2/6 Puns
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:3FCB0AC7...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Goosing: Singing mud.
> >
> Easing: Better singing on the Internet
>
> Biasing: Shoppers singing.
Fleecing: Singing wool.
Hylander: A landing craft high on drugs.
Tim Bruening
Kathy wrote:
> "nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> news:4lCQb.113120$Es.5...@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > Dead rodent: Mouseover.
> >
> Dead chameleon: A hang while running the install lizard.
Dead lizard: No more color monitor.
Dead duck: No more download.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Dead rodent: Mouseover.
Dead sheep: No more RAM.
Tim Bruening
Cookie: Favorite computer food.
Chocolate chip cookie: Favorite food of a chocolate computer.
Motherboard: Mother of a tree.
I.T.: Beverage on the Internet. E.T.: Another such beverage.
Transistor: Female sibling of computer.
Tim Bruening
Buffalo Chilkat wrote:
> mike wheeEler wrote:
>
> >In article <54t6svct7dkle5d4u...@4ax.com>,
> >jaS...@gbr.online.com, J. A. Mc. was looking at the world oddly
when:
> >>
> >>On Tue, 25 Nov 2003 13:22:14 +0000, Jan Hyde
> >><Stella...@REMOVE.ME.uboot.com> found these unused words
floating
> >>about:
> >>
> >>>"nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet>'s wild thoughts were released
> >>>on Tue, 25 Nov 2003 11:47:23 GMT bearing the following
> >>>fruit:
> >>>
> >>>>I tried installing Boot Manager 5 - but it turned out to be a load
of old
> >>>>cobblers.
> >>>>
> >>>Shoe should have known better.
> >>
> >>Nothing lasts ...
> >
> >Broken hearts heel themselves.
>
> That was a callous thing to say. :-)
Shooting: Footwear that kills.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:419435FF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Accountants: Ant money managers.
> >
> > Antlers: Horny ants.
> >
> > Antibiotics: Ants that fight germs.
> >
> > Antic: Tick that infests ants.
> >
> > Ante-bellum: Ants in the Old South that hate ringing objects.
> >
> > Coolants: Ants in the "in" crowd
> >
> > Decant: To pour an ant from a bottle.
> >
> > Defendants: Ants on trial.
> >
> > Dormant: Sleeping ant.
> >
> > Entrant: Ant in a contest.
> >
> > Fire Ants: Ants who fight fires.
> >
> > Important: High ranking ant.
> >
> > Migrant: Ant that moves.
> >
> > Mutant: Ant/cow/cat crossbreed.
> >
> > Reluctant: An ant that is hard to persuade.
> >
> > Remnant: The ant left over.
> >
> > Repentant: Remorseful ant.
> >
> > Resistant: Ant that blocks progress.
> >
> > Tenant: After 9 ant.
>
> Antipodes: Against formicidę's feet.
Antedate: Formicidę romantic encounters.
Anthem: Formicidę patriotic song.
Antibody: Formicidę immune response.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Mel <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote in message
> news:o895p0thc4d75irgq...@4ax.com...
> > On Wed, 10 Nov 2004 11:36:58 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com> wrote in
> > message <1100104209.2hJflqheve+yHT1GcNNClg@1usenet>:
> > >Wed, 10 Nov 2004 02:25:50 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>On Tue, 09 Nov 2004 18:55:33 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com> wrote in
> > >>>Tue, 09 Nov 2004 23:15:03 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >>>until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>>>On Tue, 09 Nov 2004 12:31:32 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com> wrote
> in
> > >>>>>Tue, 09 Nov 2004 05:39:20 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >>>>>until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>>>>>On Mon, 08 Nov 2004 17:07:40 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com>
> wrote in
> > >>>>>>>Mon, 08 Nov 2004 16:36:15 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >>>>>>>until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>>On Sun, 07 Nov 2004 16:47:26 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com>
> wrote in
> > >>>>>>>>>Sun, 07 Nov 2004 15:36:05 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >>>>>>>>>until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>>>>On Fri, 05 Nov 2004 21:06:04 -0500, Keith E. <i.m....@aol.com>
> wrote in
> > >>>>>>>>>>>Fri, 05 Nov 2004 19:21:41 +0200 was a day just like any other,
> > >>>>>>>>>>>until "Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote:
> > >>>>>>>>>>>>have you ever had the company of a real African Black person?
> > >>>>>>>>>>>>they're not coarse and crude and violent and stupid like the
> stereotypical
> > >>>>>>>>>>>>"African American".
> > >>>>>>>>>>>Wanna trade?
> > >>>>>>>>>>sure. i can sell you batches of 10 niggers for $1000/batch. how
> many batches
> > >>>>>>>>>>should i ship you?
> > >>>>>>>>>That depends - how many do you want in return?
> > >>>>>>>>African Americans aren't good for anything. they won't work. you
> can just
> > >>>>>>>>kill them all if yer done with them.
> > >>>>>>>>our fine African niggers are guaranteed to work or else you whip
> 'em until
> > >>>>>>>>they do.
> > >>>>>>>So, since ours are worthless, I send you 1000 and you send back
> > >>>>>>>one.
> > >>>>>>don't waste your money shipping them. just depose of them stateside.
> > >>>>>Our landfills don't have enough room, and I'll testify pygthur
> > >>>>>that fact.
> > >>>>drop them in the ocean then. lots of space there, and they're
> biodegradable.
> > >>>You know you want 'em.
> > >>the talented ones.
> > >Oh, you want the ho's.
> >
> > you betcha!
> >
> Good. He likes 'em too. He'll get venerable diseases that'll make him so
> confused he'll forget how to sign his name.
>
> Then he'll be cipherless and won't know whether he's gone or 'ere!
Cipher: Secret hair.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> ur_droll <who....@fuck.co> wrote in message
> news:sN5ld.913$9A.4...@news.xtra.co.nz...
> > "ŃšS-|-MŠ" <mĆŠMĮ×¹@ÅsSremover.com> wrote in message
> > news:1100276301.GeMibH/kwEb6TtuEardQVw@teranews...
> > : ur_droll, wasting several more cubic feet of our planet's precious
> > : oxygen, hurled 62 lines of bandwidth-murdering idiocy into
> > : alt.tasteless.jokes on Sat, 13 Nov 2004 01:42:41 +1300 with this
> > : little gem.. <Ge2ld.877$9A.4...@news.xtra.co.nz>:
> > :
> > : >"ŃšS-|-MŠ" <mĆŠMĮ×¹@ÅsSremover.com> wrote in message
> > : >news:1100254973.JoO0PWafJgwqCie4+gR7rw@teranews...
> > : >: ur_droll, wasting several more cubic feet of our planet's precious
> > : >: oxygen, hurled 44 lines of bandwidth-murdering idiocy into
> > : >: alt.tasteless.jokes on Fri, 12 Nov 2004 19:44:34 +1300 with this
> > : >: little gem.. <W_Ykd.759$9A.3...@news.xtra.co.nz>:
> > : >:
> > : >: >"Mel" <m...@atj.faq.com> wrote in message
> > : >: >news:qe18p05q7ooae7527...@4ax.com...
> > :
> > : >: >: there's obviously a lot of interest in this subject, so someone
> > should
> > : >: >write
> > : >: >: a FAQ on sheep fucking. i wonder who we should ask?
> > : >: >
> > : >: >Maxie seems to know lots of tricks that I ain't even heard of.
> > : >:
> > : >: ..but that's only for human sex. Come on drip, think of how
> fulfilled
> > : >: you'd feel putting those finely honed skills in print.. "Dr.
> Droll's -
> > : >: Ewe Ramming for Morons"
> > : >
> > : >Only if you wear wool for me
> > :
> > : I wouldn't cross the street to piss in yer face..
> >
> >
> > That's funny...... I don't know anyone that could
> >
> > : I don't know shit
> >
> Your parents must have saved a fortune on feeding you!
Feeding: Price of a bell.
Tim Bruening
news:40a3e2dc$0$28685$d36...@news.calweb.com...
> "J. A. Mc." wrote ...
> > On Thu, 13 May "Cybe R. Wizard" found these unused words floating about:
> >
> > >Vince Barmann wrote:
> > >>
> > >> Michael Balarama wrote:
> > >> > "Marmoset" wrote ...
> > >> >
> > >> >>Hear about the drunk optician?
> > >> >>
> > >> >>He made a spectacle out of himself
> > >> >
> > >> > saw double and drank with his glasses
> > >> >
> > >> Yeh, contacts don't hold enough beer
> > >>
> > >Low capacity among his compatriots?
> > >He needs some lager friends.
> > >
> > Heard 'e 'ales from Milwakee
> >
> ...and he's part of a law enforcement special hops unit.
A unit that arrests bunnies, frogs, kangaroos, grasshoppers, etc.?
Hopping: Musical drink.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41944D7C...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> >
> > > On Fri, 26 Mar 2004 18:30:54 GMT, "headdr" <tmac...@mindspring.com>
> found
> > > these unused words floating about:
> > >
> > > >
> > > >"J. A. Mc." <jaS...@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> > > >news:uqr46091pe2omr862...@4ax.com...
> > > >> On Wed, 24 Mar 2004 16:48:01 -0500, "Harry Farkas"
> <hfa...@wowway.com>
> > > >> found these unused words floating about:
> > > >>
> > > >> >[Courtesy of Pat Drnec in alt.autos.studebaker]
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Misys gives Pecker head job
> > > >> >
> > > >> > By Nick Lord 05 March 2004
> > > >> >
> > > >> > Rudi Pecker assumes position in top slot in Asia.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >
> > > >> > After 14 years inside Misys in Europe, Rudi Pecker has been
> > > >elevated
> > > >> >to the financial technology company's Singapore office, to become
> head of
> > > >> >Asia Pacific sales. In this role, Pecker will head all Misys'
> strategic
> > > >and
> > > >> >commercial activities in the region, aiming to grow the business and
> > > >enter
> > > >> >into long term relationships. Pecker's breadth of experience....
> > > >> >
> > > >> One broker put a "Don't Buy" on Misys, seems to be headed for the Red
> > > >Light
> > > >> district.
> > > >>
> > > >
> > > >Peter Piper Pimped For A Peck Of Pickled Peckers.
> > > >
> > > >Pecker head?
> > > >
> > > Narh ... The gals have a head for peckers, Petey has a mind for prose.
> >
> > Pecker: Virile male dog.
> >
> > Pecking: Virile king.
> >
> > Pecking: Bird king.
>
> Attacking: "Elephant" - King of Chappati flours!
Trunking: Babar the Elephant.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:419431C5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:40A1E7E2...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Rocker: Stone dog.
> > > >
> > > > Rocker: Very big bird dog.
> > > >
> > > > Rocker: Musical dog.
> > > >
> > > > Rocking: Musical king.
> > > >
> > > > Rocking: Stone king.
> > > >
> > > > Rocking: Very big bird king.
> > >
> > > Rockabilly: Goat on a see-saw/teeter-totter.
> > >
> > > Daft bleedin name for a see-saw!
> > >
> > > Titty-totter: Guy who counts breasts.
> > >
> > > Rocketeer: Guy hit in the pinna by a large stone.
> > >
> > > Rockhampton: Stone dick! (Cock-knee rhyming slang.) Like in Naked Gun on
> the
> > > parapet. The bit they usually cut.
> > >
> > > Parapet: Supernatural dog or cat.
> > >
> > > Rhyming: Badly bent Chinese vase.
>
> That'd be Wryming.
Wyoming: Chinese Vase in the Western U.S.
Tim Bruening
> On Thu, 27 Nov 2003 04:37:15 GMT, Buffalo Chilkat
> <mam...@watering.hole> found these unused words floating about:
>
> >mike wheeEler wrote:
> >
> >>In article <54t6svct7dkle5d4u...@4ax.com>,
> >>jaS...@gbr.online.com, J. A. Mc. was looking at the world oddly when:
> >>>
> >>>On Tue, 25 Nov 2003 13:22:14 +0000, Jan Hyde
> >>><Stella...@REMOVE.ME.uboot.com> found these unused words floating
> >>>about:
> >>>
> >>>>"nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet>'s wild thoughts were released
> >>>>on Tue, 25 Nov 2003 11:47:23 GMT bearing the following
> >>>>fruit:
> >>>>
> >>>>>I tried installing Boot Manager 5 - but it turned out to be a load of old
> >>>>>cobblers.
> >>>>>
> >>>>Shoe should have known better.
> >>>
> >>>Nothing lasts ...
> >>
> >>Broken hearts heel themselves.
> >
> >That was a callous thing to say. :-)
>
> Toe'd ya, tried to warn ya, heel spur you on!
Heel Ling: Chinese shoe that cures.
Tim Bruening
mike wheeEler wrote:
> In article <1n9csv441kja9v25o...@4ax.com>,
> jaS...@gbr.online.com, J. A. Mc. was looking at the world oddly when:
> >
> >On Thu, 27 Nov 2003 04:37:15 GMT, Buffalo Chilkat
> ><mam...@watering.hole> found these unused words floating about:
> >
> >>mike wheeEler wrote:
> >>
> >>>In article <54t6svct7dkle5d4u...@4ax.com>,
> >>>jaS...@gbr.online.com, J. A. Mc. was looking at the world oddly when:
> >>>>
> >>>>On Tue, 25 Nov 2003 13:22:14 +0000, Jan Hyde
> >>>><Stella...@REMOVE.ME.uboot.com> found these unused words floating
> >>>>about:
> >>>>
> >>>>>"nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet>'s wild thoughts were released
> >>>>>on Tue, 25 Nov 2003 11:47:23 GMT bearing the following
> >>>>>fruit:
> >>>>>
> >>>>>>I tried installing Boot Manager 5 - but it turned out to be a load of old
> >>>>>>cobblers.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>Shoe should have known better.
> >>>>
> >>>>Nothing lasts ...
> >>>
> >>>Broken hearts heel themselves.
> >>
> >>That was a callous thing to say. :-)
> >
> >Toe'd ya, tried to warn ya, heel spur you on!
> >
> Ya find ya beat insole music...
Musical footwear?
Tim Bruening
Clinker: Dog in jail.
Clanker: Noisy dog.
Faker: Pretend dog.
Flicker: Dog at the movies.
Flanker: Dog who goes around the enemy.
Flocker: Dog who flies with the birds.
Flunker: Dog who fails.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4330E563...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:4232784A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Jenni Saqua wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > "Michael Balarama" originally wrote ...
> > > > > > at church two people from the electric company sat next to me..was
> a
> > > > > > shocking experience...nearly blew a fuse.
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > However, one later told me *he* was amazed at the power of your awe,
> > > mighty!
> > > >
> > > > How stimulating!
> > >
> > > Operation Ore: A Savage attack on Iraq's pædophiles!
> >
> > Or an attack against boat paddles.
>
> Operation Shocking Gnaw: Attack on Iraq by a terrifying giant beaver!
Beaver: Aquatic apine that builds dams.
Tim Bruening
> alohacyberian wrote:
> > J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > > Stan Kegel tweaked:
> > > >Anger: Barbed ire
> > > Berate: Comb pension
> > Compact: Compensation law
> Disinheritance: A leading cause of ill will
E Coli: A computer virus which affects the digestive system.
Furnace: Very hot hair.
Tim Bruening
headdr wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:405BED7B...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Static: Electric tic.
> >
> > Dramatic: Tic in a play.
> >
> > Lunatic: Insane tic.
> >
> > Ticker: Dog parasite.
> >
> > Fleecing: Singing parasite.
> >
> If crabs were part of creation, then Adam and Eve were lousy.
> That's why they had to Flea from Eden.
> Adam was heard to say, "That really bugged me."
> Eve said, "I think we both have something to crab about."
I thought that they were done in by a snake, not a crab.
Smitten: Snake glove.
Smutt: Snake dog.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Dr Tormento <re...@togroup.com> wrote in message
> news:Xns94734ADA6D0...@199.184.165.239...
> > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote in
> > news:40092110$0$4047$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au:
> >
> > >
> > > "J. A. Mc." <jaS...@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> > > news:o33h009d0nue10flq...@4ax.com...
> > >> On 16 Jan 2004 12:59:22 -0800, art...@yahoo.com (artyw) found these
> > > unused
> > >> words floating about:
> > >>
> > >> >One of my students says that he is from the United Arab Emirates, but
> > >> >I think it is a Dubaious claim.
> > >> Would that be in Aden a good grade?
>
> Yup. You could sell plants grown in Gan Aden!
> > >
> > > Yemen play much gulf?
> >
> > Sure, if we bowl we throw Qatar balls.
>
> I knew someone who had Qatar once. He coughed his guts up!
Kabul: Afghan male cows.
Tim Bruening
Michael Balarama wrote:
> Was sent this:
>
> Noted Doughboy Dies
>
> Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe
> yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh
> was an avid gardener and tennis player.
>
> Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
> years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
> the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
> Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
>
> The graveside was piled high with flower as longtime friend, Aunt
> Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never
> knew how much he was kneaded."
>
> Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
> with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
> wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who
> buttered him up.
>
> Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He
> enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at
> him.
>
> Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
> another bun in the oven.
>
> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
May he Rise In Peace, and his wife avoid yeast infections.
Are his kids strong Hy-breads?
Tim Bruening
Parcel: Very small golfer.
Parcel: To sell a golf course.
Parnell: Musical golf course.
Parting: Another musical golf course.
Tucker: Dog in Robin Hood's band.
nemo
Dead Wringer: A mangled mangle.
nemo
>
> nemo wrote:
>
> > Dead rodent: Mouseover.
>
> Dead sheep: No more RAM.
>
Result of his death: No Mortitians.
nemo
nemo
nemo
exclusive who wear German spectacles..
nemo
Great big behind that helped win the war: Colossarse!
http://www.codesandciphers.org.uk/
nemo
Nosh shit!!!!!!!!!!!
nemo
Does it play Handel's Lago?
nemo
Related to Trumpetrumpet the sheep?
Poppadom: Someone's father who can't speak. Or at least no-one's urid 'im
yet.
__ __
black sheep,
F-U-N-E wool?
nemo
Yes, but nobody knows Wyoming pigeons always fly the right way!
nemo
Corn pad: Where a nasty warty thing on your foot lives.
nemo
Yeah. Wear it when dancing. It'll help yer keep instep!
nemo
Banker: No dogs allowed.
nemo
When they travel, do they keep their food in a woodchuck wagon?
nemo
Eco lie: Dubbaya saying Global Warming has been exaggerated.
nemo
Smear: An insignificant snake.
nemo
Herat home wants to know: Do they build Kondoz in Kabul?
Towraghondi: A UK slang contemptible and worthless person on a Japanese
motorbike.
nemo
Yeah. They're F1 Hy-breads, so they have to breed from cuttings!
Tim Bruening
Okay: Donut island.
Olden: Elderly room.
Oldster: Spinning old person.
Tim Bruening
Oxide: Skin of a draft animal.
Ozone: Donut region.
Parlance: Knight weapon playing golf.
Tim Bruening
Mos wrote:
> Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> > On Sun, 13 Jun 2004 15:25:52 -0600, "Mos" <Not@YourHouse> wrote:
> >
> >>>>>>>>>>>>> You come from Poland? Did you ever meet Lech Walesa?
> >>>>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>>> We toiled in the Gdansk shipyards together.
> >>>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>> LOL !!
> >>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>> Larry's Krak-ow make you laugh?
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> It looks like you War-sawing logs all week again.
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> Saw a big Asian ox-like thing dancing in Poland once.
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> It was doing the KrakowyYak!
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> I missed that! My dad had me doing chores and I was Chopin wood
> >>>>>>> that day.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> Hope it was never more than you could Handel.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Would you get off my Bach?
> >>>>
> >>>> No. I like to Mendelssohn other people's business.
> >>>
> >>> You'd better stop or I'm going to kick you with my Schumann.
> >>
> >> You're always Debussy one kicking arse.
> >
> > I hope it didn't give you a Scar, latti.
>
> ...heh.....if you did, we can call it Moz-art.
Wolf Gang Mows Art.
Tim Bruening
Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> On Sun, 9 May 2004 23:40:13 -0400, "Greg Evans"
> <gregIGN...@charter.BLATHER.net> wrote:
>
> >Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> >
> >> Have you ever tried to say no to the Department of Defense?
> >
> >I find it's much easier to deal with the Department of Degate instead.
>
> In your case, yes. I've heard that you have often been given Degate.
How about the Department of Labor?
Labor Day: A day to make love to a ferel male pig.
Labor Day: A day to give birth.
Tim Bruening
Abbot: Religious robot.
Boldface: Brave front of a head.
Cobalt: Co-op in the Baltics.
Contamination: Polluted country.
Jabot: Robot that stabs.
Tim Bruening
9/30 Puns
Date:
Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:19:33 -0700
From:
Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
Newsgroups:
alt.humor.puns, alt.puns, alt.humor, rec.humor, mn.humor,
alt.callahans, aus.jokes
References:
1
Nathaniel Lind wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:415D03EA...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Breaking: King of dancing by spinning on the ground.
> >
> > Braking: King of stopping.
>
> Parking: does really well on the golf course!
Barking: Canine king.
Barking: Prison king.
Barking: Alcohol king.
Barking: Lawyer king.
Tim Bruening
> On Sun, 18 Jul 2004 13:41:08 +0930
> "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote:
>
> > "Cybe R. Wizard" <Cybe_R_Wizard@WizardsTower> wrote in message
> > news:20040717215140.2a215eba@WizardsTower
> > > On Sun, 18 Jul 2004 11:31:22 +0930
> > > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote:
> > >
> > >> "J. A. Mc." <jaS...@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> > >> news:10eif0d795i0tttg9...@4ax.com
> > >>> On 17 Jul 2004 12:38:44 GMT, Hauke Reddmann
> > ><fc3...@uni-hamburg.de>>> found these unused words floating
about:
> > >>>
> > >>>> Didn't like Puss'N'Boots. He acted like a heel.
> > >>>> (But what do you expect from a cad.)
> > >>> Stick 'em in a cel ! Dis ney'ds no background.
> > >>
> > >> Well, if the dream works for you! (not that I'm a green with
you,
> > >or> anything)
> > >>
> > > I'd love to know what you are talking about but don't know where
the
> > > Pixar.
> >
> > I can draw my own conclusions from this post - I'm being framed!!!
> >
> You said that as if it matted.
Transmat: A floor covering that teleports people.
Framing: Chinese vase that makes false accusations.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:40C62AA8...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Cliff Gieseke <clif...@swbell.net> wrote in message
> > > news:mTQwc.4607$bg6....@newssvr23.news.prodigy.com...
> > > > Infantry -- baby tree
> > > >
> > > > Geometry -- the tree they used to build the pyramids
> > > >
> > > > Poultry -- the tree that has or had feathers
> > > >
> > > >
> > > Infantry - Baby soldiers.
> > >
> > > Adultry - What they get up to when they've grown up.
> > >
> > > Mechanised Light Infantry: Robot baby soldiers.
> >
> > I hope they don't suffer a Major Defeat, or General Disorder.
> >
> Or receive Corporal Punishment to the Private Parts!
Sergeant Pepper is nothing to be sneezed at.
Drill Sergeant: Officer in the tool army.
Tim Bruening
Ann Nex: Woman who seeks to conquer.
Asking: King of backsides.
Awaking: King of Travel Agents.
Banking: Explosives expert.
Biking: A gay monarch.
Tim Bruening
Hyping: Bell up above.
Hyping: Exaggerated bell.
Averting: Bell that prevents trouble, or one green bell.
Tim Bruening
Alligator: One who makes allegations.
Allocate: To find Al Gore.
Goring: Ring worn by Al.
Mitigate: Portal glove.
Mitigator: Alligator glove.
Litigate: A portal to a courtroom.
Litigator: Alligator in court, or an alligator suit.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189B2E8...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > "Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:
> >
> > > "Michael Balarama" <mba...@ev1.net> wrote in message
> > > news:10ktmib...@corp.supernews.com...
> > > > at church two people from the electric company sat next to me..was a
> > > > shocking experience...nearly blew a fuse.
> > >
> > > I presume that they volted as soon as the service was over and went ohm.
> >
> > Re-Volt!
>
> Electrician called Stanislav: Pole Volt.
Pole Volt: Electric Santa Claus.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189C800...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:41858BF8...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Exporting: Bells sents overseas.
> > > >
> > > > Importing: Bells brought into this country.
> > > >
> > > > Porting: A bell with little money.
> > > >
> > > > Porting: Opposite of Starboarding.
> > > >
> > > > Porting: To bring the bells to port.
> > > >
> > > > Reporting: To bring the bells to port again.
> > >
> > > <oyster alert!>
> > > Katsn dogs: Poor canines.
> >
> > Why do you want to alert shelled sea life?
> >
> Oyster: English - mollusc; Hebrew - treasure, and hence my interpretation -
> someone accustomed to saying 'Oy' every so often.
>
> Katsn: Hebrew - beggar, hence poor canines.
>
> You should have got all that from the context.
Context: Letters writting by prisoners.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189AF28...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:41870AE5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > news:4039B5AF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > > Holo: A popular prostitute position.:)
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Hologram: A picture of same.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Hologram: Message from a low prostitute.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Hologram: Lighter than a Holopound.
> > > > >
> > > > > Holocopter: Rotary-wing aircraft with no-one inside.
> > > > >
> > > > > Holon a minute! There's no need to gush, Dan!!
> > > >
> > > > Boinking: King of sex.
> > > >
> > > > Conking: King of falling asleep.
> > > >
> > > > No Bell Prize: Awarded to a school whose bell didn't ring.
> > >
> > > Hologram: Same as a telegram, except it's read to you over the phone
> with
> > > lots of reverberation and echo.
> > >
> > > Conker: Someone agreeing about a chestnut.
> >
> > Conker: Against dogs.
> >
> I'll let that one Rotweiller nother pun forms in my mind!
Curtest: Dog exam.
Curvet: Dog in the army.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:418D44CD...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:4189AF4E...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > news:41870B1C...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > >
> > > > > > So then, Larry Krzewinski turns to the guy and says:
> > > > > > >>>
> > > > > > >>>>>>>>>You mean 20 years old with hair and without Doreen? No
> can
> > > do.
> > > > > > >>>>>>>>Doreen has hair. It's just not obvious with all the
> curlers.
> > > > > > >>>>>>>For your sake I hope that you're talking about the hair on
> her
> > > > > head!
> > > > > > >>>>>>Of course! Now, the curler iron, well that's a different
> story.
> > > > > > >>>>>>I'll never let myself run out of Viagra again!
> > > > > > >>>>>Weren't you even a little curious when Doreen asked for that
> > > > > vibrating
> > > > > > >>>>>curling iron for Christmas?
> > > > > > >>>>She told me it would improve her head.
> > > > > > >>>Orally?
> > > > > > >>O'Really!
> > > > > > >>(Her roommate Aura Lee was Irish)
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >See, my post was supposed to taken as ambiguously as possible. I
> > > > > > >guess that you can't win 'em all.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Posting: After the bell.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Posting: Mailed bell.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Posting: Bell on the Internet.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Watcher: Knight of security.
> > > > >
> > > > > Cross-post: Angry poison-pen letters.
> > > >
> > > > Piston: 2,000 pounds of urine.
> > > >
> > > Car Biretta: Worn by a priest when he's driving.
> >
> > Carbon: Automotive pastry.
> >
> Dog clutch: Grip used by a canine catcher.
>
> (It's what the old fashioned starting handle fitted into.)
>
> Starting Handel: "Haaaaaaaaaleluya! Haaaaaaaaaleluya! . . . . ."
Handel: A Chinese computer.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:418D4555...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:4189AF28...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > news:41870AE5...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > > >
> > > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > > news:4039B5AF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > > > > > Holo: A popular prostitute position.:)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Hologram: A picture of same.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Hologram: Message from a low prostitute.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Hologram: Lighter than a Holopound.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Holocopter: Rotary-wing aircraft with no-one inside.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Holon a minute! There's no need to gush, Dan!!
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Boinking: King of sex.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Conking: King of falling asleep.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > No Bell Prize: Awarded to a school whose bell didn't ring.
> > > > >
> > > > > Hologram: Same as a telegram, except it's read to you over the phone
> > > with
> > > > > lots of reverberation and echo.
> > > > >
> > > > > Conker: Someone agreeing about a chestnut.
> > > >
> > > > Conker: Against dogs.
> > > >
> > > I'll let that one Rotweiller nother pun forms in my mind!
> >
> > Curtest: Dog exam.
> >
> > Curvet: Dog in the army.
> >
> The Navy! It was a highly maneuverable escort warship; smaller than a
> destroyer and crewed by dogs.
Nay V: Vampire that says no.
Neigh V: Vampire horse.
Tim Bruening
David Reihmer wrote:
> In article <PPqdnZpOhPN...@wideopenwest.com>,
> "Harry Farkas" <hfa...@wowway.com> wrote:
>
> > I offered to make my wife some jewelry made of congealed cow cream, but she
> > said I was just buttering her up.
> > --
> > Harry Farkas
> > ******************
> >
> Never a curd to me . . .
> --
Go A-Whey!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189B8DA...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > On the news today - everyone will have one in ten years' time.
> > >
> > > Sabrina fans started whaling and gnashing their teeth and throwing
> > > themselves off buildings and under buses because they mis-heard.
> > >
> > > They thought they were going to be Hide-dem-titty Cards!!!
> >
> > Identity: Tea that makes you reveal your true name.
>
> Identity: A woman with tall teeth and large breasts.
Anonymity: Tea that hides your name.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4189B9FE...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> >
> > > On Tue, 4 May 2004 18:44:21 -0700, "Jenni Saqua" <mar...@awol.com>
> found
> > > these unused words floating about:
> > >
> > > >"J. A. Mc." wrote ...
> > > >> On 04 May Dr Tormento originally found these
> > > >> unused words floating about:
> > > >>
> > > >> >Today is National Star Wars Day.
> > > >> >
> > > >> >May the 4th be with you!
> > > >>
> > > >> Oh be wanken Obie!
> > > >>
> > > >Hey, he did a good jabba that one...bet ya had to chewbacca bunch of
> retorts
> > > >to hit that one.
> > > >
> > > Be Leah or not, I agree - it hutt the mark.
> >
> > Send in the Clones!
>
> Scientists have just found a way of cloning people so that they have no
> sense of humour and no craving for alcohol - hence the new words to an old
> song: "Dem clones, dem clones, dem dry clones . . ."
Dem clones: Same old liberal candidates.
Tim Bruening
Admission: Religious advertising.
Admit: Put on a glove.
Commit: Here glove, here glovy glovy glovy!
Commission: A church on the Internet.
Glovy: Vampire glove.
Mitten: The 10th glove.
Remit: Put on the glove again.
Remission: To send out the preachers again.
Submit: A very wet glove.
Submission: A church under water.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:3FD033DF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Forecast: 4 actors.
> >
> > Outcast: Gay actor who has left the closet.
> >
> > Overcast: Cloudy actors.
> >
> Telecast: Greek actors a long way away.
Comcast: Computerized actors.
Steelcast: Robot actors such as The Terminator.
Tim Bruening
Borders: Doors for wild pigs to go through.
Circumspect: What a Knight Inspector does.
Confundis Charm: A spell for laundering money.
Draco: Fire breathing reptilian company.
Harry Potter: Bearded maker of ceramic containers.
Hufflepuff: What the wolf did to blow down the pigs' houses.
Quidditch: 5 ditches.
Please don't Snape at me, or throw me for a Lupin.
Tim Bruening
Admit: A mathematician's glove.
Emit: A computer's glove.
Helmet: Satan's glove.
Hermit: A lady's glove, sitting all alone.
Mitten: Glove of Generation X.
Ramble: Male cross between a sheep and a cow.
Remit: A glove that flies back on your hand the moment you take it off.
Submit: Neptune's glove.
Summit: Another mathematician's glove.
Tim Bruening
Miss Sing: A lost singer.
Miss Spell: A fumbling witch.
Miss Take: A bumbling actress.
Miss Understand: A stumbling psychologist.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41ECB121...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Allowing: A permissive bird.
> >
> > Blowing: A windy bird.
> >
> > Growing: Very big wings.
> >
> > Harrowing: Risk taking bird.
> >
> > Rowing: Bird in a small boat propelled by oars.
> >
> > Slowing: Bird that doesn't move very fast.
> >
> > Throwing: Bird from the big leagues.
> >
> Throwt: Flying gizzard!
Wowing: An amazing bird.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:422FF854...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Asking: King of the donkeys.
> >
> > Barking: King of the dogs.
> >
> > Blowing: Windy bird.
> >
> > Boreal: Movie about a wild pig.
> >
> > Boring: Musical wild pig.
>
> Booring: A crude, uncouth, ill-bred musical wild pig lacking culture or
> refinement.
Refine: To give the motorist another ticket.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:422FFC80...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Kathy wrote:
> >
> > > "Buffalo Chilkat" <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
> > > news:3ggorvsdr7n6uuh45...@4ax.com...
> > > > Kathy wrote:
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > >"nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> > > > >news:MCPub.27404$qu....@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > > > >>
> > > > >> fredm...@the.PC ?Z <FRE...@webtv.net> wrote in message
> > > > >> news:1660-3FB...@storefull-2375.public.lawson.webtv.net...
> > > > >> > ne...@naughtylass2.wet (nemo) wrote :
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Old MacDonald was dyslexic - E O I O E
> > > > >> > (Billy Colony)
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Silly burger!
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Nemo
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > Silly AND stale old burger. You want flies with that ?
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> Don't tell me they've started doing Eccles Cake Burgers!
> > > > >>
> > > > >Nah, they merely signed the Maggot à laCarta.
> > > >
> > > > That was a real quiller.
> > > >
> > > 'Twas a scroll in the park.
> >
> > Scroll Ling: Ancient Chinese document.
> >
> Dead C Scrolls: Found in a piano with a particular damper stuck on.
Damper: Price of a water barrier.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4018946C...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Concave: Against spelunking.
>
> Meniscus: Emmanuel's favourite swear-word.
> >
> > Content: Against camping.
>
> Confusion: Hates energy from the Sun.
> >
> > Contrail: Against hiking.
> >
> > Contour: Against French bicycle races.
>
> Contempt: Against prick-teasers.
Comtemp: Against substitute workers.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:3FBA6237...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > Tim Bruening wrote:
> >
> > > Backing: The king behind.
> > >
> > > Behind: Deer-Bee crossbreed.
> >
> > Abby: Religious bee that writes advice columns.
> >
> Abbot: The arse of the religious bee that writes advice columns.
Abbot: Religious robot that writes advice columns.
Miser: A Knight named Scrooge.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:3FD033DF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Forecast: 4 actors.
> >
> > Outcast: Gay actor who has left the closet.
> >
> > Overcast: Cloudy actors.
> >
> Telecast: Greek actors a long way away.
Comcast: Computerized actors.
Steelcast: Robot actors such as The Terminator.
Hylander: A landing craft high on drugs.
nemo
> Oinking: Pig king.
>
> Okay: Donut island.
>
> Olden: Elderly room.
>
> Oldster: Spinning old person.
Oldsmobile: Pensioner on roller-skates who gets held to E-Ransom.
(subtle, that last bit!)
nemo
> Opal: Friend of the letter O.
>
> Oxide: Skin of a draft animal.
>
> Ozone: Donut region.
>
> Parlance: Knight weapon playing golf.
Palance: Knight weapon with ugly big cheekbones and slitty eyes playing
golf.
nemo
>
>
> Mos wrote:
>
> > Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> > > On Sun, 13 Jun 2004 15:25:52 -0600, "Mos" <Not@YourHouse> wrote:
> > >
> > >>>>>>>>>>>>> You come from Poland? Did you ever meet Lech Walesa?
> > >>>>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>>> We toiled in the Gdansk shipyards together.
> > >>>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>>> LOL !!
> > >>>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>>> Larry's Krak-ow make you laugh?
> > >>>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>>> It looks like you War-sawing logs all week again.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> Saw a big Asian ox-like thing dancing in Poland once.
> > >>>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>>> It was doing the KrakowyYak!
> > >>>>>>>
> > >>>>>>> I missed that! My dad had me doing chores and I was Chopin wood
> > >>>>>>> that day.
> > >>>>>>
> > >>>>>> Hope it was never more than you could Handel.
> > >>>>>
> > >>>>> Would you get off my Bach?
> > >>>>
> > >>>> No. I like to Mendelssohn other people's business.
> > >>>
> > >>> You'd better stop or I'm going to kick you with my Schumann.
> > >>
> > >> You're always Debussy one kicking arse.
> > >
> > > I hope it didn't give you a Scar, latti.
> >
> > ...heh.....if you did, we can call it Moz-art.
>
> Wolf Gang Mows Art.
Right! Ewe arsed 4 it . . .
I got everything from Aaron Copeland (Keep your 'air on, Copeland!) to Kurt
Weill whose music isn't.
Apart from a sideboard full of 78s, Vinyl, cassettes etc., there's about
40ft shelf length of CDs - AND a bloody good security system to go with
them! ;o) When I think of the cost I do start to feel a bit CD myself!
Even got that composer named after a notorious UK gangster landlord from the
60s and a shot in billiards: Rackman - in-off! There's Mend-all-socks of
course, with his Banana Symphony: Banana, banana - peeeaches and cream . . .
That one! (The Italian)
Got some Joe Green as well - Giuseppi Verdi. Claud Green-Mountain - Claudio
Monteverdi, the first real opera composer - yes folks! It's all his fault!
(No relation to the famous Lion Tamer - Claud Bottom) Then there's the
composer named after small dogs - Pooch ini!
And there's Purcell, the composer named after a (UK) washing powder. Handel,
made famous by the wind-up gramophone!
And The Master! J.S. Bach.
Him you respect. I can't take the mickey out of him. And the French composer
who had a noisy dog that would Offenbach!
Oh yes. And Domenico Scatlatti, whose music predicted the invention of the
sewing machine! I've got all 514 of his sonatas on a 34 disc set by Scott
Ross. What a feat! Or was it "feet" - no, he played with his hands like
everybody else.
Then there's the composer who's got a number of thoroughly disreputable
Newsgroups dedicated to him - Suk! And the TV Engineer, Telemann, and the
spice merchant, Vivaldi - with his Four Seasonings!
There's Mahler of course. Classical Klezmer! And at the back there I can see
Scott Joplin. Stop it - you'll go blind I tell you!!
Lots of have a lot of Shostakovich - that's why he's always scratching his
Shostakov! Bartok did make a good musical pun out of part of his Leningrad
Symphony!
From anudder message: Mooooooooooooooo!
Musical motoring . .
Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:3B5FA57D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> Cartoon: A musical automobile
>
Khartoum: a town where such vehicles were blown to pieces in WW1, for
playing present-day rock music via a time-warp.
Couldn't get the car going coz he'd lost the starting Handel!
Music played in such vehicles: Bizet's Car-men, conducted by Von Car-ian! A
very Bizet conductor indeed! (Not no more. He's died since!)
Vehicle got stolen in Spain while playing stuff by Car-loss Seixtas.
Driver distracted by etherial English music about a metallic ruined castle,
Tin Tagel, and Bax car straight into a wall. Car-tastrophe.
(Amazing what I can come up with looking up and down my 40 odd feet of CDs!
[showing off])
Drove the car off a long jetty white listening to Pier Gynt.
Charles Hubert H. had to Parry blows when the car got attacked by fascists
while listening to music by the Austin Klezmorim!
Had a guard-dog in the car that would Offenbach.
"I had to use de car, because I had missed de bus, see?"
Vehicle got mistaken for a sewing machine while playing sonatas by
S-car-latti!
Car could be powered electrically by Soler panels!
While listening to Diletti Pastorali, the driver polished up the paintwork
to a very nice Schein.
The car ran over the feet of members of the Ensemble Clement Janequin, the
result being Les Cris de Paris!
Enough, already?
------------------------------------------------------------------3
I get Weill out of breath doing composer puns from Walton up and down my
40-odd feet of CD shelves (showing off yet again) looking for inspiration!
Your Barber, Eh? (A) 440Hz?
You should have hit him and said - "Gluck here. I'll Bruckner more crap from
you! You better lay off that Heinichen or you'll have to Bloch another Blow.
And get some regular staff, not these Borodin ones! Now - Arne you going to
cut my hair? Get Bizet and start Chopin. I want a short Bax and sides. And
don't Frobergers about - you're not in MuckDonald's now! - Soler!" - you
might say, Parrying one as it flew through the Air.
"OK. Verdi dat one go," he might say. Then: "Gordon Bennett, It's gone down
the plug hole! Scheidt! I'll have to Schien a torch down and try to Suk it
out. Wait till I Tallis to the Blochs down the pub. They'll say, 'Couldn't
you Steffani more down there then?' "
And unconnected with this die a log:
Look! At the back there I can see Scott Joplin. STOP IT YOU'LL GO DEAF!!!
And with that, or was it with this? No. This one's the cleaner's . . . he
Bax his Soler-powered car out of the garage and Schutz the door, then hits a
Holst of other vehicles including De No.11 Bussy! - and you'll see him
Rameau ver and over again one particular car belonging to the Telemann who
still hasn't fixed his set. Next time he sees him he's going to give him a
Smetana mouth! Then he runs over several small Italian dogs, Puccini, and a
Bassett Horn, and to keppel it all his nice knitted Tallis starts to
un-Ravel. His neighbout starts to tell him off and he says, "Awl wright!
Keep your Aaron, Copland!"
There's a Charpentier who's sawing a piece of wood so rythmically you can
see it Lully-m to sleep, and he collides with him as well. (Owzat? Master
and pupil in one sentence. Ten years penile servitude. Yup! They're sending
him to a women's prison!) and he finally crashes the car into a nearby
Soler-ium!
Now. Who have I left out???
The composer named after a violently corrupt British landlord from the 60s
and a shot in Billiards - Rackman In-off.
The composer who wrote music for the mechanical gramophone - Handel.
There's D. Scarlatti, who we're supposed to believe was locked up in a
castle with a princess for years and all he could do was write 514 sonatas
for the harpsichord. Actually, he wrote them to celebrate the invention of
the sewing machine. At least that's how they sound! (You think they're
crap?? Try playing a few! Phew! talk about diarrhoea of the fingers . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .OK. You
can stop talking about it now!))
And finally, there's the spice-merchant Vivaldi with his famous Four
Seasonings!
Oh, yes. And there's Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Boom - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Boom - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - (Change one note)
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Bong - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - (Change another note) Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Bong - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Tinkle - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass -
Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Tinkle - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip
Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Glass - Philip Gla . . . . . . . . .
Aaaaarrgh! It's stopped! The shock!!
And the marathon of all composer puns: an Italian composer, not very good in
my oppinion, who was on the Dole and collected his benefit cheques
regularly, who kept sheep on the side, liked to paint murals into wet
plaster and had not a hair on his head. Wait for it . . . .
Girolamo Frescobaldi, or Giro Lambo Fresco Baldy!
----------------------------------------------------------------4
Girolamo Frescobaldi, or Giro Lambo Fresco Baldy!
Frankly, I'm just amazed at this Lizt of composers.
I'll take that as a cry of "Encore!" (What a kerb-crawler does when he sees
one: honk whore.)
You're right. Daza Fore long Liszt indeed, but that's only Part of it! If
you love classical music as much as I do, learning about it is no trouble,
although long Liszts can make some people un Conforti ble.
For instance, Sousa Niggli little Weiner! She Torelli off a strip for a
similar Liszt, Harvey the size of this one. Gounod what happened next? She
nearly Brecht her neck! (OK Brecht was a poet. Weill - so what?.) Then she
threw her first course at her and made her all Suppe! I reminded her she
needed to Feunllana and she told her (small bird on a branch) all a bough
tit!
I like old thyme music as well. Bye bye Black Byrd ain't a bad tune,
especially when sung by that tiny actress, Pisadora, who ended up Sanz wig
in one of the Naked Gun films. It did Cima nod thing to happen. She must
have felt a right Poulenc-er!
Anyway, Meyerbeer quench your thirst and may your taste in music become
Vidor and a collection of MP3 files soon take a Gigout of your Hard Drive.
Oh yes. Did you hear about the composer who was franchised by the UK's major
satellite TV company to run a mobile vegetarian cafe? Vejvanofsky?
And what about Kachaturian? I tried to Kachaturian once but it was too quick
for me. My foot swole up and made my left Schubiger. I had to Senfl the
doctor!
And there's also a very gay composer who used to row people across a
Nigerian river. They used to say, "You gotta wear metal underpants when you
take the Battiferri!" When the boat got stuck he'd often say, "These layers
of Mudarra damned nuisance!"
There was also a composer who lived on nothing but bread and water -
Paniagua. He kept primates as pets and used to Locke his Gibbons up in a
small shed in Murcia, until an RSPCA Inspector who found them in a Desprez
condition said in it was Harvey fair, and he's have to Finzi Gibbons a much
larger enclosure.
. . . . . . Phew!
Instruments and performers:
Banjo in a roadhouse: Inn Strum Ment.
OK. You're Serpent you want to do instrument puns? Are you Shawm? Regally
Shawm? Ah, well. I'll throw in a few performers too (Whee - splatt! - Ouch!)
and try and make this a Flutefull experiance then.
There was a drummer who liked a bit on the side, and when his wife found out
all he did was snare, so she kicked him in the Nakers and hit him on Top the
head. I think his name was Tim Pani as well. He was half punster and half
Indian, and a bit wet. He'd often Organ-ise ancient music concerts where
everyone would make a fearful Racket! (Yes folks! Phil Ology speaking.
That's where the expression comes from!) ("You got an Ology - you're a
scientist. . . . " - "GET that woman out of here! Tell her to bite her lip,
man! Her contract with BT ended years ago!!")
Mr. Baker would play his Crumhorn, and his wife, who really needed to have
her cellulite seen to, used to play the Sagbutt! And needless to say, Julian
Clarey would play the fagot while playing the Faggott and would repeatedly
wind up a Spanish musician by saying, "Hello, Vihuela!" in a provocative
manner. This Spanish chap, Manuel, was quite a good guitar player - he
didn't play by ear, he used to play manuelly - and afterwards down the pub,
(they went there every Evelyn for a Tubb of ale) they'd often end up
singing, "For he's de jolly good Falla!" The rest of the time they'd just
Chitarrone and talk. Oh yes. And they had *just one Cornetto* player, Bruce
Dickey. He was quite popular with Mr. Clarey as well, although he liked
Martin Best! And sometimes Kym Amps would sing. They'd get quite a charge
out of that!
(I went to a concert of hers at St. Brides Fleet Street once. It was such a
small place I ended up with Kym Amps sitting next to me in the pews in her
posh frock during the harpsichord solo bits. I'll never forget it. What a
stunner! Viagra definitely not required!)
Anyway, (Phew! Mops brow and puts imagination into neutral) not many people
came to these concerts (not the St. Brides ones - the ficticious ones!) so
they never made much Lute, and often the proceedings were thoroughly spoiled
by the frogs outside continually going, "Rebec! Rebec!" The frogs made such
an indescant noise that somebody brought a Recorder in to capture the sound,
and a biologist took some saliva samples from them in a Mikala Petri dish.
(And she is - quite a dish! And if you think the recorder's a toy, hear her
play!)
None of them were in the Musicians' Union so you'd often see Philip Pickett
outside with his friend Trevor, who was a bit of a Pinnock! - and if they
got bored they used to pass the time by running through the dead Andrew
Parrott sketch!
And I'd much rather listen to Mediaeval music than what passes for pop music
nowadays - Evil music!
Soler!
Nemo
Not for nothing the NUmbo One Punster!
For £2500 actually!
Who's da man?? Who's da man??
nemo
>
>
> Larry Krzewinski wrote:
>
> > On Sun, 9 May 2004 23:40:13 -0400, "Greg Evans"
> > <gregIGN...@charter.BLATHER.net> wrote:
> >
> > >Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> > >
> > >> Have you ever tried to say no to the Department of Defense?
> > >
> > >I find it's much easier to deal with the Department of Degate instead.
> >
> > In your case, yes. I've heard that you have often been given Degate.
>
> How about the Department of Labor?
>
> Labor Day: A day to make love to a ferel male pig.
>
> Labor Day: A day to give birth.
Why do Merkins leave their Us out? In cold weather if they've been shawn,
they'll be standing there shivering and catch cold!
nemo
>
> Abbot: Religious robot.
>
> Boldface: Brave front of a head.
>
> Cobalt: Co-op in the Baltics.
>
> Contamination: Polluted country.
>
> Jabot: Robot that stabs.
Gangster who was extreeeeemely good at making separate ones: Scarf Ace
nemo
> Subject:
> 9/30 Puns
> Date:
> Fri, 30 Sep 2005 21:19:33 -0700
> From:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
> Newsgroups:
> alt.humor.puns, alt.puns, alt.humor, rec.humor, mn.humor,
> alt.callahans, aus.jokes
> References:
> 1
>
I got a header-ache from readin that!
>
> Nathaniel Lind wrote:
>
> > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > news:415D03EA...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > Breaking: King of dancing by spinning on the ground.
> > >
> > > Braking: King of stopping.
> >
> > Parking: does really well on the golf course!
>
> Barking: Canine king.
>
> Barking: Prison king.
>
> Barking: Alcohol king.
>
> Barking: Lawyer king.
He got savaged by Anal Satian and got a torn knee!
Barrister: Rotating lawyer.
nemo
> "Cybe R. Wizard" wrote:
>
> > On Sun, 18 Jul 2004 13:41:08 +0930
> > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote:
> >
> > > "Cybe R. Wizard" <Cybe_R_Wizard@WizardsTower> wrote in message
> > > news:20040717215140.2a215eba@WizardsTower
> > > > On Sun, 18 Jul 2004 11:31:22 +0930
> > > > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote:
> > > >
> > > >> "J. A. Mc." <jaS...@gbr.online.com> wrote in message
> > > >> news:10eif0d795i0tttg9...@4ax.com
> > > >>> On 17 Jul 2004 12:38:44 GMT, Hauke Reddmann
> > > ><fc3...@uni-hamburg.de>>> found these unused words floating
> about:
> > > >>>
> > > >>>> Didn't like Puss'N'Boots. He acted like a heel.
> > > >>>> (But what do you expect from a cad.)
> > > >>> Stick 'em in a cel ! Dis ney'ds no background.
> > > >>
> > > >> Well, if the dream works for you! (not that I'm a green with
> you,
> > > >or> anything)
> > > >>
> > > > I'd love to know what you are talking about but don't know where
> the
> > > > Pixar.
> > >
> > > I can draw my own conclusions from this post - I'm being framed!!!
> > >
> > You said that as if it matted.
>
> Transmat: A floor covering that teleports people.
>
> Framing: Chinese vase that makes false accusations.
"You've put far too much stuff in that poke!!" - Full sack usation.
High mon 4m the smorning!
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > nemo wrote:
> > >
> > > > Cliff Gieseke <clif...@swbell.net> wrote in message
> > > > news:mTQwc.4607$bg6....@newssvr23.news.prodigy.com...
> > > > > Infantry -- baby tree
> > > > >
> > > > > Geometry -- the tree they used to build the pyramids
> > > > >
> > > > > Poultry -- the tree that has or had feathers
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > Infantry - Baby soldiers.
> > > >
> > > > Adultry - What they get up to when they've grown up.
> > > >
> > > > Mechanised Light Infantry: Robot baby soldiers.
> > >
> > > I hope they don't suffer a Major Defeat, or General Disorder.
> > >
> > Or receive Corporal Punishment to the Private Parts!
>
> Sergeant Pepper is nothing to be sneezed at.
>
> Drill Sergeant: Officer in the tool army.
Security system that detects thieves' willies: Burglar Toolarm!
nemo
>
> Ann Nex: Woman who seeks to conquer.
>
> Asking: King of backsides.
>
> Awaking: King of Travel Agents.
>
> Banking: Explosives expert.
>
> Biking: A gay monarch.
He went cycling in the nude on a very sunny day once and tandem!
nemo
>
> Hyping: Bell up above.
>
> Hyping: Exaggerated bell.
>
> Averting: Bell that prevents trouble, or one green bell.
South American ringing country: Bellivia.
nemo
>
> Alligator: One who makes allegations.
>
> Allocate: To find Al Gore.
>
> Goring: Ring worn by Al.
>
> Mitigate: Portal glove.
>
> Mitigator: Alligator glove.
>
> Litigate: A portal to a courtroom.
>
> Litigator: Alligator in court, or an alligator suit.
Litigator: One of a pair of leggings for wading through the three feet of
scrap paper and other rubbish in the streets of a town inhabited by
extremely dirty people.
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > "Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:
> > >
> > > > "Michael Balarama" <mba...@ev1.net> wrote in message
> > > > news:10ktmib...@corp.supernews.com...
> > > > > at church two people from the electric company sat next to me..was
a
> > > > > shocking experience...nearly blew a fuse.
> > > >
> > > > I presume that they volted as soon as the service was over and went
ohm.
> > >
> > > Re-Volt!
> >
> > Electrician called Stanislav: Pole Volt.
>
> Pole Volt: Electric Santa Claus.
Ho! Ho! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzznnnmmmmmmmmm!!! Owwwwwwwwwwww!
He's short-circuited himself!
nemo
> > > > > Exporting: Bells sents overseas.
> > > > >
> > > > > Importing: Bells brought into this country.
> > > > >
> > > > > Porting: A bell with little money.
> > > > >
> > > > > Porting: Opposite of Starboarding.
> > > > >
> > > > > Porting: To bring the bells to port.
> > > > >
> > > > > Reporting: To bring the bells to port again.
> > > >
> > > > <oyster alert!>
> > > > Katsn dogs: Poor canines.
> > >
> > > Why do you want to alert shelled sea life?
> > >
> > Oyster: English - mollusc; Hebrew - treasure, and hence my
interpretation -
> > someone accustomed to saying 'Oy' every so often.
> >
> > Katsn: Hebrew - beggar, hence poor canines.
> >
> > You should have got all that from the context.
>
> Context: Letters writting by prisoners.
If London's main ladies' prison had been built in Stamford Hill, would it
have been called Holloyvay Prison?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2209213.stm
http://www.movethat.co.uk/London/My/Stamford_Hill/
nemo
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > > Holo: A popular prostitute position.:)
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Hologram: A picture of same.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Hologram: Message from a low prostitute.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Hologram: Lighter than a Holopound.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Holocopter: Rotary-wing aircraft with no-one inside.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Holon a minute! There's no need to gush, Dan!!
> > > > >
> > > > > Boinking: King of sex.
> > > > >
> > > > > Conking: King of falling asleep.
> > > > >
> > > > > No Bell Prize: Awarded to a school whose bell didn't ring.
> > > >
> > > > Hologram: Same as a telegram, except it's read to you over the phone
> > with
> > > > lots of reverberation and echo.
> > > >
> > > > Conker: Someone agreeing about a chestnut.
> > >
> > > Conker: Against dogs.
> > >
> > I'll let that one Rotweiller nother pun forms in my mind!
>
> Curtest: Dog exam.
>
> Curvet: Dog in the army.
Or an arc-shaped animal doctor.
nemo
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > So then, Larry Krzewinski turns to the guy and says:
> > > > > > > >>>
> > > > > > > >>>>>>>>>You mean 20 years old with hair and without Doreen?
No
> > can
> > > > do.
> > > > > > > >>>>>>>>Doreen has hair. It's just not obvious with all the
> > curlers.
> > > > > > > >>>>>>>For your sake I hope that you're talking about the hair
on
> > her
> > > > > > head!
> > > > > > > >>>>>>Of course! Now, the curler iron, well that's a different
> > story.
> > > > > > > >>>>>>I'll never let myself run out of Viagra again!
> > > > > > > >>>>>Weren't you even a little curious when Doreen asked for
that
> > > > > > vibrating
> > > > > > > >>>>>curling iron for Christmas?
> > > > > > > >>>>She told me it would improve her head.
> > > > > > > >>>Orally?
> > > > > > > >>O'Really!
> > > > > > > >>(Her roommate Aura Lee was Irish)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >See, my post was supposed to taken as ambiguously as
possible. I
> > > > > > > >guess that you can't win 'em all.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Posting: After the bell.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Posting: Mailed bell.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Posting: Bell on the Internet.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Watcher: Knight of security.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Cross-post: Angry poison-pen letters.
> > > > >
> > > > > Piston: 2,000 pounds of urine.
> > > > >
> > > > Car Biretta: Worn by a priest when he's driving.
> > >
> > > Carbon: Automotive pastry.
> > >
> > Dog clutch: Grip used by a canine catcher.
> >
> > (It's what the old fashioned starting handle fitted into.)
> >
> > Starting Handel: "Haaaaaaaaaleluya! Haaaaaaaaaleluya! . . . . ."
>
> Handel: A Chinese computer.
Did you know that Handel gave all the profits from The Messiah to the
Foundling Hospital in Coram's Fields? - and a lot more. Good bloke, he was.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/society_culture/society/foundling_06.shtml
Crankshaft: Bent willie!
nemo
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > nemo wrote:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > > > > > Holo: A popular prostitute position.:)
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > Hologram: A picture of same.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > Hologram: Message from a low prostitute.
> > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > Hologram: Lighter than a Holopound.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Holocopter: Rotary-wing aircraft with no-one inside.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > Holon a minute! There's no need to gush, Dan!!
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Boinking: King of sex.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Conking: King of falling asleep.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > No Bell Prize: Awarded to a school whose bell didn't ring.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Hologram: Same as a telegram, except it's read to you over the
phone
> > > > with
> > > > > > lots of reverberation and echo.
> > > > > >
> > > > > > Conker: Someone agreeing about a chestnut.
> > > > >
> > > > > Conker: Against dogs.
> > > > >
> > > > I'll let that one Rotweiller nother pun forms in my mind!
> > >
> > > Curtest: Dog exam.
> > >
> > > Curvet: Dog in the army.
> > >
> > destroyer and crewed by dogs.
Aha! The Dogs of War!
> Nay V: Vampire that says no.
>
> Neigh V: Vampire horse.
Prince Charles taking part in a flying circus: Royal Air Farce.
nemo
>
>
> David Reihmer wrote:
>
> > In article <PPqdnZpOhPN...@wideopenwest.com>,
> > "Harry Farkas" <hfa...@wowway.com> wrote:
> >
> > > I offered to make my wife some jewelry made of congealed cow cream,
but she
> > > said I was just buttering her up.
> > > --
> > > Harry Farkas
> > > ******************
> > >
> > Never a curd to me . . .
> > --
>
> Go A-Whey!
Little Miss Muff-fit
Had one very rough tit
Through eating too much curds and whey!
There then came a spider
Vibrated inside her
The climax thus making her day!
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > nemo wrote:
> > >
> > > > On the news today - everyone will have one in ten years' time.
> > > >
> > > > Sabrina fans started whaling and gnashing their teeth and throwing
> > > > themselves off buildings and under buses because they mis-heard.
> > > >
> > > > They thought they were going to be Hide-dem-titty Cards!!!
> > >
> > > Identity: Tea that makes you reveal your true name.
> >
> > Identity: A woman with tall teeth and large breasts.
>
> Anonymity: Tea that hides your name.
>
Anonymouse: Small rodent who's forgotten his name.
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> > >
> > > > On Tue, 4 May 2004 18:44:21 -0700, "Jenni Saqua" <mar...@awol.com>
> > found
> > > > these unused words floating about:
> > > >
> > > > >> On 04 May Dr Tormento originally found these
> > > > >> unused words floating about:
> > > > >>
> > > > >> >Today is National Star Wars Day.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >May the 4th be with you!
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Oh be wanken Obie!
> > > > >>
> > > > >Hey, he did a good jabba that one...bet ya had to chewbacca bunch
of
> > retorts
> > > > >to hit that one.
> > > > >
> > > > Be Leah or not, I agree - it hutt the mark.
> > >
> > > Send in the Clones!
> >
> > Scientists have just found a way of cloning people so that they have no
> > sense of humour and no craving for alcohol - hence the new words to an
old
> > song: "Dem clones, dem clones, dem dry clones . . ."
>
> Dem clones: Same old liberal candidates.
Dem brainless, money-grubbing, polluting, dumb, nazi clones, dem brainless,
money-grubbing, dumb, polluting, nazi clones! Dem dry brainless,
money-grubbing, dumb, polluting, nazi clones . . .
Same old republican candidates
nemo
>
> Admission: Religious advertising.
>
> Admit: Put on a glove.
>
> Commit: Here glove, here glovy glovy glovy!
>
> Commission: A church on the Internet.
>
> Glovy: Vampire glove.
>
> Mitten: The 10th glove.
>
> Remit: Put on the glove again.
>
> Remission: To send out the preachers again.
>
> Submit: A very wet glove.
>
> Submission: A church under water.
Submarinade: Seasoning used for soaking foods prior to cooking in the galley
of a U-Boat.
nemo
> > > Forecast: 4 actors.
> > >
> > > Outcast: Gay actor who has left the closet.
> > >
> > > Overcast: Cloudy actors.
> > >
> > Telecast: Greek actors a long way away.
>
> Comcast: Computerized actors.
>
> Steelcast: Robot actors such as The Terminator.
Computerised shrub: Robodendron.
nemo
>
> Borders: Doors for wild pigs to go through.
>
> Circumspect: What a Knight Inspector does.
>
> Confundis Charm: A spell for laundering money.
>
> Draco: Fire breathing reptilian company.
>
> Harry Potter: Bearded maker of ceramic containers.
>
> Hufflepuff: What the wolf did to blow down the pigs' houses.
>
> Quidditch: 5 ditches.
>
> Please don't Snape at me, or throw me for a Lupin.
Malting: Bell in a place where barley was heated to turn the starch into
sugar for beer-making.
http://www.snapemaltings.co.uk/
nemo
>
> Admit: A mathematician's glove.
>
> Emit: A computer's glove.
>
> Helmet: Satan's glove.
>
> Hermit: A lady's glove, sitting all alone.
>
> Mitten: Glove of Generation X.
>
> Ramble: Male cross between a sheep and a cow.
>
> Remit: A glove that flies back on your hand the moment you take it off.
>
> Submit: Neptune's glove.
>
> Summit: Another mathematician's glove.
Vomit: A glove that fits the thin trapezoidal bone of the skull forming the
posterior and inferior parts of the nasal septum.
(true)
I've got a deviated septum meself. The right side of my nose always gets
bunged up worse when I get a cold.
Septum: An abbreviation for an infected abdomen.
nemo
>
> Miss Sing: A lost singer.
>
> Miss Spell: A fumbling witch.
>
> Miss Take: A bumbling actress.
>
> Miss Understand: A stumbling psychologist.
Miss B. Gotten: A girl born out of wedlock.
nemo
> > >
> > > Allowing: A permissive bird.
> > >
> > > Blowing: A windy bird.
> > >
> > > Growing: Very big wings.
> > >
> > > Harrowing: Risk taking bird.
> > >
> > > Rowing: Bird in a small boat propelled by oars.
> > >
> > > Slowing: Bird that doesn't move very fast.
> > >
> > > Throwing: Bird from the big leagues.
> > >
> > Throwt: Flying gizzard!
>
> Wowing: An amazing bird.
Supposing the Wright Brothers had been the Wrong Brothers!
Wilbur: A sharp edge on a document declaring a person's wishes regarding the
disposal of their property when they die.
Orville: A town that can't make up its mind what it should be called.
http://www.thebubbleburst.co.uk/bb.php?entry=Keith%20Harris%20And%20Orville
Orville's the green one!!
nemo
> > > Asking: King of the donkeys.
> > >
> > > Barking: King of the dogs.
> > >
> > > Blowing: Windy bird.
> > >
> > > Boreal: Movie about a wild pig.
> > >
> > > Boring: Musical wild pig.
> >
> > Booring: A crude, uncouth, ill-bred musical wild pig lacking culture or
> > refinement.
>
> Refine: To give the motorist another ticket.
Traffic Warriorden: A very brave Parking Attendant.
nemo
> > >
> > > Kathy wrote:
> > >
> > > > "Buffalo Chilkat" <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
> > > > news:3ggorvsdr7n6uuh45...@4ax.com...
> > > > > Kathy wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > > >"nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> > > > > >news:MCPub.27404$qu....@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >> fredm...@the.PC ?Z <FRE...@webtv.net> wrote in message
> > > > > >>
news:1660-3FB...@storefull-2375.public.lawson.webtv.net...
> > > > > >> > ne...@naughtylass2.wet (nemo) wrote :
> > > > > >> >
> > > > > >> > Old MacDonald was dyslexic - E O I O E
> > > > > >> > (Billy Colony)
> > > > > >> >
> > > > > >> > Silly burger!
> > > > > >> >
> > > > > >> > Nemo
> > > > > >> >
> > > > > >> > Silly AND stale old burger. You want flies with that ?
> > > > > >> >
> > > > > >> Don't tell me they've started doing Eccles Cake Burgers!
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >Nah, they merely signed the Maggot à laCarta.
> > > > >
> > > > > That was a real quiller.
> > > > >
> > > > 'Twas a scroll in the park.
> > >
> > > Scroll Ling: Ancient Chinese document.
> > >
> > Dead C Scrolls: Found in a piano with a particular damper stuck on.
>
> Damper: Price of a water barrier.
Dampproofing: A cure for damp roofing.
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > Tim Bruening wrote:
> > >
> > > > Backing: The king behind.
> > > >
> > > > Behind: Deer-Bee crossbreed.
> > >
> > > Abby: Religious bee that writes advice columns.
> > >
> > Abbot: The arse of the religious bee that writes advice columns.
>
> Abbot: Religious robot that writes advice columns.
>
> Miser: A Knight named Scrooge.
Narr. He was called Ebonezer, because he was made of the black hardwood used
for the semitone keys on a piano.
Semitone: You get a pair of these if you saw someone called Anthony in half.
Look! There's one Newley sawn!
A black hardwood Music Hall song:
Ebonezup Mother Brown - Ebonezup Mother Brown!
Under the table you must go!
E-I-E-I-E-I-O!
If I catch you bending,
I'll saw your leg right off!
Ebonezup Ebonezup! Don't get the Ebon breeze up!
Ebonezup Mother Brown!
OY!
nemo
> > > Forecast: 4 actors.
> > >
> > > Outcast: Gay actor who has left the closet.
> > >
> > > Overcast: Cloudy actors.
> > >
> > Telecast: Greek actors a long way away.
>
> Comcast: Computerized actors.
>
> Steelcast: Robot actors such as The Terminator.
>
Hylighter: From the description, a flying Portugese Man O'war in 'The Jesus
Incident' high on hydrogen!
Another damned good Frank Herbert yarn looming out of the annals of time.
Dinosaurs: The annimals of time!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43E7CB61...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Michael Balarama wrote:
> >
> > > Was sent this:
> > >
> > > Noted Doughboy Dies
> > >
> > > Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe
> > > yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh
> > > was an avid gardener and tennis player.
> > >
> > > Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
> > > years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
> > > the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
> > > Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
> > >
> > > The graveside was piled high with flower as longtime friend, Aunt
> > > Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never
> > > knew how much he was kneaded."
> > >
> > > Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
> > > with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
> > > wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who
> > > buttered him up.
> > >
> > > Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He
> > > enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at
> > > him.
> > >
> > > Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
> > > another bun in the oven.
> > >
> > > The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
> >
> > May he Rise In Peace, and his wife avoid yeast infections.
> >
> > Are his kids strong Hy-breads?
>
> Yeah. They're F1 Hy-breads, so they have to breed from cuttings!
3 days later, on Yeaster, Fresh rose from the dead.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43E80C9E...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> >
> > > On Sun, 9 May 2004 23:40:13 -0400, "Greg Evans"
> > > <gregIGN...@charter.BLATHER.net> wrote:
> > >
> > > >Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> > > >
> > > >> Have you ever tried to say no to the Department of Defense?
> > > >
> > > >I find it's much easier to deal with the Department of Degate instead.
> > >
> > > In your case, yes. I've heard that you have often been given Degate.
> >
> > How about the Department of Labor?
> >
> > Labor Day: A day to make love to a ferel male pig.
> >
> > Labor Day: A day to give birth.
>
> Why do Merkins leave their Us out? In cold weather if they've been shawn,
> they'll be standing there shivering and catch cold!
Its U crazy Brits who keep mispelling "Labor"!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
But the GOP is strongly supportive of Israel, so how can they be Nazis?