UFC 2 – The Missing Matches

Brad Verret

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Feb 12, 2003, 1:35:32 AM2/12/03

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UFC 2 – The Missing Matches
(by MIKE NAIMARK)

In the long and storied American history of MMA, few events have held
my imagination as firmly as the second edition of the Ultimate
Fighting Championship. At this point in the evolution of the sport,
the difference between the legitimate fighter and the kata-practicing,
board-breaking dojo queen was largely non-existent, meaning that we
could still look forward to seeing masters of Kung Fu, Tae Kwon Do,
Karate, and other ‘traditional' forms of self-defense that have been
largely discarded by the winnowing process of modern MMA. Only in
these early events can you see a ninja square off against the
pebble-snatching Kung Fu guru, or a judoka plying his trade on the
ground against the clueless kickboxer. And somewhere behind it all,
Royce Gracie snickered, unseen.

As memorable as UFC2 was, the PPV and commercial video did American
fans a slight disservice; the show was a 16-man tournament, where the
winner would have to win 4 times in one night. To accommodate the
restrictions of PPV, the first round of the tournament was never
shown, with the exception of Royce Gracie's first round win over an
overmatched Japanese karateka. Thus, American fans never learned who
that lanky fellow was breaking boards in the UFC2 pre-show video, or
what skills the creeping, crawling, gesturing, Maxwell Klinger-esque
fellow in the flowing black robes brought to the UFC. No, fair
reader, hidden from view since Bill Clinton was just a suspected
pervert are the matches that the UFC didn't want you to see!
Thankfully, an unknown ninja managed to evade attack dogs, night
watchmen, and the most sensitive of electronic surveillance at the
UFC's remote island headquarters, and return, tape in hand, to present
this gift to the world. Take a moment to review your memories of
UFC2, and perhaps review their "Everything You Need To Know" segment
at the beginning of the PPV, which teaches us poor rubes the wisdom of
the ancients, where karate practitioners could still claim to
practice, "One Strike, One Kill" without being laughed out of their
strip mall dojos. Presented for your enjoyment, dear reader, the
fights the UFC didn't want you to see! UFC2 – the Missing Matches!

1st Match – Sean Daugherty (TKD) vs Scott Morris (Ninjitsu)
Daugherty shows his ass-kicking abilities early by conducting his
pre-fight interview while performing a full split between two folding
chairs. I'm telling ya, if this fight breaks down into an
autofellatio contest, I'm betting the farm on Daugherty. Commentator
Jim Brown states that he was unable to locate Scott Morris for a
pre-fight interview, but notes that since Morris is a ninja, and
"being elusive is part of Ninjitsu", we shouldn't be surprised. What
wouldn't be surprising is if Morris and his Ninjitsu teammates
attacked Daugherty in the locker room and were beaten back one at a
time, as is the ninja custom.

Daugherty leaps forward with a couple of flicking leg kicks before
being tied up by Ninja Scott. The Ninja grabs a front headlock and,
astoundingly enough, performs a fairly textbook money-flip on the
befuddled TKD wizard, sending him ass-over-head to the ground and
hanging on to his front headlock for an easy chokeout from the mounted
position. In less than 30 seconds, the Ninja defeated the Tae-Kwon-Do
master! Clearly TKD is a sham, and Ninjitsu is the real deal!

2nd Match – Pat Smith (kickboxing) vs. Ray Wizard (karate)
Why don't fighters have names like ‘Ray Wizard' any more? Wizard
represents karate and hails from South Central LA, where he was
undoubtedly the local LA version of Bruce Leroy questing for that
elusive "Glow" that separates the true martial-arts masters from the
wanna-be Shoguns. Sho ‘nuff! Pat Smith is returning from his painful
defeat to Ken Shamrock in UFC1, where Smith was introduced to a new
kind of pain compliments of some fancy-pants sissy-hold called a "heel
hook". Smith catches the first kick Wizard throws and quickly
clinches against the Octagon fence. As Wizard drives forward, Smith
locks in a guillotine choke and cranks like crazy as Wizard tries his
best to block an attack that he'd never seen before, despite the fact
that he'd watched every Bruce Lee movie at least TEN TIMES! That
Smith has a lot of nerve using a non-Bruce approved hold, but before
Wizard can file his official protest, he loses consciousness and
collapses onto the mat. I believe the camera cuts away from the
Octagon shortly before Smith hovers over the prone Wizard,
proclaiming, "Now *I* am the Master!" as electricity crackles around
him.

3rd Match – Dave Levicki (Wing-Chung Kung Fu) vs Johnny Rhodes
(kickboxing)
You want Kung-Fu? You got Kung-Fu! Not only is Dave Levivki a master
of this mysterious art of the Orient, but our announcers mention that
he is a former Navy Seal. At 6'5 275lb, Levicki is bigger than any
two Shaolin monks; what chance can the dour-looking 6' 200lb Rhodes
have against this mighty embodiment of Mortal Combat mayhem? Rhodes
opens with a spinning back kick that bounces harmlessly off Levicki's
bulk and the two men grapple clumsily until they topple to the ground
in a writhing heap, with Rhodes eventually finding himself on top. A
few headbutts from Rhodes, some countering palm strikes and
knuckle-thrusts from Levicki, and the action slows to a crawl.
Suddenly, Levicki reveals a brilliant and unanticipated strategy from
his back – wrapping his legs around Rhodes' waist, Levicki manages to
tactfully pull Rhodes' karate pants down, exposing Johnny's "two buns
of fun" for all the world to see. Not content to let this comedic
spectacle continue unhindered, our unfortunate referee John McCarthy
reaches into Rhodes' pants and pulls them back to waist level, only to
see the depantsing repeated just seconds later. When McCarthy tries
to hoist Rhodes' pants up a second time, he mistakenly grabs a bit
more than he anticipates; with both hands, he grabs a hold of what
appears to be Johnny Rhodes' jockstrap and pulls until the elastic has
stretched nearly a foot before realizing his error and letting go,
allowing the elastic band to ‘thwack' solidly into Rhodes' back. For
perhaps the first 10+ minutes, our glimpses of Mr. Rhodes'
‘Johnnycakes' and John McCarthy's homoerotic attempts to horn in on
the action are the highlights of this otherwise uninteresting
lay-n-pray snoozer, as neither man understands the fundamentals of
grappling well enough to assert themselves from the ground. A trickle
of blood is visible from the outer corner of Levicki's left eye around
the 10-minute mark, as the bigger Kung Fu master seems unable to
execute any appropriate Kung Fu wizardry to escape his situation.
Finally, Rhodes lands a hefty forearm smash to the face, followed by a
pair of crushing headbutts which convinces Levicki to tap out. As
Levicki stands, we can see that the last flurry of blows from Johnny
Rhodes has turned the trickle of blood from his eye into an oozing
gusher, as Levicki's face is quickly coated in the thick red stuff.
Levicki's listless loss reflects not only the general worthlessness of
Kung Fu in the UFC, but also serves of a harbinger of the future, as
this former military Special Forces member takes a beating without the
reassurance of a weapon in his hands. We would have to wait several
years for Greg ‘Ranger' Stott to enter the Octagon and attempt to
redeem the honor of the military with his expeditious fighting system,
RIP.

4th Match – Freek Hamaker (Sambo) vs. Thaddeus Luster (San-Su Kung Fu)
Another Kung Fu master enters the Octagon, this time in the form of
the strangely tranquil Thaddeus Luster, who proclaims himself a 7th
degree black belt in his art. Remember when hearing of such
credentials was enough to make a mere mortal gasp in awe? Luster
actually looks like he is attempting to become the real-life
doppelganger for "Bruce Leroy" from the martial-arts classic, "The
Last Dragon", as he wears the stereotypical black Kung Fu Master
outfit and appears so serene and focused that I wouldn't doubt for a
second that he could catch a fly with his tongue, to say nothing of a
pair of chopsticks. Across the Octagon from Luster stands a stocky
Dutchman in a red gi top who represents the Russian style of Sambo. I
have been informed by Rick James himself that Mr. Hamaker has *never*
achieved the rank of ‘Superfreek', so anybody who tells you otherwise
is lying to your face and deserves your scorn. The two men grapple
immediately and Luster actually gets a takedown on Hamaker using the
traditional Kung Fu technique of a hair pull combined with a leg trip.
Hamaker quickly reverses the position on the ground and achieves the
full mount. Working for an armlock from the mount, Hamaker becomes
unbalanced and Luster quickly regains his feet to the cheers of the
crowd. The cheering only intensifies when Hamaker takes Luster back
to the mat with a picturesque throw over his hip, this time landing in
the side-mount position. Freek quickly assumes the full mount and
throws some sissified hammer-fist blows and goes briefly to a keylock
before throwing more limp punches. Hamaker returns to the keylock
after his barrage and finally does score the tapout in an unremarkable
fight that offered only more bad news for the editors of "Kung Fu
Magazine".

5th Match – Orlando Weit (Muay-Thai) vs. Robert Lucarelli (kickboxing)
A contrast between these two strikers is immediately apparent, as
Weit's physique looks to have been carved from the finest onyx, while
the pasty Lucarelli looks to have been sculpted from cottage cheese
based on genetic blueprints originally used for the Pillsbury
Doughboy. Weit immediately lands a good left jab and deftly avoids
several kick attempts from the pudgy Lucarelli before being taken to
the ground with a clumsy tackle. Weit and Lucarelli both struggle to
their feet, where our tubby hero latches on a awkward schoolboy choke
and tumbles to the mat. Weit flops around for a bit before slipping
his arm under the choke and extracting his head. He quickly fires a
barrage of elbows to the back of Lucarelli's head, stands up, and
delivers a brutal soccer kick to his unfortunate opponent's undefended
melon. As Lucarelli collapses into the mat and twitches slightly,
Orlando Weit turns his back to him and walks across the Octagon, hands
upraised, declaring victory. One problem – in these early UFCs, a
fighter has to tap-out, or have his corner throw in the towel.
Lucarelli has had the benefit of neither, and so Weit is ordered back
into the slaughterhouse by our referee. Lucky Lucarelli indeed.
Orlando charges in with a crushing right hand as the dazed and
helpless Lucarelli flails back with a clear look of fear and
hopelessness in his face – he wants to quit, but can't remember how!
Lucarelli rolls away from Weit's assault, only to catch another kick
to the side of the head. Collapsing on the mat, he is an easy target
for several crushing elbowstrikes to the head until it suddenly dawns
on the referee that this fellow screaming like a schoolgirl is trying
to signal his desire to please, please make the pain stop. Weit is
finally pulled off and declared the victor.

6th Match – Alberto Cerro Leon (Pentak Silat) vs. Remco Pardoel (Judo)
Ahh, Pentak Silat, one of the mysterious arts of the far east! You
may remember Mr. Leon from the introduction to the UFC2 commercial
tape, where he is shown is his flowing garments making weird finger
gestures and crawling on the ground like a spastic cat. His opponent
is a rather large, babyfaced Dutchman competing in his judo gi. Using
some laughably bizarre hand and finger movements to assert his status
as a true martial-arts master worthy of a spot in the Bloodsport
Kumite, Leon catches Pardoel with a good stiff right hand and quickly
maneuvers behind the bigger Judoka. Pardoel calmly grabs hold of
Leon's wrist and tosses him deftly over his shoulder in a beautiful
display of classical judo technique. Once on the ground, Pardoel
struggles mightily to control the clueless but energetic Silat man
before settling in to a sloppy side mount. Pardoel fiddles around for
a minute or so, not appearing to make any progress when Leon suddenly
taps out. A closer inspection shows that Remco had a weak-looking
side choke which subdued his foe. Despite having the most
ridiculous-looking pre-fight video, our Silat representative made a
solid showing for himself, although this was undoubtedly based more on
his own natural endurance and athleticism than on anything his
craptastic Silat mastery brought to the table.

7th Match – Scott Baker (Kung Fu) vs. Jason DeLucia (Kung Fu)
An interesting back story here, as DeLucia surreptitiously trained in
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with the Gracies prior to entering the UFC,
despite his Kung Fu credentials. The Gracie camp was none too pleased
to find out that DeLucia then entered the UFC, where Royce was
competing, but more on that later. The match goes to the ground
almost immediately, with DeLucia winding up in Baker's tightly closed
guard. DeLucia kills some time until Baker opens his guard, then
quickly grabs an ankle, falls back, and starts cranking. To his
credit, Kung Fool Baker handles the attempted heel hook better than
could be expected, actually rolling in the direction of the cranking
to alleviate the pressure (purely by luck, it appears). When DeLucia
loosens his grips momentarily to grab a better hold, Baker slips from
his grasp and regains his feet. The crowd erupts in cheers, hoping to
see some fireball hurling or cross-Octagon bicycle kicking, but we all
know better now, don't we? DeLucia lands a flinging lead right hand
and tries to shoot in behind it, only to be thwarted by a Baker
sprawl. Baker now finds himself in DeLucia's guard and actually slaps
DeLucia's face before being caught in a triangle choke. Holding on to
Baker's gi sleeve for dear life, DeLucia cranks his triangle choke
with all his might, yet once again the seemingly clueless Baker
manages to weasel out of the predicament despite appearing totally
befuddled by his position. DeLucia springs up as Baker pulls his head
out, and regains the mounted position. Baker reverses into DeLucia's
guard and immediately finds himself on the wrong end of the triangle
choke for a second time. Still utterly ignorant of his options, Baker
actually rolls over so that DeLucia maintains the triangle while
sitting on Baker's head. One or two punches to the noggin are all it
takes for DeLucia to earn the tapout in his hard-fought match.

And so, with Royce Gracie's win over Ichihara in his own first-round
match (which can be viewed on the commercial videotape), our second
round matchups were made. Freek Hammaker withdrew with a case of the
chickens after seeing what Johnny Rhodes did in his first-round
matchup, to be replaced by the now-legendary Fred Ettish, while Ninja
Scott Morris made a bit of history himself against Pat Smith. Jason
DeLucia learned the heard way how the Gracie's treat disrespectful
students and nearly had his arm rudely removed from his screaming
body, and when everything was said and done, Royce Gracie stood
victorious over the field yet again, beating 4 consecutive victims to
continue his undefeated streak and cement his place as the first
legend of American MMA. With the age of Ninjas and Kung Fu masters
firmly relegated to the past, these early UFCs remain an amusingly
anachronistic time capsule of our Bloodsport-deluded views of the
realities of fighting. Just a few short years later, nobody would be
asking if Jean Claude Van Damm or Steven Segal could beat Mike Tyson
in a fight, because a scrawny, 170lb Brazilian had rendered the entire
discussion moot by showing the world something almost as impressive as
the crackling fireball and the stealthy ceiling crawl – the truth.

So tune in next time fight fans, as we continue to probe the fleshy
buttocks of MMA with the brutal boot of critical analysis. Ninjas and
Kung Fu masters come and go, but one thing that never changes is our
unyielding desire to bring you the best of the world of full contact
fighting here in YOUR Death Valley Driver.

Jitsu

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Feb 12, 2003, 6:11:33 AM2/12/03

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of some fancy-pants sissy-hold called a "heel
hook".

............................................................................
..
He ya go Methodman and Gareth, perfect example of the "American
Fancy".................

"Brad Verret" <bradv...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ce79a6a8.03021...@posting.google.com...
> UFC 2 - The Missing Matches

> fights the UFC didn't want you to see! UFC2 - the Missing Matches!
>
> 1st Match - Sean Daugherty (TKD) vs Scott Morris (Ninjitsu)

> Daugherty shows his ass-kicking abilities early by conducting his
> pre-fight interview while performing a full split between two folding
> chairs. I'm telling ya, if this fight breaks down into an
> autofellatio contest, I'm betting the farm on Daugherty. Commentator
> Jim Brown states that he was unable to locate Scott Morris for a
> pre-fight interview, but notes that since Morris is a ninja, and
> "being elusive is part of Ninjitsu", we shouldn't be surprised. What
> wouldn't be surprising is if Morris and his Ninjitsu teammates
> attacked Daugherty in the locker room and were beaten back one at a
> time, as is the ninja custom.
>
> Daugherty leaps forward with a couple of flicking leg kicks before
> being tied up by Ninja Scott. The Ninja grabs a front headlock and,
> astoundingly enough, performs a fairly textbook money-flip on the
> befuddled TKD wizard, sending him ass-over-head to the ground and
> hanging on to his front headlock for an easy chokeout from the mounted
> position. In less than 30 seconds, the Ninja defeated the Tae-Kwon-Do
> master! Clearly TKD is a sham, and Ninjitsu is the real deal!
>

> 2nd Match - Pat Smith (kickboxing) vs. Ray Wizard (karate)

> Why don't fighters have names like 'Ray Wizard' any more? Wizard
> represents karate and hails from South Central LA, where he was
> undoubtedly the local LA version of Bruce Leroy questing for that
> elusive "Glow" that separates the true martial-arts masters from the
> wanna-be Shoguns. Sho 'nuff! Pat Smith is returning from his painful
> defeat to Ken Shamrock in UFC1, where Smith was introduced to a new
> kind of pain compliments of some fancy-pants sissy-hold called a "heel
> hook". Smith catches the first kick Wizard throws and quickly
> clinches against the Octagon fence. As Wizard drives forward, Smith
> locks in a guillotine choke and cranks like crazy as Wizard tries his
> best to block an attack that he'd never seen before, despite the fact
> that he'd watched every Bruce Lee movie at least TEN TIMES! That
> Smith has a lot of nerve using a non-Bruce approved hold, but before
> Wizard can file his official protest, he loses consciousness and
> collapses onto the mat. I believe the camera cuts away from the
> Octagon shortly before Smith hovers over the prone Wizard,
> proclaiming, "Now *I* am the Master!" as electricity crackles around
> him.
>

> 3rd Match - Dave Levicki (Wing-Chung Kung Fu) vs Johnny Rhodes

> (kickboxing)
> You want Kung-Fu? You got Kung-Fu! Not only is Dave Levivki a master
> of this mysterious art of the Orient, but our announcers mention that
> he is a former Navy Seal. At 6'5 275lb, Levicki is bigger than any
> two Shaolin monks; what chance can the dour-looking 6' 200lb Rhodes
> have against this mighty embodiment of Mortal Combat mayhem? Rhodes
> opens with a spinning back kick that bounces harmlessly off Levicki's
> bulk and the two men grapple clumsily until they topple to the ground
> in a writhing heap, with Rhodes eventually finding himself on top. A
> few headbutts from Rhodes, some countering palm strikes and
> knuckle-thrusts from Levicki, and the action slows to a crawl.
> Suddenly, Levicki reveals a brilliant and unanticipated strategy from

> his back - wrapping his legs around Rhodes' waist, Levicki manages to

> 4th Match - Freek Hamaker (Sambo) vs. Thaddeus Luster (San-Su Kung Fu)

> 5th Match - Orlando Weit (Muay-Thai) vs. Robert Lucarelli (kickboxing)

> A contrast between these two strikers is immediately apparent, as
> Weit's physique looks to have been carved from the finest onyx, while
> the pasty Lucarelli looks to have been sculpted from cottage cheese
> based on genetic blueprints originally used for the Pillsbury
> Doughboy. Weit immediately lands a good left jab and deftly avoids
> several kick attempts from the pudgy Lucarelli before being taken to
> the ground with a clumsy tackle. Weit and Lucarelli both struggle to
> their feet, where our tubby hero latches on a awkward schoolboy choke
> and tumbles to the mat. Weit flops around for a bit before slipping
> his arm under the choke and extracting his head. He quickly fires a
> barrage of elbows to the back of Lucarelli's head, stands up, and
> delivers a brutal soccer kick to his unfortunate opponent's undefended
> melon. As Lucarelli collapses into the mat and twitches slightly,
> Orlando Weit turns his back to him and walks across the Octagon, hands

> upraised, declaring victory. One problem - in these early UFCs, a

> fighter has to tap-out, or have his corner throw in the towel.
> Lucarelli has had the benefit of neither, and so Weit is ordered back
> into the slaughterhouse by our referee. Lucky Lucarelli indeed.
> Orlando charges in with a crushing right hand as the dazed and
> helpless Lucarelli flails back with a clear look of fear and

> hopelessness in his face - he wants to quit, but can't remember how!

> Lucarelli rolls away from Weit's assault, only to catch another kick
> to the side of the head. Collapsing on the mat, he is an easy target
> for several crushing elbowstrikes to the head until it suddenly dawns
> on the referee that this fellow screaming like a schoolgirl is trying
> to signal his desire to please, please make the pain stop. Weit is
> finally pulled off and declared the victor.
>

> 6th Match - Alberto Cerro Leon (Pentak Silat) vs. Remco Pardoel (Judo)

> Ahh, Pentak Silat, one of the mysterious arts of the far east! You
> may remember Mr. Leon from the introduction to the UFC2 commercial
> tape, where he is shown is his flowing garments making weird finger
> gestures and crawling on the ground like a spastic cat. His opponent
> is a rather large, babyfaced Dutchman competing in his judo gi. Using
> some laughably bizarre hand and finger movements to assert his status
> as a true martial-arts master worthy of a spot in the Bloodsport
> Kumite, Leon catches Pardoel with a good stiff right hand and quickly
> maneuvers behind the bigger Judoka. Pardoel calmly grabs hold of
> Leon's wrist and tosses him deftly over his shoulder in a beautiful
> display of classical judo technique. Once on the ground, Pardoel
> struggles mightily to control the clueless but energetic Silat man
> before settling in to a sloppy side mount. Pardoel fiddles around for
> a minute or so, not appearing to make any progress when Leon suddenly
> taps out. A closer inspection shows that Remco had a weak-looking
> side choke which subdued his foe. Despite having the most
> ridiculous-looking pre-fight video, our Silat representative made a
> solid showing for himself, although this was undoubtedly based more on
> his own natural endurance and athleticism than on anything his
> craptastic Silat mastery brought to the table.
>

> 7th Match - Scott Baker (Kung Fu) vs. Jason DeLucia (Kung Fu)

> the crackling fireball and the stealthy ceiling crawl - the truth.

Profiler

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Feb 12, 2003, 6:28:27 AM2/12/03

to

Don't know if the same guy that posted this is the one that wrote it...
doesn't look like it.

To the writer: you've got way too much time on your hands.

Ok, so you wanna be a comedy writer, good for you, take it from someone
who's made a living that way - Shorter and punchier. The whole piece is
too long.

Next - dismissing a style of martial arts as a "sham" or "craptastic"
because one so-called "master" is dispatched, is ignorant and just plain
silly.

In fact, one has to be careful with humor, especially when mixed with what
you perceive as insightful observations, the lines get blurred and the
whole thing becomes silly.

Certain guys are tough, no matter what "styles" they represent, others are
not no matter how many degrees.

SNaKeBitten

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Feb 12, 2003, 9:47:12 AM2/12/03

to

--
Through bleary eyes, while in a drug induced stupor, ~SnAkE smeared on the
cell wall with a handful of warm, fresh feces...Prophecies that said:

Thanks for the post!
Informative..Very good stuff, IMO.
Always wondered where 'Klinger' went.

www.deathwithouttaxes.com
Got taxes? We don't !!

"Brad Verret" <bradv...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:ce79a6a8.03021...@posting.google.com...

> UFC 2 - The Missing Matches