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Date: 2007-04-03, 2:38PM PDT

I have worked at OHSU for 4 years. Most of the time, I get to work on
one of the many Trimet "Express" buses that serve OHSU. Obviously,
these buses are 95% OHSU employees. It is also obvious that most of
these riders NEVER ride the bus except to get to work, as they have no
idea how to behave or what to expect on a public transit vehicle.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

- Medical students, you do NOT need your stethoscope on the bus.
Hanging it around your neck like some kind of "I got into Med School"
medal is not impressive; in fact, you look like the asshole that you
most likely are. Your snotty little haircut and brand-new airline-belt-
buckle messenger bag serves as confirmation that you are a dickhead/
bitchface.

- Middle-aged women with gigantic* asses. Just because a seat remains
on the bus, that does not mean that the seat is intended for you. If
you lumber on to the bus with your huge purse, a massive lunch cooler
and a bouquet of flowers (and did I mention the gigantic ass?) this
means that the seat in the back row between the corner and the middle
is NOT big enough for you! Do you feel your ass squeezing against the
legs of the regular-size people sitting on either side of you? No?
Well they do, and that's why they gave you that nasty look.

*Note: a curvey or chubby ass that needs a bit of a squeeze to get
into a tiny Trimet seat is perfectly understandable and acceptable.
But a gigantic ass is another thing entirely, and you know who you
are, ladies!

- The bus driver will stop at EVERY stop. SOMEONE is getting off at
EVERY stop on the Hill. You do not need to lean over me and put your
disgustingly saggy tits in my face and breath your rancid coffee-and-
egg-mcmuffin breath on me in order to ring the bell. Believe me, we'll
be stopping at the VA. We do every morning. Every...single...morning.

- Talking in the morning is strongly discouraged. Talking and laughing
loudly is prohibited. Do NOT start blabbering loudly with your co-
worker. Some of us have exciting and/or scandalous lives outside of
OHSU and may or may not have consumed a massive quantity of alcohol
last night. Talking in the afternoon is acceptable with the exception
of the following topics: how hard your day was, how much you have to
do tonight, anything involving your children.

- No bitching about the bus being early. This is PUBLIC
transportation. And in fact, as OHSU employees we pay less for it than
anyone in town. This is not a car service. Don't start running
(waddling?) from 10 blocks away clutching that Starbucks between your
meaty claws and expect that we'll be rooting for you. Just take the
regular bus downtown, catch the 8, be 10 minutes late and learn from
your mistake: you don't have time for that 3rd donut before you leave
the house. And by the way, it wasn't early. You were late.

- The bus will be full by the time we start up the Hill. The empty
seat next to you is going to be filled. Don't be one of those assholes
who thinks her lunch needs a seat all to itself. Don't sit on the
outside seat; scoot in and be a person who lives in a society. When
someone approaches your seat and is callous enough to suggest that you
should share that 2-seater, don't move your legs into the aisle and
expect them to scoot in. Either slide in like a regular person, or get
up and let them in (even though you have obvious entitlement issues).

- The bus is NOT the place to read the newspaper stretched out to full
size. Either learn to fold a newspaper "train style" or wait until
later to check your horoscope.

- Rolling your eyes, or sighing, or complaining when a person with a
disability gets onto the bus is not only rude and intolerant, its also
100% at odds with the fact that you WORK AT A FUCKING HOSPITAL!

- Enough with the flowers. Its spring, and its actually nice of you to
bring flowers to work (assuming they are for someone else...oh,
they're for YOUR desk? Fuck you). Some of us are very allergic to
flowers, and jamming them into our face for 40 minutes is going to
make the rest of the day miserable. Its obvious that no part of your
brain triggers the response, "what about other people?" so I'm here to
remind you that yes, there are other people on the bus.

- Male nurses in Danskos. You look gay. You might be gay, and that's
cool, but know that you most definitely LOOK gay.

- Sometimes, we all have to stand. If you are 40+ and overweight, I
will not be relinquishing my seat to you, even though I am 30 and in
excellent physical condition. I'm tired too, and I'm fucking sitting
down. Don't glare at me because you're too heavy and weak to stand up
under your own power for 10 minutes.

See you this afternoon!