The video, obtained through trusted but unnamed sources, shows Ellison -
dressed in full Samurai regalia and petting a stuffed Koi fish -
discussing the details of his plot. The video, although grainy and very
low-quality, appears to have been shot in Ellison's secret mountain
fortress high above Newark in the East Bay Area.

"Henceforth, I shall no longer be known as Lawrence Ellison! From this
moment forward, I shall be known as Supreme Samurai Shigetoshi of the
clan Hasegawa!" the tape begins. "We shall install NCs in all of
America's motel rooms! America shall entrust its data to me, the Supreme
Samurai! The PC Revolution shall finally be quelled! We shall have
access to all data! All Britney Spears fakes shall be mine!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The tape reveals some technical details of the plot. The "Motel Rules"
sign on the back of each motel room door will be replaced with a two
foot by three foot poster, printed in six point type, listing common
Linux commands, explaining how to remove Netscape lock files, explaining
what to do when Netscape crashes, explaining how to figure out how many
Netscape windows can be opened before Netscape crashes, explaining how
to tell whether Netscape is just thinking or has actually crashed,
explaining how to figure out if Netscape will print anything after
having printed 'Starting Java...', explaining how to set the classpath,
and explaining how to reboot the system. "America shall gladly give up
her hard drives simply to prevent Netscape from corrupting them!"

A spokesperson from Oracle's Apologistics department stated that the
tape is "an obvious forgery." He stated that "these are the types of
ideas you only have when you're really, really drunk. You know,
almost-about-to-pass-out drunk." However, he went on to say "the NC idea
does have a lot of promise."

We attempted to contact Ellison for comment after yesterday's 'Rock
Against Microsoft' concert at Cupertino Community College. As we
followed him to his solar-powered JavaCar(TM), he stated "the tape is an
obvious forgery. I have no comment." Shortly thereafter, he asked
"Anyone know what 'Class com.chevy.Start Not Found' means? Anyone want
to help me push start this thing?"