MST3Ked: Psychetronics (part 2)

[Joseph Merlino]

Hello all my friends in MiSTy land,

I'm dreadfully sorry that this took me so long, but here is the second and final
part of "Psychetronics". I must extend my heartfelt thanks to Lynsa, who did
th' bulk of th' work on this one. Thank you, dear!

We rejoin the boys and Gypsy at commercial sign:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------[SOL: the whole gang; a low whine is in the background]

Servo: Guys, do you really think lining the satellite with lead would cut
contact with the Mads? I mean,that way we'd avoid these
darn posts *and* the movie experiments.

Crow: Oh, I don't think so.

Mike: We'd still be stuck up here, for one.

Gypsy: Yeah, and most of the lead in the ship is built into the load pan bay.
We can't take it apart.

Servo: It can't be that hopeless! There's got to be a way out, man!

Crow: There *is* no way out of here!

Mike, Gypsy and Crow:
AAUUGH!

[Deep 13: Gerry and Sylvia are mopping up after Frank; Dr. F is fiendishly
twiddling the controls of the Existentiamatic]

Dr. F: Just a few more adjustments and I'll have accomplished what five years
of Lippert and Corman could only begin to do: the complete subjugation
of those bratty robots and that annoying temp! And now that I know the
Existentiamatic can reach outer space, we'll see if we can't reach
*cyber space* as well and give those conspiracy nuts something to
really choke on! Bwahahahah!

>***********************MORE COMMERCIALS****************************************
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Part 2
>------------------------------------------------------------------------

[SOL: Mike, Gypsy and Crow are moaning with their heads on the desk; the
low whine of the Existentiamatic continues]

Servo: Fight it, man, fight it! You've never given up on anything in your
life! Don't quit now!

Mike: [raising his head] Oh, what's the point? [drops head back down]

Crow: I got a shiver in my bones, Servo.

Gypsy: A quiver in my voice, as if I might cry. Oh, Richart Basehart, oh...

Servo: You don't have a heart, Gypsy, or any tear ducts! Oh, man, what am I
gonna do? I can't finish this post by myself!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: Deal with it, my little pony keg! You're finished! Give in to the
despair that is the Existentiamatic!

[SOL]

Servo: Never! Never, I say! Magic Voice, you gotta help me out here!

MV: What can I do, little fella? I'm disembodied.

Servo: Yes, but being an auditory being, you *can* get us out of this,
I think! Am I right in supposing that this Existentiamatic thingee
is some kinda low-frequency sound?

MV: Sure are. Talk to anyone who's listened to too much Skinny Puppy and
you'll see the same effect.

Servo: Okay! So send the same frequency back out to Forrester!

MV: Oh! Good thing I spent so much time listening to the Harmonic Choir.

[Magic Voice sends out the tone; the whine begins to reverberate with
overtones]

Dr. F: [struggling with the bucking Existentiamatic] Hey! Cut that out, you
little brat! What a world, what a world!

[The Existentiamatic explodes, leaving Dr. F covered in soot]

Dr. F: Just for that, you get the second half of Glenda Stocks' little
reposted rant! *And* I'm sending Ratliffe anonymous email
encouraging him to write more fanfics! One way or another,
I *will* get all of you yet!

Mike: [coming out of it] Wow, what happened?

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

Servo: No time to talk about it now, we've got USEnet sign!

6...5...4...3...2...1...

>Continued from the previous message...
>
>fact that its transmissions are "straight line" and can thus be beamed
>with ease into small or tiny areas. E(L)F, by comparison, tends to
>scatter widely. Microwaves are generated by a device known as a
>

Crow: Radarange.

Mike: Without radar, life itself would not be possible!

All: RADAR!

>"Magnetron"

Servo: (announcer voice) MAGNETRON: King of Magnets!

> in which electrons, generated by a heated cathode, are
>moved by the combined force of a magnetic and electrical field. The
>cathode is a hollow cylinder with the outside coated with barium and
>strontium oxide electron emitters.

Crow: Do you suppose this guy is the one that writes the techspeak for Star
Trek?

> Arranged concentrically around the
>outside of the cathode is a large cylindrical anode containing a large
>number of "resonant cavities",

Mike: So use Crest.

> normally of quarter-wavelength, on the
>inner surface. When switched on, the magnetron generates an electrical

Mike: Do either of you guys have any idea what he's talking about?

Crow: Nope.

Servo: Nope.

>field radially between anode and cathode, while the magnetic field is
>coaxial with the cathode. The complete assembly is sealed inside a
>vacuum enclosure.

Mike: Fisssher!

> The maximum power output is naturally limited by the
>size of the individual Magnetron

Servo: Naturally.

> but research indicates the largest
>can generate a stream of microwave "pulses" at up to ten million watts
>per pulse. The resulting microwave pulsed beam can be focused

Crow: Onto a bowl of popcorn, forming a warm and tasty snack.

> in much
>the same way as a camera lens - from ultra wide angle to telephoto -
>creating area or pinpoint capability. Fortunately the Magnetron is not
>a small device. Informed sources

Servo: As opposed to, say, me--

> indicate a portable Magnetron
>powerful enough to harm a large group of demonstrators, for example,
>would require space equal to a small truck.

Mike: Phew! For a second I thought it was better than radar.

>Amount of Injury
>
>Walter Bowart, American author of Operation Mind Control, claims that
>by 1989, at least one group of female British demonstrators had been
>exposed to Barrier Warfare

Servo: Known as the female condom--Operation Reality.

> of the EHF microwave variety. Bowart's
>claim fell in line with covert approval from the White House to test
>such systems on non-American citizens. His claim was given further
>credibility by the

Servo: ...little elves that live in my closet.

> savage mind control experiments funded by the CIA,

Crow: And made into movies starring Tim Robbins.

>and carried out by notorious psychiatrist Ewen Cameron on Canadians in
>Montreal - once again, non-Americans and thus expendable.

Servo: ...because RABBITS ARE EXPENDABLE!!!

> Specific
>symptoms presented by the females,

Mike: ... to the males, who take them to the threshing floor and dance about
like gadflies, thus propitiating the tribal deity

> who were demonstrating against
>American nuclear weapons or waste in Britain, were as follows:
>
>1. Anomalies with menstrual cycles;

Mike: Mmm hmmm...

>2. Spontaneous abortion;

Crow: Impromto vs. Wade.

>3. Other (unspecified) feminine problems;

Servo: Being hit on by Torgo, for example.

>4. Retinal burning;

Crow: Ooooohhh...

Mike: No, Crow, he said "retinal".

Crow: Oh.

>5. Inner ear problems;

Servo: (old man voice) WHAT???

>6. Rapidly growing tumours.

Mike: (a la Ah-nold) It's not a tumor!

>At the time the demonstrators were camped for an extended period of
>time in tents, indicative of

Servo: Lack of traditional housing?

> "low level" wide angle bombardment
>designed to produce severe discomfort in the long term, rather than
>acute discomfort or death in the short term.

Crow: Wait, so the tents were indicative of low level wide angle
bombardment?

Mike: I don't think so.

Crow: That's what he said.

Servo: Guys?

M & C: Yeah?

Servo: Don't try to make it make sense.

Crow: Good point.

>Detecting the Weapons
>
>Unfortunately for the British females,

Mike: ..."Benny Hill" remained in production for another 3 years.

> no device was available on the
>open market to detect any form of psychetronic bombardment. In
>Australia such devices are available from Dick Smith and known as
>"Microwave Leak Detectors", costing A$23.95. They were originally
>designed to be run around

Crow: ...until they get tired and pass out.

> the rubber seal of microwave ovens to detect
>a potentially dangerous radiation leak. If a leak was found, then the
>seal had to be changed immediately.

Mike: For a walrus.

Servo: Goo-goo-ga-joob.

The microwave leak detector is
>directional and capable of picking up psychetronic microwave output as
>low as one milliwatt per square centimetre. In other words, it is very
>sensitive

Mike: It cries a lot, wears black and listens to a lot of Joni Mitchell.

> Medical research in the U.S. has already proven that
>sustained exposure to low-level leaks from domestic microwave ovens
>can cause

Mike: ...a desire to wear a lime green lab coat and glasses.

> serious problems with the eyes, including cataracts. The
>research was carried out on a large group of women who had been
>exposed to such a leak in an open plan office

Servo: Resulting in an overwhelming urge to make coffee for the boys, wear
really short skirts, and never ask for raises!

Mike: (boss voice) Thank you, Magnetron!

> over a period of many
>months. The level of damage in each case was directly proportional to
>the distance from the leaking microwave oven.
>
>Defence Against Psychetronics
>
>In the case of the British females, Bowart suggested they cover their
>tents with standard grade cooking foil. They did so and the effects
>stopped immediately.

Crow: Plus, they made their own gravy!

> At low to medium power settings, the psychetronic
>microwave beam can be stopped in the same way as a layer of cooking
>foil placed over food in a microwave oven

Servo: (announcer voice) ...rendering it crispy on the outside, and
oh so juicy inside.

Mike: That's Artie's Whole Beef Halves - we deliver.

> - reflecting the waves back
>and preventing the food from cooking. The fact that microwaves cook by
>vibrating the molecules in the food until they heat up, goes a long
>way toward explaining the wide ranging problems experienced by the
>British team of demonstrators.

Crow: I thought women *liked* vibrating.

Servo: Only when there's multiple attachments.

Mike: Hey, how do you two know about that?

Servo: We found the magazine in your sock drawer.

> The precise neurological damage
>discussed by the U.S. armed forces referred only to E(L)F
>transmissions, on exact tested wavelengths.

Servo: (roadie voice) Two! Two! Testing...testing...are you vibrating in the
back?

>EHF effects are
>unfortunately more generalised. If demonstrating along the perimeter
>of a U.S. installation, it would be wise to have a few dozen rolls of
>cooking foil

Mike: Ever get the feeling this guy owns stock in Reynolds Aluminum?

>and a microwave detector available, no matter how silly
>it might feel to walk around looking like a bright silver robot.

Crow and Servo: (angrily) Heeeeeeyyyyyyy!!!

> At
>the same time, be aware that any radar transmitter inside the base
>will also activate the microwave detector, but only if it is in line
>with the transmitting aerial in question.

All: RADAR!

> * RM 1.2 00257 * ... Do misbehaving witches get sent to the broom closet?

All: SHUT UP!

1...2...3...4...5...6...

<SOL-Bridge>

Mike: Wow, Servo, I think you saved all of us from the pit of despair!
Servo: Well, I can't take all the credit. Magic Voice helped out too.
MV: Thanks, Tom. Glad to see you're all feeling better.
Crow: The only problem is we *are* still stuck up here with no way to block
these darn posts!
Mike: Then we'll fight back the only way we can--with a song! Cambot, strike
up the band!

THE GLENDA STOCKS SONG
[to the tune of "The Sandy Frank Song"; they all start frug-ing]

All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Crow: Wasting bandwidth everywhere!
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Servo: Sleeps inside a lead-lined bed!
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Mike: Shops at Costco for her foil!
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Mike: Take it, Gypsy!
Gypsy: Uh, thinks that people come from trees!
Mike: Well, close enough.
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Crow: Really enjoyed the sixties too much!
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Servo: Channels beings left and right!
All: Glenda Stocks! Glenda Stocks!
Mike: Conspires to see conspiracies....

[Deep 13: Gerry is holding up a bucket, from which an IV drip leads into
Frank; Dr. F is futilely trying to put the Existentiamatic back together
again]

Frank: Glenda Stocks, Glenda Stocks...say, I'm feeling much better!
Dr. F: Oh, shut up and push the button, Frank!

PWOOSH

Frank: Do I detect a touch of Simple Green?

Credits:

Misting by: Joe Merlino and Lynsa

Skits by: Lynsa

Song by: Lynsa

(Lynsa really saved my butt on this one! -JM)

>>6. Rapidly growing tumours.

Just Another Redneck Paisan
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
--Joe Merlino / "Never look too deep into the mind of a lawyer."
ko...@acs.bu.edu / -Brisco County, Jr.
(std disclaimers apply) /
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obmst3k: "Milk: It does a body DEAD!" -Tom Servo
"You're not fully dead unless you're ZESTfully dead." -Crow T. Robot