MiSTed- Easy Money

[Currie1501]

3rd MiSting so far, another idiotic little moneymaking plot.
Enjoy! Or writhe in agony!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(Opening)

(SoL. Gypsy is in the foreground.)

GYPSY: And now for your viewing pleasure, the Satellite of Love players
present their, uh, presentation of the adaptation of the Jerry Bruckheimer
film, "The Rock," using our favorite characters presenting themselves in
the presentation of "The Rock," which we now present to you for your
viewing pleasure. Naughty words have been edited so that people who can't
spell won't know what they are. Bye-bye.

(Gypsy leaves. Tom Servo and Mike enter. Tom has what appears to be
dryer lint on his dome sculpted to look like Sean Connery's hairdo in "The
Rock". Mike has shaved his hair to look like Nicholas Cage, and has
adopted the wide-eyed gaze Cage always seems to have. Both are in army
fatigues and are carrying plastic Uzis that have propane tanks secretly
attached to them to simulate the gunfire effect.)

TOM(as Sean Connery): Aaar, we're in a f--k of a mess here.
MIKE(as Nicholas Cage): Yeah the dirty f--kers killed all the other
marines and we're the only ones left that can turn off those f--king
chemical bombs.
TOM(Connery): They've got a f--k of a lot of armed f--kers, too. With
full f--king military gear, complete with f--king grenades.
MIKE(Cage): We should get the f--k out of this f--king place, with all
these f--king warheads and paramilitary f--kers with their f--king hand
cannons trying to blast the f--k out of us and all of f--king San
Francisco.
TOM(Connery): Shut the f--k up! F--king losers always f--king whine about
f--king everything. The f--king winners go f--king home and f--k the
f--king prom f--king queen.
MIKE(Cage):My f--king wife f--king *was* the f--king prom f--king queen.
TOM(Connery): Well, we've still got to save my f--king daughter in f--king
San Francisco, which I f--king haven't f--king seen because I was in the
f--king federal f--king prision all my f--king life.
MIKE(Cage):So you left your f--king subplot in f--king San f--king
Francisco?
TOM(Connery):This is no f--king time for f--king humor in this f--king
situation, f--khead.

(Suddenly, Crow pops up from behind the countertop with an Uzi, army
fatigues, and a wild expression.)

CROW: F--K YOU ALL, YOU F--KING F--KED-UP F--KHEADS!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone fires their Uzis wildly around the room, filling it with
imaginary gunfire.)

ALL: F--KING F--KERS, F--K THIS, F--KING F--KHEADED
F--K-UPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(We go to commercial, amidst a hail of lead and censor bleeps.)

(Have you wanted a luxury automobile that combined safety, speed, and
comfort with a low price? Well, too bad.)

SoL. Crow is lying on a table gagging and coughing up nuts and bolts. He
appears to have a green Sno-Globe in his mouth. Tom stands over him.
Both are still in costume.)

TOM(Connery):You like it? Huh? No? Well, that's chemical weaponry for
you! HAHA!

(Mike enters with a huge hypodermic needle stuck in him.)

MIKE(normal):Tom, why did we have to stick this into my heart again?
TOM(normal): It was in the movie.(Connery) Ohhh, did you vomit up some
vital organs? I'm sorry...
MIKE: Yeah, but that was only a movie, and I keep coughing up blood...
TOM: Not while I'm taunting!
CROW:Why did we have to use *actual* chemical weapons?(retches)
TOM:Added realism. We're using live napalm too!

(Message light flashes.)

MIKE(coughing):Uh oh-*koff*-the Clonus Horrors are-hack-calling.

(Space Van. Observer is in the front passenger seat, Bobo in back, and
Pearl (as usual) driving.)

PEARL: Oh, Jerry Bruckheimer. How I would have loved to inflict one of
his opuses upon you guys. Unfortunately, he was designing a movie back
near 2012 and he got so excited about it his testosterone had a backup and
he exploded. There were bits of Jerry across nearly all his works,
including "Con Air 28". However( evil grin), I do have a copy of "The
Long Kiss Goodnight"...

(SoL. Mike is retching into a bucket. Crow is fine.)

CROW: You mean...
TOM: ...The one where near the end of the movie...
CROW:...Both heroes look like they chewed their own faces off??
MIKE: GGRRRRRAAAAAKKKKKKK!!!!!
BOTS:NO!! PLEASE!! WE COULDN'T HANDLE IT!!! WE WEREN'T BUILT FOR SUCH
STUPIDITY!!!!!

(Van)

PEARL:That's all right. Just joshin' ya'.

(SoL. Mike has put the bucket away, but he still looks distinctly
queasy.)

CROW:Oh, *thank* you Mrs. Forrester. Can we repay the favor somehow?

(Van. Pearl has an amazingly evil look now.)

PEARL:Why yes...just...WATCH THIS SPAM!!!

(SoL. Alarms go off.)

BOTS:AAAAUUUGGHHHH!!!!! WE GOT SPAM SIGN!!!!!
MIKE:Ohhh, I'm gonna need my bucket again...

(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theater)

>Subject:

TOM:Why Johnny Can't Read.
MIKE: Why Bruckheimer Can't Write.
CROW:Why Ask Why?

> Easy Money

MIKE: Just From Robbing Convenience Stores.

>From: stee...@sprynet.com (louis sant)
>Date: Mon, 26 May 1997 02:13:27 GMT>

MIKE:Good Marshmallow Treats.
TOM:Grand Master Tom.
CROW: God Made Turnips.

>Message-ID: <3388f1bf...@news.sprynet.com>
>
>HERE'S A FUN WAY TO MAKE SOME EXTRA CASH!!WHO KNOWS >YOU MAY EVEN GET
>RICH!! You gotta be crazy!

MIKE:Yes, we are crazy at Waldo's used cars! Just look at these prices!

>How on earth do you think you can get 50 grand for a lousy 5 >bucks?

TOM:Buy a five-dollar knife and kidnap Donald Trumps kid.
CROW:He has a kid?
TOM:I think it's a rental.

>Well,
> that's what I was wondering, too until I came across this
>letter. First of all, IT'S PERFECTLY LEGAL! (Call

MIKE(singing):Eight-six-sevenfive-three-oh-niiine...
BOTS(singing):
Eight-six-sevenfive-three-oh-niiine...

>1-800-725-2161 if you have any questions about the following
>opportunity to make $50,000.00 and thats probably WITHIN
> LESS THAN TWO MONTHS!

TOM:Two months on the Pluto calendar, that is.

> Well, here it
goes: A little while back, >I was
>browsing these newsgroups,

CROW:alt.my.dog.my.friend.my.lover
TOM:rec.gullible.morons
MIKE:talk.pyramid.scams

> just like you
are now,
> and came across an article similar to this that said you could
>make thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial
> investment of $5.00! So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a
>joke," but like most of us I was curious,

MIKE:But I still didn't inhale.
TOM:Are you being Susan Molinari or the President?
MIKE: A randomly selected baby boomer.

>
so I kept reading.
> Anyway, it said that you send $1.00 to each of the 5 names and
>addresses stated in the article.

CROW:And never see that money again.

> You then
place your own name and
> address in the bottom of the list at #5, and post the article in at
>least 200 newsgroups. (There are thousands)

MIKE:Gosh, I thought it was just a few scattered websites.
TOM:Come to think of it, have you ever been to a Gopher site?

>
No catch, that
> was it. I knew that that was the opportunity I had waited for for >a
>long time. I thought it was about time that the money of the >world
> gets into the right hands! OURS, right?

CROW:Yeah! Take 'em from all those stupid charities and give it to us!

>
I never had a doubt >that
>this thing will actually work

MIKE: I credit this to my drinking habit.

> and even if it
didn't, what were 5
> stamps and $5.00 for a try? As I mentioned before, like most of >us
>I was a little skeptical

CROW:If you were truly skeptical, you would have ignored this.

> and a little worried about
the legal
> aspects of it all. So I checked it out with the U.S. Post
>Office (1-800-725-2161) and they confirmed that it is
> indeed legal!

TOM:They also said something about the risen Christ appointing them to
cleanse the world of sinning servants of the Devil. Then I heard gunfire.

> Now, that's how your story WILL sound like, too if
>you
>participate: Well GUESS WHAT!!... within 7 days, I
> started getting money in the mail! I was shocked!

MIKE:This was certainly a change from the usual flood of pornography!
CROW:They don't send porno through the mail, Mike.
MIKE:How would you know?
CROW(embarassed):Uhh...heh heh...

>
I still figured it
>would end soon, and didn't give it another thought.

TOM:This guy needs all the thoughts he can get.

>
But the money
> kept coming in. In my first week, I made about $20.00 to $30.00
>dollars. By the end of the second week I had made a

CROW:Lovely sculpture out of soap.

>
total of
>over $1,000.00!! In the third week I had over $10,000.00

MIKE:But I lost it all from my drug habit!

>
and it >was
>still growing. This is now my fourth week and I have made
> a total of just $42,000.00 and it's still coming in....Let me
>tell you how this works and most importantly, why
> it works...

TOM:It works because Netizens are one of the most gullible type of human
on Earth.

> also, make sure you print a copy of this article
NOW,

MIKE:Or you shall never see your children alive again.

>
so
>you can get the information off of it as you need it. The
> process is very simple and consists of 3 easy steps:
>
> STEP1:

CROW:Launch the satellites into geosynchronous orbit around the major
cities of Earth.

> Get 5 separate pieces of paper and write the following on
> each piece of paper "PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST." Now get 5
>$1.00 bills

TOM:And burn them in sacrificial ritual to your primitive god.

> and place ONE inside each of
> the 5 pieces of paper so the bill will not be seen through the
>envelope to prevent thievery. Next, place one paper in each of the >5
> envelopes and seal them. You should now have 5 sealed >envelopes, each
>with a piece of paper stating the above phrase and a

MIKE:Loaded shotgun.

> $1.00 bill. What you are doing is creating a service by this.

TOM:A useless and aggravating service, but still a service.

>
This
>is perfectly legal! Mail the 5 envelopes to the following
> addresses:

CROW(Letterman):Ladies and gentlemen, I have here in my right hand
tonight's Random Address List!

>#1 M. C. Brown 4403 S. Semoran Blvd Apt 3 Orlando, FL 32822
>#2 J. A. Gang 970 Paces Circle #300 Apopka, FL 32703
>#3 T.J. Kashin 2009 Hollyhock St Pekin, IL 61554
>#4 Fred Dufour 1596 39 Avenue Montreal, QC H1A4A2, Canada
>#5 Louis Sant 1821 S Walters RD, Tacoma, WA 98465

MIKE:If you have seen these people, please notify the local authorities.

>
> STEP 2:

CROW: Crack open an egg and stir it into the mix.

> Now take the #1 name off the list that you see
>above,move
>the other names up (2 becomes 1, 3 becomes 2, ect...)
> and YOUR NAME as number 5 on the list.

MIKE:But where does YOUR NAME live?
TOM:D'oh!

> STEP 3: Change anything you need to but try to keep this article >as
>close to the
> original as possible.

TOM:Let them play with each other in the backyard.
MIKE:We don't have a backyard. All we have is the empty void of space.
TOM:Even better!

> Now, post you amended article
to at least 200
>newsgroups. (I think there is close to 18,000 groups) All
> you need is 200, but remember, the more you post, the more >money you
>make! Don't know HOW to post in the newsgroups?

CROW:Too bad! The chance of a lifetime has passed you! You'll die in
poverty!

> Try Forte's "FreeAgent." It is freeware. To download it, simply >use a
>search utility and type "Forte Free
> Agent". You should be able to find it.

TOM:Deep within the bowels of the Earth.

>**REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE >MONEY YOU WILL
>MAKE!! BUT YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200****

MIKE:Or we'll track you down and kill you.

>
> That's it! You will begin receiving money from around the world
>within days!

CROW:Oh goody, rubles and pesos.

> You may
> eventully want to rent a P.O. box due to the large amount of mail
>you receive.

MIKE: The death threats, bombs, aforementioned dirty magazines, etc.

> If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a
> name to use as long as the postman will deliver it. **JUST MAKE >SURE
>ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT.** Now
> the Why part: This entire principle works because it is in a >format
>of an upsidedown tree with thousands of branches.

TOM:Yea-*what*?
MIKE:Remember, an upside-down tree - NOT a pyramid.

>
Everyone
> below you will see to it that the tree continues because they >want
>to get money.

CROW:And tasty fruit.

> Those below THEM will continue because
> THEY want to get the cash ect. Out of 200 postings, say I receive
>only 5 replies ( a very low example). So then I made $5.00
> with my name at #5 on the letter. Now, each of the 5 persons >who
>just sent me $1.00 make the minimum 200 postings,

MIKE:Unless they have the slightest spark of intelligence at all.

> each with my name at #4 and only 5 persons responds to each of >the
>original 5, that is another $25.00 for me, now those 25
> each make 200 minimum post with my name at #3 and only 5 >replies
>each, I will bring in an additional $125.00! Now,those 125
> persons turn around and post the minimun 200 with my name at >#2 and
>only 5 replies each, I will make an additional $626.00!
> Ok, now here is the fun part,

TOM:The ending!
MIKE:I wish.

> each of the
625 persons post a >minimum
>of 200 letters with my name at #1 and they each receive 5

CROW:But your name is off the list by then!

> replies, that just made me $3,125.00! With a original investment >of
>only $5.00! AMAZING! And as I said 5 responses is
> actually VERY LOW! Average is probably 20 to 30!

MIKE:Figures provided by Commitee to Monitor Gullible People.

>
Lets put >those
>figures at just 15 responses per person. Here is what
> you will make:

CROW:A huge fool out of yourself and a reputation for stupidity.

> at #5 $15.00 at #4 $225.00 at #3
$3,375.00 at #2
>$50,625.00 at #1 $759,375.00 When your name is no longer on
> the list, you just take the latest posting in the newsgroups, and

TOM: Put the kill file to good use.

>send out another $5.00 to the names on the list, putting your >name
> at number 5 and start posting again. The thing to remember is

MIKE:Poison is bad.
CROW:Chocolate is good.
TOM(Singing):Watch out where the Huskies go/Don't you eat that yellow
snow...

>
>that
>thousands of people all over the world are joining the internet
> and reading these articles everyday, just like you and I are >now!!

CROW:So they'll read them, and then immediately shun them.
MIKE:How can he be reading this at the same time we are?

>And this will go on and on and on...get the picture? Well,
> there's 5,000,000,000 people in the world and most of them will

TOM:Die in plane wrecks.
MIKE:That was dark.

>eventully end up being hooked into the internet.

CROW:So, even though a lot of countries down in Africa don't have food and
water, they'll all have full internet access?

>
So there are
> virtually unlimited resources. Of course this will work the best
>at the very beginning so the faster you post,

TOM:The harder it is to make sharp turns. Wait, that's inertia.

>
the better for
> YOU! So can you afford $5.00 and see if it really works?? I think >so!

MIKE: Even though it's hard to think without a brain, I think so!

>People have said, "What if the plan is played out and no
> one sends you the money? So what!

CROW:I'll still have your money!

>
What are the chances of that
>happening when there are tons of new users and new honest
> works?? Remember,play FAIRLY and HONESTLY

TOM:FAIRLY and HONESTLY prey on weak-minded people.

>
and this will >work. You
>just have to be
> honest. Make sure you print this article out RIGHT NOW, also.Try to
>keep a list of everyone that you sends you money and

CROW:Monitor them closely. They're obviously insane.

> always keep an eye on the news groups to make sure everyone >is
>playing fairly.

MIKE: You will be accompanied by government agents keeping a close watch
on alt.conspiracies.

> Remember, HONESTY IS THE BEST
> POLICY.

TOM:Unless you're MAKING PYRAMID SCHEMES.

> You don't need to cheat the basic idea to make the
>money!!

CROW:You need to cheat all those gullible people!!

>GOOD LUCK to all and please play fairly and reap the
> huge rewards from this, which is tons of extra CASH.

MIKE:We need to be reminded to take the cash?

>
**By the >way, if

TOM:-someone discovers our secret plan, neutralize them *immediately*.

>you try to deceive people by posting the messages with
> your name in the list and not sending the money to the rest of >the
>people already on the list, you will not get as much.

CROW:Even though that logic is hokey.

>
Someone I
>talked to knew someone who did that and he only made about >$150.00,
>and that's after seven or eight weeks!

MIKE: That must be how all urban legends are started.
CROW:Or at least all pyramid schemes.
TOM: No, no, no, it's not a pyramid scheme, it's an
upside-down-tree-with-thousands-of-branches scheme!

>
Then he sent the
> 5 $1.00 bills, people added him totheir list,

CROW:Of gullible morons.

>
and in 4-5 weeks he >had
>over $10k.

TOM:Which instantly disappeared into the slot machines.

> This is the fairest and most honest way I have
> ever seen to share the wealth of the world without

MIKE:Any real work.

>
costing >anything
>but $5 and our time!!!

CROW:Our precious time, of which we have but a few fleeting moments!

>Please remember to declare your extra income. Thanks once >again......

TOM:Telnet safely now!
MIKE:C'mon, lets beat it.
CROW:Let's just beat the spammer instead.

(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge)

(Mike and Tom are alone.)

TOM:Well, that was no change from the usual tripe. You think they would
come up with original ideas to cheat us.
MIKE:Yeah, but the pyramid plot has been time-tested and approved.
TOM:Why do these things seem to work, anyway?
MIKE:Well, you see, when God created the universe from stardust, he ended
up with a lot of dense matter that was pretty much useless. With that, he
created stupid people, and since he had so much to use, they now outnumber
us completely. This guy and many others are tapping a vast natural
resource.
TOM:Kinda like how Yanni takes advantage of all those boring, annoying
people.
CROW(offscreen):Hey guys! Look what I made!

(Mike and Tom walk over to the left, with the camera following. We see
Crow with a mannequin
and a computer.)

CROW: It's made to discourage people from reading get-rich-quick posts!
Watch.

(Crow moves the mannequins arm over the mouse, then hits the hand to make
it doubleclick. Sparks fly off the mouse and a clichéd shock noise is
heard.)

CROW:It reads the articles beforehand looking for words like "cheap",
"investment", or "legal".
If the reader tries to access it, he or she gets a minor electronic shock!
MIKE:How minor?
CROW:Something on the order of 500 gigavolts or something.
MIKE:But wouldn't that cause instant death?
CROW:Well, I'm just trying to thin out the herd.

(Message light flashes)

MIKE:Oh, the Spice Girl is calling.

(Space Van. Observer is in the driver's seat.)

PEARL: Came out of that with nary a scratch, huh Nelson? Well, once I get
back in range I'll-

(SoL)

TOM:Out of range?

(Van)

PEARL(sheepishly):Yeah, well, one of those little micrometeorites
punctured my whitewall, and we had to do some EVA work,(usual angry voice
returns)but we're gonna fix that! Observer, warp nine!
OBSERVER(meekly):But...I...
PEARL:WARP NINE! If I have to get George Takei, I will!

(Observer grabs the gearshift and thrusts it forward. We hear a huge
screech.)

PEARL: YOU IDIOT! YOU STRIPPED THE GEARS!!!!
OBSERVER:Well, I was trying to tell you I never drove a stick shift
before.

(fade to black)

PEARL(voice-over):CLUTCH FIRST!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters and/or sets are
property of Best Brains Incorporated. This is fully legal. If I come up
with more legal jargon, I'll send it, but I reitirate-
THIS IS FULLY LEGAL.

> Ok, now here is the fun part,