xfc: A Life Well Lived (3 of 7)
Angel Mulder
Part 3
Again I find myself on something soft, very soft. I
slowly open my eyes, wondering what I will see.
Scully's apartment. I sit up straight and spin in the
armchair I have found myself in. Yes, this is
Scully's apartment, just like I remember it. I
quickly stand up and walk around the room. I don't
see any pictures of Lauren and Nick. I press my
eyelids together to keep the tears at bay. That was a
different life, I try to tell myself.
But this is Scully's apartment. So, I still know her,
it can't be too bad. I slowly turn in a circle.
Along the back wall of the living room is a familiar
object - my couch. I walk over to it and take a seat.
Yes, this is my couch. "But what is it doing in
Scully's apartment?"
I expect a reply from my very own Ghost of Christmas'
nightmare, but he stands silently by the front door.
I look up at him expectantly. He turns toward the
dining area and I follow his gaze. There stands a
little Christmas tree. Slowly, I stand up and walk
toward it. "My ornament is on this tree as well," I
tell him, turning with it in my hand. He is gone.
"Good riddance," I mutter.
I take in the kitchen, living room, and dining room
again, and I begin to notice little things, books and
a few pictures, memorabilia from my life mixed in with
the décor of her apartment. I quickly glance down at
my hand - no wedding band. I slowly make my way to
the door of her bedroom. She is sound asleep in the
bed, sheets twisted around her body. But she and her
pillows are on one side. Next to the empty side of
the bed there is a nightstand, and upon that
nightstand is a book I remember buying a while back
with the intention of reading it when I got a chance.
I walk toward it, realizing as I do that this is my
side of the bed. Next to the book is a small picture
in a silver frame. I pick it up to inspect it. It is
of the two of us. It looks like a summer day, and the
background is possibly her mother's backyard. She is
standing in front of me and my arms are draped around
her, we are both smiling toward the camera. I set the
picture back down and walk over to the closet. I open
the door quietly. My clothes are on one side, hanging
next to a beautiful dress I hope to see Scully in one
day. I run my hand through her clothes and can smell
a soft ghost of a scent in the air. Her perfume. I
take a deep breath and exhale slowly.
I shut the closet door and walk over to the dresser.
There are a few more pictures of us and pictures of
Scully's family. I see one of Bill, Jr., and his
family. Matthew is growing up fast. By the look of
it, he is about 3 years old, which means this is the
very next Christmas. I haven't missed much time in
this timeline. I quietly open each drawer, enjoying
the freedom I have been granted in Scully's bedroom,
our bedroom. Her drawers are full of soft fragrant
clothing and I blush slightly when I stumble upon the
drawer with her under garments. A smile creeps upon
my face. I open the top drawer on my side. I
recognize my clothing and am about to shut the drawer
when something catches my eye. Nestled in between the
rows of socks is a small box. I pull it out and shut
the drawer, trying to stay quiet. I slip out of the
room and back into the living room and make myself
comfortable on my couch. I sink down into the
cushions, my eyes never leaving the small box in my
hand. I think I already know what is inside. Gently,
I pop the lid open and my eyes go wide with what I
see. This is the same ring I supposedly picked out
for Scully in the last vision or parallel world or
dream. I carefully pick it up to hold between my
fingers. The faint light from the Christmas tree
makes the diamonds gleam. A slow smile creeps across
my face as I notice there is an inscription on the
inside.
To Scully: My love, like this circle, has no end.
Merry Christmas.
I feel my eyes start to water. What will happen in
this timeline, if I am allowed to stay? I want to
find out, to live it, here with my love, my life. But
I know he will not let me stay. I feel my hand
tighten into a fist around the ring.
After I have calmed myself down, I put the ring back
in its box and softly walk back into the bedroom. I
replace the ring in my drawer and sit down on the bed.
I hear Scully murmur in her sleep and she rolls over
to face me, her eyes still closed. Gently, I lay down
on the bed next to her, facing her. I reach out one
hand and smooth it over her brow, pulling her hair
away from her face. She looks so peaceful and I
wonder what fills her dreams.
She reaches out in her sleep and her hand closes over
my arm. I can only watch her, my own hand still lying
on her face. After a while, she murmurs something
else, then turns and nestles herself into the arm I
still have over her. I gently slide her in closer to
me, until I can feel the warmth of her back against my
chest through her nightclothes. I slide my other arm
under her and hug her to me. I feel my breath catch
in my chest as tears slide down my cheeks and land in
her hair. I pray that I don't disturb her peaceful
sleep as I cry myself into oblivion.
There is hair tickling my cheek when I open my eyes.
Sunlight is peeking in around the blinds on the window
opposite the bed. Scully is still in my arms, sound
asleep. I let out a huge sigh and bury my face in her
hair, closing my eyes. It must be Christmas morning
now, and I have this one day to spend with her.
When I open my eyes this time, the bed is empty. I am
overcome with despair, thinking that I have missed my
one day somehow, that he has taken me while I sleep.
Then I hear a banging sound coming from the direction
of the kitchen. I slide out of bed and open the
drawer that holds the ring. I slip it into my pocket,
hoping she won't find it before I am ready to give it
to her. I tiptoe on silent feet into the dining room
and stand in the shadow of the tree, just watching
her. She is stunning. With ruffled curls and
wrinkled pajamas, she is still the most beautiful
sight I have ever beheld. I slide up behind her and
put my arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. She
steps back into my embrace and I can feel each
heartbeat, hers and mine.
"Merry Christmas," she whispers softly. "Did I wake
you?"
"Merry Christmas," I reply, "and there is no other
place I would rather be."
"You looked so peaceful this morning. I thought I
would make some breakfast before I woke you."
She turns in my arms and kisses me passionately before
slipping out of my embrace and opening the
refrigerator. I lean back against the table and just
watch her. She makes us each an omelet and toast. I
reach for two glasses and pour some orange juice, then
we sit down to breakfast together, on Christmas
morning. As I sit, I can feel the box in my pocket
rub against my leg. A smile stretches across my lips
at the thought.
"Mulder, what is it?" Scully asks, seeing the smile on
my face.
"I am enjoying your presence on this wonderful
morning," I say out loud, chastising myself in my head
for not having done this much sooner. I have seen the
results of just such a life.
After breakfast, I help her clean up the kitchen.
"Mulder, I have to make the pie that we are taking to
my mom's later. Why don't you go ahead and shower,
and I'll join you when it is in the oven." She smiles
seductively and I feel as if my face will crack with
all the smiling I have been doing lately.
I turn on the shower and feel the spray of water
getting hotter upon my hand. When it is hot enough, I
step out of my clothes and into the spray.
Unfortunately, Scully doesn't get a chance to join me
before the water starts to cool. I am almost a prune
now. Reluctantly, I turn off the water and towel off.
I have just gotten my jeans on when she comes into
the room.
"Sorry, Mulder. That was Mom. She was about to make
the mashed potatoes when she noticed they had all
grown roots. That was her on the phone, and I agreed
to make them, so I was peeling them while you finished
your shower. Any hot water left?" she asks.
I shake my head, trying not to let my disappointment
show. I am looking down, making a pretense of finding
my socks when I see it, the box. I quickly bend down
and grab it, sticking it in my back pocket now, so she
can't see it. She doesn't notice. She is looking out
the window and the sunlight streaming in is framing
her silhouette. Again she takes my breath away.
"I love you," I hear, barely said above a whisper.
She turns to look at me, and then I realize it was my
voice that said those words. The smile on her lips
lights up her eyes as she walks toward me. Her arms
go around my waist and I hear her murmur, "I love you,
too," against my chest.
"We haven't exchanged gifts yet this morning, Scully,"
I say, deciding to let the moment carry me away.
"No, we haven't. Go into the living room, Mulder,"
she says, looking up into my eyes. "I will bring your
gift out to you."
She brushes her lips against mine, then turns and
opens the closet. I am glued to the spot on the floor
upon which I am standing. I don't want to let her out
of my sight, even for a minute. "Go on," she says,
waving her hand in the direction of the door when she
notices I haven't left yet.
I grin at her stupidly, then head off like an obedient
puppy. I head directly for my couch and make myself
comfortable, slipping the ring box between the
cushions. A few minutes later, I hear her footsteps
then she is standing in front of me with a box in her
arms. She seats herself on the couch next to me,
quirking up her eyebrow at my choice of the old couch
over her comfortable furniture. She then sends me a
smile that warms me and sends a shiver down my spine
at the same time. She hands me the box then sits back
to watch me.
I look at the package. It is wrapped in gold paper, a
gold that reminds me of the letters on a stocking…
But I am losing my train of thought. I am still here,
with Scully, and this is where I want to be. No use
mourning over what can never be, but learn from it and
move on. I want to spend this time with Scully, the
true love of my life. I feel a hint of approval from
a presence around me. I look back up at Scully, but
it isn't coming from her. I look back over my
shoulder quickly, and breathe a sigh of relief when no
one is there.
"Are you okay, Mulder?" Scully asks, looking over my
shoulder, expecting to see whatever it was that
grabbed my attention.
"Yes, I'm fine." To draw her attention back to us, I
pick up the package and shake it. It doesn't rattle
and is fairly light. I have no idea what this could
be, and look back up at Scully.
"Open it, Mulder."
I nod and begin to tear into the wrapping. It reveals
a plain cardboard box. "Thanks, Scully. I have
always wanted one of these," I say. She giggles, a
sound I want to hear coming from her far more often.
"Keep going," she says.
I grin at her and pull the tape off the opening flaps
of the box. Inside are a bunch of packing peanuts.
Through them I have a glimpse of something electric
blue. I slowly pull it out, a little nervous about
receiving anything in this shade of blue, especially
from Scully. I continue to pull it out, and recognize
it as a bra. I hold it up to my chest. "Do you think
it's my size?" I ask.
I am rewarded with another giggle. "There's more,"
she tells me.
I reach down into the box and pull out something else
electric blue. "A pair of panties?" I ask feeling
very confused.
"Keep going," she says, rewarding my efforts with a
gorgeous smile and hint of something more in her eyes.
"There better be a coupon for a free bikini wax in
here," I say, and hear another round of giggles from
the other side of the couch. I reach into the box and
my fingers close over some paper, a packet of some
sort. I pull it out and see that it is a packet of
airline information, along with the brochure of a
hotel in Hawaii.
"Maui?" I ask.
"It is so cold and snowy here and you tease about
taking off sometime and going somewhere warm, relaxing
on a beach…"
"And you want me to wear this?" I ask, holding up the
bikini.
She schooled her features into a serious face I
remember from what seems like ages ago now and nods
her head. "Yes, Mulder, but you might want to pull
the straps down when you lay out. It helps with tan
lines." She turns her head away and I can see her
shoulders shaking from the laughter she is trying to
hide.
"Should I go model it for you?" I ask.
She loses it, her laughter ringing out in the
apartment we share. She turns back to me and her eyes
sparkle like the diamonds I have hidden in the jewelry
box in this couch. "I made the plans to go during
your Spring Break. I have already put it on my
schedule at the hospital and they have no problem with
that." She takes the box from my lap and sets it on
the floor. While she tidies up, my mind is racing.
She's a doctor and I am a professor, again. When did
we quit the X-Files this time?
I can feel her eyes on me. "Do you like it?" she
asks, her voice a bit hesitant. I look into her eyes
and I hope the love I see there is reflected in mine.
"It is perfect," I tell her in a voice husky with
emotion. "And I believe my present will go perfect
with that."
"Did you get me a bathing suit also? You really
shouldn't have," she says, laughter brimming in her
eyes again.
"Well, it's not a bikini, but it is something you can
wear on our trip." I reach behind me and pull the box
out from between the cushions. I slide off the couch
to sit at her feet. I pull the box out from behind me
and set it in the palm of her hand. "Merry Christmas,
Scully," I whisper.
She draws in her breath quickly when she recognizes it
as a jewelry box. Slowly, with slightly shaking
hands, she opens the box. "Oh, Mulder," she breaths,
"it is beautiful."
I kneel next to her and gently take the box from her
hands. I slip the ring out and slide it onto her
finger. "Not half as beautiful as its owner," I
whisper, not able to get my voice out any louder.
"Will you marry me, Scully?"
She nods as tears run down her cheeks. I pull her
onto the floor next to me and hold in my arms. "I
love you," I continue to murmur as I stroke her hair.
Finally, I pull back so I can see her face. I lift my
hands up and wipe her tears away with my thumbs. "Is
that a yes?" I ask.
"Yes, Mulder," she whispers.
"How about making that trip to Hawaii a honeymoon?" I
ask, knowing it is a trip I won't be making in this
lifetime.
She nods again, then buries herself in my arms,
nestling her head on my chest. I take a deep breath,
and smell something funny. "Scully," I say, hating to
break the moment, "do you smell that?"
"The pie!" she exclaims as she jumps out of my arms
and rushes to the kitchen. I follow at a slower pace
and arrive just as she is pulling it out of the oven.
"It looks good, just a little burnt at the edges," I
try to reassure her. She turns to me and rolls her
eyes. "At least we still have the potatoes," she
says, motioning to where the potatoes are gently
boiling on the stove. "I set them low so they
wouldn't boil over…wish I had thought to set the oven
timer."
I pull her into my arms again, and her arms circle my
waist. "Just like this circle, my love never ends," I
whisper.
I could have stood there forever, but Scully pulls out
of my arms and looks at the clock. "Mulder! I have
to take a shower and mash the potatoes and the
presents haven't been wrapped yet and we have to be at
my mother's in two hours, and with driving time we
might make it if we move it now!" She whips past me
and into the bedroom, only to return a few minutes
later with her arms full of gifts and brightly colored
wrapping paper. "I need you to wrap these while I
take a shower and get dressed. Then we have to mash
those potatoes," she tells me she turns off the heat
under them.
I frown at the presents on the table. "Each one is
marked somewhere on the package, don't forget to label
them after you wrap them," she throws back over her
shoulder. I watch her disappear around the corner and
hear the water start in the shower. I frown back at
the presents, hoping they might also disappear and
maybe make Scully reappear in their place… Back to
the task at hand, I tell myself, as I reach for the
closest package. It is a set of Legos for Matthew.
There is also a sweater for Tara and a set of
candlesticks for her mother, among other things strewn
up on the table. As I wrap them, my mind wanders, and
I wonder how I got here. I wonder what choices in my
life led me to this particular time line. I am
reminded of a discussion I once had with Scully upon
this topic, and I wonder if that happened here, in
this life.
I feel someone watching me, and I look up, afraid I'll
see his face. She is watching me instead. "What are
you thinking about?" she asks as she sits down across
from me at the table.
"Nothing in particular," I tell her. I smile at her,
but she must see something else in my face.
"I know the holidays are hard for you, especially now
that your family is gone," she says, reaching out to
take my hands in her own. I tuck away that bit of
information. "Does it help, now that you have
resolved Samantha's disappearance?"
I also tuck that bit away, and I know about how much
of my life before I have lived here, in this time. I
don't say anything, just sit with her hands in mine,
watching her.
"Do you regret leaving the X-Files after…after that
case?" she asks.
I shake my head and squeeze her hands. "No, that is
one choice I don't regret," I tell her, again meaning
it with every ounce of my soul, my essence.
She smiles at me, then looks at the packages I have
wrapped while she was in the shower. "Good job,
Mulder. I think you can finish those up in the time
it will take me to mash the potatoes." She squeezes
my hands then releases them as she stands up. She
walks over to the counter and begins to hum a
Christmas carol softly as she works. My hands take up
the task set before me as my mind again begins to
wander. I - we left the X-Files after the case with
the walk-ins, the one where I found my sister in
starlight. Well, that makes sense, I had solved the
biggest mystery of my life, my quest for my sister.
And look what I gained.
The car ride to her mother's was silent, but it was
peaceful, with the snow on the trees and ground
gleaming up at us in the soft sunlight. The two of
us, we don't need words. We communicate in a language
only the two of us understand, a silence laden with
things left unsaid because they don't need to be said.
I am on her mother's street before I realize it. I
pull up in front of the house and help her unload the
car, making the second trip for the rest of the
packages by myself, while Scully enjoys a round of
hugs from her family as she shares our news. When I
get to the door, her mother holds it open. I walk
into the living room and set the packages under the
tree. I stand back up and find her mother's arms
around me. "Merry Christmas, Fox," she says.
"Congratulations, I know how happy you make my
daughter, and how happy she makes you." Then she
turns and walks back into the kitchen. I follow her
and find the Scully family busy at work, preparing the
table for the afternoon meal.
"Merry Christmas," Tara says in my direction, "and
congratulations." Bill just nods and goes about his
job, placing a napkin on each plate.
"Merry Christmas," Matthew says, running over to hug
my legs. I have seen this child once, in my timeline
anyway, but he seems comfortable with me. Give him
time, I think to myself, glancing over at his father.
"Charlie can't make it this year," Scully says as she
passes by with a platter of turkey headed for the
table.
"All right, everyone," Mrs. Scully says, getting
everyone's attention. Scully takes my hand and leads
me to the table. Each person stands behind the chair
at his or her designated spot. I remember that
Melissa isn't here, and wince a little at the thought.
Each choice, I think to myself. I find myself
between Scully and her mother. Safe ground, I think.
Mrs. Scully reaches for my hand and then bows her head
to pray. Her prayer is a simple one, thanks for a
home and family and the love that surrounds us. I
hear the words in my head and my heart as I squeeze
Scully's hand, so warm and soft in mine own. I feel
her squeeze back.
The meal is spent with good food and delightful
conversation. Scully and her brother recall family
traditions and past Christmases. Whenever Melissa's
name is mentioned, I feel a tinge of guilt in the pit
of my stomach. After the meal and a quick clean up
time, the family heads into the living room to open
presents. I am impressed that Matthew has waited this
long. Then it comes out; he has already opened all
his presents from his parents and his grandma.
Amid the laughter and the wrapping paper, I feel a
sense of family. Scully had reminded me to mark all
the presents from both of us. And now I know why, as
a few presents are passed my way. Though they might
not all like me, they know I am a part of Scully's
life and they accept me into the family, albeit
reluctantly on the part of Bill, as I can tell by the
way he glances over at Scully and me from time to
time.
Bill starts up a fire in the fireplace and the time is
passed singing Christmas carols and telling stories.
Matthew falls asleep on his father's lap, and I hold
Scully close to keep the emptiness at bay. I try to
focus on this, for it is as real as anything I have
felt in my life.
Times flies by, as it tends to do when one really
wants to cherish it. Before I realize it, I am
standing in the doorway, receiving another hug from
Mrs. Scully. We head out the door with well wishes
and 'Merry Christmas' following our descent to the
sidewalk. I take Scully's hand in mine and lead her
to the car. I open the door for her and am rewarded
with a kiss before she slips into the seat. I open my
door and hop in. I turn the car on and buckle my
seatbelt.
"Merry Christmas, Mulder," I hear Scully mumble from
her seat. I glance over and she smiles at me. She is
watching me through droopy lids and I know she isn't
going to make it home awake. I smile and turn my eyes
to the road in front of us, to the road home.
The car ride passes way too quickly. I park the car
and get out. I walk over to Scully's side and open
the door. She fell asleep before we even hit the
highway. I glance back into the back seat. We
haven't received anything that won't make it through
the night in a cold car. I unbuckle her seatbelt and
gently lift her into my arms. Her arms go around my
neck and I check to see if she is still asleep; yes,
eyes closed, features peaceful, held in the grip of
dreamland. I swing the door shut with my leg and head
up to the building. She sleeps through it all, safe
in my arms, as I march up the steps and out onto her
floor. I balance her with my leg while I unlock the
door. She murmurs something softly against my neck
and I shiver as her breath tickles me. I walk to the
bedroom and gently lay her down on the bed. I remove
her coat, her socks, and her shoes and she curls up in
a ball. I walk back into the living room and hang our
coats in the closet. I take one last look around the
apartment before going back into the bedroom and
removing my own socks and shoes. I slide the blankets
down underneath her, then pull them back up over her.
I slip in between the sheets and settle my head on the
pillow. After a moment of watching her, I put my arm
out and slide her in against my chest. Her arms go
around me and I hear her sigh.
"Merry Christmas, Scully, my love," I whisper.
"Merry Christmas," I hear her mumble. I look down,
her eyes are still closed and I can tell she is still
asleep. I hold her close and fight the sleep what is
waiting to descend on me. One more hour, I try to
bargain with it. Only one more hour, one more day,
one more lifetime. Slowly, my eyelids close and I
know I have lost this battle as I fall prey to my own
sort of dreamland.
As I awaken, I am reluctant to open my eyes, for I
know where I am. My arms are empty and I can feel the
coldness of the room through every other sense. I
don't want my eyes to confirm what the rest of me
already knows.
"Are you beginning to see?" I hear his voice echo a
little in the metal room I know I am now standing in.
I open my eyes to allow him to see the pain I am
suffering. It is tearing through me, hurting worse
than any bullet or knife wound ever has.
He nods his head. "Good, you almost have it. And
what are you learning?"
"I am not your plaything," I tell him, a dark mood
settling upon me. "I am not something you can just
drop here or fling there whenever you feel like it for
your own amusement."
That is what you have learned? You humans are a big
disappointment. Nevermind. We are not done with you
yet."
I hang my head down, refusing to rise to the bait, and
I feel the familiar light-headedness before I slide
back down to the ground and the darkness settles in.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
How am I doing? Worth going on?
mulder...@yahoo.com
=====
Scully: Mulder, it is such a gorgeous day outside. Have you ever entertained the idea of
trying to find life on this planet?
Mulder: I have seen the life on this planet, Scully, and that is exactly why I am looking
elsewhere.
And check out my website at: www.muldersangel.homestead.com/xfshome.html
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