PLEASE READ Re: Engaged Couple Request Cash as Gift at Wedding Shower????
anonymous...@shell.portal.com
>> : Recently a couple requested cash as gifts for their wedding
>> : shower. Also another idea was that the guests would pay for the
>> : shower. It just doesn't seem right that the engaged couple can
>> : dictate what form of gift they should recieve nor should the
>> : guests pay for the shower. Also what is the definition of a
>> : Jack and Jill Shower?
>> : Please shed some light on this. Am I just behind the times? Or
>> : is this couple just a tad rude?
>>
>> If I was invited to a shower like this, I wouldn't go. Why don't
>> they just say "We'll probably hate whatever tacky piece of sh**
>> you get us, so don't even bother." And if I'm going to pay for
>> a party, I'll host it myself, thank-you-very-much.
>>
>> Sandy
>
>This couple isn't a tad rude, they are ALL THE WAY RUDE. Don't go to the
>shower. send a card (with no money in it) instead.
<snip>
>I wouldn't go to any shower as a guest where i was expected to pay.
>Sometimes all the bridesmaids might get together and throw a shower, and
>each contribute towards its success, but to ask guests for a contribution
>is just plain tacky.
>
>jenna
I'm very disturbed by the responses this post has generated.
Perhaps it hasn't occurred to the respondants who called this practice rude
and selfish - only a very few of whom are quoted here - that there may be
_reasons_ for asking for cash gifts at a shower.
One of them may be cultural. In my culture, cash-only showers (sometimes
called "Greenback Showers") are not at *all* uncommon. However, a "money
dance", where people pay the bride/groom to dance with them, and/or pin
money to their dress, would be *unheard of* and considered akin to
prostitution, particularly for the woman! (Incidentally, that's why I'm
sending this message anonymously - I am rather upset by the messages and
don't want to reveal my ethnic group for possible ridicule).
Another reason may be purely practical. There are *many* young couples out
there who need next month's rent more than cute gifts. A close friend of
mine used the money from her shower to pay for the marriage license ($100)
and a new dress - a $60 dress - for her wedding. No license, no wedding.
And if it hadn't been for her Greenback shower, she wouldn't have even had a
*new* *dress* to wear. Think about that while you're talking about your
$15,000 weddings and how much mummy and daddy owe you.
Neither of these circumstances may apply to the couple in question. Maybe
they *are* just rude, crude or tasteless. I just wanted people to think
before they write people off. One of the things I've always liked best
about alt.weddings and soc.couples.weddings is their support for *different*
cultures, values, wedding styles, etc., and the spirit of, "We'll help you
figure out how to do it the way you want!" It made me feel kind of sad to
see that spirit give way to "Well, THAT'S just NOT how it's DONE in MY
world. It's not PROPER." It seems to be happening a LOT more lately.
(Flame away)
A loyal reader
jst...@brown.edu
anonymous...@shell.portal.com wrote:
> >> Chuck Dolan (chu...@tiac.net) wrote:
> >> : Recently a couple requested cash as gifts for their wedding
> >> : shower. Also another idea was that the guests would pay for the
> >> : shower. It just doesn't seem right that the engaged couple can
> >> : dictate what form of gift they should recieve nor should the
> >> : guests pay for the shower. Also what is the definition of a
> >> : Jack and Jill Shower?
> >> : Please shed some light on this. Am I just behind the times? Or
> >> : is this couple just a tad rude?
other posts deleted, but i think we know what the theme is.
> I'm very disturbed by the responses this post has generated.
>
> Perhaps it hasn't occurred to the respondants who called this practice rude
> and selfish - only a very few of whom are quoted here - that there may be
> _reasons_ for asking for cash gifts at a shower.
Just because some one can justify their rudeness, doesn't mean that it
isn't rude and improper. Sure, many young couples would prefer cash as a
wedding gift, and if that's the case it is certainly ok to 'let the word
out' that the couple would rather have money than stuff. That's what your
friends and family are for, to let people know, discreetly and quietly and
certainly not on a shower invitation or on the wedding invite, or with a
table outside the reception door.
It is indeed not heard of to give cash as a shower gift. Ok, let me
rephrase that. In all my years of event planning, I have never heard of
cash as a shower gift. It goes against the entire premise of a shower.
> One of them may be cultural. In my culture, cash-only showers (sometimes
> called "Greenback Showers") are not at *all* uncommon. However, a "money
> dance", where people pay the bride/groom to dance with them, and/or pin
> money to their dress, would be *unheard of* and considered akin to
> prostitution, particularly for the woman! (Incidentally, that's why I'm
> sending this message anonymously - I am rather upset by the messages and
> don't want to reveal my ethnic group for possible ridicule).
I will concede (again) that culture plays a large role in how traditions
are played out in the wedding arena. However, i will continue to maintain
that unless only family and friends from that particular culture will be
in attendance at any given event, you can most certainly count on some
raised eyebrows, just like you do here on the newsgroup. Just because it
is a "family tradition" doesn't mean it isn't inappropriate in most other
cultures and you cannot expect folks to just grin and bear it when
something obviously inappropriate happens at a public function.
>
> Another reason may be purely practical. There are *many* young couples out
> there who need next month's rent more than cute gifts. A close friend of
> mine used the money from her shower to pay for the marriage license ($100)
> and a new dress - a $60 dress - for her wedding. No license, no wedding.
> And if it hadn't been for her Greenback shower, she wouldn't have even had a
> *new* *dress* to wear. Think about that while you're talking about your
> $15,000 weddings and how much mummy and daddy owe you.
It just seems so...counterproductive to pay for your wedding with $ from
your shower, but that's just me. But I suppose any place that requires a
marriage license of $100 is not a place I am used to. And i'm going to go
out on a limb here and wonder aloud if two people who can't afford to pay
rent together and have to use their wedding money should really be out of
their parents (or whatever) home just yet. Eventually the wedding money
will run out and then what?
>
> Neither of these circumstances may apply to the couple in question. Maybe
> they *are* just rude, crude or tasteless. I just wanted people to think
> before they write people off. One of the things I've always liked best
> about alt.weddings and soc.couples.weddings is their support for *different*
> cultures, values, wedding styles, etc., and the spirit of, "We'll help you
> figure out how to do it the way you want!" It made me feel kind of sad to
> see that spirit give way to "Well, THAT'S just NOT how it's DONE in MY
> world. It's not PROPER." It seems to be happening a LOT more lately.
Here's my old refrain, just in case someone has missed it: if someone asks
an etiquette question on the newsgroup, that someone had better be
prepared for opinions. That is how we learn about other cultures and
traditions. Some of them are great traditions and some of them are not
great traditions. Just because its been going on in your family doesn't
make it a great tradition that everyone should honor, it makes it simply a
tradition, one that perhaps flies in the face of all the etiquette books
in the world. And a bunch of whining about how "its cultural and what do
you know and how dare you judge my family" isn't going to change how many
of us feel about it.
Many posters have actually written in with questions like "my family has a
tradition that i don't think my fiance's family will appreciate, what do i
do" and if you've been paying attention you'll find that we are all still
very supportive and try to work out a solution to the problem.
Here's a tip to everyone: if you don't think you'll like the answer,
don't ask the question. As one bride on the group once said, "we're not
here to blow sunshine up some brides dress." Well said, don't you think?
>
> (Flame away)
>
> A loyal reader
Jenna, who isn't afraid to post her name and email address.
Lynne_M_Donegan
anonymous...@shell.portal.com wrote:
>>> Chuck Dolan (chu...@tiac.net) wrote:
>>> : Recently a couple requested cash as gifts for their wedding
>>> : shower. Also another idea was that the guests would pay for the
>>> : shower. It just doesn't seem right that the engaged couple can
>>> : dictate what form of gift they should recieve nor should the
>>> : guests pay for the shower.
>>> If I was invited to a shower like this, I wouldn't go. Why don't
>>> they just say "We'll probably hate whatever tacky piece of sh**
>>> you get us, so don't even bother." And if I'm going to pay for
>>> a party, I'll host it myself, thank-you-very-much.
>>>
>>> Sandy
>>
>>This couple isn't a tad rude, they are ALL THE WAY RUDE. Don't go to the
>>shower. send a card (with no money in it) instead.
><snip>
>>I wouldn't go to any shower as a guest where i was expected to pay.
>>Sometimes all the bridesmaids might get together and throw a shower, and
>>each contribute towards its success, but to ask guests for a contribution
>>is just plain tacky.
>>
>>jenna
>
>
>Perhaps it hasn't occurred to the respondants who called this practice rude
>and selfish - only a very few of whom are quoted here - that there may be
>_reasons_ for asking for cash gifts at a shower.
>
>(Flame away)
>
>A loyal reader
>
I think the point here is that the couple *requested* gifts at all.
If I was invited to a wedding or a shower I would take a gift but not
because it was *expected*. In fact I would be more likely not to take
anything if I felt I had to!!
I agree that differeent cultures have different traditions and we
shouldn't judge people by them - I think that's probably a diffeent
situation to the on the original post was about.
My feeling is that at my hen night (English equivelent of a
shower/bachelorette party) and my wedding the most important thing is
that the people I care about will be there - regardless whether they
bring presents or not. The thing that gets me about the original post
quoted here is that a couple have said people must bring something (be
it money or a present)
Just MHO
Lynne
--
The opinions expressed in this communication are my own,
and do not necessarily reflect those of my employer.