NEW MiSTED The Walls of Jellico 2/2 TNG [PG] (x-over MST3K]
Bill Livingston
Ooops! Darn newsreader is getting hinky - this is now 3 parts
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[6] {5} (4) -3- +2+ o
[All return]
MIKE: It's okay, Tom, it was a beautiful service anyway.
SERVO: It just hurts so much.
MIKE: I know, honey, I know.
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 4/5 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: Well, it's still here.
SERVO: What, you thought it was going to vanish in our absence?
CROW: Well, I can dream, can't I?
>Date: 28 Feb 1998 18:14:40 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 118
>Message-ID: <6d9k6g$n...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: pluto.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: 4/5
>
>Chapter Three
>
> Jay and Marrissa retreated to her office to avoid being
>embarrassed by their lack of Engineering knowledge.
MIKE: Yeah, it's such a pain to have to kill everyone in a room just to
cover your own ignorance.
> They quickly
>divided up the various reports that had been submitted and
>logged. There was the launch requests, the pre-flight
>checklists, the Doctor's injury reports, and the flight plan.
CROW: Not to mention the Ratliff Contrived Plot Device Report
SERVO: With the future drowning in paperwork, it's a wonder anything gets
done in Starfleet at all!
>There was one little note that caught Jay's attention.
CROW: [Jay] Marrissa? This one's marked "Signed and notarized confession
of guilt." Where do I file it?
MIKE: [Marrissa] Just toss it. I'm sure it's not important.
> "Computer, find orders, training plan Red Wing."
> "File not found," the Computer responded.
CROW: Hey, how about that. In the future, DOS talks.
> "I'm sure I saw that before," Marrissa said. "Computer,
>view flight plan"
> "File not found."
CROW: [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ail?
> "Computer, deletion lock, authorization Picard Alpha Four
>Red Five Halifax Serena,"
CROW: Delta Aremgo...
MIKE: Foxtrot Tango Durango...
SERVO: Burton Burton Warner Fortensky....
ALL: Hike!
> Marrissa ordered. "Attempt to retrieve
>recently deleted files."
SERVO: Have you checked www.filepile.com?
> "Deletion lock now in effect. Logging attempts to delete
>files," the Computer responded.
> "I guess we're going to have to call in a computer expert,"
>Jay remarked.
MIKE: Or we can just get Fonzie to whack it on the side.
> "Not necessarily," Marrissa said. "Who had a motive to
>destroy those files?"
CROW: Kevin Mitnick?
> "Any of the pilots," Jay began.
> "Who are confined to Sickbay," Marrissa said. "I know
>Doctor Jackson, he doesn't let anyone access work files from
>Sickbay.
MIKE: I hope that he's better at that than Starfleet is from keeping
people out of the asteroids.
> Anime Fan Fiction, yes, flight plans, not on your
>life."
MIKE: Unless they disguised their flight plans as anime fanfic!
CROW: Take a flight plan, add some guns, a girl with odd colored hair
or two, and add in a wacky sidekick and, boom, there you are.
SERVO: I think exploring Dr. Jabberjaw Johnnycake Juxtaposition's Futaba-
Chan fetish falls under the category "too much information"!
> "Relatives of the pilots," Jay continued.
MIKE: Casual acquaintances of the pilots?
CROW: People with the same initials as the pilots?
SERVO: Folks who live in the same neighborhood as the pilots' dentists?
> "We've got two," Marrissa informed. "Lieutenant Ross
>Lochard, our chief of security is Red Wing's Wing Commander's
>husband, and Lieutenant Szustakowski, our chief Engineer is her
>sister."
> "Who ever filed the training orders," Jay finished.
CROW: He's right - *nobody* ever filed them!
MIKE: The ship's secretary did it!
> "That could be either Kathy or Lieutenant Jellico," Marrissa
>said.
> "Kathy would be the Red Wing Commander?" Jay asked.
>Marrissa nodded. "You left out any Engineering aspects,"
>she noted.
SERVO: [Jay] Um - maybe they ran out of gas?
> "The Engineers wouldn't mess with those files," Jay said.
>"They'd alter these very detailed maintenance records."
> "For all I can tell they've already done that," Marrissa
>replied. "What is an space modulator and shouldn't they be
>replaced ever 4 thousand light years?"
MIKE: Because that's when the warranty expires, you nitwit!
SERVO: And what the hell is an offog? Never mind. I'll just say that it
blew up in warp.
> "I have no idea," Jay replied.
CROW: Y'know, this is generally true of Jay on any occasion
> "Let Clara go over that
>mess. Can we start interviewing the pilots?"
SERVO: They're just sittin' in the green room, twiddling their thumbs.
> "I'd rather wait for the flight logs first," Marrissa
>remarked. "Without that flight plan, we won't be able to
>determine any deviations from it."
MIKE: And without oxygen we won't be able to breathe!
> "It's supposed to be in the flight log, isn't it," Jay
>asked.
> "True," Marrissa said, putting down the PADD full of
>maintenance logs she'd been reading. "Commander Picard to
>Lieutenant Sutter."
CROW: [Clara] I WASN'T ASLEEP!! I mean, uh, Sutter here.
> "Clara here," the young engineer replied from the shuttle
>bay.
> "How soon can I get the flight logs from the fighters?"
>Marrissa asked.
SERVO: [Clara] I've already got Evander Holyfield's and Max Baer's. I
should have Joe Louis's in a minute.
> "I need them before I can question the pilots."
> "Give me five minutes," Clara replied.
CROW: Then give her a long enough rope, and she'll hang herself.
> "You've got two, Picard out," Marrissa replied.
> "What's this with the time limits, Marrissa," Jay asked.
>"Clara should know how long a job takes her."
CROW: And checking a flight log is time sensitive because?
> "Clara has been spending time with Admiral Scott," Marrissa
>replied.
MIKE: She's been putting on a few tons and mumbling incoherently.
> "I know Scotty.
SERVO: [Marrissa] He's the only guy who ever drank me under the table.
> He always multiplies his repair
>estaminets by four, and I find that the trait is contagious."
CROW: What's he talking about? Has Ratliff finally gone over the deep end?
MIKE: Nope. You can blame the actual writers for TNG for that.
SERVO: And thanks a lot, all you guys, for taking one of Trek's all-time
great characters and a certified miracle-worker and turning him
into a lying gold-bicker!
MIKE: Yeah, *good one*, Berman!!!
> "How so?" Jay asked.
> "Our Chief Engineer here on the Stargazer use to give an
>estimate of fifteen minutes as the time it takes to repair a
>coolant leak," Marrissa explained. "Then she visited Admiral
>Scott. Now it takes forty-five."
CROW: [mumbling] Four times fifteen is forty-five?
> "That's rather noticeable," Jay remarked.
> "I'm not sure how Captain Washington failed to notice it,"
>Marrissa mused.
MIKE: She's probably still trying to figure out what an "estaminet" is.
>
> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was the first person Marrissa
>and Jay interviewed.
SERVO: Then ordered put to death.
> She was still confined to sickbay, but she
>appeared better than she had been the last time Marrissa had
>stopped by. "Lieutenant, your flight plan in your fighter's logs
>notes this exercise as being over your objections," Jay began.
> "Would you mind clarifying that?"
CROW: [Katherine] They *know* I always watch "Ally McBeal" on Mondays!
> "When Lieutenant Jellico assigned this training mission, I
>objected to doing it in the actual field," the Wing Commander
>said.
SERVO: [Lochard] I wanted to have the training exercise in my living
room.
MIKE: Yep. Why bother with real-world situations, when you can just stay
in the simulator?
CROW: Maybe the Romulans will be nice enough to attack them in the
simulator, instead of in space.
> "I thought that it would be just as effective in the
>holodeck and that my wing, in particular Ensigns Brown, Favin,
>and Jakif,
CROW: Ummmm...
MIKE: Whatever you're about to say, Crow - don't.
CROW: But it's -
MIKE: Just don't, okay?
> where not ready or qualified to fly though such a
>rapidly changing and dangerous asteroid field."
SERVO: After all, those asteroids are usually hundreds of millions of
kilometers apart. They're far too close together to fly through.
CROW: Nah! In Star Trek, an asteroid belt is a huge expanse, all mere
meters apart, with more mass than several star systems' worth of
planets. And you can't fly over it, so it's really an asteroid
globe.
MIKE: You're over-analyzing this.
> Marrissa and Jay exchanged a glance before Jay continued,
>"What happened to cause the accident?"
MIKE: [Katherine] This Jem'Hadar pulled up, and he was on his cell phone,
and wasn't looking, and...
> "Everything had been proceeding normally," Kathy explained.
>"We were following Jellico's flight plan closely. My wing
>second, Ensign Saro, was leading and I took up the rear.
CROW: Then that blasted Saro began to sing "My Sharona", so I started
singing along, so I got distracted, so, so, so we hit an
asteroid. But it's all Jellico's fault.
> Then the
>unexpected happened. Two asteroids collided ahead of us, forcing
>us to take evasive action. I'm not sure exactly how it happened,
>but I think the debris from the collusion
CROW: So it *was* a conspiracy!
MIKE: [Kevin Costner] You see this meteor moving back and to the left...
back and to the left... back and to the left.
> was moving faster than
>we could in the tight area we had to fly. We were hit and had to
>beam back to the Stargazer."
> "That agrees with my analyst of your logs," Marrissa said.
SERVO: Even Marrissa's psychiatrist gets in on the act
> "Jay?"
> "Thank you for your time," Jay finished. "We may be back
>later."
MIKE: Hey, that doesn't scare us!
CROW: Speak for yourself, Nelson - the thought of more of this stuff
absolutely *terrifies* me!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
MIKE: And sometimes the path leads you to a donut shop so that you
can pick up some bearclaws.
>
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG The Walls of Jellico 5/6 (Marrissa Stories)
CROW: Woahwoahwoah - "5/6"?!?! It was only 5 parts a minute ago!!
SERVO: It's growing exponentially! It's THE INFINITE RATIFF FANFIC!!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Date: 5 Mar 1998 04:51:23 GMT
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 214
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Message-ID: <6dlb0b$c...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: mercury.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Status: N
>
>
>Title: The Walls of Jellico
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: none
>Part: 5/6
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>Note: I forgot to split the last chapter from the epilogue, so this is
>one part longer than I intially thought.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
CROW: Oh.
>
>Chapter Four
>
> Once the two exited Sickbay, Jay turned to Marrissa and
>said, "I think we have a court-martial on our hands."
SERVO: Oh! I thought you were indicting Dale!
CROW: They're court-martialing Marrissa! Our dreams have come true!
MIKE: Guys, don't get your hopes up.
> "I'll agree with that,"
SERVO: "Makes sense," said Glinn Gusat.
> Marrissa replied as they entered
the
>turbolift. "Deck Two. What offenses have we got?"
SERVO: [Jay] Well, basically, we're too young, our spelling is atrocious,
we consistently defy all command logic, our characterization is
two-dimensional, our big battle scenes generally take about two
lines, and your feet are a touch on the gamy side.
> "Destruction of Evidence, Obstruction of Justice, and
>possibly Murder," Jay listed.
CROW: Tonight on "The Marrissa Files", Marrissa and Jay track a killer using
the Enterprise computer in, "Control-Alt-MURDER!!"
> "Murder?" Marrissa said, falling back against the turbolift
>wall. "When did this become a murder investigation."
MIKE: The minute Commodore Jessica Fletcher showed up.
> "When Lieutenant Jellico ordered the mission over the
>objections of the wing commander," Jay replied.
CROW: So subordinates should have absolute veto authority over the orders
of their superiors?
SERVO: When they're chums of Her Royal Highness? Sure!
> "Lets not rush into this," Marrissa said, standing up
>straight again. "We need to talk to Jellico, and find out who
>deleted those files."
MIKE: [Marrissa] *Then* we'll execute him.
> "Well, he's the only one on that list," Jay remarked, as the
>turbolift opened to the officer's corridor below the bridge.
>"The pilots couldn't, and Kathy's relatives only had a motive if
>she did, and I don't think she does any more"
CROW: Is it just me, or is anyone else having trouble buying that Jay
is suddenly Remington Steele?
MIKE: I'm not.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Think about it: Remington was just a good-looking manqué, whereas
Laura was the smarter, powerful one who did all the actual work.
CROW: Good point.
> The two entered Marrissa's office. Marrissa sat down in her
>overstuffed chair behind her desk,
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
> and Jay took up residence on
>her couch.
MIKE: It's Jay Alan Kato Gordon.
> "Oh?" Marrissa inquired. "What got rid of her
>motive?"
SERVO: The fact that she's a friend of the author
> "The flight logs show she did everything possible to save
>her pilots," Jay replied.
SERVO: Showing once again that the Kid's Crew are the epitome of
humanity.
CROW: She still could be responsible for their deaths and was just
trying to hide her guilt in the matter by acting like she was
trying to save them.
> "We know they haven't been tampered
>with," Jay said, clasping his hands behind his head as he leaned
>back. "And if she had no motive, neither did her relatives."
MIKE: Well, except for her cousin Otto, who's into her for 14 grand.
CROW: So, after an intense three hours of investigation, Jay can't find
any evidence, so she's innocent.
SERVO: Call the Boulder Police Department. They'll want to know
about that investigative technique.
> "True," Marrissa replied, picking up a PADD from her desk.
SERVO: Then she poured some blue liquid on it to test its absorbency.
> "Shall we call Lieutenant Jellico in for questioning?"
>"Might as well," Jay replied. "Has the Computer Security
>Officer tracked down the terminal or user who deleted those
>files?"
MIKE: [Marrissa] Turns out it was some high school hacker in Denmark.
CROW: [Jay] Excellent! We got our new science officer!
> "Fighter Bay Launch Control Room," Marrissa informed. "Not
>exactly an easy place to pin users down in."
CROW: But if you use that modified scissors hold, you got a pretty good
shot at it.
> "How exactly were those files deleted?" Jay inquired. "We
>did have an investigative lock on them."
> "Ensign Chu
ALL: Gesundheit!
> tells me that they were renamed then deleted,"
>Marrissa replied, tossing the PADD back down on the table.
SERVO: Yeah, no one had ever thought of doing that before!
MIKE: Nice to see how far firewall technology has come in 400 years.
> "Only
>the Fighter Commander and above can rename Flight Control files."
> "I think we have our suspect cornered then," Jay remarked,
CROW: It's you Marrissa! You're trying to frame the lieutenant, aren't
you?!
MIKE: Give it up Crow. It's not going to happen.
CROW: [Sobbing] He's innocent Mike! I know it! He... he just... has...
to... be...
>moving his arms back down to cross them over his chest.
SERVO: And this indicates?
MIKE: Jay has this King Tut complex.
> "What do
>you say we call him down?"
SERVO: [Announcer] Henry Jellico - COME ON DOWN!!!
> "Commander Picard to Lieutenant Jellico," Marrissa ordered.
>"Report to my office immediately."
SERVO: Come to think of it, wouldn't Marrissa have a motive for altering
the files?
CROW: Yeah! She's jealous of Jellico's success so she's altering the
records to frame him!
SERVO: She's the head of security, after all. She has access to the
records...
MIKE: Stop it guys. You're scaring me.
CROW: Come on Mike. It's not that farfetched.
MIKE: I'm asking you to stop because I'm beginning to believe you.
>Jay took up position behind Marrissa as they waited for the
>Fighter Commander to arrive.
CROW: [Marrissa] Always keep three paces behind me!
MIKE: [Jay] Yes, dread majesty!
> The door chimed, and Marrissa
>ordered, "Come."
CROW: Well, that was quick!
MIKE & SERVO: Ewwwwwww!!!
> Lieutenant Jellico entered the office, supremely confident.
>He strutted across the room to stand before the desk.
ALL: [singing] You wear a disguise to look like human guys...
SERVO: [whispering] "Guys" or "guise"?
MIKE: Let's not start *that* argument!
>"Reporting as ordered, sir," he sneered, believing that there was
>nothing the two teenagers could do to him.
MIKE: Well, they could slash his tires.
> "Please sit down," Marrissa ordered in a calm and confident
>tone.
> "I perfer to stand," Jellico replied, continuing the battle
>of wills he had begun with Marrissa when he came on board.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Sit.
CROW: [Jellico] Stand!
SERVO: Sit!!
CROW: *Stand*!!!
SERVO: SIT!!!!
CROW: STAND!!!!!!
MIKE: Let's just squat and call it even.
> "That wasn't a request," Marrissa replied.
MIKE: Actually, it was. A non-request would be "Sit down."
> Jellico took a
>seat in the overstuffed chair in front of Marrissa's desk.
CROW: [Jellico] Okay, I'll sit, but you can't make me like it!
ALL: [whoopee cushion noises]
> "Thank you for coming so quickly, Mr. Jellico. As you know,
>Lieutenant Gordon and I are investigating the accident Red Wing
>had two days ago.
MIKE: Tragically, several Garage Oxfords were injured.
> In our investigation several questions have
>come up that you may be able to answer."
SERVO: For example, what kind of weird-ass name is "Jellico", anyway?
> "I will answer them to the best of my ability, sir," Jellico
>replied, suddenly realizing the seriousness of the two young
>officers.
CROW: The jig's up, Jellico! Marrissa knows you've been dipping into the
strawberry ice cream.
> Lieutenant Gordon was glaring at him with such
>fierceness
SERVO: Grrr! Grrr! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
> that he suspected that even Klingons would feel like
>deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.
CROW: Shouldn't that be "a Rigellian blue-deer caught in the illuminator
beams of an oncoming hovercraft"?
MIKE: So, Klingons can now be stared down by an angry 14 year old?
Oh how the mighty have fallen...
> "Very well," Marrissa responded. "What where your orders to
>Red Wing?"
MIKE: [Jellico] One pair of brown wing-tips, size 12 wide.
CROW: Then all crash on the count of three.
> Jellico momentarily considered saying he'd given no orders,
>but realized that the two weren't that incompetent.
SERVO: [snorts] Better reconsider that one, Henry.
> "I ordered
>Red Wing to do the Genma training routine in the trailing Trojan
>Asteroids," he said.
MIKE: Go ahead, Crow.
CROW: Go ahead what?
MIKE: I know you've got some bizarre comment to make about "Trojans" and
"Asteroids", so just spew it out before it burns a hole in your
guts!
CROW: Um, actually, I was gonna pass on that one.
MIKE: [Pause] Oh.
CROW: But thanks for pointing it out to everyone else, there, Mike.
> "Where there any objections," Jay asked.
SERVO: If there *were* any objections, right here is probably *where* they'd
be!
MIKE: Steady, Tom, steady.
SERVO: Grrrrr!
> "Lieutenant Lochard made some noise, but it wasn't much,"
CROW: Just some mewling and whimpering was all.
>Jellico remarked, dismissing the objection.
> "Did the Wing Commander say that her wing, which had three
>members fresh out of the Academy, was not ready for a real life
>training session," Jay recited from memory.
MIKE: Wouldn't pilots be sent to, say, flight school, before being
assigned to fly a fighter?
CROW: Ratliffverse again.
SERVO: Yeah, what training did Marrissa have in diplomacy before the
Naklab incident? What was Clara's training in Engineering? Did Jay
graduate from Law school? No, but he's in the JAG anyway.
> "Something to that effect," Jellico replied. "But I
>dismissed it because of their previous performances."
> "Did Lieutenant Lochard suggest an alternative?" Marrissa
>asked.
MIKE: [Jellico] Yeah, she said to take US 31 because there was an
overturned chicken truck on I-65.
> "She suggested we do it in the holodeck,
ALL: Bucka-WOW!!!
> but I felt it was
>time for real life experiences," Jellico answered. "The Holodeck
>is good, but their is just some things that it can't duplicate."
CROW: [Jellico] You're not one of them, though! That "Kill-Marrissa a
zillion times" holodeck program is a blast!
SERVO: "Their is just some things?" [starts shaking] How can anyone *write*
a sentence like that?!?
> "You are aware that we do have a full simulation program for
>that asteroid cluster," Marrissa stated.
MIKE: It's in that Wing Commander MMXXVCI program, right?
> "Yes, Blue Wing is training in it right now," Jellico said.
> "You are aware that Star Fleet has placed a warning about
>flying in the Trojans?"
CROW: CONDOMS, MAN!!! THEY'RE JUST A FORM OF REPRESSION, MAN!!!!
MIKE & CROW: *Yaaaahh!*
> Jay asked, sternly, his eyes burning into
>Jellico's soul.
MIKE: Or it might've just been that anchovy, pineapple and habanero pizza
he had for lunch.
> "I am," Jellico replied, fearful for the first time in the
>questioning.
SERVO: Oh, you're not going to try and tell me that *Jay* is suddenly
*intimidating*!
> "Did you erase the filed flight plan from the computer?" Jay
>interrogated, moving up to stand up against the desk.
MIKE: [Jay] Must... keep... desk... from... sliding...
>Jellico didn't say anything. His eyes flashed with fear,
>and his face drained of color.
CROW: Observer!
> Jay continued his questioning.
CROW: [Jay] Say, Jellico? If I give you some money, can you go buy me
and Marrissa some beer? Please?
SERVO: [Marrissa] I want Strawberry schnapps instead.
> "Did you delete the training orders for Red Wing?" Jay asked, his
>eyes still focused on Jellico.
MIKE: No! It was that El Barto guy! I swear!
> Jellico tried to tear his eyes away from the JAG Officer's
>stare.
CROW: Yep, ol' Jay "Conjunctivitis" Gordon strikes again!
> Something about the determined vestige of the fourteen
>year old Lieutenant
SERVO: Ewww! Jay's gone to pieces!
> reflected the doom that Jellico felt back
>onto his soul.
MIKE: Should he really be Deathmatching in front of a Grand Jury?
> The answer seeped out of him in a whisper, "Yes."
SERVO: [Overenthusiastically] Boy, they were a great band. Remember that
song that they did the fifty different videos for? That was great!
MIKE: Tom, what are you babbling about? Jellico just confessed!
SERVO: No! No, heh, he was talking about the band, yeah. That's it.
>As Jellico slumped in the chair, realizing that his career
>was over,
MIKE: [Gamely] Well, only time will tell . . . [pause] Oh, come on guys!
It's an Asia joke! You like Asia jokes!
SERVO: My hopes are shattered.
CROW: Listen! Can you hear the loons?
> he heard Commander Picard call, "Security to the First
>Officer's Office. Arrest Lieutenant Jellico for Destruction of
>Evidence, Obstruction of Justice, and Murder."
MIKE: Not to mention being a general wimp-out!
> His life was over
>now.
CROW: So you might as well kill him.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Set phasers to 'Extra Crispy.'
SERVO: [hopeful] So does that mean the story's over?
MIKE: Nope. It just goes on and on and on and...
> As he slumped in the chair, drained of all motivation,
MIKE: [Jellico] Hey, What could I do? Ratliff made me an incompetent
boob!
>he said in a sobbing tone, "You got what you wanted, Picard. I'm
>out of your way now."
SERVO: That's all it took? Jay looking at him cross-eyed? Jeez, what
a pushover!
CROW: Hey, Henry - what we said earlier about joining us? Forget it!
MIKE: Yeah. Anyone that can let themselves be intimidated by *Jay*...
> "I never wanted that," Marrissa replied, sorry that things
>had come to this point.
CROW: She was hoping for a bit more humiliation, first.
> "I was just trying to make you the best
>Fighter Commander you could be. I tried to help you, make things
>easy for you take over Fighter Command.
MIKE: *Then* I'd pull the rug out from under you.
> When you said that you
>didn't want my help, I stopped. Perhaps I shouldn't have. I
>suppose we'll be wondering what went wrong for the rest of our
>lives."
SERVO: I don't *have* to wonder! I *know*!! It was *you*, Marrissa - you're
responsible! You, *you*, YOU!!!!
MIKE: Tom, you're heading straight over the edge!
>
> Jellico looked back up at the young First Officer in a new
>light. He looked back at the actions he'd seen her do since he
>came aboard.
CROW: The intimidation, the veiled threats, the midnight beatings -
suddenly they all seemed like a good-natured romp!
> He saw her invitations to the weekly poker games to
>new officers as an attempt to get to know them better, not to set
>up some conspiracy.
SERVO: [stammering] Su-sure they were! She's trying to overthrow
Starfleet!
CROW: Uh-oh, he's startin' to lose it.
MIKE: Which one - Jellico or Servico?
> Jellico remembered the sing-a-longs in Seven
>Slightly Starboard.
MIKE: He wondered why Ratliff couldn't think of a more original name
for an on-board saloon.
> They were not to keep him up late, but to
>give a sense of community to a warship with lots of new
>crewmembers.
SERVO: Keeping him up late was just icing on the cake.
CROW: It was the Starfleet "Kumbayah" Chorus Line!
> The objections to demoting Lieutenant Ducat were not
>some test of power, it was concern that an officer that she knew
>was capable was being unfairly treated because of his race.
CROW: Spike Lee's "Marrissa X".
>Perhaps Lieutenant Commander Picard wasn't so bad after all.
CROW & SERVO: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
SERVO: [Sobbing] Ratliff's turned him!
CROW: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Dweeb!
MIKE: I warned you two not to get your hopes up.
> Then the security officers entered the room. They roughly
>stood him up
MIKE: Then roughly roughed him up.
> began taking him out of the room. Lieutenant
>Ross Lochard led them, saying when he struggled because the grip
>they had on him hurt, "Stop struggling, you're going to the
>brig."
CROW: Hey, thanks for clearing that up, Lochard - we thought you were
taking him to Starbuck's for a half-caf latte.
> "No," Commander Picard said from behind him. Ross turned
>back in inquiry.
MIKE: [Ross] You want I should just space him in his skivvies?
> "Confine him to quarters. There is no need to
>restrain him any more than that. Restrict Computer access and
>that will be enough."
SERVO: [Jellico] *sniff* Commander Picard?
CROW: [Marrissa] Yes?
SERVO: *sniff* There's just one thing that I'd like to say to
you before they lock me up.
CROW: Go ahead.
SERVO: *sniff* [sings] I'm saaailing away...
CROW: Noooooooooo!!!!!
MIKE: Nice to see you've rebounded from the shock, Tom.
SERVO: We robots heal fast.
CROW: [singing fast] settinganopencourseforthevirginsea...
> Jellico wanted to thank Commander Picard for the gesture of
>kindness but the Security Officers pulled him out of the room too
>fast.
MIKE: Stockholm Syndrome - very sad.
SERVO: How pathetic! Another egg-sucking dog cringing at Marrissa's feet.
CROW: Now he has "I WAS COURT-MARTIALED BY A BUNCH OF KIDS" scrawled across
his rump.
>
> At his exit, Marrissa slumped back in her chair. Jay moved
>around to where Jellico had been sitting and perched on the left
>arm of the chair.
MIKE: And Marrissa fed him a chunk of meat, pulled his hood on, and
put him back in his cage.
> "What's wrong Marrissa?" he asked.
MIKE: Well, I just realized that I might have sent an innocent man to
jail. [pause] Oh well. Hey, while you're up, could you get me some
strawberry Jell-O?
> "I had such hopes for Jellico," Marrissa said. "He was an
>excellent pilot with excellent ratings across the board.
SERVO: [Rainman] He was an excellent pilot. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely
an excellent pilot with excellent ratings. Uh-oh. Time for Wapner.
> If he
>would have just learnt that there is a limit to everything he
>could have been an excellent commanding officer.
MIKE: WHAT?!?! Marrissa's telling him he needs to recognize limits? Ms.
"I can negotiate the Nalkab dispute?" is saying *Jellico* needs to
respect the limits? How dare - I mean that's just so - so -
SERVO: Um, Mike, could you calm down just a lit-
MIKE: [rises and shakes fist at screen] It - they - she - how, what, you -
Poooot... Keeettle...
BLLLLAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!! YYYYYYYRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!
[Mike makes a small strangling sound and pitches forward]
CROW: Well - that's a new one.
SERVO: C'mon, help me haul Mr. "Don't Get So Upset" into his chair.
[Tom and Crow pull Mike's unconscious form back into his theater seat]
> I hate it when
>I fail with an officer."
CROW: So in other words, the real tragedy in this situation is that it
made Marrissa look bad.
SERVO: Yep, pretty much.
> "You need something to take you mind off work for a while,"
>Jay remarked.
SERVO: [Jay] I have this holodeck simulation called 'Beat up the
Subordinate.' I'm sure you'd like it.
CROW: [Marrissa] Nah... I do that often enough in real life.
> "Isn't the Star Fleet Invitational tomorrow?"
CROW: That's right. All across the galaxy, star fleets are being invited
to Earth.
SERVO: Crow, can't wake him up. Do you wanna -
CROW: No! I'm not going to bite him - he ruins my partial.
SERVO: Fine. [whispers] Mike? Mikey? Wakey-wakey! [Normal] C'mon ya
big squarehead! Up & at 'em! [Mike stirs groggily]
MIKE: [Dazedly] Aunt Hildegarde? Is it time to shuck the gooseberries?
CROW: You okay?
MIKE: I - I guess. What happened?
SERVO: Marrissa.
MIKE: Drat! I hoped it was just a meteorite or something.
> "Yes, my cousin Isabelle is returning to racing tomorrow,"
>Marrissa said. "She hasn't raced a horse since she placed in the
>Belmont Stakes two years ago. Motherhood hasn't given her the
>time."
CROW: Wow, a pregnant woman placed in the top three in a race? I'm
impressed.
MIKE: I think that she was riding a horse, not actually racing the other
horses.
CROW: Oh. Still, that's an amusing picture, don't you think?
> "And now she's returning to racing," Jay said. "You really
>should go see her."
> "Are you asking me out on a date, Jay?" Marrissa replied.
>"If you can get tickets," Jay replied.
[All laugh]
CROW: "Wanna go to the races?" "Sure!" "Great! Got any tickets?"
SERVO: This scene is the very definition of what it means to be Jay!
> "That race day is
>always sold out."
MIKE: Well, it would be if the Federation still used money.
> "I've got rights to the Stargazer Stables owner's box,"
>Marrissa stated. "I don't need to worry about tickets. The box
>fits 20 and the Enterprise is busy patrolling the Cardassian
>Border, so that just leaves me, Marie, Theresa, and little Rene
>to use it.
CROW: Apparently, she gets the group rate on her dates.
> I'm sure I can get in."
MIKE: [Marrissa] Otherwise, heads'll roll!
> "What about any of Isabelle's friends?" Jay asked.
SERVO: [Marrissa] Oh, we just throw them out of the box when we arrive.
They're no trouble.
>"Unfortunately Isabelle lacks many," Marrissa said. "I
>don't know why, but I think it's roughly the same reason I have
>trouble making new friends with people my age."
MIKE: [Marrissa] I usually have them shot before I really get to know
them.
> "You have trouble making friends?" Jay asked, surprised.
CROW: Jay's remarkably unobservant for a member of the JAG, isn't he?
>"I'd think that people would want to be friends with you.
ALL: [Animaniacs] She's our new *special* friend!
> I know
>I'm lucky to count you among my friends."
MIKE: [Jay] Because if I wasn't one of your underlings, then you'd rub me
out for sure.
CROW: Suck it up Jay, suck it up!
SERVO: Hey, don't knock Jay. He knows the best way to survive in the
Ratliff universe.
> "You were my friend before I got to all the things that keep
>me from getting new friends," Marrissa said.
MIKE: Psychosis
CROW: Lust for Power
SERVO: Obsessive Compulsive Mania
MIKE: Ruthlessness
CROW: Contempt for all other lifeforms
SERVO: Unsightly underarm stains
> "You knew me before
>I became the Captain's daughter, which lead anyone on board the
>Enterprise who didn't already know me to behave as if they were
>on pin cushions.
MIKE: In pain, annoyed, and ready to scream!
> Then when I discovered my royal heritage anyone
>outside the ship approached me as if I was some sort of holy
>person.
CROW: Pope Marrissa I?
> My rank stops me from being friends with anyone within a
>decade of my age because, I'm at least two ranks above them and
>it's not right to associate with senior officers."
SERVO: Is it worth pointing out that most people her age aren't even in
Starfleet to begin with?
MIKE: Probably not.
SERVO: Okay. Just checkin'.
> "I can see the problem you face," Jay remarked. "And you do
>need some time off. I think your position is getting to you."
CROW: Wouldn't touch it if you paid me to.
> "Only on days where I have disappointments with officers,"
>Marrissa replied. "I'll probably get someone else to disappoint
>me to replace Jellico."
MIKE: [Marrissa] And I'll just have to ruin them, too.
SERVO: Maybe that dimwitted Ensign Nelson...
MIKE: Knock it off.
> "Don't be so pessimistic," Jay remarked.
CROW: And don't butter us up, Ratliff.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>
>The ASC Awards run 2/15/98 - 3/25/98
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>"The path of the prophets sometimes leads into darkness and pain."
> -DS9's "Far Beyond the Stars"
SERVO: [singing] Far beyond this world that I know...
MIKE: Tom, No.