xfc: NEW: The Genesis Project VII (11/14) by aRcaDIaNFall$
aRcaDIaNFalls
by aRcaDIaNFall$
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- JACQUELINE POV -
I could see them up there, silhouetted against the window as they stood
still, side by side, hands held in a tenuous grip. I knew I was largely
contributing to their problems and God knows that wasn't my intention
at all. But I didn't know what I could do about it.
It was like watching a mime show. She said something, reaching up to
touch his cheek. He pulled away from her and she drew back, gazing at
him. They were both frowning. She tried again, this time cupping the
back of his head and drawing him closer. His head bowed, she kissed his
forehead, then kissed him briefly on the lips before he buried his head
in the crook of her neck. I looked away again.
Graham arrived home ten minutes later. All I wanted was to be held and
he obliged, hugging me against him. But I pulled away after only a
minute, feeling suffocated, needing my space. I hated that I needed
that. I knew it frustrated him, my need but inability to receive
comfort. But he was dealing with my idiosyncrasies better lately.
Humouring me because of my pregnancy. I loved him for it, though it
worried me, too. How long til he started snapping at me again?
Grae suggested we all go into the city for the afternoon - explore
Circular Quay, go to the Rocks markets, catch a ferry. The mere thought
of it exhausted me and I quickly declined. I'd done all the touristy
things before. Grae still seemed keen to go, even when Dana said she'd
stay behind with me. Fox seemed reluctant and she practically pushed
him out the door, Erin in his arms.
It was still only mid-afternoon, just before three. I checked the
scones I had cooking in the oven dubiously. It was the first time I'd
attempted the recipe and it was hard to tell whether they were done or
not, so I pulled one out, giving it a second to cool before slicing it
open. It seemed about done so I pulled the tray out of the oven.
Somehow the thought of using an ovenmitt completely slipped my mind and
I grabbed the tray with my bare hands. I felt the searing heat burning
my skin, but barely registered the tray sliding from my hands. Scones
bounced on the floor.
"Damnit!" I cursed, realising what had happened as if there were a
delay in the transmission of data from my eyes to brain. I quickly ran
cold water, putting my hands under the flow, gritting my teeth as it
stung.
"Show me," Dana instructed calmly, reaching for my hands. I held them
out reluctantly, feeling stupid. What a ridiculously basic task to mess
up.
"You might want to put some sort of burn cream on," she said gently.
"It's not too bad, though."
I nodded, glad she wasn't reprimanding or questioning me on the error.
I went upstairs to get the burn cream from the bathroom cabinet - still
wedged firmly in the box of all things medical we'd brought from
Gerrideen - and lathered it on, trying not to touch the actual burns
too much. Dana was right, it wasn't bad. I still couldn't get over how
stupid I had been, though.
Dana was picking scones up off the kitchen floor when I returned,
brushing them off with her fingers as they went. "They should be edible
enough," she said gently, laying the plateful on the counter, nudging
it toward me. But I wasn't hungry any longer. I shook my head. She
nodded. "The kids'll eat them later."
"Yeah," I nodded. And I burst into tears.
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- SCULLY POV -
I almost screamed with frustration when she began to cry. Enough was
enough. Being surrounded by so much stress and unhappiness was making
any joy in my own life impossible. I felt weighed down and drowning in
the world's grief. And on top of that was the guilt of feeling that
way, of ceasing to really empathise with - or, dare I say it, care for
- people I loved as they grieved. I was burnt out, desensitised to it.
Any pain I felt was only dull, distanced. I didn't like what was
happening to me.
When she stopped crying long enough to panic about the baby she
insisted we hook up the fetal heart monitor and check that the baby was
okay. After that was established she seemed to calm down a little and
wanted to take Milo for a walk. I suggested we wait a while, let her
have a rest, and she immediately agreed. I could have told her right
then that the moon was made of cheese and she would have agreed with
me, I think.
We played some chess, then she suggested taking the dog out again and
this time I agreed. It was getting darker but the fresh air definately
seemed to have a positive effect on her. She was far more attentive
than she had been the day before and by the time we returned to the
house she seemed relaxed enough to crack some jokes.
I didn't allow myself to be optimistic, however much things were
starting to look up. At the moment, I was all out of hope.
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- JACQUELINE POV -
Dana sent Grae and I out for the night. Whether that was to separate
Fox and I or whether she herself wanted space from me, I didn't know,
but it turned out to be an enjoyable night. It seemed like it had been
a long, long time since Grae and I were alone together.
We went to see a movie - was this the first time we'd ever gone to the
cinemas together? I wondered - and then for a late dinner. We got a
plate of nachos to share and sat on a park bench eating with our
fingers. It was impossible to do so delicately; after two minutes my
fingers were greasy and cheesy, I had sauce dripping down my chin, sour
cream on the tip of my nose.
Grae cleaned me up as if I were a child, with enough playful comments
to get a giggle out of me. It had been a while since I'd giggled, I
realised. The tension released was palpable.
We sat for a while, more comfortable than I'd expected. I felt good.
Not exactly great, but after the past few days, 'good' was wonderful.
"You're quiet, chikee." That was his nickname of the moment - it
changed regularly.
"Just thinking."
"No!" he sounded aghast.
I smiled, elbowing him gently. "Don't mock me."
He chuckled. "Sorry. It's just too easy." I could almost have put my
finger on the moment he suddenly got serious. "I haven't talked to you
in days."
"You're talking to me now," I parried, aware that it was a while since
we'd had a real private conversation.
"You know what I mean. Your friends are always getting in the way."
"They're not 'in the way'," I defended. "I like having them around. I
feel safer with them here."
"Yeah, I know you do." Definate grimness in the statement. I elbowed
him again, trying to lighten the mood.
"C'mon. You like having them around too, right? They're keeping us
company, Ebony's got someone to play with..."
"They're all right," he grumbled. Fortunately the annoyance in his
voice was only to mock me. He shook his head, squeezing me in a hug.
When we got home Dana and Fox were asleep together on the sofa, her
head in his lap, he bent over her like some sort of human shield. He'd
wake up with a sore neck.
I left them there for the moment, checking on the kids upstairs. Ebony
was asleep, all tucked in. I felt a pang of guilt. Dana must have
tucked her in. When was the last time I'd put Ebony to bed? When was
the last time I'd spoken more than two words to the child? I'd been far
too wrapped up in my own crisis', too worried about the child that was
coming to pay any attention to the one that was already there. And she
needed as much attention as she could get. What sort of a mother was I?
Not wanting to really consider the question, I quickly moved on to
check Erin and Astrid, both of who were sleeping soundly in Astrid's
bed. Astrid always seemed to need somebody close, even when she slept.
I didn't know how she could stand it. I'd suffocate.
There was still a light on in Josh's room, which surprised me; it was
past eleven. He was in bed, reading. That didnt surprise me so much.
"Hey, baby, past your bedtime," I called gently.
He looked up at me sharply, then smiled sheepishly. "Almost finished,"
he offered by way of explanation. He held up the book - Charles
Dickens' 'Nicholas Nickleby'. He had maybe ten pages left.
I nodded. He was quickly absorbed in his book again so I wished him a
quiet good night and backed out of the room, easing the door shut after
me. I could see light spilling out from under the door so I switched on
the hall light, brighter than Joshie's. I didn't want him getting
caught by Dana and Fox on their way up to bed.
But when I went downstairs to wake them I just couldn't do it. They'd
shifted a little, sleeping entwined, and there was a tranquility I just
couldn't bear to destroy. I flipped off the TV and all the downstairs
lights, and I left them in their peace.
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- SCULLY POV -
There was a steady trail of ants, marching along the branch. I hadn't
realised and had put my hand there for a moment, only to end up with
half a dozen of the tiny creatures crawling wildly over my skin. I
shook my hand, brushing the remaining ants off, rocking and almost
falling out. Not a good start to what I'd hoped would be a time of
solitude.
I was lying in the hammock under the magnolia tree in the back yard. It
was a good spot for that time of day - late morning - because the sun
was still gently warm. I had a book open in my lap but I wasn't
reading. My eyes were closed. My mind was half a day away, still
reflecting on my conversation with Mulder the night before.
"I'm not at full strength," I'd told him, the first opportunity I'd had
for honesty beyond tears for a while. "I haven't been since the Sabrina
incident. Or maybe even when you were shot. And everything since has
been wearing us both down; this case, Samantha, the suspension..."
"It's all taken a toll," had been his summation.
I needed a chance to recover, I'd told him, simply enough. I was
running on empty. I needed to know that I could get through the day
ahead of me without having to deal with tears, without pain. I'd
thought somehow that coming to Australia would help that, but instead
there was only more tears, more fear, more suffering.
"You wanna go home?" he'd asked. And that was a hard question to answer
because, yes, I did want to go home. But I couldn't leave Jacqueline so
scared. She needed me.
"There's still another month til her baby's born," he'd reminded me.
"We've got to be back at work in two weeks."
I'd shrugged. "We'll wait and see, just a while longer." I expected he
would argue that decision but instead he nodded, and then he'd
surprised me by hugging me closer to him. Not the desperate, cloying
clutch of late but a more playful, comfortably affectionate hug.
"Mommy?"
I opened my eyes and turned my head cautiously, shielding my eyes
against the sun. "What is it, Josh?"
"What are you doing out here?"
"I just needed some quiet time." I smiled at him gently. He nodded and
started to turn away but I beckoned him closer. "Come sit with me,
sweetie."
It had been too long since I'd talked with Josh one-on-one. I swung
sideways in the hammock and steadied it while he climbed up beside me.
It swung wildly and I hung onto him as it steadied. He giggled,
snuggling against me. I cuddled him, trying to recall the last time I
had held him.
I didn't know where to begin, so I asked, "What's up?"
"I taught Erin to say my name. Well, she can say the end, anyway.
'sh'." Before I had time to praise the effort he threw a question at
me. "Why are you so unhappy?"
I was surprised by the question, mostly out of the fact that I'd
assumed Josh knew why. He usually did.
"Daddy and Jacqueline - and even you two - are going through a hard
time. I'm picking up the pieces."
"Holding it all together, you mean." He paused, looking up at me.
"You're just as hurt by this as Duckie is."
"But she's worried about her baby, too," I reminded him.
"Still," he argued quietly, frowning, "It's not fair of her and Daddy
to expect so much of you."
"No, it's not fair," I agreed. "But I have to help them."
"Even if they're not helping you?"
"They're trying. We're all trying."
He seemed dissatisfied with my answer. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know, kiddo." Stop grieving about Samantha? But how? Somehow
solitude no longer seemed like a good idea. I was thinking far too
much. "Just try to enjoy ourselves, I guess."
"How?"
I shrugged. He wriggled out of my grip and slid off the hammock, making
his way back into the house. Two minutes later Astrid came traipsing
out, followed by Ebony and Josh with Erin. He put her down on the grass
and she ran toward me. I swung her up onto my lap, kissing her hello.
She beamed at me.
Josh and Astrid started shooting basketball - Mulder had found a ring
in the garage and tied it up low enough for the kids. Ebony was hanging
back as usual, but it didn't seem to take as much cajoling to get her
to join in. She *wanted* to play with them, I realised suddenly. She
waited for Josh to toss her the ball and carefully threw it skyward,
and although she missed the ring every time by at least a foot, she
didn't give up and run away. She just continued to stand there,
watching Josh and Astrid as they wrestled each other for the ball,
waiting for her turn, trusting that somebody would eventually think of
her.
Mulder came out to join them, grinning as he complained that the ring
was too low, teasing Astrid, joking with them. It was such a relief to
watch, to see him light-hearted and having fun. I lay back in the
hammock with Erin straddling my stomach. She giggled, poking me, and I
tickled her, hugging her against me, covering her with kisses in the
way Astrid always did. She laughed, giving me her beautiful grin.
She eventually got sick of me and tried to climb down. I lowered her to
the grass, watching as she ran over to Astrid. How did she tell the
difference between Astrid and Ebony? I wondered suddenly. I lay back
with eyes closed, trying to relax as I considered the point. I hardly
got the chance. Two minutes later Mulder tipped me out of the hammock,
straddled me as I lay on the grass, and kissed me. His was only a
playful kiss but I gave him a longer one in return, revelling in the
moment. No tears, no grief, no misery. He was stroking my face with the
back of his fingers as he kissed me, his lips soft and full. I was
finally getting the tender care I'd craved the past week.
We lay on the grass for five, maybe ten minutes, kissing, touching.
Nothing R-rated, just comfortable, affectionate. It was exactly what I
needed. Then he pulled away, grinning sheepishly, and pulled me
upright.
"Morning tea!" Jacqueline announced, putting a tray down on the back
table. I recognised the scones from yesterday and smiled when I saw
Astrid eagerly lathering jam and whipped cream over one. Jacqui caught
my eye and half-shrugged, grinning.
Restoration.
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- MULDER POV -
The sun was setting behind us as we arrived at the beach. We'd followed
a winding road along the coast and the kids had been excited from the
moment they first saw the ocean, opening the car windows to smell the
salty sea air. The sand was coarse grains but soft under our bare feet,
the breeze off the water was chilly, the roar of the waves constant. It
was the first time Erin had seen sand and I let her down to examine it
as I helped Graham spread out a large picnic rug. Erin climbed onto it
immediately, her mouth and chin soon suspiciously sandy. She spat out a
gob of wet sand and began to cry. I pulled her onto my lap, kissing the
top of her head, loving that I had the power to comfort.
Scully was helping Jacqueline calm Ebony, who had been bitten by an
insect of some sort and was scratching madly. Graham was trying to
light a hurricane lamp he'd dug out of the trunk of the car. Josh and
Astrid had run down to the water's edge, thirty yards away, and were
playing at the edge of the water. Astrid's delighted shrieks carried up
to us, the laughing as they wrestled, their playfully rhyming
arguments.
Somebody had foreseen to make the kids roll their pants legs to just
below their knees, but when they threw themselves down on the sand by
the rug, panting, I could see that their pants were wet right up to the
knees, a little above for Josh. Scully scolded them gently, reminding
them that it was winter - and with such a cold breeze off the water I
wondered that it wasn't obvious - and that they'd freeze if they got
wet. They both rubbed off with a towel but after a few minutes they
exchanged teeth-chattering grins. I took them off to play soccer and
then we spent ten minutes waiting for the tide to return to us the
soccerball Josh had kicked right into the water.
When we returned it was to a feast. Graham and Ebony had gone to the
corner store only a few feet from the car and returned with
batter-covered fish, an enormous bag of hot chips and several bottles
of Coke and 7Up. Scully was sitting near Jacqueline but I pulled her
closer to me, giving us some space from Graham and Jacqueline.
It was really too cold a night to be out on the water and Scully and I
snuggled up close. Erin and Josh were playing chasings around the rug
and Erin eventually deviated from the course, throwing herself in my
lap, giggling. She took the fry I fed her and giggled again, rolling
off my lap and chasing after Josh again.
"She's such a beautiful baby," Scully murmured with satisfaction. And
she was right; Erin was always cracking into a wide grin, giggling,
hugging. She had love for everyone, and she was clever, too. "Clever
cookie," was what Astrid called her. She was always curious, always
investigating. And her antics were endlessly endearing. She would pick
up a TV remote and hold it up to her ear, speaking into it. It had
taken us a while to realise that she was having a phone conversation -
soon enough she was beginning each 'call' with "Hiiiiiiii?" and
finishing with "Bye-bye." I don't know where she could have picked
*that* up.
Scully and I were both tired - she was almost asleep against me as I
fed her hot chips one by one. We played footsies on the sandy rug,
shared a few lazy kisses. She was halfway to the moon, I thought.
Still, only a few minutes later she dragged herself up and said she
wanted to go for a walk to see what was further along the beach. To our
right the headland was dotted with the lights of houses and
restaurants, to our left a dark stretch of beach and water gleaming
like oil in the moonlight.
The beach was nearly deserted; only a few lone fishermen scattered
along the shore reassured us that there were still other people left in
the world. We left Graham behind with Ebony, who had been falling
asleep.
The sand was loosely packed under our feet and after a while every step
was an effort, my calf muscles soon aching. We walked maybe two hundred
metres up the beach and came to a deadend, water flowing inland, deep
and wide. We took a moment but there was nothing much to see or do and
the kids were starting to get silly, wrestling each other. Josh
accidently elbowed Astrid in the face and a scuffle broke out between
them. Deliberately ignoring their whining, we turned to head back,
choosing to walk on the wet sand closer to the shore. Within minutes
their fight was forgotten - as all squabbles between them were - and
they were dancing along the edge of the water, splashing a little,
giggling. Erin was falling asleep, face buried in Scully's breast.
Jacqueline was keeping up with us but with an effort and admitted
sheepishly to being tired.
If that were Scully, or even Samantha,I thought to myself, I'd pick her
up and carry her. And so I swung Jacqueline up into my arms - she was
only a little heavier than Scully, somehow - and carried her the last
hundred metres back to the picnic rug. Graham came racing toward us, as
if afraid something had happened. "I'm fine," Jacqueline quickly
reassured him, shooing him back as I lowered her to the ground. "Don't
get your knickers in a knot."
That seemed to signal the end of the evening. We started to pack up,
Ebony was woken, and the eight of us trekked back up to the car, off
the sand onto the worn, sandy wooden planks, past the grasshills and
tall connifers. We stood around the car, trying to de-sand ourselves as
well as possible in the fluorescent light from a parking lot streetlamp
above.
It was only half an hour drive back but on reaching home only Erin was
still awake; Josh, Astrid, Ebony - and even Jacqueline - had fallen
asleep. Parking in the garage, Graham went to switch off the alarm
before returning to the car. I thought he'd wake Jacqueline and carry
Ebony, or wake both of them, but he surprised me by lifting Jacqueline
out of the car, carrying her in.
Astrid woke and sleepily insisted on taking Erin in for us. Scully
hesitated for a moment, remembering Ebony's dislike of touch, and then
shook the girl gently. Ebony didn't stir. Giving me an apprehensive
shrug, Scully reached into the car to awkwardly lift Ebony out. "See
you inside," she said, leaving me to bring the sleeping Josh in.
I unbuckled him, noting that his right fist was clenched. Curiously, I
eased his fingers open. He was holding a handful of sand.
I folded his finger closed again over the sand, allowing him his
fragment of time, his evidence, and I carried him inside. He woke as I
put him down, and a wariness crossed his face as he tightened his fist,
remembering what he held. I offered him a small, clear vial I'd grabbed
on the way up, watching as he carefully emptied his handful into it.
Several grains of sand fell on his bedcovers and he dusted them off
carefully. I took the filled vial from him and put it down carefully on
his bedside table. He nodded thanks, and reached for the pajamas
jumbled at the end of the bed, waiting for me to leave before changing.
I didn't know much about children's behaviour but I felt this level of
selfconsciousness wasn't natural to six year olds.
"Night, buddy."
He smiled, a guarded smile, even a little distracted, as if a poem or
story were swirling in his head. "Night, Daddy."
And then he surprised me by reaching for a hug. Josh was still wary of
hugs, other than Erin's, that was. But now he held onto me with
surprising certainty and comfort. Father and son. I hadn't contemplated
that concept for a long time, if ever. And yet it had been an issue
ever since Scully and I had said "I do", since whenever it had been
that Josh - or I for that matter - realised that the relationship, the
family, might just last, and that the bond was there, acknowledged or
not.
I wanted to say something to Josh, tell him how proud I was of him, how
important his presence was in our lives, but the words stuck in my
throat. I couldn't devote hours to making him smile and giggle like I
could Erin, or even hug and tickle him like I did Astrid. I could only
pat him on the shoulder. Goodnight, son.
"Goodnight, Daddy," he whispered again, giving me a small smile.
end pt 11
=====
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