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MiSTed-Life(VOY)

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Currie1501

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Aug 8, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/8/97

(8th season open)

(SoL. Mike is alone on the bridge.)

MIKE: Hi everybody. As you know, we are a member of the Sci-Fi channel,
and we've been watching it nonstop to familiarize ourselves with the
enviroment. We just recently watched the Saturday Anime movie, which was
Akira. The guys were real interested in it. Seemingly a bit too
interested. They're off somewhere and-

(Crow enters from the left, wearing a red jacket, a black wig with short
hair, and a thinly-disguised leafblower which has been made to look
somewhat like a laser gun. To sum it all up, he looks a lot like the
character Kenaida from the movie Akira.)

CROW(as Kenaida): Where is he?
MIKE: Where is who, Crow?
CROW(Still as Kenaida): Tetsuo! The rotten little creep...
MIKE: What are you talking about? And what's with the accent?
CROW(normal): Mike, will you just play along? (Kenaida) All he really
wanted was my bike!
MIKE: I think you've had more than the recommended daily intake of manga,
Crow.

(All of a sudden, we hear the "daaaaa-daaaaa-da-da" music that always
signified Tetsuo in Akira.)

MIKE: The hell?

(More "daaaaa-daaaaa-da-da" music, this time followed by a chime. Tom
pops up from under the counter, wearing a red cape, a grey sleeveless
shirt, and a wig of short, pointy, black hair. He looks a lot like the
character Tetsuo before Tetsuo mutated into the giant pink icky thing.)

MIKE(startled): Yaa!
TOM(as Tetsuo): All the time we knew each other, you treated me like a
little kid!
MIKE: That's not true!
CROW(still Kenaida): You're just jealous of my bike!
MIKE: Huh?
TOM(as Tetsuo): Kenaida!
MIKE: Tom...
TOM(Tetsuo): *Kenaida!*
MIKE: Just calm down a little and-
TOM(Tetsuo):*KENAAAAAAIIIIIIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!* (Bots rush at each
other and are locked in vicious combat.)
MIKE: Uh, we'll be back in a minute or so, people. (tries to break up the
fight)

(Disney's Air Bud, the movie that dares ask the question: Do people really
*watch* this kind of crud? I prefer to sit down and watch "The Battle of
Britain" instead. All three hours or so of airplanes shooting at each
other. Sure, it's stock footage, but it's good stock footage.)

(SoL. Tom's head is sticking out of a jumbled pile of computer parts and
wire. Pieces of Crow are mixed in there too, and Crow's mouth is jutting
out from a pile of CPU's.)

TOM: Why does this always seem to happen when we emulate Japanese animated
movies?
MIKE: I told you someone would get hurt or be ingested by his own body,
but no, nobody listens to me, and you go out and ignore my advice and
somebody comes home crying.
CROW: Mike, could you stuff the lecture and find my body in there
somewhere?
MIKE: In a minute, the Mysterons are calling.

(Space Van. Everyone is wearing hunting gear and shotguns.)

PEARL: Hey there Nelson! We were planning on going down to a primitive
planet and hunting the natives with our vastly superior technology while
you enjoy your post.

(SoL. Bots are okay.)

MIKE: But that would be immoral! They wouldn't have a chance against you
and your powerful weaponry!
CROW: Plus, we don't enjoy our posts.
TOM: That was sarcasm, Crow.

(Van)

PEARL: Oh, that definitely changes our plans. (to Observer and Bobo)
Guys, we're not going to hunt individually, we'll just drop antimatter
napalm over the village.
BOBO: Do we still drink beer and light our farts?
PEARL: You can light all the farts you want, Bobo. Just get permission
first.
BOBO: Goody! Brain guy, can I light your fart?
OBSERVER(angrily): Are you suggesting that I have a flatulence problem?
BOBO: No, you just fart a lot.
OBSERVER: Well, I never!
BOBO: Can I crack a window?
OBSERVER: I DO NOT HAVE A FLATULENCE PROBLEM!
PEARL: Guys, your post today is a remarkably sappy Voyager P/T post,
entitled Life. Remember, if it gets too sweet just think of all the
helpless villagers we'll be killing with our deadly nuclear explosives.

(SoL)

CROW: P/T?
MIKE: It means Paris and Torres. There will be romance between them.
TOM: Sounds like B/S to me.
(Post sign goes off)
ALL: AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! WE GOT VOYAGER SIGNNNNNN!

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)

TOM: Did you hear me? I said "sounds like B/S to me". Get it?
MIKE: Yeah, Tom, whatever.

>Subject: NEW: Life [VOY] <P/T, PG>

CROW: Voyager characters have lives?

>From: Serena <w...@acpub.duke.edu>
>Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 16:45:41 -0400
>Message-ID: <33C69B...@acpub.duke.edu>
>
>Posted for Claire Daniels...

TOM: Was she too lazy to type it out or something?

>
>This is not necessarily a sequel to Love Doesn't Ask Why,

MIKE: Why Ask Why? Try Love Dry.

>although I
>guess it can be thought of as one.
>
>Notes:
>~~~~~~~~~

CROW: Odd, they look a lot like tildes to me.

>
>The name Benjamin comes from JoAnna's story, Love Is Blind.

TOM: So love's blind and it doesn't ask why?
MIKE: It also makes the world go around.

>It
>was the
>name
>of B'Elanna's
>baby brother who died when he was a baby. K'Ehyla is a name I >made up.
>It's actually Kayla,

MIKE: Why didn't you just call her Kayla then?
TOM: I want a Klingon name!
CROW: Cam'bo't! G'yp's'y! T'om Se'rv'o! Cr'o'o'o'o'o'w!

>but I gave it a Klingon spelling.
>
>Terkillium doesn't really exist. I made it up.

CROW: Not like dilithium crystals, which are obviously real.

>
>Dedication: This fanfic is dedicated to the Paris-ites: Erin, >JoAnna,
>Lauren, Jessica Ferroni,
>Kirsten, Serena, Jessica Forrester,

MIKE: Pearl had someone on the inside!

>
Jessica Raines, Abra,

TOM(singing): Abra-abracadbra, I wanna reach out and grab ya...

>
and >Chris.

CROW: Okay, dedications over. Let's begin the-

>Also
>dedicated to Robbie
>McNeill and Roxann Dawson for bringing the characters of Tom >Paris and
>B'Elanna Torres to
>life, and to the writers for creating such terrific characters.

CROW: Fine. Now we can start the-

>
>Disclaimer: Tom Paris, B'Elanna Torres, and everything else in >the Star
>Trek universe are
>owned by Paramount, but the words, ideas, and Ensign Peter >Hawkes are
>owned
>by me.
>Comments, good and bad, are welcome and appreciated at:
><make...@icanect.net>.

MIKE: I've got a comment for you to appreciate right here!
TOM: You're going to beat her up?
MIKE: No, I've got a comment for her. Weren't you listening?

>
>Life

CROW: Life's a fanfic and then you die.

>~~~~~~
>By: Claire Daniels
>Copyright (c) 1997.
>
> B'Elanna was lying in bed, trying to tell her stomachs to calm
>themselves.

MIKE(as B'Elanna): Why can't you be like the pancreas?

> Being half-Klingon
>and half-Human had its ups and downs, and having two stomachs >was
>definitely
>one of the
>downs.

CROW: You have to chug Pepto-Bismol like cheap gin.

> She hoped that she wasn't catching the flu that was
>going around
>the
>ship.

TOM: That goshdarn Andromeda Syndrome!

> It was
>particularly brutal, and half of her Engineering staff was out >sick.

MIKE: Of course, this was more a result of the intense radiation emanating
from the ship's core.

>She
>got out of bed slowly and
>headed for the lavatory as the wave of nausea overtook her.

CROW: I didn't know they were racing.

>After she
>was
>finished, she
>splashed some cold water on her face and brushed her teeth.

MIKE: No one will be seated during the action packed morning hygeine
scene!

>Exiting the
>lavatory, she looked
>back over at her husband, hoping she hadn't woken him up.

TOM: Luckily, he was still passed out naked in the bathtub.
MIKE(as B'Elanna): Neelix sure throws some wild parties!

> She hadn't. Tom Paris was still lying in bed. His hair was
>tousled,
>and one foot stuck out from
>under the covers. B'Elanna smiled warmly at him in spite of her
>sommersaulting stomachs.

CROW(as B'Elanna): He's so cute when I'm nauseous.

>Silently, she asked herself what she had ever done to deserve >this man.

TOM(as mournful B'Elanna): Why, God, *WHY?*

>They had been married
>for six months, and B'Elanna couldn't think of a time when she'd >ever
>been
>happier. Getting
>used to being on Voyager was a big change,

MIKE: A giant quarter. Cause it's a big change, get it?

>
and she had a >difficult time
>adjusting at first, but
>she made friends with Harry, and then Tom, and life had gotten >better.

CROW: Of course, then they were flung far away without hope of ever
reaching home again and therefore doomed to be trapped in Voyager for the
rest of their natural lives, but the pay was good.

>Her
>stomachs felt fine
>now, and she got ready for her shift in Engineering.
> Tom awoke a few hours later and reported to the Bridge for >his duty
>shift.

MIKE(as Tom): I suppose them toilets ain't gonna clean themselves...

> "Morning, Captain." he said.
> "Good morning, Mister Paris." she replied.
> Tom slid into his seat at the helm.
> "Captain, I'm detecting a planet twenty kilometers from >our
>present
>position." Harry
>reported.

TOM: The almost-plot thickens...

> "Run a sensor scan." Chakotay said.
> "Sensors are showing traces of terkillium." Harry replied.

MIKE: But terkillium isn't real! Warp drives and phasers and holodecks
are undeniable facts, but you said yourself that terkillium is fake!
CROW: I hate it when they try to base a story on scientific evidence but
come up with all these wild theories.

> "Any lifesigns?"
> "Negative, Commander." Harry reported.

TOM(as Chakotay): Hey, I have quite a positive outlook on life!

> "Mister Paris," Janeway said, "prepare to take a shuttle >down to
>the
>planet. Take Neelix
>and someone from Engineering with you."

MIKE: Why Neelix? Are they going to run into a hungry alien and have
Neelix whip him up a souffle?

> "Aye, Captain." he replied, heading for the turbolift.
>
>**************************************************
>**************************
>***********************************

TOM: Huh, a Circus of the Stars.

>
> B'Elanna had been feeling nauseous again, and decided to head down

CROW(as Gesture Professor from the Mole People): Down, down, down...

>to
>Sickbay and have
>the Doctor check her out.

MIKE(as Doctor): Whoa, that wrinkled forehead makes me so hot...

> "So? What's wrong with me?"

TOM: You exist, along with this fanfic.

> "Congratulations, Lieutenant." the Doctor replied.
> "What for?"

CROW: You may have won ten million dollars!

> "You're pregnant."
> "I'm what? I mean, are you sure?"
> "Quite sure." the Doctor replied sounding annoyed,

MIKE(as Doctor): Dare you question me, mere mortal?

>
"Four >weeks."
> B'Elanna sat up on the biobed.
>
> "You are free to go, Lieutenant, but I expect to see you back >in
>a month.
>You'll need to
>have regular check-ups."
> "Thank you, Doctor."

CROW(as B'Elanna): That was the best I've ever had.
MIKE: CROW!

> she said as she
got off the biobed.
> B'Elanna exited Sickbay and walked back to her quarters in a >daze.

TOM: She must've stopped by a bar on the way.

>*A
>baby.* she thought,
>*I'm going to have a baby.*

MIKE: Not in here, we just cleaned the carpet.

> She was so
excited, she couldn't >wait to
>tell Tom.
> "Tom!" she exclaimed when she walked in the door,
>
"I've >got
>something
>to..." her voice
>trailed off as she noticed he was packing an overnight case.

CROW(as Tom): I met another woman on the turbolift. The divorce papers
are in the kitchen. Bye.

> "There you are." he said coming over to kiss her, "I >wondered
>where you were."
> "Where are you going?" she asked.

MIKE(as Tom): I've accepted a role on the new "Mission Genesis" show.

> "The Captain is sending me and Neelix down to the planet >to
>collect some
>terkillium. I'm
>supposed to take someone from Engineering along, too."

TOM(as Tom): I was thinking of that hot chick who supervises the ion
containment zones.

> "Take Carey." she replied, "I've got a lot of work to do."

CROW(as B'Elanna): Exotic dancing is more time-consuming than you think.

> "Okay. What was it you wanted to tell me?"
> "It's nothing." she replied, "It'll wait 'til you get back."
> He eyed her suspiciously,

MIKE(as Tom): What are those bloodstains from?

> but let the
subject drop. B'Elanna >helped
>him
>finish packing.

TOM(as B'Elanna): Don't forget your lace panties, honey.

> She
>had hoped to tell him about the baby, but thought it was better >to wait
>until he got back from the
>mission.

CROW: That way, the mission won't have to be delayed by the heart attack.

> If she told him now, he'd never be able to
concentrate,
>and
>that
>would endanger
>everyone who was with him.

TOM: I have become childbirth, distracter of Tom Paris.

> A few hours later, Tom, Neelix, and Carey were standing in >the
>shuttlebay.

MIKE: Waving to their departing shuttle.

> "I'll be back soon." Tom told B'Elanna as he kissed her good
>bye, "and then
>we'll talk."

CROW(as Tom): I'll have my people call your people.

> "Okay." she smiled. She watched as he and the others >boarded
>the shuttle.
>
>**************************************************>**********************
****
>**********************************

TOM: I'm star-struck.
MIKE: I let you get away with the Circus of the Stars joke, but now you're
pushing it.

>
> Several hours later, B'Elanna was in Engineering working on >the
>plasma
>conduits. The
>Captain had said they were having a problem with them.

CROW: Something about extremely high radiation levels and using expendable
workers.

>
The >Away Team
>was

TOM: Lying dead in a smoking crater.
MIKE: Now what did I say about being dark?
TOM: I just had to! There's no other way to counteract the sappiness!

>due back any
>time now.
> "Captain!" Harry called out from his post at Ops,

CROW(as Harry): I got a lousy role in this fanfic!
MIKE(as Janeway): So did I. I want my agent.

>
"I'm >detecting
>a ripple
>coming toward
>Voyager."
> "What kind of ripple?" she asked.

TOM(as Harry): Wavy Lays, but it could be a Ruffle!

> "I'm not sure." he replied as the ripple hit, shaking the ship.

CROW(as Harry): A pretty big one, I'd say.

> "Janeway to shuttle Cochrane."

MIKE: Cochrane? As in Johnnie Cochrane?
TOM(as Johnnie Cochran): If the terkillium don't exist, you *must* desist!

> "Cochrane here, Captain." Paris replied, "We're okay,

CROW(as Tom): We lost the cabin pressure and Neelix's head exploded, but
we're mopping up the brains pretty well.

>
but >it's a
>little
>bumpy out here."
> "Janeway to Engineering. B'Elanna, what's going on?"

MIKE(as B'Elanna): Some kid in sector 24-J flushed a cherrybomb down the
toilet.

> "I'm not sure, Captain. We're working on it."
> "Understood. Keep me posted." she said, cutting the link.
> Down in Engineering, B'Elanna pounded the console with her >fists in
>frustration.

TOM(as B'Elanna): They aren't buttons, they're just little lights under a
plastic sheet! I can't control anything with this!

> She didn't
>know what the hell was going on, but Voyager couldn't take >much more of
>it.

CROW(as B'Elanna): I dinna think she ken take much more o' this, Cap'n!
MIKE: That was too easy, Crow.
TOM: Yeah, I wanted to say that!

>The ship rocked
>again, and B'Elanna was thrown hard into the console.

MIKE: You know, I'd like to comment on why they never installed seatbelts,
handholds, or even padded walls on any Star Trek spacecraft even though
any turbulence at all would immediately hurl everyone on board out of
their seats into a wall or console, but that would just take up too much
space.

>
A stab of >pain
>ran
>through her abdomen,

CROW(as B'Elanna): So *that's* where I left my knife!

>and she collapsed to the deck clutching her belly. Ensign Peter >Hawkes
>ran
>over to the fallen
>Chief Engineer.

TOM: I thought Stephen Hawking was paralyzed.
MIKE: *Hawkes*, not Hawking.

> "Engineering to Sickbay." he said, "B'Elanna's down.

CROW(as Hawkes): I think it might be the stress of the modern workplace
that's depressing her.

>
Beam >her
>to Sickbay.
>She needs
>help."

TOM: The deep emotional scars left by Voyager fanfics need immediate help
and years of therapy.

> B'Elanna was still clutching her abdomen, face contorted in >pain.
>*Not
>my baby.* she thought,
>*Please don't take my baby.*

MIKE: This is spooky.
TOM: What do you mean?
MIKE: I don't have the slightest amount of pity for B'Elanna, even though
she's about to miscarriage.
TOM: Maybe you can't relate to her feminine and maternal instincts.
MIKE: No, I just think she's badly written.

>
>**************************************************>**********************
****
>************************************

MIKE: Tom, just don't.

>
> Captain Janeway went down to the shuttlebay to meet the >Cochrane.

TOM(as Johnnie Cochran): If it's Janeway, you *must* obey!

>Her
>comm badge
>chirped as Tom Paris exited the shuttle.

CROW: It's her Jerk Detector.

> "Janeway." she said tapping it.

MIKE(as Janeway): Tapping it.

> "Captain," the Doctor said, "is Mister Paris with you?"
> "Yes, Doctor. Why?"
> "He needs to come to Sickbay right away. I'm afraid >B'Elanna
>has had an
>accident."

TOM: I thought you had to be toilet trained before joining Starfleet.

> Tom took off

CROW(as Janeway): Take it all off.
MIKE: Crow, this is a PG post.
CROW: What's the harm in a little Trek smut?

> running before the Captain even had a
chance to >reply.
>
>**************************************************>**********************
****
>************************************

MIKE: Tom, do you have something to say?
TOM: Nope.

>
> B'Elanna awoke. She thought for a moment, trying to recall >what had
>happened.

CROW(as B'Elanna): I shouldn't have had those last few Romulan margaritas.

> Tom, the
>away mission, the baby. The baby. She had lost the baby.

MIKE: I've lost my interest.
TOM: I can't think of anything that isn't in poor taste.

>Slowly, she
>opened her eyes. Tom
>was sitting by her bedside.
> "Hey," he said taking her hand, "how are you doing?"
g?"

CROW: Wow, he can't read emotions very well, can he?

> "I'm sorry." she choked out.
> "It wasn't your fault."
> "I lost our baby. I lost our baby." she said over and over as
>she broke
>into sobs.

MIKE(as B'Elanna): Over and over as she broke into sobs.
TOM: How come you can do that and I can't do the stars thing?

> Tom
>wrapped his arms around her and held her as she cried.

CROW: Nope, no emotions. The characters are cold and remote to me.

>
He >stroked her
>hair,

MIKE: His soft hands caressing the lice and ticks.

>promising that they
>would get through it, not letting his tears fall for her sake.
>
>**************************************************>**********************
****
>************************************

TOM: The asterisks sure are pretty tonight.
MIKE: Tom! I said no more star jokes!
TOM: But you do those "she said, etc." jokes!
MIKE: Okay, truce.

>
> He was right. It had been tough, but they had managed to get
>through
>it. They were even
>stronger now than they had been before.

BOTS:<hum the Bionic Man theme>
MIKE: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him...

>
B'Elanna looked down >at their
>son.

CROW(as B'Elanna): I told you to be careful around wells.

>Benjamin was
>sleeping quietly in her lap. His tiny fist wrapped around her >finger.

TOM:<makes bone-cracking noises>

>His
>sister, K'Ehyla,

MIKE(singing): L'Ehyla, got me on my knees, L'Ehyla...

> was
>sleeping in the nursery. The twins had been a surprise for her >and Tom.

CROW: They had jumped out from behind a potted plant and tried to shoot
them with tiny blowdarts.

>B'Elanna had been so
>thankful when they arrived safely, but she never forgot the >child she
>lost.

TOM: Look in the cushions of the couch, that's where I find all my lost
things.
MIKE: Tom! That was in poor taste!
TOM: I had to do it! Laughter is the best medicine!
MIKE: Well, I don't think it works well on miscarriages.

>The Doctor had said it
>was a girl. He had known from the DNA scan he did.

CROW: So, the twins were a surprise to them, even though the medical
technology of this era can easily tell boys from girls before they come
out of the womb.

>
Sometimes >she would
>just sit and wonder

TOM(singing): I WA-WA-WA-WA won-der...

>what she would have looked like, or if she would have been a >happy
>child.

MIKE: People who spend their lives in fanfics have no reason to be happy.

>She looked over at
>Tom as he took her free hand in his.

CROW: With this ring, I thee wed...

>
She gave it a squeeze and >smiled.

TOM:<more bone-crushing noises>

> "Are you okay?" he asked.
> "I'm fine." she replied squeezing his hand again,
,

MIKE: His hand must be a bloody pulp by now.

>
"I was just
>thinking."

CROW(as Tom): Good. We should all try new things. I was going to try and
act.

> "About what?"

TOM(as B'Elanna): Grinding your hand into a bag of crushed marrow.

> "Life."

MIKE(as B'Elanna): It's a b---h until you die.
CROW: What was the b---h about?
MIKE: The author fixing it so that when his little sisters see it, they
won't tattle to his mother about cursing.
CROW: That's a d--n shame.

>
>The End
>
>{{{;-)

TOM: Huh? Is that a fez or something?
MIKE: Stop yammering and let's go.

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge. Everyone (includng Gypsy) is wearing
black funeral attire.)

CROW: Today we mourn the death of a person's loved one that might have
saddened us deeply if we ever got a good enough character description to
feel anything but emotionless detachment from these characters.
MIKE: Yes. Whenever a character we didn't really know or care about loses
a loved one, we are almost heartbroken at the loss and grief we can't feel
emanating from the mourning person.
TOM: We don't go into depressions for weeks on end. However, I'm sure
that the character in question would want us to be brave, although since
we can't relate to these characters, we're not entirely sure.
GYPSY: I would have sent my heartfelt apologies to the family of the
character I couldn't feel pity for, if I knew the slightest thing about
them.
MIKE: Would anyone like to say a few words?
TOM: I would like to sing something that I would judge to be appropiate,
although I don't have much of a basis to judge on.
MIKE: Go ahead.
TOM(singing): Why don't we get drunk and screw?/ I just bought a waterbed/
It's filled up for me 'n' you (speaking) Do you think this is an
appropiate dirge?
MIKE: Carry on. The music of Jimmy Buffet has healing properties for the
soul. (Van light flashes) Oh, the Coral Reefers are calling.

(Space Van. The parts that we can see are burnt and blackened, and still
burning in some places. Pearl is very angry.)

PEARL: Well, Nelstone, it seems that the natives were lucky this time. I
should never let Bobo try that stupid trick of his in a methane
atmosphere.
BOBO: But it was still pretty cool, right?
OBSERVER: I have never been so embarassed in my life. It's a good thing I
don't have a body, or I'd be blushing like crazy.
PEARL: Well, at least I see that you suffered some mental damage from the
post.

(SoL. Tom is now singing "Margaritaville".)

MIKE: Ha! I've felt more sappiness in my time. I can get nauseous with
the best of them.
TOM(singing): Searchin' for my long-lost shaker of salt...
MIKE: He's just a Jimmy Buffet fan.

(Space Van)

PEARL: Well, let's test that claim, shall we? Currently, I have two other
stories by the same author-

(SoL)

MIKE: *NO!* I mean, uh, I can take it.

(Space Van)

PEARL: And after that, a pyramid scheme in spam format...

(SoL. Mike is visibly shaken.)

MIKE(weakly): Sure. I can take that.

(Space Van)

PEARL: And for good measure, I'll throw in a psychic spam and a ad for
politically incorrect mouse pads.

(SoL. Mike is deathly pale.)

MIKE: So... cold... air thin... darkness coming...
TOM(singing): I don't know where I'm a-gonna go when the volcano come!
CROW: Mike, are you paralyzed in fear again?
MIKE: Evil... enveloping me...
TOM(singing): Cheeseburger in paradise!
CROW: Yeah, you're paralyzed all right. Either that, or you're doing your
Shatner impression.
MIKE: Soul... crushed... screaming... but nobody hears...
TOM(singing): Yes I am a pirate/ Two hundred years too late...
CROW: Well, I suppose I'll just go through your pockets, then.
MIKE(snapping out of it): Hey!
CROW: Dang! All I need is five more bucks to pay for that shareware demo!
MIKE: Geez, have you ever made money honestly?
CROW: It depends. How honest is gambling?

(We leave as Mike and Crow discuss their value systems.)

>Silently, she asked herself what she had ever done to deserve >thi

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