saint peter and others
Ten
good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the
Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of
my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near
the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
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QUOTES FROM CVs AND JOB APPLICATIONS:
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond
to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
From Kyle in USA (?????) ...
There are these two brothers. One of them is eight and one of them is nine.
On Christmas morning, they both run downstairs and start ripping open their
presents.
When they are done, the eight year old is sitting in the middle of a huge
pile of toys - everything from Legos to trucks to action figures. And all
the nine year old gets is a matchbox car. So, the eight year old is playing
with all his toys teasing his brother by saying, "Haha... I got all these
toys and all you got is a matchbox car."
The nine year old is playing quietly with his matchbox car and responds to
his brother, "Yeah, but at least I don't have cancer."
From Mike in the UK ...
Three young men are called up for national service but must first pass a
medical. The first one enters the doctor's surgery and is asked to strip.
"What's that?" asks the doctor.
"It's a truss" says the youth.
"And how long have you been wearing that?"
"Three years," says the youth.
The doctor goes to his clipboard and says, "ME - Medically Excused, you
can't serve in the army with that".
The youth leaves and tells his mate, who asks to borrow the truss. The same
thing happens; he comes out having been discharged.
The third youth enters, and everything's going fine until the the doctor
writes 'ME' on his form.
"What's that?" asks the youth. "Medically excused?"
"No," says the doctor, "Middle East. If you can wear a truss upside down for
three years, you can certainly serve in the middle east!".
From "TJatStorey" in the USA (?????) ...
There once was a man who moved to the mountains to get away from
civilization. For 20 years he did nothing but hunt and fish. No contact with
people. Well one day he is sitting around thinking about pussy. "Man,...it's
been 20 years since I've had some pussy." So he packs his bags takes some
furs to trade and heads into town.
He trades in his furs and gets $100. He takes that money over to the
whorehouse, plops it down on the counter and says to the madam,..."I want
some pussy. What can I get for $100?"
"Well,...for that amount,...I can get you some nice chicken pussy. But you
don't want that. What you want is some grizzly pussy. That's gonna cost you
$500. Expensive, but well worth it."
The mountain man thinks it over and decides that if he is gonna get some
pussy, it might as well be some good pussy. So he heads back up to the
mountain to trap some more to get enough furs to get the extra $400 for the
grizzly pussy. A few months pass and he heads back into town. Trades in the
furs and heads directly to the whorehouse. Plops his $500 down on the
counter and says..." OK... give me the grizzly pussy.!!"
"Certainly sir,....head upstairs, first door on the left. I'll send up the
grizzly pussy."
Once inside the room he undresses himself and prepares his mountain dick for
some pussy. He has quite a hard-on about now. There is a knock on the door
and in comes a black cleaning lady,.... "Ooops,....Im sorry sir. I didn't
realize anyone was in here."
"That's OK ma'am. Go ahead and clean whatever you have to clean."
So the black cleaning lady goes about her business and while dusting notices
the man's huge erection. "My,..that sure is a mighty fine hard-on you have
there sir."
"Why thank you ma'am. Been 20 years and I'm preparing myself for some
grizzly pussy."
"Oh that's nice,.....say,....you wouldn't mind if I touched it would you"?
"Uhhh...I suppose that would be OK."
So she touches it and goes back to her business. A little while later she
asks,...."Say,...you wouldn't mind if I sucked it now would you?"
"...Uhh...." The man hesitates....."Well, I suppose that would be OK, but I
gotta warn you.....this here baby is loaded for some grizzly -- and it just
might blow the head clean off of a coon!!"
From Tony in Cairns ...
Q: What's the difference between driving a Volvo and putting your hands down
a black man's trousers?
A: You feel a bigger prick driving the Volvo!!
From Ben in Scotland ...
Q:What does AIDS stand for?
A:Arse Injected Death Sentence
From Mark in ??? ...
Q. What time is it when you have her bra in one hand and her panties in the
other?
A. Mountin' Time!!
From Kim in the USA (???) ...
Two old maid sisters lived together all their lives. They had never been
more than 10 miles from their hometown all that time. One day one of the
sisters (Sister 1) won a trip to San Francisco so off she went.
Upon her return the other sister wanted to hear all about her trip.
Sister 2- "Sister what did you see in San Franciso, was it exciting?"
Sister 1- "Oh Sister, they had many wondrous and strange things in San
Francisco. They have women who kiss women full on the lips there."
Sister 2-*gasp while she fans herself* "OH MY! What do they call them?"
Sister 1- "They call them lesbians!"
Sister 2- "What else did they have in San Francisco?"
Sister 1- "Oh Sister, they also had men who kiss men full on the lips!"
Sister 2-*gasp while fanning herself, this is almost too much, she has to
sit down* "OHHHH MY! What do they call them?"
Sister 1- "They call them gays!"
Sister2- "Did they have anything else in San Francisco?"
Sister 1- "Oh yes, in San Francisco they have hard, handsome young men who
kiss old women between the legs!"
Sister 2-*gasp...close to fainting now* "Whatever do they call them? *she
managed to squeak out*
Sister 1- "Well, after I caught my breath, I called him Precious!
From Paul in Brisbane ...
The five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on
your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire
bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are
still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because
of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It
doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks
for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in
the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt
you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you
fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of
losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and Hell, you're
better looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom
you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You
are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words. (Oh,
shit ..... been there, done that!! --- BB)
From Jillian in Noo Zulland ...
Three women are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. All three are
very pregnant and busy knitting baby clothes. The first woman stops knitting
and reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows
them. "Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy baby."
They all continue knitting for a while when the second woman stops, reaches
into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them. "Must have
my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy baby."
They all continue knitting again, when the third woman stops, reaches into
her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.
"Healthy pills for a healthy baby?" the first two women ask?
"No," she replies, "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."
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Finally, my thoughts on reincarnation:
Of all the things I'd wish to be, I'd wish to be a crab. I'd run round Kev's
big hairy balls and drive the fucker mad. (Yes, PLEASE -- BB!)
From RJ in Oz -- a good variation ...
Three blokes were walking along a deserted beach, an Aussie, a Kiwi and a
Yank.
The Aussie and the Kiwi came across a naked bloke out like a light on the
beach. The bloke was lying there with a huge erection.
The Kiwi, being a gentleman, took off his hat and place it over the huge
erect cock.
The Yank walked up and picked up the Kiwi's hat and exclaimed, "My God --
what a big prick!!"
To which the Aussie replied, "Well mate, what else would you expect to find
under a Kiwi's hat??"
From Sharon in North Carolina ...
A Redneck Southern Guy walks into a gun shop.
Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?"
Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun."
Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?".
Redneck Guy (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks
about right."
Owner (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?" Redneck Guy: "It's
for shootin' at cans."
Owner (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for
shooting at cans."
Redneck Guy (pointing at the .44): "Nah, I need this one."
Owner: "Damn, what kinda cans are you shooting?"
Redneck Guy: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans............"
From the Lawson family in Noo Zulland ...
A Maori guy and white girl were in a pub, completely plastered. They were
getting along quite well with each other, so the girl asked the guy back to
her appartment.
Once there, they took off all their clothes, and the girl gave the guy a
rope, pointed to the bed, and said, "Tie me up, turn me over, and do what
you Maori boys do best".
So the Maori dude tied her up, turned her over, put his clothes on -- and
walked out with her TV!!
From Wayne in the US (???) ...
What do you get when you cross a rottweiler, a dobermann and a German
shepherd?
......................a predominantly white area!!
From Paul in the UK ...
A guy is hanging out in his favourite bar when he spots a gorgeous girl on
the arm of an ugly old businessman. He asks the bartender about her and is
surprised to discover that she is a prostitute. He watches her for the rest
of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The following night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. He finally plucks up courage and approaches
her.
"Is it true that you're a prostitute?"
"Why sure, what can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno, what do you charge?"
"I get 100 for a handjob, we can negotiate from there."
"100! Just for a handjob. Are you mad?"
"You see that Ferrari parked outside?, I paid cash for that, with just the
money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with
her and gets the most unbelievable experience he has ever had. This handjob
was better than any complete sexual experience he'd had in his miserable
life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up.
When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"last night was incredible!"
"Just wait till you try one of my blowjobs."
"How much is that?"
"$500"
"500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"
"You see that apartment building across the street? Well, I paid cash for
that with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the previous night, he decides to go for it. They leave together,
and once again he is not disappointed. The experience is so good that he
nearly passes out.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm
hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what will it cost to go all the way?"
She takes him to the door and points down the street towards Manhattan
Island.
"You see that island?"
"No, you can't mean that!"
She nods her head.
"Yes ... If I were really a woman, I'd own that island!"
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------------------------------------
The England Board of Selectors have just announced their choice for Mike
Atherton's replacement as Captain of England.
They have chosen Paula Yates.
This is due to the fact that she is the only English person who has been to
Australia, fucked the Aussies AND brought back the Ashes!
From Derek in Oz ...
Mike in the Marshall Islands forgot the biggest Oxymoron of all:
Japanese cooking!!
From Juliet in Oz ...
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions.
When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the
armrest.
They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing
gloves pops out of Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.
Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few
minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks
him in the groin.
Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the
talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under
the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.
Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "'We'll continue
this talk next week in the White House" says the President. Saddam, choking
from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.
A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits
down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button,and ducks
really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Clinton from
laughing... really loudly.
After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another
button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing
happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.
Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been
harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes
Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but
Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.
Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts:
"I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"
(Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
Elton John's tribute to Linda Macartney?
Cancer in the Wings
Paul McCartney's tribute?
Liver let die
Tina Turner's tribute?
Simply the Breast
What eats vegetarian and hates vivisection?
Linda McCartney's cancer
Linda's first words in Heaven..
"So John, you still think you're bigger than Jesus Christ?"
What did John Lennon say to Linda when they met at the Pearly Gates?
Whew, someone told me it was supposed to be Yoko. Thank God it's you.
I wonder if they will cremate her or just bury her raw?
What was Linda's sign?
Cancer.
Paul's re-writing lyrics to 'Eleanor Rigby':..
Linda McCartney
Died of a tumor and buried along with her name
Nobody came
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart.
Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody
condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?"
Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
First man, "Want to come camping then, sweetie?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
A man has been going out with this chick for 2 years, and he has never
touched her in his life.
One night she gets really pissed off with this (cos she's a bit of a randy
mare at the best of times) and says to him, "Why haven't you ever shagged
me? We've been going out for 2 years now and all you have done is kissed me
and touched my tits!!"
He looks scared and replies, "Well, when I was 6 my mum told me that a
girl's fanny had teeth and would bite my dick off if it came near"
She laughed like a drain and led him into the room, pulled up her skirt and
showed him her eager beaver.
"See", she said, "it doesn't have any teeth!!!"
"Well", he replied, "I'm not fucking surprised with gums like that!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and
therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships
because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her
inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she
decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher
and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides
that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the
slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST
time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and
fall asleep in each other's arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs
and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up
an old maid."
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen
table.....
"Dear Annie,
Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you
are WONDERFUL!
Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get
together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill
(P.S. Your cunt's in the sink)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one
goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing
you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here
again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant
replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out,
cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As the second guy is leaving, he warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever
you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear
thing."
"Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told,
"Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."
The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was
flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"
The applicant answered, "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses,
you've got no fuckin' ears!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into his tepee. He announces
that he has decided on names for them all as they are all coming of age and
have passed the required tests.
The Chief sits his sons down with the elders of the tribe and passes the
peace pipe around.
'Son number one - you shall be known as......'
Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.' The chief continues,
'Son number one - you shall be known as Eagle'
Son number one asks why.
'As you will be strong and precise in battle - fearing no others - the
elders agree.'
The peace pipe is passed to son number two.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall be known as Swallow.'
Son number two asks why.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues talking to son number two. 'Because you will be swift
and silent - surprising your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'
The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three - you shall be known as
Thrush.'
Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?'
'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the elders agree'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also
the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir,
but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a
previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up
a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The
blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes
that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The
cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him
a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner
again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni
and chesse with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time
the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary,
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary
complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork
ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey!
I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
From Bill in Canada ...
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she
went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of
delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by
repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a
gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press
conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your
newly-painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord I'm not
a gynaecologist.'"
From Mike in the US(????) ...
What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?
Pilot error
From Sam in LA ...
Shit
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English
language.
Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for
brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place
for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy
shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat
shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is
bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse
shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit,
limp shit. You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit
marbles, or shit your guts out.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the
fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plane shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and
good shit. Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like
shit.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower
than shit. Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit
everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all. You
can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a
lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit,
have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit
creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump
shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.
There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you
really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on
the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block
of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but
rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the
toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know
anything else!
(I'm too old for this shit! -- BB)
From "Smeghead" in the UK ...
What is the definition of a best mate?
One who goes down town, has two blow jobs, comes back -- and gives you
one!!!
From "ezyridr" in ???? ...
(This is purported to be a true story, from HR Block's files.)
Dear Sirs,
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children for years. They are evil and
expensive.
It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the
government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows
something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply
next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they
are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her. I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now
be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in
mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate
decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the
vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a
boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues of abstinence. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved
you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day
if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in
the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his
friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to
the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on
a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out
a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and his friends
have raging hormones. This is a house of testosterone and it will be much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or
telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable
amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers])
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's
quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have
helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of
valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It
added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you
can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free. If you take the two
oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon
as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
"Bob"
Note: The taxpayer in question was allowed the deductions.
From "Pennstdad" in the USA ...
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Nurse
Now you tell me he's allergic to Penicillin!
Not to worry Doctor, we're moving his room-mate into isolation as soon as a
bed opens up.
Type A, Type B, what's the diff. It all does the same thing.
Man, I was the ultimate party animal last night, I don't how I'm gonna keep
everything straight today.
I know sir..but we are going to have to bathe it...... grown man like you
peeing thru the spokes......oh it does look painful. No, no it won't hurt.
Id better move this away so you don't hit your head......................
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Famous Last Words
I'm telling you son, this is perfectly safe.
-William Tell
Bolsheviks? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ack.
-Czar Nicholas
There are no such things as drag...CRUNCH
-St. George
Whaddya mean do I have a light?
-Joan of Arc
(Ha-so? What the fu' was that?? --- Mayor of Hiroshima -- BB)
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You know you're Asian if...
- Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm, your dad is some sort of
engineer
- Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were
12 when you were really 15
- You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're
still lecturing
- You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
- Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your
ancestors were from
- You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life
- Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids
- You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian
women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library
- Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
- You drive mostly Japanese cars
- You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom
- You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs
- You've started a joke with "Confucius say . . . "
- You know what bok choy is
- You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February
- Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet
doors
- You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you.
(e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!)
- You have NO eyelashes
- Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages,
like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc .
- Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin
- The Biology lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was
last night's dinner
- Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher
- At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
- Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight
to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more."
- Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in
any given area as long as they are Asian
- An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well
then, is it your sister?"
- Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both your parents
say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"
- Everyone thinks you're good at math
- Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and ah's"
- You like $1.75 movies
- You like $1.00 movies even more
- Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with
fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great
colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green
- Your parents insist you marry within your race
- You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation
oriental food
- You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay
away from it
- Your parents have never kissed you
- Your parents have never kissed each other
- You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your
parents
- "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"
- People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate
- You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."
- You have 12+ aunts and uncles
- At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your
beverage and NEVER order dessert - Your parents simply cut the green/black
part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
- The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick
glasses.
- You will most likely be taller than your parents
- Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both
- You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
- When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift
- Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with
the blue and pink stripes at the top
- Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both
- Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael
Chang)
- The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the
decorations or any of the rest of the furniture
- You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in
your pantry for use as medicine
- You own a rice cooker or two
- You buy soy sauce by the gallon
- Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head
- Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school,
how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they
still appreciated going
- Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow
into it" and wear it "for years to come."
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EVIDENCE THAT OUR WORLD IS FULL OF COMPLETE IDIOTS
1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off
each other's heads.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed
its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the
job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a
chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book
about Swedish economic evolutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be
copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a
worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the cover closed.
Police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.
11. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted by a belligerent
passenger. Here's the story: During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton
airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed
his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and demanded,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent
replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He repeated his request and then asked
loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea
who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the United
gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and
swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,
sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as
the people in the terminal applauded.
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-------------------------------------
A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from
the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she
found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father gave me the
ultimatum of either marrying you or going to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"I would have been released tonight!"
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-----------------------------------------
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out
some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the
male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there
any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season
pass?"
From Joanne in Pennsylvania ...
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the
sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"There are three types," replies the clerk. "The Catholic type, the
Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asks, "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the
masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type
makes mountains out of molehills."
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------------------------------------
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display:
The first has a picture of Jimmy Carter with a white mustache. Below the
picture is the title, "Got Milk".
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache.
It is entitled "Forgot milk".
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache
on it. It is entitled "Not Milk".
What are the world's three greatest lies?
(a)Your cheque is in the mail
(b)Small is beautiful
(c)Of course I won't come in your mouth!!
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-----------------------
A man, a pig and a dog are washed up on the shore of a deserted island after
the ship they were on sank at sea. Soon they get into a routine living in a
thatch hut, eating coconuts and fish, and every evening the three of them
walked to the beach and watched for passing ships and admired the sunset.
One evening the sunset was particularly beautiful and the man was feeling
lonely and romantic so he put his arm around the pig.
Immediately the dog started to growl so the man quickly took his arm off the
pig. After a few more months a gorgeous woman washed up on shore, almost
dead. The three nursed her back to health and she became part of the group,
going each evening to the beach to watch for passing ships and see the sun
set.
On the evening of a particularly beautiful sunset the man was again feeling
lonely and romantic, so he leaned close to the woman and whispered throatily
in her ear:
"Do me a favour, willya ...take the dog for a walk!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Question: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Patient!!
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----------------------------------------------------
A lesbian factory worker returned home after an industrial accident.
'Honey,' she told her girlfriend. 'I severed my finger at work'
'Oh no!' gasped her lover. 'Not the whole finger?'
'No, no,' the injured dyke replied. 'The one next to it'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
Question: What's the difference between a muff-dive and a speed-trap?
Answer: With a muff-dive you always have a clear view of the cunt!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
SHUT-UPS!!....
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Grandma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas...
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! It's dark down here!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! I'm getting dizzy.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot down!
Mommy, Mommy! Why am I so ugly?
Shut up kid and comb your face.
From Simon in Oz ...
Top 15 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Work
1. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that
time-management course you sent me to."
3. "I was working smarter -- not harder."
4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
8. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
9. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
work!"
12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem."
14. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
15. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
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An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and
says, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!". The madam
immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best callgirl they
have for him. Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with
his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the
bed.
He then says," My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years,
and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!"
Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and
asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been
in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT
EASE!!".
His penis immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for
another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and
body DICK, ATTEN-HUN!!". (A raging hard-on once again.) He follows this
display of prowess with the command of DICK, AT EASE. (His penis goes limp
once again.)
The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration
yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in
the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK,
ATTEN-HUN!!".
His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "
DICK, AT EASE!!".
The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He
says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier: DICK, AT EASE!!".
Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming,
and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!!".
No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells "Goddammit!!" and moves to the
side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks "What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order -- and I'm
giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"
From Arf in ???? ...
A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual
there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was
dancing nude and and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself
out.
Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination,
the emergency room physician told them that their friend's condition was
stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury
was complicated but in layman terms, "He had broken his prick". They
shouldn't worry though, because he had supported the injured part with 4
tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.
The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any
problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed
when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, "Come and get it,
Honey, it's all yours. I'm untouched by any other, this is pure virgin
wool".
The groom smiled and dropped his pyjamas as he said to her, "Yeah? Well,
check this out, Babe, still in the crate!".
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----------------------------------------------------
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first
visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl
confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or
later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt
great, but after them my cunt got really sore."
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--------------------------------------------------
A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a
scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,
slurring Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his
fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the guy asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber."
The guy said, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and
fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel
like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."
From Mike in the Marshall Islands ...
Top 47 Oxymorons
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organisation
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice-cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate
And the Number one top OXY-Moron
01. Microsoft Works
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny
was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared
that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around
the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so
gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you
have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that
rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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New Vocabulary:
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for
references to one's own name.
404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the
WWW error message "404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't
be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer
keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've
just made a big mistake.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them
stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for "Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage".
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with
no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have
snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes
off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy
facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.
Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Dancing Baloney: Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and
serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little
dancing baloney will help."
Depotophobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much
money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
leave a company or department soon.
GOOD Job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent
again.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.
Midair Passenger Exchange: Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on
collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum
rain."
PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and
Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted
numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call
them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above
is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over
everything, and then leaves.
Square-headed Girlfriend: Another word for a computer. The victim of a
square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
Telephone Number Salary: A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice
president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator
for assistance." See also Decruitment.
Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the
appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the re-boot for a Mac
II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command
key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere.
Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each,
but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THINGS YOU HAVE TO KNOW
1. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
2. The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter
on backwards.
3. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The
following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced,
thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after
falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
4. The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are
antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
5. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
uncopyrightable.
6. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as
does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
7. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
of arms for that reason. (?????????????? -- dubious BB)
8. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
9. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat,"
which means "the king is dead".
10. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
11. Camel's milk does not curdle.
12. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
13. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
14. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
15. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
16. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
17. All porcupines float in water.
18. Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
19. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he
was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
20. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
21. If you take a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall,
you are entitled to receive ?10.00 from the town.
22. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore
when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
23. Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
24. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name
of the Don McLean song.)
25. Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at
the same height as the U.S. flag.
26. The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A"
is Afghanistan.
27. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually
pass out from sheer terror.
28. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight
of all the books that would occupy the building.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby: Should I Be Honest?
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter
from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My
mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former
dentist) is in jail for 30 years for molesting most of his patients while
they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week
heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my
70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are
well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful,
sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to
marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec
souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our
kids into the family business.
But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In
your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works
for Microsoft?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------
Ready to go!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining
patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for
mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on
the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in
the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go
back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on
being a teapot."
From Ken here in Perth ...
THINGS I'VE LEARNT FROM MY CHILDREN
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20
foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does
not leak -- it explodes.
A kingsize waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4
inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Duplos will not.
"Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
Superglue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk
on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Perth has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
From Scott -- the Master of Chaos and Darkness (!!!) ...
Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was traveling along an
interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out
of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus.
When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong.
The woman replied "There's a man trying to molest me!"
The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The
driver turned to the woman and said, "You must have scared off the man when
you screamed."
The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving,
but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out
of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of
the bus.
"What's wrong now?" asked the driver.
The woman replied, "That man trying to molest me, he's under my seat!"
The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy.
The driver said to the man, "Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to
molest her."
The man replies, "No, no, no! I'm just looking for my toupee -- I thought I
had it twice but it got away both times!"
From Nick in Canberra ...
Q. Whats better than winning a gold medal at the paralympics?
A. Walking.
From Pennstdad in the USA (???) ...
American Tourism Slogans
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are
Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming:
Wynot?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,
uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually
set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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TOP TEN DR. SEUSS BOOKS THAT WERE REJECTED BY HIS PUBLISHER
10. The Cat in the Microwave
9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
7. The Fox in Detox
6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
4. Zippy the Gerbil
3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
AND THE NUMBER ONE DR. SEUSS BOOK THAT WAS REJECTED BY HIS PUBLISHER
1. Horton Hires a Ho
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------
Rules of the South... (for Yankees)
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You
have a 75% chance of being right.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent,
unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you
either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'
boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with
this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel
of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his
way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is
just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is
to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing
in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should,
therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In
either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than
Southerners living there.
In southern churches you will hear the hymn "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You
will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy, "Good Laud," and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in
the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned drive on a model of
vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position
for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
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----------------------------------------------------
A woman from Texas and a woman from New York met at a party. The woman from
Texas said to the woman from New York, "Hi! Where y'all from?"
The woman from New York replies, "Where I come from we don't end our
sentences with prepositions."
So, the woman from Texas says, "Fine! Where y'all from, Bitch?!"
From SAB in Sydney ...
A woman tells her husband that she is tired of having to handle everything
for their family.
"Really?" he replies. "You think we depend on you too much?"
"Look around!" the woman exclaims. "Not only do I do all the cooking,
cleaning and organizing, but I'm also the main problem solver. If there's a
disaster, call Mum. If there's an errand that needs to be run, call Mum. If
there's a decision, an appointment or a mess, call Mum."
"Hmmm," the man says. "What do you think we ought to do about this?"
From Nick in Zimbabwe -- a variation ...
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors. Because the poor dear is several sandwiches short of a
picnic, the other residents tolerate her eccentric behaviour, and some of
them even join in the fun.
One day Ethe is speeding along one of the corridors when a man steps out of
one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he says firmly, "Have
you got a licence for that thing?"
Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which
she hands to him with a big smile. "OK," he says, and off she goes again.
Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she finds another
man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop! Have you got a valid
tax disc for that vehicle, madam?"
Ethel digs into her handbag again and comes up with a well-used beermat,
which she presents for inspection, whereupon she is sent on her way once
more.
Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man steps out
in front of her. He is stark naked, and holding a sizeable erection in one
hand.
"Oh no," cries Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
From Oz-chic ...
"WHANK"
Starring GEORGE MICHAEL
"LOCK ME UP B 4 I BLOW BLOW"
Jitterbug
Jitterbug
Jitterbug
Jitterbug
You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your wankin starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang 'til my dick does the same
But something's bugging you
Something ain't right
My best friend told me what you did last night
Left me wankin' in in the loo
I was arrested, but I should have been arrested with you.
Lock me up before I blow blow
Don't leave me wankin on like a yo-yo
Lock me up before I blow blow
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Lock me up before I blow blow
'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo
Lock me up before I blow blow
Take me wankin tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah)
You take the semen out of my way
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day
Turned a bright spark into a flame
My beats per minute never been the same
'Cause you're an officer, I'm a wankin fool
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel
Come on, baby, let's not fight
We'll go wankin, everything will be all right
Lock me up before I blow blow
Don't leave me wankin on like a yo-yo
Lock me up before I blow blow
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Lock me up before I blow blow
'Cause I'm not plannin' on blowin solo
Lock me up before I blow blow
Take me wankin tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah, baby)
(Jitterbug)
(Jitterbug)
Clench up, baby, move in tight
We'll go wankin tomorrow night
It's cold out there, but it's warm in bed
They can wank, we'll give head instead
(Jitterbug)
Lock me up before I blow blow
Don't leave me wankin on like a yo-yo
Lock me up before I blow blow
I don't want to miss it when you hit that high
Lock me up before I blow blow
'Cause I'm not plannin' on wankin solo
Lock me up before I blow blow
Take me wankin tonight
Lock me up before I blow blow, don't you dare to leave me wankin on like a
yo-yo
Take me wankin
(Boom-boom-boom)
From Adam in Victoria ...
It was a stinking hot day, so three young blokes decided to take the day off
school and go surfing. They grabbed their boards and were wading out to the
big waves when they came across this short, balding man struggling to keep
his head above water. The boys grabbed the man's hand just before he went
under and safely carried him back to the beach. When they got him out of the
water they realised it was the Prime Minister, John Howard, they had saved.
Mr Howard said: "Thank you boys so much for saving my life. To show my
appreciation I'd like to do something special for all of you, what are your
career aspirations?"
The first boy replied: "I really want to become a doctor, do you think you
could get me into a top class medical school?"
"No problems" replied the prime minister, "I'll organise a scholarship for
you as soon as I can".
The second boy said: "I've been training for years to become a cyclist, I
really want to represent Australia at the Sydney Olympics, do you think you
could get me a spot at the Australian Institute of Sport?"
"Of course" said the prime minister "You'll be training at the AIS by the
end of the week."
"And what can I do for you?" Mr Howard said to the third boy.
"Well Mr Howard, I would really appreciate it if you could arrange a State
Funeral for me."
A shocked look came over the PM's face: "A State fueneral? Son you're only
17 years old, you have your whole life ahead of you, you're fit and healthy,
why would you be thinking about your funeral now?"
"I may be fit and healthy now" said the boy, "but wait 'til I get home and
tell my old man who's life I saved!".
(I'd kill all three of the little bastards!!! -- BB)
From Nifty Swan in Victoria ...
Q. What does AIDS stand for?
A. Another Infected Dick Sucker.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Did you hear O.J.Simpson is getting married again?
A. He wanted to have another stab at it.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her
birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked
Q. What's the difference between a police car and a pair of knickers ?
A. You can only fit one cunt in a pair of knickers.
Q. What would you do if you came across Mike Tyson?
A. Wipe it off --- quickly!!!
Q. What did Yul Brynner say to Freddy Mercury in heaven?
A. So the fags got you too !!
Q. What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A. Nice tits!
Q. Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
A. The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it
off!
From John in Queensland ...
Have you heard about the Irish weightifter who thought that the "Clean and
Jerk" was taking a shower and having a wank??
From Henry in the US (???) ...
It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
As you know, these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool
(thankfully).
The 1997 nominees are: (drum roll please)
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to
repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to
drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could
ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the
driveshaft."
NOMINEE #3 [Hickory Daily Record 12/21/92]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, NC., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed,he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #4 [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24
floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #5 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death
of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It
was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his
sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had
he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal.
But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the
article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly
gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE #6 [1/29/96 The News of the weird.]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had
spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder
conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March
1989,sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small
TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE #7 ["The Indianapolis Star", Wed., Dec. 4, 1996].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk,Indiana.
A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of muzzle
loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face,
sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents'
rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
.54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the
lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #8 [AP, St. Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it
in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE #9 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE #10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew
off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry
Stromyer,24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late
Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. 'Another man had it in an aquarium,
hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't
go off and this guy said, I'll show you how to set it off. "
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #11!!! [Arkansas Democrat Gazette], July 25,1996:
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road
and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday
morning. Woodruff County deputy Covey Snyder reported the accident shortly
after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis,
38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical
Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after
a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck
headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on
the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the
two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After
traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the
bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and
striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis
sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we
might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in
this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that
those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
From Tripod in Canberra ...
Q: What would you call a mushroom with a nine-inch stalk?
A: A fun-gi to have around!
From Bill in Canada ...
Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter...
Sex in a boat -- oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd -- dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house -- door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum -- floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket -- store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute -- whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant -- bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping -- snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke -- poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion -- roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end -- sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course -- fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac -- more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine -- ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist -- pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers -- s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter -- toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword -- zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach -- shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet -- smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck -- shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature -- outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can -- odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train -- 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying -- 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater -- hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention -- ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner -- score-gasms.
Sex while flying -- soar-gasms.
Let's start with J-P in Seth Effrica ...
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his
bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah".
The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."
The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The cop smiles and says, "Yeah."
The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the prick underneath the
horse, instead of on top!"
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Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to a Woman's Stupid Questions.....
1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking icecream and
chocolate you eat that makes you look fat!
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow!
6. Well, yes, actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your fucking friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you
after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno movie
10.Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to fuck it!
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Q : What would happen if the earth spun 30 times faster than it does now?
A : Every day would be payday and all the women in the world would bleed to
death!!!!!!!!!!
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HERE'S A QUICK QUIZ FOR THE "GENTLE"MEN....
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
(a) Lovemaking
(b) Screwing
(c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both
shared:
(a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
(b) Your blood-test results
(c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
(a) Your partner climaxes first
(b) You both climax simultaneously
(c) You don't miss "Sport at 7.00"
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
(a) Healthy, creative love-play
(b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
(c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
(a) The best part of the experience
(b) The second best part of the experience
(c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
(a) No concern of yours
(b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
(c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
(a) A myth
(b) An oxymoron
(c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
(a) Appetiser is to entree
(b) Priming is to painting
(c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the
end of a relationship?
(a) "I hope we can still be friends."
(b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
(c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
(a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy
(b) Is uptight and a waste of time
(c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times:
Check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times:
Check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times:
Give me a call and let's get on the piss!!
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---------
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!!
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat,eggs, blowjob?
A: The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs,or your meat; but you just
can't beat a blowjob.
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There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with
each other in 10th grade.
When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl
was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west
coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could
together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home,
and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return her letters. Even when he
e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take
this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win
back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she
wanted to get him off her back. So what she did is this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's dick and sent
it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave
me alone".
Needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed
off. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the
following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send
more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.
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----------
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!
ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate
him!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------
Q : Why do they put cotton wool on the tops of medicine bottles?
A : To remind the drug dealers that they were once slaves.
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-----------------
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human
experience could be found there, without exception.
After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he
would look it up.
The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and
showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
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---------------------
100 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Woman!
(I guess we asked for this!! -- BB, SNAG!!)
1. We can get sex anytime we want
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. We urinate sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when
you're drunk
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. Men take us on all-expense-paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with
them
11. Men light our cigarettes for us
12. Men hold the door open for us
13. We pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. We're cuter
15. We lie better
16. We're better manipulators
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other
halves - you guys get the couch
18. We always have food in the fridge
19. We don't worry about losing our hair
20. We always get to choose the movie
21. We don't have to mow the lawn
22. We don't have to take out the garbage
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. Cosmopolitan 26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig
ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. PMS is a legal defence for murder
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time, ya can walk all over
them forever.
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.
31. Two words - "multiple orgasms"
32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. Sweat is sexy on us
34. We never run out of excuses
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be
having it that often
36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the movie too
37. We get expensive jewellery as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men screw-up so
often
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the
corner
40. Women are cleaner
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know).
42. We're better arguers
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. We're flexible
49. When women get mad we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just
take it out on the world in general because we can
50. Menopause - thank God we're not capable of having children after we're
50
51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. Men in uniform
53. There is no penis envy
54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because
there's no messy clean-up
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain
57. We often get to cut in line
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T
59. Better tips
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do
it, it's rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilised eating - we don't embarass our friends or
make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell
disgusting - thank God for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or
carrying our books anytime we want
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. Men will pay us for sex
67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. Men may fantasise about having sex with more than one woman at a time,
but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
70. Men walk on the side of the footpath closest to the road so that if a
car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. Women sweat less
72. Women smell better
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on
flowers or cards - sex fixes all
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves and rapists
75. Women don't get the humour in The Three Stooges
76. Women have three accessible holes
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. We're better gossips
79. We have better fashion sense
80. We're better shoppers
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. Men dont know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell
you)
84. We're all sitting on a goldmine - we know it and use it to our extreme
advantage
85. We don't have to drive when on a date
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become
presentable - ugly men are just ugly men.
87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn"
line
88. Women know how to fake it
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. When women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just
short
92. Women do less time for violent crime
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh-huh, yep
... ok, then ... bye"
96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. Women never have to see combat
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. Women are sexier
....and the 100th reason it's better to be a woman - this one is definitely
worthy of reiteration:
100. We can get sex ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!
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---------------------------
I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much
time with my computer. The first clue was when I noticed that my right hand
is now permanently cramped into the famous "Microsoft Mouse" position.
The second hint was a little more tragic . . .
As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be
to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it
(having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped). I heard
a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the
bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
About a month ago, Mr Nelson Mandela, President of SA, was out looking for a
callgirl.
He found three such girls in a bar - a blond, a brunette and a redhead.
He approached the blond and said: "I'm the President of SA and how much
would it cost me to spend a night with you?"
She replied, "R 300.00, Sir"
He made the same proposition to the brunette and her reply was, "R500.00,
Sir".
Then he asked the redhead. Her reply was: "Mr President, if you can raise my
skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as the wages, get your
prick as hard as the times, keep it hard for as long as I have to wait in
line in the post office, keep me warmer than my apartment, and screw me the
way you do the public, believe me, Mr President, it ain't going to cost you
a fucking cent!"
From Jed in Oz ... one sick puppy!
Q: What's the most disgusting thing about eating bald pussy?
A: Getting the damn nappy back on!!!
Q: Why aren't Jews good at picking up kids in the park?
A: Would you be enticed by someone offering to sell you lollies?
This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this sweet
thing, she turned to the guy and said, "Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to
think I would let you fuck me on the first date?" To which the bloke
responded, "Presumptuous, now that's a big word for a first grader!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------
Two children, one white and the other a black kid die and are standing at
the Pearly Gates when they are both approached by St Peter.
St Peter looks at the white kid and says "Come into heaven, and go to the
first door to the right and pick up your wings"
The white kid looks up excitedly and says "Does this mean I'm an angel?" and
St Peter smiles and says yes.
St Peter then stands in front of the black kid, and rudely says "Get in, go
to the first door on the left, pick up your wings and report directly back
to me!"
With that, the black kids eyes lit up, and he says to St Peter "Does that
mean I'm an angel?"
And St Peter says "No ... you’re a blowfly!!!!!!"
From Karen in the USA (Cape Cod??) ...
This woman goes to a truck yard to get a job as a truck driver in
construction. The head guy says: "I don't know lady ... you'll be the first
woman. Before I can hire you I'll have to see if you fit in with the guys.
I have three questions for you...
1. "Do you drink?"
She replies: "At least a six pack a day"
2. "Do you swear?"
She replies: "Shit yeah, all the damn time!"
"OK, then, I got only one more question ... you ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
She replies: "No -- but I've been swung around by my tits a few times!"
From Carlos in The Netherlands ...
A black man walks into an employment office and says he wants a job. The man
behind the desk says: "Well, I just got in a great job which would be
perfect for you."
The black man asks what the job is about. "Well," says the clerk, "you'll
get your own office, a huge Mercedes company car, a 3 million dollar annual
salary, you'll get three beautiful secretaries and you'll practically only
have to make decisions."
"Wow! That sounds great!" the black man says. "What kind of a job is it?".
"You will be the president of the oil company, Shell," says the clerk.
"You must be joking!!" says the black man.
"Well, yeah," says the clerk. "But you started it!!"
From Pegleg in ???????? ...
I am an EMT and worked on an ambulance in Trenton for a few years. One of
the places that we were frequently called to was a nursing home in town. We
were there so much that we got to know all the staff and even some of the
patients pretty well....especially John. John was "with it" but just a
little too old to live alone and take care of himself. Over time he got to
know some of our faces, including mine, and would always say hello when he
saw us coming down the hall.
Well, one day, as we're picking up a patient I saw John walking down the
hall with a really depressed look on his face and I asked him, "What's the
matter, John?"
John's response was, "My dick died."
I said "What?"
His response once again was, "My dick died."
I was in a hurry and didn't have time to chat about it so I just said that I
was sorry to hear it and kept going.
A few days later we were back in the nursing home again for another patient
when I see John walking down the hall and I noticed that he is "exposed."
I said, "Do you feel a draft John?"
And he just looked puzzled and said, "What?"
I leaned over so as not to embarrass him and said, "John, your penis is
hanging our of your pajamas."
He looked at me and said, "Well, I told you my dick died, right?"
And I said, "Yeah."
His response was, "Well, today's the viewing!"
From Torsten in Sweden (a variation on an oldie) ...
HOW TO USE THE F-WORD
Dismay: Oh! Fuck it!
Aggression: Fuck You!
Passive: Fuck Me
Command: Go Fuck Yourself!
Incompetence: He's a Fuckup
Laziness: He's a Fuckoff
Ignorance: He's a Fucking jerk
Trouble: I guess I'm Fucked now
Confusion: What the Fuck!
Despair: Fucked again
Philosophical: Who gives a Fuck?
Denial: You ain't Fucking me
Rebellion: Fuck the world
Annoyance: Don't Fuck with me!
Encouragement: Keep on Fucking
Etiquette: Pass the Fucking salt
Fraud: I get Fucked by my insurance agent
Difficulty: I can't understand this Fucking business
Ugliness: You are one dumb-looking Fuck!
Agreement: You are so Fucking right
Benevolence: Don't do me any Fucking favours!
From Patto in Coolgardie (West Oz) ...
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS
NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he
smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver
says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him
a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls
out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did
that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a licence, he
says.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the
freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the
computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the
nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.
So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts
blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer
comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver says "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure they are," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!!!"
From Henry in the USA (???) ...
Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing --- yet.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Q: Did you hear why it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto
to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the
field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly
continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung
herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began
to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and
he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the
river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all
and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five
times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son
agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he
too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If
you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to
satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect,
and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the
mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right
if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell,
why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly
agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times
in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row
won't kill you like it did the cow?"
From John in the USA (??) ...
A newlywed couple, both virgins, on their wedding night...
When the man went down on the woman, the stench was overpowering...
He told his new bride, "Honey, I read in a magazine that they have a product
called a douche that you can use to take care of the smell down there".
The girl said, "Okay, I'll see what I can find".
The next night in bed the man goes down on her again, and same as last
nite...Whew...
"Honey, I thought you were going to look into a douche"?
She says, "I did ... I went to the drugstore and sure enough they had all
kinds of scents ... strawberry and grape and flowery..."
He said, "Well, what kind did you buy?"
She says, "Tuna fish!"
From "BANDIT DVR" in ?????? ...
What do you call a policewoman with a shaven pussy?
Cuntstubble!
From Michael in the USA (quite universal this one!!) ...
US Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines
frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done
by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear
not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding
test as a valid form of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the
Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above
that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because
I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the
other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around
me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact. After
completion of my (snicker) "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne
Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort
to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I
will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good),
will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent to
never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun
of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.
___________________________________________
Signature
Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into
the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy
won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and
tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing
straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day, even when I have a
date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine
because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only
action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different
Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I
left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am
cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home
because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a
better-looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to
take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to
the "company." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in
construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about
the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because
I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God.
___________________________________________
Signature
Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that
I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen
SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the
rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover,
and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride
in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else
for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make
absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs
every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to
the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon,
and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for
Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly
illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
___________________________________________
Signature
Date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear ... uuhhhh ... high-and-tight... (grunt)
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.
_________________________________________
Thumbprint
Date (Y/N)
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A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'definitely' in a sentence?"
First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be gray, or even orange,
depending on the weather."
Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.
Little Jessica, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart
have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Jessica! That's disgusting. Of
course not!!!"
"OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants," said Jessica.
From Mick in (Oz??) ...
Q. How do Abos get their wedding photos done?
A. Stand in the back of the ute, and run a red light!
From "Pennstdad" in USA?? ...
REMEMBER WHEN ...
A COMPUTER was something on TV from a science fiction show
A WINDOW was something you hated to clean
And RAM was the cousin of a goat
MEG was the name of a girl
And GIG was a middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA BYTES
An APPLICATION was for employment
A PROGRAM was a TV show
A CURSOR used profanity
A KEYBOARD was a piano
MEMORY was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3" FLOPPY
You hoped no one found out
COMPRESS was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you UNZIPPED anything in public
You'd go to jail awhile
LOG ON was adding wood to the fire
HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road
A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived
And a BACKUP happened to your commode
CUT you did with a pocket knife
PASTE you did with glue
A WEB was where a spider lived
And a VIRUS was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the MEMORY in my head
I hear no one's killed in a COMPUTER CRASH
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
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Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make
love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her
reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand..
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on
me for the last 5 years?"
"Honey, let me explain..."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to
explain our three kids."
From Rob in Seth Effrika ...
Two fags were standing at the urinals taking a piss. One looked over at the
other one and said, "Hey, sweetie is that a bandaid on your wonkie?"
The other said "It's not a bandaid, it's a patch.... I'm down to two butts a
day!"
From Simon in Oz ...
A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other
day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on,
but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot
got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the
ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or
even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness ....
.... the shopping mall manager came out and unplugged it!
From Ben and Luke in Oz ...
A Pakistani Aussie citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't
feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, he has a headache. Just feels
terrible.
The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel
the way he does. He offers a homeopathic approach that he has seen work
before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he
has to go home, shit and piss into a plastic bag and leave it in his
basement for a week.
"Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work."
The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day,
though, his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an
overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he
feels no better.
He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says, "Go down and take three big
deep breaths directly from the bag and you will be cured."
"You're crazy!" comes the reply.
"Trust me," says the doctor.
Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and
choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, the feels the headache
leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even
tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news.
"I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the
doctor. "You were just homesick!"
From Sean in Ontario ...
A guy walks into a pub in Dublin, goes up to the bar and orders three pints
of Guinness. He takes his 3 pints and finds a table in the corner all by
himself. He then proceeds to take a sip out of each pint, continuing to
drink the beer like this until all 3 are finished. He then walks up to the
bar and orders 3 more beers, the barman looks at him strangely and tells him
that the pints will be more enjoyable and fresher if he drinks them one at a
time. The gentlemen thanks the bartender for the advice, but explains that
there is a reason he drinks like this. He tells the barman that he has two
brothers, one lives in Australia, one lives in Canada, and every week they
all go to a bar in their country order 3 pints, and this is how they share a
"long distance" drink together. The barman thinks about this, and says "Fair
Enough", and pours the man 3 more pints.
So for the next couple of months the man continues to come into this pub
once a week, and have his "long distance" drink with his brothers.
One day he walks in and goes up to the bar and orders two pints, takes his
usual seat and goes about drinking the two beers. He then goes up to the bar
and orders two more. The barman pours the pints. He then gives the man his
condolences for the lose of his brother. The man looks quizzically at the
bartender, then smiles. He says, "Oh, you've got it wrong, both my brothers
are just fine", he then goes on to explain - "I just quit drinking!".
From Lee in Geelong ...
A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking itchy
balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his
eyes.
The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your ugg boots"
From Roy in Sydney ...
Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives.
"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his
buddy replied.
"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"
"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this.....I sit up 'n' beg, then
she rolls over and 'plays dead'."
From Peggi in the USA ...
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him
and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see this
lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick house.
She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the
refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she
gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under her
trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and
substituted my dick.
"It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then someone
knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it
under the stove!"
From Dave in Perth ...
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle
me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the
boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she
would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed
into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it
down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to
find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but
she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was
sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on
the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each
doll Two----Test----Tickles."
From Ken in Perth ...
You Know the Computer Belongs to a Redneck if....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. The monitor is up on blocks.
12. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
13. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
14. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with dueling banjos
playing in the background.
15. The six front keys have rotted out.
16. And there are John Deer Pocket Protectors lying around.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS:
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the Pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the Year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
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----------------------------------
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately,
though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm
sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life
easier. So one day I simply asked the snackbar clerk at a movie theater for
a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like
a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
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---------------------------------
The Pharoah was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the
stone tablet. "I have plans . . . to form," the monarch said slowly, "a
personal bodyguard . . . of stalwart . . and virile . . . young men."
The chips flew, but then suddently ceased flying, and the perspiring
chiseler looked up inquiringly, "Excuse me, your Majesty, but is "virile"
spelled with one or two testicles?"
From Mike in the Marshall Islands ...
You might be a teacher if...
(As an ex-chalkie, I love this -- BB)
You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
You find humour is other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your
holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the
kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and
correct their behavior.
Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being
allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of
doing your job.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give
a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid
like this?"
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-----------------------
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens
and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but
it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I
hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a
limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the
airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the
middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air
Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry
my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much
trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You
won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room,
and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White
House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "That's nice. The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one."
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-------------------------------
The following beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
students' essays, exams, and classroom discussions.
* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet
in one second.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions.
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun,
it is really only centrificating.
* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.
* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to
go.
* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be
oil.
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. (Mmmmm ... like
my scotch bottle?? -- BB)
* H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.
* In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a
dog's tongue will kill the strongest man. * Isotherms & isobars are even
more important than their names sound.
* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live
other places.
From Phil in Oz ...
Q: What have Princess Di, Mother Theresa, and Michael Hutchence got to be
thankful for?
A: At least they get to see the next John Denver concert!
From Steve in Melboring ... Melbourne ...
A man walks into a department store, and as he does, a perfume girl asks him
to try some perfume.
The man tries some and says, "Hey, that's not too bad, what's it called?"
The perfume lady says, "Come to Me"
The man smells it again and says, "Yeah? Well it doesn't smell like cum to
me!!"
From Arf in Zimbabwe ...
We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our
"Wooden" Anniversary."
Yeah, I asked her to blow me, and she "wooden".
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------------------------------------
This girl I know told me she was so horny her own tongue's starting to feel
good in her mouth.
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--------------------------------
My Girl Is So Big....
Her clit has a knee.
She took off all her clothes, lay in bed, spread her legs... I said to
myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change."
She was always fat.....She was born an only twin.
She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the Tusk Fairy.
She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger.
Her last gynecologist quit........He was afraid of the dark.
I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on...
Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the
sidewalks too close to her ass.
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------------------------------------------
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts
her class by saying, Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Johnny?"
No, ma'am," he says, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
Let's start with J-P in Seth Effrica ...
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you
will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you
should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our
lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is
a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and
the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at
that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers
that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day
for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it
really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh,
taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that
you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The
house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure
you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so
you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in
order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way
you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we
are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us
while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
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-----------------------
A man goes into a chemist's and starts talking to the pharmacist. The
pharmacist asks the guy if he has seen the shop's newest product, The
Artificial Vagina.
The man doesn't believe the pharmacist so the pharmicist takes one out from
behind the counter and shows it to him.
"Bloody hell! It looks just like one"
"Give it a real test, just smell it."
"Wow! It smells just like one!"
"A final test - just feel it."
"I can't believe it, it feels just like a real one, I'll buy it!"
"Should I wrap it up?"
"No, I'll eat it here."
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Actual Business Signs
=====================
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one
just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've
got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
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---------------
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or
whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it!" the man replied.
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Way down south, there's a Baptist minister of a large congregation.
One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he says, "Friends, I have
been hearing nasty rumours!"
The crowd falls into an expectant silence.
"One of you, my faithful followers, has been saying that I am a member of
the Ku Klux Klan. This is not true! I am now asking that the guilty party
confess and apologize here before my flock."
Just then Sister Margaret stood up and said, "Preacher, I don't know how
this came to be. All I said was that you're a wizard under the sheets."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Remember when Clinton used to play the saxophone?
Well he is over that now -- he has decided to play the Whoremonica!!!
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-------
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork
in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing
out.
He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit!"
From Ken in Oz
* DOCTOR WRITINGS *
A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts
during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by
various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two
at several major hospitals.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out
of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no
distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and,
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per
cent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------
I got this from a friend and found it to be quite funny. We all know those
cute little computer symbols called "emoticons" where :) means a smile and
:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass cons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo..
. oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o.
. o" 'o" "o
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o.
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --0-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
"o o o
o'" o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
"o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,,..oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
'o oo o'
*o oo o
'o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o
o
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------
Nebraska Bashing
How do you get an Nebraska graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------
The Nebraska basketball team was placed in a remedial English class.
"Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics,"
the professor explained. "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?" All
of the players raised their hands.
"The appeal!" they all shouted with pride.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------
Why do Nebraska students put their report cards in their car windows?
So they can get the handicap spot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
Why doesn't Nebraska have ice on the sidelines?
The guy with the recipe graduated.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------
What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Nebraska fans?
Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------
How many Nebraska freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, lightbulb changing is a sophomore class.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------
CHRISTMAS PARTY
At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke
on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone
else.
When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Lotto
ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set
up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone
wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out
(you can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!),
and left the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and
compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket
and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and
checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink, stood
up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:
"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with
my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working
for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a fucking
shit-load of money, and I'm leaving...!"
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.
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--------------------
DARWIN AWARDS FOR FEB '98
THIS MONTH's runners up...
On February 3, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This
was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of
violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction
of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public
places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee
before reporting for duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a
few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him
from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't
fire. No one else was hurt.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
MOSCOW, RUSSIA -
A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding
to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife.
It didn't and the 25 year old guard died of a heart wound.
..........AND the WINNER!!!!!!!
Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide.
He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He
tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set
fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He
jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope
above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The
sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital,
where he died of exposure.
From Rob in Seth Effrica ...
Hear about the non-blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------
What did the non-blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------
(These keep comin' -- BB)
Ahhh Women...
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will We would rather suck on a cold pickled
dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
From Billy in the USA??? ...
Why don't Indians like blowjobs?
They don't like any jobs!
What's the most confusing day on the reserve?
Father's Day
Why don't negroes marry Indians?
Their kids would be too lazy to steal
What do you say to a negro in uniform?
I'll have a Big Mac and a Coke
What do negroes say during foreplay?
"Scream and I'll kill you!"
From Mike in the Marshall Islands ...
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in
the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his
siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and
after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever
seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody
could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange
animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the
Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly
last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had
the Russian dog almost completely surrounded.
When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking
their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons
working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------
A First Grade Teacher
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A first Grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each
child in her class the first half of a proverb, then had the children
complete the phrase.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
Better be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is........................................not much.
Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you; cry
and...............................you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the plains one day, when Tonto
suddenly cocked his ear at a passing falcoln's cry. "Kemosabe... Apache to
East!" he whispered.
The Lone Ranger looked to his faithful companion. "What do we do?"
Tonto pondered a moment. "We ride West!"
After riding a short while, Tonto again paused, searching the horizon with
his eagle-sharp eyes. "Kemosabe... Apache to West!"
The Masked Man looked once again at his friend. "What should we do?"
Tonto scratched his head in thought. "We ride North!"
After a brief ride, Tonto stopped to scent the breeze. "Kemosabe... Apache
to North!"
"What do we do now?" his companion asked.
Without hesitation, Tonto replied, "We ride South!"
Within minutes, Tonto reigned in his horse and dropped to the ground.
Placing his ear to the earth, he listened intently. "Kemosabe... Apache to
South!"
Worried, the Lone One asked him, "NOW what do we do?"
Tonto thought hard for a moment, his eyes squinting in concentration. Then
his face lit up.
"What do you mean "WE", White Man?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in
the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the
evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they
deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and
brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told
them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be
when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark
circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he
had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn't you
do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?" "Of course I did,"
said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away,
paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner
sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were to walk up and
take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls his wife aside and
tells her; " Its been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful wife
and a wonderful mother to our children. No regrets".
Then she says; "Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a
wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I only have
two regrets".
Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks "What, what?".
She replies that "for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have always
been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have picked your nose".
The husband says "I can explain, I can explain. When I left the old country,
my father took me aside and told me... 'Son, whatever you do, keep your nose
clean, and don't fuck up'".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The
teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to
influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man who
ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest
man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher
replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am
looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was
the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the
civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I
was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was
the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in
astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She
then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his
lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU
know it's Moses, but business is business."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel
that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
Doctor Jokes
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he
gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs.
Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell
you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get
some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the
doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?"
"I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue
out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm
mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I
stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get
pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little
dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I
want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead
right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look
like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "Take some weight off, go to a health
club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------
Drunk Jokes A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes
to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Golf Jokes
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I
swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then,
2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
Hollywood Jokes
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?"
"$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the
wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
Homeless Guys Jokes
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said
"I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't
worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him
"Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I
asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk
to strangers."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The
bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for
my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a
martini?"
"Yes."
"Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is
concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for
a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug
"AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?",
"How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish
Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and
washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore,
the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving
him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The
little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a
3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and
you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO
was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to
get a 3-day pass?"
So we exchanged tanks!
From "Hewson" in Singapore ...
Q. If an athlete gets Athlete's Foot, what does a gynaecologist get???
A. Tunnel vision
From "Johns Chums" in ??????????? ...
What do you call four dogs and a blackbird?
The Spice Girls
(My favourite at the moment -- BB)
From Ken in Canada ...
Whats the best thing about being a paedophile?
Your dick looks really BIG in a little hand.
From Walshie in the USA ...
An attractive sexy girl goes up to the bar in a quiet rural Pub. She
gestures to the Barman in a most alluring way. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he
does so she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the Publican?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her
hands up his face and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the Barman, clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the Ladies Room"
From Glenda in Oz ...
Complete List of Blonde Jokes
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).
Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.
Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
forehead!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work
or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
*A: They are easier to keep amused.
Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.
Q: Why do blondes drive VWs?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide and seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call a room full of blondes, half with PMS, half with yeast
infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde have tyre tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come
home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too
much.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant posession.
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a
Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives
a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!!!!!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
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I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
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This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said
to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
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Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book
called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven
of the encyclopaedia...
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A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't
remember who with.
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--------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who:
had more on her body than on her mind?
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"
referred to her ears?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to
call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house is on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt
ourselves.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong
and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a
blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees
and the blonde said: "No, Ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But
he says I can't cook"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The
announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad
enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another
blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car
jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a
bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to
you!"
From Burko in Oz ...
A bus stops to let on an attractive lady who, without saying a word, steps
aboard, puts her right thumb to her nose and wiggles her fingers at the
driver.
The driver responds by putting his right thumb to his nose and his left
thumb to the palm of his right hand while wiggling his eight fingers. At
this, the woman looks confused and in silence, grabs her boobs.
The driver, growing impatient, clutches his balls, Michael Jackson-style.
The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts off the bus.
A regular passenger at the front of the bus says to the driver, "Bob, I've
been riding your bus for quite a few years now and I've never seen anything
as vulgar as this! I'm going to have to start taking a different route."
"You've got it wrong," Bob says. "That woman was deaf. She asked me if
this bus was headed for 5th Street and I said, 'No, 10th Street.' Then she
asked if it went to the Dairy Mart. I told her it went to the ball park.
Finally she said, 'Shit, I'm on the wrong bus,' and left."
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---------------------------------
The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several
rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his
room, naturally the largest in the hotel.
As they undressed, he said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the
biggest of everything."
The girl only nodded and smiled.
As they began to make love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady. What part
of Texas y'all from?"
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-------------------------------
Overworked
I'm sorry that you haven't gotten much email from me lately. It's because
I'm tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack
of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the
real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the Federal government. This leaves
19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do
the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading humor email. No wonder I'm so fuckin'
tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!
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--------------------------------
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could,
were unable to produce children. After consulting everyone who would listen
to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted
their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "God will listen to your prayers, and I am
sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning
a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle
for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work
out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15
years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While
resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of
paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.
Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his
counsel years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and
screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their
prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children
filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood
the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is
your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!" "He just left
for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out, "TO BLOW OUT THAT DAMN
CANDLE YOU LIT!"
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---------------------------------
A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired,
and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and
cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string.
He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the
country doctor.
He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks
the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleepin'
stuff, and no Novacain, or pain killers. You just start sewin' on this arm
best way you know how!"
Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every
stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the
farmer, and says, "Man, don't this hurt a lot?"
Farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life."
The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?! Here, you
done near shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitchin' it up with no pain
killers, or sleepin' stuff, and you're tellin' me this is only the third
worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much
worse than this!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin'
one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes,
dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap
snapped shut on my nuts!"
Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your nuts, and
you're tellin' me that's only the second worst pain you ever had in your
life?! Now I KNOWS there cain't be nuthin' worse than that!"
Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well you just try it when the slack in the
chain runs out!"