REPT: The Seventh Penguin Report (Its huuuuuuuuuge!)
Annette Fraser
This is the second bit. It has a train conductor in it who is played by
Marcus.
And so the wonders of "To be continued..." story writing are displayed once
more. See now the continuing (and hopefully final) chapter in Flash
Penguin, the Seventh Penguin Report, brought to you by Maxwell/Intensity
Enterprises.
dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom dom
Flash! Ahh ahhhhhh
Man dressed in a rubber suit!
"What?" said Flash, incredulously.
Saviour of the Universe!
"Much better."
In the Small and Oddly Decorated Room (smug enough to have its own TM)
there remained a small group (just right for the room size) of people. Dr
Hans Zarkov, resplendent in his eclectic collection of 70's clothing
pondered the physics behind the mass assemblage of so many people in such a
small space. Dale Harden recovered from her hosting duties with wide-eyed
tiredness, and Flash Penguin just stood there, looking like a dumb jock, a
credit to his acting abilities.
"Well," said Zarkov brightly, clapping his hands together, "now that those
shenanigans are over, we can move on."
"Move on where?" asked Flash. The merest hint of suspicion wavered closely
over his brain cell before getting lost in the vast uncharted recesses of
his mind.
"Er, to the shop.." stammered Zarkov, "to, er buy... er no to go to a
publicity signing of your autobiography, Flash."
Flash immediately looked very interested. "Will there be women there?" he
asked with a leer.
"Oh definitely," replied Zarkov, nodding manically. "Yes, indeed."
"Right, we're going!"
It was at this point that the afforementioned train conductor surprised
everyone by walking into the trademarked room.
"All aboard!" he shouted as the befuddled trio stared. "First stop is the
Galactic Kingdom of Mongo. Please purchase your tickets before embarkation
and carry them with you at all times."
"Pardon?" asked Dale.
"It's quite simple really, Annette," replied Marcus in a conversational
tone, "you buy your ticket now and hang onto it. Much like we did when we
went to Wollongong."
"But we intend to go to *Mongo*," interjected Zarkov, "which is light years
away from this little mud ball, er planet."
"Ummm, yeah, I know that," said Marcus, playing with his ticket dispenser,
"but I'm an extra from a previously scrapped Penguin Report and I thought I
might try my lines out in this one."
Dale and Zarkov turned as one to cast a disapproving glare at Flash.
"What could I do," shrugged Flash feebly, "he had such a nice uniform."
"Right then," continued the conductor. "Enough of this chit chat. If
you'll just take your seats we can get underway."
So they all took their seats away and replaced them with beanbags, which
can be very comfortable, you know. The conductor fiddled knowledgably with
the dials on the newly-presented control panel and then he hit the wall of
the room and shouted, "Ok boys! Give it a push!"
The room began to shake and rattle, the occupants suddenly becoming very
aware of the everyday life of the marble in the paint can.
"I h- hate to int- interrupt you," stuttered Zarkov bouncing painfully off
a wall. "But we're s- s- suppsed to be s- seein-ing str-ange phenomena
ou-ou-outsi-s-ide the w-w-indows."
The conductor paused for a moment and looked at the scriptwriters who
conferred briefly. After receiving their nod of approval, he shouted, "OK
Ken! Go for it!"
<cue strange phenomena>
As the train pulled away from the station the occupants began to feel the
full pressure of untold G forces as they sank further and further into
their beanbags. Moments before fading into unconsciousness, they noticed a
torchlight beginning to flash outside.
"Atmospheric phenomena! Atmospheric phenomena!" yelled a now very familiar
voice.
A GI-Joe spaceman figurine on a string dangled past the window.
"Alien carcass, alien carcass!"
They would have seen a cardboard sign with "This joke is getting old"
written on it passing by, but by this stage the intrepid threesome were
long past awareness. Zarkov dreamed of starring in Saturday Night Fever
III. Dale dreamed of wealthy handsome men and baseball caps. Flash was in
the middle of a dream about a cream bun and a harlequin costume, "Yes, I
-will- take the bun to the Granjikar of Traxblot.... this is my quest" he
murmured. And Ken was left far behind in the vacuum of the space.
"This really sucks!!!!!" spat Ken, describing both the effect and his
predicament. Jolly nice of him to save us some money on the scripting, wot?
Many, many mainly visual scenes later, our heroic explorers found
themselves awake and captives in the court of an alien ruler. On every
side were crowds of bizarre people dressed in tacky, shiny clothing. Eyes
wide, the three stumbled after a strange, floating golden sphere which led
them further and futher into what seemed to be a huge throne room. As they
approached the waiting crowds, the sentient (or so it seemed) sphere began
to shout to the assembled personages in the room.
"OI!!! get outta my way! I's got thees 'ere...heirs prisners to exeec..
eks... kill!"
Thoroughly irritated by the spelling mistakes, obviously present even in
the speech patterns of the drone, which was in fact a state of the art
DRGZ-1 unit, those assembled in the room quickly moved out of the way.
"OI!! $ing!" yelled the DRGZ-1 unit. "$$$$$$IIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!! Get your
honky white ass out here!"
The royal trumpeters blared the strains of "Staying Alive" to announce the
Emperor's arrival. $ing soon appeared, resplendent in his robes, strutting
out from behind the throne, bopping to the beat of the anthem.
"Heyyyyyy!!!! What's up, sphere-dude?"
"Abowt bluddy time," replied the DRGZ-1 unit. "I gots you dem prisners
frahm de traaain, $ire."
"Crazee, man," answered $ing clicking his fingers. "So what you think we
sho-" $ing stopped abruptly, realising that jive wasn't his thang, so to
speak. He turned away from the crowd, coughed, shook his shoulders,
composed his expression, carefully lifted one eyebrow, and turned, once
again the evil and sinister Emperor.
"Townsley," $ing beckoned to Klytus who lingered near the throne. "Dispose
of that DRGZ-1 unit."
"Heyhhhhh waht????" screamed the unit.
With an imperious flick of his hand, Townsley imprisoned the unit forever
in an invisibility and inaudibility field, thus rendering it completely
undetectable and never again able to gain anyone's attention.
$ing looked over the little group of Earth people and spoke again. "Who
*are* these prisners, er prisoners?" he asked with a sigh.
"I'm Flash Penguin, quarterback of the New Dork Pets," announced Flash
defiantly. "And this is Dr Hans Zarkov and Dale Harden." Only then did
Flash then notice that the train conductor was still with them, standing to
one side, metally calculating the number of fares present in the room. "Oh,
and this is an extra from another Penguin Report," Flash explained rather
lamely.
$ing perused the group closely, his gaze lingering on Dale, who shrank from
the somewhat unwelcome attention. $ing smiled and waved a her a cutsie
wave, before clearing his throat and quickly dropping back into character.
"You pathetic, petty, pitiful, pigheaded, pugnacious, pox-ridden,
prattling, persistent, pestilent, prating, parasitic, parochial,
pernicious, plagued, pallid, peons and pillocks plunging your personages
into the void to defend your peculiar, puny, pointless, paltry, polluted
pimple of a pesky planet against powerful, peremptory forces you could not
even hope to presently comprehend, " he sneered, all in one breath.
"Although I must admit that the girl does look rather perky,
pulchritudinous and peachy and could probably potentially be pretty
pleasing as a paramour in a perverse and passionate partnership."
As a huge sign flashing the word "APPLAUSE" lit up over $ing's head a
snappily-dressed man with a grin showing gleaming white teeth leapt forward
to the throne. $ing glared at him with extreme distaste.
"Hi there viewers," he yelled, bouncing wildly around the dais, "it's me,
Gene "Main Man" Davidson, game show host to the stars and I'm here to
announce that......congratulations, $ing! You've just used the sentence
with the most number of adjectives beginning with the letter 'p'!!!!" He
grinned at the crowd, failing completely to whip them into a frenzy. "Now,
would you like to try another letter in order to go for tonight's major
prize....... it's a new car!" His voice trailed off as he noticed the
crowds looking at him in stunned surprise. "Er," he said, calming down
somewhat, the fabulous grin melting from his face, "I'm in the wrong
parody, aren't I?"
This realisation brought instant recognition to Flash's normally dulled
mind. "Another extra??" he thought. "Extra..." he murmured his brow
furrowed in feverish cogitation. Suddenly, with a start, he looked up.
"Hang on!" he exclaimed. "This isn't a shop.... and this isn't an
autograph signing session! You bastard, Zarkov! I'm stuck here in the
out-take room of Star Trek (original series, of course) meets the Funky
Channel! Nyyyyaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!! I can't take it any more!"
With a swiftness born of desperation Flash turned on one of the guards and
punched him on the nose. His punch contained all the strength and might
which could be summoned by such a burly example of humanity, having been
tempered in the fires of American Professional Fatball, er.. Football. The
sheer power of such a punch could have caused quite a great deal of damage
to any normal human, but too late Flash realised that the guard was a
cloned drone of an alien race powerful enough to wreak havoc on a planet
light years away. So instead of completely mashing the guard's nose, he
very nearly broke his hand.
$ing observed from his throne with some amusement. "Ah, Townsley," he
drawled, "I see your men are on the right pills. Promote their trainer."
He took a deep breath and stood up, stretching sensuously. "And speaking of
the pill, I'm in the mood for a little visit to my harem. Take the Earth
woman to my chambers and prepare her to receive me." Two guards quickly
dragged the struggling Dale away. "The Earthman with the beard can go to
the Snazzy Dressing Research Section and that twit clutching his hand and
writhing on the ground in agony can be executed for his stupidity." So
having pronounced his desire, $ing turned and swept from the room.
But ah ha! Sequestered behind a pillar in the vast and majestic court, a
sultry figure watched unnoticed the unfolding events with great interest,
and proceeded to pay particular attention to the destination of our
wonderhero....the train conductor, who was now desperately looking for a
fast train out of there. *Another* sultry figure was watching the progress
of Flash Penguin with great interest, and since that's a more interesting
scenario for us to write, we'll go with the second one.
Dr Zarkov was forcibly taken to a subterranean level in the palace, in
order that he could begin work on his beloved tacky fashions. For hours the
merciless fiends poured ideas of designs and fabrics and styles into his
head, hoping to incite him to creativity. And all the while his mammoth
brain[1] wrestled and fought with their New Ideas. A fierce sweat broke out
on his brow.
"Argghhh.... ughhhh... nooooo," he moaned as he lay strapped to the bench,
tossing and turning, his teeth clenched against the onslaught, "too
many.... bad... photo..shop... pics of... Gillian..... noooo.... too much
..... crap.... in... articles...."
The mighty mind of Zarkov resisted for hours until finally his resolve
broke and his brain was so full of useless fashion information and the
contents of fluff publications that he could no longer even spell Tuesday;
but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply
doesn't count.[2] Gratefully relinquishing his hold on his sanity, he
plunged into unconsciousness.
Meanwhile, Dale, having been robed and perfumed, was in the royal
bedchamber being attended to by $ing. And I'm leaving it at that. You can
take it to email, you randy little perverts.
Princess Aura, the notable daughter of $ing having followed the events of
the afternoon from her vantage point in the throne room, was clad in her
best seducing clothes when she finally caught up with Flash Penguin and the
guards marching him to his execution. Her lithe and sultry figure had been
following them and was hungry for something. What do you expect with the
pressure on young girls these days? "You're too fat" say all the magazines!
Bloody hell! What would they know about the health of today's youth. But
back to the story, Aura, not being one to pay much attention to the garbage
spouted by such magazines took a chocolate bar out of her pocket and
munched it down.
"Oh, guaaaaaards!" she sang from behind them. The guards whirled to face
her and immediately stood to attention. "Leave him with me," she pouted
prettily, "and I won't have you killed." The guards, unlike most hired
thugs, had a great deal of sense and knew better than to evoke the wrath of
the Mistress Bandwidth Waster herself and immediately ran away, leaving the
prisoner alone with Aura.
"Hiya, Tig," she said to him, planting a kiss on his lips, then standing
back and smiling.
There was an unnecessarily large pause at this point because Intensity was
writing this bit of the story and thought this was cute.
"Hiya yourself, Lyndal," he replied when he had finished savouring the
moment. "Nice threads, or lack thereof."
Princess Aura blushed slightly. "Yes, well," she explained, "I always
wanted to WALIL, and this seemed like the perfect time. But we must hurry.
You're making this report too long and we have to get on with it."
As Aura innocently spoke these mystic words, a fearsome beast was invoked
from the depths of time and space. The evil space-tyrant Rytazblok heard
the summoning and sent his nefarious henchdaemon, the D'dlyne, hurtling on
a collision course towards Mongo. In the panic that ensued, Zarkov released
his latest line of creations, Aura and Flash fled to the security of the
Kingdom of Prince Barin-5, and $ing and Dale carried on doing what only
*they* know about. (And we'll leave it that way).
So we now find our hero and his lovely assistant, the Princess Aura, safe
in Barin-5's realm, Melbournia. The Prince greeted Aura extremely warmly
then turned to his gathered people. "Hiya folks," he shouted to the crowd,
who cheered and waved in reply. "Welcome to the game show that's keeping
all of Mongo tuned in..........it's time for.......... Survive that
Squeal!"
The inhabitants of Melbournia applauded wildly as Barin-5 continued his
patter.
"As you know, in this box there is the most terrifying, hideous,
nasty-even, beast in the entire Empire of Mongo... a beast with such a
terrible power that no-one can withstand it. Tonight's contestant will have
to stick his head in the box and Survive That Squeal... or he can....?"
Barin-5 cupped his ear as if expecting a reply.
And on cue, the entire audience chimed in with, "Get shot for being a
spoilsort!!!" Once again they clapped and cheered madly.
"So," said Barin-5, grinning from ear to ear and turning to Flash, "let's
meet tonight's first contestant. He comes all the way from the planet Earth
to be with us and is the quarterback of the New Dork Pets. Ladies,
gentlemen and other beings, please slap your appendages together in
appreciation for Flash Penguin!!!!"
Flash stumbled onto the stage and over to the box, where Barin-5 quickly
gripped the back of his neck with a strong and practised hand.
"Are you ready, Mr Penguin?" Barin-5 asked, his eyes narrowing and glinting
maliciously.
"Well," joked Flash, "um - er not rea-"
"That's great," interrupted Barin-5 and without further preamble he shoved
Flash's head into the box.
Suddenly a terrible, spine-tingling, horrendous, blood-curdling squeal
emanated from the box.
Flash, who had been struggling against Barin-5's grasp to this point
suddenly stopped. "Holly?" he asked in amazement. "Is that you?"
"Intensity?" came a familiar voice from inside the box. "Wow. Fancy meeting
you here."
From overhead a flock of Hawkmen, led by an imposing bearded Canberran,
swooped in dramatically and landed on the stage. "Ah ha!!!!" gloated the
leader. "At long last I have a recording of *that* squeal!" he shouted
triumphantly.
"Not if my lawyers get to you first Leahy, I mean Voltan," snarled Barin-5
releasing Flash and advancing towards the leader of the Hawkmen.
As Voltan and Barin-5 circled each other warily they were distracted by an
almighty roaring sound that seemed to emanate from the very depths of deep
space.
"My goodness!" exclaimed Flash. "Either that was Dale and $ing having the
time of their lives, or it's the evil D'dlyne beast coming to get us.
Quick!" He implored Barin-5, Aura and the Hawkmen. "Let's run away!"
Being the cowards that they were and all enmity forgotten, everyone quickly
agreed with Flash and made their way to various flying craft, fleeing the
scene with Astonishing Rapidity. All except for the Hawkmen, who had a
fear of flying machines you know.
"I'm going to hide in $ing's palace, because that's where I end up in the
original film," puffed Flash as he ran in panicky and useless circles.
"Then we'll come with you," announced Barin-5 gallantly while Princess Aura
the Prurient simply giggled at the entendre.
"Not me," laughed Prince Voltan brandishing the precious tape of The
Squeal. "We're heading off to convert this into a .wav file. Farewell my
friends," he shouted as he flew away, " and sur-VIVE!"
Flash leapt onto a nearby skycycle and set out for the capitalist's
capital, the Palace of $ing. Aura and Barin-5 decided to go by the more
leisurely route, taking in the sights of Honalulu and Hawaii along the way.
Meanwhile, in the command centre of the palace, a comely, leather-clad
metallurgist monitored the situation while she lovingly admired a large,
artistic .sig. Suddenly, one of her many, strangely-eyed technicians
spoke.
"General Alys," he announced in amazement. "Flash Penguin approaching!"
"What do you mean, Flash Penguin approaching? Oh goody!" she exclaimed,
immediately jumping from her chair and pressing herself against the window
in an attempt to catch a glimpse of our hero. "Dispatch War Rocket Ajax, to
bring me -that- body," she ordered, her chest heaving with excitment.
"Rrrrrrowrrrrrrrr!"
As Flash hurtled recklessly towards the palace at very great speed many,
many people had assembled in $ing's throne room to witness to the marriage
of $ing to Dale Harden.
"$ing," asked the Marriage Guy, "do you take this Earthwoman to be your
wife of the report?"
"Of the report, Carlton? I do," replied $ing.
Turning to Dale the Marriage Guy asked her, "And do you, Dale Harden take
this man to be your husband, to let him do all sorts of things to you which
Intensity refuses to write about here and to let him be complete master of
your life....." Dale stared dreamily at $ing, a glazed look in her eyes
and a slight smile quirking her lips, ".......and extensive merchandise
collection, which he may liquidate if the market is right?"
Dale's expression of bliss quickly changed to stark horror and indignation.
"I most certainly do NOT," she said, emphatically.
"Stuff you, you don't get a choice," said the Marriage Guy. "I hereby
pronounce you Capitalist and Consumer. You may now trade freely in the
market place."
As $ing turned to kiss his scowling bride, Flash's skycycle crashed
dramatically through the huge glass window of the throne room, showering
the nuptial couple in slivers of glass and bringing a most monumentous halt
to the proceedings.
"Yeeeeehhaaaaaarrrrr!" he shouted, his fist triumphantly punching the air
as he rode to the stage and dismounted. "It's Award time peoples!!!!!!!!."
Dale, shaking bits of glass out of her hair and from various parts of her
raiment, handed him a large number of envelopes and stood to the side with
a basket of small petrified aquatic birds.
The crowd of ATXFers who all had roles as extras in the report gathered
eagerly at the foot of the dais as Flash began to read out the awards.
The "RPAH Award for Sevices to Medicine" is presented to Carlton Marks
(nominated by Ken) for his reply to the 'Free CD' posting:
WOW! - Just what I've always wanted! - A free CD chocked full of medical
advice!
I guess it contains such classics as;
"Heaven's in the back seat of my catheta" (Snot Chocolate)
"What's spew pussycat" (Tom Bones)
"Robert De'Niro's fainting"
"Don't stand so colostomy" (think about it)
Duggie (nominated by $ilk) wins the "Triple X Award" for this post in the
Why Planes Go Down thread:
The real reason that planes go down is because there boyfriends convince
them they would if they _really_ loved them.
The "Desperation TANing Sets In Award" goes to Antti (nominated by Holly)
for this:
> Don't forget the fact that we are all led to believe that Cancer Man
> (Darth) killed Muldy's (Luke's) father (though CM did get someone else to
> do it - while Darth would have enjoyed a more hands on approach).
> Who does this make Scully - Han or R2D2.
> I'd have to go for R2 - there's not quite enough rivalry between M & S for
<< snip! >>
I can see what the topic of the interegnum is going to be now.
For the record, I think Scully is Leia and Queequeg was R2D2.
Skinner would have to be a depiled Wookie. Frohike is C3P0.
And to think the season's only been over for less than 48 hours...
And continuing the Star Wars theme, the "Desperation SUNBURNing Sets in
Award" goes to $ilk (nominated by Chris Hadgis) for a post which began
thusly:
CM: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Deepthroat never told
you what happened to your father.
Mulder: He told me enough! He told me you killed him.
CM: No. I am your father.
Shocked, FM looks at CM in utter disbelief.
FM: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!
CM: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
FM: No! No! No!
CM: Fox. You can destroy the Consortium. They have foreseen this. It is
your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the FBI as father and son.
Come with me. It's the only way.
$ilk also wins this week's "Talitha Cumi Award for Best Resurrection of a
Newsgroup to the State of Being REL" (a Bored of Directors nomination) for
his Office Politics post:
[0] What? Three Rel posts from him in the month? This bodes....
Hey ho, let's go.
Now we've seen the conclusion to this season, the interoffice politics at
the FBI "Oh-Naughty-Bits" departments
are much much clearer.
A distinct power structure has emerged IMHO.
-----(A) - The Powers that Be ----
$teve's powerstructure is
(and so on)
Amber (nominated by Antti) wins the "Delurking Newbie of the Week Award"
for:
> I had a weird thought while watching Cancerman and Mrs Mulder's exchange
> in Talitha Cumi. It seems the two of them have had some sort of
> relationship, what if Mulder is their love child?
> Amber
Oh... d'oh!
*Now* I will bury my head in the sand... :) Sorry guys, I must sound
like a real newbie ;)
The "State the Bleeping Obvious Award" is presented to Steve Voltan Leahy
(nominated by Dumpster) for this reply to JAG:
>> (I gotta ask though - you are postgrad aren't you? Where *do* you find
>> the time?).
>On the newsagent's shelf, between Newsweek and The Bulletin :-)
Steve Leahy (nominated by Christopher Stuart) also wins the "Webster's
Dictionary Award" for:
>> resulting in dislexia (or however you spell it)...
>It's one of those word where spelling doesn't matter.
And also the "Award for the Greatest Number of Short and Hardly Worth the
Effort of Reading Posts" (nominated by John August).
The "Award for Worship of GA Above and Beyond the Call of Duty" is awarded
to who else but Holly (nominated by Chris Hadgis) for this:
<g> Uh huh. Thanks Gene. So, it wasn't so much a lisp, as an emphasis on
her "s"s, right? <g> I'll have to watch it again - I really and truly
didn't notice it... I must be going deaf, or developing a severe resistance
to Gillian-faults. <bg>
And Slifox actually wins an award (nominated by Holly)! Yes, here it is.
The "Mountain out of a Molehill Award" for this:
>> >Ah, so it's only very small statisticians who can perform t-tests?
>> Actually only very small Student statisticians can perform t-tests.
I am always in awe of how you guys can make a totally long thread out of
nothing at all.
Look! Here's another award for Slifox (a Bored of Directors nomination),
the "Witty Highlander Reference Award" for:
> Then don't look too hard at the McDonalds thick shakes. The thickening agent they put in that is the stuff they used on the aliens....
>
Alien 2 : The Thickening.
Rachel Bahl (nominated by $ilk) wins the "Rookie of the Week Award" for her
contributions to the Well Manicured Man thread and also for simply being a
friendly newbie.
The "Alone Again, Naturally... Award" goes to John August (nominated by
Steve Leahy) for:
> Just when you thought it was safe to travel at close to the speed of light.
> Just when you thought it was safe to make jokes about there being two John Augusts (heaven forbid ! - mind you, I would > have some company.....).
> Just when $teve2 thought he'd seen the last of relativity (heh, heh, heh) ....
> Just when you'd grown used to John August being a misogynistic arsehole
Ken (nominated by Holly) wins the the "Just Where Did I Leave My Brain
Award" for his messy muddling of Mrs Mulder and Mrs Scully:
>In Sarah Segall's review for Blessing Way/Paper Clip, there is a reference
>to 'Margaret Scully'. Now, unless there's something I'm missing, then this
>is Mrs Mulder's name.
Oh *dear*. No, I don't understand it either. There was something I was
missing after all. Intelligence. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I'm blaming it
all on a stroke.
SCHERE, NEK
And once again, the "Kirsty Weatherhog Memorial Exclamation Mark" is not
being awarded (as it is for DD lusting only) but this post from Hampster
(nominated by Chris Hadgis) wins a "Special Award for Dangerous
Concentrations of Exclamation Marks and Capital Letters":
> Just got back from the Burbank con and the hottest rumor there was that
>Mitch Pileggi was engaged.Does anyone out there know if its true?
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's not! HE'S
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's not allowed to!!!!!!!!!!! I WON'T LET HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He can't get married!! Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has to stay single,
doing steamy sex scenes for the rest of his life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Unless, of course, it's me he's marrying, in which case no sex scenes
unless their home videos... <hg>)
<composes self>
Sorry 'bout that folks.
"And that's the Awards ceremony for this week folks, " finished Flash.
The members of the crowd dispersed quietly, chatting to themselves as they
went. All except for Dale who sat down wearily on $ing's throne and Slifox
who remained standing on the dais, grinning manically and tightly clutching
her two Petrified Penguins in white knuckled hands.
Flash sidled over to her and began to ask her questions.
1. What is your age?
25, I'm at that terrible age where gravity starts to take over.
2. What was your first X-Files episode?
Deep throat, I missed the pilot....still haven't seen it.
3. What is your favourite X-Files episode and least favourite?
Favourite (s): Soft Light, Tooms, Jose Chung, Clyde Bruckman (FYI, I named
the bear Lyndal gave me Clyde). Least Favourite: Space, Crappy Killer
Pussycats.
4. Why do you like The X-Files?
Great stories, great actors, great everything really (including Mulder's
butt).
5. What is the worst thing about The X-Files?
That it's totally addictive. That my life is totally consumed by a TV show,
perish the thought.
6. Marital status?
Married, two ruggies.
7. Desperation status?
Constantly pressured, harrassed......chased around the kitchen table (who
said married life was boring?).
8. Other must-see shows?
Murder One, Liquid Television, ER.
9. What TV shows should they bring back?
Gargoyles, The Goodies, Hitchiker's Guide, Ren and Stimpy.
10. What TV shows should be euthanased immediately?
Jerk-cules, any australian teenage soapie, Melrose Place.
11. If you were Scully and you found Mulder naked you would:
Dive right in!
12. In terms of outlook and beliefs, do you think your views are closer to
Mulder's or Scully's?
Mulder's definately, I *do* believe.
13. Do you have a life?
This must be a trick question. If I had a real life, would I really have
time to answer all these questions?
14. If you have a life, what do you intend to do with it?
I'm hoping to do some study in the new year, I want to have my own
business, maybe open a cafe or bar of some sort sometime in the future.
15. What other newsgroups can we find you on?
None, I spend too much time reading ATXF as it is.
16. Which member of ATXF would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
I can't pick just one, I'd have to get stuck with everyone......it would be
a bit crowded, I would hope that no one had had baked beans for lunch, the
first annual lift gathering maybe?....good excuse to have a party.
17. Write your own question and response (I can't even be bothered
writing this in an interesting manner).
What question would I ask myself ?
Ummmmm, I don't know.............I could ask myself something about the
X-Files, then again, you might want to know something personal, then again,
you might not, what is my favourite colour? Too boring. I must ask myself
something witty, comical....nah, I'm no good at that stuff.....next
question.........?
Slifox toddled off happily in the general direction of the rest of the
crowd and Flash approached Dale, who still lounged in $ingÕs throne.
"Sooo, Dale, " he said with a wistful sigh. "It's all over. You wanna come
back to Earth now?"
Dale took one look at Zarkov, who had just arrived and was decked out in a
pure white polyester suit, complete with flares, lapels wide enough to play
billiards on, a form-fitting vest and black, besequinned and ruffled shirt
with about seventeen buttons undone. He'd managed to retain most of his
medallions and even acquired a few more and his head was bowed from the
weight round his neck. His platform shoes had been buffed and shone within
an inch of their life. However, sadly, John Travolta he was not.
"Eeeeeeyiewwwww!" exclaimed Dale in disgust. "Not if *he's* going to go
back dressed like that."
Dr Zarkov simply grinned and said, "Nope! I'm staying here. Look at all
these sequins!"
"Besides," Dale continued, "I think $ing and I are going to try to make a
go of it. He's not *that* bad, once you get to know him. Mind you, he
does keep mumbling the name 'Nina' in his sleep." She frowned. "And he
keeps saying that he never wanted to be an evil, overbearing, swaggering
dictator with delusions of god-hood [3], he always wanted to be a
lumberjack .....I think....and he keeps singing this silly little song;
something about scones and ladies underwear."
"Ugh!" replied Flash. "The sooner I get home, the better."
So, leaving Dale, $ing, Zarkov, Barin-5, Aura and all the other citizens of
Mongo to their fate he made his way to Mongo Central where he and The Train
Conductor (who had a part to play after all) caught the 12:45 express back
home. Did I say *all* the other citizens of Mongo? All except one: a
leather-clad metallurgist who purchased a one-way ticket to Earth.
THE END
[1] If only this was aus.sf.babylon5, I could have made a Mammoth Brain
Fart gag. Oh well.
[2] Spot the reference folks.
[3] Spot another reference.
--
Velvet |\ _,,,---,,_
The Merchandise Queen ZZzzz /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_
Member Sydney Loganians |,4- ) )-,_. ,\ ( `'-'
Communications Officer '---''(_/--' `-'\_) fL
- Newsship ATXF "Wake me before next Wednesday night..."
High Priestess of the Big Penguin AKA Penguingirl
---------------------------RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY---------------------------
floccinaucinihilipilification - act or habit of estimating as worthless
-- Complete Oxford Dictionary
-------------------------------NNAS #2----------------------------------
Alys
Annette Fraser wrote:
[snip]
> Meanwhile, in the command centre of the palace, a comely, leather-clad
> metallurgist monitored the situation while she lovingly admired a large,
> artistic .sig. Suddenly, one of her many, strangely-eyed technicians
> spoke.
> "General Alys," he announced in amazement. "Flash Penguin approaching!"
> "What do you mean, Flash Penguin approaching? Oh goody!" she exclaimed,
> immediately jumping from her chair and pressing herself against the window
> in an attempt to catch a glimpse of our hero. "Dispatch War Rocket Ajax, to
> bring me -that- body," she ordered, her chest heaving with excitment.
> "Rrrrrrowrrrrrrrr!"
[snip]
> Did I say *all* the other citizens of Mongo? All except one: a
> leather-clad metallurgist who purchased a one-way ticket to Earth.
Heh heh heh. Coolness! <bg>
I liked the Princess Aura parts too. Although not as much as she did I
suspect. ;-)
Well done Maxwell/Intensity.
Alys
________________________________________________________________________
Alice Harris -aaaaaaaaaaaa-
http://mama.minmet.uq.oz.au/~alice `Yb 8Y'
8; 8; a, a, a, .aaa.
. Dept of Mining & Metallurgy 8; 8; 8; 8; 8; d' `b
,8 University of Queensland .8baad8; 8; 8; 8; 8,
.d88, phone:(+61 7)3365 1387 .8; 8; 8; `baaaP8; `baaa.
88b d8; 8; 8; 8; `b,
`"Ybaaaa......._________......d8"' `8, 8baaaaA; Y" a 8;
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aus.sf.babylon5 Web Site:
http://mama.minmet.uq.oz.au/~alice/bab5/bab5.html
_______________________________________________________.sig_by_Intensity
Terry and Rachel Irwin
>Annette said:
> And Slifox actually wins an award (nominated by Holly)! Yes, here it is.
> The "Mountain out of a Molehill Award" for this:
>
> >> >Ah, so it's only very small statisticians who can perform t-tests?
> >> Actually only very small Student statisticians can perform t-tests.
> I am always in awe of how you guys can make a totally long thread out of
> nothing at all.
>
> Look! Here's another award for Slifox (a Bored of Directors nomination),
> the "Witty Highlander Reference Award" for:
>
> > Then don't look too hard at the McDonalds thick shakes. The thickening agent they put in that is the stuff they used on the aliens....
> >
> Alien 2 : The Thickening.
>
Woohoo!!!! Oh happy, happy, joy, joy.
<ghostbusters secretary voice> I GOT ONE!!! (two even)
If I had a life, it would now be complete. Firstly, I would like to thank the academy,
my mom, my cats, the man who helped me yesterday when my car wouldn't start, my next
door neigh...Thwack!<Annette smacks Slifox with the closest lump-o-wood>.