Don't Read This: Final pt. 2
Kyle Noskoviak
locker>
Janie: Hi Lisa. Say, ya know that book report due next week?
Lisa: Oh sure, I spent the weekend immersed in Kafka's The
Metamorphosis. It's a short but thoughtful existentialist tract on man
and his role...
Janie: (interupting) Really? Great. Listen, I was wondering if you
would be willing to write my report for me.
Lisa: What?!
Janie: I'll give you my Limited Edition Las Vegas Showgirl Malibu
Stacy.
Lisa: But that's dishonest and a clear violation of the school policy
book, Section five, paragraph three.
Janie: (upset) Oh, so you'll do your brother's homework but not your
best friend's?
Lisa: Brot...What are you talking about?
Janie: Bart's been saying that you wrote an essay for his history
class.
Lisa: (dawning realization) My essay! That little sneak...
<An older girl with an entourage walks up to Lisa>
Girl: Hi, are you Leslie Simpson?
Lisa: It's Lisa actually.
Girl: I'm Tammy Sherwin.
Lisa: Oh, I know. You're one of the most popular girls in school.
Also, you made fun of my shoes last week.
Girl: (nostalgic) Oh yeah. But hey, that was only because we're such
good friends. Say Leslie, would you like to come over to my house after
school? We could watch some videos, munch a little popcorn, maybe do
some geometry.
Lisa: Well, I supp...
<Good looking older boy walks up>
Boy: Hi, are you Liz Sheenan?
Lisa: Lisa Simpson.
Boy: Close enough. How are you at physics?
<Scene: Lisa's room late at night: She sits on the bed next to a stack
of papers writing furiously. The window is opened from the outside and
Bart crawls in>
Bart: (blinking) Aw damn, wrong room. Hey Lis, burning the two AM
oil?
Lisa: (very haggard sounding) Just some homework I have to finish up
before tommorow.
Bart: It's not like you to leave your schoolwork for the last minute.
Lisa: It's not mine, it's all other peoples'. Eight essays, eleven
book reports, forty-two worksheets, even a creative fingerpainting
project. (holds up paint-covered hands)
Bart: Why are you doing all this?
Lisa: Popularity. I'm getting invited over to all the cool kids'
houses, going to all the "in" social functions, and my place in the
lunchroom seating heirarchy has shot up meteorically in the last few
days.
Bart: (holding up a paper) You're trying to be popular with Ralph
Wiggum?
Lisa: Well, it's not all about popularity. That would be shallow. I'm
also doing it for fiduciary gain. I offer my services for a nominal
fee, or barter when necessary.
Bart: (gape-mouthed) I have a whole new respect for you.
Lisa: Go ahead, rub it in; my conscious hasn't been trampled on enough
already.
Bart: No, really. Any craven coward can live an honest life. It takes
real courage to cross over to the dark side. In fact, if you weren't my
sister or if we lived in Alabama I'd consider dating you.
Lisa: (disinterested) Gee, thanks.
<Bart starts walking out, then pauses in doorway>
Bart: By the way, how...
Lisa: (interupting) The prices are posted on the wall behind you.
<Bart turns and sees sheet with prices of various homework items:
reports, essays, etc)
<Scene: Springfield Elementary hallway. Lisa at her locker with Ralph>
Lisa: Here's your Curious George Goes to the Zoo review Ralph. I wrote
it in orange crayon and misspelled every fifth word so as not to arouse
suspicion.
Ralph: Thanks Lisa. Here's your pepper spray. Are you sure Daddy said
you could borrow it?
Lisa: (nervous) Oh...yeah, definitely. (passes container behind her
back to Nelson who slips her a $10 bill. Frame shifts over to Nelson
stopping Martin Prince in the hallway.)
Nelson: Hey Martin, want to smell my new French aftershave?
Martin: (gaily) Delightful! Put just a dab on my wrist.
(Nelson sprays a goodly amount on Martin's arm. He sniffs it deeply,
turns beet red, covers his mouth, and dashes into the bathroom)
Nelson: Ha Ha!
(back to Lisa and Ralph)
Lisa: Um, Ralph, one more thing. If the teacher asks you anything
today, just say...
<Scene cuts to Ms. Hoover's classroom>
Ms. Hoover: Class, you all did a wonderful job on your reading
assignments. Especially you Ralph. Despite the penmanship, poor
grammer, and punctuation errors, I found some of your points quite
insightful. Would you care to elaborate on your main thesis for the
class?
Ralph: You look pretty today Ms. Hoover.
Ms. Hoover: (blushing) Why thank you Ralph. Now about your report...
Ralph: You look pretty today Ms. Hoover.
<Scene: Simpson Kitchen>
Marge: Homer, I'm worried about Lisa. I had to pratically drag her
out of bed this morning. And then she decided to nap during breakfast
while absorbing the nutrients through her face.
<wider shot of table shows Lisa asleep face down in a cereal bowl
breathing through a plastic straw. Whistling sounds are audible as she
inhales>
Homer: (amazed) Hey...that's a great idea. Why didn't I think of
that?
(shot of Homer's head)
Homer's Brain: Don't look at me, I've been on strike since 1986.
(tight shot on Marge)
Marge: I'm really concerned Homer. You don't think it could
be...(lowers voice)...drugs, do you? Homer?
(Homer sits with his face in a plate of syrup-covered pancakes)
Homer: (mumbled) I have found Nirvana.
<Scene: Miss Hoover's classroom>
Hoover: Class dismissed. Lisa, would you mind staying after?
(Lisa trudges up to Hoover's desk)
Hoover: Lisa, I've noticed that your grades and participation have been
steadily dropping over the past week, which is even more perplexing
since many of your classmates have made dramatic improvements lately.
Of course, I have to assume you are on drugs of some kind.
Lisa: (dog-tired looking) No, no, it's not drugs, but I do have a
confession to make. My conscious won't let me live with this any
longer, and even if I could, all these caffeine pills are giving me
heart palpitations. The reason the other students have been doing
better is that I've been doing their homework for them. I haven't had
enough spare time to do my own very well.
Hoover: (shocked) Why would you do such a thing?
Lisa: (disgustedly) The usual reasons: fame and fortune. Essays,
reports, I'd do anything which helped my popularity or pocketbook.
Hoover: (speaking slowly and thoughtfully) Lisa, I'm very disappointed
in you. (pause) Speaking in a strictly hypothetical sense, if a
certain teacher had offered to give you straight A's if you wrote and
graded her tests for the rest of the year, how would you have responded?
Lisa: A week ago, I probably would have accepted. But I'm back on the
high road now.
Hoover: (under her breath) Damn! (to Lisa) Well good, but you must be
punished. Go to the principal's office immediately.
<Scene: Skinner's Office>
Skinner: Lisa, for your flagrant violation of the Code of Tutoring
Ethics, I have decided to punish you by making you fill out the school's
invoices, requisition requests, and bascially all other trifling
paperwork for a period of six months. (drops a folder of forms onto the
desk) You can get started on these. And remember, sign everything
"Seymour Skinner".
<Scene: Semirural road. Chief Wiggum is driving along with a grocery
bag on the seat next to him. Karma Kameleon is playing on the radio,
and while singing the wrong lyrics, Wiggum reaches into the bag and
pulls out a box of powdered donuts. Wiggum struggles to open the
package>
<Shot of Homer driving along same road in opposite direction>
<Back in cruiser, Wiggum steers with one hand, holds the box with the
other, and tears at the end with his teeth. He yanks forcibly and the
box rips apart, sending up a thick cloud of powdered sugar inside the
car. Wiggum squeals like a surprised pig>
<POV: Homer. He sees the cruiser coming towards him, swerving in and
out of its lane. He screams and hastily tosses the cinderblock out the
half-open window, shattering the glass.>
<Inside the cruiser, Wiggum, blinded, yanks the wheel hard left. The
car flips over several times and winds up on its top, skidding towards
Homer, who has managed to stop with the aid of his stopping board. The
flipped cruiser skids very slowly up to Homer's car and just barely taps
the front bumper. First, the sedan's muffler falls to the ground. Then
both bumpers. Then the side panels. The hood and trunk pop open, the
radiator bursts, all the windows spiderweb and fall in, then silence for
a few beats. Then all four tires simultaneouly blow out.>
<Wiggum crawls out of his overturned and burning car and walks up to
Homer>
Wiggum: Wow. You'd think the first twenty or thirty accidents would
teach me not to eat and drive.
Homer: O, but what man is strong enough to resist the temptation?
Wiggum: (as gas tank explodes) Donut? (Homer, of course, accepts).
<Later at same scene. Fire crews have foamed both cars. A tow truck
pulls up.>
Tow Truck Driver: Hi Chief, flipped it again, eh?
Wiggum: It was a pastry-related incident.
Mechanic: Ok, you sir (nodding towards Homer), I'll need your insurance
info.
Wiggum: Oh, you can put him on my tab.
Homer: Well, my car problems were certainly resolved rather neatly.
Wiggum: (to Homer) We can either catch a ride with this guy (gesturing
at tow truck) or walk back into town. (They look at each other
seriously for a moment, and then burst into laughter).
Homer: (laughing hard) Walk! That's a good one!
<Shot of Homer, Wiggum, and Tow Truck Driver inside tow truck starting
back home and then truck heading off into sunset. We still hear the
dialog inside>
Homer: Walkers are such losers.
Wiggum: Oh, I know! You ever pull up to hitchhikers and ask em
directions just for fun?
Homer: No, I usually just throw stuff. Say, do you have any of those
donuts left?
Wiggum: (sad) No. (happy) But hey, wait, I just found a burrito in
my pistol holster. Huh, I wonder where that gun went.
Homer: Can I have part of that?
Wiggum: Well, since I almost killed you, you can have one bite.
(sound of Homer chomping)
Wiggum: Hey, Hey! That's a big bite, don't make me use my Taser. Let
it go. That's it, you're getting Tased. (pause) Hey, another burrito.
Truck descends into speck to the strains of that golden oldie "Sittin'
in My Car"
Fini
Brad Bizzolt
>Bart: No, really. Any craven coward can live an honest life. It takes
>real courage to cross over to the dark side. In fact, if you weren't my
>sister or if we lived in Alabama I'd consider dating you.
OK, I don't see any way in hell that this last line here wouldn't be axed.
Definitely lose the Alabama thing; it doesn't really make it a much funnier
line, and it's guaranteed to garner many an angry letter from a certain US
state's viewers.
Oh, and that was probably one of the funniest endings I've "seen" in a while.
I hate to sound like an asskisser or something, but what can I say? I loved almost
everything about this, and I normally -hate- all Simpsons fanscripts that I waste my
time by reading. I'm sure in editing, Lisa's situation would wrap itself up in a
slightly different manner; it just didn't seem to be the typically tight "sitcomish"
clean wrap-up. Maybe one more smallish scene could be added somewhere.
Hell, I don't know, that's why I'm not the one writing the episodes.
-----------------------------------------------
bizzolt(at)hotmail*com
The Fantastics - the noise 'n' roll revolution
http://rsl.net/bizz
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AST
alt.tv.simpsons on On Sat, 24 Oct 1998 at 02:29:16 and wrote:
>Fini
OH GREAT STUFF!!!!!! Did drag along a bit at times....and a few lines
of dialogue were just a BIT off character, but all in all....WONDERFUL..
.HILLARIOUS!!! TOP CLASS!! :@)
--
Alessio Tiramani
Replace "d66ABd-65465215" With "Alessio" (If you don't, I won't get it!)
"I think That I Shall Never See, My Cataracts Are Blinding Me." --Hans Moleman
trins...@fuse.net
Kyle Noskoviak <nosk...@carleton.edu> wrote:
(a pretty darn good fan script)
Well, in my year or so on a.t.s., I can remeber very few fan scripts that are
of as high quality as this one. Good satire, easily visualized sight gags,
on-target charactarization, and a nice, not-too-far-out-there plot. Very
good work Kyle!
--
Tom Rinschler
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Jessi Cuellar
I have read many scripts written by fans,and they all sucked.Yours was
fabulous.I could actually see it happening.
Most of these scripts are so far out there,with the characters doing
things they would never do.You stayed true to character,and the dialogue
(sp?) was right on.I don't want you to get a big head now,with all the
positive posts,but you wrote a better episode than some of the ones we
have seen on FOX lately.Good job.I think I speak for alot of us here at
ats when I say,let's see some more scripts.
Jessi
AST
Sat, 24 Oct 1998 at 20:12:22 and wrote:
>In article <363181...@carleton.edu>,
> Kyle Noskoviak <nosk...@carleton.edu> wrote:
>
>(a pretty darn good fan script)
>
>Well, in my year or so on a.t.s., I can remeber very few fan scripts that are
>of as high quality as this one. Good satire, easily visualized sight gags,
>on-target charactarization, and a nice, not-too-far-out-there plot. Very
>good work Kyle!
NOW...he needs to clean it up, remove all bit we KNOW would be cut
(Alabama references...etc.), copywrite it properly, send it to his
lawyer to be locked away and then make a profit when he sends it in to
FOX. :@)
trins...@fuse.net
AST <d66ABd-...@valdena.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> <mailto:trins...@fuse.net> posted an article to alt.tv.simpsons on On
> Sat, 24 Oct 1998 at 20:12:22 and wrote:
> >In article <363181...@carleton.edu>,
> > Kyle Noskoviak <nosk...@carleton.edu> wrote:
> >
> >(a pretty darn good fan script)
> >
> >Well, in my year or so on a.t.s., I can remeber very few fan scripts that are
> >of as high quality as this one. Good satire, easily visualized sight gags,
> >on-target charactarization, and a nice, not-too-far-out-there plot. Very
> >good work Kyle!
>
> NOW...he needs to clean it up, remove all bit we KNOW would be cut
> (Alabama references...etc.), copywrite it properly, send it to his
> lawyer to be locked away and then make a profit when he sends it in to
> FOX. :@)
>
Why would the Alabama part be cut? The inference that you could sell
children in Mississippi made it to air in
"Simpsoncalifragalisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious", as did an entire song
denegrating New Orelans in "A Steetcar Named Marge".
Brad Bizzolt
>Why would the Alabama part be cut? The inference that you could sell
>children in Mississippi made it to air in
>"Simpsoncalifragalisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious", as did an entire song
>denegrating New Orelans in "A Steetcar Named Marge".
I dunno, I think incest is still too sensitive an issue, even for FOX.
J.A. Brown
I really think you should get an agent, and quickly because someone may
steal this from you. I've got a couple of ideas too. Maybe when the
salesman says testdrive Homer could go into a fantasy where he is in the
cartoon Speed Racer, and when he comes out of it he could say
"Lousy, Racer X" And when the firemen foam the cars, they could foam
Homer too. Wiggum: "What the hell are you guys doing? He's not on fire."
Firemen: "Oh, sorry, He smelled like he was burning."
Just some ideas. You really ought to get an agent though.
Andrew Gill
<3633a...@news3.enter.net>...
>
> I dunno, I think incest is still too sensitive an issue, even for
FOX.
``Geez, Homer, you `n' Marge ain't cousins, are ya?''
--
|Andrew A. Gill |I posted to Silent-Tristero and|
|<fruadman_tru...@juno.com> |all I got was this stupid sig! |
|alt.tv.simpsons CBG-FAQ author | |
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From [4F] something or other. I'm too lazy to look it up.
Paul Tomko
>In article <863qkJA+...@valdena.demon.co.uk>,
> AST <d66ABd-...@valdena.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>> <mailto:trins...@fuse.net> posted an article to alt.tv.simpsons on On
>> Sat, 24 Oct 1998 at 20:12:22 and wrote:
>> >In article <363181...@carleton.edu>,
>> > Kyle Noskoviak <nosk...@carleton.edu> wrote:
>> >
>> >(a pretty darn good fan script)
>> >
>> >Well, in my year or so on a.t.s., I can remeber very few fan scripts that are
>> >of as high quality as this one. Good satire, easily visualized sight gags,
>> >on-target charactarization, and a nice, not-too-far-out-there plot. Very
>> >good work Kyle!
>>
>> NOW...he needs to clean it up, remove all bit we KNOW would be cut
>> (Alabama references...etc.), copywrite it properly, send it to his
>> lawyer to be locked away and then make a profit when he sends it in to
>> FOX. :@)
>>
>
>children in Mississippi made it to air in
>"Simpsoncalifragalisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)cious", as did an entire song
>denegrating New Orelans in "A Steetcar Named Marge".
It probably wouldn't be cut. They'd just change it to Arkansas. That way
no one could complain, because it would be true.
Paul
<Ducking and covering>
--
Paul Tomko to...@xnet.com http://www.tomkoinc.com
7500+ Humorous Quotes http://www.tomkoinc.com/quotes.html
"All statements contained herein may be accurate, but might also be carefully
designed lies intended to induce an angry response." - Mike Chapman
J. C. R.
real episode. You got a lot of talent.
I think I may post my fan script
one of these days. BTW, if you think that they would never accept you as a
writer, take heart.
Many of OFF's writers today used to be common every
day fans just like you and me. Try contacting the network and, if possible,
the show's writers. Hey, it couldn't hurt.
You definitely have potential.
Sorry to sound like an asskisser and all, but that's how I feel.
-**** Posted from Supernews, Discussions Start Here(tm) ****-
http://www.supernews.com/ - Host to the the World's Discussions & Usenet
Andrew Gill
<fcQZ1.1609$IE2.4756499@WReNphoon1>...
>
> Many of OFF's writers today used to be common every
> day fans just like you and me.
[SNIP!]
Oh, yeah! Good one!
--
|Andrew A. Gill |I posted to Silent-Tristero and|
|<fruadman_tru...@juno.com> |all I got was this stupid sig! |
|alt.tv.simpsons CBG-FAQ author | |
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Haxtone: Yeah, I wrote the Icky!
Benjamin Robinson
In alt.tv.simpsons, on the "Don't Read This: Final pt. 2" thread, Kyle
Noskoviak wrote:
>[a fine fanscript]
I was going to summarize the specific scenes I like, but there were too many
of them. (Well, maybe just one: "UPN. Please watch, we have families too
you know.") Both plots were terrific (although being a car fan probably
helped me appreciate the second one), and I liked the way Skinner resolved
the Lisa storyline.
Some other comments:
1) The "Alabama" line didn't bother me, but I seriously doubt a scene were
Kent Brockman calls slow children "retards" would make it past the network
censors.
2) Lisa's decision to hire herself out as a homework helper came a hair too
quick for me. I think she would have agonized over the decision a bit more.
Aside from that I'd say you've written her well.
3) Sammy Sosa is an even funnier choice than McGwire for Homer's "I.D.,"
because the two look even less alike. Good move, there.
4) Calling your post "Don't Read This" almost backfired, because I assumed
it was a test message and didn't read it. It was only when I saw bunches of
replies that I decided to investigate.
Like others in this group have said, I can totally believe this as an
episode. If you ever write another one, I look forward to seeing it on
a.t.s.
"Yeah, Kyle Noskoviak's current episodes are pretty good, but the earlier
ones really rocked."
--
Benjamin Robinson bj...@freenet.tlh.fl.us
This message may or may not contain sarcastic content; your burden to decide
"Today you will learn what truth is, and how to act on it."
-- Jesse Liberty