MiSTed--"X-Force: The New Breed"

[Omega]

More MiStings, folks! Enjoy, and remember to write in and tell me what
you think! We love to hear from you...

[...guitar twang, la-la-la's, door sequence, and...]

[SOL Bridge. There are three buzzers sitting on the console, and just
over to the left, Tom Servo is standing behind a miniature podium,
wearing a fake moustache. Gypsy, Mike, and Crow are standing behind the
buzzers.]

Mike: Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson, these are Crow, Tom, and Gypsy, and we're kicking back and
relaxing with a round or two of "Jeopardy". Tom's pretending to be Alex
Trebek, and we're the three contestants this week. Let's get started,
shall we?

Tom: OK, Crow, pick a category.

Crow: I'll take "Hairpieces" for $100, Tom--I mean Alex.

Tom: OK, this famous actor's hairpiece was once mistaken for a prop in
"Star Trek XVII--War of the Tribbles".

[Crow tries to reach for the buzzer, but his arms don't work. Gypsy
headbutts the buzzer.]

Gypsy: Richard Basehart!

Tom: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. And remember, your answers must be
phrased in the form of a question.

Gypsy: Richard Basehart?

[Crow is still trying frantically to reach the buzzer.]

Tom: Anyone else?

Mike (buzzing in): Who is William Shatner?

Tom: That's correct for $100, Mike. We've got commercial-sign for now, so
we'll be right back to meet our contestants.

[Mike reaches over and taps the yellow button.]

[Did you know that many of today's best loved songs were actually written
by Ricardo Montelbahn? You didn't? That's because they weren't. Really,
he has all the singing talent of a ring-tailed lemur. But we're hawking
an album he's put out anyway, featuring his famous duets with Tattoo and
Gary Coleman, from "Different Strokes". Send your check or money order to
"I'm A Tasteless Idiot", PO Box 100, Fantasy Island, MT, 42038. Sorry, no
COD's. Mainly because we're never going to send you anything.]

[SOL Bridge. Little pieces of paper taped to the console show dollar
amounts--Crow is still at $0, Gypsy is at -$400, and Mike is at $1500.]

Crow: This isn't fair! I can't reach the buzzer! My arms don't work!

Tom: Oh, I'm sorry, Crow, but you should have buzzed in before saying
that. Now we have to knock $1000 off your score. OK, Mike. Pick again.

Mike: I'll take "Zen Koans" for $300, Alex.

Tom: And that's our audio Daily Double! OK, Mike, listen closely to this
clip.

[Complete and total silence comes over the speakers.]

Mike: Hmm...what is the sound of one hand clapping?

Tom: Correct! Uh-oh...Pat Sajak and Vanna White are calling.

[Mike taps the red button.]

[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is smiling smugly, while behind him, in the
background, Frank is wearing a long, spangly sequined dress.]

Dr. F: Ah, greetings, Bob Barker! I think I'll have to wreck your little
game show with a look at my Invention Exchange. Frank, why don't you--[He
turns to look at Frank.] FRANK!!!! What did I tell you about
impersonating blond model/actresses? Now go and get changed for the
Invention Exchange. *sigh* I guess you'll have to go first, Vicki Lawrence.

[SOL. Mike is busily applying some sticky goo to Tom's, er, hover unit.]

Mike: Well, I was working in the lab, late one night, when my eyes they
beheld an eerie sight...

Crow: For your monster from its slab began to rise?

Mike: Huh? No, I made some really cool glue! It'll stick anything to
anything, and wears off in about an hour!

Tom: Oh, like Spider-Man's webbing?

Mike: Um, sure, I guess. [He lifts Tom up and sticks him to the ceiling
upside-down.] See? Can't get him off at all!

[Deep 13. Frank is now back in his normal jumpsuit.]

Dr. F: Not bad, Rocket Racer. Now watch my Invention Exchange...the
Chastity Underwear! See, it responds to neural impulses of arousal,
and...well, watch what happens when I show Frank, here, the ladies'
underwear section of the Sears catalogue. [He holds up a page to Frank,
who whimpers softly and keels over.] See? It contracts tight, making sex
the last thing on your mind. What do you think?

[SOL Bridge. Mike and Crow both have their legs crossed.]

[Deep 13.]

Dr. F: And now that I've once again proven my superiority over you, it's
time for your experiment this week. It's another comic-book wannabe with
no plot or direction, and it's called "X-Force: The New Breed." Read 'em
and weep, because the author's not playing with a full deck.

[SOL Bridge.]

Mike: Oh, no, we've got movie sign!!!!!

[All except Tom enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]

Crow: Where's Tom?
Mike: Oh, shoot! Be right back.
[Mike gets up and walks off-screen, and shortly thereafter, you hear a
loud ripping noise, followed by an agonized scream. Mike then comes back
in with Tom.]
Tom: Oh, and now you want me to sit down?

> Notice: This series begins just after X-FORCE #61, with a
> few of my own ideas thrown in, and anything that happens in
> the comics after this series begun simply does not matter!

Mike: What happened in issue #61?
Tom: It was a sort of Quentin Tarantino version of "All of Me".

> X-Force: The New Breed #1
> Perpetrated by Red "Somebody get her away from that meat
> cleaver" Monster!

Mike: Police have already closed in on "Red Monster"s location.
Tom: Book him, Mike-O. Writer One.
Crow: And Audience, Zero.

> Disclaimer: All characters are property of Marvel characters,

Mike: Does that mean they're self-employed?
Tom: No, Cable owns them. You know, they don't call him "Cable" for
nothing...
Mike: Why do they call him "Cable"?
Tom: He can install HBO...anywhere.

> blah blah blah, Im not trying to rip them off, Im just trying to
> have fun, and dont bother suing me, Im poor as a mouse.

Crow: Yeah, she can't even afford apostrophes.

> This is partially a repost.
> Oh well.
> "Were not children, we just have more energy than you."
>
> These young folk are mutants because they were born that
> way, and X-Force because they feel like it.

Tom: What, did they just wake up one morning and say to themselves, "Hey!
Let's form a group of angst-ridden, teenage, testosterone-crazed,
steroid-popping, gun-toting, lunatic tough-guy wannabes and run around
beating the crap out of mutants we don't like?"
Crow: Something like that, yes.

> Cable is the leader of the team,

Tom: At least during the months when he isn't either dead, in the future,
being impersonated by a super-villain, or being hunted down by his own
team-mates for some betrayal or other.

> a psionic warrior from the future, his sidekick-in-arms is
> Domino, the mysterious soldier with strange luck.

Mike: D.B. Sweeney, Friday nights on Fox.

> Their deputy leader is Siryn, the young Irishwoman with the
> loud voice.

Mike: Being obnoxious is a super-power?
Tom: Yep--there are Sentinels hunting down Gilbert Gottfried and Rodney
Dangerfield even now.
Mike: Good.

> Their members are Shatterstar, the hollow-boned warrior
> from another planet,

Crow (in Charlton Heston voice): A planet where birds evolved from men?

> Caliban, the child-like tracker,

Mike: He practices by following the little dotted lines that Billy leaves
in "The Family Circus".

> Meltdown, the hotheaded explosives generator,

Tom: This character brought to you by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

> Warpath, the Apache with the strength of (at least) 100 men,

Crow: Neat!
Tom: It's not as impressive as it sounds. Three of them are Woody Allen,
Richard Simmons, and Jerry Lewis.

> Rictor, the seismic earth-shaker,

Mike: So, why do these guys always have names that tell people exactly
what their powers are? I mean, why not just call yourself by your real
name or something?
Tom: Um...he does.
Mike: You're kidding, right?

> Risque, the implosive mystery,

Tom: No, no. Risque isn't a mystery. Klooe, that's a mystery. Risque is a
game of global domination.

> and Sunspot, the Brazilian solar battery.

Crow: Too bad he's only size AAA.

> They are a powerful mutant strike force team determined to
> make peace between mutants and humans.

Crow: Alright, buddy, give peace a chance or we'll pound you into a
greasy little spot on the ground!

> (Right now the younger 8 are playing Sega.)

Tom: But isn't "Sonic the Hedgehog" only a one-player game?

> "Cmon, Ric, blow em out of the screen." Said Meltdown
> as Rictor grew more tense at the control pad.

Crow: You know, you should never say that to someone who can shatter
buildings.
Tom: (as Meltdown): No, I just meant "Beat them!" Oh, darn. We need a new
TV!!!

> "Hey, Tab, Im doing the best I can," shot back Rictor.
> "Just shut us all out of your mind, Julio." Suggested
> Siryn.

Mike: Would that we could shut this story out of our minds.

> "I can do that as soon as you all shut up, and Im Rictor
> to you, Theresa." Said the belligerent earthquake-man.

All (singing): Earthquake-man, Earthquake-man, does whatever an
earthquake can. Is he strong? Listen, bud, not really.

> Fluffy: You have a <I>weird</I> vocabulary, Red. Especially
> your choices of nicknames.

Mike: Excuse me...could you just get the heck out of our theater?

> Red: Your just jealous because nobody picks me up from my
> box and makes funny noises at me and says "oh, isnt she
> adorable!"

Crow: There's a reason for that. Now, could we see your ticket stub?

> Back to the story!

Tom: No, no, that's OK.

> Rictor had a propensity for rude comments and
> impulsiveness,

Mike: Is that his mutant power?

> he was worse than Meltdown. Warpath was becoming more
> overconfident with himself since he met Risque,

Crow: Yeah, but that's probably just pillow talk.
Mike: You mean they're sleeping together?
Crow: Well, not on-panel, no. It's Code-Approved.

> who was quite sweet, but Siryn was suspicious of her.
> Theresas self esteem was getting disturbingly low since

Crow: --the Department of Health used her as the poster child in their
new birth control campaign?

> Warpath met Risque and decided he liked her.

Tom: And finally dumped the obnoxious, alcoholic bi--
Mike: Tom...you read this _way_ too much.

> Shatterstar was becoming an intelligent, confident, and all-
> around emotionally sound person

Crow: So the rest of the team kicked him out.

> since it was confirmed that he was, indeed, Shatterstar, and
> not a boy named Benjamin Russell.

Mike: Um...no. And he probably wasn't a magic ocelot named Barnabas, either.
Tom: No, Mike, they're referring to the fact that Benjamin Russell was
revealed to be the reincarnation of Shatterstar, only Shatterstar was
really from the future and--
Mike: Y'know, usually I complain about not getting enough exposition.

> Tabitha was rather cocky since her metamorphosis into
> Meltdown. Sunspot used to be quite like Rictor, nut

Tom: Yes, I think that sums up Rictor pretty accurately.
Crow: It's supposed to be a "not",
Mike: Jeez, she's almost as bad as Ratliff.
Tom and Crow: NUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!

> since he was cleansed of the Reignfire persona,

Crow: They had to send him to three dry-cleaners to get rid of it!
Tom: You see, Mike, Sunspot was transormed into Reignfire when--
Mike: Just give it up, Tom. I'm well past the point of caring.

> he turned into a "dont-worry-be-happy" type of guy.

Crow: You know, a one-hit-wonder with no career!
All (singing): Here's a little song I wrote, it might make you want to
slit my throat...

> Caliban, who spent most of his life in the Morlock tunnels,
> had every reason to be bitter and brooding, but he was so
> dumb he only knew happiness.

Crow: He was writing stories and posting them to the Internet under the
name of "Red...Monster"...my God. That actually makes sense.

> "Kids, turn off that Sega and come upstairs, Domino and
> I need to talk to you." Yelled Cable down the stairs of their
> compact headquarters.

Crow: But Dad--
Mike: No, it's your bedtime. Now come upstairs and brush your teeth.

> "Were not children, we just have more energy than you."
> Replied Warpath.

Crow: We've been popping amphetamines for six hours straight!

> "Come on, lets see what Cable has to say." Said Theresa.
> So they turned off the game

Tom: Hey, I'd almost gotten up to stage 3 of the Casino Nights Zone!

> and everyone trudged glumly up the stairs to endure yet
> another leaderly game plan.

Tom: You know, I really wish he'd come up with a better plan than "Find
the enemy, and hit them until they stop moving."

> "Listen, kids, I mean team," began the aged psi,

Tom: "When I was your age, things will have been a lot different than
they are now!"
[Mike sighs and shakes his head.] Like I said before, Tom...you really do
read way too much of this stuff.

> assessing the imposing-looking troupe, from the petite
> Risque to the gigantic, fierce-looking Caliban.
> "My contact has alerted me

Tom: I see...and does your eyewear talk to you often?

> that she has heard Deadpool is changing his location to
> nearby here, so you better watch your backs, you know how
> dangerous he is." Warned Domino.
> "Whos Deadpool? Why cant you just kill him off if hes so
> dangerous?" asked Risque.

Crow: And why is it my job to provide exposition?
Mike: Speaking of people that should be killed off, there's a Red Monster
we know of...

> "Deadpools a good man whom Cable and Domino dont like
> because hes a merc." Siryn told her.
> "Hes a mercenary wholl perform any job, no matter how
> cruel, to the highest bidder.

Mike: He's mostly emplyed by masochists, it would seem...
Crow: You know, not many people are into both S and M...
Tom: I'll pay you twenty-five dollars to use the riding crop!
Crow: I'll pay you thirty!

> And hes helped Theresa once or twice,

Tom: You know, I've had dreams about that...

> but he cant be trusted." Said Shatterstar.
> "You all dont have any faith at all, do you? I mean, just
> because I have a loud voice doesnae mean I drown everything
> out.

Crow: No, but you could at least make the effort.

> Just because Jimmy is all brawn doesnae mean he has no
> brains.

Tom: No, it's just a coincidence.

> Just because Shatty is such a good soldier doesna mean thats
> all he ever does.

Mike: What else does he do, anyway?
Tom: Well, there's Sega.
Crow: Yeah, I hear that Nintendo paid a promotional fee to have their
name not be used.

> And just because Wade is a mersnry doesnae mean he has no
> loyalties!"

Crow: And just because the author has a brain doesn't mean she'll make
use of it!

> and with that, Siryn tromped off angrily.
> "Yutz." Declared Meltdown.
> "Wade?" said Domino in disbelief.

Mike: Yeah, it's a wading deadpool.

> "I cant believe shes actually on a first name basis with him!"
> "Look, Deadpool helped Terry out with some things that
> mean a lot to her, like her uncle. She has every reason to
> trust him even is she is being short-sighted." Said Warpath.

Mike: It's a sentence that works like a Magic Eye poster!

> "Well, then, since you know her so well, why dont you
> talk to her?" suggested Cable.
> "Oh, fine, since none of you guys have the courage to
> stand up against Loudmouths Tears of Wrath." Muttered
> Warpath as he trudged after Siryn.
> Loudmouth: Now we all know how I was named! Kinda the
> thing youd expect from Red, though.

Tom: Didn't we tell you to leave? Jeez, where do they get these clowns?

Mike: I don't know, but I'm outta here. Come on, guys.

[All exit theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]

[SOL Bridge. Tom is talking to Mike, who is listening with his eyes
glazed over, twiddling his thumbs.]

Tom: So you see, Mike, it turned out that Cannonball was really an
External, a mutant who was immortal. They're called Externals
because...um...well, because...because, you know, they're "outside". If
you know what I mean.

[A loud crashing noise is heard from outside of the ship.]

Mike: Speaking of things outside, Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!

[Crow and Gypsy rush on-screen just as the Hexfield Viewscreen irises
open to reveal none other than X-Force, in full costume.]

Crow & Tom: WOW!!!!!

Mike: So these are those guys we've been reading about?

Cable: That's correct, Mr. Nelson. I am Cable--

Mike: So why exactly do they call you Cable?

Cable: Because I am a living link between past and future...a sort of
cable, as it were.

Crow: Boy, there's got to be some other great names out there for you.
Like, since you're so bright that you always get the scoop on the bad
guys, they could call you "Ladle"!

Tom: Or, since you always carry around such huge, huge guns, they could
call you "Well-Endowed Man"!

Mike: OK, guys, stop teasing the guest star. So why did you stop by the
Satellite?

Shatterstar: We have sighted the author of the story you're reading in
the theater you inhabit, and we wish to kill her in glorious battle!!!!!

Mike: Actually, we kicked them out. See, it's our job to openly mock the
incredibly lame characters in the story, and--

Gypsy: Mike, ix-nay on the ame-lay!

Mike: Oh, right. Anyway, you guys can just go about your business, and
don't mind us.

Cable: Unfortuantely, that's not possible. We haven't reached our
gratuitous destruction quota for this storyline yet, and sending your
satellite crashing in flames would put us just over the top. So, we're
going to fight you.

Tom: Fight us?

Cable: Yep.

Crow: You don't want to do that.

Cable: Oh? And why not?

Crow: Because that would go right along with the plans of the
shape-shifter who's impersonating Warpath!

[Cable spins around and starts shooting Warpath. Risque promptly attacks
Cable, and Domino attacks Risque. Before long, the whole team is
embroiled in a huge fight, and has totally forgotten about the SOL. As
the Hexfield Viewscreen irises shut, you see their ship begin to drift
into Earth's atmosphere.]

Tom: So, d'you think there really was a shape-shifter in the team?

Crow: I'd be surprised if there wasn't, Tommy-Boy.

[lights and buzzers begin to flash]

Mike: Oh no, we've got FANFIC-SIGN!!!!!!

[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]

> "Listen, team," began Cable. "you dont have that much to
> worry about with Deadpool, despite what we just said. Dont
> hold your breath and stop trusting people waiting for that
> merc to attack, weve mailed him off to his employer before,
> its just something Dom and I want you to be aware of."
> Finished Cable.

Crow: Wait, did he suddenly switch languages on us?
Mike: Hold on, I think I've got an "English/Gibberish" translation manual
on me somewhere. We used it during "Enterprized", remember?

> "Look, kids," began Domino, ignoring their aversion to
> being referred to by age, "Weve heard of a new branch of,
> wouldnt you believe it, the Hellfire Club led by, duh, Shinobi
> Shaw.

Mike: So this Domino person is some sort of Valley Girl?
Tom: Oddly enough, no.

> We want you to investigate their next Gala ball. Those of you
> who can pass for humans will go undercover and mingle with
> the guests,

Tom: Um, sorry, Tabitha, but that excludes you.

> and Im afraid youll have to sneak into the joint ahead of time.

Crow: No, that's OK, we have plenty of joints of our own. Um, er, that is
to say, heh heh heh...

> Bobby and Caliban will monitor inside occurrences inside the
> van through the comm-links. Just see what Shaws up to."
> "Cool. Ill go tell James and Loudmouth. *giggle*." Risque
> seemed to like her boyfriends nickname for their deputy
> leader.
> "Sunspot, what did Patch-eye mean when she said
> monitor inside curry? Caliban likes curry, but what would
> Caliban monitor about it?" asked the large, simple one to his
> solar-powered friend.

Crow: God, it sounds like everything in this story is being described by
The Tick!

> "*sigh* Okay, Caliban we get to sit in the van and listen
> to everything that goes on inside, while they have to run
> around in a big, crowded room, all dressed funny,

Crow: Are they going to a track meet or something?
Tom: Um...guys...you do know that undercover means 'costumes off', don't you?

> and associate with snotty rich folks." Assured Sunspot.
> <hr>
> In Siryns room: Risque entered just as James was calming
> her down.

Tom: Ten seconds after she entered the room and he's already having to
calm her down. Boy, he's just got a way with the women, doesn't he?

> "Listen, guys," she said to James and Theresa, "the
> bosses say a guy named Shinobi Shaw just opened a new
> branch of the Hellfire Club, and were supposed to check it out
> and see what hes up to."
> "Oh cool! When is this gig? I love undercover missions!"
> exclaimed Theresa, already cheered up.

Tom: The prospect of imminent death excites me!
Crow: No wonder she's friends with Wade...

> "I guess the bosses will tell us when the time comes,
> and Caliban and Bobby will monitor us from inside the van."
> Said Risque.
> "Great." Said James, rather annoyed. "Just what we need,
> another Hellfire Club. However, at least Ill get to see
> <b>you</b> in that little <I>thing</I> you bought last week,
> sweetie!"

Mike: What, the Tupperware container?

> he said happily to Risque as she giggled.
> "Oh strangle me." Muttered Theresa.

Crow: Can we? Please?

> <hr>
> Back in the living room: (Cable and Domino are alone now.)

All (singing): I think we're alone now...

> "So, Dom, my lovely, what say we go off and do
> something immoral while the kids are off looing for Shaw."
> Said Cable.
> "*giggle giggle and then giggle some more*

Tom: This is not happening...this is not happening...this is not happening...

> But what if the kids get into a jam while were off doing
> something immoral, Nathan?" said Domino.

Mike: Sounds like something out of P.G. Wodehouse, here.

> "Oh, well have a comm-link with us, but I think the kids
> can take care of themselves." Cable assured her.
> "Well, then, youve got yourself a deal, Dayspring."

Crow: Twenty bucks. And it's extra if you want to come over to the apartment.

[long pause]

Mike: ...another break? Already?
Crow: You sound like you want the story to continue.
Mike: No, not particularly.

[All exit theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]

[SOL Bridge. Tom has now briought out huge flowcharts, involving numerous
listings of the various Summers family members, and lots of question
marks in different places. Mike is not impressed.]

Tom: So you see, in issue #4987, we found out that Bishop is really
Gambit's sister, but that the time-travel had caused a retroactive gender
switch. This, of course, meant that Gambit had to be from the future as
well, which implicated the entire population of New Orleans in a
conspiracy of silence. Wolverine killed them all, and--

Mike: Why, Tom?

Tom: Well, because Wolverine kills people all the time.

Mike: No, I mean why do the writers of these comics make such absurdly
contrived and overcomplicated plotlines? You do realize that even in a
soap opera, this stuff would be laughed out of the writer's room as being
beyond belief, but for comics fans, it's just business as usual.

Tom: It's simple, Mike. Let's say you're a comics fan.

Mike: No. Let's not.

Tom: ...OK, let's say that I'm a comics fan. Now I read an issue, right?

Mike: OK...

Tom: It's over in five minutes. So they need something to hook me into
the next issue. That's what the cliffhanger is for.

Mike: Oh. I thought that's what the skin-tight spandex costumes were for.

Tom: Er, um...anyway, they use a cliffhanger, like the hero's life being
in mortal danger, to get me to buy the next issue. But what happens when
the hero is out of danger? You can't just keep flinging him from one
absurdly contrived danger to the next for years on end!

Crow (off-screen): What about 'The Cross-Time Caper'?

Tom: Shhh!!! So, since they need to keep hooking you in, they keep making
up new dilemmas. That's why there's all these questions that never get
answered. If they answer all the questions, it's a perfect point for
people to quit reading. This way, people will read the comic forever to
find out whether or not Storm is really Bishop's great-grandmother, and
who the third Summers brother is, and--

Mike: Who wrote the Book of Love?

Tom: No, that was Apocalypse. It was all part of his plan to enslave
Carol Danvers so that when she became Binary, she'd--

[lights and buzzers go off]

Mike: THANK GOD, we've got FANFIC-SIGN!!!!!

[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]

> X-Force: The New Breed #2
> Orchestrated by: Rojo Monstruo

Tom: So, do you think she's a good conductor?
Crow: I dunno, let's hook her up to a junction box and find out.

> "Comfy in the lions den."
> (Right now the X-Force mutants are sneaking into the
> Hellfire Club)
> Said Theresa to her friends: "Okay now, well hide in the
> basement until theres a good crowd in the room, and then
> well just quietly come up and look or Shaw.

Mike: How exactly do you Shaw?
Crow: Well, you know, I shaw, he shaws, they are shawing...

> He knows all of us except Risque, so the rest of us will have
> to stay for away from him and just mingle with the other
> guests, see if we can get information from them. If you can
> see Shaw, Risque, or if any of us contact you saying we see
> him, I want you to just go over and be casual, you know
> what to do." (So they all snuck into the basement.)
> "Hey, guys, are you in?" came Bobbys voice from a
> comm-link.

Crow: Yeah, now put me down for ten on the Bears.

> "Yes, were in, Bobby, and next time, be a little quieter,
> eh?" suggested Theresa.

Crow: Now take off, you hoser!

> "Oops, sorry, sure."
> <hr>
> In an abandoned housing project in the South Bronx: The
> mercenary named Wade Wilson has found a home.

Mike (as June Cleaver): Ward, Deadpool blew up the Dairy Queen again, and
he's ripped Eddie's arm off and is beating him with it! You're going to
have to punish him.
Tom (as Ward Cleaver): Okay, June.

> "Man, I cant believe the gummint

All: Gummint?

> scrapped this whole deal! I mean, the king of France before
> the Revolution would adore this waterin hole!

Mike: It even has its own cement pond!

> Okay, its beyond, condemned. But it wont hurt everyones
> favorite merc a bit,

Tom: Because Paladin's not here!

> cause I got me healing powers and nobody but <b>nobody</b>
> but

Crow: Nobody but nobody but nobody but nobody but nobody but nobody
but--[Mike leans over and thwacks him on the head.] Thanks.

> idiots and irradiated astronauts is gonna try and construct
> something new on this here site.

Tom: You know, I don't remember Deadpool as being _quite_ this Southern.

> Besides, Red is less than an hour away. Ahh, she could fry
> Antarctica!" thought Deadpool as he installed his equipment

Crow: Y'know, that's a really weird euphemism for it.

> into the half-crumbled walls of the sturdiest apartment he
> could find.
> Wade Wilson wore a mask. Not so he could rob convenience
> stores,

Crow: That was just a bonus!

> but so he could be presentable. He used to be very attractive.
> Then he developed terminal cancer. So the Canadian Weapon X
> organization offered him a cure, and cure him they did, but it
> left his face a fleshy network of scars and other crimes

Tom: If acne is a crime, let me be guilty.

> that make grown people think hed been burned in a grease
> fire. Even Theresa, who should have been used to frightening-
> looking people,

Tom: Like her father.

> was shocked when she saw his face. She was the reason he
> changed his location. Theresa and her father, Sean, were
> Wades only acquaintances resembling friends,

Mike: So she looks like Courtney Cox?

> and Sean didnt really trust "the merc". So Wade moved from
> his remote, secured cabin to the bustling, crowded city so he
> could be near his friend.

Crow: If they start singing, I'm outta here.

> <hr>
> In the backyard of the X-Force headquarters: The psionic
> cyborg Cable and his lovely luck farm are ready to misbehave!

Crow: Mental note--from now on, keep Cable away from the farm animals!

> "Hey, this is fun, we should do this more often, Nate."

Crow (as Domino): Now I'll get on the swing and you push me!

> (with a heavily faked French accent): "Ohhh, Dom, my lovely,
> do not speak so softly,

Mike: I have a hearing problem...

> if you do not yell for pity, I may hear ze comm-link come on
> and we would have to go help ze kids!"

Mike: And zey would not die in ze hail of bullets like we want zem to!

> So they continued for the rest of the evening, slap-and-
> tickling, groaning as loud as they could, and are you sure you
> should be reading this?

Tom: I'm pretty sure we shouldn't be reading this.
Mike: I'm pretty sure nobody should be reading this.
Crow: Are you sure you should be writing this?

> <hr>
> Back at the Hellfire Club:

Crow: So was that what we'd call the 'climax' of the story?
Mike: Not for Domino, it wasn't.

> the room is filled with people, X-Force is lost in the crowd,

Tom: They're considering use of the flare guns to contact each other.
Crow: (as Siryn): Put that map away, we look like tourists!

> spread apart from each other, but maintaining contact with
> each other and Bobby and Caliban.

Tom: They promised to write each other every single day.

> Risque calmly searched the room for the man she was
> instructed to locate: Shinobi Shaw. To make it easier, Domino
> had shown Risque all the files of X-Forces various allies and
> enemies, including Shaw.

Tom: Unfortunately, she didn't include the pictures.

> All she saw in this room were a bunch of stuffy old farts
> with stiff upper lips.

Mike: That's an image I'll be struggling to forget for years.

> Then suddenly, there he was!

Crow: He was the one who'd been making all those stuffy old--
Mike: Ahem.

> Risque made her way through the crowd toward Shinobi,
> slowly formulating a plan for conversing with him.
> "Hello? Mr. Shaw?"

Crow: Boy, great plan there.
Mike: Yeah, that'll leave him guessing.
Tom: Red's an up-and-coming Image writer, isn't she?

> he turned his head toward her and looked pleased to see an
> attractive young woman rather than the usual plastic

Crow: --mannikin.
Mike: Boy, you'd think a guy that rich could at least afford a geisha girl.

> surgery-scarred fare.

Tom: Doesn't plastic surgery _remove_ scars?

> "My names Dorrie Rice. I own an apparel company
> in Thailand. Could you tell me where you got the idea for such
> a marvelous club such as this?"

Tom: Only if you can tell me where you get your pick-up lines.

> "Why of course, Miss Rice, its such a pleasure to meet a
> fresh new face" Bobby and Caliban listened to their whole
> conversation via the comm-link pinned inside Risques sleeve.
> "But Sunspot, Risque is not Dorrie, she is Risque."

Mike: And Red Monster is not a writer--she's Red Monster.

> "Would you be quiet!" whispered Roberto angrily. "Thats
> a 2-way comm-link! Shaw might hear us!"

Crow: Oh, brilliant plan! Stick an open mike on her cuff-links!
Mike (as Risque): Oh, that's just my wristwatch talking. Don't mind it.

> <hr>
> The next morning, at headquarters:

Crow: Cable, what are all these farm animals doing here?

> "From what Shaw told me last night,

Tom (as Risque): He really loves me, and he's going to marry me!

> the Hellfire Club is trying to create a huge holding company
> and take over the worlds economy.

Tom: Of course! Because, you see, a holding company will--HUH?

> A totally capitalist world society

Mike: And that differs from ours how exactly?

> where all the leaders belong to the Hellfire Club and
> cooperate to make the whole world favor their interests
> without regard to the rest of the worlds need."

Crow: Yeah, those bastards aren't even considering Neptune's interest!

> Risque explained.
> "Typical Hellfire Club tactics. Oh well, I guess well just
> have to be careful about what we buy, try to support a small-
> scale boycott of Hellfire Club goods." Said Domino to her
> charge with a smile.

Tom: You know, this is really low-key for the Hellfire Club.
Crow: No kidding, I think I saw this on an episode of L.A. Law.

> *ring ring*
> "Ill get it," said Theresa and ran towards the phone.
> "Hello? Okay, I wont tell my teammates who you are.

Tom: Boy, she's just an expert at subtlety.

> Versailles at Chernobyl, huh? Sounds like fun maybe I could
> go over there some time for a game of strip-pinochle oh, ye
> neednt worry about that, my genes are already as unstable
> as they come,

Crow: So's your mind.
Tom: I think mine's going too.

> your place couldnt <I>possibly</I> do any harm well, nice to
> hear youre settled in, um, Dave Bye-bye. *click*

Mike (in baby Animal voice): Dave Bye-bye!

> that was the merc.

Tom: Marc Hazzard?
[Mike just shakes his head in resignation.]

> Hes settled into an abandoned housing project in the Bronx,
> and hes just as jovial as ever."

Crow: He's been punching himself in the face recently too, and he's never
been happier!

> "Yeah, right, hes probably just saying that so we wont
> go looking for him." Said Cable.

Mike: He's telling you where he lives so you _won't_ go looking for him.
Okay.

> "Or maybe he really <b>is</b> is livin there so nobody
> <I>else</I> will come lookin for him!" said Theresa
> stubbornly, and walked away from the rest of the group.
> "Well, so much for setting an example for the rest of the
> team." Said Bobby.

Tom: I'm sure that something must be wrong with my visual circuits, Mike.
None of these lines are making any sense to me.
Mike: Nope...there's nothing wrong with you. Well, with your eyes.

> "Like I said, what a yutz. Cmon Risque, lets go talk some
> sense into Red." Said Meltdown, and the two of them made
> their way to Theresas room.

Mike: And speaking of people's rooms...

[All exit theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]

[SOL Bridge. Tom is sitting on the console, obviously agitated, despite
Crow's attempts to comfort him. Occasionally, Mike walks by with a big
white box.]

Tom: You can't do this, Mike! That's my entire comic collection you're
jettisoning!

Mike: Oh, come on, you read too much of this anyway. I mean, look at this
junk! "Micronauts Vs. Great Lakes Avengers #4"? "Punisher/Ghost
Rider/Wolverine/Lobo/Demon/Howard the Duck Special Edition"? It's rotting
your mind, Tom.

Tom: But they might be worth money someday!

Mike: Oh, right, like Incredible Hulk #181 is ever going to be worth
anything to anyone.

Tom: Please, Mike, you don't understand what you're tossing out!

Mike: Sorry, Tom, but you're better off without this stuff. This is the
last box, and once it's in the airlock, I'm launching the whole bunch out
into space...what the heck?

[Mike reaches into the box and pulls out a comic.]

Mike: "Lady Death Vs. Vampirella--Special 3D Edition..." you know, Tom, I
think I definitely might have been just a tad bit hasty about this whole
'throwing the comics into space thing'. I mean, they probably provide you
with a lot of good mammaries--er, I mean memories.

Tom: So you're letting me keep them?

Mike: Huh? Oh, yeah, the comics. Sure.

[lights and buzzers begin to go off]

Mike: You can help me find some 3D glasses later--we've got FANFIC SIGN!!!

[All enter theater amidst much hullaballoo]

> Theresa sat on her bed, throwing a rubber ball against the
> wall,

Mike: (in Simpsons voice): Whoops! Got away from you, huh? Well, keep at it.

> her dress from the night before still hanging against the door
> waiting to be cleaned.

Tom: --of its burden of shame and deceit.

> She looked rather lonely, abused, and put-upon. Her two
> fellow female X-Forcers came and sat down on either side of
> her,

Crow: --and started playing "Keep Away" with her rubber ball?

> and she put away the ball.
> Said Tabitha sympathetically: "Look Red, we dont like
> choosing your friends for you,

Mike: --because the people we choose don't want to be your friends.
Crow: Yes, it really limits our options.

> but were trying to protect you."
> "Ye dont know Deadpool the way I do. Hes a good man
> whos been beaten up on by the world.

Mike: My God, that's just gotta hurt!
Tom: Look, it's hitting him with Gibraltar!
Mike (in announcer voice): Oh, and a strong right hook with Africa brings
him down for a ten-count!
Crow: Is Australia hitting "below the equator"?

> He canna lead a normal life. His job doesnae define is soul,

Tom: ...and turn the Irish accent off--

> he just does other peoples dirty work to pay the rent. Hes not
> how Cable and Domino say!"
> "Why cant he lead a normal life?" asked Risque.
> "Well, yeve never met him,

Tom (as Risque): Thank you thank you thank you thank you...

> but Wade wears a mask all the time. And theres a reason for
> that. The Weapon X program works wonders." Said Terry.

Mike (as Risque): Er, right. So why does he wear a mask again?

> "Well, I think theres something more to it between you
> two than that, so whats the deal?" asked Tabitha.

Tom (as Theresa): I'm carrying his love child.

> "Well, he makes me feel welcome, like no matter what I
> do, Ill always be okay with him."
> "But doesnt your dad do that too?" asked Tabitha.

Mike: Dad? No, he hates my guts!

> "Goodness, Tabitha, I am so tired of livin in my fathers
> shadow! Everyone has to compare me to him, as if Im some
> superfluous spare operative who canna exist without him.

Tom: Yep, sounds about right to me.

> It makes me sick!" said Terry.

Crow: In fact, I think I'm about to--BLAAAARGH!

> "Thats not quite what I think. You always get really
> jealous when me and James get close, does that have
> anything to do with whats going on between you and
> Deadpool?" asked Risque.
> "Your big overgrown hunka-burnin-love used to be
> totally gaga over Terry here.

Tom: Whoa...slang overdose, there.

> Hed follow her around like a puppy dog,

Crow: Carrying the pooper-scoopper everywhere was the worst part.

> his eyes would always wander over to her,

All: Ewwwww!

> sometimes he would just lift her into his arms for no
> apparent reason and not put her down for practically an hour.

Mike: Sounds like some sort of a psychological disorder.
Tom (as Theresa): OK. OK, James, you can put me down now. Um, really,
I've been up here for a half-hour, and I think I'm getting a nosebleed.

> It was really cute.

Mike (as Cable): Awww, look, he's holding Theresa above his head again.
Quick, get the video camera.
Crow (as Domino): Bob's just going to love this. Do we still have an
hour's worth of tape?

> Problem was, Red wasnt responding.

Mike: Hey, would you respond to someone picking you up for no apparent
reason and holding you over his head for an hour?
Tom: Yes, I would. "HELP!!!!!!!" would be my response of choice.

> She didnt openly reject him, she seemed to like sitting in his
> arms, but she never told him whether or not she loved him. So
> Jimmy went and found you.

Crow (as Warpath): She followed me home. Can I keep her?

> All of a sudden, Terry doesnt matter anymore.

Tom: Whoa, whoa, wait one second. What do you mean, "all of a sudden"?

> I think she misses the attention, and is looking for another
> man to drool all over her." Explained Tabitha.

Mike: You know guys, do we really even need to say anything here?
Crow: No, no. This is just much too easy.

> "She got it pretty much on the nickel, I just wish she
> was always this lucid." Said Terry.
> "So what, youre saying its my fault youre so lonely and I
> should dump James just to make your life whole again?"
> asked Risque accusingly.

Crow: Well, yes. If it's not too much trouble, you know.

> "No, Risque, I dont think its your fault at all, in fact, I
> think its my fault, which only makes it hurt more. In fact, Ill
> even go so far as to say Im happy for you because, aside from
> your rather suspicious interior,

Crow: --decorating skills,

> I think youre a sweet girl. But if Jimmy gets hurt in any way,
> and it has anything to do with you, Risque, I will, without
> warning or hesitation, make you my liver donor,

Mike: Liver donor?
Tom: Well, she is an alcoholic...

> and feed the rest of you to my uncle Toms friend Cain! Now,
> both of you two, get out of my room so I can bitch in peace."
> <hr>
> Back in the living room:
> Said Tabitha, to her teammates: "We really dont need to
> worry about Deadpool, guys, we just need to get Red to a
> shrink."

Tom: Yes, yes, you're absolutely right. We need to get Red to a shrink
right away--
Mike: She doesn't mean the author, Tom.
Tom: Oh.

> Next ish: X-Force visits their friends in Generation X!

Crow: And pounds the living snot out of them!

> Like I said before, call me Red Monster, even though it seems
> my name is Jan Derry. If you don't want to wait for me to
> post the rest of the series so far,

Tom: Oh, we can wait. Believe me, we can wait.
Mike: Years, if necessary.

> go to http://comics.envisionww.com/boards/never/ and be
> sure to have fun!
> -Red.

Mike: So, you guys want to rush over and pick up part Three?
Crow: Oh, I think we can leave that for another day.
Tom: No kidding. Come on, let's get outta here.

[All leave theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]

[SOL Bridge. Everything is upside-down, including Mike and the bots.]

Mike: Um, Gypsy...could you come in here for a moment?

[Gypsy walks in, right-side up.]

Gypsy: Yes, Mike?

Mike: Is there anything you'd like to...tell us about?

Gypsy: Oh, yes. The Mads asked for a sample of your glue.

Mike: And?

Gypsy: Well, I gave it to them.

Mike: And?

Gypsy: There was a teensy spill.

Mike: Involving the ceiling?

Gypsy: Yes...

Mike: And us?

Gypsy: Yes...

Mike: I see. Gypsy, could you go get some pillows for us to land on?

Gypsy: Sure. Ooh, the Mads are calling!

[She headbutts the console, bringing up the Mads.]

[Deep 13. Frank is on the floor, clutching his area, and Dr. Forrester is
standing over him looking sheepish with a pair of pliers.]

Dr. F: Ah, hi, Mike-O-Rama, be right with you. We had a bit of an
accident involving the Chastity Underwear, your glue, and an endless loop
video of 'Melrose Place'. I just need to, um...help Frank out,
here...hold still, Frank.

[Dr. Forrester leans over Frank. There's a sort of spdoing! noise, and an
anguished moan. The pliers go flying out of Dr. F's hand and hit the
button. Mercifully, you don't have time to see if they're...grasping
anything.]

PWOOOSH!

Cue music, roll credits. MST3K, the logo, Mike, the bots, Dr. Forrester,
TV's Frank, the Satellite of Love, and Deep 13 are all property of Best
Brains, Inc. The skits, gags, and host segments were written by John
"Omega" Seavey and Jeff "The Captain Never Actually Known As Larry"
Mariano. The original story was written by *sigh* Red Monster. No actual
hatred was meant by this MiSTing--in fact, we really like this author.
Who else would actually give us straight lines like, "He's a man who's
been beaten up on by the world"? And please note, despite the fact that I
wrote it, the Bobby McFerrin gag was completely and totally uncalled for.
The man is incredibly talented, and the fact that he doesn't do much Top
40 stuff in no way reflects upon his genius. We humbly apologize for
using the joke. It was just too much temptation to resist. Filmed in
Shadowramma, keep circulating the tapes, thanks to the Teachers of
America (especially my dad) and the First Amendment.

> "Hes a mercenary wholl perform any job, no matter how
> cruel, to the highest bidder.

And once again, send your comments to:
seav...@maroon.tc.umn.edu...thanks, and good night.

Omega

[Chip Salzenberg]

According to Omega <seav...@maroon.tc.umn.edu>:

>> They are a powerful mutant strike force team determined to
>> make peace between mutants and humans.
>
>Crow: Alright, buddy, give peace a chance or we'll pound you into a
>greasy little spot on the ground!

Oh great, now I've got Zephyrhills Natural Spring Water all over my
keyboard!

ChipDude

sometimes a water bottle is just a water bottle

[Brian W. Love]

Thanks Omega! That was a fine example of Deep Hurting!

I think my personal favorite pain was the "Marc Hazzard" riff. It reminded
me of my New Universe collection, which counted for bonus hurting.

The Host Segments were also spot-on.

Thanks again for ameliorating some of the pain of Fanfic.
\/---------------------------------------------------------------------/\
\/ Brian Love /\
\/ Vestboy AX95, AX96 email=bl...@blizzard.com /\
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