MiSTing: "Hail to the Queen" [PG, STNG, Marrissa] (4/9]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

> Chapter 4
>
> EARTH

Tom: Final Conflict!

> EARTH

Crow: Versus Soup!

> EARTH,

Mike: "Earth 3", the new series directed by Steven Spielberg
coming to NBC this fall.

> was the call that continually ran
>through Marrissa's mind.

Crow: [Jan Brady] You're always talking about Earth! Earth
Earth Earth!

> The Collective wanted to stop this petty attack on
>small colonies and planets that could easily be assimilated
>after Earth. The Queen mentally screamed at them to shut up
>while she decided what to do next.
>

Crow: Naturally, no one heard a mental scream, so she resorted
to the low tech method of screaming aloud.

> Jay awoke from a restless sleep when the baby's cry broke
>out. Cradling the little infant and feeding it from a bottle
>seemed foreign to him.

Mike: Wait, Jay usually breast-feeds his daughter?
Crow: Hey, this is the 24th Century. Can't the doctor make him
lactate?

> He never really took the time to spend
>any time with the child lately.

Tom: Court orders and such, you know.

> With his duties and a Borg invasion that hung over
>him like a giant fly swatter,

Mike: Wow! What a simile. I'm in awe.

> he didn't get time for the little
>things.

Mike: [crewman] Sir, the Borg have invaded, the Federation lies
in ruins, and certain destruction is imminent!
Tom: [Jay] Ensign, please, this is my little "me" time - just a
bubble bath and a pint of French Vanilla Haagen Dazs.

> He scooped up the child and decided to watch a home-holo.

All: OH NO! HOME MOVIES!
Mike: I think we've seen enough of this 'other' side of
Marrissa for a life time!

> There was Marrissa pre

Crow: Geez, even in the 24th century, they're *still* making
Prefontaine movies!

> and post pregnancy,

Tom: However, she'd hurled all the during-pregnancy holos out
the airlock, screaming "I'm a blimp! I'm a blimp!"

> with Himself,

Mike: Who, God?
Tom: Yes, Marrissa is Bethany in Kevin Smith's Dogma.

> Fleet
>Admiral Picard, Jackie, and everyone else having a good time
>at the family vine-yard in France.

Crow: [as Jay] Oh, look how little Sarah liked to be pressed
with the grapes! Oh, and there's Alexander after downing
6 bottles of wine - only took 20 guards to stop his reign
of terror! Oh, and there's me digging up the charred
remains of Picard's in-laws... "

> Jackie. Suddenly a light
>switched on inside his head,

Mike: Close your mouth, Jay.

> and he replaced the infant in it's
>crib.

Mike: Replaced it with a toaster, in fact. Jay doesn't cope
well with loss.
Tom: Her! Her! The offspring of your union, the fruit of your
loins has gender, you repressed, p-whipped mealymouthed
moron!

> He then got on his uniform and ran for Jackie's
>Quarters.

Mike: Oh - my.
Crow: Ahem!
Tom: At least he's not wallowing in his grief.

> Unlike most of the other members of the ship, Jackie
>was enjoying a happy, peaceful sleep.

Crow: Ahhhh, the wonders of Prozac.

> So it was rather
>obvious that she would be cheesed off when the doorbell rang.
> "Who the hell is it? It's three in the morning."

Tom: Jackie's pretty scrappy for an eight-year-old.
Mike: Eight?
Tom: Well, she can't be more than twelve or so. Either way,
Jean-Luc and Beverly aren't raising her very well.

> Jackie
>moaned, rubbing sleep from her eyes. Jay opened the door.
> "Jackie, listen. Is there any way for you to hack into the
>Borg Collective?"

Crow: Sure. It's in UNIX, right?

> "Maybe," she said, stifling a yawn, "I would need an access
>point though."

Crow: And a Powerbookc.
Mike: Well, that goes without saying.

> "You mean, like a Borg Drone?"

Tom: Unfortunately, Borg drones are nine-pin and she only has
thirteen-pin cables.

> "Sure, why not. What's up?"

Mike: [Jay] Oh, nothing much, just the tiny little matter of a
MASSIVE BORG INVASION, YOU GIT!!!

> "As near as I can figure, the Borg are allowing Marrissa to
>feel emotions.

Crow: Which is strange since all she was ever good at was
smugness and anger!

> That way she can use them to help her plans
>like anger, desire, lust

All: WHOA!

> for power,

All: Whew...

> and so on.

Tom: In other words, how Marrissa feels on an ordinary day.

> But if we can
>input things that produce positive emotions, she might stop.

Mike: [Borg drone] Miz Picard? I brung you some purty posies.

> Or at least get confused."

Crow: Yeah, positive emotions certainly messed her up in real
life!

> "Yeah, that might work," Jackie figured, "And if it doesn't,
>we could still hookup blueprints and weak points of the cube
>ships."
> "Great, we can get to it, as soon as we find a Borg."

Crow: Try Borgmart.
Tom: Or World of Borg.
Mike: Don't forget Borg Club.

> "Ok, now if ya don't mind, I'd like to get back to sleep."
> "All right, see you in the morning." With that, Jay left the
>quarters, and Jackie fell back into a deep slumber.
>

Mike: Yeah, we'll save the universe after our beauty sleep.

> Eyes showing dark bags from lack of sleep over the past
>couple of days,

Crow: Sleep is irrelevant.
Tom: Can't she just prop herself up in one of those little
closets for a couple of hours?

>Marrissa still pondered her next move. Should she finish off
>the Romulans? The Klingons? Perhaps the Cardassians with the
>Dominion?

Tom: The Narn?
Mike: The Martians?
Crow: The Chicago Bulls?
Tom: Vorlons?
Mike: Rutans?
Crow: Cylons?
Tom: Hey, Cylons versus the Borg! That'd be...redundant.

>NO, she screamed at herself, why was she putting this off?
>Why didn't she want to end the Federation? She was weak then,
>but now with all this power, she didn't want to remove the
>people who limited her? Why?

Crow: It's the evil power of Viacom.
Tom: "We won't let you kill a main character. Unless their
contract is up, of course."

>In order to let the Collective believe she was listening, she
>let two of her ships head towards Wolf 359. The fleet could
>die first, then the Federation.
>
> The morning awakened the crews of the fleet,

Crow: Morning, in space?
Mike: Haven't we been over this before, Crow?

> who proceeded to
>their stations, expecting another dull day of waiting.

Tom: [as generic crew] Ho-huh, another day of waiting.

> The days had been spent modifying a Borg idea. The EMP
>weapons used in the previous attacks could be toned down to a
>hand-held rifle.

Mike: Yeah, that's bright. Fire anti-electronic weapons on the
bridge of a starship.

> It was the development team's hope that they
>would get to run the final tests today. Instead, the two Borg
>ships appearing in front of the fleet shattered that hope.

Mike: Actually, it looks like they'll be getting their chance,
so...

> The Enterprise began firing Quantum Torpedoes
>at the ship, in any area that became exposed.

Mike: Apparently, the Federation is unalterably opposed to
Buffalo shots.
Crow: Well, that's one good thing about them.

> The fleet
>reacted as well, by launching an astonishing amount of
>firepower at a cube.

Tom: The Federation meets the threat of beef bullion head on!

> All to no avail. The Cube taking the
>damage was nearly destroyed,

Mike: Fortunately, it rolled 3d8 against firepower and got
a good save.

> but began regenerating, after
>it's counterpart used an EMP burst to short out the
>electronics on all the ships.

Crow: Wanna bet that the lack of life support doesn't
*actually* kill everyone on the Enterprise?
Tom: So no one in the 24th century has ever heard of shielded
wiring?
Mike: Remember, they don't know about fuses either.

> The Enterprise was barely
>functional when a Runabout holding Alexander, Shayna, and a
>Security Detachment headed towards the intact cube.

Mike: I'd say they're escaping the action, but I don't think
there was any.
Tom: [as Shayna] Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

>
> The damaged cube ship was vulnerable, the other ship could be
>dealt with as a combined effort, Admiral Saavik Jeric decided.

Tom: Jeric?
Crow: So is this Kirstie Alley or Robin Curtis?
Mike: Let's hope it's Alley. Rrrrowl!

>This division had arrived just after the Borg attacked. They
>transported everyone in the command bunker up to the lead
>ship. At Preador Stovin's

Mike: Once again, it's "How Many Ways Can You Spell The Title
of the Romulan Leader!'
Tom: Ratliff's influence strikes again.

> request, and in her own quest to
>reclaim the glory she lost, she hunted them through Federation
>Territory.

Crow: Wait, in Ratliff's universe isn't Saavik head of
Federation Intelligence?
Mike: Yeah, she's the J. Edgar Hoover of the Federation.
Crow: Oh, she wears women's clothes? [Guffaws, then breaks
off] Wait a second...

> "All ships prepare to decloak and attack
>the damaged cube on my mark!" Saavik ordered. Out of the
>corner of her eye, she noted Preator Stovin sat in an
>unoccupied seat on the bridge.

Crow: Reading a magazine.

>A smile spread across Saavik's face as she formed the word in
>her mouth. "ATTACK!!"
>

Mike: Actually, she never actually *said* the word, she just
kept mouthing it over and over.
Crow: Sad, really.
Tom: Well, that truly was a pointless scene.

> The Away Team beamed on to the undamaged Borg cube with no
>difficulties.

Tom: The author couldn't imagine any in other words.

> Alex held his EMP Rifle uneasily, knowing that if
>the team failed, there'd nothing to go home to. Also, if
>these new gadgets didn't work the way they were supposed to,
>they were going to be joining the Collective as Marrissa's new
>shoe-shine drones.

Tom: It's Underborg! Disguised as humble shoe-shine drone. . .
Mike: They'll shine shoes, and they'll LIKE IT VERY MUCH!

> He missed Clara and Alexis, and he feared
>for their safety.

Crow: [Alex] Sure hope they fix the life support before they
left. . .

> He only went on this mission because he was
>the only available executive officer.

Mike: Funny, this is beginning to sound like the setup for
Enterprized!

> The mission was to
>retrieve a Borg Drone, and at the same time disable or
>distract the cube.

Crow: Unfortunately, for Alexander, he was the one chosen to
dance in a hula skirt in front of the cube while singing
"Happy Talk."

> The poor lighting and steam were torture on
>the senses.

Tom: Oh no, they've wanted onto the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles Set!
Crow: And goggles, rebreathers, and so on were completely
forgotten.

> Perspiration beaded across his forehead,

Mike: Ooh. Sweating Klingons. Not Good.

> the
>average temperature on a Borg ship was obviously too damn hot.

Crow: [as Alexander] Setting the temperature to 74 ? How dare
they!

>The smell was also repugnant, since the organic parts of the
>Borg were obviously sweating as well.

Tom: Ugh! Just so long as there's no baby oil involved.
Mike: My, what a pleasant image.
Tom: Be happy, the author got some emotional reaction beyond
boredom.

>Rounding a corner, and advancing to an intersection, the group
>found their targets. A Borg Drone just finished recharging,
>and several data conduits ran through the ceiling.

Mike: Hoping to escape the fanfic.

> Keying the
>return signals on the Transporter, the group took up their
>rifles. Pulling the trigger at one target after another,
>there was no beam to indicate the weapon's firing.

Mike: Saving up on the special effects budget, most likely....

> The only indication that they were hit, was that
>each of the Borg hit slumped over, the implants often pouring
>smoke.

Crow: Destroying valuable data and making them COMPLETELY
USELESS!

> The data conduits were also going off line, and Borg
>scrambled to stop the failure.

Tom: Great. If the freakin' *Borg* can't get reliable tech
support, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?

> The security team grabbed two
>Borg, beamed back to the Runabout two at a time, leaving Alex
>and Shayna alone, while the transporter recharged.

Crow: Make out time!

> The two
>stood back-to-back firing the new weapons repeatedly, Borg
>slumping over each other with each blast.

Crow: The dreaded "Drinky-Bird" effect!

> When the
>transporter became fully charged, Alex placed the rifle in
>overload, then beamed back to the Runabout, which flew back to
>the Enterprise.
>

Tom: Which promptly exploded when the rifle exploded. The end.

> The Romulan force of twenty ships was a welcome sight to
>behold, even more so as they blew up the damaged cube. The
>other ship was inactive since the Runabout ran away from it,
>about two hours ago.

All: [British voices] Run away! Run away!

> These new EMP rifles are just the thing
>for the Borg, Jay thought.

Mike: After all, the Borg were so hard to shop for. . .

> The Enterprise was backup at top
>condition, along with most of the fleet members.

Crow: Wow! Two hours for full repairs of a ship?! Bet that
you'll never see a car repair place get it done that
fast!

>Casualties were light as only one or two ships met with the
>Borg cutting lasers. The Romulans were an unexpected
>addition, but were welcomed into the fleet.
>

Tom: Gatecrashers!
Mike: Again, we have the olestra of action.

> In her throne room on the Borg cube, Marrissa was wailing
>like a banshee possessed by a demon who was about to be
>exorcised.

Mike: Exorcising the evil out of an evil being? Wouldn't that
make Marrissa good or something ?
Crow: But enough about Alanis Morissette...

> The destruction of those ships was as if she had an arm
>and a leg removed without pain killers.

Crow: Fortunately, for Marrissa, she had several clones of
herself premade to use to replace her appendages.
Mike: parts 2: the clonus horror in space.
Tom: What is this "in-ter-price"?

> She couldn't believe
>the Romulans helped the Federation. She would kill them all!

Mike: Ah, Marrissa's true personality shines through.

> Every last Romulan wouldn't even Have the honour of being
>assimilated!

Tom: And Marrissa's acting like she did in "Away From Home". .
Crow: Yep, the Borg REALLY whiffed it with Captain PMS here.

> The Collective tried to have Marrissa see they
>couldn't destroy them yet, by pointing out that the Romulans
>had not been assimilated into the Collective yet.

Mike: Even though, technically, they had, back in chapter one.

> The Collective cringed in pain and Drones felt
>horror spread through them for the first time since their
>assimilation.

Crow: What do you *mean* they put "3rd Rock" opposite "Drew
Carey"?!?

> The web of connections that was established
>under the previous Queen was torn apart and restructured.

Mike: Uh-oh, you know how long it's going to take to get to
Novell's tech support?

>Marrissa was now fully in command of the Borg, they would
>have difficulty to even refuse termination orders.

Mike: Marrissa - now the Overlord of the Galaxy.
Tom: Not quite yet, Mike ... she still has yet to take over the
Dominion or the Gamma Quadrant.
Mike: Please, Tom, don't give them ideas!

> The Borg
>fleet moved towards Wolf 359, to obliterate the last remnants
>of resistance.
>

Tom: Which, we should note, is still futile.

> On the 16th deck of the Enterprise, in room 1604,

Mike: Cubicle 17A.

>there was truly a sight to behold.

Tom: The Borgs, they had a new queen, who wouldn't do as she
was told.
They offered her Cardassians and Romulans for slaying.
"The Federation it must be" was all that she was saying.
Those Borg, they tried to bribe her through offers of
spelunking.
She just shouted "No!" and started screaming and
krunking.

> The Science Lab had been
>completely refurbished to meet the needs of the newly acquired
>"guests". The middle of the room now had two stations that
>held the two Borg in the middle.

Crow: Stations? What kind? Workstations? Gas Stations?

> The room was lined with
>computer equipment with a few personnel working at them.

Mike: And a pointy-haired Lt. Commander trying to read his
e-mail on the food replicators.

>Every so often, one of them would cast nervous glances at the
>two drones held in the force fields. There was no way they
>could get out of the fields, but that fact did little to calm
>the nerves of the group.

Tom: If you can't trust your own science, who *can* you trust ?

>Jackie was among them, rigging special data flows to use on
>the Borg.

Mike: AOL connections?
Tom: [computer voice] Welcome! Resistance is futile! You've
got mail!

>Normal hookups couldn't be used in the process, for fear the
>Borg would gain access to the ships computer. The new hookups
>would link the drone to a neural net, that would then lead
>back to the ship computer. were completed,

Mike: Ok, and that's different HOW?

> now they just had to
>wait for Jay and the files.

Mike: You mean, this is a Men In Black/X-Files crossover as
well?! AIE!

> Jay entered, holding isolinear
>chips holding the information they required.

Tom: What? No dip!?
Crow: No, Jay's the dip!

>Jackie lowered the force fields and hooked up the first drone.
>Sitting down, she began her programming.

Crow: Yeah, like trying to reprogram the Borg with COBOL is
going to help.
Mike: Probably still haven't fixed the year 2000 problem.

> "All right, judging from the logs Data used, the
>neural links will be connected in three stages. Data's neural
>net was much better at processing information then this
>replacement, but it shouldn't make that much of a difference."

Tom: [Jackie] I just said that since the author thinks Data is
so cool.

> She began the process, slowly moving into the layers of
>the Borg Collective.

Crow: Like big cybernetic matroushkas.

> The relays between the Borg and the
>computer were not operating as well as it would if a link up
>between an android and the Collective was used. It began to
>show as the hookups, and the implants they were attached to,
>began to glow white hot.

Mike: Okay, okay I may not know much, but isn't it bad for the
Borg if their various cybernetic doohickies DON'T HAVE
FUSES!
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Yes?
Tom: Chill.
Mike: Ok.

> The emergency lights switched on as
>soon as Jackie reached the second link, and the Drone began to
>shake worse than someone with fifty shots of espresso under
>their belt.

Mike: "First Contact", starring Too-Much-Coffee Man!

> The force fields snapped into place at the last
>moment, just as the Drone overloaded and blew up. The neural
>net sat in its compartment and began to smoke and spark.

Crow: Ohh! They used a neural HAIR net, those dopes.

> Looking upon the smoking pile of ashes that was their
>former test subject, Jackie remarked.

Tom: [as Jackie] Well, that went well. Who brought
marshmallows?

> "I think were going to
>need some help on this one."

Tom: And a bigger boat.

> After attaining permission from Fleet Admiral Picard,
>the Enterprise broke fleet formation and warped for Omicron
>Theta.
>

Crow: [as Jay] We'll be back in a year! Seeya suckers!

> Within the hour, the Enterprise dropped out of warp beside
>the massive automated factory that managed to produce three
>Defiant class warships every month. Data extended his
>greetings to the young Rear Admiral,

Mike: In the middle of space, apparently...

> and asked what he needed.

Crow: Jay's going to ask Data for love advice?!

> "Data, you've probably heard that the Federation is under
>siege by the Borg.

Crow: [Data] No, sorry, I missed that - I've been just so
caught up in this whole "kidnap/evil twin" storyline on
"Guiding Light".

> We've managed to capture two Drones, and were trying to
>hack into the Collective. The first try overloaded the link
>ups.

Mike: But we managed to tag the Pentagon, 4 NASA sites, and
the Mossad!

> We thought that you might be able to connect with the
>last one and do this yourself."

Tom: [Data] What is the term? Ah, yes - "AS IF!!!!"

> "It sounds like an intriguing quest. I will beam aboard
>immediately. Data out."
>

Crow: How's a 2x4 going to help them hack into the Collective
anyway?

> Back at Wolf 359, the battle of a life time began,

Tom: Actually, it was the battle of Time/Life.
Crow: Magazine was pitted against magazine in a horrible
conflict!

> as Marrissa
>and her ships decloaked and attacked the combined fleet.

Crow: Mike, is this when Sinclair fights the Minbari?
Mike: No, it's where we fight the urge to leave.
Tom: I'd rather have my ass kicked by the Minbari.

> Three warbirds, two Klingon battle cruisers, a Stargazer
>carrier, two Sovereign Battleships, and seven Defiant class
>Destroyers were wiped out in the first volley.

Tom: Okay, that's seven stargazers, three Klingon Battleships,
a Defiant Sovereign, and, uh...
Crow: No, it was a cruiser, two Defiant Carriers, three
Destroyer class Klingon Stargazer Battleship Volleys,
and, and, ummmmm...

>On the Bridge of the Kirk, Fleet Admiral Picard ordered the
>fleet to fall back while striking at any areas they could.

Tom: Picard on the Kirk! We're into some slash now . . .

> This tactic failed, as any ship about to go into warp
>received an EMP Beam from one of the Borg cubes.
> "All ships, initiate plan Delta Armego One."

Tom: Apparently, Picard's made so many plans that he's now
forced to make Greek letters up.

> Picard yelled
>over the tactical net.
> The operative ships responded by using streams of anti-
>matter, like the saucer section did when the Enterprise-D
>attacked the very first Borg cube.

Tom: Haven't seen that episode or don't remember it? Tough!

> The streams temporarily diverted the Borg attention.

Mike: Oh, no! The dreaded tickle beam!
Crow: "Tickle Me Borg", new from Playschool.
Tom: [as Borg] Ha. ha. ha. You will be assimilated.

>These were followed up with Quantum Torpedoes that did severe
>damage to the Borg magnetic shields.

Tom: Which had protected the Borg from all those iron
cannonballs they worried about.

> The counter attack was of
>the norm for the Borg,

Crow: [Borg] I am Norm of Borg. It is a targ eat targ universe
out there, and I am wearing Gagh underwear.

> grabbing ships with the tractor beams,
>and dissecting them with the cutting lasers. Instead of
>merely removing small plugs of the ships at once,

Mike: The ships decided on a tasteful toupee from the Shatner
line instead.

> however,
>the lasers ran through the length of the ship. Gutting
>the starships like trout.

Tom: They're just floundering around out there.
Mike: Yeah, the Borg really kicked their bass.
Crow: And they did it on porpoise!

> The cubes also fired an occasional
>round of shield draining torpedoes. The Kirk dived and weaved
>through the amazing amount of debris from all the craft.

Tom: Well, Shatner always did know how to dodge around his
acting skills.
Mike: [giggles]

>Only ten ships were left, with one of the cubes almost
>destroyed.

Mike: More hot statistical action!

> The Defiant class ship USS Henson

Crow: Mmm-bop.
Mike: Henson, not Hanson.
Tom: o/~ It's not easy being green. . . o/~
Mike: Sigh.

> went through stomach
>turning evasive manoeuvres

Tom: Remembre the priore occuerance that there was an
evasive manoeuvre?
Mike: Don't make fun of Canadian spelling.

> as the cutting lasers and tractor
>beams lanced from the three cubes. One was obviously heavily
>damaged, with large amounts of radiation leaking into space.
>The energy core could be hit with just the right amount of
>firepower, mused the Captain.

Mike: Whose name has been withheld pending an investigation.

> "Helm, position ourselves on a course towards the damaged
>cube. When we're on course, make the Henson look like a
>wayward piece of debris." ordered the Captain.

Tom: [as Captain] Just show them Fozzie the Bear's act, that'll
be dead enough...

> "Aye, sir." replied the multi-armed robotic helmsmen, its
>voice cold, and emotionless.

Crow [Robot]: Stupid Asimov and his stupid laws . . .

> The Henson moved out of the debris of its comrades, floating
>at full impulse towards the cube.

Mike: I'm feeling a full impulse too, if you know what I mean.

> The Borg fired on the few
>remaining fleet ships, using a cutting laser to separate the
>saucer section of the hull from the rest of the ship, then
>using the same beam to slice off a Romulan Warp Nacelle.

Tom: Would that be the white meat or dark meat of a Warbird?
Mike: More nacelles! Drumsticks for everyone!

> When in position, the Henson rose from the grave,

Crow: It's the USS Undertaker, then.

>firing wave after wave into the damaged area. The Quantum
>Torpedoes stripped away layer after layer of hull, until the
>energy core could be seen.

Mike: The torpedoes were all used up, but what a view!

> "Tactical, fire the remaining Torpedoes at will!"

Crow: But they already killed Riker!

> the Captain
>bellowed, a triumphant smile on his face. The smile turned
>itself upside down,

Mike: What's the matter, sad clown?

> however, when the droid

Tom: I hope it isn't that toady, R2.
Crow: That little brown noser.

> announced all the
>torpedoes were used to remove the hull.

Crow: I don't believe it. Big Face here called it!
Mike: Thank you, thank you.

> The Phasers were also
>offline, due to debris from the ships damaging the arrays.

Mike: So why don't they just create Booch-style objects?
Tom: Thanks for that obscure C++ quote, Mike.
Mike: Hey, the temp agency had me programming for a week. I
just took a bunch of commands that I heard the other
programmers use and strung them together.
Crow: And. . .?
Mike: I ended up writing "Outpost."

> "Computer, rig all auto-destruct packages for contact fuse.

Crow: If you can't win, blow em up!
Tom: [as Kermit] And now, the Great Gonzo will try to dismantle
a bomb while reenacting the monologue from Hamlet!
Yeaaaaaaah!

>Helm, take us directly into that power core."

Crow: Wedge! Follow me! Tycho, split up and head back to the
surface. And see if you can get a few of those TIE
fighters to follow you!

> The Henson moved into the Borg power core, collided, and
>destroyed the vessel.

Mike: I don't think your insurance will cover "willful
collision and self-destruction damage" for that...

> The action was in vain though, as the two
>remaining Borg ships continued to pound away at the few
>remains of the fleet.

Mike: And any possible sense of drama.

> On board the James T. Kirk,

Tom: Yes, you can certainly fit a lot of people on Shatner,
considering how he's grown.

> the bridge was dark, with only
>red lights keeping it illuminated.

Tom: Jean-Luc, it is NOT time to develop your film!

> Picard managed to command
>the fleet though the whole disaster.

Crow: Yep, when you want a successful fleet action, send in
baldy.
Mike: I wonder what Sheridan would have done here.
Tom: Run.

> Now it was only the Kirk
>and its sister ship the Elizabeth, the Stargazer,

Mike: the USS Saratoga,

>the Nova class Yorktown,

Crow: the White Star,

>a Klingon Battle Cruiser,

Tom: the Battlestar Pegasus,

>a heavily damaged Romulan Warbird,

Mike: the Terragen vessel Streaker,

>the Nebula class Phoenix,

Crow: a Mon Calamari Cruiser,

>two Ambassadors,

Tom: a Dahak class planetoid,

>and a Defiant.

All: [singing] FI-I-I-IVE NOVA CLASS...
Tom: Four Klingon K'Tingas...
Mike: Three Defiants...
Crow: Two Ambassadors...
All: *And a Warbird, damaged heavily!*

> "Admiral, the Elizabeth is saying that her shields have
>dropped, and Borg are beaming on board." announced the
>tactical officer.

Crow: [as tactical officer] They want to know if you know
anything about "Jehovah's Witnesses"?

> "Send the reply for an Omega destruct, move it towards one of
>the cubes.

Crow: Yes sir. They're marching gleefully to their deaths.

> What is the status of the rest of the fleet."
>Picard ordered.

Crow: Grated, sir.

> "Sir, the Borg are concentrating their efforts on the Romulan
>and Klingon ships."

Mike: So they're killing the extras then? Good riddance.

> On the viewscreen, the Borg had stopped firing at the
>Federation craft. Instead of using the sweeps of the cutting
>lasers, short bursts were used to puncture holes in the hulls.

Tom: [as Borg] Like shooing fish in a barrel. Ha ha.

>It was almost like they had stopped trying. Then tiring of
>the game, the Borg lead ship used their tractor beam and
>grabbed a hold of the Warbird. The cube then proceeded
>to carve it up like it was the Thanksgiving day turkey.

Crow: Turkey without stuffing?!
Mike: And cranberries?
Tom: And mashed potatoes?!

> Preador Stovin was terrified.

Tom: His agent had just told him that he was still in the
running for the role of "Neelix."

> He lived through two Borg
>attacks, one under Marrissa.

Mike: And lots of people weren't sure they could handle ANY
form of being under Marrissa.

> The beams slashed though the
>bridge, and Stovin lasted about two seconds before the
>decompression froze him to the bone.
>

Mike: Alas, poor Stovin. I knew him well. Well, actually,
not all that well...
Crow: Tom, wasn't that some drama?
Tom: Yeah, except decompression doesn't freeze you.

> Aboard the Enterprise, in the science room, Data was
>preparing himself to link to the Borg Collective. The
>procedure began as before, with little or no access to the
>Collective.

Mike: Busy signals are a real downer
Tom: Keyword: Jump BORG

> The third linkup was once again the break-through
>into the vast consciousness.

Crow: Data does peyote.

> The download began, and Data
>used his previous experience with the Collective to locate the
>Queen.

Mike: Then Data noticed that the Borg Queen had been buying ad
space at www.strawberryjuice.com, so he just followed the
link back to her.

> The first time Data accessed the Collective when he
>tried to save Locutus, he learned there were subspacial
>connections between each individual Borg.

Crow: It takes a village to raise a Borg.

> Those connections
>looked like a spider web, with each strand connecting a drone
>to the rest of the Collective.

Tom: So actually, kinda more like a big daddy longlegs than a
web.

> At the time, he was engrossed
>with the task of saving humanity, and didn't get a chance to
>follow a link that led away from the Borg ship. The second
>time he was a part of the Collective which was much more
>disorienting.

Mike: But the hours were reasonable.

>It was as if a human was trying to decode one of the magical
>3-D eye puzzles on a much larger scale.

Tom: And the award for "Oddest analogy in a Star Trek story"
goes to . . . Rob Tounts!
All: [Cheer]

> He managed to follow
>the links to the Queen, but noticed that she was outside it
>all.

Crow: He should have just gone through Yahoo

> Enforcing her will where necessary, leaving other areas to
>their preassigned tasks.

Tom: Marrissa had to become a Borg to learn how to delegate?

> This time the Collective structure was different. Each drone
>was connected to a focal point on each ship.

Tom: The Commissar.

> The focal drone
>was then connected to a location outside the ship. In the
>middle of it all, was the Queen, manipulating the Collective
>as she might an appendage.

Crow: But since this a family fanfic, we won't go into all that
right now.

> The downloaded information was guided
>through the links until it finally was on its way to Marrissa.
>Data then manipulated the areas of the Collective

Tom: As ordered by Fleet Admiral Pee-Wee Herman...

> devoted to
>ship building and planning. The blueprints for the two
>attacking Borg vessels were stored in Data's neural net then
>transferred to the ship's computer. Feeling the mission
>complete, Data disconnected himself from the access point.

Crow: But not before downloading the entire archive from
www.nudetrek.com.
Mike: Crow, what have I told you about going to that site?
Crow: Geez Mike. It was research. Where else am I going to
find nude shots of Mot the Barber?
Mike: [To himself] I don't want to know.

>Back in the science lab, the security team took an EMP Rifle
>and fired it point blank at the drone, then vaporised the
>remains.

Tom: [as Borg] I'm your unwilling drone to the Collective , and
this is the thanks I get? Geez...

> There was no point in allowing the Borg knowledge of
>who planted the information there.
>

Mike: That darned old Geneva Convention's so impractical, let's
just circumvent it.

> The Borg had smashed the main body of the fleet. Not to
>mention the Romulan portion.

Tom: Which can be returned for a full refund.

> Marrissa smiled as she watched the
>last Warbird expand into a cloud of fragments. It was almost
>like watching a fireworks display.

Tom: But with a higher body count.
Crow: And look! Dad just set the yard on fire!
Tom: Sound familiar Mike?
Mike: He only did that until the court order forced him to
stop.

> She hadn't destroyed this
>many ships since she and the Enterprise dissolved the Romulan
>Empire.

Crow: With a satisfied smile, she assimilated a cigarette.
Mike: You two are really on today.
Tom: Yeah, we've been following that whole Monica Lewinsky
thing a little too closely.

> The remaining ships were running away, but they
>didn't matter. If anything they would gather all of Starfleet
>in one location, where they could be wiped out with a slash
>of a cutting laser. She wished that her crew could see her
>now.

Tom: I'm sure they're aware of you, at least.

> Jay, Clara, Alexander, everyone. They too could revel in
>her triumph. Perhaps if she were to talk with them, reason
>with them, they could see the benefits of assimilation, the
>powers.

Mike: The 40% employee discounts...
Crow: Eligibility for Corporate Rate at all participating
Ramada Inns...
Tom: Use of the Borg Condo on Oclupuca VII...

> She could train her child to inherit the Collective
>when she was removed.

Mike: We have monarchy, we ARE in a Ratliff story!

> The datastream slowly came flooding
>Marrissa's mind,

Mike: They still haven't finished that 56.6 software?

> as possibilities for her former crew and
>family were brought forth.

Tom: [as Marrissa] A musical! That's the ticket!

> She went with the ideas, then
>wondered why she wished for it. Then she was weak, limited.
>They represented an aspect of her life, one filled with love,
>friendship, and other benefits.

Mike: Like fawning underlings.
Tom: Lots and lots of Strawberries.
Crow: And her large harem of stud muffins.

> They should be allowed to
>live free, but the Borg purpose was to bring order though
>assimilation.

Crow: Like Pat Robertson.

> The two directives battled with each other in
>Marrissa's mind, then spread through the rest of the
>Collective. Both equally powerful forces battled for
>domination of Marrissa and of the millions of Drones under her
>command.

Mike: Geez, talking about forcing your problems on others!

> The struggle mentally exhausted the Borg, and a
>cacophony of the Damned rose from each drone on every ship
>from the Alpha to the Delta quadrant.
>

Tom: [Borg] Shut. Up. Shut. Up. You. Dumb. Broad. Why.
Did. We. Assimilate. You?

> Feeling the pain of the Collective,

Tom: [Bill Clinton] Ah feel yore pain!

> and seeing the massive
>ships begin to drift, the Fleet Admiral managed to get the
>remainders of the fleet safely away. Finally, the Borg
>directive overthrew the dataflow, and the Borg reached the
>decision.

Mike: They'd go with the leather sofa in the rumpus cube.

> The people that were connected with their Queen's
>past were a threat to them. They were to be assimilated,
>or failing that, eliminated without question. The two ships
>cloaked and warped towards Earth.

Mike: So the Borg are worried that Marrissa's warm and fuzzy
feelings will endanger them?