MiSTed: The Orion Incident (StarTrek)
PATRICK H. MINES
your esophagus out and shove it down your throat! *he he he he he*
=============================================================================
MiSTied: The Orion Incedent
by Patrick H. Mines
(S.O.L.)
MIKE: Hi everyone! I'm Mike Nelson and today on the Satillite of Love, we'
re in for a change of pace. Somehow, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo
tricked TV's Frank into sending up a copy of the Rocky Horror Picture
Show. After the experiment this week, we're all going to dress up
and gather in the theater to watch it. I've never seen it before,
but Tom and Crow assure me that it's pretty good.
(Crow enters singing and dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter)
CROW: I'm just a sweet transistor...Hey, Mike, why aren't you in
costume?
MIKE: I didn't get it yet.
(Tom and Gypsy enter dressed as Brad and Janet)
TOM: (singing) Here's the ring to prove that I'm no
joker...Hey, what's the
deal? Why aren't you dressed up, Mike?
CROW: He says he didn't get the costume yet.
TOM: I put it in his cubical.
MIKE: What? There wasn't anything in there but a pair of boots
and golden
underwear!
CROW: Well, you did want to be Rocky. "Crow," you said. "I want
to be the
monster." And that's what he wears.
MIKE: I did not! Besides, I'm not wearing that into the
theater...it's cold
in there!
(Lights start to flash)
TOM: Cheese it you two, Riff-Raff and Magenta are calling!
(DEEP 13)
FRANK: I've always been partial to Eddie myself.
DR F: Shut up, Frank! I deal with you later. As for you,
Mytochondria, it's
invention exchange time. You first!
(S.O.L.)
MIKE: Well, sirs, our invention this week is based on the
mega-popular
Klingon Dictionary.
CROW: (holds up book) It's the Bob Dylan Dictionary!
TOM: Yes, now even you can understand what Old Bob is saying.
Hey, Cambot,
roll some of those Dylan soundclips, okay?
DYLAN: Nee soo, day nee fo Doooo!
TOM: (looking in book) Okay, let's see. Nee soo...ah! Here
we are! "Nice
weather today, isn't it?"
CROW: Neat! Let me try!
DYLAN: No pah, tay lo Naaaaaah!
CROW: Um...no pah, no pah...no day...no mu...aha! No pah, tay
lo Naaaaaah.
"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."?
MIKE: (takes book) Okay, my turn.
DYLAN: Oh doooo,kay lo nah, oh Hoooooo!
MIKE: Oh! I remember seeing that one before...here we go. "What
do you
think, sirs?"
(DEEP 13)
DR F: That's just swell, Fly Boy, but dig this. It's something
I developed
while Frank and I were in the child day care buisness a
while back.
Frank?
FRANK: Thank you. Well, as you know, children can get into
ANYTHING.
Especially when they first learn to walk. But some
children, ones with
malformed knees perhaps, feel left out and unhappy due
totheir physical
disabilities. That's why we've created this! (Holds up a
rather
normal looking walker) "Piedos": The Walker of Fate!
(S.O.L.)
CROW: Hey! That looks like a regular walker!
ALL: YEAH!
(DEEP13)
DR F: Well...it's not! But just for thinking that way, I'm
going to take the
kid gloves off and givew you the hurt big time this week,
Mikey.
FRANK: Y'know, it does look like a regular walker.
(Dr. Forrester bonks Frank on the head with "Piedos")
DR F: It's a Star Trek fanfic by Neale Davidson entitled "The
Orion
Incident." It's got bad writing, bad characters, bad
plot, and bad punctuation. Share and enjoy, my Michelle!
(S.O.L.)
MIKE: Maybe we can translate the King James Bible into Dylan.
(Lights and sirens, etc.)
ALL: Ahhhhh! We got fanfic sign!!!!
G...6...5...4...3...2...1
> Exploding: story/tos/TheOrionIncident
CROW: Good, if it blows up, maybe we won't have to read it.
TOM: Mike? What does "tos" stand for?
MIKE: I don't know, Tom. "The Other Series?"
CROW: "Totally Obscure Settings?"
MIKE: "Two Oval Spheres?"
BOTS: HUH?
MIKE: Nevermind.
> Star Trek
ALL: Yipee.
> The Orion Incident
> by Neale Davidson
MIKE: Uh oh, he must be a bad author, he can't even spell his
name right!
TOM: Uh, Mike, I think it's supposed to be spelled that way.
MIKE: Oh.
>
> From: rcs@expert
CROW: Suuuuure he is.
> .cc.purdue.edu (Neale Davidson)
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
>
>
> TEASER
TOM: Oh, stop teasing!
> Shot: Enterprise shot,
CROW: The Enterprize has been shot, call the Dallas police!
MIKE: You're going to be trouble today, aren't you Crow?
CROW: (quite evilly) Heh heh heh!
> preferably long slow of top side, saucer
to stern.
TOM: Have you read his book Body Parts yet?
MIKE: NO! Uh, I mean, uh, no?
> RILEY: Captain s Log, Stardate 10012.4 ENTERPRISE on support
mission to
> the Orion colonies,
MIKE: Tarzan go with. Be grammar consultant.
> the group of traders with questionable
habits. We are
> transporting equipment and supplies to aid some of their ships
from possible
> Romulan assault.
CROW: Gee, this must have taken place while Clinton was in
office.
>
> Shot: Bridge scene
MIKE: I wonder which bridge...
TOM: The Golden Gate Bridge?
CROW: The world famous Duluth Lift Bridge?
MIKE: Bridge Over Troubled Waters?
> HARRIS: You know, Captain,
CROW: (as Riley) 'Course I do, I AM the captain!
> if the colonies are in that bad of
need for
> support when they re supposed to be neutral then you know that
the Romulans
> are pushing on them.
TOM: Great, just what the universe needs, interstellar drug
smugglers.
> RILEY: Possibly, Doctor. When did you start taking up tactics?
MIKE: (Minnesotan accent) Oh, it's just a little somethin' I do
in my spare
time, don't ya know.
> HARRIS: It doesn t take much, Captain, sir.
TOM: To write a fanfic like this.
> RILEY: Granted, but still, we don t have actual evidence
CROW: But then again, neither did the Warren Commission.
TOM: Crow, are you still on that Oliver Stone kick?
CROW: It was a conspiracy between the CIA and the driver of the
President's
limo!
> that
any Romulans
> are in the area. We won t jump to conclusions until we
actually get there,
MIKE: Then we can jump to conclusions all we want!
> is that ok with you?
> HARRIS: Yes, sir...
CROW: (muttering) Dickweed.
> SAAVIK: Captain, I m getting something on distress channel B.
TOM: Mike? What is it with the apostrophes?
MIKE: What do you mean?
TOM: I mean... WHY ARE THEY ALL FUNNY LOOKING!?!?!?
MIKE: Settle down, Tom. They probably serve some great alterior
motive.
CROW: I think the author's computer is just messed up.
MIKE: That too.
> RILEY: On screen.
> SAAVIK: I can t sir,
CROW: It won't fit.
> it s an automated distress signal. From
USS PEGASUS,
> AVENGER class heavy destroyer.
ALL: HEAV-Y!!
> RILEY: Navigation, set course for signal. Helm, standby shields
and torpedoes.
> Number One,
MIKE: Start counting.
> nature of distress call?
> SAAVIK: Simple Save our ship message, no further
information is available
> from the signal.
> DAVIS: Possible confrontation...
TOM: Oh, heaven forbid! Then there might be some kind of plot
to the story!
> RILEY: Raise shields, ahead warp eleven.
> DAVIS: Going from warp six to eleven, aye.
MIKE: Oh, he must be Canadian.
TOM: No, Mike, it's pronounced "I", not "A".
MIKE: Oh.
> Shot: Enterprise entering warp space.
>
> Shot: Bridge Scene
> SAAVIK: Sensors indicating one vessel, minimal power readings.
> RILEY: On screen, set up parking orbit.
CROW: But there's a $.75 toll!
> Shot: Main viewer changes to reveal extremely damaged RELIANT
similar
> vessel. Port side nacelle blown off, roll bar warped and torn.
TOM: I didn't know Oldsmobile made Reliants with roll bars.
>
Many burn
> marks on hulls.
CROW: (stereotypical Indian voice) Two, maybe three days old.
> RILEY: Oh my god...
ALL: YEEEEEES?
> DAVIS: Whoever hit them gave them one hell of a fight.
> SAAVIK: Analysis of debris indicates plasma weapons. Romulan
weaponry, sir.
> HARRIS: I d say that this qualifies as =D4actual evidence .
>
> OPENER:
TOM: You mean that was just the BEGINNING?
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
> Space, the final frontier... These are the voyages of
the starship
> ENTERPRISE. It s ongoing mission, to explore strange new
worlds, To seek out
> new life, and new civilizations, To bold go where none have
gone before...
CROW: To hell!
MIKE: Actually, I think that's where most fanfic writers end up.
> ACT ONE
>
> Shot: Enterprise crew materializing on the PEGASUS. The bridge
specifically,
> panels have exploded, walls are charred. There are seven bodies
strewn
> about.
> SAAVIK: No life signs other than us on this vessel.
> NEHARAT:Always the pleasant one, eh, commander?
TOM: Why, thank you!
> The ship
looked better
> from the outside.
CROW: Well, why don't you go out there then?
> HARRIS (looking at plate on wall):
MIKE: WOW! They've got a Franklin Mint Collection!!
> USS PEGASUS, NCC 1855. To
search and
> defend. Anyone checking the log banks?
CROW: Yes, they've all gone bankrupt, all that was left were
twigs and
leaves.
> SAAVIK: Already doing so, looks like the captain ordered them
jettisoned.
> The memory banks are wiped clean.
TOM: As a whistle!
> NEHARAT:Wiped clean? We should ve picked up a log buoy
ALL: EEyeeeeeeeew!!!
> out
there somewhere.
> You didn t find that on sensors though, did you?
CROW: I sure hope not.
> SAAVIK: Negative, lieutenant. Fascinating. (Moves to the
captain s chair.)
MIKE: I've never seen one of these in paisley before.
> The log buoy was jettisoned, but it must have been destroyed by
the Romulan
> assault.
TOM: I'll take Star Trek Fanfics for $1000, Alex.
> HARRIS: Quick, clean, simple.
TOM: What are qualities of Davidson's writing skills?
ALL: NOT!!!
> The Romulans attack it, scrap
the log buoy,
> and no one could tell which ones did it.
MIKE: Well, if YOU guys figured it out, they sure as heck didn't
do a very
good job!
> SAAVIK (Opening communicator): Saavik to ENTERPRISE. Saavik to
ENTERPRISE,
> respond.
> JAMES: This is ENTERPRISE, Lieutenant James here.
> SAAVIK: There isn t much we can do for the PEGASUS, recommend
beam out and
> detonation.
TOM: Beam out who? Detonate what?
CROW: The crew I hope.
> JAMES: ENTERPRISE confirms. Stand-by to beam out.
>
> Shot: Enterprise curving behind Pegasus.
> RILEY: Fleet Log,
ALL: (singing) What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, and
over your
neighbor's dog?
> Stardate 10012.4. As captain of the Starship
ENTERPRISE,
> I commit the fallen Starship PEGASUS to the space dust from
which it was
> built, and her crew to the stars and their heavens.
TOM: There's nothing like playing God, is there, Riley?
>
> Shot: Enterprise fires torpedo spread, Pegasus detonates.
>
ALL: Next week on MacGyver!
> Shot: Conference room, Riley is looking out through the window
at the
> Pegasus explosion. Saavik enters with Neharat.
> RILEY (Sadly, almost broken):
CROW: Gee, I hope he's under warranty!
> Report, Saavik.
> SAAVIK: The only evidence we have is the Romulan style weapons
used against
> the Pegasus, sir. That could be enough to take precautions, we
would be
> justified.
TOM: To shoot everything we see.
> RILEY: Justified in aiding Orion? I don t know if I agree with
that.
CROW: (as Gregory Peck) No, no, I don't think so.
>
We
> just attained a truce, Saavik. And it clearly states that
third-party
> involvements would reignite the war. That s a hell of a risk.
TOM: For just two weekends a month.
> NEHARAT: But the Romulans have destroyed one of our ships near
those
> colonies. Isn t that the same thing?
MIKE: (as Riley) Don't EVER contradict me in front of the
woman, do you hear
me??
> RILEY: For all we know, PEGASUS could have attacked the
Romulans and got
> defeated.
CROW: I think it's pretty safe to say they were defeated.
> The Romulans would definitely take that stance and
there s no way
> to disprove it, not without the log buoy.
> SAAVIK: I ve taken the liberty of informing Starfleet of the
incident.
MIKE: Oh, DID you, Miss High and Mighty Vulcan?
>
We
> don t have their reply as yet. You re acting on your own.
TOM: In a one man production of "A Christmas Carol".
> RILEY: As always. All right, set course to Orion, warp six.
I m going to my
> quarters.
> SAAVIK (Motioning Neharat to leave but talking to Riley):
Captain, may I
> talk with you?
ALL: NO!
> RILEY (As Neharat leaves and the door shuts): What s on your
mind,
> Commander?
MIKE: Where do you want to be in five years?
> SAAVIK: You are, T Salek.
TOM: Say! Bucka-WOW! Heh heh heh.
> I know something is bothering you,
you always
> come into here when you re upset.
> RILEY: You know me too well, Saavik m.
MIKE: Hey, look! They're copyrighting the names within the
script. Boy,
they sure are strict on plagiarism these days!
> It s just when I was
looking at the
> PEGASUS out there, it didn t take much imagination
CROW: Neither did this story.
> to think
that that could
> have been the ENTERPRISE. And that some captain was scattering
my ship. I m
> just scared of that one mistake, that one error.
MIKE: That one blunder, that one goof-up, that one...but I
digress.
> SAAVIK (Approaching her Captain slowly): What error?
TOM: Hiring you.
> What do
you mean?
> RILEY: The error which costs all of us our lives, Saavik m.
The one fatal
> error.
MIKE: Appearing in another Star Trek fanfic.
> Shot: Enterprise orbiting planet, preferably with planet at
left and
> Enterprise coming in from the right from off screen.
TOM: Oh, I think that would look just lovely.
MIKE: Oh, definately.
> DAVIS: Now approaching Orion, captain.
>
> Shot: Bridge Scene
> RILEY: Standard orbit, if you please, Mister Davis.
> DAVIS: Aye sir, readying standard orbit.
> RILEY: Open hailing frequencies, Mister James.
> JAMES: Aye, sir. Hailing frequencies are open.
MIKE: Were you born in a barn? Close those frequencies!
> RILEY: Orion, this is ENTERPRISE.
TOM: Our ongoing mission...you know the rest.
> We ve set up a parking
orbit above you.
CROW: Can you validate our pass?
> What is it that you d like to discuss?
> ARGAN (Appearing on viewer): This is Argan, coordinator of
stellar actions
> of the Orion Colonies.
CROW: (in a deep voice) Keeper of the Cheese!
> This is a matter of great difficulty,
Captain. We
> are in dire need of protection.
> RILEY: From the Romulans?
MIKE: No, from fanfic writers.
> I thought your worlds have declared
their
> neutrality in our conflict, why should they attack you?
> ARGAN: We have the richest worlds in this quadrant, Captain.
Certainly you
> can appreciate how much of a target that could make us.
ALL: DUH!!
> RILEY: I can appreciate it, but the Romulans are more generally
concerned
> with strategy. The taking of your world would break that line
of thinking.
TOM: It's just plain stupid!
> Orion is dozens of parsecs from The Zone, nevertheless their
empire.
CROW: I bet Han Solo could make it in less than 12 parsecs.
> ARGAN: You are unconvinced still?
MIKE: No, but I'm still unconvinced.
> We have lost eight of our
own ships,
CROW: Have you checked the cushions?
> and we haven t yet heard from your previous courier. I tell
you that the
> Romulans are out here.
TOM: They're WAY out there, man!
> RILEY: Very well, we ll arrange something as quickly as
possible.
CROW: (muttering) Wienerhead.
>
Meanwhile,
> the Federation could only spare this ship to aid you.
> ARGAN: Only one ship? You d be destroyed by them as well as
us.
MIKE: Oh no! The Orions are going to attack the Enterprise!
There might be
an action scene!
> RILEY: Take it or leave it, Argan, we don t have to stay here.
> ARGAN: Very well, ENTERPRISE, we have no choice.
> RILEY: Good day, Argan. (Motions to turn the viewer off.)
Opinions,
> gentlemen?
MIKE: I think Rush Limbaugh plays good music.
TOM: I think the Chevy Chase Show was actually pretty good.
CROW: I like the way Troi's butt wiggles when she walks.
MIKE: CROW!
CROW: Oops! Excuse me, I have a cold.
OTHERS: HUH?
CROW: Nevermind.
> SAAVIK: Your attitude toward them was highly nondiplomatic.
CROW: 'Course it didn't really help to call him wienerhead.
>
But the Orions
> did seem extremely anxious to get our help.
> HARRIS: The computer s right, Rob,
TOM: And the door's to the left, please leave through it.
> they did seem a bit eager.
That s not
> like them.
> RILEY: Well, conclusions, Saavik?
MIKE: They all live happily ever after, the end.
> SAAVIK: Given all the data so far, I d say that the Orions
were overwhelmed
> with the Romulans, and are facing a very serious threat.
CROW: Yeah, a sequel.
> RILEY: Logically, I would agree.
MIKE: Illogically, I would do a little dance.
> But something isn t right
here. Why would
> the Romulans want to break the cease-fire in the middle of
truce-talks? I
> don t like it, and I don t know why...
ALL: IT STINKS!
> HARRIS: Could be Klingons, they ve got enough ships resembling
the Romulan
> ones. Also, their empire is much closer than the Romulans as
well.
> RILEY: I m keeping that in mind. I don t know yet.
MIKE: I just don't know. I really just don't know. I'm afraid
that even I
really just don't know.
> Shot: computer library, a console is on.
TOM: (singing) Obladi, oblada, it is oooon! La la la la the
console is on!
> COMP: Subject, USS PEGASUS, NCC 1855, reference Stardate 10010.
> ALYA: Go.
CROW: To HELL!!
MIKE: Crow, stop it!
CROW: Sorry.
> COMP: Mission Status, courier route to Orion Colonies to
investigate
> possible Romulan assaults there. Under orders not to fire on
any vessel
> unless directly fired upon.
TOM: Or if we're felling really bitter.
> ALYA: Computer, access ship s logs, reference Stardate to
current.
> COMP: Working,
CROW: (singing) Nine to five, what a way to make living!
> logs are unable to accessed from Stardate
10011.9. Other
> logs are accessible. Request security clearance of level four.
> ALYA: Initiate security scan, voice print.
MIKE: Gee, I guess her voice can't write cursive.
> COMP: Accepted, do you wish to access logs?
> ALYA: Yes, specific entries on Romulan vessels and combat.
> COMP: Working, last entry, Stardate 10011.89.
> ALYA (drawing a deep breath):
CROW: Mike, what does a breath look like?
MIKE: I don't know, but it be pretty hard to draw since they're
invisible.
> Proceed.
> GARREN (Image on console is tape from log): Captain s Log,
Stardate
> 10011.89. We are about four days from Orion, so far we
haven t seen any
> signs of Romulan activity.
MIKE: But we did see some for Wall Drug.
> R-SHIRT
TOM: (singing) Red shirts are delicious, delicious! Candy
coated love!
> (Also on image): Sir, detecting magnetic disturbance,
range of
> seventy-four a.u. It just appeared there.
> GARREN: What? Check again.
CROW: You check, I'm bitter.
> R-SHIRT: It s not there now, can t be sure what it was.
> GARREN: Keep looking.
TOM: For Mr. Goodbar.
> (Suddenly distracted) No.
ALL: YES!
> R-SHIRT: Romulan Bird-of-Prey firin-
> COMP (image goes off): End of logs. No further log
transmissions from USS
> PEGASUS.
TOM: Speaking of end of logs, it time to go guys.
MIKE: Okay, let's go.
1...2...3...4...5...6...G
CROW: The Mad's were right, that was pretty bad.
MIKE: Well, at least it didn't have Wesley Crusher in it.
ALL: Yeah. *sigh*
(Light flashes)
(DEEP 13)
DR F: You lucked out this time, Mindy. Frank got caught in
Eddie mode and
ruined the rest of the fanfic. I'll have to send the rest
later.
Right now, I've got to go kill Frank...AGAIN! 'Till next
time
boobies...get over here, Frank!
(Dr. F starts chasing Frank around. Frank's on a motorcycle, and
Dr. F's on a
wheelchair)
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
////////=
All characters and what not belong to some one. You figure it
out.
No ill will was intended toward the author *giggle* it's just for
fun.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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> RILEY: Oh my god...
special thanks to Lisa Jenkins for all her help
i remember doing the time warp.
CC: Crow Chainsaw. "I am the very model of a cartoon
individual."
CROWT.ROBOT,WAKKOWARNER,RIFF-RAFF,ZAPHODBEEBLEBROX,WILEE.COYOTE,M
ACGYVER,OPUS,
Patrick H. Mines, PhD. | "Pull a rabbit out of your
pants!"-Wakko Warner
pmi...@wpo.uwsuper.edu | "Dig me, I'm huge!" -Crow T. Robot
DEADPOOL,HANSOLO,JEAN-LUCPICARD,WEIRDAL,TASSLEHOFFBURRFOOT,GOOFY,
BOBAFETT,BOND
--
CC: Crow Chainsaw. "I am the very model of a cartoon individual."
CROWT.ROBOT,WAKKOWARNER,RIFF-RAFF,ZAPHODBEEBLEBROX,WILEE.COYOTE,MACGYVER,OPUS,
Patrick H. Mines, PhD. | "Pull a rabbit out of your pants!"-Wakko Warner
pmi...@wpo.uwsuper.edu | "Dig me, I'm huge!" -Crow T. Robot
DEADPOOL,HANSOLO,JEAN-LUCPICARD,WEIRDAL,TASSLEHOFFBURRFOOT,GOOFY,BOBAFETT,BOND