[MSTing] Blood and Metal (Part 3a of 9)

[Shay_...@letterbox.com]

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"Blood and Metal", by David Gonterman
MSTing by Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com)
Part 3a of 9

[ Everyone enters the theater. ]

> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Page 5
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

MIKE: The plot takes a dive.
CROW: Good one!
MIKE: Thanks.

>
> "A good cup of coffee and you're up and running, eh Davey?" Said Bear,
> a brown fox with a weird name (According to Davey, anyway, but he kept it to
> himself), "Join the club."

CROW: I wish I *had* a club, like Klubba's in DK2.

> "Thanks, er, Bear." As Davey sat down next to Bear, he looked into
> those blue eyes of his. There were deep, almost ageless.

MIKE: Where were deep, almost ageless?

> They showed a lot

TOM: Of sausages.

> more age than what the rest of him shows. Davey had the impression that
> there is a lot more of this Bear than meets the eye.

MIKE: Ba-dum-bum!

> "Antoine De'Collete's

CROW: A cheese grater?
MIKE: Good at gathering and sorting?

> the best coffee maker on Mobius," Bear continued.
> "Hey, Frenchie! Anytime today?"
> "Merci, I just want to give Misu Crockett zometheeng nice to welcome
> heem by, eef zat's all right with you, mon ami?"

TOM: [ Swedish Chef ] Bork bork bork!

> "Something nice, Ant? What did I do t' deserve this honor?"

CROW: That's what we want to know.

> Antoine came out with a couple mugs. "Eet is like zis, David. You
> fulfilled your zolumn duty as a royal messenger. I always hold members of
> ze royal court of Acorn in high regard. Zis of course means you."

TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Furndy furndy furndy!

> "Hey, a house latte! Thanks Ant."
> "Dey have ze latte where you come from, mon ami?"

TOM: [ as Antoine speaks ] Hurdely hurdely hurdely!
MIKE: OK, stop.

> "Have 'em? Heck, I can make 'em. I used to have a small coffee shop in
> my old apartment."
> By the time Davey's done with the latte, other freedom fighters arrived
> to get to know him better.

TOM: That's 3.
CROW: Maybe the "Davey's" is short for "Davey was".
MIKE: Not likely.

> Some of them already do. "Hi, Sasha. You
> feeling better? That flashback gave you quite a fright." "I'm okay now,
> Davey. Thank you for being concerned."

MIKE: [ Sasha ] Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you.

> Other critters are new to him, like
> Vixie Lamenta and Mighty Fox. "Hey! Ain't your left arm supposed to be
> roboticized?"

CROW: [ Davey ] Oh, just bite me, what's-your-face.

> "It is. I just shifted it into compact mode and switched on the
> hologram. See?" Davey set his arm down and allowed the forearm control
> panel to show through.

TOM: Show through what?
CROW: Ewwww...
TOM: What?! *What*?!?

> "My oh my, talk about state of the art. Bunnie's gonna be jealous."
> "She is. Good thing I plan to set Roboticizers to this model. It takes
> power from my own body heat, is practically non-polluting, and in every
> manner, looks and feels just like a real arm."

MIKE: [ Davey ] Except for this big ol' wire connecting it to my head.

> "Whoa. Wait until Sir Charles catches wind of you."

ALL: Yuck!!

> Vixie turns to
> Mighty, and whispers to him. "So, Mighty, are you gonna tell him?"

TOM: The meaning of the word "flock"?

> "Tell him what?"

CROW: The square root of pi?

> "You know! <elbows Mighty> That you were a human once, like he was.

TOM: And like Keith Aksland...
MIKE: And Ryan Huber...
CROW: And FX... wait, he was a ferret.
TOM: And Vision... wait, he was a... whatever he was. Kell-dyer or something.
MIKE: Who're Keith Aksland and FX?
TOM: Before your time.

> Maybe Dave would feel better if he know that there's another one like him."

MIKE: Then again, maybe not.

> "I'll tell him later." Mighty did so on a shooting range. He shot at a
> tin can with a BB gun--a childhood memory--

MIKE: Wha?
TOM: He was the kid in that Christmas movie!

> as he told Davey about becoming a
> fox to rid himself of the curse of being in the same species as Robotnik.
> He figured Davey went the same route.
> "I have never met Blubber Butt,"

CROW: Then just turn around!
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: What?
MIKE: That was entirely uncalled for.
CROW: Oh, just shove--
MIKE: That's it. You're heading for a time-out.
CROW: Fine! Send me to my room!
MIKE: All right, I-- Oh, no, you're not tricking me. Wait here; I'll be back.
[ Mike gets up and leaves. ]
TOM: Mike, could you get me my laptop computer?
MIKE: [ off screen ] How'll you use it? Your arms don't work, remember?
TOM: I connect it directly to my CPU. Saves time in the long run.
MIKE: [ o.s. ] OK.

> Davey said as he fired-
> BRRRRRRAAAAPPP!

TOM: [ Davey ] Oh, hang on, I just let one.
CROW: [ Davey ] Gotta light a match quick!

> --with a mechanized assult pistol, "the curse that bit me was
> <switches to a shot gun--CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!>

TOM: Oh, it's his "bent-over plumber gun".

> Political Correctness,

CROW: [ Davey ] Damn those gun-wielding PC geeks!

> and
> my change of species <switches to revolver--POW! POW! . . . POW!>

CROW: [ revolver ] Oh, sorry, forgot how to pronounce POW for a second there.

> was
> purely by the fluke of a

TOM: Mermaid.
CROW: Oh, they have those on Mobius?
TOM: Yeah, all types. Half-fox half-fish, half-squirrel half-fish, half-mouse
half-fish, half--
CROW: I get the idea.

> power ring. But by every other reason . . . <he
> stops firing, switches on the safty,

BOTS: Huh?
CROW: Safty?
TOM: Safty sea dog, perhaps?
CROW: Safty safty, joy joy?

> and sets the revolver down> you're not
> that far off, Mighty."
> Mighty and Davey checked their targets. Mighty was only shooting for
> fun, so the oil can looked like swiss cheese.

TOM: A mouse walking by, in fact, mistook it *for* swiss cheese and hilarity
ensued!

> Davey's steel Swat-Bot
> target, on the other hand, was missing it's head, arms, legs, chest, and
> whatever counted as its private parts.

TOM: Mi-i-ike?
CROW: Can we join you?

> "Daaaaaamn.

BOTS: *Gasp*!

> What to you do, sleep
> with those things under your pillow?"
> "Well, I don't know any martial arts yet, although

CROW: [ Davey ] I am rather familiar with martial *law*. I understand you have
plenty of that around here.

> I'll probably pick
> one up while I'm here.

TOM: [ Davey ] I'll just add it to Sally's Minoc Grove shopping list.

> Until then I have to stick to these guns."
> "Guns? You call them guns? Dave, you've joined the Freedom Fighters,
> not the Ozark Malitia!"

CROW: Isn't that the enemy in King's Quest 7?

> "Mighty, you should know this as much as I do. There is no such thing
> as the ATF on Mobius."
> "Hey, Mighty," Sonia shouted from outside. "Sasha needs ya."

CROW: [ Sonia ] You saucy thing, you.

> "Excuse me, my appointment with Doctor Prower awaits" Mighty walked out
> as Sonia walked in. "Hello, Davey. Oh my gosh, look at that target! You've
> shot everything out of it. Not only is that Swat dead, it's going to be
> singing soprano for the next week!"

BOTS: [ flinch ]
CROW: Well, how's it gonna, if it's dead?

> "Just relieving some angst, Suni." Davey notices by her red cheeks that
> she's been crying. "Suni, dear, what's wrong?"
> "It's just . . . <sniff> . . . that stupid mudball of a planet . . .

MIKE: [ returns ] A planet where *apes* evolved from *men*?!
CROW: Oh, you're back.
MIKE: Yeah. I was gonna find something to punish you with, but I couldn't find
the duct tape.
CROW: Phew.
MIKE: Here's your laptop, Tommy-boy. [ He sets it down in front of Tom and
connects a wire to his dome. ]
TOM: Thenk yew.

> <sob> . . . y-y-you come from. . ."

MIKE: Switzerland's OK though... they're all smart in Switzerland.

> she collapsed into his arms and wailed.
> "W-why? How could they do this to you?" She looks at his left arm.
> "You're such a nice guy. . . <sob>"

CROW: And she's known him for how long?

> "It's okay, child." Davey licks her face for tears again.

TOM: [ Irish accent ] Because they're saltily delicious!

> "I'm here
> now. I'm alive. That's all that matters." Just as he said that, his
> mind's eye flashed back to that dank, dark alley, and those eyes filled with
> sparking rage, that heart, black as the skin color of the chest it was
> housed in, the killer bullet screaming out for his innocent blood.

MIKE: Evil mutated vampire bullets, next on Geraldo!
CROW: Sounds like how Bruce Wayne lost his parents.

> Davey
> Crockett would find his loss easier to stomach if it weren't for the
> politics involved.

TOM: Mm-hmm. Yeah. We're with ya. Right.

> "I'm still healing after Piasa, my dear. <He gives her a
> kiss.>

CROW: She exchanges it for a sweater.

> Let's not talk about it right now."
> "Oh. . . okay. . . <She looks at his eyes> Hey, wanna have a picnic? I
> know this great place."

TOM: [ Sonia ] It's right on the edge of this really nifty cliff.

> "Sure thing."
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> "Hmmm, I was wondering, Dave...can I call you that?"
> "Dave, Davey, David;

MIKE: Mike, Mikey, Michael.
TOM: Tom, Tommy, Thomas.
CROW: Crow, uh... Crowey, Crowus.
MIKE: Doesn't quite work.

> it don't matter, Sonia, as long as you mean me."
> "Well, You're name

CROW: [ Davey ] I most certainly am *not* name! Take that back now!

> sounds kinda...familiar in a way. How'd you get
> that?"

TOM: [ Davey ] Reverse Polish Notation. Why?

> "Davey Crockett was a historical figure in my world. He was an
> explorer of my country whenit was young. I was called that when I wore a
> cap made out of a raccoon hide, which Mr. Crockettusually wore, in grammar
> school. By my teenage years, I'd abandoned it, but then came theInternet in
> my world. I considered it the next wild frontier,

MIKE: That's just wahld, man.

> and I felt that it too
> needed a DaveyCrockett, so I resurrected the persona. I found my coonskin
> cap, but it was too small, soI removed its tail and tied it to the back of a
> baseball cap I'm always wearing now, and the nineties'version of that legend
> was born.

TOM: [ Davey ] Vaguely, kinda, sorta a tiny bit like the legend... ah, who am
I kidding?! I'm nothing like Davey Crockett! Waaaaahhh!!!
CROW: "whenit", "Crockettusually", "theInternet"... His space bar must be on
the fritz.
MIKE: Oh dear god, he's ryb in disguise!

> I've been called that so often, I kinda accepted that as my real
> name. I mean, I'd completely forgotten just what name I was born with.

MIKE: Knowing him, probably something like "Finsterbocker".

> Strange."
> As Sonya led Davey to her private lagoon, she asked him about 'Piasa.'
> "Shortly before I came to your world, I was hunting down this local
> legendary monster known as

TOM: Gonter Man! With the amazing ability to slaughter grammar and put his
audience to sleep with a single sentence!
MIKE: Guys, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on him.
CROW: Why not? He rivals Ratliff and Mosely!
MIKE: Well, in this one story, perhaps, but keep in mind, this is his first
story, as far as we know, and at least he isn't producing loads of crap!
TOM: Really? Oh, come look at this.
MIKE: [ reading from laptop screen ] "Foxfire Archive Whearhouse".
ALL: [ pause ] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

> The Piasa Bird. It was the ugliest overglorified
> canary you'll ever see. He popped up a hologram of it to prove his point:
> It was a jaguar with wings and a tail that can do three laps around the
> body. "Had to use a super-powered sawed-off shotgun to take that thing out!
> And that's with illegal ammo

TOM: Ooooo, he's gonna get in trouble!
CROW: No. Don't forget, he's:
ALL: Gonter Man, lord of all he surveys!

> and an over 800 meter drop!"

MIKE: [ Davey ] Well, more like 800 centimeters, but there's a principle at
work.

> "Oh, Davey, you're so brave. You think you'd join those Power Rangers
> you were talking about last night.

TOM: [ Davey ] I do?
CROW: Well, except that they're *just* a TV show.

> That is, if you remained in your world,
> which I'm glad you're not, by the way."
> "I dunno."
> They arrived at a picture-perfect lagoon under a waterfall.

MIKE: It's a smarmy Polaroid ad!

> "How'd you
> like my little niche in the world, Davey? The flowers, the water, the
> trees. . . "

CROW: The smog.
MIKE: The SWATbots.
TOM: The toxic radioactive waste.

> "Nice place you got here, Suni."
> ". . . the skyline of Robotropolis just down that hill . . . "
> "Oh, just put that in the long-as-my-

CROW: Mike, you'll be happy to know that in this instance, I am not going to
say one word.
MIKE: Why, thank you, Crow. There may be hope for you yet.

> Data-Spear list of reasons to kick
> Snively's ass."

BOTS: *Gasp*.

> "<Suni giggles> Ha-Ha, that's a good one, Dear."

CROW: [ Suni, cheerfully ] Shut up, moron.

> They sit down on a
> grassy spot. "Okay, what would you have?" She removes her bow and lets her
> red Pocahontas-length hair fall.

MIKE: Right off her head.

> "I dunno, what you've got." He opens the empty basket.

TOM: Ooo, nothing! My favorite!
CROW: They're having air sandwiches!
MIKE: Tastes crappy, less filling!

> "Davey, have you forgotten, I use magic!

ALL: Yes.
CROW: Now ask us if we care.

> What's your favorite dish?
> Anything."

TOM: [ Davey ] Hmm, I've never had an "anything" before.

> "Well, my favorite food's Mexican . . . let's make it a chili dog
> burrito, so we both can enjoy it."
> "Okay," she waves her hands, and with a spark, a chili dog burrito

CROW: Explodes in the microwave.

> appeared.

TOM: Four.

> "Thanks, Suni,"

CROW: Wait, who's Suni?
MIKE: Sonia's mutated half-cousin. Or her nickname.
TOM: Nah.

> Davey said as he took a bite. "Yummy."

TOM: --fresh cyanide?

> "Ulm, if it's alright with you, I'm feeling like Italian today."

MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Even though I have no idea what Italy is.

> Suni
> created a bowl of spaghetti. Davey looked a little surprised. He thought
> that the Mobian Hedgehog's diet is predominantly chili dogs.

TOM: Five.

> "Besides, I'd
> like to show you what my cyborg parts can do."

CROW: If ya know what I mean.
MIKE: Nudge nudge, wink wink.
TOM: Say no more, say no more. PLEASE say no more.

> She rolled up the fur over
> her arm, and punched on the control panel underneath. Her index finger
> morphed into a shaker cheese shaker."

TOM: She is the Amazing Rando!
CROW: NOW who's talking?!

> "Neat trick," Davey said as he opened up one of the secret compartments
> in his robot arm. "What's that." "Oh, this is a packet of Taco Bell hot
> sauce. I have the recipe in my hard drive." "What's a Taco Bell?"

CROW: It's a burrito you tie around the cat's neck to warn the birds.

> "It's a
> Mexican Restaurant in my home planet. I go there a lot; it'll be one of the
> things I'll miss from my home."

MIKE: [ Davey ] That and Cindy Crawford.

> After emptying the packet, he looked for a
> place to pitch it. "That's what the basket's for, darling." Suni opened up
> the basket for Davey to toss the packet in, eyeing Davey's burrito.

TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Man, burrito, you're hot!

> "So, Suni, how'd you become a 'borg?' Let me guess, Ro-Butt-Nik?"
> "No, I got my cyborg parts from this android named Packbell." "Never
> heard of him."

MIKE: [ Davey ] Does he have a line of PC compatibles named after him?

> "He used to work for Robotnik, but now he's probably
> Snively's right hand droid. He has his own agenda, though. He want's to
> take over Robotroplis for himself. Excuse me, but

TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] *I* just let one.
CROW: Quite a gassy planet we have here.

> that chili dog looks
> delicious!" Davey chuckled at first, but was surprised again at how easy
> Suni turned a bowl of spaghetti into another chili dog burrito. "Wow, wish
> I had that undo command!"

MIKE: Undo fanfic? Yes. Undo conception of David Gonterman? Yes. Undo creation
of Sonic the Hedgehog? Yes.
CROW: Don't forget Star Trek.

> "You know, hon, between you, me, Bunni, and Uncle Chuck, we can be
> pretty cool cyborgs."

MIKE: And that's our cue to laugh very loudly.
ALL: [ do just that ]

> "You think so? Maybe we should team up together."
> "All four of us?" "Yeah, imagine us going up to Snively and say <in a
> monotone voice>

ALL: YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

> 'PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE WILL BE FUTILE.'"

MIKE: I am P-P-P-Porky P-P-P-Pig of B-B-B-Borg. P-P-Prepare to be a-a-as-as-
assim-- er, joined to us. R-Re-R-Resistance is f-f-fu-f-fut-- oh, just
give up!
CROW: I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated!
TOM: I am Windows of Borg. You will be assimilated, and claim that you're a
brand new type of Borg even though you're just ripped off of Amiga of
Borg and Macintosh of Borg.
CROW: Oh, bite me, Mac-boy!
MIKE: Guys, guys, calm down.

> The
> duo giggled.
> "Aw, no," Tails can be heard from a distance, "Borg humor."

MIKE: [ Tails ] Even though I have no idea what Borg is.
TOM: I am not of Borg. You will be separated. Resistance is encouraged!
CROW: I am Hillary Clinton of Borg. I will assimilate you fraudulently and
shred all the records of the diversion of your assets to my husband's
campaign.
MIKE: I am Shareware of Borg. You will be assimilated once you send in $99.
Press the 'Q' key after 30 seconds to continue.
CROW: So they know about Borg and Italy, but not Taco Bell?
TOM: I guess.

> Two seconds
> later, he was tackled by a pink enchida

CROW: Shouldn't that be "echnida"?
TOM: Same difference.
CROW: Oh, well-- huh?
MIKE: No, actually, it's a pink enchilada.
CROW: Oh, I-- wha?

> from behind. Suni said that her
> name was Chuckles,

ALL: [ laugh derisively ]

> Knuckles' kid sister.

MIKE: There, see, Tom? Just like I said a while ago.

> "I've heard of him. Do you know
> where he's at?" "Probably still at the floating island, for all I know,
> Sonic can tell you more, but there's some bad blood between the two."

TOM: [ Chuckles ] They're vampires.

> Suni changed the subject and got up close. "Y'now, Dave, I've been
> talking to Vixie, and we here wondering

CROW: [ Sonia/Suni ] How they get the ink into pens.
TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Where peanuts come from.
MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] Why Sonic the Hedgehog? Why why why *why* WHY Sonic the
Hedgehog already?!

> why humans-turned-foxes are so
> darned cute?"

MIKE: [ Sonia/Suni ] You know any?

> "I dunno, give us a built-in fur coat and a tail, and we
> become studs, I guess." She began to open up Davey's shirt and snuggle into
> his furry chest.

ALL: AAAAAAACK!!!

> She confessed to him that she's drawn

TOM: Well, it is a cartoon.

> to Foxes and Wolves,

TOM: Oh.

> but she was a bit worried about the age difference: She's a teen, while he's

MIKE: 97? Yeek!

> in his twenties. However, Davey said that he's
> not

CROW: Whoa, accidentally hit Enter a bit early there, eh?

> the kind of guy who'd take advantage of a girlfriend sexually,

TOM: Not that he's ever actually had a chance.

> especially one who can be classified as a minor in his world. That made her
> feel safe to trust him, and maybe she can get close for a little while.

CROW: Speeeew!

> "You know, Davey, you can be just a sweet and lovable teddy fox at times,"
> she said as they looked gray eye to red eye.

TOM: Red eyes? Ben Stein to the rescue! [ Ben Stein ] Dude.

> "Part of my charm," he said as

MIKE: The audience laughed their heads off in disbelief.
ALL: [ laugh their heads off in disbelief ]

> they touched noses. . . .
> DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET!

ALL: DEET-DEET-DET-DET-DEEET-DEET!
MIKE: Isn't that the rhythm to conga line music?

> "Aw, crud," Suni pouted.

TOM: [ Sonia/Suni ] Pout pout pout.

> That was an alarm from built-in pagers both
> Davey and Sonia have installed in their cyborg

MIKE: I am Spoofer of Borg. You will be assimilated anonymously.
CROW: I am Homeless of Borg. WILL ASSIMILATE FOR FOOD
TOM: I am Bill Gates of Borg. All other software companies will be
assimilated.
CROW: <th-b-b-b-p>

> parts.

TOM: Six.
CROW: Stop counting!
TOM: Oh, OK.

> Quite possibly, that
> was Sally calling everyone in for a meeting.
> "I swear, between her timing and her father's aim . . . .

MIKE: Lies obsession?

> <Taps on his
> control panel and activates the cellular phone> Talk to me, Sal."

CROW: [ Davey ] Or not.

> "I hate to break you two lovebirds up,

MIKE: [ Sally ] No, actually, I REALLY enjoy it! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

> but I'm assembling a meeting
> about that CD of Davey's,

CROW: BWAAAAARR!!!

> and to plan our next mission. . . "

MIKE: [ Sally ] We're gonna blow up the Death Egg.
BOTS: [ snicker ]
CROW: That just always makes me laugh.

[ MST3K planet bumper. Commercials ensue. ]

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End of part 3a of 9
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
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