 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
at 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
at 17 17
at 25 25
at 35 35
at 48 48
at 66 66
IDEAL DATE
at 17 He offers to pay
at 25 He pays
at 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
at 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
at 66 He can chew breakfast
----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
-----------------------
AGE DRINK
at 17 beer
at 25 vodka
at 35 scotch
at 48 double scotch
at 66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
at 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
at 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
at 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
at 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
at 66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
at 17 sex
at 25 sex
at 35 sex
at 48 sex
at 66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
at 17 "tongue"
at 25 "breakfast"
at 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
at 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
at 66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
at 17 getting to third
at 25 airplane sex
at 35 menage a trois
at 48 taking the company public
at 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
at 17 roaches
at 25 stoned-out college roommate
at 35 Irish setter
at 48 children from his first marriage
at 66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
at 17 25
at 25 35
at 35 48
at 48 66
at 66 17
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas.
On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the
car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once
Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their
way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm
around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you
would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smiled and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be
President of the United States."
-----
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly
confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to
shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran
as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge
of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing
in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his
arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few
feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and
glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
-----
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
Bad Cop! No donut!
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

-------
The Wire Brush
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks,
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
----
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their
calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are
Russian."
------
Medical Terminology
I know this is old but its not!?!? There are some new ones in here I
don't remember seeing...
Artery - The Study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
Barium - What you do when CPR fails
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bowel - A letter like A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic - A Sheep Dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
D&C - Where Washington is located
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
GI Series - Baseball between teams of soldiers
Grippe - A Suitcase
Hangnail - A coat hook
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Cheaper than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Cousin to Elvis
Post-operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Recovery Room - Where you have your upholstery done
Rectum - Darn near killed him
Rheumatic Fever - Amorous feeling
Secretion - Hiding anything
Seizure - A Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Sick at the airport
Tibia - North African country
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose Veins - Veins which are very close together
------

LATEST TELEPHONE SCAM

NOTE: I know nothing about this. I'm just passing it along. And to
those in foreign countries: This would (most likely??) not apply to
you!

** High Priority **
On Saturday, 24 January 1998, Naval Air Station, Joint Reserve Base,
New Orleans' Quarterdeck received a telephone call from an individual
identifying himself as an AT&T Service Technician that was running a
test on our telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test the
QMOW should touch nine (9), zero (0), pound sign (#) and hang up.
Luckily, the QMOW was suspicious and refused. Upon contacting the
telephone company we were informed that by pushing 90# you end up giving
the individual that called you access to your telephone line and allows
them to place a long distance telephone call, with the charge appearing
on your telephone call. We were further informed that this scam has
been originating from many of the local jails/prisons.
Please "pass the word".
----
This bloke decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them
to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts:
"Themed party - come as a human emotion".
On the night of the party the first guest arrives and he opens the door to
see a bloke covered in green paint with the words N and V painted on his
chest.
He says to this guy "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and
the guy says, "I'm green with envy".
The host replies,"Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round
her most intimate parts.
He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
and she replies,"I'm tickled pink".
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host
opens the door to see two black Jamaican guys, stark-bollock naked, one with
his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and other with is penis stuck in a
pear.
The host is really shocked and says "Christ, guys, what the hell do you
think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out there
in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking
disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father - a
government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell........
Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially
twins."
Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the
right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
allows the subject to really spread out."
Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but
if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim
to please.'"
Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
with that."
Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at
this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
London."
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned
out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with."
Mrs. Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible
conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
good look."
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited
she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't
concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By
that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a
pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this
baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work."
Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much
too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?...
Mrs. Smith?... My word, she's fainted!"

MEGA MORON AWARDS
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole
the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That
is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he
didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun and gives you
money, was a crime committed?]
Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day
wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the
thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a
moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his
life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn
and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at
large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall
engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store
window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes
Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Seattle : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a
motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the
motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 00:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home, the chain
still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the
phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested.

-----
The Fly
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This
emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and
all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show
up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box
and out pops a little fly. "Whoosh" goes his sword and the fly drops
dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor says, "That is very
impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and
demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly.
Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is
really impressive."
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he
should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for
the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the
room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor says
in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai
replies, "Ah, but if you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"

-----
How do you make a queen scream twice?
Screw him good on the hardwood, then wipe your dick on the drapes.

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of
his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?"
the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire
walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly, Clinton grabs
Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The
stunned umpire shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw out the first
PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And, the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air
Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says
to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got
this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, sir."

The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us
too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out
of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
and a glass of milk.
Here, he said to the 'statue' ......eat something. I stood like
an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as
a glass of water!"
-----
21 Ways to Survive Even the Dullest of Sermons
n Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
- See if a yawn really is contagious
- Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise
your hand and tell the priest
- Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
- Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B
and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' unless your
preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
- Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews
ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for
every marble that made it to the front
- Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials,
design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
- Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to
the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
- Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
- Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on
your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
- If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing
bubbles.
- Pretend to be 4 years old
- Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone
- By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your
shirt inside out.
- Try to raise one eyebrow
- Crack your knuckles
- Think about your chin for an entire minute
- Twiddle your thumbs
- Twiddle your neighbours thumbs
- Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice
- Practice smiling insincerely

------

Van
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to
break into show-biz, so the agent says "OK, kid, show me what you can
do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the
agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I
think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By
the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian".
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.
"Hey, I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is
gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."
Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his
name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see
ya again!" says the agent. "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya
changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in
town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've
changed it".
"Great, kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
----

Women's Advice to Men
· The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE
actually change our underwear.
· The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take
a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
· If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
· If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
· Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the
movie.
· Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
· Please don't drive when you're not driving.
· Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
· Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths
you take.
· If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
· The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of
accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
· If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's
easy"?
· Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
· When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
· Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll
never see the 'island' coming.
· Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
· Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that "y"
chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
· Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
· Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

[Michael Østergaard]

>Her er et ton vittigheder
>
>salem

[snip]

Hej Salem

Nu er det ikke for at være knotten, men... Det er LIDT irriterende for os
14.4 modem-ejere, at alle de vitser bliver sendt i en mail, og så er de
ovenikøbet på engelsk. Det er lidt surt...

Mvh
Michael Østergaard

Det var en mand, der skulle til Ægypten. Han fandt hurtigt ud af, at han
blev nødt til at leje en kamel, for at komme ud i ørkenen. Da det hele var
aftalt steg han op på kamelen, og til hans store forundring fandt han en
pose med to mursten i, og spurgte, hvad de skulle bruges til.
-Det er hvis kamelen skulle gå i stå!!! Så skal du bare hamre de to mursten
sammen mellem nosserne på den, så skal den nok få fart på. Manden kom et
godt stykke ud i ørkenen, da det skete. Da han ikke fandt den metode med
murstene så "dyrevenlig", fik han (, efter et godt stykke tid) bakset
kamelen hen til "kameludlejningen" og klagede. Han fik at vide, at han
skulle gå over til kamelværkstedet. Derhenne fandt han en mand nede i en
"grav" (eller hvad det nu hedder), som han sagde, at der var noget galt med
kamelen til.
-Ja, hvis du lige gider rykke kamelen ind over. Så tog han to mursten frem,
og hamrede dem sammen mod kamelens nosser. Der lød et brøl fra kamelen, der
hoppede to meter op i luften, og afsted gik det med kamelen.
-Ja, det er da meget godt, du fik gang i den, men hvordan fa'en vil du have
mig til at nå og indhente den???
-Jooo, hvis du lige gider rykke ind over her.....

[salem]

>
>Hej Salem
>
>Nu er det ikke for at være knotten, men... Det er LIDT irriterende for os
>14.4 modem-ejere, at alle de vitser bliver sendt i en mail, og så er de
>ovenikøbet på engelsk. Det er lidt surt...
>
>Mvh
>Michael Østergaard
>

Hej Michael

ok, så vil jeg aldrig mere sende en eneste vittighed til denne nyhedsgruppe
mere (snøft) :-)

Jeg skal nok prøve at beherske mig i fremtiden ellers skriver jeg i emne:
VITTIGHEDER!!! KUN FOR ISDN BRUGERE!!!!

Din var ellers god!

salem

[Bertel Lund Hansen]

salem skrev:

>VITTIGHEDER!!! KUN FOR ISDN BRUGERE!!!!

Jeg gider heller ikke hente sådan en megapostning, selv om jeg
har ISDN. Det er ret hensynsløst at poste den, og det strider mod
netiketten.

--
Venlig hilsen, Bertel

[BIRGIT TURN JENSEN]

Hvori ligger problemmet?
Mit program henter kun de meddelelser jeg beder den om; man kan da bare lade
være med at hente de, der fylder for meget!

[Bertel Lund Hansen]

BIRGIT TURN JENSEN skrev:

>Hvori ligger problemmet?

Det ligger i at de generelle regler på usenet siger, at man ikke
sender så store filer.

>Mit program henter kun de meddelelser jeg beder den om; man kan da bare lade
>være med at hente de, der fylder for meget!

Må jeg poste en fil på 500 KB? 1 MB? 1 GB?

Nej vel. Der er nødt til at være en grænse. Der er ikke en præcis
grænse, men 500 linier er nok i overkanten. Hvis man vil
distribuere så store filer, er usenet ikke velegnet. Det er
derimod en hjemmeside. Tænk på, at den fil ryger rundt til alle
servere i hele verden. Hvad skal de med 200 KB danske jokes?

Mit program kan skam også sortere på forskellige måder, men det
kan ikke speede nettet op, hvis det bliver sønderbombet af kilo-
og megapostninger.

--
Venlig hilsen, Bertel

[Poul-Erik Andreasen]

On Thu, 5 Mar 1998 19:33:16, "BIRGIT TURN JENSEN"
<turn....@get2net.dk> wrote:

> Hvori ligger problemmet?

> Mit program henter kun de meddelelser jeg beder den om; man kan da bare lade
> være med at hente de, der fylder for meget!
>

Der er en del af os der har newsreaderen sat op til automtisk at
nedtage alt
hvad der måtte komme i gruppen. det kan kun lade sig gøre hvis filerne
holdes på et rimeligt niveau. Så før vi går igang med killfiltre og
hvad der ellers
findes til at styre den slags ting, så starter man lige med en lille
opfordring
til mådehold.Men det er der også nogen der ikke kan gøre med måde:-)

Det sidste var en Vits.

M.V.H.

Poul-Erik Andreasen
poul...@image.dk
www.image.dk/~poulerik

PEA's 1. lov: Der er altid vrøvl med EDB, fordi folk altid roder med
det på grænsen af deres formåen.
PEA's 2. lov: PEA's 1 lov gælder ikke for kvinder; de roder kun med
EDB, til deres behov er opfyldt.

[Jesper Juellund Jensen]

BIRGIT TURN JENSEN <turn....@get2net.dk> wrote:

> Hvori ligger problemmet?
> Mit program henter kun de meddelelser jeg beder den om; man kan da bare lade
> være med at hente de, der fylder for meget!

Jeg kan også sætte mit program til kun at hente de meddelelser, som jeg
beder om. Men for mange af de nyhedsgrupper, jeg følger med i, vil jeg
have det hele, og det er så nemmere at bede mit program om blot at hente
alt fra de pågældende nyhedsgrupper - og så er det irriterende med de
lange ligegyldige meddelelser...

--
Jesper Juellund Jensen
E-mail: j...@post5.tele.dk
Web: home5.inet.tele.dk/jjj