[MiSTied] MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED WORLDWIDE!
Sylvan SilverNight
huge dibs I claimed a while back. Enjoy, pass it around and save some
for teacher...!
-David J Rust
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
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(Scene: SOL Interior. CROW is wearing his bear costume and carrying a
little flag that says "ConFurence 10". TOM is walking behind him
wearing a little backpack.)
TOM: I dunno, Crow, I only have a couple hundred.
CROW: Well, I checked Mike's credit card, but I -uh- already maxed it
out last month.
TOM: I suppose we'll need a roommate then...
CROW: Oh, two at least!
TOM: (sighs) Well, Sylvan's going but he's already got roommates. Who
else do we know?
(MIKE walks in reading a copy of the comic book "Furlough".)
MIKE: Hey, guys.
TOM/CROW: Hey, Mike. (they do a double-take) MIKE!
CROW: Mike!
TOM: Mike! Mike!
CROW: Mike; have we got a proposition for you!
TOM: It's really great!
MIKE: (warily) If this has anything to do with that seed catalog, I
don't want to buy a Krinoid.
TOM: Nothing of the sort!
CROW: Will you go with us to ConFurence and split a room?
MIKE: (a bit surprised) ConFurence? I had no idea you guys were into
Furry stuff...
TOM: Oh yeah. Ever since seeing "Hobgoblins".
CROW: We were sold!
MIKE: (slowly) But, guys... You hated "Hobgoblins".
TOM: Thoroughly!
CROW: (nodding) With ever fiber of my being!
MIKE: Well, then... Why would that have gotten you interested in Furries?
TOM: (sighing) Gee Mike, don't be so dense... (turning to CROW) Why
was it again?
CROW: (sighing) Y'see Nelson, everyone knows that most of the Furries
in the United States live in California...
MIKE: Yes...?
CROW: And, since they expend significant revenue on books, art and movies...
MIKE: I think I see where this is going...
TOM: (to MIKE) Well, don't spoil it for me! (to CROW) Go on, Crow...
CROW: ...we can get involved on the ground level and make sure that
horrible, crappy films with furry critters in them never get made again!
TOM: Yes!
CROW: Our power will be absolute! No more "Gargoyles!"
TOM: Er, "Hobgoblins", Crow.
CROW: Whatever...
MIKE: Well, guys, it's a good plan, but I don't think going to
ConFurence is going to really get you anywhere with that... Besides,
aside from watching Bugs Bunny and reading Ovid's "Metamorphoses" I
don't think I really qualify as a Furry...
TOM: (petulantly) I knew we couldn't count on you, Mike...
CROW: Yeah, where pop-culture is concerned, I guess you'll never be
anything more than a Trekkie...
MIKE: Well, I'm sorry but... Hey!
TOM: Yep, go put on your Spock ears, Mike; Crow and I are off to new
frontiers of faanish interest!
(The two bots start moving off towards off-camera. MIKE grabs hold of
them gently and shakes his head.)
MIKE: Guys, are you aware that ConFurence is on Earth?
CROW: Well, duh, Mike!
TOM: It's in California!
CROW: (whispering to TOM) That's "CaliFURnia", Tom...
TOM: (agreeing in a low voice) Yeah, right... "CaliFURnia"...
MIKE: (nodding) Yeah, CaliFURnia. And *we* are currently where?
CROW: In the Satellite of Love... Sheesh, Nelson, you get hit on the
head this morning?
MIKE: (smiling) And you would have to get permission from *whom* to get
off the Satellite?
(The bots pause.)
TOM: Uh, Pearl?
CROW: Hmmm... Definitely Pearl...
MIKE: (nodding) Exactly...
(The commercial sign lights start flashing.)
MIKE: Tell you what... If Pearl will let you go, I'll accompany you and
spring for the room; Ok? (He shakes his head and hits the lights.)
We'll be right back...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL. CROW has taken off all of his costume except for the head-gear;
MIKE his helping him remove it.)
CROW: Well, I guess I don't really want to go after all, Mike...
TOM: Yeah, it's only a weekend of freedom from having to watch bad movies...
MIKE: (nodding) Besides, did you see the expose that KARE-11 news did
on Furries a few years ago? Sheesh!
CROW: Hey! What are you implying, Nelson?
TOM: Yeah! Furries are just as normal as any Trekker or Rocky-Horrible!
MIKE: (wincing) Ok... Ok...
TOM: Besides, if I feed one some nutella, I might be able to get him to
follow me home!
CROW: They're so cute in all that fur...
(Lights flash.)
MIKE: (sighing) Great, Mother Pearl is calling... (he hits the lights)
(Castle Forrester Interior. PEARL is in the foreground hefting a spiked
mace while, in the background, BOBO is standing in front of a dry-erase
marker board covered with diagrams and charts showing dollar signs and a
pyramid. Three chairs are facing him, with OBSERVER in the center
chair, flanked by two people -a man and a woman- dressed in business
suits with "sensible" haircuts.)
PEARL: (sighing) Well, it's the end of the world as we know it, Nelson;
and I'm feeling a might bit queasy...
(SOL.)
MIKE: (looking concerned) Gee, that's too bad Pearl... What's wrong?
(Castle.)
PEARL: Oh, it's Bobo again. He's gone out and gotten involved in an
Amway cult and brought his Saturday night meetings home. He's already
given me three cassettes to listen to and started taping motivational
messages on the refrigerator. (she hefts the mace) I'm going to kill him.
(SOL.)
TOM/CROW: (gasping) No!
MIKE: Oh, come on Pearl! I mean, it's not all that bad, is it? You'll
get discount soap, paper towels...
(Castle.)
PEARL: (continuing without listening to the guys) That, and he sucked
Brain Guy into all this... Just imagine; the most powerful,
supposedly-ominpotent being in the galaxy getting sucked into an Amway pitch...
(In the background, we see OBSERVER standing up, smiling and taking a
bow as BOBO and the two humans applaud him. He heads up to the
dry-erase board to take the floor.)
(SOL.)
MIKE: (wincing) Gee, that *is* pretty bad... But killing Bobo? Isn't
that a bit ... severe?
(Castle.)
PEARL: I suppose... (she drops the mace and rolls her eyes) Perhaps I
can let this go on a little longer before we reach Defcon 1 and Bobo's
head has to roll... (She looks back over her shoulder as OBSERVER
addresses the group.)
OBSERVER: Just remember, a smile is your umbrella and your neighbors,
your customers... Uh, treat your customer as you would want to be treated...
PEARL: But I'm not gonna wait much longer... (she pauses and then
readdresses MIKE and the bots.) Still, in the meantime, I've got a
little treat for you today... It arrived unceremoniously in my mailbox
and was titled, enticingly enough, "Medical Breakthrough Announced
Worldwide!" I scanned it quickly but thought that -since you don't seem
to get very much email- I'd send it up to you so you wouldn't feel left
out of daily life here on planet Earth...
(SOL.)
MIKE: Uh, gee Pearl... Thanks...
TOM: You didn't have to...
(Castle. In the background, OBSERVER is droning on about networking.)
PEARL: (smiling insincerely) Oh, think nothing of it... What are
enemies for?
(SOL.)
CROW: I'm beginning to think that Pearl deserves an Amway meeting in her
living room.
MIKE: C'mon Crow, no one deserves that...
(Lights start flashing.)
ALL: Aaaaaahhhhh! We have email-sign....!!!!
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> Subject: MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED WORLDWIDE!
CROW: *This* is how the Center for Disease Control gets the word out?
Massive email spam?
MIKE: Budget cuts, Crow.
> Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999 23:10:53 -0500
> From: "Harry" <ex...@newmail.net>
TOM: "When Harry Met the Internet"
CROW: Wouldn't that be "You've Got Mail"?
TOM: (shuddering) Hey! You promised that you'd never mention that
90-minute AOL commercial again!
CROW: (in a loud AOL-like voice) Welcome!
TOM: Mike! Make Crow stop it!
MIKE: Come on, Crow. Knock it off.
CROW: (in same AOL voice) I'm sorry ... Good-bye!
> To: uni...@mailserver.fti.se
>
> This message is being sent to you in compliance with the Federal Legislation
> for Commercial Email (S.1618-SECTION 301).
TOM: You have the right to remain silent...
CROW: ...Contents may have settled during shipping...
MIKE: ...Offer void in Utah.
> For more information go
> http://www.senate.gov/~murkowski/commercialemail/EMailAmendText
TOM: (sputtering) Hey! This link's dead!
MIKE: (leaning over as if looking at TOM's laptop) Did you try
stripping off the "/EMailAmendText" part?
TOM: Yeah... The /commercialemail directory is empty...
CROW: Say! Look at this!
MIKE: (leaning over as if looking at CROW's laptop) Yeah?
CROW: This URL is contained on Alaskan Senator Frank Murkowski's web page!
MIKE: You mean...?!!
CROW/TOM: (shouting) It's a government conspiracy!!!
> ****************************************************************************
> SECTION 301.Advertiser: "see below" Per Section 301,Paragraph(a)(2)(C) of S.
> 1618,further transmissions to you by the sender of this email may be stopped
> at no cost to you see remove insructions at the end of message
CROW: Or you can simply mail-bomb him into submission...
>
>
>
MIKE: Hmmm... Seems he had to pause for dramatic effect.
> A MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH!
ALL: (ducking and wincing at the shout) Ahhhh!
CROW: (panting) Geez, I wish they'd stop *doing* that.
>
> In the treatment of HIV/AIDS & DEGENERATIVE DISEASE was announced:
TOM: Uh, Mike? What was actually announced?
MIKE: Hmmmm... I'm not sure. It looks like something concerning the
treatment of HIV/AIDS and degenerative diseases, but the author left the
subject of the sentence out.
CROW: Well, I'm sure it couldn't have been important then.
>
> on December 1st 1998
TOM: (in an announcer's voice) A day that will live in infamy!
>
>
>
> MILLIONS of dollars of this remarkable product will be sold in the up coming
> months...
MIKE: Tylenol Three?
TOM: RU-486?
CROW: Viagra?
>
>
>
MIKE: This guy really likes his dramatic pauses.
CROW: He gets paid by the line...
> Imagine YOU can play a role in the promotion of this historical medical
> breakthrough
TOM: (vibrating violently in place) *WHAT* historical medical breakthrough?!!
> and position yourself to profit immediately!!
MIKE: Yes, you too can profit from the pain and suffering of others!
Make money while epidemics and plagues sweep the world!
CROW: Geez, Mike... That was dark!
MIKE: Is it any worse than using fear of AIDS to get someone to read an email?
>
>
>
> If you are CURIOUS , you'll want to find out how this all natural product
> can save millions of lives and generate millions of dollars in sales!
TOM: Man, this guy's colder than Ebeneezer Scrooge!
CROW: More sinister than the T-1000!
MIKE: Greedier than Donald Trump!
TOM: Look! Up in the sky! It's bill, it's a sham, it's Cure-All Man!
MIKE/CROW: (in a monotone) Our hero.
> If you
> know of anyone who has
> HIV/AIDS,CANCER,DIABETIES,MS,ARTHRITIS,HEPATITIS,HERPES OR ANY DISEASE
> Developed After Birth! Then you owe it to yourself to get the facts !
CROW: Can a tendency to send email spam be considered a "disease
developed after birth"?
MIKE: We can only hope...
>
> If you are SMART, you'll wanna find out why Dr. james B Hall ,
CROW: ...insists on spelling us spelling his first name with a
lower-case "j".
> the
> recognized US Ambassador Of Goodwill for HIV/AIDS under the Clinton
> Administration PUBLICALLY endorsed this product ,
ALL: (frustrated) What product?!!
> after extensive research,
> on December 1st 1998 IN THE FIGHT AGAINST HIV/AIDS AND OTHER DEGENERATIVE
> DISEASES!
TOM: Y'know, you'd think they'd be eager to spell it out for us! I mean
what are they talking about?
CROW: Who knows? With the aforementioned government conspiracy to hide
this medical discovery of theirs, this email was probably redacted by
the FBI.
TOM: Really? The FBI?
CROW: (nodding) Oh, sure! The Food and Beverage Institute is famous
for it's clam-destine activities... (snickering)
TOM: (apparently not catching on) You mean Chef Tell is involved in
covering up important medical research?!!
MIKE: Well, he *was*; then agent 0-0-7 took him out...
TOM: You mean...?!!
CROW: Yep! Emeril Lagasse snuck up behind him and...
MIKE: ...BAM!
>
> If you are SERIOUS, about improving the health and wealth of your family,
> you'll get the fax on demand right NOW!!
MIKE: You know, it's not a very big leap to imagine this guy typing a
message saying "If you ever want to see your Wife and Daughter again..."
> Find out how you can benefit TODAY!
CROW: TODAY?!!
TOM: TODAY! (singing) We comin' to America... TODAY!
MIKE: (rapping Tom lightly on the head) That's enough Neil Diamond, Tom.
> before the masses catch on.
CROW: Darn, those masses! They ruin everything!
>
> ... This is the opportunity you have been waiting for!
TOM: To escort Famke Janssen to a gala reception at Governor Ventura's mansion?
>
> THIS AMAZING PRODUCT RETAILS FOR $39.50 PER BOTTLE! CALL US WITHIN 24 HOURS
> AND FIND OUT HOW TO BECOME A WHOLESALE BUYER ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
CROW: Act now and we'll send you a complimentary Insulin Injection kit
for only an additional $19.95!
MIKE: Wow, that's some deal!
CROW: But wait, there's more... Tell 'em, Tommy!
TOM: Ahem... (in an announcer's voice) You'll also get the
Penicillin2000; sleek and stylish, this self-contained medical miracle
slices, dices, blends, purees and makes jullianne fries in mere seconds!
MIKE: Wow! How much?
TOM: (still announcer's voice) Don't ask yet, because if you order in
the next ten minutes, we'll include -absolutely free- an autographed
copy of "Hot Zone" by alarmist medical author, Richard Preston!
>
> Massive world wide media exposure on television and in National Publications
> ensures your success! Get the Fax On Demand at 716 420-8387 then call 800
> 669-4197 24 hrs a day! Now!
CROW: Operators are standing by! These medical miracles and their
associated literature can be yours at a wholesale price for only (takes
a deep gasp of air and rattling off the following, rapidly) Nineteen-ninetyfive-ninetynine-ninetyfive!
MIKE: (doing a double-take) $199,599.95?!!
TOM: Plus tax, shipping and handling...
>
>
>
MIKE: (looking as if he's checking his wallet) I dunno... It's awfully steep...
CROW: But think of your wife and children!
MIKE: Well, that's true, I... Hey! I don't have a wife and children!
TOM: (sobbing) Then what are *we* Mr. Nelson? Chopped liver?
MIKE: (sighing) Oh, give it up, Tom...
> "citizens alert!"
CROW: "Citizen's Alert! Citizen's Alert! Stop the Humanoid...!"
>
> 7 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE WHO JOIN AN MLM COMPANY NEVER MAKE ANY MONEY!
MIKE: Hey, now *there's* a refreshing piece of honesty... Thank you, Harry!
TOM: Mike, why would a company actively discourage participants by
telling them they probably won't make any money?
MIKE: I dunno; maybe the Ghost of Advertisements-Future paid Harry a visit...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
CROW: Geez! Another one!
MIKE: He's probably just insecure that no one will read his email unless
he pads it with white-space for emphasis... It's sad, really.
> #1 THEY GOT IN TOO LATE
TOM: ...And they had to go to the principal's office with a tardy slip.
>
>
>
> #2 THEY DID NOT MEET THE SPONSOR REQUIREMENT TO GET PAID!
MIKE: They had a pulse.
>
>
>
CROW: Warning! Warning! Emphasis coming...!
> YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER FOREVER!!PRESENTING............."CASH OUT ELITE!"
TOM: Guys, when did this email make the transition from medical
breakthrough to a Mystic Lake Casino advertisement?
MIKE: Oh, I think it was about two dramatic pauses ago...
>
>
TOM/CROW: (Singing) An-ti-ci-pation...
>
>
TOM/CROW: (Still Singing) An-ti-ci-pa-a-tion...
>
>
TOM/CROW: (Still Singing) It's makin' us wait...
>
MIKE: (in a deep, Heinz-ketchup commercial voice) It's Sloooow-good!
> YOU ARE ONE OF A SELECT FEW PEOPLE TO RECEIVE THIS INVITATION ,
TOM: Oh, I feel *so* special!
CROW: Yeah! Next time, Harry...
TOM: ...if that *is* your name...
CROW: ...try sending us something useful. Like the URL for the
Spam-Hater's Union!
> AN
> ESTABLISHED COMPANY WILL BE LAUNCHING THIS HOT NEW PROGRAM TO THE MASSES ON
> FEBRUARY 1 1999.
MIKE: We know you'd probably like to know exactly *what* "established
company" is launching this, but we figured it'd be more fun if you guessed...
CROW: Oh! Oh! I know!
MIKE: Yes, Crow?
CROW: How about IBM?
MIKE: Don't they only do computers?
CROW: Hmmm....yeah. Well, how about DOW?
MIKE: I dunno; this email is a bit low-brow for them...
CROW: (dejected) Yeah, I guess so... (brightens up) Wait! I got it!
It's gotta be Beatrice! They run everything...!
TOM: (shuddering) Now *that's* an Illuminati that even *I* won't poke
fun at...
MIKE: (in a soft, calm voice to TOM) We're Beatrice.
TOM: AAAAAHHHHH!
> THERE ARE STILL A LIMITED NUMBER OF FOUNDERS POSITIONS
> AVAILABLE!
CROW: Oooohhh! So we can become Founders!
TOM: They're gonna let us run The Dominion?
> COMMISSIONS BEING PAID DAILY AS OF 1/20/99 NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO
> GET IN ON TOP!
CROW: So hurry! Rush right in without knowing what we sell or do!
TOM: Soon, you too can be dynamic, enthusiastic and frustratingly vague!
MIKE: Y'know guys, this is sounding an awful lot like Amway...
CROW: Come on Mike, Pearl may be evil, but she's not *that* evil!
MIKE: (cautiously) I dunno...
> YOU GET PAID A FOUNDERS BONUS, NOT AVAILABLE TO THE LATE
> COMERS
>
>
>
> NO SPONSORING REQUIRED TO EARN $1,170.00 AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE!!
TOM: Ah, yes... Harry? I'd like my checks for $1,170.00 to be
delivered hourly please? (pauses) Yes, yes... For the next fifty
years or so. (pauses again) Right, I'll hold.
> YOU GET PAID
> FOR EVERY PERSON IN YOUR GROUP AFTER THE FIRST 3 PEOPLE NO MATTER WHO
> POSITIONS THEM THERE!!
MIKE: Yep! I smell a pyramid scheme!
>
> IF YOU REFER ONLY 3 PEOPLE YOU WILL EARN OVER $2,000.00
CROW: ...Less our agent's fee of 15%, state and federal taxes...
MIKE: Yes, act now and you too can earn enough for a Whopper.
CROW: With cheese?
MIKE: (scowling) What do you think this is? A profit deal?
>
> NO CYCLING, NO BINARY BALANCING ACTS,
TOM: If you'll address your attention to high above the center ring; the
flying Walendas and two IBM Thinkpads will thrill you with their Binary
Balancing Acts!
> NO AM BREAKAWAYS!
CROW: But FM breakaways are just fine.
TOM: What's an AM breakaway?
MIKE: That's when you have a little radio station decide that it want's
to get out and see the world without the FCC's permission.
>
>
>
> A ONE TIME $125 PURCHASE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PRODUCT IN HISTORY, GETS YOU A
> FREE ENTRY INTO OUR REFERRAL PARTNER PROGRAM!!
CROW: Which might mean something if we knew what the product was.
TOM: Y'know, so far they've implied a cure for everything from AIDS/HIV
to toenail warts. You get the impression that they legally can't
actually come out and say anything concrete without getting sued?
CROW: Maybe they're just naturally secretive, Tom.
> NO HYPED UP CONFERENCE CALLS
> TO RAISE YOUR PHONE BILL, NO LOTIONS,POTIONS OR PILLS!
TOM: Great, now he's getting poetic.
CROW: Well, *I* want a potion of Super-Heroism!
TOM: Well, you'll get that back when you return my barbarian's +3 Sword
of Kvetching!
MIKE: Tom, that was a singing sword...
CROW: Not the way you role-played it, oh high-and-mighty DM!
> FAST CASH PAID TO YOU
> DAILY , DOWNLINE BONUSES PAID WEEKLY!
MIKE: Ahhh yes, the mating call of the Ever-Eager Get-Rich-Quicker.
>
> GET THE FAX ON DEMAND AT 716 387-8300 IMAGE #128
TOM: Mike, if I forward this message to Congress, do you think we can
start "mandatory image-blocking software" legislation for FAX machines?
MIKE: (shuddering) Don't give them ideas, Tom.
>
> THEN CALL 1 800 669-4197 24 hrs to GET STARTED! TODAY!
TOM: (singing) TODAY!
MIKE: (chuckling) That's enough Tom...
>
> The "e"ad co-op email your private ad to 100,000 internet subscribers for
> only $295.00 (offer ends 1/28/99)
CROW: But we'll probably have another one ready on 1/29/99!
>
> fax your request to 610 593-2350 We also accept 5 line ads for only $49.95
> per 100,000 All email broadcasting is done in accordance with all state and
> federal laws!!
MIKE: Except in the state of Minnesota where the Governor is liable to
beat us up for this kinda thing.
>
> STOP SMOKING IN 7 DAYS GUARANTEED OR MONEY BACK
MIKE: (laughing) Oh Geez...
CROW: And just in case we missed anyone with our vague claims to cure
everything but the common cold up above, here's something else for you
to chew over!
MIKE: Man, what's next? A baldness cure?
>
> and two best diet products in the world
CROW: Well, you were close, Nelson...
TOM: I dunno Crow, I *have* been thinking about trying to slim down a bit.
MIKE: I think we have a blowtorch and some extruding tools for that in
the workroom, Tom.
TOM: (nervously) Hey, I only said I was *thinking* about it!
> also money back GUARANTEED All
> products 100% natural with 95% success rate.
MIKE: With 90% suffering disfiguring mutations...
TOM: ...85% losing 80% of their hair...
CROW: ...but only 75% lost their will to live...
> Buy Wholesale – Be a
> distributor and earn a 7 Figure Income 1st year.
TOM: Note: All figures will appear to the right of your check's decimal point.
> Call Fax on Demand
> 281-259-4014 Doc. 155 to get free tape and brochure call
>
> 800-883-9078.
MIKE: (looking over as TOM seems to be rocking back in forth in his
chair) Uh, Tom... What are you doing?
TOM: I'm writing this number down, Mike... There's gotta be *something*
concrete we can find out about this offer! And if it's as lucrative as
they make it sound, soon *you'll* be calling *me* "Master"...
>
> /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
>
> To be removed reply to prf...@newmail.net?subject=remove
CROW: Reply. Subject: Remove. Message: Rot in Spammer's Hell, Harry!
>
> /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
MIKE: (picking up TOM and following CROW as he leaves the theater) I
dunno Tom; we've talked about this whole "Master" thing before...
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(.....4.....)
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(.....6.....)
(TOM has a little post-it note stuck to his hand and the speaker phone
is ringing from where it sits on the desk. MIKE and CROW walk up.)
MIKE: Tom, you aren't seriously calling these people, are you?
TOM: Can you think of something better to do? We don't even really know
who they are! This could be something like "The Net" or "Nowhere Man".
(The telephone picks up. A woman's voice answers.)
WOMAN: Momentum Health and Nutrition, may I help you?
CROW: (snickering) Yeah, Thomas Veil, please...
TOM: (in a whisper) Crow, No!
WOMAN: (after a moment) I'm sorry, he's out of the office at this time.
Are you calling about our fabulous, enticing email offer?
MIKE: Well, actually, we're more just sort of curious as to what it's
all about. Can we talk to Harry?
WOMAN: I'm afraid that Harry isn't in the office either, ma'm.
MIKE: Ma'm? (shakes his head) Well, when do you expect him back?
WOMAN: Oh, in a week or two... He's overseas right now, implying Ebola
cures for the colorful peasantry...
MIKE: Ewww...
WOMAN: Can I send you out a fax with application forms for you and your
friends to join our growing opportunity of medical wonders?
TOM: Actually, we were wondering exactly what *are* these wonders that
you keep referring to.
CROW: Yeah, the email was kinda vague...
WOMAN: (sounding irritated) I see. Tell me sir, do you wear glasses?
CROW: (a bit surprised) Uh, no...
WOMAN: Then I suggest you get some immediately and re-read the message!
CROW: What? HEY!
WOMAN: Look, sir. We made it perfectly clear in the email. You can
stop smoking and gain entry as a Founder, earning a very nice, 7-figure
salary! Most people wouldn't question generosity like that...
CROW: (hopping mad) Why you disembodied...
MIKE: (interrupting CROW) Uh, it's not that we're questioning your
generosity, it's just that we still don't really know what it is you
people do. I mean, apart from becoming a Founder and stopping smoking...
WOMAN: (sighs) Do you smoke, ma'm?
MIKE: Uh, no...
WOMAN: Do you want to become a Founder?
MIKE: Not particularly...
WOMAN: Do you want to benefit at all from our astounding discoveries and
make tons of money?
MIKE: Well, maybe... I'd need to know...
WOMAN: (interrupting) Well then, stop calling us! (her voice starts
trailing off) Honestly, what do they want us to do? Expose the
Conspiracy? (she hangs up)
TOM: Mike; on second thought, I don't think I really want to be a part
of this wonderful opportunity...
(lights flash)
MIKE: Good choice, Tom. (he hits the flashing lights) Yes, Pearl?
(Castle. The two, clean-cut Amway cultists are flanking PEARL, laughing
amiably and chatting back and forth. PEARL looks annoyed and nauseous.)
CULTIST1: So you see, Ms. Forrester...
CULTIST2: Call her "Pearl".
CULTIST1: So you see, Pearl... By taking an affirmative approach to
creating strong relationships and friendly communication-lines with your
victims -er- customers, you can begin to office in a while new way,
incidentally standing to gain quite a bit of money in the process...
CULTIST2: Yes, and you'll only have to give us a very small
percentage...! (She holds up a contract and broadens her smile)
CULTIST1: (holding up a pen) Do we have a deal?
(OBSERVER enters and walks up behind PEARL and CULTIST1. He slaps both
on the back.)
OBSERVER: Well, Pearl! This is most exciting! Already, I have found
three members of our castle neighborhood who are absolutely thrilled by
the opportunities this fine group of bipeds have to offer. Now, if you
join in, we can all reap the benefits!
(PEARL looks slowly at OBSERVER and steps back to allow him to stand
next to her. She glowers for a second and then head-butts his brain,
knocking it out of his hands. OBSERVER yells in pain and goes to the
floor after it.)
PEARL: Ok, that's it! No more, Mrs. Nice-Pearl...! (She glowers at the
cultists who -panicking- run away.)
(BOBO approaches, wearing a business suit.)
BOBO: Oh, Lawgiver! You don't have to act out your rage like this...
Here, read this pamphlet! (He holds out a pamphlet entitled
"Reprimanding Your Inner Child")
(PEARL idly knocks the pamphlet out of BOBO's hand and holds up a pair
of tweezers.)
PEARL: Bobo, when was the last time you had a haircut?
BOBO: Uh, Lawgiver... Perhaps we should dialogue on this...
PEARL: (shaking her head with an evil smile) Oh, I don't think so.
(BOBO runs off, followed by PEARL -still brandishing the tweezers. In
the foreground, OBSERVER slowly stands, cradling his brain. In the
background, we can hear BOBO starting to yelp in pain.)
OBSERVER: (moaning) Uhhhh... Network marketing has its risks... (he
looks up into the camera) We shall be in touch soon, Mike...
(In the background, BOBO runs by in the other direction, chased by
PEARL. We hear him start yelping in pain again as soon as they are both
off-camera. OBSERVER collapses forward off-camera.)
OBSERVER: Someone get me ... some Tylenol ... three...
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific
contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated
and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> 7 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE WHO JOIN AN MLM COMPANY NEVER MAKE ANY MONEY!