2/2 Puns
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:3FAB4D72...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:3FA7076C...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Proper: Price per unit of equipment needed for plays.
> > > >
> > > Properties: What the actors drink after the show, instead of the
> imitation
> > > stuff the pretend to drink on stage.
> >
> > Realties: True teas drunk by dealers in homes and the land under
said
> homes.
> >
> Casualties: Drunk while wearing informal clothes.
> Charities: Teas brought by a Char Lady.
> Empties: Teas with electromagnetic and magnetic screening to comply
with EEC
> regs.
> Novelties: Teas drunk while reading a good book.
> Pities: 3.141592654 of cups.
Treaties: Teas drunk by diplomats.
Tim Bruening
Bobbie: Police insect that buzzes and makes honey.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Bespoke 1: Orator bee.
>
> Bespoke 2: Leafcutter bee who makes suites of clothes out of leaves for the
> other bees.
Bespoke 3: Part of a bee bike wheel.
Tim Bruening
Peasent: Rural penny.
Pheasant: Flying penny.
Fly Ying: Small Chinese insect.
Fly Ying: Levitating Chinese.
Levitating: Flying bell.
Tim Bruening
Pollywolly wrote:
> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > On Mon, 26 Apr 2004 10:18:57 +1000, "Pollywolly" <po...@atjfaq.com>
> > found these unused words floating about:
> >
> >> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >>> On Sat, 24 Apr 2004 17:24:42 +1000, "Pollywolly" <po...@atjfaq.com>
> >>> found these unused words floating about:
> >>>
> >>>> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >>>>> On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 22:52:29 +1000, "Pollywolly"
> >>>>> <po...@atjfaq.com> found these unused words floating about:
> >>>>>
> >>>>>> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >>>>>>> On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 00:32:47 GMT, David Reihmer
> >>>>>>> <sim...@mindspring.com> found these unused words floating about:
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> In article <c651q...@enews1.newsguy.com>, "S."
> >>>>>>>> <s...@usenet.com> wrote:
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Why do the French have only one
> >>>>>>>>> egg for breakfast?
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Because one egg is an oeuf.
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> True story; I heard this joke at a meeting at work some time
> >>>>>>>> ago. One of my coworkers was from India. Later that day, I
> >>>>>>>> heard him retell it on the phone: "Why do the French have only
> >>>>>>>> one egg for breakfast?" "Because one egg is plenty!" I don't
> >>>>>>>> think the person on the phone laughed as hard as I did.
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> Language barriers are no pun for discussion. The French may
> >>>>>>> have a word for it, but I can't translate ...
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> I was thinking of a double entendre, but I know that's not right.
> >>>>>> Droit!!
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Prior at tea? Two droit!
> >>>>
> >>>> Should I ad-minister one lump or two?
> >>>
> >>> g'oeuf'r two ... they're small unless you're goosed.
> >>
> >> Maybe you can squirrel them away.
> >
> > Ostrich of the imagination ...
>
> I've always wondered about the bull, whether Emus.
Emu: Cow on the Internet.
Emu: Subatomic particle on the Internet.
Polymers: Multiple oceans of parrots.
Tim Bruening
Corky: Key to opening a wine bottle.
Curacy: Ocean of speeding dogs.
Current: To borrow a dog.
Currency: To borrow a dog ocean.
Currency: Ocean of money.
Tim Bruening
Ducky: Key to a mallard.
Dynasty: What happens in war.
Dynasty: Tea drunk by Emperors.
Fathoming: 6 foot vase?
nemo
. . . or a sailor winning the Lottery.
nemo
> Copper: Price for a policeman.
>
> Bobbie: Police insect that buzzes and makes honey.
>
He only rented it and he's got to give it back now.
nemo
Monomer: A Frenchman's Father Simpson doll.
BTW. The monomer of the PVC molecule is extremely carcinogenic, and PVC is
not always as stable as we're led to believe. That's why it's banned in some
Scandinavian countries - a fact that is kept very, very quiet!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
How did you find out?
nemo
They often let slip things like that in OU programmes, another example being
the hole in the ozone layer that opens up over the Mediterranean and the
bridge between it and the North Pole one that sometimes opens up right above
the British Isles.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
How did you find out?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Sritk <sr...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:20040228003013...@mb-m27.aol.com...
> > Hate crime-how I feel about lawbreaking.
> > Hate speech-why I don't talk much.
> > Hate groups-why I don't belong to any clubs.
>
> Hateable: Why I eat on the floor.
> Hatefulness: Why I don't eat much.
Haiti: I don't like that drink.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Colleen sat on Max's pet rat and squashed it.
>
> The doc managed to resuscitate it with his thumb. Somebody said at least he
> didn't have to use mouth to mouth - and Sally chimed in: "Or mouse to
> mouse!"
Mouse to mouse: How to revive a computer.
Tim Bruening
"J. A. Mc." wrote:
> On 02 May 2004 22:05:41 GMT, johnnai...@aol.com (Johnnaishwerner) found
> these unused words floating about:
>
> >Question (on the telephone): Are you in Thailand?
> >Answer: Yes, Siam.
> Q: Bank OK?
Bangkok: Violent sex.
Tim Bruening
"J. A. Mc." wrote:
> For many years the various sections of the Tate family were scattered far
> and wide. Finally, with the advent of cheap travel, they decided to get
> together enmasse. What no one forsaw was that they were all extremely
> amorous in nature.
>
> Soon they had all paired off and the hall resounded with shouts, calls and
> grunts. Forevermore it became known as the united Tate's congress.
Leading to the Baby Boom.
Baby Boom: Very loud infants.
Tim Bruening
Consummating: Bells on their honeymoon.
Fornicating: Bells having sex.
Heating: Hot male bell.
Hurting: Female bell that's into BMDS.
Sheeting: Female bell under the covers.
Tim Bruening
Greg Evans wrote:
> nemo wrote:
> > Tim Bruening wrote:
>
> >> Consummating: Bells on their honeymoon.
> >> Fornicating: Bells having sex.
> >> Heating: Hot male bell.
> >> Hurting: Female bell that's into BMDS.
> >
> > or is that really a dyslexic bell who's into BDSM?
>
> No no, "BMDs" = Bells of Mass Destruction!
Used in wardings, warpings, and war thogs.
Tim Bruening
Dolphin: What a doll fish needs to swim in the doll sea.
Tim Bruening
What two hard long vessels contain sea men?
A penis and a Naaavy ship!
Tim Bruening
Hauke Reddmann wrote:
> Juliet said to Romeo to meet him on the balcany.
> No wonder both are dead now.
Hamlet: To rent a pig house.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> An English cook went up to Scotland to study Highland cooking and was soon
> found dead with a dirty great Claymore stuck up his arse!
>
> The Highland chief said, "Aye! He had it comin'. He kept on criticisin' ourr
> food! He just wouldn't stop makin' disporridging remarks!"
The Highlanders must not get off Scot free!
Claymore: More ceramics!
Ceramic: A sheep pottery knight
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Larry Krzewinski <Feerles...@madmagazine.com> wrote in message
> news:l397c0pgrt4b54784...@4ax.com...
> > On 6 Jun 2004 15:53:04 -0700, tsbr...@dcn.davis.ca.us (Tim Bruening)
> > wrote:
> >
> > >> I *am* the scorekeeper.
> > >
> > >What do you keep 20 of?
> >
> > Fingers and toes. Why?
>
> Not sheet music, or in the case of pop, shit music?
Sheet music: Played by the KKK band.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4192FB31...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > jjp wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:<401DC48C...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>...
> > > > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > On 30 Jan 2004 18:38:19 -0800, diana...@peoplepc.com (Diane
> Firstman)
> > > > > found these unused words floating about:
> > > > >
> > > > > >Any Super Bowl-related puns out here?
> > > > > We do the work and Huston the credit?
> > > >
> > > > Houston: Overweight city in Texas.
> > >
> > > Yeah, if you consider number of restaurants and sporting goods
stores
> > > as good ways to measure if people are fat. That "study" by Men's
> > > Fitness Magazine is nothing more than junk science.
> >
> > Sharpton: City of blades.
>
> Over here, that used to be Sheffield, where they grow cooks!
Garfield: Where orange cats are grown, such as Agent Orange and
Orange-G.
Tim Bruening
Chris Trask wrote:
> "Michael Balarama" <mba...@ev1.net> wrote in message
> news:101ag0t...@corp.supernews.com...
> > A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve
> > you, but don't start anything."
> >
> >
>
> The bar was a hangout for musicians and writers. The bartender himself
> was a conductor, and Volt(aire) had been known to frequent the place as he
> found the stock to be more than amp(le). Many other patrons considered it
> to be an ohm away from ohm.
Resistance is futile.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42A7E946...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Casey: Suitcase ocean.
> >
> > CBS: Ocean where bees watch TV.
> >
> > CC: Ocean of copies.
> >
> > Daisy: Flower ocean.
> >
> > DC: Ocean of politicians.
>
> DC Gillespie: Famous electrically-powered jazz trumpeter.
Jazzy: Musical zombie.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42A7E946...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Casey: Suitcase ocean.
> >
> > CBS: Ocean where bees watch TV.
> >
> > CC: Ocean of copies.
> >
> > Daisy: Flower ocean.
> >
> > DC: Ocean of politicians.
>
> DC Gillespie: Famous electrically-powered jazz trumpeter.
Trumpet: Musical animal.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42A7E97A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > UC: Very smart ocean.
> >
> > WC: Ocean of toilets.
> >
> > XC: Ocean of aliens.
>
> You need to XP8 those - and all the others!
I will not DV8 from my course!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:433A3EEE...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > "nemo" <ne...@naughtylass.wet> wrote in message
> > news:<_HYvc.9791$wd7....@front-1.news.blueyonder.co.uk>...
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:a69c46fe.0406...@posting.google.com...
> > > > "Greg Evans" <gregIGN...@charter.BLATHER.net> wrote in message
> > > news:<10bt419...@corp.supernews.com>...
> > > > > Mos wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > > I did, but forgot to sign it.
> > > > > > Hope you can figure out it's from me.
> > > > >
> > > > > "If The E-mail Doesn't *Ding*, It's Me" ?
> > > >
> > > > E-mail: Internet armor.
> > > >
> > > > Eeker: Internet dog.
> > >
> > > Don't forger the e-Mohel, travelling on trains provided by the UK Postal
> > > Service, Mohel Rail.
> > >
> > > E-mitation. Indian gent wearing a glove he bought online.
> >
> > Bitten: The 10th computer file.
> >
> > Bitberg: A computer in ice.
>
> Bittern: A relatively small tawny-brown heron with nocturnal habits and a
> booming cry, often found in marshes with teethmarks in its arse!
>
> Go on! Do 'booming'!
Booming: Ghostly Chinese vase.
nemo
It was mentioned once a long time ago in a TV documentary and never again;
it was confirmed in a fact-based drama series about environmental problems
and disasters called 'Doomwatch' which was written by a scientist called Kit
Pedlar, who died shortly afterwasds in mysterious circumstances. It was also
confirmed on a Health and Safety at Work training course I attended.
Yaa happy now! Yaa happy?
nemo
Haďti: A Chinese meal on to of a mountain.
(Old pronunciation.)
nemo
Resusc Monkey: The Macaque who does it.
Paramedics: Two doctors.
nemo
Or an exploding willie! (High blood pressure plus too much Viagra)
nemo
Either that, or it's a horizontal mast on a yacht with infants dangling from
it!
nemo
. . or what a Mexican is doing when he's in the toilet.
nemo
War Togs: A pig's military uniform.
nemo
> Porcupine: Cross between a pig and a tree.
>
> Dolphin: What a doll fish needs to swim in the doll sea.
Dolphick: A cetacean who needs to lose weight.
nemo
nemo
"Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:43E2CC98...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
>
>
> A penis and a Naaavy ship!
In the Navy -
They lift each other's shirts!
In the Navy -
They do it till it hurts!
In the Navy -
They all get bloody AIDS!
In the Navy -
It spoils all their parades!
nemo
To rent is the opposite of to let.
The smallest tenant: A leastholder!
nemo
Porcelain: A china pig.
nemo
Jewish KKK: Cohen Heads!
nemo
Enfield: Full of free-range chickens.
Springfield: Where they grow rifles.
Wakefield: Where they grow alarm clocks.
nemo
Futile: Why there are holes in the roof.
nemo
Girl who can predict men getting electrocuted via their bald heads: Ann D.C.
Pate.
nemo
Euphonium: Latin for a fake female sheep.
nemo
What about if it leads up a freezing poke? A Coldy Sac?
nemo
Over here, ghosts go wooooooooooooooooo. Especially when they're courting.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
You accuse sailors of violating the ban on homosexuality?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
3 Musketeers: 3 crying guns.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43E2D2F5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:42A7E97A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > UC: Very smart ocean.
> > > >
> > > > WC: Ocean of toilets.
> > > >
> > > > XC: Ocean of aliens.
> > >
> > > You need to XP8 those - and all the others!
> >
> > I will not DV8 from my course!
>
> What about if it leads up a freezing poke? A Coldy Sac?
A Cold Dish?
nemo
knows that!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,822759,00.html
nemo
her letter, "You must get 'ere!! You must get 'ere!! You must get 'ere!!"
nemo
Sac > Sack = OE and ME poke.
A very choosy and fussy eater: Highly dishcriminating.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
3 Musketeers: 3 crying guns.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43E2D2F5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:42A7E97A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > UC: Very smart ocean.
> > > >
> > > > WC: Ocean of toilets.
> > > >
> > > > XC: Ocean of aliens.
> > >
> > > You need to XP8 those - and all the others!
> >
> > I will not DV8 from my course!
>
> What about if it leads up a freezing poke? A Coldy Sac?
A Cold Dish of Raddish?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
3 Musketeers: 3 crying guns.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43E2D2F5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:42A7E97A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > UC: Very smart ocean.
> > > >
> > > > WC: Ocean of toilets.
> > > >
> > > > XC: Ocean of aliens.
> > >
> > > You need to XP8 those - and all the others!
> >
> > I will not DV8 from my course!
>
> What about if it leads up a freezing poke? A Coldy Sac?
A Cold Dish of Raddish?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4200A063...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Pollywolly wrote:
> >
> > > J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > > > On Mon, 26 Apr 2004 10:18:57 +1000, "Pollywolly" <po...@atjfaq.com>
> > > > found these unused words floating about:
> > > >
> > > >> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > > >>> On Sat, 24 Apr 2004 17:24:42 +1000, "Pollywolly" <po...@atjfaq.com>
> > > >>> found these unused words floating about:
> > > >>>
> > > >>>> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > > >>>>> On Fri, 23 Apr 2004 22:52:29 +1000, "Pollywolly"
> > > >>>>> <po...@atjfaq.com> found these unused words floating about:
> > > >>>>>
> > > >>>>>> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > > >>>>>>> On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 00:32:47 GMT, David Reihmer
> > > >>>>>>> <sim...@mindspring.com> found these unused words floating about:
> > > >>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>>> In article <c651q...@enews1.newsguy.com>, "S."
> > > >>>>>>>> <s...@usenet.com> wrote:
> > > >>>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>>>> Why do the French have only one
> > > >>>>>>>>> egg for breakfast?
> > > >>>>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>>>> Because one egg is an oeuf.
> > > >>>>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>>> True story; I heard this joke at a meeting at work some time
> > > >>>>>>>> ago. One of my coworkers was from India. Later that day, I
> > > >>>>>>>> heard him retell it on the phone: "Why do the French have only
> > > >>>>>>>> one egg for breakfast?" "Because one egg is plenty!" I don't
> > > >>>>>>>> think the person on the phone laughed as hard as I did.
> > > >>>>>>>
> > > >>>>>>> Language barriers are no pun for discussion. The French may
> > > >>>>>>> have a word for it, but I can't translate ...
> > > >>>>>>
> > > >>>>>> I was thinking of a double entendre, but I know that's not right.
> > > >>>>>> Droit!!
> > > >>>>>
> > > >>>>> Prior at tea? Two droit!
> > > >>>>
> > > >>>> Should I ad-minister one lump or two?
> > > >>>
> > > >>> g'oeuf'r two ... they're small unless you're goosed.
> > > >>
> > > >> Maybe you can squirrel them away.
> > > >
> > > > Ostrich of the imagination ...
> > >
> > > I've always wondered about the bull, whether Emus.
> >
> > Emu: Cow on the Internet.
> >
> > Emu: Subatomic particle on the Internet.
> >
> > Polymers: Multiple oceans of parrots.
>
> Monomer: A Frenchman's Father Simpson doll.
>
> BTW. The monomer of the PVC molecule is extremely carcinogenic, and PVC is
> not always as stable as we're led to believe. That's why it's banned in some
> Scandinavian countries - a fact that is kept very, very quiet!
How did you find out?
nemo
From a documentary about why it's banned in some Scandinavian countries.
Channel 4 of course, before it dumbed down the same as the rest of our TV!
Tim Bruening
nemo
From several early TV documentaries from way back when worries about
pollution were just beginning, an environmental drama series written by Kit
Peddler and an article in New Scientist magazine. So there.
And just try leaving cheap tools with PVC handles in the sun. The handles go
all sticky.