REPOST: MiSTed - Magazine Spam (2/4
Bill Livingston
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This post has been altered from it's original form. Duh!
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>ACCENT
MIKE: [Scotty] Cap'n, th'engines canna take much more!
SERVO: [Dr.Strangelove] Animals vill bred und shlaughtered!!
CROW: [Paul Hogan] G'day, Mate!
>ACCENT ON LIVING
>ACCESSORIES
>ACTION COMICS
MIKE: The true life adventures of stand-up comedians.
SERVO: This issue: Down the Amazon with Larry Miller and Rita Rudner
>ACTION PURSUIT GAMES
>ADIRONDACK LIFE
>ADVENTURE WEST
>ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN (COMIC)
CROW: No no no, it's a graphic novel!
>ADVERTISING AGE
>ADVOCATE
>AFRICAN PROFILES INTERNATIONAL
>AIR CLASSICS
SERVO: Are they gonna shout all the way through?
CROW: Looks that way.
>AIR COMBAT
>AIR FORCE TIMES
>AIR & SPACE
>ALASKA
MIKE: How many magazines she got here?
SERVO: I Dunno, Alaska.
>ALASKA MEN
>ALASKA OUTDOORS
>ALBUQUERQUE MONTHLY
SERVO: Home of the annual "Spell the City" contest
>ALFRED HITCHCOCK MYSTERY
>ALLURE
>ALOHA
CROW: Oy!
>AMATEUR RADIO TECHNICAL JOURNAL
>AMAZING SPIDERMAN (COMIC)
SERVO: We told you, it's "Graphic Novel"
>AMERCAN HEALTH
>AMERICA'S CIVIL WAR
>AMERICAN ARTIST
>AMERICAN ASTROLOGY
>AMERICAN BABY
>AMERICAN BABY
MIKE: Found only in the better playpens and cradles
MIKE: Found only in the better playpens and cradles
CROW: How'd you -
MIKE: Saw it on a David Copperfield special
>AMERICAN CAGE BIRD
SERVO: I know why the American Cage Bird sings
>AMERICAN COLLECTOR'S JOURNAL
>AMERICAN COTTON GROWER
>AMERICAN COWBOY
MIKE: Not to be sold to any of those Bulgarian Cowboys out there!
>AMERICAN COWBOY
>AMERICAN DEMOGRAPHICS
SERVO: 47% of readers between 30 and 45 buy 62% of the top 10% of products
advertised in the first 25% of this magazine between April and October
>AMERICAN FORESTS
>AMERICAN FRUIT GROWER
>AMERICAN HANDGUNNER
>AMERICAN HEALTH
>AMERICAN HERITAGE (HARD COVER)
MIKE: A *hard cover* magazine? Pretty fancy-shmansy!
>AMERICAN HERITAGE INVENTION & TECHNOLOGY
>AMERICAN HERITAGE (SOFT COVER)
>AMERICAN HISTORY ILLUSTRATED
>AMERICAN JOURNAL OF MATERNAL / CHILD NURSING
CROW: I wanna subscribe to that!
MIKE: Thank you, Crow!
CROW: What? What?
>AMERICAN JOURNAL OF NURSING
>AMERICAN LIQUIDATION MONTHLY
>AMERICAN PHOTO
>AMERICAN SALON
>AMERICAN SPECTATOR
SERVO: Also known as "Dittohead Monthly"
>AMERICAN SQUARE DANCE
CROW: *Another* magazine mostly for white folks.
>AMERICAN VEGETABLE GROWER
>AMERICAN VISIONS
>AMERICAN WOODWORKER
SERVO: It looks like every organization or group in America with more than
two people publishes their own magazine
MIKE: Maybe this magazine guy can start his own and call it "AMERICAN USA"
>AMERICANA
>AMERICAS (ENGLISH)
>AMERICAS (SPANISH)
>AMIGA WORLD
CROW: Captain, it is a world full of Amigas.
SERVO: [as Picard] Very good, Mr. Data, they'll promote you to Commmodore
for this.
>ANALOG SCIENCE FICTION / FACT
>ANTIQUE TRADER WEEKLY
>ANTIQUES
>ANTIQUING AMERICA
MIKE: Just scrape off all the old paint, state by state, and apply varnish
>AQUARIUM FISH
>ARCHAEOLOGY
CROW: I wonder where they dug that up?
SERVO: D'OH!!
>ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST
>ARCHITECTURE
>ARIEL
>ARMY TIMES
MIKE: 1700 hours, *sir*!
>ART & ANTIQUES
>ART & ANTIQUES INVESTMENT REPORT
>ART IN AMERICA
CROW: The magazine for fans of Art Metrano, Art Linkletter, and Artie
Johnson
>ARTIST'S MAGAZINE
>ARTNEWS
>ARTS & ACTIVITIES
>ASIAN SOURCES (COMPUTER PRODUCTS)
MIKE: Japan
>ASIAN SOURCES (ELECTRONIC COMPONENTS)
SERVO: Taiwan
>ASIAN SOURCES (ELECTRONICS)
CROW: South Korea
>ASIAN SOURCES (GIFTS & HOME)
MIKE: Hong Kong
>ASIAN SOURCES (HARDWARE)
SERVO: Singapore
>ASIMOV'S SCIENCE FICTION
CROW: Malaysia
SERVO: [whispering] We're done with that
CROW: Sorry
>ASTROLOGY
>ATLANTA
>ATLANTA HOMES & LIFESTYLES
>ATLANTIC MONTHLY
>AUDIO
>AUDIO / VIDEO INTERIORS
CROW: Inside an AV Geek's Living Room
MIKE: [nerdy] Over here's my 8-channel 4-head video recorder/playback unit,
and of course I had to gut this 18th century cherrywood dining table to
install a Shure Voice Conference system...
>AUDUBON
>AUTO RACING DIGEST
>AUTOMOBILE
>AUTOMOTIVE NEWS
>AUTOMUNDO
SERVO: [as Fonzie] Automundo? Correctamundo! *Ay-y-y-y!!!*
>AUTOTRONICS
>AUTOWEEK
>AVENGERS (COMIC)
CROW: Graphic Novel!
>AVENGERS WEST COAST (COMIC)
SERVO: Graphic Novel!!
>AVIATION HERITAGE
>BACK STAGE
>BACKPACKER
>BACKSTRETCH
>BALTIMORE
>BANK NOTE REPORTER
>BARBIE (COMIC)
CROW: *Graphi - * Oh, wait, it's about Barbie
SERVO: Maybe it's really X-Barbie.
CROW: Oh, OK - *Graphic Novel!!!*
>BARBIE FASHION BOOK (COMIC)
SERVO & CROW: GRAPHIC NOVEL!!!!!
MIKE: I think they get the point by now.
CROW: Well if it's worth doing, it's worth right!
MIKE: You're saying this is *worth* doing?
>BARBIE MAGAZINE
>BARELY LEGAL
ALL: *We know!*
SERVO: Gads, I love irony!
>BARTER NEWS
>BASEBALL CARD PRICE GUIDE
>BASEBALL CARDS MAGAZINE
>BASEBALL DIGEST
SERVO: Half the teams won, half lost. See ya'
>BASEBALL WEEKLY (USA TODAY)
>BASKETBALL DIGEST
>BASKETBALL WEEKLY
>BASS PLAYER
>BASS & WALLEYE BOATS
>BASSIN'
MIKE: [singing] I'm bassin', yes indeed, and I'm passin', tween you & me...
>BATMAN (COMIC)
SERVO: I'm Batman! Graphic Novel!
>BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD
SERVO: Huh, he said "Beavis", huh huh huh!
CROW: Yeah! Heh! Heh heh heh!
>BERKSHIRE
>BEST RECIPES
>BETTER HOMES & GARDENS
>BEVERAGE WORLD
>BEVERAGE WORLD
SERVO: Not to be confused with "Waterworld"
CROW: Kevin Costner, in search of - a cup of Dharjeeling?
>BIBLE REVIEW
MIKE: Well, I found "Numbers" a little dry for my taste. Very detailed and
thorough, but overall, it lacked the punch of, say, "Exodus" or "Isaiah".
>BIBLICAL ARCHAEOLOGY REVIEW
>BICYCLE GUIDE
>BICYCLING
>BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN (BBW)
CROW: Ah, Anna Nicole Smith, Delta Burke, Ann & Nancy Wilson...
SERVO: You're drooling on the seat!
>BIRD TALK
ALL: Rark! Whee-hooh! Cheep Cheep Cheep! SQUAWK!
>BIRDER'S WORLD
>BLACK AXE (COMIC)
>BLACK BELT
>BLACK COLLEGIAN
>BLACK ELEGANCE
>BLACK ENTERPRISE
>BLOOD HORSE
SERVO: I've gotta know...
MIKE: Don't look at me. Maybe it's a vampire horse or something.
SERVO: [as Bela] Come in, von't you? I never eat - hay!
>BLUE & GOLD ILLUSTRATED
>BOARDROOM REPORTS
>BOATING
>BOATING WORLD
>BODY - MIND - SPIRIT
MIKE: Faith - Hope - Charity
SERVO: Liberty - Equality - Fraternity
CROW: Lather - Rinse - Repeat
>BON APPETIT
>BOSTON MAGAZINE
>BOTTOM LINE / PERSONAL
MIKE: Yes, that *is* a little personal, & I'll thank you not to ask about it
again!
>BOW & ARROW
>BOW & ARROW HUNTING
>BOW HUNTING WORLD
>BOWHUNTER
>BOWHUNTING
>BOWHUNTING WORLD
CROW: D'ya think there's really that many people out there who still hunt
with bows and arrows?
SERVO: No, but they all belong to the National Bow & Arrow Association
CROW: They lost all credibility with me when they backed those teflon-coated
Rhino Arrows
MIKE: When bows and arrows are outlawed, only outlaws will have bows &
arrows!
>BOWLING DIGEST
>BOWMASTERS
>BOXING ILLUSTRATED
>BOY'S LIFE
>BRIDAL GUIDE
SERVO: Number one, get a guy to propose.
>BRIDES
>BRITISH CAR
>BRITISH HERITAGE
>BROADCASTING
>BUCKHUNTERS DIGEST
CROW: They ought to advertise that in alt.make.money.fast
MIKE: Uh, I don't think that's what they mean
>BUENHOGAR
CROW & SERVO: Hikeeba!
>BUSINESS PUBLISHING
>BUSINESS START-UPS
>BUSINESS WEEK
>BUZZ (TALK OF LOS ANGELES)
MIKE: "Buzz": The only magazine *for* killer bees *by* killer bees
>BYTE
CROW: Me, it's fun!
>CABLE (COMIC)
SERVO: [muttering, quickly] graphicnovel
MIKE: What?
SERVO: Oh, nothing.
>CALIFORNIA JOURNAL
>CAMCORDER
>CAMERA & DARKROOM
>CAMPUS LIFE
SERVO: That's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?
>CANDY INDUSTRY
>CANOE
>CAPPER'S
>CAPTAIN AMERICA (COMIC)
SERVO: [muttering, quickly] graphicnovel
MIKE: What?
SERVO: Nothing, nothing at all
>CAR AUDIO & ELECTRONICS
>CAR COLLECTOR & CAR CLASSICS
>CAR CRAFT
CROW: [as Minnesota woman] Oh, that's a lovely Corvette y'have there, Marge.
SERVO: [ditto] Oh, thanks, it's a macrame set I got from Kmart, donchaknow?
>CAR & DRIVER
>CAR STEREO REVIEW
>CARAS DE PUERTO RICO
CROW: Hi, I'm Alex Karras, coming to you live from beautiful San Juan
>CARD COLLECTOR'S PRICE GUIDE
>CARIBBEAN TRAVEL & LIFE
>CARS & PARTS
>CASH SAVER
>CAT FANCY
>CATALOG SHOPPING
SERVO: A magazine that tells you how to order from a catalog?
CROW: For people who have finally realized that they have no life
>CATHOLIC DIGEST
>CATHOLIC FAMILY BIBLE
>CATTLEMAN
>CATWOMAN (COMIC)
SERVO: [muttering, quickly] graphicnovel
MIKE: You just can't let it alone, can you?
>CD REVIEW
>CD-ROM TODAY
>CD-ROM WORLD
CROW: CD WINDOWS backslash WIN dot INI
SERVO: About this Apple
>CENTRAL FLORIDA CAREER GUIDE (W/UPDATES)
>CHAMPION CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>CHAMPION VARIETY PUZZLES
>CHAMPION VARIETY REVIEW
>CHANGES
MIKE: [singing] Turn to face the strange...
>CHARISMA & CHRISTIAN LIFE
>CHATELAINE (IN ENGLISH)
>CHATELAINE (IN FRENCH)
SERVO: k.d.lang goes bilingual!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: I wasn't gonna say anything!
>CHESAPEAKE BAY
>CHEVY HIGH PERFORMANCE
SERVO: Chevy hasn't given a *really* high performance since 1979
>CHIC
>CHICAGO
>CHILD
>CHILD LIFE
>CHILDREN'S ALBUM
CROW: Lois & Bram!
>CHILDREN'S CLASSICS
>CHILDREN'S DIGEST
>CHILDREN'S PLAYMATE
>CHOCOLATIER
MIKE: All for one!
CROW: One for all!
SERVO: Life is like a box -
MIKE & SERVO: *Ya-a-a-ah!!!!*
>CHRISTIAN HISTORY
CROW: I guess they think that's anything after year one!
MIKE: Well, actually, it is!
>CHRISTIAN PARENTING TODAY
>CHRISTIAN READER
>CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR
>CHRISTIANITY TODAY
>CIRCLE TRACK
>CIRCUS
SERVO: *No-o-o-o!!!* No more circus stuff!!
MIKE: I guess this has something to do with all those shorts they showed you
guys?
CROW: Whatever you do, don't mention clowns and trapeze bars!
>CIVIL WAR CHRONICLES
>CIVIL WAR TIMES
>CLASSIC AUTO RESTORER
>CLEVELAND MAGAZINE
>COACH
SERVO: Starring Craig T.Nelson & Jerry Van Dyke
>COIFFURE DE PARIS
>COIN PRICES
MIKE: A penny is one cent, a nickel is five cents...
CROW: And this post is cents-less
>COIN WORLD
>COINAGE
>COINS MAGAZINE
>COLLECTOR EDITIONS
>COLLECTORS MART
>COLLECTORS NEWS
>COLLECTORS NEWS
SERVO: This is like the 6th or 7th title they've repeated
MIKE: It's probably the ones he can't give away
>COLLEGE SPORTS
>COLONIAL HOMES
>COLORADO BUSINESS
>COLORADO HOMES & LIFESTYLES
>COLUMBIA JOURNALISM REVIEW
>COMIC BOOK COLLECTOR
CROW & SERVO: Gfc Nl
>COMIC BOOK COLLECTOR'S PRICE GUIDE
CROW & SERVO: [louder] *Grfc Nvl*
>COMIC SCENE
CROW & SERVO: YAA-A-H!! GRAPHIC NOVEL! GRAPHC NOVEL!!
GRAPHIC NOVEL!!! *GRAPHIC NOVEL!!!!!*
MIKE: Oh, come on, they're just funny books!
SERVO: Heretic Scum!
>COMICS BUYERS GUIDE
>COMICS SCENE
>COMMON CAUSE
>COMMONWEAL
CROW: Not a special weal, just a plain old common weal.
>COMPUTER GAME REVIEW & CD-ROM ENTERTAINMENT
>COMPUTER GAMING WORLD
>COMPUTER LIFE
SERVO: Hey, another oxymoron
>COMPUTER SHOPPER
>COMPUTERWORLD
>CONAN CLASSICS (COMIC)
>CONAN SAGA (COMIC)
SERVO: Conan faces the fight of his life as he battles for ratings points
against his arch enemy, Ye Olde Tomme of Snyder
>CONAN THE ADVENTURER (COMIC)
>CONDE NASTE TRAVELER
>CONSUMER REPORTS
CROW: This issue, magazine subscription scams and how to avoid them
>CONSUMER REPORTS ON HEALTH
>CONSUMER REPORTS TRAVEL LETTER
>CONSUMER RESEARCH
>CONSUMERS DIGEST
>CONSUMERS RESEARCH
MIKE: I wonder what the difference is between "Consumer Research" and
"Consumers Research"?
CROW: S
MIKE: Well, that was helpful.
>CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN MUSIC
>COOK'S ILLUSTRATED
>COOKBOOK DIGEST
SERVO: They offer condensed recipes.
MIKE: "Get stuff. Cook. Eat"
>COOKING LIGHT
>CORVETTE FEVER
MIKE: I once knew a guy in high school who had corvette fever.
CROW: What happened?
MIKE: He drank a big glass of warm salty water and it cleared up just like
that.
>COSMOPOLITAN
>COSMOPOLITAN EN ESPANOL
>COUNTRY
CROW: Oh, um, Luxembourg!
SERVO: Lichtenstein!
MIKE: Lebanon!
>COUNTRY ACCENTS
>COUNTRY AMERICA
>COUNTRY FEVER
MIKE: Same guy later came down with country fever.
CROW: What happened?
MIKE: He drank a big glass of warm salty wynona and it cleared up just like
that.
>COUNTRY GUIDE
>COUNTRY HANDCRAFTS
>COUNTRY HOME
>COUNTRY HOME FOLK CRAFTS
>COUNTRY JOURNAL
>COUNTRY JOURNAL
SERVO: Geez, how many wood-cut bunnies and hand-painted kitchen
utensils do these people *need*?
CROW: Apparently, all they can get
>COUNTRY LIVING
>COUNTRY MUSIC
>COUNTRY MUSIC CITY NEWS
>COUNTRY SAMPLER
>COUNTRY WOMAN
CROW: Look, up in the sky!
MIKE: It's a bird with a giant hair-do!
SERVO: It's a plane with a nasal twang!
CROW: No, it's...
ALL: COUNTRY WOMAN!!!
>CQ RADIO AMATEURS JOURNAL
>CRAFTING TODAY
>CRAFTS
>CRAFTS 'N THINGS
>CRAFTWORKS FOR THE HOME
CROW: I am the operator of my pocket calculator!
>CRAIN'S NEW YORK BUSINESS
>CRAYOLA KIDS
>CREATIVE CLASSROOM
>CREATIVE KIDS
>CREATIVE QUILTING
>CREATIVE REAL ESTATE
SERVO: That's what they nailed Ivan Boesky for, wasn't it?
>CREATIVE WOODWORKING & CRAFTS
>CRICKET
SERVO: The insect, the lighter, or the sport?
MIKE: Maybe it's about setting fire to bugs that bowled Zed Pratt, naught.
>CROCHET DIGEST
>CROCHET FANTASY
CROW: Wanna hear my crochet fantasy?
MIKE: Not particularly.
CROW: It involves Vanessa Angel and a skein of Navy Blue #4.
SERVO: I thought it was #3.
CROW: No it was - HEY! You've been reading my diary again!!
>CROCHET HOME
>CROCHET WORLD
>CROCHET WORLD SPECIALS
>CROSS COUNTRY SKIER
>CROSS STITCH
>CROSS STITCH PLUS
SERVO: [announcer] Cross Stitch and now Cross Stitch PLUS
with benzoyl peroxide!
>CROSS STITCHER
>CROSSSTITCH & COUNTRY CRAFTS
>CRUISE TRAVEL
MIKE: The latest on the whereabouts of Tom Cruise.
>CRUISE TRAVEL
MIKE: The later latest on the whereabouts of Tom Cruise.
>CRUISES & TOURS
>CRUISING WORLD
>CUSTOM & CLASSIC TRUCKS
>CUSTOMER ASSURANCE REPORT
>CUSTOMER SERVICE NEWSLETTER
>CYCLE WORLD
>DAILY NEWS RECORD
>DANCE
SERVO: Dance, you fools, dance! *Muah-hah-hah!*
>DAREDEVIL (COMIC)
>DARKHAWK (COMIC)
>DAS LEBEN
>DATA BASED ADVISOR
>DAYTIME TV
>DBMS (DATABASE MANAGEMENT SYSTEMS)
CROW: A publication for system administrators.
SERVO: "How to avoid the temptation to take an uzi to your users", page 44
>DEATH'S HEAD II (COMIC)
>DEBATE ISSUES
>DECORATING DIGEST
>DECORATIVE ARTIST'S WORKBOOK
>DECORATIVE ARTS PAINTING
>DECORATVE WOODCRAFTS
>DEER & DEER HUNTING
MIKE: Not just deer hunting, but deer & deer hunting
SERVO: Maybe they're siamese bucks
>DEFENSE NEWS
>DELAWARE TODAY
CROW: Tomorrow the world!
>DELL CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>DELL CROSSWORD SPECIAL
>DELL CROSSWORDS & VARIETY PUZZLES
>DELL HOROSCOPE
>DELL LOGIC PUZZLES
>DELL OFFICIAL CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>DELL OFFICIAL PENCIL PUZZLE & WORD GAMES
>DELL OFFICIAL WORD SEARCH PUZZLES
>DELL PENCIL PUZZLES & WORD GAMES
>DELL POCKET CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>DELL POCKET CROSSWORD PUZZLES
>DELL WORD SEARCH PUZZLES
SERVO: Well, Dell's pretty much got that market cornered
MIKE: "Hello, this is the New York Times again. We need another Sunday
crossword."
SERVO: [gangster voice] Okay, but it's gonna cost ya' big this time, pally,
heh heh heh!
>DES
>DESKTOP VIDEO WORLD
>DESSERTS
>DETAILS
CROW: Yeah, and we want *all* the details, pal!
>DETECTIVE COMICS
SERVO: Oh, it's Tommy Sledge!
MIKE: It's my job. It's what I do. I move on.
>DETROIT MONTHLY
>DIRT BIKE
>DISCIPLESHIP JOURNAL
>DISCOUNT STORE NEWS
SERVO: [announcer] KMart blue lights beat Wal-Mart specials. Film at eleven.
>DISCOVER
>DISCOVER DIVING
>DISNEY ADVENTURES
>DISNEY'S HOW IT WORKS
CROW: First you copyright everything, then you sue the pants off of
little bitty day care centers for infringement.
>DISTRIBUTION CENTER MANAGEMENT
>DOG FANCY
>DOG WORLD
MIKE: Oh, get Sirius!
CROW & SERVO: D'OH!!!!
>DOLL CASTLE NEWS
>DOLL DESIGNS
>DOLL LIFE
CROW: Circulation: Gepetto
>DOLL WORLD
>DOLLMAKING
>DOLLS
MIKE: Dames
CROW: Broads
SERVO: Chicks
>DOOM 2099 (COMIC)
>DOWN EAST
>DOWN MEMORY LANE
>DOWNBEAT
SERVO: Oh, ya cool, man!
>DR. DOBB'S JOURNAL
>DR. STRANGE (COMIC)
>DRUG & COSMETIC INDUSTRY
>EARLY AMERICAN LIFE
>EARLY CHILDHOOD NEWS
MIKE: And now, the news for babies.
>EARLY CHILDHOOD TODAY
>EARTH
>EARTH JOURNAL
>EASY FAST "N FUN CROSSWORDS
CROW: I bet Dell will get them for that!
>EATING WELL
ALL: BU-U-U-U-RRRRRP!!!!
>EBONY
>EBONY MAN (EM)
>ECONOMIST
>ECOTRAVELER
CROW: What's an ecotraveller?
MIKE: Maybe someone who only flies on all-natural airplanes
>ELECTRONIC GAMES
>ELECTRONIC GAMING MONTHLY
>ELECTRONIC LEARNING
>ELECTRONICS NOW
CROW: We wanna subscribe to that
SERVO: We do?
CROW: [whispering] Maybe we can meet some female companionship!
SERVO: [also whispering] That's why we got "Playbot", remember?
>ELITE MAGAZINE
MIKE: Oh, everyone's reading that magazine now
>ELLE (AMERICAN)
>ELLE DECOR
>ELLERY QUEEN'S MYSTERY
CROW: The mystery is, who's gonna fall for this?
>ELLERY QUEEN'S MYSTERY
CROW: Even if they do offer it twice?
>EM (EBONY MAN)
>EMERGE
SERVO: Come forth! Arise!
End 2/4