Part Thirty Four of The Alternative Red Dwarf!/Website Information, etcetera.

[Marie Birch]

The Fifth love of Lister's life, had been: Lise Yates, and the story
about that, had been very complicated, indeed! Lister and the Cat, who
had been kitted out, in space suits, had been celebrating Rimmer's
Deathday, on a planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for
me, to give a real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie
Birch), and they had all had, far too much to drink, and when Lister and
his fellow Dwarfers had woken up, the next day, Lister could not
understand for the life of him, exactly why, he had finished his jigsaw
puzzle, of Red Dwarf, which had been given to him, when he had started
out, as a Third Technician, courtesy of The Jupiter Mining Corporation,
but there was also the question of Lister and the Cat waking up, and
disovering, that their broken legs, had been encased, in plaster,
without any sufficient explanation, whatsoever!

And the Cat had stated, quite simply - "OK, which one of you chimpanzees
did this?!".

And Holly had also stated - "Who's been messing with my star charts?
Here I am trying to do the comprehensive, nay, definitive A-Z of the
entire universe, with Street names, Post Offices, and little steeples,
and everything and some git's been fiddling with it!". And Lister had
strongly informed Holly, that it had got, absolutely nothing to do,
with him, and the Cat, whatsoever! They were as just, as much, in the
dark, as Holly was!

Holly insisted - "Look there's a perfectly logical explanation for
everything. With the possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond!".

Rimmer had never even heard of Jimmy Osmond! There must be some Red
Dwarf fans out there, who must envy him, where that is concerned,
including me!

But that said, however, I happen to like, Jimmy Osmond's hit: Long
Haired Lover From Liverpool! Maybe I am a stickler for punishment!

But that said, however, Detective Chief Inspector Gene Hunt, in Ashes
to Ashes, had not liked, little Jimmy Osmond, especially when he had
had to torture a little boy, who had vandalised, an absolutely essential
important Government property, during the 1983: General Election Night.
A Polling Station, to be precise! And he had dragged,
the little bleeder, I am so sorry, the little boy, around the Police
Station, by his ear! And his partner: Detective Inspector Alex (Bolly
Knickers) Drake, had stated - "Guv, he's only ten!". And Gene Hunt's
concerned reply, to his kindhearted, partners advice, to that, had been
- "So, was little Jimmy Osmond, and he caused more pain and suffering,
than anybody, could ever imagine!".

However, Holly was concerned, that today, had been Sunday, but he
could not understand, for the life of him, why Rimmer's Motivator/Cum
Alarm clock, had read: Thursday. And the Cat's obvious intellectual
answer, to that, had been - "And my foot says, "Get the person who did
this to my foot!". And Lister, had also been concerned, that four pages,
have been torn out of his diary! And Rimmer soon realised, that what,
with one thing, and another, that somehow they had lost the last four days!

The Cat had also stated - "Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose
something it's nearly always there!". And then suddenly Rimmer had an
instant brainwave, which had been very rare for him! "Aliens!". And the
Cat's response, to that, had been - "What are you talking about, grease
stain?!". Rimmer went on to explain, to his fellow Dwarfer's - "It's a
well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe,
erase your memory, and put you back!" Lister was not convinced by
Rimmer's explanation, which was not all that surprising, really and he
voiced his opinions, that aliens, would not just come aboard, the ship,
without question, and break his leg, and complete his jigsaw, without
a smegging good reason! Rimmer went on to inform, his fellow doubtful
Dwarfers, that they had just not been thinking alien! And that's what
aliens are: alien! And that, they do alien things! Things that are...
...alienesque! Maybe that this is the way they communicate!?

Unfortunately however, Lister and the Cat, did not buy into Rimmer's
argument, and that they felt, that aliens, did not communicate by
breaking legs, and doing jigsaws?! However Rimmer, could not understand,
why aliens, spoke, in the way, that they did? And that was because, they
werre aliens! And Lister's rather sarcastic response, to that, had been
- "Okay, Professor, what does it mean?!".

And Rimmer had gone on, to explain, to his fellow Dwarfer's, that
breaking your leg hurts like hell, Okay? "Hel". They do it below the
knee, "lo". "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice -- twice, "two". "Hello
to". And the jigsaw must mean "you". "Hello to you!". And the Cat's
response, to that, had been - "I wouldn't like to be around, when one of
these suckers is making a speech!".

As it turned out, Lister had had a sudden thought, and he had asked
Holly, what had happened, to the Black Box! Because he had soon
realised, that the Black Box would have recorded everything, they would
haved needed to know! Unfortunately however, it was not as simple, as
all that, and even though, Holly had done his level best, to fish it
out, he soon discovered, that it had disappeared, and that, it had been
half-inched! (And half-inched translates, as Pinched, for foreigners,
out ther, who are not familiar, with Cockney Rhyming Slang! Or Cock
Eyed Rhyming Slang, as one of the students: Giovanni Cupello, in the
1977-1986: Mind Your Language Comedy Series, had kindly referred, to it,
as! Well, right first time, where Cockney Rhyming Slang, is concerned,
for me, when it actually comes down to it, at the end of the day! Marie
Birch). Fortunately however, Holly soon remembered, that as the Black
Box, gives off a signal, they could quite easily trace it, when all was
said and done!

And so, Lister and his fellow Dwarfers, soon discovered, that the Black
Box signal, was coming from, the planet's moon (that had been far too
insignificant, for me, to give a real description, in this Fan Fiction
of mine! Marie Birch), and they had boarded Blue Midget, which would
take them back to the planet's moon (that had been far too
insignificant, for me, to give a real description, in this Fan Fiction
of mine! Marie Birch), so that they could find the black box's exact
whereabouts!

Blue Midget, had made a terrible noise, on their journey, to the
planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for me, to give a
real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie Birch),
and Lister had insisted, that there was something wrong, with the
gearbox. And Rimmer had been, in the process of locating, via Blue
Midget's scanners, and Lister, had insisted, that trying to locate, the
Black Box, would be impossible! And that, it could be anywhere, on the
planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for me, to give a
real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie Birch), And that,
it would be like trying to find a fart, in a jacuzzi!

Fortunately however, Rimmer had finally managed to pinpoint, the Black
Box's exact location, via sound only, via Blue Midget's scanners, on the
planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for me, to give a
real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie Birch).

In the end, Lister and the Cat, who had been kitted out, in their space
suits, on the planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for
me, to give a real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie
Birch), once again. And Lister had asked Rimmer, via his radio, if he
had managed, to get a picture, on Blue Midget's scanners. He had
eventually managed, to get a picture, on Blue Midget's scanners, but he
had to inform him, that the quality, had been terrible. And that, it had
been like, watching Spanish television!

In the end, Lister and the Cat, had eventually discovered, a footprint,
which had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard, on the planet's moon
(that had been far too insignificant, for me, to give a real
description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie Birch). And the
footprint, which had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard, had
resembled a footprint of a moonboot, or a crater, made by a great big
stone! And the Cat, had measured, the footprint, which had been, as big,
as the size of a surfboard, which had resembled a footprint of a
moonboot, or a crater, made by a great big stone, and his response, to
that, had been - "I don't believe the size of these feet! Can you
imagine the problems this guy must have, trying to get fashionable
shoes?!". And Lister's answer to that, had been - "I wonder if it's
true, what they say about the size of your feet? I mean, if it is, this
guy could probably go to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump!"

And Rimmer, had been, in a bit of a panic, with regard, to the footprint
which had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard, which Lister and the
Cat, had eventually discovered, on the planet's moon (that had been far
too insignificant, for me, to give a real description, in this Fan
Fiction of mine! Marie Birch). And the footprint, which had been, as
big, as the size of a surfboard, had resembled a footprint of a
moonboot, or a crater, made by a great big stone! And, he had insisted,
that they should come back, because he had been afraid, that it would
have been some oscure alien, who was going, to eat them, for it's
breakfast, lunch, tea and suppertime!

Lister and the Cat, had soon discovered, that there had been more of the
footprints, which had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard,
on the planet's moon (that had been far too insignificant, for me, to
give a real description, in this Fan Fiction of mine! Marie Birch).
And the footprints, which had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard,
had resembled a footprint of a moonboot, or a crater, made by a great
big stone, had eventually lead, Lister and the Cat, round a corner!

And Rimmer had stated - "So, a surfboard-foot sized monster came aboard,
did a jigsaw, drained our memories, and broke a couple of our legs. So
what? 'Forgive and forget', is what I say! Lister had ignored,
Rimmer's cowardly response, of their discovery, of the footprints, which
had been, as big, as the size of a surfboard, had resembled a footprint
of a moonboot, or a crater, made by a great big stone, because he had
suddenly noticing something significant). And Lister
suddenly commented - "This I don't believe! It's a gravestone!" And
after reading the gravestone, Lister stated - "To the memory... To
the memory of Lise Yates!" And Lister had to admit, to Rimmer and the
Cat, that he had gone out, with a girl, who had been called Lise Yates!
(which had been pronounced, as Lisa). And finally, Lister and the Cat,
had discovered, that the black box, had been buried in the grave, which
had been very shallow, indeed. And therefore, the Black Box, had been
very easy, for him to pick up, and take back to Blue Midget, when it
actually came down to it, at the end of the day!

And after, Lister and the Cat, had returned, to Blue Midget, they opened
the black box and loaded up, the recording. Lister who was
desperate, to find out, just exactly what they had been missing, for the
best part of four days, did a comic impersonation of Humphrey Bogart -
"Well play it, Sam!".

And once, the Black Box recording started to play, the words "Black Box
Recording, Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf" come on the screen
followed by a pre-recorded version of HOLLY. And Holly's response, to
that had been - "Nice looking bloke!". And the Black Box:
Holly had stated - "I don't know whether anyone will ever find this, but
if they do and it's you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it! Some
things are best left buried!". And with that, Holly suddenly froze the
Black Box recording! Lister had asked Holly, why he had frozen the Black
Box recording, and Holly had informed, his fellow Dwarfers - "You heard
what he said! He knows what he's talking about, that dude!". Lister
decided, that he wasn't going to take any nonsense, from Holly, and he
ordered him, in a rather impatient manner - "Come on, Hol, from Saturday
night!".

And now, that a completely knackered up Lister has met up, with a very
disorientated Kryten, and an utterly shattered Cat, are now fully aware,
of exactly just what, is their position, with Holly, in the Science
Room, with regard, to their present situation, on the Dwarf, where their
route, back to Earth, is concerned, will they have the misfortune, to
encounter the evil Gelf's, of unknown origins, that had been, in
residence, on the Dwarf, about two hundred years previously, before
they can even reach the ice Blue Moon (which will take them, the best
part of a week, to reach!), that they have got to orbit, for the best
part of a week, before they can even set off, for their brand new
destination: The Andromeda Galaxy, is concerned? They could not be, that
unlucky, could they?! Surely not?!

And, now that we are also fully aware, of what has happened, where
Rimmer's whereabouts, are concerned. Will Holly be able to resolve, the
problem, that is affecting his Light Bee, where restoring him, is
concerned, over the next forty eight hours, if she wants to restore him,
that is?!

And will Lister be able, to give poor Kryten, the re-charging time of
ten hours, via his maxi-recharging unit, in his Sleeping quarters, that
is absolutely essential, to enable him, to perform his duties,
adequately and sufficiently enough, on the Dwarf, one hundred percent,
before the Cat gets his hands, on him, to clean his Sleeping quarters
out, before he can get around, to getting the Skutters, to do all, of
the repairs, that are absolutely necessary, to the roof, of the
corridor, and clean up, the corridor, by Lister and Rimmer's Sleeping
quarters, as well as sprucing up, Lister and Rimmer's Sleeping quarters?!

And now, that we have discovered, that our perky pal, Talkie Toaster,
has finally stopped functioning, after keeping Holly company, for the
best part of four hundred and four years, will Kryten, ever be able to
repair him, after he is up and running, again?! Or do we really want,
Talkie Toaster, up and running again, especially if he is going, to make
constant demands, of the Boyz of the Dwarf, to eat, a lot of bread
related products, in the near future?!

And now that Lister, has finally managed, to get a good nights sleep,
just exactly what is the significance, and relevance of the dreams, that
he is having, about all of the women, that he had ever been with, over
the years, especially with regard, to Lister's ex-girlfriend: Lise
Yates, and the Black Box, that had been located, on the Planet's Moon,
where they had originally celebrated, Rimmer's: Deathday?!

And is there a possibility, that Lister, will not come to blows, with
the Cat, before they set off, for Earth, once again?!

And exactly, just what, is the significance of the long silver space
ship, especially, where the radio signal, and those two large silver
coffins, are concerned?!

Find out all this and more, in the next exciting instalment of:

The Alternative Red Dwarf!

My new version of the Alternative Red Dwarf, which is actually set, on
the Dwarf, is now available, for viewing, or downloading, at:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/mainaltreddwarf.htm

If you would like to go directly on to my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website, the
web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/xanadureddwarf.htm

Now available on my Xanadu Red Dwarf Website.

A review of Red Dwarf VIII filmed live at Shepperton
Studios of the 4th of December 1998!
Some new Red Dwarf links on the Xanadu Red Dwarf Links
Website, which includes links to:
Red Dwarf: The Official Website.
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (UK, Eire and Europe).
The Official Red Dwarf Fan Club Website (U.S.A, Australia and
New Zealand).
The Craig Charles Funk and Soul MySpace Website.
The Unofficial Craig Charles Website.
The Unofficial Captain Butler Website.
The Danny John-Jules MySpace Website
The BBC CBBC MI High Website
The BBC CBeebies Story Makers Website
The Hideout (A Maid Marian and Her Merry Men Website)
Kryten's Homepage.
The Unofficial Chloe Annett and The Unofficial Clare Grogan Websites.
The Unofficial Emile Charles Website.
The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Group and The Inquisitor Red Dwarf Website.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Discussion and Fan Fiction Microsoft Windows:
Live: SkyDrive Group Message Board.
And on the Xanadu Red Dwarf Website, itself, are:
Future Red Dwarf Projects.
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Favourite Episode Guide
has recently, been updated!
The Xanadu Red Dwarf Fact File Website.
A review of the film: Xanadu, and the lyrics for the
theme song: Xanadu by Olivia Newton-John!
A review of the Red Dwarf VII Extended episodes:
Tikka To Ride/Ouroboros/Duct Soup/Possible
unedited material for Red Dwarf VII, plus a review
of Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg/The Tenth Anniversary
Smeg Ups/Universe Challenge and The Children In
Need sketch.
The Explanation For The Time Drive in Transporting
The Red Dwarf Posse Back To Earth in Tikka To Ride:
(Episode I, Red Dwarf VII), as well as, The Heady
Medieval Atmosphere of 15th Century Space!
A review of the Red Dwarf VIII episodes: Back
In The Red I to III!

Recently added to Xanadu: A Review of Red Dwarf VII
by Marie Birch and Kevin Blake, and An Additional Review
of Red Dwarf VII by Marie Birch!

For those of you, who are interested, in my Unofficial Craig
Charles Website, the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/craigcharles.htm

Recently added to my Unofficial Craig Charles Website:

The ITV Coronation Street Website.
The Lloyd Mullaney (Coronation Street Character) Profile Website.
A Craig Charles Funk and Soul Page Website.
The Craig Charles Career Profile Microsoft Windows: Live: SkyDrive Group
Message Board.
The Craig Charles Yahoo! Groups Message Board.
The Street (Coronation Street) Yahoo! Groups Message Board.
The Smegaround: Smeg Around - Just A Place To Smeg Around Yahoo! Groups
Message Board.
A Profile of Craig Charles' Work For BBC 6 Music! Plus Some Very
Important BBC 6 Music Information!
The BBC 6 Music Extra Information Website.
Craig Charles: Former Fan Club Information.
A Craig Charles: Back From Hell: Red Dwarf VII (September 1996) Interview.
Craig Charles: Autobiography Information.

For those of you, who are interested, in my Unofficial
Captain Butler Website, the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/captainbutler.htm

Recently added to the Unofficial Captain Butler
Website:

A link has been set up, for the Captain Pugwash
Website/The Captain Butler Maritime and
Non-Maritime Incidents Website, informs you, all about,
The Mary Celeste Mystery and just exactly, how old,
Admiral Horatio Nelson, was, when he lost his arm!
The Captain Butler Good and Evil Pirates Website,
informs you, about, all, that you need to know, about,
Blackbeard, and the renowned legitimate Pirate:
Sir Francis Drake!
And my Captain Butler Fan Fiction: On The Goodship
Lady Captain has recently been updated!

For those of you, who are interested, in finding out more,
about the late actor: Barry Evans, who starred, in the
Doctor series, and Mind Your Language, and not to mention,
the films: Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush, Die
Screaming Marianne, The Adventures of a Taxi Driver,
and Under The Doctor. And Barry also appeared, alongside,
the late actor and comedian: Dick Emery, in the 1982 BBC
Comedy series: Emery: A Legacy of Murder. Then please go
to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/barryevans.htm

For those of you who are interested in the Doctor series,
the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/doctorseries.htm

I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of the Doctor series: Why Do You Want To
Be A Doctor?

For those of you who are interested in Mind Your Language,
the web reference is:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/mindyourlanguage.htm

I am also in the process of working on a review of the very
first episode of Mind Your Language: The First Lesson.

With regard to these reviews, they are incomplete, due to time
constraints, but they are available, for viewing or downloading,
via the appropriate websites, above, and they will always be,
permanently available, for this purpose! And when, they are
complete, it will be my intention, to notify, the various newsgroups,
to whom, they have been posted to! But in the meantime however,
my sincere apologies, for any delays, caused, anyway, and my thanks,
go to all, on alt.comedy.british, who are interested, in my Barry Evans/
/Doctor series and Mind Your Language Website's, anyway! And, it is
always nice to know, that there is more, than enough interest, to make
it, more, than worth my while, to keep, those websites going, thank you!

However, I am intending, to do brief plot summaries, of all, of the
Doctor series episodes and Mind Your Language episodes, when, I next
work, on my Barry Evans/Doctor series and Mind Your Language Websites,
as the reviews, that I am doing, of each episode, are very in-depth,
indeed, and they may, take up, a lot of web space, in the meantime! And
it is probably, for the best, if I set up, an Episode Summary website,
in the meantime, which will be, considerably shorter anyway, and for all
fans, of the Doctor series, and Mind Your Language series, then at the
very least, I have always, got something, that, will give them,
something, to keep them going, for quite, a long time!

I will also, put up, a short independent notice, for this purpose, as
soon, as it is possible, for me, to do so, anyway, especially, as I do
get, a lot of enquiries, via email, in general, via the Doctor series
and Mind Your Language series, from all over, the world!

More recently, on my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy Website, you may be interested, to know, that, there are also
links set up, for The Men From The Ministry Website, and a Maid Marian
and Her Merry Men Website (but there isn't very much, on the Maid Marian
and Her Merry Men Website, apart, from the series episode list, and a
Plot Summary Episode List Website, and a picture of Maid Marian and Her
Merry Men, but at the very least, there is now a Website, for the
series, at long last!)

And for those of you who are interested in my Maid Marian and Her Merry
Men website, then please go to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/maidmarianandhermerrymen

And for those of you who are interested in Lynne Guy's General
Information and Classic British Comedy Website, then please go to:

http://www.viola123.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/lynnes.htm

On my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British Comedy
Website, you will find links set up for:

Our Astronomy Website.
The College Of Adult Education in Wolverhampton Website.
The I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again Website.
The Cats Protection League Headquarters Website.
Wildlife Park Kirkcudbright Website.
Kevin Blake's: Puzlebox Hobbies and Puzzlebox Business Websites.
The Official Website Of The British Monarchy.
Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic British
Comedy Website, you can find a web page, which informs you all about me:
Marie Birch!

Recently added, to my Lynne Guy's General Information and Classic
British Comedy Website.

A message of sympathy for the families of the victims and the
Firefighters, who lost their lives, via the attacks, on The World Trade
Centre and The Pentagon, in the United States of America.

That's All For Now, Folks!
Marie Birch
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