I really effin' hate Dora the Explorer. Seriously who lets a six-year-old girl go off on her own with a damn monkey?

[Orson Wells as CitizenCain]

Honestly, it's like, Dora lives near a swamp one day and a castle the next,
her parents must move more than Gary Coleman's bowels. Then, it's like, "Can
YOU help?" Who the hell is she talking to?? There's NO ONE there! And WHY do
her parents let her go off BY HERSELF into swamps, forests, castles,
bridges, chasms, oceans, Ruby Tuesday restaurants, etc. WITH NO GODDAMN
SUPERVISION? It's like, "Well if she dies then at least she's gone, good
riddance." AND SHE HANGS OUT WITH A FREAKIN' MONKEY. A MONKEY. What the
hell? And he supposedly talks. If that monkey can talk so good why can't he
say "I'd like to buy these pants please?" HE'S NAKED. And what the geebus is
with that map and backpack? Her backpack contains a bicycle, all articles of
clothing (except panties, seems she goes commando), umbrellas, cans of
Cheese Whiz, autographed photos of Satan, the planet Jupiter, a year's
supply of Funyons, etc. That is one goddamn good backpack. I want one of
those. I don't care what it costs. And how come she can't remember things
for SHIT? She's always, "Where do we go next?" YOU WERE THE ONE WHO JUST HAD
A TALKING MAP TELL YOU WHERE TO GO NEXT AND THAT WAS FIVE MINUTES AGO. WHY
CAN'T YOU REMEMBER? WERE YOU NOT *LISTENING*? Then you have these freakin'
animals that keep appearing and disappearing like they're stalking her. One
of these days one of those insects is going to pop out of nowhere with a
knife and stab her in the neck. Or maybe that's my fantasy, I'm not sure.
AND THERE'S A BULL. A BULL. BULLS DON'T TALK AND THEY ALSO TRY TO KILL
PEOPLE. Well the angry ones do. And damn it, if I was a BLUE bull and my
name wasn't Ferdinand and I had to hang out with Dora, well, I'd probably be
up on at least three homicide charges before sunset. Don't even get me
started on that stupid skirt-wearing iguana. And as for her brother Diego?
Funny, last I checked, Diego wasn't Spanish for "SHUT THE HELL UP" but after
watching two minutes of him talking to animals like some fucked-up Latino
Doctor Dolittle, I sure wish it did.

CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING IS EVIL.

Next week: Elmo and his secret drug smuggling business.