MiSTed: Rocky Dwarf Part 1/?
TICK
Oh, God. Last semester I began MiSTing this thing. It's about 2000 lines
unaltered. I don't know how many parts it's going to be. I can only
say...LAUGH, YOU SMEGHEADS! OR ELSE! (Forgive me. It's been a long day.)
Special thanks to my co-writer, the Badger.
*******************************************************************
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
Scene opens on the SOL, where Mike and the Bots are having an
earnest discussion.
TOM: I'm telling you, Jim Varney is a comedy genius! He's the best
Earnest of them all!
CROW: Get outta here! Ernest Hemingway is the grandest of them all!
MIKE: I'm partial to Earnest Borgnine myself. He was great in
Hogan's Heroes.
GYPSY: I always liked Richard Basehart.
The guys all give her a brief stare.
CROW: You've gone spacehappy, Mike! And what about Uncle Ernie from
MY THREE SONS?
MIKE: Uh-oh, Rob and Chip are calling us, guys. (Pushes Button)
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER: SO, You brainless bag of buffonery,
suffering through a cornucopia of clods, eh? Well, today's
experiment is a fancy fanfic that'll take the starch out of you and
your little bots too! But first, the Invention Exchange! What have
you for us this week, my dear admiral?
TOM: Admiral?
CROW: Napoleon at Waterloo reference.
TOM: Oh, COME ON!!
MIKE: This week, me and the boys decided to invent something fun
and easy...This ROMAN POLANSKI VIEWMASTER.
CROW: Now you can see the world through the eyes of that beloved
film director, committer of statutory rape, and husband of famous
actresses who have been brutally murdered! (Puts Viewmaster to
eyes)
TOM: If you truly want to enjoy Roman's films, you must enjoy
Roman. What do you see, Crowy?
CROW: Yesss, Walter Mathau is a believable pirate...Sex scenes with
Peter Coyote....it all makes sense now...
MIKE: CROW! COME BACK, BUDDY! (Slaps him.)
CROW: Oh, I was out to lunch again, wasn't I?
MIKE: Back at ya, sirs.
DR. F: Ohh, that's a steamy gulp. But our invention would make even
Rosemary's Baby sick! It's our MOTHERS OF INVENTION DEPILLATOR,
demonstrated by my assistant, the beautiful TV's Frank. FRANK, IF
YOU WILL!!
FRANK: Gladly, your Kafkaiscity. This is the MIV Depillator (Holds
up a weasel in a Jai-alai basket) And here's how it works. (Places
it on face) AAAH! (Weasel begins chewing on him, falls to ground,
Dr Forrester cuts in front of Camera)
DR F: Baby Smooth. Back to you, Bababooie.
MIKE: That's...really not good for you.
DR F: Your experiment is a little pile of execrable enjoyment I
found floating near the top of the USENET. It's entitled BOYS FROM
THE DWARF MEET THE ROCKY HORROR, and it shows you the importance
of regular bowel movement. Flush twice, booby. PUSH THE BUTTON,
FRANK!(Frank, with weasel stil attached to face, reaches u from
floor and pushes the button)
ALL: AHHHHH! WE GoT FANFIC SIGN!!!
7.....6.....5......4......3......2.....1....
>}} Boys from the Dwarf meet the Rocky Horror.
>}} >==========================================<
>}}
CROW: Is Snow White in this?
MIKE: Actually, I think this is the one where Sylvester Stallone
boxes Warwick Davis.
TOM: They prefer to be called "little people," ya know.
>}}<<<Time setting:
>}}
CROW: Right this very second! Run for your lives!! AHHHHH!
>}}Set between series five and six of Red Dwarf and just before>>>
TOM: We all went nuts.
>}}<<< the events in The Rocky Horror Show.
> >>>
MIKE: Oh, just the Rocky Horror _Show_. Does that mean I won't need
this toilet paper?
CROW: Oh, I think you will.
>}}<<<Author: Thomas Martyn Williams (aka Manticore / Xipe
>Totec) >>>
TOM: A.K.A. Butcher Lawson, A.K.A. Harry the Horse Malone...
CROW:A.K.A. Pablo?
MIKE: Don't take me there, Crow.
>}}Part I:
>=======
TOM: Oh God, there's different parts. Just shoot me now.
>}}Scene Shot: A green planet hanging in the background of space as
>the Starbug
> flys past,
CROW: Start your spelling flames early!
>}} then change to the interior of Starbug's cockpit. Lister
>}} sits in one chair strumming his guitar with no obvious tune
>in mind, the
MIKE: Much like this fanfic--with no obvious _plot_ in mind.
> Cat sits in the other in a black suit with silver trim and
>Holly's monitor is blank.
TOM: Much like the author's mind.
>Lister sings something unintelligable to himself, strangely in time
>to whatever he's playing.
MIKE: "Strangely in time to..." Nope, that syntax just ran away
from me.
>RIMMER walks in: Do you have to keep playing that nonsense Lister?
CROW: Do you have to keep _writing_ this nonsense?
>LISTER keeps playing, ignoring Rimmer.
>RIMMER: Look, even your singing doesn't make sense,
MIKE: Oh, he's singing like Dylan?
>that is singing I presume?
TOM: Nah, I've got sinuses like you wouldn't believe.
>Lister sings slightly louder, but still unintelligably.
CROW: Much like...
MIKE: Let it die, Crow.
>CAT: Hey, goalpost head has a point bud, I've listened to you play
>for two hours now and I haven't made out a word yet - I thought you we're
>in pain or something.
TOM: Pain? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT PAIN!
>RIMMER: See even the Cat agrees with me... (To the Cat) I told you
>not to call me goalpost head.
>LISTER: But you are a goalpost head Rimmer (he continues singing)
ALL: Nanny nanny poo poo.
>RIMMER: Goits, I'll have you both down on report for this.
CROW: Mike, what's a goit?
TOM: I thought that was that disease...
MIKE: No, that's _gout._
>CAT: Go ahead goalpost head but don't get in my way, I'm due for
>another snack
> Aarrroowww - I'm going eat you little fishy.
CROW: I think he already ate the little period.
>Cat leaves cockpit.
CROW: (opens mouth)
MIKE: Don't even think about it, Crow.
CROW: I was gonna comment on his posture. What a dirty mind you
must have!
>RIMMER: Right, Holly take a report... Holly? (Notices the blank
>monitor) Smeg.
CROW: Smeg? What's that?
TOM: Yeah, Mike, what's the deal here?
MIKE: Guys, just watch...
>Rimmer turns toward the doorway.
MIKE: Unfortunately, it was locked from the outside.
TOM: Yeah, if we gotta suffer through this fanfic, so do you.
>RIMMER calls: Kryten, where the smeg has Holly gone?... Kryten?
CROW: Kryten? Wow, I love his books...have any of you read
_Disclosure_ yet?
TOM: Nah, I'm still reading _The Terminal Man_ myself...a stunning
indictment of the medical industry's use of computers in behavioral
modification.
MIKE: You read that off the back cover, didn't you, Tom?
TOM: It fits, it fits...
>Lister laughs quietly to himself while strumming his guitar.
CROW: He's obviously not reading this fanfic.
>Rimmer looks sternly at him and waves a finger at him.
TOM: Oh you baaaaad baaaad man....
>RIMMER: You just... you... (gives up in frustration and walks out)
ALL: D'OH!
>Scene shot: Starbug's main area, Kryten is fixing the wiring on one
>of the monitors, Cat is busy eating a plate of fish, Rimmer walks
>in.
>
>RIMMER: Kryten, why didn't you answer me before?
CROW: You answer him, I'm bitter.
>KRYTEN: I'm sorry sir, I am trying to fix this monitor - it appears
>to be malfunctioning.
CROW: Yeah, all we're getting are these lousy Red Dwarf fanfics.
I hate those things!
>RIMMER: Well forget that now, I have to give Holly a very important
>report, where is she?
MIKE: Up on poppy?
TOM: Mike, no XTC references.
>Kryten ignores Rimmer as he fits the wiring back into the wall next
>to the monitor.
CROW: He must be listening to relaxation tapes. (TOM starts making
the sound of waves--CROW speaks in a deep, soothing voice) You are an
important person. Your only goal is to be the best you you can be.
>RIMMER: Isn't anybody listening to me?
ALL: Unfortunately.
>CAT: Hey, keep it quiet goalpost head,
The GUYS applaud.
> I'm trying to eat.
>RIMMER: That's it, your all going on report... Holly? Holly...
>where the smeg are you Holly?
CROW: Mike, what is the deal with that? What's 'smeg?'
>Holly's face appears on the screen as Lister walks in without his
>guitar.
The GUYS applaud again.
>RIMMER: Finally, there you are Holly, take a report...
>HOLLY: Shut up goalpost head, I don't have time for that.
MIKE: Ooooh, snippy.
CROW: Yeah, need some Midol?
MIKE: Crow!
>Rimmer screams silently in frustration and storms off into the
>cockpit.
TOM: Say, everybody, shall we share a good silent scream?
MIKE: Let's do.
ALL raise their heads and opens their mouths.
CROW: I feel better!
>LISTER: What is it Hol, is something going on?
MIKE: Man, he's definitely not reading this fanfic.
>HOLLY: I think somebody is on the ship, half my monitors have just
>gone dead.
CROW: Well, yeah, somebody's on th ship. There's me...and
Rimmer...and the Cat...
>KRYTEN: Well can't you look for them with the others?
>HOLLY: Oh, I never thought of that, hang on... (Holly fades out and
>fades back)
TOM: Is this plot development or what?
>HOLLY: Oh no, they've got into my computer core - they're trying
>to take over the ship.
CROW: (in a HAL voice) There is no further need for this
conversation, Dave.
>LISTER: What? Who is Hol, who's on the ship?
CROW: You, and Rimmer, and the Cat...
>HOLLY: Oh dear, they've overrided my controls... I knew I shouldn't
>have left that cargo bay door open, can't look away for a second...
MIKE: Yeah, and all that pesky oxygen rushes out into the cold
unforgiving void of space...
>KRYTEN: Erm Holly, what are they doing?
>HOLLY: Eh? Who?
>KRYTEN: The ones on the ship that you mentioned a few seconds ago.
>HOLLY: Oh them, I wondered who you meant... (A few seconds pass)
ALL: SO DID WE!
>LISTER: Well?
>HOLLY: Erm, well they appear to be about to shut me... (The screen
>goes blank)
>KRYTEN: Erm, Holly... Hello Holly...
ALL: Oh hello....Holly...it's so nice to have you back where you
belong...
>LISTER: Oh smeg, that's smegging great that is - we've lost Holly!
CROW: MIKE!!
TOM: What is with this 'smeg' stuff?
MIKE: I'll tell you during the host segment.
>Rimmer walks back in having watched this all on the other monitor.
CROW: You fool! You could have been watching NYPD Blue!
>RIMMER: Well, that's great - I'll never have this report done now.
>LISTER: Oh shut up Rimmer.
The GUYS applaud again.
>Cat looks up from his meal.
>
>CAT: Hey, what happened to the face buds?
TOM: Well, it's always looked like this...HEY!
>LISTER: Hol's been shut down, we'll have to be ready for whoever's
>in control of Red Dwarf when we get there.
>CAT: Well I better have another fishy, I don't want to face anyone
>on an empty stomach.
CROW: Yeah, it's much easier to puke that way.
>Cat continues eating.
>
>Rimmer brightens up as a thought hits him.
MIKE: And about time, too.
>RIMMER: Aliens, at last - It must be aliens.
CROW: Cool! Is one of those little things going to burst out of his
stomach?
TOM: Yeah, Mike, I didn't know Sigourney Weaver was in this!
MIKE: Wishful thinking, boys.
>KRYTEN: Now we don't know that sir, Holly never said what was on
>board.
>RIMMER: Aliens have taken over the ship to welcome us as representatives
>of Earth.
MIKE: Boy, will THEY be surprised.
>LISTER: Right Rimmer, whatever you say... (Walks into the cockpit,
>followed by Kryten)
CROW: Okay, Rimmer, you're the god, you're the king of
everything...
>Scene Shot: Starbug cockpit, Kryten and Lister sitting down looking
>at the controls as Red Dwarf is seen, through the screen in front
>of them, in the distance.
>
>KRYTEN: We have a problem sir,
MIKE: We're still trapped in this fanfic.
> it seems that Red Dwarf has speeded
>up.
>LISTER: Well that's all right, Starbug can outrun Red Dwarf - it'll
>just take a
> little longer.
MIKE: Oh, Boy! We get to spend MORE time with this Fanfic!
>KRYTEN: Yes, but at that speed it'd take a bit longer than we have
>supplies for.
>LISTER: How much longer?
TOM: That's what _we_ were wondering.
>KRYTEN: Well considering we have the month's supplies for that
>holiday we cancelled due to Cat forgetting his favourite twenty suits
>and the new speed of Red Dwarf, I'd estimate about two years, three
>months and twenty eight days short.
>LISTER: Great, smegging great... (He thinks briefly) Well, isn't
>there a planet or something where we can get more supplies from.
MIKE: Sure, there's a mall right around the bend!
CROW: With a factory outlet, don'cha know.
TOM: Oh good, I need a new pair of pumps...
>KRYTEN: I'll see what's on the long range scanners sir.
>RIMMER walks in: How long before we meet the aliens?
CROW: Well, the aliens are currently attempting to have the zoning
laws changed so we have to move....may take a while.
>LISTER: Look, there not aliens Rimmer, and anyway we need to get
>more supplies or something... it's going take sometime.
TOM: Everybody needs somebody sometime....
>KRYTEN: I've found one sir, a planet just within range - it appears
>to be populated.
ALL: Appearances can be decieving!
>LISTER: Great, set course then Kryten... maybe they know who's
>taken over the ship as well.
>RIMMER: More aliens!
CROW: Three times the terror! Three times the danger!
>Lister shakes his head and picks up his guitar again.
ALL: NOOOOOO!
MIKE: If I was a carpenter, and you were my lady...
>(Six days later)
MIKE: And the Lord rested.
>Scene Shot: Starbug flys towards another planet, Starbug lands on
>a large metallic platform near a strangely Earth-like mansion.
>Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat walk down the steps and towards the
>building.
>
>LISTER (to Kryten): What is this place?
CROW: (in Amityville voice) Leave this place...
>KRYTEN: It appears to be a building of a similar design to early
>20th century mansions on Earth.
TOM: But it's really Tom Arnold.
>RIMMER: It was obviously made by the aliens to welcome us to their
>planet.
TOM: Oh, _obviously_. Go to bed old man!
>CAT: Yeah, right goalpost head, and I think anoracs are a fashion
>item!
>LISTER: Would you stop going on about aliens Rimmer, that's all
>you've been going on about for the past week.
MIKE: Yeah, and the week before that you kept talking about going
to the wonderful land of Oz.
>Rimmer smiles to himself and ignores them.
CROW: (in Amityville voice) They are all against you, Arnold...they
all must die...
MIKE: Crow!
>Scene shot: They arrive at the door, which opens slowly although
>nobody can be seen within, Lister shrugs his shoulders and walks in,
>followed by the others. They walk through a hallway, decorated with strange
>paintings and statues, into a sort of lounge where two sharply dressed
>humanoid males are standing, despite there being a sofa and some
>chairs around the room.
ALL: Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharply dressed humanoid male!
>OFFICIAL1: Welcome visitors, please - make yourselves at home.
MIKE: And the nesting begins in earnest.
CROW: Jim Varney?
>LISTER: Erm, well thanks guys. (He collapses into a chair)
MIKE: Exhausted by the embarassment of appearing in this fanfic.
>Kryten looks at the room and thinks that it could do with a lot of
>cleaning.
TOM: Tom looks at the fanfic and thinks it could do with a lot of
burning.
>CAT: Hey, nice suits you got there buds - not as cool as mine, but
>hey - if they were, I'd own them.
CROW: You have to own everything, don't you, Kane?
>Rimmer performs a full Rimmer salute, nearly hitting himself in the
>eye.
CROW: Now I know where I recognize this guy! It's Kelton the Cop!
MIKE: It's not Kelton the Cop, Crow.
TOM: Yeah, it's perfectly obvious that that's Tony Goldwyn.
MIKE: It's not Tony Goldwyn!
>RIMMER: Greetings from Earth, we are honoured to meet you.
>OFFICIAL2: Ah, so you are from Earth as we thought, then that would
>make us
ALL: Trapped in a crummy fanfic
> aliens to you.
>RIMMER (whispers): Aliens!
MIKE: YES! ALIENS! GET OVER IT!
>Rimmer collapses in a dead faint on the floor.
CROW: Mike, can we slap him awake?
MIKE: Hush, child.
>KRYTEN (rushs over to Rimmer): Are you OK sir... Mr. Rimmer... (to
>Lister) He appears to be unconscious sir.
>LISTER: Ha, poor Rimmer - finally met his aliens and just couldn't
>take it.
TOM & CROW: Shame, Shame, Unending Shame.
>The Cat smiles to himself and starts removing specks of dust from
>his suit, one by one.
MIKE: And soon he finds himself naked.
TOM: Mike? That wasn't up to your standards.
CROW: Yeah, sit back and let _ME_ handle the filth.
>OFFICIAL1: So, what brings you to our planet Transexual?
MIKE: DOWN! BE QUIET! SAY NOTHING!
>LISTER: Well... erm, what did you call this planet?
>OFFICIAL1: This is the planet Transexual, in the galaxy of
>Transalvania - did you not know this?
TOM: What, did you oversleep in school? EVERYBODY knows THAT!
>LISTER: No, but if you want to give your planet a weird name then
>that's up to you guys!
CROW: Well, Thank you for the permission, Barnabas Collins!
TOM: Oh, there's no call for that...
>OFFICIAL2: It seems we are fortunate for your arrival then. (Looks
>at Official1) We may have something you can do for us.
>
>Both the officials smile in a suspicious manner and look back at
>Lister and the others.
MIKE: SNACKS! We crave sweets!
>LISTER (nervously): Erm, well if you gave us some supplies and
>maybe fixed up our ship a bit, we might have a deal... what did you have
>in mind.
CROW: (Smarmy Voice) Let's see...what CAN you do for us? I know,
END THIS FANFIC!
>OFFICIAL2: Oh, we just want you to deliver a message to someone.
MIKE: The Writer. Tell him to stop or somebodys gonna get hurt.
>LISTER: And, er.. would this person be somewhere dangerous?
CROW: NOWHERE is more dangerous than this!
MIKE: Yeah, c'mon guys, let's go.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
CROW: When will the hurting stop? WHEN WILL IT STOP!?
TOM: Stay loose, my yellow friend. Yes, this is the kind of Fanfic
that we all dread, but we handled Gannon of the BDA, and by gum we
can handle this.
MIKE: I know. In order to take your mind off of the depths this
fanfic has sunk to, why not run through things that'd be worse than
this?
TOM: A planning session for Manos 2?
CROW: A nasty hangnail....in your BRAIN?
MIKE: Shriners.
TOM: That's not very unpleasant.
MIKE: Snorting white-out?
GUYS:AAH!
CROW:Attempting to eat dinner with Adolf Hitler and Golda Meyer?
TOM: Bats with vests?
MIKE: REPUBLICANS ON HEROIN!
GYPSY: No more love.
TOM & CROW: ROB LOWE!
EVERYBODY: AAAIHHH!!
MIKE: Uh oh...WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
____________________________________________________________
Unfortunately, there's more to come....
MiSTing by Pete "Tick" Milan and Matt "Badger" Rossi. Red Dwarf is copy-
right Grant Naylor Productions. The Rocky Horror Show is copyright
Richard O'Brien. (If you ever attempt a fanfic longer than 1000
lines...don't. Let it die.)
Later,
Tick