Attics of My Life: A Requiem for Jerry Garcia
Michael Turner
Note: I first wrote this mid-August 1995, shortly after Jerry Garcia
died. It has now been 13 years since he left the body, and yet it
feels like only yesterday that he was on stage, the LightSong of Naam
playing through his guitar. The beauty of his music is that it was
played in the eternal moment, and is as dynamic and real and present
now as it was when it first played through him. He was, and is, the
master guitarist for Jehovah's favorite choir, the Heart of Gold
Band. He, and we, will always survive.
Peace, Music and Light Eternal,
Michael Turner
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ATTICS OF MY LIFE
by Michael Turner
"I have spent my life
seeking all that's still unsung.
Bent my ear to hear the tune,
And closed my eyes to see.
When there were no strings to play,
You played to me."
- Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
Dear Friends:
When I originally started planning to write this issue of the Sonic
Spectrum, I intended it to be a reflection upon the seeds sown at the
Shabd Spiritual Unity and Freedom Conference we held in Tucson this
past July. It was the beginning of what I hoped would be the dawning
of a new era in the Shabd Yoga movement - an era in which all devotees
of the Divine Sound and Light - Radhasoamis and Eckists, ATOMs and
Ruhani Satsangis, MasterPathians and Ching Hia-ists - could come
together in brother and sisterhood, and honor each other's common love
for the Divine Word. I had it all mapped out, complete with properly
selected quotes and homilies, and was ready to write it right after I
finished the August issue. I would have been one of the easiest
editorials I had ever written.
And then, on August 9, 1995, Jerry Garcia died - and my world was
changed forever.
The words stopped flowing - and, for days, I sat in stunned silence.
The shock and depth of grief I experienced surprised me. I think it
surprised some of my students too. On called and left a message on my
answering machine asking if I was all right, saying something to the
effect that he had felt a "disturbance in the Force." A lot of dear
friends from around the country also called, expressing their
condolences, sharing their tears, grief and memories of moments of
ecstasy inspired by one of humanity's greatest musical masters.
We were just a drop of water in a wave of global mourning which I
think took even the mourners by surprise - not to mention the
international press. It wasn't like we though death was the end - for
soul is eternal. And it wasn't like we didn't know it was coming.
Those who paid attention had been concerned about Garcia's health for
years. Nearly a decade ago, when a diabetic coma nearly killed him,
tens of thousands of fans/devotees poured their love and energy into
him, each giving a little bit of hirself so that he - and the Shabd-
fueled band that provided the escape velocity thrust for his lightning
bolt guitar leads - could have a new life.
Unfortunately, this new life also resulted in an exponential increase
in fans, many of whom came to just hang out and party, and suck off
the energy, instead of feed it. And what was sadder still, many long
time fans who had come expressly to be participants in what Joseph
Campbell might have called interactive, communal, musical shamanism,
began staying away because of the increasing negative vibes, which
only added to them. As a result, the scene - which for 20 years had
been a warm, loving and joyful extended family - started becoming dark
and mean.
Through it all, Jerry Garcia maintained relatively good humor and
remarkable humility. From all reports of those who knew him, the main
reason for his heroin habit was that he needed a layer of psychic
insulation between himself and his fans - a way of achieving inner
privacy, you might say.
Some pundits have pointed to this and declared that he was "just
another dead doper." What these cynics fail to see is that Jerry's
drug addiction - while extremely negative and self- destructive - was
a very small aspect of his total being.
To those who do not understand the depth and profundity of Deadhead
grief, I would simply say: "Look at his life in its totality." The
man gave of himself untiringly. He practically lived his life on
stage, giving his all night after night. And moreover, he did so with
hardly a trace of ego or vanity. He was not a strutting guitar hero
super stud. In fact, the music he played demanded that he be the
opposite.
They're a band beyond description
Like Jehovah's favorite choir
People joining hand-in-hand
While the Music plays the band
Lord, they're setting us on fire!
Or perhaps I should say the Music played him. For the essence of his
- and the Grateful Dead's - spontaneous, improvisational approach, was
that He had to get out of the way. He had to be free of mind and ego
so as to allow the Wave of Sound and Light to flow through and take
him - and the audience - in whichever direction It chose. He - and
the rest of the band - would regularly comment ont how the "X factor"
would show up in the unlikeliest of places. It had a way of Its own.
Once in a while
You get shown the Light
In the strangest of places
If you look at it right.
In fact, it became a running joke in the band that, whenever they
tried to control It or direct It - e.g. at "important" gigs like
Woodstock, or in the studio - they could almost always be assured of
playing their worst.
So what does all of this have to do with spirituality and Surat Shabd
Yoga? Everything. The key to self-realization and the spiritual life
is learning to become an instrument to be played by the hand of God -
to be as open a conduit as possible through which the Sound Current
can flow.
Perhaps better than any popular musician in this century - and
certainly better than most professional gurus and philosophers - Jerry
epitomized this way of being. All he wanted to do was play music -
and let music play him. He didn't care if there were 60 people in the
audience, or 60,000. In fact, her preferred the former. He wasn't
after huge crowds or millions of dollars - and he didn't try to set
himself up as the world's greatest rock guru. That all happened
almost by accident. The money made and legions of fans acquired were
essentially a direct result of his - and the rest of the Grateful
Dead's - musical honesty and integrity. He, and they, were committed
to serving the Muse - the X factor - the Seventh Member - the Shabda.
That's it right there in a nutshell. The whole trip boils down to
love, devotion, and service - to God, Divine Spirit and each other.
Jerry once said that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world,
because he had such great fans. It was the audience, he said, that
allowed the Grateful Dead to exist - a viewpoint echoed by
percussionist and resident shaman Mickey Hart at Jerry's memorial
celebration in Golden Gate Park on August 13. It was an audience
which loved them, supported them and gave them the freedom to
experiment - to play open, spontaneous music and risk the occasional
failures as a price gladly paid for transcendental success.
I discovered the Grateful Dead at almost the same time I discovered
the Sound Current teachings through Eckankar. For me, my love for the
Dead's outer music, and my exploration of the inner music which
propelled them, were - and are - indistinguishable. People ask me if
I think the band can - or will - continue without Garcia singing and
playing lead guitar. My answer is that it depends upon whether the
Current is finished with them - and whether they ar willing to
continue serving It. My hunch is that It isn't done yet - and that
there is till some fresh music to be played, and universes to be
explored. But we shall see.
I'd like to close here from some appropriate line by Robert Hunter.
Until next month...Radha Jerry!
Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the River sing sweet songs
To rock my soul.
*******************************
In the Land of the Dark
The Ship of the Sun is drawn by the Grateful Dead
Yours In the LightSong of Eternal Love,
Michael Turner
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