[MiSTied] - NAMING OF THE ELEMENTS
Michael K. Neylon
Not that there funny in the first place, but for sack of
the lack of jokes that I could find for them.
------
[DEEP 13 - Dr. F is sitting at a card table that is elegantly laid out
for a breakfast, with fine china, glassware, and a lacy tablecloth.
Dr. F is reading a paper, and frequently sips at a glass of orange
juice.]
DR.F: [shouting to off screen] Frank! Where are my eggs?!
[Frank enters, wearing a french maid outfit on top of his normal black
jacket, and carrying a tray of food.]
FRANK: Sorry, your evil-ness. [starts putting the plates on the table]
Two eggs, poached, three strips of bacon, two slices of toast,
and a dan...
[Suddenly, Dr.F jumps up, still looking at the paper. This causes the
table to go flying as well as Frank, and we hear several the
cracking of the breaking dishes. But Dr.F is ignorant of this,
and is dancing around D13]
DR.F: He's back! He's back! He's back!
[Frank gets up, covered with the mess from the breakfast]
FRANK: Who's back?
DR.F: [pauses his dance long enough to talk to Frank] Only the single-most
person that I ever would admit to being inferior to. The only
human on this earth who's evil-ness surpasses mine. The only
being that can strike fear and terror into the hearts of his
unwilling victims!
FRANK: Elvis?
DR.F: [whacks Frank on the head with the paper] No, you fool! Ahh, this
will make an excellent experiment for our young friend up there.
[looks around frantically] Scissors, I need scissors...
FRANK: [pulls out a pair from the apron] Here you go, Doctor. But who
are you talking about?
DR.F: [hastily grabs the scissors from Frank, and cuts out something from
the paper.] No time for that now, Frank. [returns the scissors
by stabbing them into Frank's side.] Now quick! To the scanner!
[Really looking crazed by this point]
FRANK: [looks down at the scissors, then shrugs] But Doctor, we don't have
a scanner.
DR.F: Well, then, Frank, you better be able to live up to your 80 words
per minute that you put on your resume.
FRANK: [worried] Ummm...ummm...
[Commercial break]
[Sally Struthers: 'Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do!
Just call 1-800-COLLECT and find out how.]
[End Commercial]
[Satellite of Love - Mike and bots are around the table, looking pretty
darn tired. Mike has his head in a towel, and wears a bathrobe
over his jumpsuit. Crow has his 'hair' down and in rollers.
Tom has a shower cap on and is also in a robe. Mike is sipping
at some coffee.]
CROW: So, what did happen this morning?
MIKE: Well, the Mads called me fifteen minutes ago and told me to be ready
ASAP. Frank really didn't say anymore. I think he was in pain
from that pair of scissors in his side.
TOM: That's it?
MIKE: Well, that, and that I really didn't know that they made French
maid outfits that large.
CROW & TOM: Ewwwwwwww!
[Mad Light flashes]
MIKE: Ah, Pauli and Heinsburg are calling. [hits button]
[D13]
DR.F: [right up to screen. Hair is a bit more chaotic than before] No time
for chit-chat, Thunderthighs.
[SoL]
MIKE: Hey, I'm not fat...
[D13]
DR.F: Whatever. Anyway, my willing subjects, get ready for *pure evil*.
[short burst of laughter with abrupt end. Holds up newspaper
article] See this? No, its not 'Dear Abby', its not even the
editorials. No, Pink Boy, its your worst nightmare!
[SoL]
CROW: What the heck is he talking about about?
MIKE: I don't know, Crow. What could be so scary about a newspaper article?
[D13]
DR.F: Let me give you a hint. It has to do with chemistry.
[SoL - panic has now ensued. Tom and Crow are screaming left and right
and losing parts as they go along. Mike is still drinking coffee
and looking a little confused.]
MIKE: Yea, and so? Is it another attempt at cold fusion?
[D13]
DR.F: You only wish. No, Mr. Nelson, this article describes the attempts
of one Mr. Ludwig Plutonium to change the entire scientific
community's way of thinking.
[SoL - still panicing]
MIKE: Oh, yea, the 'bots showed me some of his stuff. He's funny. The
entire universe in an atom of plutonium, and all. Really
cute.
[D13]
DR.F: We'll see what you think after you suffer through this. Send
them the article, Frank. And some Dramamine...you may get a
little car...I mean, *isotope* sick after this one. [hysterical
laughter]
[SoL]
MIKE: It can't be all that bad.
CROW: [in between screams] Trust us, Mike...
TOM: [in between screams] ...it's bad.
[Lights flash]
MIKE: Ahhh! We've got net.loon sign!
...6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike enters theater alone]
MIKE: Come on, you two. You're missing it.
CROW: [offscreen] No, I'm not coming.
TOM: [offscreen] It's too horrible to think about, Mike. Can't I just
clean out the ventilation system?
MIKE: No, you two. I'll sit through it if you sit through it.
>From: Ludwig.P...@dartmouth.edu (Ludwig Plutonium)
>Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.chem,sci.bio,sci.math,alt.sci.physics.plutonium
>Subject: 1.NAMING OF THE ELEMENTS, RE:THE NEW YORK TIMES 11OCT94
>Date: 11 Oct 1994 23:30:41 GMT
>Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH
[Slowly, Crow and Tom enter. Mike helps Tom over to his seat]
CROW: Ok, Nelson. We'll deal, but only if you promise us a RAMChip
afterwards.
TOM: Or at least another stab at the Candy Stash.
MIKE: Fine, fine. I don't see what you two are all worried about though.
>Lines: 392
>Message-ID: <37f771$l...@dartvax.dartmouth.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: at-1-sn-126.dartmouth.edu
>X-Posted-From: InterNews 1....@dartmouth.edu
>Xref: sci.physics:93147 sci.chem:28090 sci.bio:21229 sci.math:79848
MIKE: See, look, these are all intellectual groups. Forrester wouldn't
find anyone crazy enough on those group.
TOM: Unfortunately, those groups are home to Dr. Plutonium.
MIKE: Oh.
> NAMING OF THE ELEMENTS,
CROW: [Old Minn. ladies voice] Oh, I think this isotope of hydrogen
just screams 'Joshua'.
TOM: [OML] Oh, you are so right, Martha.
> RE: NEW YORK TIMES 11OCT94
MIKE: See, it's even a reputable source.
CROW: Don't count your chickens yet, Nelson.
> page C12 tells how
>seaborgium was removed as a name. The title of the article is " Element
>Is Stripped of Its Namesake ".
TOM: What did seaborgium ever do to deserve such a fate?
> I am glad that PLuto has stirred.
MIKE: Wha..at? Since when does the movement of a planet affect the
naming scheme of the elements
TOM: We warned you, Nelson. It's not as simple as you thought.
> I am glad that humility, humbleness
>is called for.
CROW: So why are you bragging?
> The USA Berkeley has spent the last ten years in trying
>to name an element after Seaborg, and Germany's Darmstadt has excelled
>the USA in that time.
TOM: It's "Invasion USA" all over again!
> IMO, if Seaborg and Ghiorso had concentrated more
>on chemistry than on naming an element, then Berkeley would now still
>be leading the pack.
TOM: [announcer] And coming around the home stretch, its Berkeley, followed
by She My Gal and Long Shot in thrid. And as they make the
turn, its...OH MY GOODNESS, Berkeley has stopped in the middle of
the track, and falls behind the leaders. Oh, what a fatal
mistake for Berkeley.
> IMO, both Seaborg and Ghiorso ought to resign from
>Berkeley, and newer, young blood ought to run the show out there.
MIKE: Yea! Hire some preschools for the heads of major chemistry
departments! Down with seniority!
> There
>is only one fact to explain. Why is Darmstadt all of a sudden leading
>the world in nucleosynthesis?
CROW: But what about Don and Lisa? Will they ever get married? And
what about Jim? Is he still alive?
> Not whether we have seaborgium or
>ghiorsoium.
MIKE: Bless you. Oh wait, he actually meant that last name.
> PLuto likes humility and sacrifice.
TOM: Could you please explain more about this PLuto guy you keep
talking about?
CROW: Yea, he seems like a real wimp from what you've told us.
> This will be the naming of the
>elements. More accurately nonnaming.
MIKE: Wha..at? How can naming be non-naming?
> Because the names will be used
>only when the notation is inappropriate.
MIKE: Oh, that clears it up really well.
> This list is tentative but the
>basic pattern and idea is there.
> I hereby make these formal demands of the worldwide science
>community
CROW: Otherwise, I'll hold my breath until you do!
> to denote the elements firstly by a spiral (the @ symbol on
>keyboard or star (the five pointed hand-drawn star) or asterisk on
>computer keyboard. (In the future there will be a special symbol for
>the spiral or the 5 point star just for this purpose.)
TOM: Geez, I'm already seeing enough stars from reading this article,
and now you want me to look at more?
> And also, the
>isotopes/elements must be easily recognized over all other words. This
>I have done by replacing the familiar Latin neuter case of "ium" with
>the % symbol for the "iu" part. It can be pronounced in various ways.
>The usual pronouncement of % will be the familiar "ium" ending.
CROW: %....%....%....%....%....
TOM: What are you doing?!
CROW: I'm meditating, based on Ludwig's new scheme ... %....%....%...
> Thus,
>plutonium is now pluton%m, and thorium is now thor%m. Some of the
>isotopes/elements have numbers in them. For example, 6@3 lithi7.5%m and
>7@3 lithi92.5%m. Those numbers indicate the relative abundance of those
>isotopes of lith%m.
CROW: So, um, how are we supposed to pronounce these names now that
they've got numbers in them?
MIKE: Oh, just like with "John_-_Winston".
CROW: ARRRGGH! I could never get the hang of that. My "_-_" always
came out like "-_-".
> Again, I repeat, the reason for the above is so
>that the isotopes/elements as words are readily distinguishable over
>all other words.
TOM: But of course, he's neglecting the added confusion that it will
generate.
> Thus the element pluton%m is @94. The denotation of an isotope is
>thus 231@94. The numbers with the spiral/star are to be used at all
>times.
MIKE: Hmm, why do I think enforcing this will be similar to that warning
on mattresses?
> The names of the isotopes or elements are to be used only when
>pragmatic or convenience dictates. Otherwise the star denotation is to
>be used by all means. Again, I repeat, use the number with spiral/star
>notation whenever possible.
CROW: But, please, only in the cases of complete *stupidity!*
> The naming of the isotopes will use the following scheme. My future
>successors will add on to the list below.
CROW: AHHH! Ludwig plans to have children!
ALL: AHHHH!
> Since this list is too long,
>I will post it in sections. All present day deviations from my preset
>scheme will in the future all revert back to my scheme.
TOM: Um, yea, sure, whatever you say, Ludwig. Did that any of you
make sense of that last statement?
MIKE: Nope, it confused me just as much as the rest of this
article.
> The elements @1 through @94 are to be named as what the
>Periodic Chart of Chemical Elements does. However, only the most
>abundant isotope of the element will have the Chemical Element name.
>For example, 232 is the most abundant isotope of thor%m. And so the
>element thor%m is 232@90. The other isotopes of @90 will have a
>different name. Thus, when someone says thor%m, it is one and only one
>isotope.
MIKE: And conversely, when one says Ludwig Pluton%m, it is one and only
one net.loon.
> The other isotopes of elements from @1 through @94 will have a
>chronological history naming of famous scientists. These will include
>physics, chemistry, biology, and math.
CROW: That is, all other sciences being worthless in Ludwig's vision.
> That is why I post to those four
>newsgroups. The isotopes will be named by famous engineers, scientists,
>and mathers in chronological order. I have kept dates of birth/death
>and important year of deed by the person.
MIKE: Oh, I see...this is just a convoluted way to generate a
biography of scientists!
> The reason I have kept that
>in these postings is that some readers may want to rearrange the
>chronology.
TOM: So go ahead and change history! Ludwig doesn't care!
> And, please feel free to post the name of a person who you
>feel should go into these lists. The emphasis is on QM, atomic physics.
MIKE: QM?
CROW: Quick Mammals?
TOM: Queer Madonna?
MIKE: Quiet Muses?
CROW: Queezy Manos?
> Since the USA feuding with the Russians over the naming of the
>elements (not to speak of isotopes)
MIKE: Ah, I see that Ludwig is keeping the Cold War alive.
> and more important, since the
>naming of the isotopes/elements is long past due for a new scheme.
CROW: Oh, yes, it's just shouting "70's".
> Our
>present scheme is as "fossilized" as primitive as what the alchemists
>started with --- air, earth, water, fire with their 4 respective
>ancient symbols.
TOM: [caveman] Grunt, grunt, earth, grunt!
CROW: [caveman] Grunt, air, grunt, fire!
MIKE: What are you two doing?
TOM: We're discussing how to make gunpowder from things around the cave..I
mean house.
> And the naming of the isotopes/elements past pluton%m will follow an
>alphabetical naming.
CROW: [English accept] And the number of the counting shall be 3.
> And that naming will be the important plants to
>our species history.
TOM: Plants?! Why plants? Why not important animals? Why not
important books written by L.Ron Hubbard? Why not
important presidents? WHY PLANTS?
CROW: Who cares? It's just Ludwig.
> This naming is open ended also so that future
>successors can name newly discovered isotopes, although, they must be
>names of important plants.
MIKE: Oh, now he's discrimating plants. What about those poor,
unimportant plants that haven't become important yet?
> Lastly, I am running a search mode;
CROW: I need a really hot date for Saturday night.
> I am currently looking
>for a math equation which can predict how many and what isotopes are
>possible.
TOM: Why, that's just a simple application of Schrodinger's equation
into six dimensions. I could have told you that.
> If I had such an equation, it would be nice for then I could
>write out all the possible existing isotopes without having to consult
>what isotopes have been confirmed. If I had such an equation I could
>then list all the isotopes and wait for the experimenters to confirm
>their existence.
MIKE: Oh, just go ahead and ignore the usual routes to scientific
discovery and come up with an all-encompassing equation.
See if we care!
TOM: You know, I betcha that 42 is buried somewhere in that equation.
> But physics is too primitive as of this writing
>AUG0054 (old science calendar 1994) for such an equation.
TOM: [snotty] Oh, is the great Ludwig Plutonium too far advanced to
use our primitive physics?
>1@0 neutron.
MIKE: Hey! The first entry, and he's already broken his naming scheme!
>1@1 hydroge%n.
>2@1 deuter%m.
>3@1 trit%m.
CROW: Mike, I thought you couldn't say 'trit' in public?
MIKE: No, that's 'teet'. 'Trit' is ok, I guess.
>3@2 solaris%m.
>4@2 hel%m.
>5@2 homosap%m.
>6@2 pur%m.
>7@2 pyro%m.
>8@2 domesticat%m.
>9@2 agricultur%m.
TOM: Why do I have a feeling that the rest of the scientific community
won't accept this?
>NOTE: it was not coincidence that the Greek word for sun Hel' is the
>same as the word Hel' of PLuto, i.e. plutonium.
CROW: Why does he keep linking PLuto and plutonium?
TOM: And why does he keep the capital PL in PLuto?
MIKE: And why are you even asking these questions, you two?
>5@3 monococc%m.
>6@3 lithi7.5%m.
>7@3 lithi92.5%m.
>8@3 harness%m.
>9@3 emmer%m.
>10@3 cereal%m.
>11@3 plowwedge%m.
MIKE: Well, for breakfast today, I had some Life 10@3.
CROW: Hey, Mikey! He likes it!
[A long list of names go by. All the while, Mike and the 'bots are
figiting in their seats.]
>8@6 archimedes%m. (-287 to -212)
>9@6 siracusa%m
>10@6 physics%m
>11@6 engineering%m
>12@6 carb98.9%on
>13@6 carb1.1%on
>14@6 apollonius%m. (-262 to -190)
>15@6 lucretius%m. (-96 to -55)
>16@6 rome%m.
>17@6
>18@6 heron%m. (c0075)
>19@6
>20@6 diophantus%m. (c0250)
ALL: [yawn]
>You may ask why the gaps?
TOM: No, not really. But I'm sure you'll enlighten us.
> Answer: this is a tentative list. But the
>general scheme is what is finalized. The intent of these lists is to
>modernize the names of the chemical elements and isotopes.
MIKE: And to confuse the heck out of people.
> And the
>people whose "deeds" contributed the most to our "pinnacle wisdom"
>which is Quantum Mechanics and the Physics of the Atom are most
>represented in these lists.
TOM: Not that human existence would be any different if these
people didn't exist, but hey, even physics majors need
recognizition.
> These lists have the intention of
>instilling in all young people the guiding direction of the highest
>deeds for which one can attain in his or her lifetime.
CROW: I can come up with a lot better ways of instilling this stuff...
just make video games like 'The Legend of Heisenburg' or
'Super Pauli Brothers'.
> All persons on
>these lists have won the Plutonium Atom Prize
MIKE: And they don't even know it themselves!
> and their live will be
>attempted to be brought back to life via biotechnology.
ALL: [trying their best to stay in their seats while laughing way too
hard]
TOM: Oh, Ludwig, my friend, you really have lost it, haven't you?
MIKE: No, I think Ludwig wants to create a place where scientists
use the DNA of dead physists to bring them back to live, so
they can wreck havoc on an island paradise.
CROW: Sorry, Mike, but Criton already wrote a book about that.
> ATOM
MIKE: A Ton Of Morphine?
TOM: A Touch Of Magic?
CROW: A Torgo Opal Muesum?
[more element names go by.]
CROW: Hey, Mike....I have to [whispers in Mike's ear]..
MIKE: Oh, sure, I'll think I'll step out for a moment as well.
[Crow and Mike leave the theater. Tom, who has been intently
watching the list, doesn't notice them leave]
TOM: Hey, you know, this is really...Guys? Guys?! Where'd you go?!
MIKE: [from WAY offscreen] We'll be right back, Tom. Nature's calling.
TOM: But...but...I have to go too! Come back!
MIKE: [o.s.] Oh...ok...be right there [Mike eventually comes into
view, and carries Tom out of the theater, while Crow
shuffles back in...] Gee, you should have been paying
attention to us than that this drivel.
TOM: [from offscreen] But it was *interesting*...
CROW: but STUPID! Face it, Tom, Ludwig is just Ludwig, and there's
nothing you can do to change it.
[The list continues...Mike and Tom eventually return]
> Early on I had thought that it would be good to do @2 - @94 with the
>plant names and start the scientist chronology with trans@94.
CROW: But what about famous movie stars? And insect species?
Where do they fall into this lineup?
> Now I
>think it is best to switch that and do @2-@94 with the scientist
>chronology.
TOM: Oh, geez, now look. How does he expect everyone to stay consistent
if he doesn't stay consistent himself?
> And, I think I will use Feynman's Lectures on Physics 3
>textbooks as the guide for whose name appears. Feynman mentions Malus
>and Lenz, hence they will be in the list.
MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, no, there's *no* personal motivation here.
> When the names are final, I will collapse the names so that no gaps
>exist.
CROW: I can already of one place that has gaps needing to be
collapsed...Ludwig's brain!
[more names pour by. Mike pulls out a small device, points it
to the screen, and the names fly by]
CROW: Hey, what's that?
MIKE: This? Oh, it's just a remote I had with me when the Mads shot
me into space.
TOM: And you've had this all the time?!
MIKE: Yea, sure.
CROW: And you could've done that with any movie?!
MIKE: I guess. I really never tried.
TOM & CROW: THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU TRIED?
MIKE: Oh, because I've been enjoying these movies. I don't mind
watching the whole thing. Now as for these element names,
those give me a headache.
TOM & CROW: AUGGHHHH!
[later]
> You may very well ask why waste the time by this elaborate scheme?
ALL: [monotonous] Why waste the time by this elaborate scheme?
>Answer: this naming is the elitist group of persons who have ever
>lived.
CROW: Oh, I'm sorry, Ludwig. You did not phrase your answer in the
form of a question. And how much did you wager?
> We need this type of naming of the isotopes/elements to instill
>the highest motivation in our young people.
MIKE: Yea, like the motivation to drop out of science and end up
pursuing a degree in Modern Art.
> As of now the list has
>mostly physics and math persons, some chemistry and some biology and
>some engineering. In the future the engineering side should be
>represented more than others. The engineering side is the most
>important.
CROW: [dumbly] I always want to be an in-gear-near and get to drive
trains.
> "Doing" is always better than the mere "thinking".
TOM: Ah, then, you wouldn't mind if I actually *kill* you, Ludwig,
instead of just thinking about it.
> As I repeat, the numbers such as 4@2 for hel%m (helium) should be
>used at all times, and use the names only when the numbers star cannot.
>Only when virtually impossible to use the numbers star, use the names.
MIKE: You know, guys, I wonder how this scheme will work in braille, or
in sign language, or in semaphore, for that matter.
> After several months from these postings, I will collapse the
>chronology and in the plants fill in all the gaps with a repeat of many
>of the names, only changing one of the last letters to an "x".
CROW: Hey now, that's cheating!
> As the future rolls on and new achievers of high deeds for these
>lists arise, then the replacement of a name with an "x" in it with the
>achievers name can occur.
TOM: But what if the achivers name already has an 'x' in it? Hmm,hmmm?
I don't think you've thought your little plan though all the
way, Ludwig.
> When these lists are finalized, they will replace all other schemes.
CROW: You mean that plants and a bunch of dead scientists are going
to take the decor world by storm?
>Note: Hensel and Engel were born and died in the same year, no
>coincidence and Hensel was from Koenigsberg, Germany.
MIKE: Well, maybe they were the same person.
CROW: Now that you've said that, Mike, I distinctly remember never
seeing both Hensel and Engel at the same party...
TOM: Tonight, on 'Unsolved Mysteries', was there a conspiracy in
the 1800's? What is the true story behind Hensle and
Engel?
> This is
>remarkable because I claim to be genetically related to Engel of
>Leipzig Germany.
CROW: [OML] Oh, yes, he was the father of my brother's second wife's
mother's cousin.
> And I proved Fermat's Last Theorem using P-ADICS of
>Hensel.
TOM: Oh, did you now? Then how come you haven't got all the fame and
fortune from it yet?
[The list continues to scroll by. Every once in a while, somebody
snores, from whom it came from is impossible to tell]
> ADD lenz%m (1804-1865 c1834) to the above list.
CROW: [nudging Mike] Hey...hey Mike, we're back...
MIKE: [yawning] Oh, thanks, Crow.
> Hopefully more
>feedback will come so that by the end of this year this whole listing
>can be finished.
TOM: [crying] We're going to have to stay for a whole *year* to finish
this?!
MIKE: [comforting Tom] There, there, Tom. I think he meant with
'filling all those gaps' and stuff.
> When I end with the use of plants in the naming, then
>I will follow the pattern of number-names such as isotope 395@154 is
>named threeninefive@onefivefour%m.
CROW: Well, of course! It all makes perfect sense now!
MIKE: I see that someone is running out of creative ideas here.
> Those names are all temporary names
>until some person's name who has contributed high achievement or deeds
>in atom theory replaces that name.
TOM: [snotty] Or until I get bored and decide to replace this scheme
with a complete different one. Whichever comes first.
> There will be many slots left over
>for future achievers.
CROW: Ah, Mike, do you think the Mads will be on the list?
MIKE: Hey, we're talking Ludwig here. Anything could happen.
CROW: So, I mean, are we talking names like Forresterium and
TV's Frankium?
TOM: No, Crow. Remember the scheme. It would be 'Forrester%m'
and 'TV's Frank%m'.
> That is the main purpose of having person's
>names, as a motivator to "highest achievement".
TOM: But, gentlemen, take, for example, the city of Columbus, Ohio,
named after that famous explorer, Christopher Columbus.
Has just the sheer name of that city inspired exploration
and discovery? NO!
MIKE: Whoa, Tom! Aren't you overreacting a bit there?
TOM: [crying] Sorry, Mike! This list is just getting to me!
> Any improvements or suggestions for improvement will be considered.
CROW: How about forgetting this entire scheme?
>The symbol of a spiral or star may be changed. But the notation scheme
>is to be used the most often.
MIKE: Enough already about the spiral/star thingy!
[more of the list flies by. Mike uses the control to fast-forward
through the list]
> I hope some people in sci.bio will add to these lists of the plants
>which have contributed the most to the Human food supply.
TOM: Such as the mighty Soybean plant.
> It is a list
>of the plants which give food to Humanity.
CROW: I thought that was the job of the farmer?
> In the distant future new
>plants will be biotech engineered and they will then replace the "x"
>duplicate name of the plants.
MIKE: Hehe, bio-engineered plants. Yea, right. Ludwig's losing it.
> I intend to fill in the gaps of the plant
>names with a repeat of a plant name except with an added "x".
TOM: Now, wait a second...If Ludwig plans to fill these gaps in
himself, and these names won't be made until the distant
future, then is Ludwig thinking that he'll live that long?
CROW: Oh, didn't you know? Ludwig thinks he's immortal.
> For
>example, isotope 169@67 is named malusdelicious%m, then 170@67 is
>malusdeliciousx%m.
CROW: Mmmm...Mmmm...MalusDelicious!
> In the future, all "x" named isotopes can be
>replaced to a biotech important new food source.
> After element @83, I have the choice of what language
>to name them in.
MIKE: I'm sure he plans to do that in his native tongue of the
Planet Gregalblatz.
> The whole reason or intent behind this naming scheme is to instill
>motivation into progress, both in physics engineering and biotech
>engineering.
TOM: Enough with this motivation business. I'm so motivated that
I'm willing to spend years on building a time machine, just
so that I can make sure this post never gets posted!
> To be listed on these lists, Plutonium Atom Prizewinners,
>one can not achieve any higher.
CROW: [Ed McMann] You could be the next 10 million dollar Plutonium
Atom Prizewinner! Just make sure you send in your contribution
to the scientific community, as well as your winning entry
form, before time runs out!
[Yawn. More the list...]
>175@80 pyruscommun%m
>176@80
>177@80 pyruseurope%m
>178@80
>180@80 pyruseuropex%m
>180@80
>181@80 pyruspear%m
>182@80
>183@80 pyruspyrifol%m
>184@80
>185@80 pyruswasia%m
>186@80
>187@80 pyruswasiax%m
>188@80
>189@80 raphanradish%m
>190@80
>191@80 raphanus%m
>192@80
>193@80 raphanussativ%m
>194@80
>195@80 rheum%m
>196@80 mercur.1%y
>197@80
>198@80 mercur9.9%y
>199@80 mercur16.8%y
>200@80 mercur23.1%y
>201@80 mercur13.1%y
>202@80 mercur29.8%y
>203@80
>204@80 mercur6.8%y
>205@80 rheumrhabarbar%m
>206@80
>207@80 rheumrhubarb%m
>-------------------------------------------------------------
[end of fanfic. Static on the screen.]
MIKE: [waking] Huh...oh, yes! It's over. Guys! Guys!
CROW: Wha...Hey, you're right! It's over!
TOM: Let's get out of here, Mike!
MIKE: No problem with me.
[They leave the theater...]
...1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SoL Bridge. Crow is moving about. On most of the surfaces are those
little embossed labels, with a few larger ones so that the
camera can make out what they say. Mike and Tom enter]
MIKE: I see your point, Tom. Ludwig is really really strange. I'd
rather read a Ratliff saga than another 'Dr. Plutonium'
post.
TOM: I'm glad you see it my way, Mike.
MIKE: Now, where'd Crow get....CROW! What have you done with the
bridge!
CROW: Sorry, the name's not Crow anymore, it's Elvis T. Robot, and if
you must know, I've decided to rename everything here on
the Sate..hehe, I mean, the Sting of Love.
MIKE: Elvis? Sting? What are you doing, Crow?
CROW: Ah ah ah ah....its Elvis to you.
MIKE: Ok, 'Elvis', what are you doing?
CROW: Well, you know how Ludwig decided to rename the elements based on
plants and famous scientists? Well, I've decided to do the
same here, except using popular musical artists. Ergo, the
Satellite of Love with now be known as 'The Sting of Love'.
I shall be known as 'Elvis T. Robot', Gypsy will be known as
k.d.Gypsy, Servo will now be Snoop Doggy Servo, and...
TOM: What?!
CROW: And Mr. Nelson will now be 'Wynona Nelson'. Furthermore...
[Gypsy enters, a big sign saying 'k.d.Gypsy' on her side.]
GYPSY: Mike! Mike! Make him stop! I don't wanna be a 'k.d.'!
MIKE: [conforts Gysy] There, there, Gypsy. Crow, you've got five minutes
to put everything on the Satellite...
CROW: No, Nelson, its the 'Sting'...
MIKE: [grabs Crows arms] It's 'Satellite', Crow...
CROW: Of course it is. The 'Satellite' of Love. Whatever was I thinking.
I'll get right to work! [zips off]
MIKE: [sighs - Mad Light flashes] What do you think, sirs?
CROW: [off-screen] No, there now 'Juds'!
MIKE: GRRRRR! [hits button as he moves off-screen]
[D13 - silimar thing with the labels in D13; Frank works at a desk writing
something, while Dr.F paces]
DR.F: Ah, our latest experiment was a success! We finally put them to
sleep!
FRANK: [puts something into an envelope] And I've got our application
for the Plutonium Atom Award ready to go, sir!
DR.F: Excellent! What a great day. I'll think I'll go take a shower.
FRANK: 'Barbara', sir.
DR.F: [confused] What?
FRANK: A 'Barbara'. You're going to go take a 'Barbara'.
DR.F: Oh, don't tell me those 'bots got to you again!
FRANK: Well, not them really, just having to type in Ludwig's
article by hand, well, you know, I got a little creative.
DR.F: Creative, heh? I'll show you creative. [pulls up sleeves]
Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: [going towards panel] No, sir, that's a 'Jackson'.
DR.F: [iritated] Fine. Push the Jackson, Frank!
FRANK: [pushes button]
\|/
-o-
/|\
FRANK: [v.o.] Nooooo! Not the 'Brooks' of Fate!!!!!
DISCLAIMER:
MST3000 and its characters are CopyRight Best Brains, Inc.
Original article (not in its entirety) is property of
Ludwig Plutonium.
Any comments regarding Mr. Plutonium and his viewpoints are
only made in jest and are for entertainment value
only. This is not meant to cause Mr. Plutonium
any mental anguish or harm.
This MiSTings is property of Michael Neylon.
Obligatory Plug:
The MiSTing Authors List can be reached at
misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
with the body of the email request subscribtion to the
list. Postings to the List should be directed to
mis...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> And I proved Fermat's Last Theorem using P-ADICS of
>Hensel.
----
--
Michael K. Neylon, Graduate Student | Movie: "What is it?"
Dept. of ChE, Univ. of Michigan | Crow: "It's a plot device.
mne...@engin.umich.edu | It's flimsy, so be
http://www.engin.umich.edu/labs/mel/mneylon/ | careful" - MST3K