MSTing on alt.games.doom!

[Mario A Calderon]

Well, it's NOT Mike and the bots, but it definitely is a sort of tribute
to the technique of MSTing. So if you're ALSO a fan of Doom (or are at
least familiar with it), you might enjoy this. Found it on alt.games.doom,
and I got a few chuckles out of it. Just goes to show how wonderfully
versatile MSTing can be!
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In article >1994Mar17....@exu.ericsson.se exu...@exu.ericsson.se
writes:


With all due respect and apologies to id and Mystery Science Theater 3000
I humbly present the following...


SCENE: The Shores of Hell, Command Center, the Marine is engaged in a
rocket battle with a Baron of Hell when an imp runs in carrying
a piece of paper.


Imp: Hey you guys, cool it. You've got to see this.

[Marine and Baron stop shooting and walk over to the imp]

Baron: What do you want.
Marine: This better be good.
Imp: Bite me. Just read this.

> From Cas...@MA2.SUN.AC.ZA (Cobus Rabe)
> Newsgroups: alt.games.doom
> Subject: Doom : Opening a Door to Hell
> Date: Tue, 15 Mar 1994 09:54:26 GMT


> This is a warning to all players of the game DOOM! I played the game one
> Friday night

Imp: Just one?
Marine: What great self control.
Baron: What a great self abuser is more like it.

> recently and after playing for approximately 15 minutes I was attacked by
> demons.

Marine: You played for 15 minutes before you were attacked by a demon!!??
What level where you playing on... please don't hurt me I'm a wuss??
Baron: Pretty much.

> And I don't mean the demons in the game; I'm talking about angels of
Satan.

Marine: ..the hell?? Angels of Satan?? Isn't that kind of like good
samaritans of the IRS?
Imp: Is he talking about us?
Baron: Bite me, Glass, I'm nobody's angel.

> DOOM is a virtual reality game, like WOLF 3D, and is capable of drawing
> people in and holding them captive; thus making them very susceptible to
> the kind of attack I experienced on Friday night.

Marine: I think cheap booze makes people susceptible to the kind of attack
you experienced.
Imp: Yeah, that Mad Dog will have you seeing "Angels of Satan" in no
time.

> To those of you taking this warning seriously;

Baron: Both of you.

> watch out for attacks by the following demons :

Baron: Jerry Falwell
Marine: Nancy Reagan
Imp: Ted Kennedy
Baron: Mr. Ed
I&M: Huh!!??
Baron: Well I'm sorry, but I always thought there was something a little
evil about a talking horse.

> Fear, Addiction, Aggression, and Frustration. These are the ones that
> attacked me.

Imp: War, pestilence, famine and death merely stood by and egged them on.

> My advice is this : ERASE THESE GAMES NOW!!!!

Marine: My advice is : You should really just relax.

> A further warning;

Baron: Always remember to wear clean underwear in case you're ever
attacked by a spectre.
Imp: Never stand beside a barrel when engaged in a duel with 20
former sergeants.

> from episode two upwards, take a look at the walls and the
> floors where you walk.

Marine: >tour guide voice If you'll look to your left you'll see the stains
left from when I toasted three spectres with just a chainsaw and 15%
health. And up ahead we have the famous room of lost souls where I
once...
Baron: Shut up.

> Notice anything;

Marine: Dead bodies.
Imp: Blood.
Baron: Ammunition.
Marine: Acid pools.
Baron: Small pieces of bread.

> pentagrams, goats heads and other satanic symbols. The game is full of
them!

Baron: You say that like it's a bad thing.

> That's all I have to say; please take it seriously!

> Richard Glass


Imp: There's something I don't understand about this rant. If he
only played for 15 minutes how did he know about all of the stuff
from episode two upwards?
Marine: Well, he never actually said he stopped playing after 15 minutes;
just that he was attacked by demons after 15 minutes.
Baron: Yeah, maybe he was so deep into the game he was able to shut out
all the distractions.
Imp: Okay, it's a stretch, but it's some sort of explanation.
However, explain for me, if you can, why he even bothered to
start the game if he's so upset by demonic symbols. It's obvious
from the readme file...
Baron: Like anyone that clueless is going to check the readme file.
Imp: ..or the FAQ...
Marine: Ditto.
Imp: ..that the game is full of demons, lost souls, barons of hell and
other minions of the deep.
Marine: Not to mention the fact the episodes are titled "Knee-deep in the
Dead", "The Shores of Hell" and "Inferno".
Baron: And the title screen has several images of less than pleasant
things.
Imp: Exactly. If you haven't figured out by the time you start the
game that it's not for the faint of heart then you're really too
stupid to live.
Baron: Pretty much.
Marine: You know, there's another possible explanation to this post.
Baron: And what pray tell might that be?
Marine: It could be a staged protest in order to create controversy over
the game which would lead to more publicity.
Imp: You mean like when Reverend Wildmon picketed against "The Last
Temptation of Christ"...
Baron: ...or the death threats against Salman Rushdie.
Marine: Exactly. By telling people that they shouldn't do something you
immediately perk up their interest in doing that thing.
Baron: But, all of the cool people already know that Doom is the hottest
thing going.
Marine: Yes, but when the commercial version comes out there will be a
whole bunch of people going into the local software store trying
to decide between "Leisure Suit Larry XXVII" and "Yet Even More
Obnoxious Lemmings". If they haven't heard of Doom they probably
won't buy it.
Imp: Good point. We should encourage the unwashed masses to buy
Doom so the guys at id will make buckets of money and be
encouraged to continue writing games.
Marine: Precisely.
Baron: Well, thanks for the info.
Imp: No problem. [imp leaves the room]

Baron: You realize of course I'm going to have to kill you now.
Marine: Bite me, big boy.

[Marine fires rocket, all hell breaks loose again, fade to black, screams
in the background.]

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Riffing concept borrowed from Mystery Science Theater 3000 which is the
property of Best Brains, Inc, which had nothing to do with this post.
Doom and its characters are borrowed from id, which also had nothing to do
with this post. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only and
is not intended as a personal attack on Richard Glass, Jerry Falwell,
Nancy Reagan, Ted Kennedy or Mr. Ed (well, maybe a personal attack against
Jerry Falwell). Floss daily. Always look both ways before crossing the
street.
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