MANCOW'S TWILIGHT ZONE

[P.J. Gladnick]

YOU'RE TRAVELLING THROUGH ANOTHER DIMENSION, A DIMENSION NOT

ONLY OF SIGHT AND SOUND BUT OF MIND; A JOURNEY INTO A WONDROUS

LAND WHOSE BOUNDARIES ARE THAT OF THE IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE

SIGNPOST UP AHEAD---YOUR NEXT STOP, THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

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(We see a radio broadcast studio. Sitting at the broadcast booth are Mancow
Muller and his sidekick, Turd. A woman walks into the studio.)

MANCOW: We'll get back on the phone to the comedian, uhh, I mean the guy
raped by a corn dog in just a moment. My producer, Irma, just came
storming into the studio. Gee, Irma, I wonder what could be troubling you?

IRMA: Mancow, I'm sick of the way you've been treating me. I'm quitting
right now!

(Irma leaves the studio.)

MANCOW: Golly! What a surprise! Well, folks, at least you heard it all on
the air. This is yet another one of Mancow's spontaneous moments that you
can get only while listening to my cutting edge show.

TURD: It looks like we're at the end of today's broadcast. I'll see you on
Monday, Mancow. This weekend I'm going to practice going over the side of a
building in a pickup truck.

(The broadcast light goes out and Irma walks smiling into the studio.)

MANCOW: That walkout of yours should excite the jerks for the weekend. When
I come back on the air on Monday, Turd and I will talk about hiring you
back and let the controversy simmer for a few days before you show up
again.

TURD: You sure know how to squeeze the suckers for every last ratings
point! By the way, what are your plans for the weekend?

MANCOW: Oh, I think I'll visit my old home town in Kansas and impress the
hicks with my fame and fortune.

(Mancow uses a lighter to set fire to a hundred dollar bill which he uses
to light up a large cigar.)

MANCOW (laughing): HAW! HAW! HAW!

(Mancow continues laughing in the background as Rod Serling steps into the
foreground.)

SERLING: Portrait of a Chicago DJ named Mancow Muller. A man desperately
trying to stay ahead in the radio ratings. He is also a total fraud. A
purveyor of lies whose whole career rests on nothing but cheap tricks and
gimmicks. Mancow doesn't realize it yet but he is about to take a trip
into---The Twilight Zone.

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(We see Mancow driving on a country road in Kansas, surrounded by
cornfields. Suddenly we hear a high pitch whining sound in the distance.)

MANCOW: Hey, what's that sound?

(Mancow looks up and sees as flying saucer hovering in the air. A ray beam
from the saucer burns and clears a field in the middle of the tall corn.)

MANCOW: OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! A FLYING SAUCER!

(Mancow drives through the corn field until he reaches the area cleared by
the flying saucer's beam. He jumps out of his car and looks up at the
flying saucer above him. A booming voice is heard coming from the saucer.)

SAUCER VOICE: ATTENTION EARTHLING! WE HAVE TRAVELLED OVER A BILLION LIGHT
YEARS TO DELIVER AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOUR PLANET!

MANCOW: YES! YES!

SAUCER VOICE: WE WILL BRING PEACE AND PROSPERITY TO YOUR PLANET!

MANCOW: GREAT NEWS!

SAUCER VOICE: AND WE WILL MAKE YOU ABSOLUTE RULER OF EARTH!

MANCOW: OH, HOW WONDERFUL!

SAUCER VOICE: BUT---IN ORDER FOR ALL THIS TO HAPPEN AND TO EARN THIS HONOR,
YOU MUST RETURN TO THIS FIELD OF BEAMS WITH AT LEAST ONE OTHER EARTHLING
IN EXACTLY ONE WEEK! THIS WILL BE A TEST OF YOUR LEADERSHIP ABILITIES TO
CONVINCE OTHER EARTH PEOPLE TO BELIEVE IN YOU!

MANCOW: HA! HA! Piece of cake! I've already got thousands of listeners to
my radio show!

(The flying saucer rises up into the sky and disappears.)

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(We see Mancow back in his radio studio with Turd.)

TURD: Hey Mancow, what do you think of that Irma quitting last Friday?

MANCOW: Never mind that for now; I've got something much more important
to.....

TURD (interrupting): But Mancow, I thought we were going to talk about the
controversy over Irma quitting on the air.

MANCOW: SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE CREEP!

TURD (whispering): Psst! Mancow! I thought we were going to milk more
ratings from that Irma routine.

MANCOW: Ladies and gentlemen, what I am about to tell you is going to make
you forget all about Irma.

TURD (still whispering): Hey, what gives? This wasn't in the script!

MANCOW: On Saturday I had the greatest experience in the history of the
world. A flying saucer appeared before me at the Field of Beams in Kansas.
The voice from the saucer told me that the aliens would bring peace and
prosperity to our planet.

TURD (still whispering): Oh man! Have you flipped out?

MANCOW: Not only that but they promised that I will rule as leader of this
planet. All they ask for this to happen is that at least one other person
must return with me next Saturday to the Field of Beams. Now let's take
some phone calls on this subject. The first caller on the line is Hector.

HECTOR (on the phone): Mancow, this just proves what a lying fraud you are!
First you have a phony stunt at the Christmas Show, then you use comedians
to pretend they're real guests, and now this! I hope they run you out of
town, like what happened to you in San Francisco, for telling such an
obvious lie!

MANCOW: Ha! That's where you're wrong, Hector. This time I really am
telling the truth about the flying saucer......Hey! How come the broadcast
light went out?

(Suddenly the station's General Manager barges angrily into the studio.)

GENERAL MANAGER: The light is off because you're off the air for the rest
of the day! Listen you little shmuck! How dare you come up with that stupid
flying saucer story!

MANCOW: But it's true! It really happened!

GENERAL MANAGER (sarcastically): Yeah, yeah. Sure. Just like Irma quitting
was for real.

MANCOW: No! No! This time it's not shtick. A flying saucer really did
deliver a message to me!

GENERAL MANAGER: HEY! It's me you're talking to, remember? NOT one of your
dumb radio listeners. We can't afford any more erosion in the ratings
because of your credibility problems. When you go back on the air tomorrow,
just tell everybody that it was all just a joke.

MANCOW: But.....but.

GENERAL MANAGER: It's either that or you're off the air forever.

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(We see Mancow in his apartment drinking from a bottle of whiskey.)

MANCOW: SOB! They didn't believe me! I get the greatest scoop ever and
nobody believes a thing I say! I bet if Howard Stern made the same
announcement, they would believe him.

(Mancow stumbles over to a mirror and looks into it.)

MANCOW (continuing): So why is Howard credible and I'm not? Maybe it's
because he consistently goes all the way and tells the complete truth no
matter how painful it is.

(Mancow snaps his fingers.)

MANCOW (continuing): HEY! THAT'S IT! I'll do the same thing as Howard! Be
completely candid and tell nothing but the truth. That way people will
believe me about the flying saucer!

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(We see Mancow back at the broadcast booth the next morning.)

TURD: Maybe we should ask Irma to come back to work. What do you think,
Mancow?

MANCOW: I think it doesn't matter because Irma never really quit. It was
just another phony stunt that I've perpetrated on the listening public.

TURD: Huh? Are you all there, Mancow?

MANCOW: My name is Mancow Muller and I am a fraud. Everything I do is fake.
Turd going over the side of a building in a truck? It was really a dummy.
Guests calling up on the air with wierd psychological problems? They were
just comedians doing an act. I'll even make another confession about when I
cried in San Francisco and said how sorry I was about causing problems for
commuters when I halted traffic out there in a stupid stunt. Well, the
truth was that I didn't give a damn about those commuters. I was really
crying because I was scared about losing my job. I am making these totally
truthful confessions so that you will believe me when I tell you what
happened last Saturday when a flying saucer.....

(The broadcast light goes out and the General Manager crashes through the
studio door. He pulls Mancow out of his seat and slaps him hard across the
face.)

GENERAL MANAGER: YOU'RE FIRED! I WARNED YOU YESTERDAY! NOW GET THE HELL OUT
OF HERE!

MANCOW (laughing hysterically): You'll be sorry! Plenty of people heard me
yesterday! Somebody has to believe me! This Saturday the flying saucer will
return! They will make me ruler of the earth and YOU WILL BE MY SLAVE!

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(We see Mancow driving wildly through the Kansas cornfields until he comes
to the Field of Beams clearing. He jumps out of his car and looks around.
No one else is there.)

MANCOW (twirling around): WHERE IS EVERYBODY? DIDN'T ANYBODY BELIEVE ME!!?

(The flying saucer returns overhead.)

SAUCER VOICE: EARTHLING! YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR MISSION. YOU HAVE COME
BACK WITH NO ONE!

(The flying saucer rises up into the sky and disappears into the distance.)

MANCOW: WAIT! COME BACK!

(Mancow sinks helplessly to his knees and collapses on the ground. He
starts sobbing and bangs on the ground with his fist.)

MANCOW: My name is Mancow Muller and I am a fraud! My name is Mancow Muller
and I am a fraud!

(The scene cuts to Mancow still sobbing and banging on a concrete floor.)

MANCOW: My name is Mancow Muller and I am a fraud!

(We see that Mancow is in a cell. A couple of attendants in white jackets
are looking at him through the cell's bars. Mancow continues his sobbing
and mumbling as he bangs the floor.)

ATTENDANT #1: That poor guy has been repeating that same thing for months.

ATTENDANT #2: The Doc says there's nothing that can be done for him. It
looks like he's a hopeless case.

(The attendants walk away and we hear Rod Serling's voice as Mancow
continues his pathetic mumbling.)

SERLING: Submitted for your approval. A story of a DJ who cried wolf just
one time too many in---The Twilight Zone.