MiSTed - "Royal & Prime Directives" (Marrissa Stories) 7/8
Bill Livingston
MIKE: Sorry about running out on you like that, Crow.
CROW: That's okay, I found an alternate buyer.
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CROW: So Giganews is equal to, what, one billion newses?
TOM: Yeah, a billion copies of a regular newspaper. Or one Sunday edition
of the New York Times.
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>From: Stephen Ratliff <ste...@trekiverse.org>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 13/18 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
MIKE: Look out, he's going up again!
CROW: This *is* the Marrissafic that never ends!
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>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 13/18 Weekly
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
>(speed of posting increased)
>
[Tom does speeded-up tape noises]
>Chapter Twelve: The Stars of Destiny
>
CROW: Ladies and Gentlemen, Kelly Clarkson!
> Prince Avery laid back on the grass in the Odyssey's garden,
>looking up at the stars.
MIKE: Waiting for the Narcs to show up.
> The cool night air off the bay was very
>relaxing. Somewhere above him was the ship that his father was on, the
>Enterprise. Avery had been left in charge while his father faced trial.
TOM: Well, so much for Sovereign Immunity.
>It had been a very busy day for the young Prince, and this was really the
>first time he'd been able to get away from it.
> It had started with the arrangements for his father.
CROW: Yeah, who knew he could go through that many hookers a day?
> He'd be
>sending a daily report back and forth via the Stargazer. That was how he'd
>escaped from the pressures of the day,
MIKE: Y'know, if you're doing paperwork to *relax*, you've made a serious
career mistake somewhere.
> by taking the report to the dock
>himself, then not coming directly back to his father's office. It was time
>to end the day anyway.
CROW: [Avery] Welp, no point puttin' it off - better break out the cyanide.
> He heard the grass rustle beside him. Turning his head, he was
>surprised to see his sister actually wearing a dress.
TOM: Usually, she just ran around naked as a jaybird.
CROW: Especially since she started seeing sailor boy.
> "Hello Avery,"
>Brittany said. For a long while they just stared up at the stars.
TOM: [Avery] They're all so... big!
>"Which one is the ship Dad's up on?"
> "I'm not sure," Avery said. "Father said I probably wouldn't be
>able to spot it, though. How long have you known?"
CROW: [Brittany] Since a couple of nights ago, but now I can't walk straight.
MIKE: [wincing] Crow, please.
> "Two years," Brittany said. "I was hiding in Dad's Office when
>Lord Harlan talked to Dad about the possibility Dad being put on trial like
>he is now.
CROW: [Brittany] By the way, what's the "Twinkie Defense"?
> I never really believed, it's a little hard to, isn't it?"
TOM: [Mulder] I want to believe.
> "A little? My father, long time King was flying around among the
>stars for years before I was born, and was born on another planet," Avery
>said.
MIKE: I felt the same way when I found out my folks had been to Woodstock.
> "I knew they were different, but this ..."
TOM: Scene is going nowhere.
> "Why just Dad though?" Brittany asked. "There are still about
>three score of Dad's crew alive in Ellosia."
CROW: And someday he'll find out where they're hiding, the big snitches!
> "He said that the Captain is responsible for the actions of his
>crew," Avery said. "I guess it's a noble idea, but I'd rather he not have
>to do it at all. Especially after yesterday."
TOM: But - but I *believe* in yesterday!
> "I know," Brittany said. "What are we going to do?"
> "I don't know what you're going to do," Avery said. "I've got all
>the big problems. Do you know just how many reports that Father gets?
MIKE: [Avery] Dad's life's on the line, and the paperwork is just *horrible*!
>Then there is the decision of what to do with all the captive members of
>Lord Henry's forces that Father left to me.
CROW: Let's see, hmmmm, oh here's an idea, how about JAIL?!?
> I'm actually glad Lord Henry
>escaped, because I don't want to handle dealing with that scum.
MIKE: Yeah, you scrub and you scrub and you still can't get him out.
> He locked
>up mom and left her to die alone!"
TOM: You just know that'll never come back to haunt him in the future.
> "I know," Brittany said. "Do you want me to handle the
>arrangements for Mom's funeral?"
CROW: [Brittany] I can get Creed to play it for only $125,000!
MIKE: [Avery] Hmmm, what can we get for $500?
CROW: [Brittany] Either a William Shatner impersonator or Molly Hatchet.
> "Sure," Avery said, going silent for a while, staring up at the
>stars. He was sure a dim trio of them weren't moving like the others.
>
TOM: Once again, the Baldwin Brothers make their mark on Hollywood.
> Captain Richard York, late of the USS Odyssey, and current King of
>Ellosia,
ALL: And a good friend!
> was trying to make his dress uniform collar comfortable when the
>door chime rang.
TOM: [Doorbell] Los-er!
> Rear Admiral Picard had decided to give him quarters
>instead of keeping him in the brig.
CROW: Give the guy a few rounds of Q*Bert and he'll stay in one spot forever.
> True there was a pair of guards
>outside the door, but he appreciated the courtesy. The door chimed again.
>"Enter."
TOM: Without even checking to see who it is first? That's how he almost
got himself coup d'etat-ed.
CROW: He has a trusting soul - and the brains of a cheese slicer.
> "Captain York, the court is ready to go in session," the young
>girl's voice said.
MIKE: Which was strange, because it was coming out of a 49-year old man.
> Captain York turned around to discover the same blond
>girl that had arrested him the previous night.
MIKE: Geez, suddenly she's all over the place!
TOM: I hear she's taking over *all* the roles on "Boomtown".
> She was now in her own
>dress whites, with the gray insert instead of the white he had.
CROW: He's been away so long, he didn't even realize it was after Labor
Day, the poor dope.
> On her
>mustard yellow mock turtle's collar, there were the two pips that denoted
>the girl's rank.
CROW: You know, I'm genuinely surprised that Marrissa actually isn't getting
as much air time as she usually does.
> "Please show the way, Lieutenant," Captain York said.
TOM: Then take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away.
> The hallways of this ship were a lot darker than the ones from his
>era.
MIKE: They replaced all the 75 watt bulbs with 40 watt ones. Saved a real
bundle, from what I heard.
> This was the Federation Flagship, he'd been told, USS Enterprise
>NCC-1701-E. Apparently the D hadn't lasted long.
TOM: Hey, seven whole seasons - and most of a movie.
CROW: Everything was fine until they let the ship's counselor drive.
> It was different that he
>expected.
CROW: Duller.
MIKE: More derivative.
TOM: Fewer babes in miniskirts.
> The girl leading him to trial proved that.
MIKE: [Marrissa] If you'll look at this irrefutable data I've collected,
it's different than what you expected.
CROW: [York] By Jove, she's right!
> She couldn't be much
>older than his own daughter, but he'd heard her referred to as Chief,
CROW: [Marrissa] Don't call me chief.
>and she wore Lieutenant's pips.
TOM: She's a chief *and* a lieutenant! It's wacky!
> Ahead he could see two more officers standing guard at a plain
>door.
MIKE: It's the high-security vanilla storeroom.
> The Lieutenant seemed to be heading for it. The door opened. Just
>a few more steps and he'd see the room he'd been dreading since the day his
>ship had crashed.
>
CROW: The Madrid Room at the Sheraton.
TOM: Now he has to explain all those low Amway sales figures.
> The court room was rather plain, with dark gray walls. A judges
>bench dominated one wall, with places for three,
CROW: And plenty of trunk space.
> and a witness stand to one
>side. A table for the defense, and a table for the prosecution,
TOM: And a kids' table.
> plus a
>court reporter's stand, all in burnished silver.
CROW: Plus an icebox with a mini-bar
> The only adornment in the
>room were two flags, the blue banner of the United Federation of Planets,
>and the white and red one of Star Fleet.
MIKE: Both of them had pictures of Marrissa that covered 95% of the banner.
> Captain York took his seat beside Commander Riker.
CROW: [Riker] Welcome to the Cool People Table! Everyone knows that only
losers sit at the prosecution table!
> The prosecution
>appeared to be a light skinned alien with Lieutenant Commander's pips.
CROW: The Michelin Man joins Starfleet.
>The court reporter, a Bolian, was the only other person in the room at the
>moment.
TOM: How about that - a Bolian who hasn't been killed yet.
> Captain York barely had time to wonder what was taking the
>remainder of the court's time to arrive, when the door opened and another
>young girl, this with short brown hair entered.
MIKE: Captain York had the sinking feeling his court martial was being
handled by the Aaron Carter Fan Club.
CROW: And he was right.
> She went to stand in front
>of the bench, and said, "This special court martial session under Section
>847 of the Star Fleet Code of Justice Regulations is now in session.
TOM: [Girl] Attorneys are asked to leave the customary bribes at the
front desk.
>Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise, presiding,
MIKE: [Girl] Anyone caught snickering at the term "Rear Admiral" gets
30 days in the brig.
> Captain T'Gwen
>Washington of the Miranda,
CROW: Anyone else having "Premier Ma(r)qui(s)" flashbacks at this point?
MIKE: I am.
TOM: Me too.
TOM09: Me three.
TOM02: Me four.
CROW: Yeah, I - huh?
TOM: What?
> and Captain Yuki Yoshida of the Tian Men
>complete the panel. Please rise for the Judges."
CROW: Captains Paula Abdul and Simon Crowell.
> Captain York stood, and examined the judges as they entered. He
>hadn't been aware that Picard had been promoted, but it was high time that
>the Captain of the flagship carry flag rank.
TOM: Because darn it, no ordinary Captain can do the job!
> Captain Washington appeared
>to be Vulcan, which probably meant she'd be a literalist when judging him.
MIKE: So he had to be careful not to tell the panel, "Bite Me".
[Crow nips Mike]
MIKE: YOWCH! What was *that* for?!?
CROW: I've become a literalist in my spare time.
>Captain Yoshida was a short Japanese man, who seemed to be quite serious,
TOM: Actually, though, he was quite silly.
>as he sat down to the left of Admiral Picard. It didn't look like the
>panel would be very in favor of his case.
MIKE: Even though it was made from the finest imitation Moroccan leather.
> "Please be seated," Admiral Picard said. "Shayna, please read the
>charges."
> "The Defendant, Captain Richard Paul York, late of the USS
>Odyssey,"
CROW: I'll say! We waited for him for over an hour!
> Shayna began, reading from a PADD, "is charged with violating the
>Prime Directive in his actions in the last twenty years,
TOM: He "pulled a Kirk".
MIKE: I once pulled a Kirk. Had to stay off my feet for a week.
> while stranded on
>the planet designated Gamma Hydra Three.
TOM: There's just something poetic and moving about the way Starfleet
chooses such lyrical names for planets.
> In particular, his is charged
MIKE: His *what*?
CROW: His own bad self.
>with taking over the government of the primitive nation state of Ellosia on
>that planet, and ruling it for the last 20 years,
CROW: And he did it all without rigging the Supreme Court vote, too.
> failure to destroy items
>of technology above the planet's level,
MIKE: Soap.
TOM: Combs.
CROW: Bread.
> and use of the said items to
>accomplish that rule."
TOM: [Washington] Guilty!
CROW: [Yoshida] Guilty!
MIKE: [Picard] Ix-nay! We haven't done the trial yet.
> "How does the defendant plead,"
MIKE: Probably on his knees like a coward.
> Admiral Picard asked, his eyes
>focused on Captain York.
MIKE: That Lasix surgery really paid off for Jean-Luc.
> Commander Riker stood, and said, "Your honor, the Defendant wishes
>to plead Not Guilty to the charge of use of technology to take over
>Ellosia, and Provisionally Guilty to the charges of takeover, ruling, and
>failure to destroy."
CROW: [York] It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
MIKE: [Picard] Agreed. We'll be charging them, too.
> "The court will hear the provisions," Admiral Picard said.
CROW: He wants a big bowl of orange Reese's Pieces and a fresh bottle of
Evian each shift.
> "On the charge of failure to destroy, Captain York contends that he
>complied with it to the best of his abilities, but was unable do more with
>the materials available," Riker said.
TOM: [York] Hmm, guess you can't paper-cut a phaser to death. Oh well, may
as well hang on to it, then.
> "On the charges of take over and
>rule of a primitive nation state, Captain York contends that by doing so,
>he is preserving sprit of the Prime Directive, given that his ship crashed
>and crushed the previous ruling body in it's landing."
MIKE: [Riker] So you can see how committing a simple act of mass homicide led
him to make his compassionate decision to grab power with both fists.
> Admiral Picard looked left and right, getting brief nods from
>Captains Washington and Yoshida.
TOM: Party in 10-Forward after the lynching. Pass it on.
> "The Court will accept those provisions,"
>he said. "Mister Data, do you have an opening statement prepared?"
MIKE: [Data] No sir, because I don't think I'm in this scene.
> "Your honor, I do," Data said, standing.
CROW: ["Airplane" guy] Check it, bleed! Bro - was *on*!
> "The defendant crashed on
>this planet twenty years ago in the middle of the First Cardassian War, and
>is currently ruling a small country known as Ellosia as King Richard I.
TOM: His other aliases include "The Big Y", "Ricky the Weasel" and "Tiffany".
>These are the readily observable facts. The Prosecution intends to prove
>that King Richard is not only King, but became so by force of arms,
MIKE: He had help from Doctor Octopus.
>and uses technology to maintain that rule. Furthermore, the Prosecution
>contends that the Defendant has made no effort to maintain even the sprit
>of the Prime Directive."
TOM: [Data] And the Prosecution contends that the defendant is a great big
doody-head!
CROW: [Riker] Oh yeah? Well the defense contends that you should shut up!
> Data sat down once again.
> "Commander Riker, do you have an opening statement prepared?"
>Admiral Picard asked.
TOM: [Riker] Yes, I'd like to discuss some exciting new products from
the Amway corporation.
MIKE: [Picard] Overruled! This is *my* territory, Beard Boy!
> "I do your honor," Riker said, standing. "Captain Richard York is
>a man who had to make many difficult decisions.
CROW: Why, just this morning, he had to choose between IHOP's Rooty-Tooty
Fresh'n'Fruity and the Denny's Grand Slam!
> These were decisions
>which he spent lots of time considering. He worked to minimize a Prime
>Directive violation situation that was beyond his control to prevent.
MIKE: The planet just swerved right in front of him! Honest!
>We shall prove that the initial violation was beyond his control and since
>then he has done as best as he could to implement as many ways to reduce
>that violation.
TOM: Yeah, like letting his wife die a horrible and painful death!
> While it is true that he rules a small nation on the
>planet below,
TOM: [Riker] ...He only does that in his spare time.
> we shall prove that Captain York acts in line with rules of
>the planet, and only took over due to his saucer section crashing on his
>predecessor.
MIKE: [Riker] And if you're not careful, he'll do you the same "favor".
> He felt that this gave him the responsibility to insure
>orderly succession. He has made it his life's work to make sure his
>arrival has had as little impact as possible.
TOM: He kinda blew that goal on day 1, huh?
CROW: It was all a stone skipping contest gone horribly wrong.
> It is that dedication to the
>spirit of the Prime Directive that deserves not to be punished, but
>rewarded."
>
MIKE: Of course, he's forgetting the fact that he killed off the old king
and all of his court.
CROW: He had no choice, Mike. They wouldn't get out of his ship's way.
> Captain Richard York sat at his desk in the quarters he'd been
>assigned, gazing out the window. Before him was a couple sheets of
>parchment, a quill, and an ink jar.
MIKE: HE HAS - a fish, a screwdriver, an aspirin, a thing his aunt gave
him and he doesn't know what it is, and no tea.
> The first day of his trial had been
>draining, but he had hopes still. He picked up the quill and began to
>write.
>
TOM: "Dear Diary. So, what's new with you?"
>Dear Avery,
> As it's still my first day back in the stars,
CROW: From captain to king to "ET" Correspondent - his dream finally
come true!
> I have yet to receive
>your report. Our letters will probably pass each other's, most of the
>time.
TOM: [York] So don't make me come down there!
> Not much has changed up here, only the uniforms. It's still the
>same old Star Fleet, out exploring the galaxy.
MIKE: New life, new civilizations, boldly going, blah blah blah...
> I hope you're handling everything down there. I really left you a
>mess this time.
CROW: No kidding. Avery is definitely the Sarge to York's Beetle Bailey.
> I will return for at least your mother's burial,
TOM: [York] Just to make sure.
> and
>probably your wedding. Beyond that, it depends on the trial.
> So far the trial is going well.
TOM: Cogley hasn't even resorted to masking anyone's heartbeats yet.
> Commander Riker is making a very
>spirited defense of my case. I haven't really figured out Lieutenant
>Commander Data, who is prosecuting me.
CROW: Nobody can figure out Data - he's...
ALL: The wind, baby!
CROW: [pause] I'm using that too much, aren't I?
MIKE: A tad, perhaps.
> He seems quite unemotional.
TOM: And immediately, Lucas signs him to appear in "Star Wars III".
> I really didn't have the time to tell you just how proud I am of
>how you handled the situation of the past week.
MIKE: He doesn't have time in a letter?
CROW: He - types - very - verrrrrrrry - sloooooooooooooooooooooow...
> The whole kingdom could
>have easily fallen into civil war, but you managed to contain Lord Henry
>and then engineer his defeat.
TOM: Even better, the peer review committee accepted your draft proposal.
> I know you had help, in the form of Earl
>Cedric,
CROW: Shape of - Water!
> Duchess Desiree, Hayley, and your sister, but you were in charge,
>and both Cedric and Desiree have made that clear to me.
> Speaking of your sister,
MIKE: And by now, half the navy is.
> please try to keep her and Lord Treavor
>from intimacies, at least until that betrothal agreement is signed.
CROW: Better call Peter Graves, because that's Mission Impossible.
> And
>just in case, see if they'll consider making your wedding a double wedding.
TOM: [York] Marry two chicks, if you can. You're royalty, so you can get
away with it, y'know.
>I'm pretty sure it's going to be necessary.
> I'll write again tomorrow night.
>
MIKE: Don't threaten the boy! He needs encouragement.
>Sincerely,
>
>your father, Richard R II
>
TOM: *beedle-blorp*
CROW: [C3P0] Oh, do come along, Artoo!
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco. Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf
>
MIKE: Well, it is a proven fact that all writers die.
TOM: Yep, and statistics show that most violent criminals have written
something at least once.
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-06!sn-xit-04!supernews.com!newsfeed.news2me.com!
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CROW: SIGNED!
MIKE: SEALED!
TOM: DELIVERED!
>not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <ste...@trekiverse.org>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 14/18 (Marrissa Stories)
>Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office
CROW: "Virtual Staff"? Is that kind of like an imaginary friend for a
manager?
>Message-ID: <bk7sru8d2u9n0ci8v...@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572
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>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 20:38:25 PST
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:161581
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 14/18
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E
TOM: Appearing now in "Nemesis", a lucky even-numbered film...
MIKE: Well, until it got beat out on opening weekend by a Jennifer Lopez
romantic comedy.
[Pause]
TOM: I thought we agreed not to speak of that ever again.
MIKE: Oops. Sorry.
> investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
CROW: Commander Adama invades Liechtenstein.
>Chapter Thirteen:
>Debates of Fate
>
TOM: The League of Wrasslin', Nightie-Clad Women Voters presents Torgo
vs. The Master!
MIKE: [Torgo] ThE mAsTeR wAnTs YoUr VoTeS, bUt He CaNnOt HaVe ThEm!
> The throne room was silent as Prince Avery stood at the door.
CROW: Then he switched on the "Applause" sign.
>It was a grim task he was handling today.
MIKE: It was his turn to change Michael Jackson's nose putty.
> Hayley was at side, her hand held
>gently by his own.
CROW: That's nice, but what about the rest of her?
> His sister stood behind them, for once actually in
>a dress,
MIKE: Well, technically it was a kilt, but at least it was a step in the
right direction.
> though not with out her favorite sword, a gift of Duke Nolan upon
>her receiving her squire's rank.
CROW: [Brittany] Just like a man - can't remember your dress size, so
he buys you a sword!
> "All rise for His Royal Highness, Prince Avery, sitting in
>judgement for the crown," he heard as he stepped across the threshold.
MIKE: *sigh* Well, guys, he did it - it's the Kids' Court.
CROW: At this point, Mike, I can't even pretend to be shocked.
>He'd arranged for plenty of witnesses today, on Earl Cedric's advice.
CROW: That way, he has an alibi.
>He'd asked for a wide range of people, including one of the cooks from
>Avtra Keep,
TOM: [darkly] This better not be turning into another stinking food fight!
> the entire City Council, and the Earl of Avtra's Own.
CROW: And for no reason at all, the Flaming Lips.
> Avery was very nervous, especially as he saw Duke Nolan sitting
>next to Duchess Desiree and Earl Cedric. He passed them without comment
>though,
CROW: Oooh, the silent treatment.
> then took a seat on a chair that had been placed in front of the
>throne.
MIKE: He likes to sit really really really close to the screen.
> Brittany sat on his left, and Hayley on his right.
TOM: I'm Hillary Clinton, and you're sitting in my chair.
> "The crown sits in judgement!" the chamberlain announced. "Call
>for the first defendant!"
TOM: It's Brent Spiner, reprising his wacky role as Bob on "Night Court".
CROW: [grumbling] Might as well! Not like he's doing anything *else*
these days!
MIKE: Still bitter over how "Nemesis" ended?
CROW: Continually, Mike - continually!
> A gasp went through the nobles as the first defendant entered.
MIKE: I can't believe Winona went *back* to Saks!
> He
>was in shackles. From his tunic, it was clear that this man was a noble.
TOM: And a tacky one, at that.
>His bearing merely confirmed that, as he held his head high, and his
>shoulders squared.
CROW: Or he's just a peasant with excellent posture.
> Brittany stood, and read from a parchment she held. "Dale, Earl of
>Arlipor, you are charged with treason,
TOM: I thought he betrayed Dale.
> having rose up in arms against your
>lawful king, Richard, the second of that name. How do you plead?"
CROW: [Dale Gribble] I would first of all like to point out that I do not
recognize this court's authority on the account that my attorney is
not present and one has not been appointed to me. Second: can I use
your bathroom?
> The Earl of Arlipor remained silent.
MIKE: But violent.
> Avery stared at him, saying, "You can either say guilty, or not
>guilty.
CROW: Well, he *could* say pretty much anything he wanted to.
> If your yelling earlier in the day wore out your voice, you can nod
>for guilty, shake for not.
TOM: C'mon, boy, shake! Shake! That's it! Ooo's a good boy, ess oo is!
> Otherwise, we'll assume you're guilty and get
>on with the sentence."
MIKE: [Avery] Now, as you can see, we've diagrammed the subject and the
predicate like so...
> The Earl remained stiff and unmoving.
TOM: Pretty much like this whole story, in other words.
> "Let the record indicate that Earl Dale pleaded guilty by his
>silence," Avery said.
CROW: Mike, isn't this why America left England in the first place?
MIKE: One of many reasons.
> "The court has received letters in defense of the
>defendant from the Court Defender.
CROW: [Avery] These defenders are defending the defense of the defendant
to be defensively defendable.
> Does anyone have words to add in the
>defense of the accused?"
CROW: [bystander] He never missed a mortgage payment!
TOM: [bystander] He makes a heck of a tuna salad casserole!
MIKE: [bystander] He always had the best candy at Halloween!
> The room remained silent. The Earl remained standing stiffly.
CROW: I hear this guy had to practice all night to get his lines just right!
> "The court, having read the charges, and the defense presented, and
>receiving no further evidence in open court, is prepared to issue a
>decision," Avery said.
TOM: [Avery] So screw you, Jack Klugman and Henry Fonda!
> "I find you Guilty as charged.
MIKE: Of love in the first degree.
> Given the nature of
>the charges, I sentence you to death by beheading.
CROW: [Avery] Or, if you prefer, you can keep your head and we'll simply
remove your torso from the neck down.
> Furthermore, your
>titles will be stripped, and your lands returned to the Duchy of Castrome.
CROW: Ya know, Avery, maybe you should try the smaller punishments first!
You know, to kind of *build up* to the beheading.
>Your title will be given to the future husband of the Lady Leia.
ALL: HAN SOLO?!?
> From this
>day forward you will no longer be counted among the nobility of Ellosia."
MIKE: Because you'll be, y'know, all dead and stuff.
> The Earl did not move, but his face became very pale. Without his
>nobility the Earl would no longer be beheaded by the sword.
TOM: Oh - well see, there's *one* good thing about all this.
> Instead, an ax
>would take his head, which would no doubt be displayed around the kingdom.
MIKE: Wow, the Smithsonian traveling exhibit's getting desperate!
>Still, he remained silent as soldiers took him away.
CROW: Lord Marcel of Marceau, everyone.
> "Call for the next
>defendant!"
TOM: Please pick up on line 2. Next defendant, please pick up line 2.
> The next defendant was a stout man, wearing the arms of the
>Fasstime Army.
CROW: It was a meatball sandwich, a medium coke & some girl's phone number.
> Unlike the former Earl, this man stood slumped, his head
>bowed.
TOM: [moaning] Oooh, did I hit the hard stuff last night.
> "Sargent Garret, you stand here accused of murder of the Lord
>Dorian, Royal Tutor and former Chamberlain,
MIKE: And former guest star on "The Practice"...
> as well as participating in a
>treasonous rebellion against His Majesty, King Richard the Second of the
>name," Princess Brittany said. "How do you plead?"
CROW: [Garrett] Uh, like this - PLEEEEEEEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!
OHPLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE!!
> "I was just following orders," Garret replied firmly.
TOM: Nein! Nein! Zie sprechen der falsen!
> "Record the Sargent's plea as Guilty with provisions," Avery said.
MIKE: "Provisions"?
CROW: Maybe he gets to carry a backpack full of canned meats and smokes
to the chopping block with him.
>"Does the defendant have anything to add to his defense?"
ALL: DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!
> "Defense? You've misdirected your charges," Garret replied. "I
>was merely the instrument Lord Henry used this time.
TOM: [Garret] Look! See these strings? I was his banjo!
> He's been like this
>since before King Richard took the throne. He killed Prince Ferrel, and
>blamed it on Duke Nolan when he was just sixteen.
MIKE: Wow, and I thought my brother was bad for knocking down mailboxes and
blaming it on me.
> Drake, Earl of Avtra was
>his victim too. He used to boast on how he got away with it.
CROW: Or he would have if not for those meddling kids and their dog!
> No one would
>ever expect the head of Fasstime's Customs Service to smuggle in a deadly
>poison like the scarlet death."
TOM: [Garret] Which I wasn't suppose to tell you... damn!
> Avery turned briefly to Hayley, and whispered, "remind me to have
>Lord Harlen compile a list of people who died by the scarlet death."
MIKE: [Avery] And sort them by zip code. We can market funeral services
big time!
> "He conspired with the Earl of Arlipor, the Baron of Greenstone
>Keep, and Lord Oswald, to take your father's place, and you're persecuting
>me?"
CROW: [Avery] Yes I am.
MIKE: [Garret] Alright, thanks for clearing that up.
> "Rest assured that Lord Henry will be on trial as soon as we find
>him, if we can get him here alive," Avery said. "Are you willing to
>provide evidence against Lord Henry and others?"
TOM: Who was the man with the umbrella in Dealey Plaza?! Where was Woody
Harrelson's father!? What's Castro's phone number?!?
> "Evidence ... I'll give you chapter and verse if it helps my case."
CROW: [Garret] I'll manufacture it if I have - uh, what I mean is, yes.
> "Your sentence will remain,
MIKE: [Garret] You haven't sentenced me yet.
TOM: It's a double-secret sentence. Now hush.
> the method of carrying it out, however,
>might be changed, and it will be delayed as long as you are useful and
>truthful," Avery said.
MIKE: Once he's spilled his guts, though, he's dog meat.
TOM: "Useful"? Since when did Avery start turning into a Bond villain?
> "Guards, please take Sargent Garret back down.
>We'll resume his case later. Brittany, next case."
CROW: This guy is the Dr. Phil of medieval trial judging.
> "Bring in, Lord Virgil of Arlipor," Brittany said, before a young
>boy no older than ten was brought in.
TOM: *snicker* Obviously a hardened criminal.
MIKE: Being named "Virgil" drove him to a life of reckless candy store
robberies.
> Unlike the previous prisoners, he
>was not restrained in any matter. "Lord Vigil stands accused of
>participating in the capture of the Odyssey and assisting his father in the
>furtherance of the conspiracy."
TOM: Dad bought him a Playskool "My First Conspiracy" kit.
> "Lord Vigil," Avery said. "You stand accused of serious crimes
>today, however, you are young, and as such we do not hold you accountable
>for much of them.
TOM: Because, as a child, you have no control of your own actions and are
incapable of free thought. It's probably all because of those
Moral Combat and Resident of Evil Creek games you play.
> I am not even asking for a plea from you,
CROW: [Avery] Although if you want to, you can go right ahead.
> as you are an
>innocent who has not yet reached his eleventh year."
TOM: So he's ten, then?
CROW: That's one theory, yes.
> "Thank you, your highness," Virgil said politely, with a bow.
> "You are welcome, young lord," Avery said. "You may note that we
>have stripped your father of his rank and station.
MIKE: [Avery] We did it off screen, though. S&P already wants our scalps.
> We do not propose to do
>so with you, though you will likely never have your father's earldom, save
>if you marry into the family.
CROW: So to get his title back, he has to - what, marry his cousin?
TOM: Aaah, for royalty, that's no big deal.
> That post needs to lay fallow. As you are
>not of age, the crown and your duchess will take it upon ourselves to see
>to your remaining education.
MIKE: [Avery] The Allies won World War II. Well, that's done!
TOM: The kid's best shot at this point is a football scholarship to good
ol' Castrome U.
> If you will swear loyalty to the crown and
>your Duchess."
CROW: [Avery] If not, it's choppy choppy! Uh, Mike, could you do the
slitting motion across your throat? My arms don't work?
[Mike does so]
CROW: Thanks.
> Virgil prostrated himself before the throne and said, "I swear I
>will never betray my King or my Duchess."
MIKE: [Virgil] At least until something better pops up.
> "Lord Treavor of Armedge, step forward," Lady Hayley ordered.
TOM: It's the return of Captain Roman Polansky.
> The
>Captain and second son of the Duke of Armedge approached and bowed to the
>Prince and Princess. "In this matter I speak for the Duchess of Castrome.
CROW: And he does it while drinking this glass of water.
>Are you willing to accept our vassal, Lord Treavor of Armedge as your page,
>and future squire?"
MIKE: Or maybe even as the Secret Squire?
TOM: I'll take Earl George of Gobel to block.
> "I will gladly accept your charge, Lady Hayley," Treavor said.
CROW: [Treavor] For I have brought my 220 volt adapter!
> "Lord Virgil, since you are the first page to be called to serve
>Lord Treavor, Princess Brittany will see to your outfitting as her final
>duty as Duke Nolan's squire," Avery said.
TOM: [Virgil] Aw, man, I *hate* shopping for school clothes!
> After a minute's pause, Avery stood and announced, "Court is
>adjourned."
MIKE: Fifty dollars and...
ALL: TIME SERVED!
> To little fan fare,
CROW: But an absolute glut of fan fiction.
> the three exited, Lord Treavor and Lord
>Vigil following in their wake.
>
>
TOM: It's the hippest, deffest new X-Game - Peer-Skiing!
> Jean-Luc Picard led his fellow starship captains to a nearby
>lounge, already stocked with refreshments.
MIKE: Meaning he's charging 20 bars of latinum for a Butterfinger from
the minifridge.
> They had sat through three days
>of testimony and evidence.
TOM: Which are nothing compared to the O.J. trial.
> All the reports of the Enterprise's
>investigation had been read, and their authors cross examined.
MIKE: And now... Crossfire, Star Trek style.
> Several of
>Captain York's surviving officers had been brought on board briefly for
>testimony as well. Testimony was over.
CROW: Now it's time to kick back and pop a few brewskis!
> "Captain Yoshida, what is your impression of Captain York?" Picard
>asked.
TOM: [Yoshida] Awful, but I do a pretty good Christopher Walken.
> Yuki Yoshida was the Captain with the least seniority on the board,
>having received his Captaincy only four months before.
MIKE: At this point, he's willing to give it back if Picard will just
stop yammering at him.
> He was of Japanese
>descent,
TOM: [snicker]
CROW: For those of you who may have missed the subtle clue of his name.
> with dark black eyes and hair.
MIKE: Black eyes? Did someone pull the binocular trick on him or does he
just get into a lot of fights?
> He sat on the edge of the white
>cloth covered chair, seeming ready to bolt from the room at any moment.
MIKE: I know how he feels.
TOM: The second anyone even mentions the prime directive, he's outta there.
> "He's a good leader in a bad situation," Yoshida said.
MIKE: [Yoshida] Or maybe he's Bad Andy with Good Pizza. I dunno.
> "Just the
>fact that he's ruling a small country look bad. But he didn't really take
>it to extremes.
TOM: He only dropped a *small* starship on them.
> With the forces he has at his command, he could quite
>easily have taken over a good portion of this planet instead of just ruling
>an island nation. In my opinion he upheld the Prime Directive to the best
>of anyone's abilities."
CROW: [Yoshida] It's also my opinion that Saddam Hussein is just a little
grumpy. And that guppies are eating my toes.
> "I must disagree, Captain Yoshida," Captain T'Gwen Washington said.
> Washington was half Vulcan.
TOM: But all woman!
CROW: Oh, baby!
> To many this meant she was a female
>clone of Captain Spock. Washington wasn't.
TOM: What would a transgendered Leonard Nimoy look like?
MIKE: All I can think of is Janet Reno with pointed ears.
ALL: Ewwww!
> Her mother had been the
>Vulcan, and she had grown up on Earth. In fact her own mother had grown up
>on Earth.
MIKE: In fact, no one in her family was even *from* Vulcan.
CROW: Gwennie might be T'Pol's great-great-great-great-granddaughter.
TOM: Her skintight catsuit's been handed down from generation to generation.
> Still, logic and rules were almost a racial characteristic for
>the modern Vulcan, and like most half-Vulcans of her age, they were dear to
>her.
MIKE: And not just that it's easier to caricature than to characterize.
BOTS: Oh, no, of course not, no no, etc.
> "Please, explain," Picard asked.
> "The Prime Directive clearly forbids any interference with any
>primitive culture," Washington said, sitting stiffly in the most stiff and
>least padded chair in the room.
CROW: She was also wearing shoes with no arch support and flossing with
barbed wire.
TOM: Because it's logical to be as uncomfortable as possible.
> "As King, I do not see how you can state
>that he did not interfere with that culture. From the moment he took that
>post, he was in violation."
> "I say it's because he took that post that he's not," Yoshida said.
MIKE: And I say because he picked those apples he's a pear thief!
[pause]
CROW: What the Sam Hill does *that* mean, Nelson?
MIKE: Um, I was just trying to be, um, evocative.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: You know, an - an analogy? Trying to - be - analogous?
CROW: Well don't try, okay? Just - just don't.
MIKE: [dejected] Sorry.
> "I fail to see how that could be."
TOM: No! Don't ask him to explain!
CROW: Yeah, because then he will!
> "Let's look at the facts," Yoshida said. "The Odyssey had crashed.
>It wasn't going anywhere,
ALL: [monotone] Like this story.
> and the ship couldn't be taken apart or
>destroyed.
CROW: Well, it *could* have. They were just short on metric crescent
wrenches.
> It had landed on the previous King and the entire Royal Family.
>If he hadn't taken over, his actions most likely would have resulted in
>civil war in the country. If he hadn't defended and remained around his
>former ship, it would have been taken over ..."
TOM: And if he hadn't crashed in the first place, none of it would matter.
> "Which I understand it was for a brief while just before Captain
>York was brought in," Washington said.
MIKE: Boy, picky-picky.
CROW: There's just no pleasing some Half-Vulcans.
> "It was, but they had almost twenty years to strip the ship of her
>higher technology.
CROW: All the coffee makers have been sold for spare parts
> They've done an admirable job of getting the ship
>stripped down,
[Tom does stripper music]
> and that's something that has taken many years, especially
>given how hard it is to dispose of it.
CROW: If they'd crashed in downtown LA, it woulda been stripped before they
could get the hatch open.
> I'm not sure it's even possible to
>get rid of the ship herself without causing an even greater interference."
> "So you admit that he interfered with the culture," Washington said.
> "In a small, limited manner
TOM: He only wiped out a *few* royal bloodlines.
> that did not make any lasting changes
>in the culture above that which a normal enlightened king of the era would
>have, T'Gwen," Yoshida said.
CROW: Mass destruction and megalomania? Never mind that, he founded the
Ellosian chapter of Ducks Unlimited!
> "Enlightened King?" Washington said. "Let me review for you what
>the other Kings on this planet have been doing.
TOM: All this and more on "Ellosia Tonight"! But first, a word from Dodge.
> The current King of Rogia
>killed three Earls by beheading with a dull knife.
CROW: Is that cruel, or just stupid?
MIKE: Why can't it be both?
> The Arch Duke of
>Grimall once killed seven lords in single combat.
CROW: And in mixed doubles with Gabriella Sabatini, they took out 28.
> These people are not
>ready for kindness and compassion."
TOM: They're not even o/` ready for some fooootbaaaaaall! o/`
> "Perhaps they are, and have gotten," Captain Picard interrupted.
>"Dinath's Queen, for instance acts very much like Captain York.
MIKE: [Picard] She's starting out small by dropping gliders on people,
but give her time.
> She deals
>rather than battles, and runs a quite fair court."
> "Perhaps," Washington said. "There is still the matter of the
>ship."
TOM: It's set aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle.
> "The ship is a problem, but not one that Captain York could solve,"
>Yoshida said. "It's actually more of a long term problem than one of
>immediate nature.
CROW: Within moments, a Senate committee is formed to study it.
> As far as the current technology level of this world is
>concerned, they don't know how to construct anything remotely like it, and
>are centuries from being able to figure it out.
TOM: It's like the question of Wil Wheaton's career.
> As long as we get rid of
>some of the hardware that remains that Captain York couldn't,
MIKE: [Tim Allen] Like the Binford 4400 Power Saw! Arh arh arh!
> it won't be a
>factor in technological advances for quite some time."
> "Perhaps you are discounting the inspiration factor of such a
>structure," Washington said.
CROW: [eerie whisper] Wooorship the staaarship! Wooorship the staaarship!
> "It is the single largest structure on the
>planet."
> "Yes, and it no doubt will attract as many visitors some day as the
>Pyramids on Earth," Yoshida said.
TOM: Otherwise known as the U.S.S. Tomb of Ramses II.
> "The mystery of it's construction may
>take millennia to figure out.
MIKE: It's that sturdy vinyl siding that lasts for years!
> It will grow to be like the Pyramids, the
>Great Underwater Palace of Risa, and the Hall of Ancient Thought on Vulcan.
CROW: Trent Lott is from Vulcan?
>Important architectural mysteries of their time, but hardly a source of
>cultural advancement."
TOM: So the conspiracy theory wacko X-Files fans are right and the
pyramids *are* from aliens?
> "As long as we strip it throughly, we should have no problems with
>it's presence," Picard said.
MIKE: [Picard] So it's agreed: they keep the hull, we get the comfy sofas
and the booze.
> "Indeed, it's removal would cause more of a
>legend to grow up among the people of Ellosia than it's continued presence,
TOM: I hate to mention "it"...
CROW: Then don't.
TOM: But - he's doing the whole "it's"/"its" thing just to mess with my mind!
I know he is!
MIKE: Steady on, Tom. I'm sure its okay.
CROW: Yeah, give the story it's due.
[pause]
TOM: I hate you both.
>in my judgement. Captain Washington, how do you see the case?"
CROW: With maddening tunnel vision, apparently.
> "I find every violation of the Prime Directive to be a problem,
>however, that is not what we're here to decide," Washington said. "The
>question is did he have a choice in it. And to that question, I must
>regretfully say that he did not."
TOM: [Washington] Too bad. I haven't keelhauled anyone in months.
> "I agree with that," Picard said. "Captain Yoshida?" Yoshida
>nodded. "Then we will have to render a verdict of not guilty."
>
MIKE: [Picard] Otherwise, the author will make our lives hell.
> Marrissa sat in the center seat of the Enterprise-E. With her
>father, Riker, and Data involved in the trial, and La Forge still on the
>planet below, day-to-day command had fallen to her.
TOM: And by "fallen", he means "snatched hungrily".
> It was the first time
>she'd had to deal with the banalities and nuisances of command.
CROW: So she got bored and spaced the whole crew in their skivvies!
> Before
>she'd only gotten command briefly,
TOM: Which was like giving a tiger shark *one* sardine.
> and when she had command for a longer
>period, like during the Naklab Negotiation, Jay had handled day-to-day as
>her number one.
MIKE: Hey, where *is* the Future Mister Poster-Boy-For-Whipped-Hubbies?
CROW: If he's smart, he skipped town and joined the cast of "Charmed".
TOM: Yeah, but this is Jay we're talking about.
CROW: Oh. Well, he's probably chained up in Marrissa's rumpus room.
> For the past three days, she'd had to learn to prioritize
MIKE: [Marrissa] I can't worry about the Dominion invasion - there's a
printer out of toner on Deck 10!
>and what truly needed someone else's attention.
CROW: [Marrissa] Let's see... Clara, you feed all the tigers in the zoo,
take the hose and spray the flesh-eating space crabs off the hull,
settle the riot with the flamethrower manufacturers' union, and taste
test some blowfish. If you need me, I'll be on flower sniffing duty.
> Her eye caught an entry. Lieutenant Calgary hadn't returned from
>Ellosia yet.
ALL: D'OH!!!!!
CROW: Good thing she's LEARNED TO PRIORITIZE!
> How had she forgotten about him.
TOM: She'd dumped him for the Prince, then went into a snit when he
wouldn't leave Lady Goodbody.
CROW: Heck, even Picard forgot about Toronto.
MIKE: Picard was in the middle of a Prime Directive Trial! He'd forget
*Beverly* for that!
> Marrissa stood quickly.
CROW: [Marrissa] Whoa, vertigo.
>This was a job she'd have to handle personally.
MIKE: [Marrissa] This time, it's *personal*!
> She was the only one that
>had contacts where they were needed for this.
TOM: She'd get Big Joey's boys to take care of this Regina problem.
*Permanently!*
CROW: Calgary.
TOM: Whatever.
> "Computer, list senior
>officers available for command for the remainder of the day. Include only
>those qualified to be considered for day to day command."
ALL: And NO TROI!!!
> "Commander Beverly Picard, Lieutenant Savol, Lieutenant Luke ..."
TOM: Luke Perry?
MIKE: Luke Skywalker?
CROW: Luke Duke?
> "Stop.
CROW: Collaborate and listen!
> Marrissa to Admiral Picard."
> "Picard here."
> "Sorry to interrupt your deliberations, Dad,
MIKE: [Picard] Don't call me that on duty.
> but I'm going to have
>to hand off command for the remainder of the day to the Doctor."
CROW: [Doctor] Hello all! Just passing through! Would anyone like a
jelly baby?
> "You didn't interrupt, Marrissa," Jean-Luc's voice echoed. "We're
>just about to render our decision.
TOM: It's linguine with clam sauce tonight.
> What is so important that you have to
>leave the ship?"
MIKE: [Marrissa] I forgot to pick up some souvenirs. Who knows when we'll
be here again?
> "We forgot about Lieutenant Calgary," Marrissa explained, as she
>pulled up some duty rosters on her PADD.
TOM: Last time I saw him, he was in Alberta.
> "He was last seen right as Lord
>Henry's prisoner. He wasn't with those that they released from the
>Fasstime Ducal Residence."
> "Okay, call the Doctor to take command," Jean-Luc said.
MIKE: In fact, having Marrissa in the big chair proves you can give command
to anyone at all.
CROW: Well, except Deanna.
> "I'll send
>Clara and Shayna to meet you in transporter room five.
CROW: [Picard] Because having adults along would just bore you and cramp
your style.
TOM: [Marrissa] Yay! I finally got dad trained!
> You've got four
>hours until sunset. If you haven't found him by then,
MIKE: [Picard] ...then too bad for you! Bye now!
> I'll send Commander
>Riker down to help."
TOM: Oh, now he's making with the threats!
> "Aye sir. Marrissa out."
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>
>"To hell with crack,
TOM: Percodan.
> heroin,
CROW: Airplane glue.
> whiskey,
MIKE: Peppermint Schnapps.
> tobacco.
TOM: Red Man chaw.
> Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf
>
CROW: Wow guys! At this point, I'm glued to my seat!
TOM: Really?
CROW: Yeah, some jerk put gum in my chair.
MIKE: Try a little club soda.
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-06!sn-xit-08!supernews.com!nntp2.aus1.giganews.com!
>nntp.giganews.com!ord2-feed1.news.algx.net!dfw3-feed1.news.algx.net!
>allegiance!
MIKE: I pledge allegiance to Marrissa, and to the Federation for which
she conquers.
> newsfeed.news2me.com!newsfeed2.earthlink.net!
>newsfeed.earthlink.net!stamper.news.pas.earthlink.net!
>newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net.POSTED!not-for-mail
>From: Stephen Ratliff <ste...@trekiverse.org>
CROW: You know, Steve's actually quite brave to keep putting his e-mail
address on these.
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 15/18 (Marrissa Stories)
>Organization: Alt.StarTrek.Creative Virtual Staff Office
>Message-ID: <7n7sruk2o3h51kurv...@4ax.com>
>X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.92/32.572
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>Date: Tue, 29 Oct 2002 04:39:43 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 63.188.161.23
>X-Complaints-To: ab...@earthlink.net
CROW: [Python] I'm sorry, this is abuse. Complaints are down the hall.
>X-Trace: newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net 1035866383 63.188.161.23
>(Mon, 28 Oct 2002 20:39:43 PST)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 28 Oct 2002 20:39:43 PST
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative:161583
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 15/18
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The crew of Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a
>starship Captain crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
>Chapter Fourteen:
>The Cup of Salvation
>
MIKE: It's going to be the cup of a carpenter.
TOM: Karen?
MIKE: What?
> Lieutenant Calgary stared up at the ceiling from where he had been
>moved.
MIKE: He was still trying to figure out how the stain had got way up there.
> He was tied up in the loft of the Sanctuary of the Cloister of the
>Overflowing Cup. Not that they really needed to tie him up.
TOM: But he enjoyed it so much.
> After three
>days on the rack his arms and legs were all out of joint.
MIKE: Out of joint? Calgary's gonna be lucky if he can ever lift a
tricorder again!
> He had never in
>his life lived with so much pain.
CROW: Except for the time he sat through "Pluto Nash".
> His voice was long gone from screaming,
>leaving his pain to only be expressed though silent sobs and pain-filled
>grimaces.
MIKE: Well, now he's at least as good an actor as Keanu Reeves.
> He'd been moved here three days ago. It was a quite place, and he
>was pretty much left alone to his pain, being hand fed by a nun three times
>a day.
>
CROW: Sister Mary De Sade.
> Marrissa had left her communicator on her sailor's outfit when she
>left the Stargazer. It was a mistake.
TOM: Chalk it up to a lazy animator and a director who wasn't paying much
attention to continuity.
> She was fortunate that she was only
>in the presence of those that knew her position, Avery, Harlan, and
>Brittany when it went off. She excused herself promptly, and answered the
>call.
MIKE: [Marrissa] For the last time, I'm *not* switching my communicator
service to Sprint!!
> "Marrissa to Enterprise."
> "Enterprise, this is Commander Picard," Beverly said. "We've
>located Lieutenant Calgary."
CROW: They disarmed him and he got his nose out of joint, but they were
just pulling his leg.
> "Where is he?" Marrissa asked.
> "The Cloister of the Overflowing Cup," Beverly replied. "His
>lifesigns indicate a major injury of some sort."
MIKE: [Beverly] We won't tell you what kind. Try to guess which one! I
think you'll be pleasantly surprised!
> "Thank you, Doctor," Marrissa said. "I'll be trying to rescue him
>shortly. Marrissa out."
> "The Cloister," Harlan commented from behind Marrissa. "I don't
>believe we've checked that yet."
TOM: [Harlan] The nuns just don't respond to my SupaPlaya moves.
> Marrissa jumped at the sound of Harlan's deep voice.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Aaah, the Ghost of Orson Welles!
> "Don't scare
>me like that," she said,
TOM: [Harlan] Well how *should* I scare you, then?
> turning to discover that she hadn't quite gotten
>away from the Royals and their advisor.
CROW: She started her pitching career in Kansas City.
> "You weren't supposed to overhear my communication," Marrissa
>stated.
> "Don't worry, Marrissa, we won't tell," Brittany said.
MIKE: [Brittany] As long as you give me your lunch money and do all my
math homework tonight!
> "Yes. Care to join us on our assault on the Cloister?" Avery said.
CROW: [Avery] Those nuns always *were* on thin ice with me. Now it's
payback time!
>"I'm tired of sitting around listening to people plead for their lives."
CROW: He doesn't know Marrissa very well, does he?
TOM: She's got the "People Pleading for their Lives" station programmed
first on her XM radio.
> "It's better than signing forms on the Enterprise," Marrissa said.
>
MIKE: Death before Carpal Tunnel Syndrome!
> Captain Richard York could practically hear Chopin's Funeral March
>as he entered the courtroom.
TOM: [whispering] I hear dead people's music!
> He rose as the young officer who had been
>serving as bailiff announced, "All rise for the honorable Captains Picard,
>Washington, and Yoshida."
MIKE: [Picard] Hey! I'm a frigging *Admiral* now, you little punk!
> As they entered, Richard examined each of them.
TOM: [York] Turn your head and cough. Turn your head and cough. Turn
your - oops! Sorry, Gwen.
> Captain Yoshida
>appeared to be smiling... he wasn't sure if that was a good thing.
CROW: They say he always smiles just before he disembowels his victims.
> Both
>Captains Picard and Washington had a studied neutral expression. "Please
>be seated," Picard said, as he sat behind the bench.
TOM: They've got him on the 30-day disabled list.
> "Captain Richard York, commanding officer of the USS Odyssey, this
>court-martial stands ready to render its decision," Picard said. "Do you
>have any words before we do so?"
MIKE: [York] Several, actually, but since this thing's already teetering on
the verge of NC-17ness, let's just skip 'em for now.
> Richard shook his head.
> "Very well. The court finds that though you did violate the letter
>of the law,
TOM: The law is bought to you today by the letters "S" and "R", and by the
number "18".
> you did so only because there was no other choice. We find
>that despite trying circumstances, you did maintain the sprit of the Prime
>Directive to the best of your ability.
CROW: [scoff] If he'd tried any harder to uphold the prime directive, he'd
be running the whole farging planet!
> Therefore, it is the decision of
>this court that you are not guilty of the charges filed against you."
MIKE: [Picard] And we also name you the Amway Salesman of the Year!
TOM: Soon, starship captains all over were plowing their ships into
yahoo backwater planets and seizing their crowns.
> Captain York released a deep breath that he had not been aware of
>holding.
TOM: [York] *gaaaaaaaaaaaaah* Gotta remember to exhale more often!
> "Thank you, Captains," he said.
CROW: So that's it? He's just going to let him off like that? Not even
suspension or anything like that?
MIKE: They were gonna give him 60 days' desk duty, but figured it would
just be superfluous.
> "There is no need," Picard said. "Court is adjourned. Captain
>York, I will meet you tomorrow morning so we may talk about your future
>assignments."
>
MIKE: [Picard] Seems the Iotians aren't coming through with their regular
"piece of the action". Go drop a ship on Vic Tayback.
TOM: You know, given how lax Starfleet is on the whole obeying the Prime
Directive thing, it's a wonder they don't just do away with it
altogether.
> Calgary laid back in pain. It had taken all of his will power to
>activate his beacon.
TOM: So why didn't he do that earlier?
CROW: He had his hands full at the time... oops, sorry.
> Now he had to hope and wait. Drifting up from the
>Sanctuary below, he could hear the words of Communion, bread and wine.
>"Receive the Body of Christ" "Amen." "Receive the Cup of Salvation."
>"Amen." It echoed throughout the loft, over and over again, some how
>comforting him.
TOM: Okay, one more time, does someone wanna explain to me how this is
occurring in a COMPLETELY ALIEN CULTURE?!?
MIKE: I think it has something to do with the Preserver guys they were
talking about earlier.
TOM: So one line of explanation is all we get out of a tax-code sized
story? Thanks for clearing this all up, Stevie!
> Suddenly the Mass was interrupted by the sounds of the heavy wooden
>door from the narthex being thrown open.
CROW: Action Pope! In color!
> It was followed by the sound of
>armed men, entering the room.
>
ALL: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup.
> Marrissa and Avery were at the lead of the two score sized force
>that Avery had rounded up, as the Prince threw open the door to the
>Sanctuary. Apparently they'd arrived late for Evening Mass.
MIKE: [Avery] Phooey! We missed the Eucharistic prayer! If you come this
late, there's no point coming at all. Pack it up boys, we're gonna
have to catch Last Chance Mass at the Newman Center.
> The Presiding Priest looked up from where he was distributing
>communion. Handing the eucharistic bread to his novice altar server he
>proceeded down the aisle, his voice booming.
CROW: It's Monsignor James Earl Jones.
> "How dare you violate this
>holy sanctuary with your drawn swords."
> Marrissa sheaved her sword,
CROW: In the bale of hay she carried for just such an occasion.
TOM: Boy, talk about finding a needle in a haystack.
> and kneeled, doing the sign of the
>cross, while her male companions stood there, swords still drawn.
MIKE: You'd think that at some point someone would have pointed out that
what they were planning to break into was a CHURCH!!!
> "I beg
>your pardon, holy father, but I seek one of my fellow sailors
CROW: Little guy, big forearms, smells like moldy spinach...
> of whom I've
>received word that he has received succor for his injuries within these
>walls."
TOM: At the mention of "within the walls", Father Montresor gave her a
very strange look.
> "We have such a sailor, who has been treated quite badly by some
>unwanted guests within this sanctuary," the priest said. "Sister Catherine
>can take you to him.
CROW: Hey, it's Sister Mary Fish Eye No Miko.
TOM: Formerly known as Sister Mary TCurryfan.
MIKE: You two just can't stop picking at that fourth wall, can you?
> And what brings you to the Cloister, Prince?"
CROW: [Avery] A rinnebeast, your holiness.
> "Monsignor, I heard of your unwanted guests and thought to protect
>my friend here, and offer my assistance in ridding your holy ground of
>them," Avery said, sheaving his own sword.
TOM: [Priest] Well, thanks all the same, but Max Von Sydow is on his way
over and he should be able to handle it.
> "I assume that the condemned
>former Lord Henry of Fasstime is here, and has not sought formal
>sanctuary?"
MIKE: Friday is "Casual Sanctuary Day" at the cathedral.
> "He is, and has not. In fact he holds the Patriarch hostage in our
>contemplation tower."
CROW: Which kind of begs the question why he hasn't just gone back home.
MIKE: Well, why run back to your protected castle or ask a holy man for
sanctuary when you can just take a bunch of hostages?
> "We've got to get him out of there," Avery said. "It's way too
>defensible. "
> At that the soliders parted
CROW: Becoming liquider.
> to reveal a nearly breathless Princess
>Brittany. She was dressed in her squire's outfit,
TOM: The outfit with the huge snake was just way too cumbersome.
> as was her recent
>custom. "Finally caught up with us Brit?"
> "I couldn't find my rinnebeast," Brittany said.
MIKE: [Avery] Locked your keys in the lizard again, huh?
TOM: [Brittany] Shut up!
> "What's this about
>Lord Henry being holed up here?"
CROW: [Avery] He's holed up in the tower.
TOM: [Brit] Oh. Not quite as complex as I thought.
> "He's in the contemplation tower with the patriarch," Avery said.
MIKE: Contemplation tower?
CROW: Yeah, it makes them contemplate why they needed a tower to begin with.
>"I'm thinking of challenging him to single combat."
CROW: One game of Uno, winner take all!
> "No, Avery, you can't," Brittany said. "You're too important to do
>it. He could kill you."
TOM: [Brittany] And that would leave me the heir appar- hey, wait! No,
just go ahead and challenge. Here, use my lucky Wiffle Sword.
> "I've learnt a few tips since you left for Arm," Avery said. "Who
>should we have deliver the challenge?"
MIKE: Ellosian Express! For when you absolutely, positively have to kill
a traitorous noble overnight!
> "I will," Brittany said.
> "You can't," Avery said. "You're too valuable."
CROW: [Avery] There has to be someone here who isn't valuable.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Hey, why are you all looking at me?!
> "In my guise as Squire Brett, he'll never know it was me," Brittany
>said.
> "No, Brittany," Avery said. "He might take whoever we send as an
>additional hostage. The Patriarch is enough.
TOM: He doesn't *deserve* another hostage!
> You were one of his
>objectives. He wanted to marry you in order to secure his succession to
>the throne after he killed Father and I."
CROW: [Brit] Oh, how sweet of Snookums. I mean, how dare he! The scoundrel!
> "All the more reason why you shouldn't be fighting him," Brittany
>said.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Um... guys, you *are* aware you just blurted out Brittany's
secret identity to everyone in this church?
CROW: Meanwhile, as these two bicker and whine, Marrissa slips up the stairs
and quietly eviscerates the guy.
> "It's the only way we'll be able to get the Patriarch out safely,"
>Avery said.
MIKE: Ben Cartwright *must* be rescued!
> "Captain, find me a squire or page to deliver my challenge.
TOM: [Avery] Preferably someone not too valuable.
>We'll give him free passage if he gets me to yield. Brittany, we need to
>talk alone."
>
CROW: [Brittany] No way!
MIKE: [Avery] Look, just go out with him once, see if you like him.
> Captain Richard York's boat drew up aside the Royal dock. He'd
>missed the salt tang of the seaside air. Quickly he climbed up the side,
>taking a big breath of it
CROW: And retching loudly as the odor of rotting fish hit his gut.
> as he reached the top. His Chief of Intelligence
>met him.
> "Good afternoon, Lord Harlan," Richard said, putting his hand on
>his back.
TOM: Boy, the queen's not dead a week and he's already getting fresh.
> "Good afternoon, your majesty," Harlan replied. "May I assume that
>you were acquitted?"
CROW: Remember, if you assume he's acquitted you make an ass of u and
acquitted.
> "You may, Harlan," Richard said. "Admiral Picard will be down
>tomorrow to discuss further assignments and situations. Meanwhile,
MIKE: [announcer] ...back at the Batcave, Batman had just hit upon a
vital clue.
CROW: [Batman] Robin! Who do we know that could train a pigeon to poop
on the Batmobile at will?
>where are my children?"
TOM: [Bela] Come to me, my children! Ah-hah-hah-hah!
> "They left to confront Lord Henry with a company of the Palace
>guard about thirty minutes ago," Harlan said. "Lieutenant Picard had
>reason to believe that Lord Henry was at the Cloister of the Overflowing
>Cup.
TOM: They're bringing in Pamela Anderson for questioning.
> Or rather, one of the Enterprise's officers was, and had been
>captured by Lord Henry."
MIKE: [King] *sigh* They let New Brunswick wander off again, huh?
> "Have my rinnebeast waiting at the stables," Richard said. "I have
>to make sure that Avery isn't doing something foolish."
CROW: [Harlan] Uh, sire, this *is* Avery we're talking about.
MIKE: [King] Right, right. Have the police, fire department, hospital,
and morgue put on full red alert.
> "Why would he be doing something foolish," Harlan said.
CROW: He's with Marrissa, ain't he?
> "Avery wrote that he wanted to kill Lord Henry personally a couple
>days ago," Richard said,
TOM: [King] I told him, *I* wanted to do it! Durn kids!
> beginning to rush down toward the stables, only
>slightly slower than the page that had rushed off to have the King's
>rinnebeast saddled.
>
CROW: [Page] Too slow, old man! Woooo!
> Lord Henry sauntered out into the courtyard, the Patriarch being
>dragged before him with a knife at his neck.
TOM: Oh please! Knife necklaces are so over - he should have a brass
knuckle choker!
> He wore a thick leather
>doublet dyed the pale blue and green of his house. His head was covered
>with a contoured to his head metal helmet.
MIKE: Just a typical day at the Osbourne household.
> Prince Avery was already there, waiting. He had the advantage in
>armor, but only because his helmet was peaked.
CROW: And after that last night with Hayley, he -
MIKE: You're just actively trying to get us all to get in trouble now,
aren't you?
CROW: Oh, like that's wrong or something?! Boy, Mike, you can be so
judgmental! Sheesh!
> His doublet was a deep
>blue, with a slight tint towards purple in the light. Avery had already
>drawn his sword,
TOM: And been accepted at the New Jersey Art Institute.
> which flashed along it's silver colored length as Avery's
>hand twitched nervously.
> At Avery's side was his sister, functioning as her brother's
>squire, in her disguised form.
MIKE: When she put on those glasses and combed up her spitcurl, no one
suspected mild-mannered Squire Kent was actually SUPERPRINCESS!
> She was bent over in front of him, making
>sure the laces of her brother's shoes where tight and tied.
TOM: [Avery] Ha! Let's see him try to get me with that "Your shoe's untied"
gag *now*!
> "Remember what
>I told you about his, style, Avery," Brittany said.
MIKE: [Brittany] Pink with little blue bears.
> "I know," Avery said, looking at Lord Henry's bulky form. "Lord
>Henry."
TOM: He's a steel-driving noble!
> "Avery of York," Lord Henry responded. "I have come to your
>challenge."
CROW: [Henry] I *will* break your puny record for Eating the Most Hot Dogs
at one sitting!
> "Monsignor Samuel will read the agreement," Avery said.
> "Avery, Prince of Ellosia, and Heir to the Throne challenges Lord
>Henry, Hier to the Dukedom of Fasstime
TOM: Played by Judge Reinhold.
> to single combat on order to free
>the Patriarch of Ellosia and others from his custody," Monsignor Samuel
>said. "Should Lord Henry win, he shall be granted free passage to a ship
>and out of the country.
MIKE: [announcer] Plus this lovely set of genuine Samsonite luggage!
BOTS: Oooooh!
> Should Prince Avery win, Lord Henry will surrender
>himself and all hostages. The duel shall be conducted with broad swords
CROW: But Henry cheated and used a guy sword instead.
>and shall continue to either yielding or one combatant is unable to
>continue. Lord Henry, do you accept the terms and conditions?"
TOM: If so, click "Yes" to continue.
> "I do," Lord Henry said, striding to the middle of the courtyard.
> "Prince Avery, do you accept the terms and conditions?" Monsignor
>Samuel asked.
> "I do," Avery said,
CROW: [Monsignor] I now pronounce you dolt and jerk. You may slay each
other - horribly, for all I care.
> joining Lord Henry at the center of the court
>yard, with his back to the well.
> "Very well, gentlemen," Monsignor Samuel said. "Raise your swords
>and begin on my mark."
ALL: MORTAL KOMBAT!!
>Avery and Henry raised their swords and stared into each other's eyes,
[Tom whistles theme from "The Good, the Bad & the Ugly"]
>hoping for a hint as to how they were going to fight. The sun
>disappeared behind the clouds as Monsignor Samuel raised his arms
>
MIKE: Wow. Now *that's* problem BO.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>
>"To hell with crack, heroin, whiskey, tobacco. Writing is far and away
>the single most addictive thing in the universe, IMHO." ~ Greywolf
>
CROW: That's my favorite species of wolf, by the way.
MIKE: Thanks for sharing.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"