MiSTied: From my mailbox...
Martin Kuhn
The following is my first attempt at a MiST'ing. Having enjoyed the over 100
MiST'ings which have been posted to this newsgroup over the last several
months (since people started doing this, anyway), I thought I should try
to contribute one of my own. I don't consider myself a great author by
any means, but I do think this thing turned out fairly well, actually.
Hope you find it at least mildly entertaining, anyway!
--Marty
---------------------------- clip 'n save 8< -------------------------------
[Aboard the SOL. Crow is sitting at a computer terminal. Typing noises
can be heard even though Crow's arms don't seem to be moving]
CROW: Hmm... what's with our news server on Earth? Let's see...
"ping news.deep13.com"... hmm... how about "ping deephurting.deep13.com"
hmm... [out loud] Hey guys! c'mere a minute! We've lost our network
connection!
[MIKE and TOM rush in]
MIKE: What? Have you been sending flames to newbies on
alt.tv.mst3k again??
CROW: No, Mike... well, I wouldn't really call them "flames"... What I
meant though is that our network connection is down! We're all alone
up here!!
TOM: AAAAHHH!!! Er, wait, we *are* aren't we?
MIKE: Now keep calm; let's just ask Gypsy if she knows anything about this.
[GYPSY appears]
GYPSY: I've already been working on it-- everything onboard the satellite
is A-OK! Must be a problem with the Mads' network. Too bad our only
feed is linked through them...
CROW: [in "panic" mode] This is terrible!! What am I going to do without
my net access?? No MUDS!! No rec.arts.tv.startrek--
TOM: You read those stupid fanboy startrek groups??
CROW: [somewhat nervous] Well, just a little; I mean, I just skim the topics
occasionally...
TOM: Sure, Crow...
MIKE: Hey! Wait a minute! I just thought of something!
CROW & TOM: What?
MIKE: If we don't have our network access, then the Mads can't send us any
of those rotten posts to read!
ALL: Yea!!! [everyone dances around, confetti falls from ceiling,
balloons and streamers suddenly appear everywhere. The Mad light starts
flashing, but no one seems to notice for a while due to the celebration]
MIKE: [finally notices flashing light] Hold up, guys, Dr. Herman Horne and
Strudelmeyer are calling. [hits button]
[Deep 13; wires seem to be strung around everywhere. FRANK can be seen in
the background; he appears to be soldering something in an electrical
wall box of some sort. His hands and arms are covered with bandages.
DR. F is in the foreground; he is wearing one of those combination
magnifier/flashlight goggles (currently flipped up on top of his head),
and his lab coat has lots of dirt/grease marks on it.]
DR. F: Hello, Orville the Spaceman... Hey-- what's with all the party decor??
You haven't been having *fun* again, have you??
[Back on SOL; everyone has stopped dancing; the balloons, steamers, and
confetti are all settling to the floor]
MIKE: No sir; we've just been wondering what happened to our network feed.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [looks rather puzzled for a second, then returns to normal] Well,
Frank and I are working on that right now. Seems that our attempt to
destroy the world's computers by connecting our ethernet link to the
hi-line from the local power plant backfired-- [FRANK groans in background]
[to FRANK] Oh, keep quiet, Frank; those skin grafts should be healed soon.
[to MIKE] Anyway, so now we have to rewire all of Deep 13.
[SOL]
MIKE: So I guess that means no post for today, huh? [all are grinning
expectantly]
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [sighs] That's right. No post for today.
[SOL]
ALL: YAAY! YIPPIE!! HOO!! [Party resumes in full force; balloons,
streamers, and confetti start raining down again]
DR. F: [camera stays on SOL; only voice is heard] However...
[MIKE and the 'bots continue dancing around, etc.]
DR. F: [louder] HOWever...
[still no response]
DR. F: [yelling] HOWEVER...
[party stops again]
MIKE: What?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: HOWever, we don't want you to get a day off just because of our little
problem, so we've sent you some old junk mail we've been saving for just
such an occasion. This may be plain old ordinary USPS snail-mail, but
there's nothing ordinary about *these* letters! [laughs evilly]
We deliver for you! Send them the letters, Frank!
[Frank walks over to Dr. Forrester, takes the letters, walks over to a
mailbox in the center of the room and deposits the letters inside. Frank
then pushes a button on top of the mailbox.]
[Back to SOL; lights flashing, buzzers go off, etc]
MIKE: We've got mail call sign!
[Door sequence]
[MIKE, TOM, and CROW are in the theater. There is a standard residential
mailbox on a post. MIKE opens the mailbox, and takes out a letter. The
letter is merely a legal-size sheet of paper folded in thirds and stapled
at one end. ]
MIKE: OK, here's the first one; may as well get this over with.
[MIKE unfolds sheet; it is a blue piece of paper with black and red printing
on it. Looks like a poster advertising an event of some sort]
MIKE: Cambot, put this up on still-store!
____________________
| .. |
| . XXXX XXXXXX |
| XXXXXXXX XXXX |
| /-------------\ |
| |"xxx xxxxx | |
| | xxxxx xxxxx"| |
| |.,. ,,,..,.,. | |
| |., ,, .;, ., | |
| \---, -/ |
| ,. .-/-mm#####| |
| ,, ----------- |
--------------------
TOM: Hey, it looks like an ad for a Christmas pageant or something; this
could be nice...
MIKE: I somehow doubt it-- remember, the *mads* sent us this.
[ed note: notes in square brackets within quoted text indicate font changes;
text has been formatted to approximate the positioning of the text on the
original advertisement. All wordings, including odd capitalizations, are
identical to the original ad.]
>[small italics]
> See the unbelievable,
TOM: Well, *I* certainly don't believe it.
> all new
CROW: All action!
> Indoor
>
>[very large bold; red]
> LIVE ANIMAL
> CHRISTMAS PLAY
CROW: Wait, is that the title??
TOM: Well, it *is* in the largest typeface on the page.
MIKE: How do you scan that anyway? I mean, which noun does the adjective
"live" modify anyway?
TOM: Well, so far, I think we can count out the "play" as being alive...
CROW: Then again, maybe "play" is a verb here...
>
>[large bold, red]
> "THE
> MAFIA
> FINDS CHRISTMAS"
ALL: Hahahahaha!
MIKE: Oh, come *on*!
TOM: I don't think there is anything we can say that will make that funnier
than it already is.
>
>[small]
> * All shown under the beautiful colors of Christmas by artificial light.
MIKE: Red holly! Green pine! White snow! and new frozen Blue faces!
TOM: Shown in the miracle of RCA Compatible Color!
>
> * A new play taking the best from previous plays and adding new exciting
> scenes.
TOM: "The best from previous plays?" What does that mean?
MIKE: Well, I guess that means something like taking scenes from plays like
"A Christmas Carol," and "Babes in Toyland" and combining them with
ones from "Cats," "West Side Story," and "You're a Good Man, Charlie
Brown."
TOM: More like "Les Miserables..."
>
> * Real live animals
CROW: As opposed to "Real dead animals"
TOM: or "Imaginary live animals..."
MIKE: Why do they keep stressing this "animals" thing anyway?
TOM: Maybe the ASPCA should be informed about this...
> in an indoor play
ALL: We *know* already!
> displaying the living scenes of
> Christmas in the Christmas Story.
>
TOM: Mike, how can they display the actual living scenes of the Christmas
story when it happened two thousand years ago?
MIKE: Well, I think they mean it in a figurative sense. Either that, or
I don't think I *want* to know what they mean...
TOM: I think I understand this "animals" thing now, though-- maybe there
aren't any humans involved in this play!
CROW: Or at least none who want to *admit* to it anyway.
> Now the area's most exciting Christmas event.
TOM: [dripping sarcasm] Oh, be still my beating heart!
MIKE: Y'know, that does imply that there *used* to be a more exciting
event in the area. I wonder what happened to it?
CROW: Perhaps the Mafia also found something else...
> Thousands have enjoyed
> this annual phenomenon. Make Christmas extra special for you and your
> family by attending.
MIKE: Oh, I think Christmas will be special enough without this...
TOM: Then again, we are all alone up here in space.
MIKE: That's true... Hmm....
> Don't miss it.
>
CROW: Don't worry, we will.
>
>[large]
> Experience the live flying angel
>
TOM: Saayyyyy...
CROW: Well, maybe I was all wrong about this! I didn't think it would be
*that* kind of show! I'd sure like to experience the live angel--
MIKE: [taps Crow] OK, that's enough. Y'know, that *is* rather
interestingly worded though. Not to mention the large typeface they
used.
>[large bold]
> Saturday, December 11
> 4 and 7 P.M.
>
> Sunday, December 12
> 10:00 A.M.
CROW: Rats! I think we missed it!
MIKE: Well, they didn't say what *year* this was...
>
>
>[medium italics]
> Marion Avenue Baptist Church
>[small]
> xxx xxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx
> xxxxxxxxxx, xxxx
> (xxx) xxx-xxxx
>
>[very small]
> Free Sunday bus service xxxxx xxxxx, Pastor
>
MIKE: Well now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
TOM: Yeah, actually, that was kind of fun.
CROW: I still want to experience that angel... heh heh heh...
[Door sequence]
[SOL "bridge;" A Christmas nativity scene has been set up; Christmas
decorations everywhere. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are dressed in colorful
robes and are apparently supposed to be the three Wise Men delivering
gifts to the baby Jesus. GYPSY's "head" hangs from the ceiling; paper
wings are attached to her "neck"-- she is apparently supposed to be the
angel.]
MIKE: OK, everyone ready to start our Christmas play?
TOM: But, Mike, it's April! It's not anywhere *near* Christmas!
CROW: Yeah, and where are the "real live animals?" Besides, Gypsy
doesn't make a very good angel.
GYPSY: [sad voice] Ooooh...
CROW: No offense, Gypsy.
GYPSY: OK.
[Commercial sign light flashes]
MIKE: Oh, we've got commercial sign... We'll be right back. [hits button]
------
[Commercial for "Mentoz," the new clear mint that gives fresh breath
and causes temporary speech impediments. ]
------
[Penn Jillette voice]
Starting next Sunday, Calm-eddy Scent Roll will begin its latest gimmick
event in a desperate attempt to increase viewership! It's called the
Calm-eddy Scent Roll Anti-Marathon! That's right-- one entire *week*
of nothing but regularly scheduled programs with no interruptions!
No tedious Saturday Night Live marathons! No annoying attempts to cover
Clinton speeches! No press conferences by unfunny obnoxious comedians
running for public office! Just pure, unadulterated, scheduled programming--
and every show will be run at its scheduled time-- so you can plan your
viewing of this amazing Anti-Marathon week! Here at Calm-eddy Scent Roll!
------
[Back on SOL; Christmas decorations have disappeared; everything back to
normal or its closest equivalent. All present. Mad call light is
flashing]
Mike: [hitting Mad light button] Hey! it's the Mads again.
[Deep 13. Still wires everywhere; only Dr. F is visible.]
DR. F: [grinning evilly] Well, Mikey-likes-it, how did you like your
first bowl of flakey Fruit Loops?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, actually, it wasn't that bad; that Christmas play ad was more
fun than painful.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [still grinning evilly] Oh, that's nice. Glad you liked it. Too
bad for you it won't last! Bwuhahahaha!!! [evil laugh]
[SOL]
MIKE: Say, where's Frank?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Hmm? Oh, he said he was going to get cleaned up or something; I'm
not sure. Anyway, here comes another bowl, Mr. "life serial!"
[SOL; movie-sign light flashing, buzzer noises]
MIKE: It's mail-call sign again!
ALL: Aaagh!
[door sequence]
[In theater]
MIKE: [takes an envelope from the mailbox] Well, so far, this looks
pretty ordinary. The return address says it's from some company or
something called "Together." [ed note: quoted text which is enclosed
in square brackets indicates text which was italicized in the original
letter]
>--------
>| | TOGETHER Confidential
>| | The Intelligent Choice Personal Survey Questionnaire
>--------
CROW: Confidential? Should we be reading this? Maybe I should leave...
MIKE: Shush; I'm sure it's alright.
>
>DEAR SINGLE FRIEND:
CROW: See? There's more than one of us, and this letter is only addressing
one single person. I guess I can leave then. [starts to get up to leave]
TOM: Yeah, I'm going too. [also gets up to leave]
MIKE: C'mon, you can't leave. [grabs bots and pulls them back to their
seats.] Besides, this letter is addressing us as "friends", and I'm not
so sure I *want* to be this guy's friend.
>Sit back and take a few moments to consider if you are content with the
>conventional ways you have been meeting people of the opposite sex.
CROW: uh...
TOM: I'm not sure this applies to us robots.
MIKE: Well, we *do* get to meet people who happen to visit the satellite
from time to time, but I guess that really doesn't count as
*conventional*...
> If you
>are [not happy] with your current situation, carefully [read] and
>[evaluate] each of the following questions.
CROW: Well, *I'm* perfectly happy; I guess I'll just leave... [starts to
leave again]
MIKE: Get back here Crow... [pulls CROW back by his "net"]
>This will help you focus on some areas that most people rarely consider.
TOM: [announcer voice] Like how their body hair always seems to remain the
same length, while the hair on top of their heads keeps growing!
>
> MEN & WOMEN
> -----------
>
>YES NO
>
>__ __ 1. Are you in a [dead end] relationship or in a relationship
> of [convenience]?
TOM: Convenience? Is that like two people who meet at a 7-11?
>__ __ 2. Are you [tired] of meeting people, who in the beginning
> say they are everything you want,
MIKE: I don't know; I don't think any of the women I've met came up to me
and said "Hi there! I'm everything you want!"
> then you find out within
> six months or a year, that they [are a totally different
> person]?
CROW: Oh, you mean like a werewolf or some kind of shapechanger?
TOM: Maybe it's something like Glenn Manning...
>__ __ 3. Are you [tired] of trying to figure out where [quality]
> people go to meet one another?
MIKE: "Quality people??" What, is this company owned by Donald Trump??
>__ __ 4. Are you [tired]
CROW: Uh, oh, I think I'm beginning to see a trend here...
> of joining all the different types of [clubs],
TOM: Like the Mickey Mouse Club?
MIKE: Maybe that Telly Savalas "Players Club."
CROW: More likely "Hair Club For Men..."
> in the hopes of meeting that [special person]
MIKE: [Mister Rogers voice] Won't you be my special neighbor?
> -- and all you
> have done is [spent] a lot of [money] and [wasted your time]?
TOM: Y'know, the writer here really seems to like randomly italicizing
words...
CROW: You don't suppose this is one of McElwaine's kin or something?
ALL: AAAHHHHH!!!
MIKE: No, wait, if that were true, we'd be seeing more dollar $ign$.
>__ __ 5. Are you
CROW: let me guess... "tired?"
> too [busy]
CROW: D'oh!
TOM: Well, maybe it isn't a trend after all.
> and/or do not like the [bar scene]
MIKE: I don't like the bar scene. Let's just fast-forward to the car-chase
scene.
TOM: *I* want to see the scene where the Creepy Girl shows up.
CROW: Scene it! Taped it! Hated it!
> , but
> would really like to find that [special person]?
MIKE: Here's that Mister-Rogerian wording again!
CROW: Well, actually, maybe the writer just likes the Church Lady...
>__ __ 6. Are you [tired]
MIKE: I'm afraid this really *IS* a trend! Help!
> of having your [intelligence insulted] by
TOM: Junk mail like this?
> the games you have to play to meet someone [special]?
TOM: Oh, you mean like checkers? or Monopoly?
CROW: [laviciously] or *Twister*?
MIKE: Watch it, Crow...
>__ __ 7. Are you [tired]
TOM: ...of this survey? YES!!
> of meeting men/women
CROW: "men/women?" Do they mean people like Mr B. Natural?
TOM: I *hope* not!
MIKE: Who's Mr B. Natural?
TOM: You *don't* want to know.
> whom you [fall in love]
> with and then [discover] that you are not the only one in
> his/her life?
MIKE: Well, this one girl I knew-- I later found out there were others in
her life-- like her mom, and dad, and her cat, and her best friend Suzy.
>__ __ 8. Do you feel [unsafe] with the conventional methods of meeting
> people?
TOM: Unsafe??? What's there to be unsafe about? Mike, do humans tend to
push people off cliffs or hit them on the heads with big hammers or
something?
MIKE: Well, it's not quite that sort of "unsafe."
CROW: At least the writer didn't start the sentence with "Are you tired..."
>
> WOMEN
> -----
>
>__ __ 1. Are you tired
ALL: YESSSS!
CROW: Hey look! The writer forgot to italicize the word "tired!"
of meeting that "[terrific]" man who
> immediately (and aggressively) insists on spending the night
> (whether or not you comply) and then never calls you back.
CROW: Maybe you're not in his "calling circle." Get him to switch to AT&T.
TOM: Also, shouldn't there the a question mark at the end of that sentence?
MIKE: Myself, I think what's more interesting is that the writer figures
that date rape is something to merely get "tired of..."
>__ __ 2. Are you [tired]
TOM: *Very*!
MIKE: (excitedly) "I got tired... at Target!"
CROW: Huh?
of all the [wrong men] approaching you, and
> you having to say, "[no thank you]" and the man you would
> like to meet never approaches?
TOM: [announcer voice] Then you need new improved Secret deodorant!
Strong enough for a man, and makes... women smell strong too!
CROW: What are you, plant life?
MIKE: --Instead of potatoes! Oops, wrong commercial.
>
> MEN
> ---
>
>__ __ 1. When you see a woman you are [attracted] to, do you get
> get tired of that little voice in your head saying,
MIKE: "Get a world-class sports car!"
TOM: hehehe
CROW: [Minnesotan lady voice] Oh, my, yes; I was at the Hy-Vee the other
day and it was like this little voice was in my head saying to get some
of those little bratwurst things with the cheese inside 'em don't 'cha
know, and I got over to the meat department, and what d' ya' know, they're
on special this week! I told Matilda Applebee about it and she thinks
I'm psychic, don't 'cha know...
> "[is
> she married]?, where is the [ring on her finger]?,
TOM: Uh, on her finger perhaps?
> how
> should I act?,
CROW: How should I know? Maybe you should take an acting class.
> should I lie back and [be cool] or come
> on and [be aggressive]? etc...etc..."?
TOM: Oh! Multiple choice! OK-- I pick... "lie back!" no wait... "be
aggressive!" no wait, uh, can I change my answer?
CROW: I pick "etc...etc..."
MIKE: Hey, there's nowhere to put the answer on this thing anyway!
>__ __ 2. Are you [tired]
MIKE: you are getting veerrry sleeeppy...
TOM: you will send this company allll youurr mooonnneeeeey...
> of worrying about what to say to a woman
> when you first meet
MIKE: How about "hello?"
CROW: Or just "Hi."
TOM: No, that's what that little car says to you in those advertisements.
CROW: Oh... OK, how about "Hey good lookin'-- your place or mine?"
MIKE: Maybe not...
CROW: Well, it worked in that old Ronco ad...
> and [then hoping] she doesn't think
> it's a pick-up line?
TOM: A pick-up line? You mean like GMC Trucks?
CROW: Well, that's too general; they make large trucks too. How about
Dodge Ram?
MIKE: I'm not sure that's what the writer had in mind...
>
>If you answered yes to any of these questions,
TOM: You may have already won Ten Million Dollars!!
> take this opportunity to fill
>out the reverse side and mail it back in the [self-addressed postage paid
>envelope".
TOM: [dripping sarcasm] Ohhh, *may* I?
> TOGETHER will share with you how you can meet [compatible people]
>who are [right for you].
CROW: I guess that's why they call it TO-GET-HER!!! Ha-ha!
MIKE: Very good, Crow!
> It is a straightforward approach to [finding,
>meeting]
TOM: ...hunting, stalking, killing,
> and getting to know
MIKE: Geo!
> a variety of [fantastic] and [attractive people]
CROW: Along with some mediocre and just-plain-ugly people...
>who share a common goal-- to fall
CROW: ..in bed--
MIKE: Crow!
> [in love] with a compatible partner.
TOM: Or, if you prefer, a Macintosh partner.
>
>Until now there really hasn't been an easy [sure way to connect]
CROW: "connect!" wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no mo--ummpff!
MIKE: [holding CROW's beak closed] That's two, Crow!
> with
>[compatible people] who meet your [expectations].
TOM: [announcer voice] ...and there still isn't!
> TOGETHER is a personal
>resource for [confidentially screening] thousands of potential people
TOM: Mike, what's a "potential person?"
MIKE: I'm not sure; I think that's an issue that's been in debate a lot
though.
CROW: Actually, wouldn't a "potential person" be someone with a zinc outer
skin and a copper (or carbon) inner structure with some sort of acidic
fluid inbetween?
TOM: [announcer voice] Next week: "Potential Person meets with Resistance!"
> who
>are [compatible] with you to meet and date. We are conducting the most
>extensive search for eligible singles ever undertaken.
CROW: I guess that means they're conducting it in a cemetery!! heh-he...
heh... uh, get it? uh, "undertaken?" uh...
TOM: Sorry, Crow, it just wasn't that funny.
> This letter is part
>of our search.
TOM: ...a useless part, but still, a part.
> Since TOGETHER [reaches millions] of people each month,
TOM: we get more and more suckers to send lots of cash to us all the time!
>we provide a continuous stream of [new people] for our membership to meet
>and fall in love with, for a [long term relationship].
>
>Upon receipt we will
TOM: ...get a good chuckle after looking over your pitiful application.
> [evaluate] the results and
CROW: ...the series of blackmail letters begins!
> [invite you] to see first
>hand how easy it is to meet [quality single people].
MIKE: See? I bet Donald Trump is behind all this.
TOM: Does Donald Trump randomly italicize words though?
CROW: Yeah, it sounds more like a McElwaine project.
> So, if you have
TOM: [announcer voice] ...any self-esteem left, throw this letter out now!
>answered [yes to any] of the questions
CROW: ...seek professional help immediately!
> [don't hesitate],
ALL: Oh, *we* won't!
> fill out and mail
>it in [today] and [you are on your way].
MIKE: On my way *where*?
TOM: To the land of italics, I guess...
>
>Sincerely,
MIKE: I'll *bet* they are.
> TOGETHER
>
> Brian Pappas P.S. If you are married or in a
> President relationship, please pass this
> on to a single friend.
TOM: I'm surprised they only want you to pass this on to *one* person.
CROW: Ok, that's it.. I guess we're done! The other side of this page is
just that stupid application thingie, and we're certainly not going to
fill *that* out... [starts to get up to leave, but MIKE is holding him
back] are we?... [tries again; MIKE still holding on] ARE we? [tries
again, Mike still holding on] *ARE* we?? [still holding on] (pause)
AAAAAGGGGHH!!
TOM: But *why* Mike?
MIKE: Well, as silly as this thing is, I was just thinking about how *I*
never get to meet any women now that I'm trapped in this satellite.
CROW: But there was Nuveena... (shudder)
TOM: Yeah, and what would you do even if you got to meet a female anyway?
It's not like there are any scavenger sales to set up or anything...
CROW: What, we're just not good enough for you anymore?? (*sniff*)
MIKE: Take it easy, guys, you 'bots are great; it's just that sometimes
we humans need ... other types of companionship.
CROW: Like what?
MIKE: Well,... it's a human thing; I don't think you'd understand. Now,
c'mon, let's stand up tall and finish this letter. I doubt these
TOGETHER people will send a date *this* far anyway...
TOM: OK, Yeah! Let's go! C'mon Crow, we've got to do this to help Mike!
CROW: (looking more cheerful) Yeah! You're right Tom! We've got to
help Mike!
MIKE: That's the spirit! Now, let's have a look at the back of this letter!
>
>
>
>TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF...
>-------------------------
>
>1. What is your marital status? __ single __ divorced __ widowed
> __ legally separated
MIKE: let's see... uh, OK. Got it.
CROW: Wait, what did you put down for that one?
TOM: Yeah...
MIKE: Sorry. If I let the answer out of the bag, it will significantly
reduce the number of articles on our newsgroup...
>2. Are you new to this area? __ yes __ no If yes, from where?_________
MIKE: Uh, "yes." from? "Earth."
>3. What is your educational background? __ high school __ college
> __ University __ Master's __ Ph.D
TOM: What, no "grade school" choice?
CROW: Given the mentality of this thing, perhaps a "toilet trained" would
be even more appropriate.
TOM: Or perhaps a "Sally Struthers Correspondence School" choice.
MIKE: Guys, guys... cut it out...
>4. Are you employed? __ full time __ part time __ no
MIKE: Definitely "full time."
TOM: You can say that again.
MIKE: Oh, can I? (clears throat, then looks confused) I forgot what it was
I was going to say...
CROW: Mike, that _Fawlty_Towers_ reference just didn't quite work right.
Are you *sure* you're OK?
> What is your current occupation?________________________________
TOM: "Lab rat!" he he he...
CROW: No, wait, it's "Orbiting whipping boy!" hehehe!
MIKE: I think I'll put down "Astronaut..."
>5. Income: __ under $15,000 __ $15,000 to $25,000 __ $25,000 to $35,000
> __ $35,000 to $50,000 __ $50,000 to $75,000
> __ $75,000 to $100,000 __ $100,000+
MIKE: Uh oh...
TOM: What?
MIKE: Well, we don't get paid to be up here...
CROW: We *don't*???
TOM: Wait a minute; is Happy Temps still sending you paychecks on Earth?
MIKE: Hey! I forgot about that! Thanks!
>6. What are your relationship goals? __ casual dating
> __ long-term relationship __ marriage
CROW: *I* choose "one night stands"! Rrrowwww!!
>7. How long have you considered an alternative way of meeting people?_______
TOM: uh, 10 seconds?
>8. What encouraged you to fill out this questionnaire?______________________
CROW: Well, these mad scientists who shot us into space made us read....
>
>
>TELL US ABOUT THE PERSON YOU WOULD LIKE TO MEET...
>--------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Wait a minute... That's *it*?? That's all they wanted to know about
*me*???
TOM: Well, you gotta admit, those questions really, uh, provided a lot of
details about the "real you"...
CROW: Yeah! If anyone out there was looking for an underpaid, overworked
spaceman, they'd know just who to call!
>
>1. Which age group do you prefer dating? from ____ to ____
> __ doesn't matter
CROW: How about ages "7" to "13" heh heh heh...
MIKE: Uh, that's not very nice, Crow.
>2. Would you like to meet someone who has children? __ yes __ no
> __ doesn't matter
CROW: Yeah! And the children too! heh heh heh...
MIKE: You're asking for one *big* timeout, Crow...
>3. What minimum educational background do you prefer?
> __ high school __ some college __ college degree
> __ Bachelor's degree __ Master's degree __ Ph.D
> __ doesn't matter
CROW: "Must have been elected Posture Queen in grade school health class."
>4. Are you interested in someone who smokes? __ yes __ no
> __ doesn't matter
TOM: Smokes? Why would I want to meet someone who's self-combusting?
MIKE: That's not what that meant. Well, not really, anyway.
>5. What areas of compatibility would you like to share with someone?
> __ competitive sports __ outdoor persuits
> __ cultural activities __ dancing __ music
> __ other interests____________________________________________
TOM: "If you like pi~\na coladas..."
MIKE: "...rainy days and Mondays..."
CROW: "...when I think about you I touch my--uhllp!!" [MIKE grabs CROW's
beak]
MIKE: Alright, that's enough out of you... [MIKE ties CROW's beak closed
with a handkerchief which just so happened to be around]
>6. What height range do you prefer? from ____ to ____
> __ doesn't matter
TOM: how about "over 40'"
CROW: Why?
TOM: Well, I've always wanted the 50 Foot Woman to stop by and visit...
>7. What qualities do you look for in a person of the opposite sex? _________
CROW: [trying desperately to loosen the gag on his beak] HmmMM!
MMwwmmmMMMmmMMMfff!! MMMMfff!!
MIKE: OK, Crow, we're at the end of this thing anyway, so I'll remove
your gag *if* you promise to not say anything else about that last line!
[removes gag]
CROW: Ahhh... thanks, Mike...
>
>
>IMPORTANT: All spaces below must be complete in order for us to provide
>you with more information.
TOM: Especially the space inside your head!
>
>Name____________________________________ Age________ __ Male __ Female
>Telephone (___)___________ Work (___)__________ Today's Date______________
>Address______________________ City________________ State_____ Zip__________
>Typical Work Hours_______________ What is the best time to reach you?______
>
MIKE: Ok, let's see... "Mike Nelson"... "Male" ... telephone? uh,
"contact available through Deep 13, Dr. Clayton Forrester, MAds4-1313,"
..."Satellite of Love"...state?...uh..."stable"...ok...got it...
uh...hours...mmm..."variable"...uh...mmmm...OK! Finished!
CROW: It's about time!
TOM: It's about space! ... Well, actually, I guess it is...
MIKE: Let's get out of here!
[door sequence]
[SOL "bridge"]
MIKE: Well, that was some "survey," wasn't it? Just a bunch of questions
on the front designed to make people feel they are "above the norm" and
choose the affirmative regardless of their actual past behavior, no?
TOM: Yeah, and what about all those italicized words?
CROW: Are you [tired], Tom? [TOM shudders]
MIKE: Actually, I'll bet those italicized words must be a trigger for
some sort of subliminal message. Let's see what happens if we just
extract out all the italicized words in the letter. Cambot, list them
up on the still store!
[CAMBOT displays the following list: ]
not happy read evaluate dead end convenience tired are a totally
different person tired quality tired clubs special person spent
money wasted your time busy bar scene special person intelligence
insulted special tired fall in love discover unsafe terrific tired
wrong men no thank you attracted is she married ring on her finger
be cool be aggressive tired then hoping self-addressed postage paid
envelope compatible people right for you finding meeting fantastic
attractive people in love sure way to connect compatible people
expectations confidentially screening compatible reaches millions
new people long term relationship evaluate invite you quality
single people yes to any don't hesitate today you are on your way
MIKE: Hmm... what do you think, Tom and Crow?
TOM: *I* say [announcer voice] if you think you know what Cambot just
showed us actually means, jot it down on a piece of paper, then throw
it away! You'll be glad you did! Over to you, Mike!
MIKE: Say, that list reminds me; where's that "self-addressed postage-paid
envelope" to send my application in?
CROW: Hmm... [looking in letter envelope] there's nothing else in the
envelope the letter came in!
MIKE: Here, let me see... Hey, the self-addressed postage-paid envelope
is missing! Oh, wait... You don't suppose...?
TOM: Oh, no!
CROW: *This* should be interesting...
[Coincidently, the Mad Call light starts flashing...]
MIKE: Oops, John and Marsha are calling... [hits button]
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [grinning smugly] Soooo, going to try using a dating service,
eh, Hef? Just remember, no visitors after 10pm, OK? Oh, Frank?
[no response] Frank? [still no response] Hmm, I wonder where Frank
could be... [doorbell rings]
[FRANK comes running into view; camera pulls back to reveal FRANK running
toward the vault-like entrance to Deep 13. FRANK is wearing a suit and
tie and has his hair combed back; he is also carrying a bouquet of flowers]
FRANK [excitedly] I'll get it!
DR. F: [Turns around, sees FRANK] Just what do you think *you're*
doing, Frank??
FRANK: It's my mystery date!
DR. F: [pauses a second, then suddenly changes expression as he realizes
what probably happened] Frank! You didn't send in an application to that
dating service from that letter I sent up to Mike, *did you?*
FRANK: Well... uh... you know, I was feeling lonely, and... uh...
DR. F: [fake sympathy] Oh, so you were feeling lonely... aww, gee, that's
too bad-- [angry; shouting] I'll show you *lonely*!... I'll-- I'll deal
with you later! Go answer the door!
FRANK: [shrinking back] Yes... I'll... go get... the door...
[FRANK walks to door, opens it]
FRANK: [to person at door; person is not within camera view] Hi! You
must be Bea. I'm Frank! [to DR. F] Hey! Dr. Forrester! Come over here
and meet Bea!
DR. F: [somewhat exasperated] Ok, ok... [walks over to door; as he does,
FRANK is motioning BEA to come inside; we can now see BEA. She looks,
well, vaguely familiar...]
FRANK: Dr. Forrester, meet Bea. Bea, meet Dr. Forrster.
DR. F: [to BEA] Charmed, I'm sure. Say, have we met before? You look
familiar somehow... Uh, what's your last name? I didn't quite catch
it.
BEA: [overly cheerful] Why, I'm Miss Bea Natural! Sure we've met--
knew your father, I did! Frank and I are going to have fun! fun! fun!!
DR. F: That's nice, I-- [face drops to the floor in realization] uh oh.
[DR. F looks paralyzed]
FRANK: [beaming with joy ] Oh, yeah! I've heard of your brother, Mr. B.
Natural!
BEA: That's right! He's my identical twin brother.
DR. F: [still stiff with dread] well... that would... explain a lot...
uh, Frank?
FRANK: [still beaming] Yes, boss?
DR. F: Excuse me a moment. [slowly walks toward the camera for a few
seconds, then looks at the camera and suddenly screams and runs off,
still screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
FRANK: Gee, what's with Dr. F? Say, Bea, what say we go to that band
concert?
BEA: Alright! And while we're there, I'll introduce you to my family!
FRANK: [turns around toward the camera, smiles, waves at the camera, then
reaches over and pushes the button.]
\ /
PWOOSH! - x -
/ \
[screen goes blank]
FRANK: So, Bea, could you give me some lessons on playing my accordion?
[Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 "love theme" plays, credits start rolling]
[theme song gets interrupted by VO (voice over)]
VO: [Penn Jillette voice] You've been reading [deep voice] *Mystery Usenet
Theater 3000* [back to normal Penn voice] on Calm-eddie Scent Roll.
Coming up next, "Zima's Z-Lizt" hosted by Gallager. Then stay tuned
for "Stand-Up-Short-Attention-Span-London-Comics-Underground-Only-Theater"
followed by yet another mediocre episode of _Saturday_Night_Live_ with
any potentially funny sketches edited out. Keep reading Calm-eddie
Scent Roll, the only all calm-eddie network!
[theme song continues]
> Experience the live flying angel
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MiST'ing copyright 1994 by Martin Kuhn. "Live Animal Christmas Play"
and "Confidential Personal Survey Questionaire" may be copyrighted by
their corresponding companies; no permissions have been implied or
expressed, etc. etc. You may post this article electronically,
print it out, use it to line bird cages, etc. provided it is done
without profit or other monetary gain and this notice is kept intact.
Characters and settings property of Best Brains, Inc. No permissions
are implied or expressed, but I hope they don't mind...
Any similarities between "Calm-eddie Scent Roll" and any actual cable
television channel are purely coincidental. :-)
This article is intended for humorous purposes only and is not intended
to insult or slander any authors or companies responsible for the quoted
text in the article. As far as I know, the Christmas play described was
well done and enjoyed by all, and the services of Together, Inc. are
perfectly worthwhile. This article is also not intended to be considered
an insult to those patrons of these products/services.
Got it? Get it. Good.
Spatch
--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | "It's all fun until somebody dies!"
|/ \| - Gypsy, "Outlaw"