How do you address an invitation to a widowed female?  Do you refer
to them by their husband's name (i.e. Mrs. John Doe) even though
John Doe is no longer living?  Or do you simply use their first
name (i.e. Mrs. Jane Doe)?

I would really appreciate it if someone knows the correct ettiqiette
on this matter as I have two grandmothers and several great aunts
who are widowed.

Thank You,

Becky Bishop
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Becky Bishop                     | Khoral Research Inc.
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   We had quite a few guests in this same situation and we addressed them as
   Mrs. (first name) (last name)

   That way you show respect that she is a widow, yet she has a name of her
   own.  I always thought using the deceased husbands name may cause sad
   feeling for her.  Just my thoughts!

   Maureen

I agree with using Mrs. Jane Doe for a widow. My fiance's grandmothers
(both of them) are widows (one less than a year ago), and I didn't think
they should be reminded of losing their husbands on the occasion of a
wedding.

I don't know if it is proper etiquette to do it this way, and I don't
really care. Etiquette does not always take into consideration people's
feelings or fragile emotional states! My FMIL also agrees that this is the
best way to go *for these particular women.*

Megan & Kevin-12/7/96

Please think before you do this..  I have a different view point.  Many widows
(especially recent ones) feel that you are ignoring that their late husband
ever existed by using the Mrs. hername lastname rather than Mrs. hisname
lastname.  I know that when my mom was widowed this was a big subject at
grief support group.  They felt that this indicated them the same as
divorced women (I don't want to get into a philospohical discussion - these
are women in fresh deep grief - mostly older (40+) so this is not something
I felt or even a rationale thought.  I strongly believe that there is not
a greater pain in death or divorce - they are both extremely painful - just
different types of pain)...

Anyways, I would go with the title that the widow prefers.  If you do not know
her preference, go with Mrs. Hisname Lastname.  This is according to
etiquette so you have a scapegoat if someone becomes upset (which will not
happen).  And you are acknowledging this very important part of their life.

As a sidenote, PLEASE do NOT worry about sad feelings over the use of his name.
It seems from my experiences, that the one thing that makes grieving people
the saddest, is when people try to ignore their loss so as to not bring up
sad feelings (disclaimer: every grieving person is different!)  Much
better to acknowledge this person than not!  Besides, at one point they were
as close to this person as you are now to your fiance! (and if they were
married for a long time - maybe closer :o)

Best of Luck!
Paula (& Jason)
August 3, 1996

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In article <4g2pm7$...@gateway.sctc.com>,

FWIW, I agree that the best thing to do is to find out what form of
address a widow (or any other guest) prefers.  If this is not possible,
I would go with Mrs. His Name as a default, since many older women tend
to prefer this.

BTW, I never really thought about this issue until reading Miss Manners,
who argues very persuasively that it is cruel to try to force a woman
who has always been Mrs. Hisname to change her name because Hisname is
dead.  

                                        Jennifer

I agree that the concern should be for the widow's personal feelings.  To
give another angle to this, however:

My father died in 1990, and in early 1991, my mother (who had always
proudly been "Mrs James T. Doe"  received an invitation addressed to "Mrs
Jane Doe."  She got really upset, and told me that it seemed like everyone
had forgotten (or wanted to forget) that Dad had lived & that she had
loved him (& still did).   This seemed (to her) to be another way of
saying "C'mon, stay happy, go on with your life......." and all those
other things people say to widows.

As I said, this is an intensely personal matter, and those who know the
widow (or widower) best should go with what feels right.  Or, even better,
should take the time to talk privately with the widow and ask her what
feels right for her.  (sorry, small sermon there.)

Hope this helps,

Lisa

The correct way (traditionally) is to use the husband's name (i.e. Mrs. John
Doe).  Traditionally divorced women use the form "Mrs. Jane Doe.  According to
the kind man who assisted us with our invitations, this is the correct way
unless you know the woman has another preference (e.g. likes to use "Ms.")

This came up because my future mother-in-law is a widow and we toyed with the
idea of having her name on the invitations.  Hope this helps!  Good luck,
Becky

Mary Beth (and Peter)
6/1/96

In article <4fqsjv$...@lynx.unm.edu>,
Becky Jean Bishop <be...@cabernet.khoros.unm.edu> wrote:

According to every etiquette book I've seen, a married woman's name
does not change at her husband's death.  Formal invitations are
addressed to her by whatever name she used when her husband was alive
(unless, of course, she has indicated some other preference).

Rebecca